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I'm sinking
Maybe we should up your dosage a bit.
200 milligrams is the maximum dosage for Sertraline, perhaps we should try you on that.
Or, maybe we could try a different type of antidepressants if SSRI's aren't working for you.
You should start feeling the therapeutic effects soon.
Why're you being so quiet?
I'm just... chilling.
Yeah, so how've you been?
Fine...
Come on man,
it's been fucking ages, let's catch up!
What've you been up to--
working?
Yeah, yeah - on my writing.
Shit! Are you still doing that? I thought you'd have grown out of it by now.
What?
Have you got anything published yet?
No... but you don't--
Still the same old Huey man, so easy to wind up!
Yeah, so err, what's the story about?
Feel like spilling the beans to me, eh?
No.
No?!
It's just... a novel.
Oi, he's been writing a novel you know!
Stop!
[laughing] Why?
You should be more excited about it, promoting it and shit.
It's not finished yet...
How far have you got?
Seventy thousand words.
Fuck me!
That's like what? Seven dissertations or something?
Yeah... so?
So maybe I should take a leaf out of your book.
I mean, you're a bloody genius man.
The next -- the next Rudyard Kipling!
What?
That guy that wrote the jungle book - I thought you'd known that.
I do know that, I just didn't expect you to--
All right, so uh, what's your story about then Rudyard?
Don't call me that.
Come on-- stop it-- come on man tell me.
I'm not in the mood.
Why not?
If you can't talk to an old buddy about it - right - who are you're going to talk to about it the eh?
No-one.
Man, why don't you just let me read it. I can help you man, you seem stressed.
No.
I'm offering you an olive branch here mate.
It's fine.
Nah,
Now I'm going to come around mate you still live by that pub the Angelic, yeah?
Yeah, yeah so I'll come around buddy help you write your novel, alright. It's the least I can do.
What do you mean the least you can do?
I need a place to stay.
Guess what man.
What?
I know someone who's got a crush on you.
What are you talking about?
She's over there.
Jess.
She's always had a thing for you you know.
It's true - you should go for it. I'll back you up - be your wingman, alright!
Yo Jess--
Shut up!
Look under the table, Huey's got a massive stiffy for you right now!
Shut the fuck up! -- Why are you being such a dick!
Oh, I'm just trying to help you out man, come on!
Stop bullying him.
I'm not bullying him!
Yeah you are!
No one is bullying me -- See!
So what is it you do again?
In your bio it said--
I didn't put it in there,
Did you not? -- No.
Oh, so what is it that you do then?
I'm um...
You know what, it-it doesn't matter...
Uh, okay...
Did you have a nice day today?
Not really.
How come?
I've slept most of it away.
Oh, that sounds so nice.
It's not, it's exhausting.
It's exhausting sleeping all day?
I don't really want to, I just can't stay awake.
Why's that?
Medication.
Are you ill?
I don't know...
Well, if you're taking antibiotics, you should try some probiotics. It's much better for your stomach.
I'll take your word for it.
What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?
What?
The stupidest thing - what was it?
Um, every day of my life.
No-no, seriously the dumbest thing - what was it?
I-I don't really know off the top of my head...
How come you're single?
Oh, um, reasons...
I mean, how much do you really wanna know?
Everything.
Oh, you'll get bored...
I'm not, I'm interested.
Alright, so basically like, I was dating this guy for two years and it was all getting a bit intense so I decided
to do some volunteering in the Amazon, you know, like South America. Honestly it was such
a good experience, like the place is so beautiful, honestly, I wish I could go back tomorrow and
do all over again.
But basically, me and my ex were doing long distance while I was out there--
How long were you volunteering for?
Two years...
So yeah, the volunteering went on for a while.
So, I told my ex it'll be alright for us to be in an open relationship.
Like, he wasn't really cool with it but when I told him that once I got back to London we'd get
back together he agreed.
And did you?
Did I?
Get back together when you got back?
Uh, well, no, because by then it'd been so long besides... being in an open relationship for so long it's acting really awkward around me.
How many people did you sleep with?
What about him?
So it was pretty uneven then.
You could say that...
Like, I'm not a slut or anything.
I didn't say you were.
It like, it didn't mean anything so it really doesn't count.
I'm not judging.
Honestly we've just grown apart emotionally to, like those two years changed me and he
was just the same -- it was kind of underwhelming.
I do feel kind of bad though... I think he still thinks we're dating.
I mean I did promise but still.
All right, yeah, so that's the story.
I bet you regret asking me now.
Not really
For one thing...
if he still thinks you're dating,
why haven't you just broken it off with him?
Because, it's awkward.
He was such a big part of my life and I promised him, so it's like...
it's tricky
So how come you're on the dating apps?
To see what else is out there.
Because to me you're
saying you're hesitant but it sounds like you've made up your mind about him already.
Maybe...
And you've both been sleeping around on each other.
Well we both agreed to be in an open relationship.
I'm not judging. You're an individual, you're going to do whatever
the hell you want and considering how lame he sounds, I can't say it blame you, but you
should probably cut him loose.
He's not lame, he's just--
I guess what I'm saying is--
Do you want to keep playing it safe?
Or do you want to jump with both feet and see what's out there.
I mean, I guess you're right but it's hard.
Do you want to come back to mine?
What?
You know...
get laid.
I mean you can't just say something like that out of nowhere!
It'll be fun.
We can do other things.
No, it's fine, I've got this -- I just
--just-just give me a minute -- I just-just go with it okay! It's fine, just--
Have you ever read the story of Job?
No...?
It's from the bible.
Okay...?
You never -- you don't know what it's about?
No.
It's from the old testament.
Job is a wealthy man, in a large family flocks of sheep, a well-tended
farmland. He committed no sin.
He was a moral and righteous man who praised god in all his glory.
God boasts to Satan about Job's goodness but Satan argues that God had granted Job
a blessed life so no wonder he was so devout. You know what god did?
He let Satan torment the poor fucker just to prove a point just to prove that Job wouldn't
turn his back on God and his glory.
He killed Job's family, killed Job's animals, he ravaged Job's skin with painful sores.
Job's friends told him, he should pray to god because he must have sinned.
You know what I would have done if I were Job? would have made everyone around me suffer
Huey, these big sweeping statements that you've been making recently, it's making me--
I'm just getting into the headspace
Of?
It's just acting.
My character.
That's what this all
That's-- That's - what?
If I can't get into my character's head, how am I supposed to express him? I have to imbibe
him - live in his shoes. That's the only way that I can express myself.
Express - yourself?
Huey are you helping to sell your story?
I know you don't have to worry about the money, however--
That's not the- that's not the point.
I just need to write this story.
Why you need to write this particular story? Couldn't you write about something happier--
Because I want to write this -- it's meaningful to me.
Meaningful in what way?
Huey, have you been having the urge to harm yourself?
To harm others?
Hey Lucy!
Hey! This is a nice surprise.
Yeah.
Didn't realise you were back in London.
Yeah, I, uh, I only just got back from Austria.
I will give you a text--
Sure!
See ya.
Hi.
I'm Huey.
What's your name?
Lucy.
Hi Lucy.
What do you want?
That's Murakami right?
Yeah...
I love his books.
Cool, that's nice, I guess...
Norwegian wood is actually my favourite of his.
Right...
What's yours?
It's the first book of his I've read.
Do you like it
I guess...
Because I couldn't get into IQ84.
Okay...
What else do you enjoy reading?
Nothing.
I don't get much time to read myself I'm too busy writing at the moment -- too busy
to read that is... It's a Catch-22.
So what do you do?
I'm a layabout.
Oh no, seriously what do you get up to?
Listen, I'm not interested in whatever this is.
It's just friendly conversation.
I have enough friends - thanks though!
You could always have more.
Please stop.
Do you have a boyfriend or something?
Yeah, I do actually.
Oh... That's nice...
How long have you guys been going out for?
That's personal.
Okay.
People don't usually get defensive about how long they've been going out with someone for.
Can I ask what his name is?
Rupert.
Rupert? --Yeah.
Sounds like a bear's name.
So what does Rupert do?
Nothing.
Just like you?
Yeah.
Sounds like you guys are a perfect match.
Yeah!
So how'd you guys meet?
Around. --Around?!
Cool... real good description, that.
I'm sorry but I need that chair free.
Oh yeah, cool.
I'll move when whoever you're meeting gets here.
Can you please just leave!
Just have a conversation with me, get to know me,
you might be surprised.
Come on, just talk to me--
Are you gonna piss off if I do?
Absolutely I will.
I work in advertising.
Advertising?
Yeah.
What you do in advertising?
I'm a copywriter.
Oh, that sounds cool, I'd really
love to do something like that.
I'm sure you would.
Is copyrighting why you're so interested
in books?
There's literally no similarities between those two things.
Both involve writing
Uh, copywriting's more technical. I just fix dumb long sentences.
Right.
You need some help with that?
No...?
You sure?
Yeah.
But you're a writer, right?
Yeah...
It just sounds like you might need some help.
What do you mean?
You just seem very edgy.
A bit... pretentious.
Don't-don't talk to me like that--
Or what? You're gonna force me to shake your hand again?
Does this way of flirting ever work for you?
All I've tried to do is be polite.
Just because I think you're cute doesn't mean I'm flirting with you.
You're trying way too hard.
Well you're clearly just playing hard to get.
No, I'm really not.
You're still talking to me, you wouldn't
be talking to me if you weren't interested.
Talk about setting the bar low!
I'm only interested in getting you to leave!
Do you get off on winding people up?!
You're just making it really enjoyable.
Can't take a bit of banter?
I thought guys like you love that.
What do you mean guys like me?
You creeps follow girls into cafes.
I'm not a creep!
And I'm not a "guy like me"
there's no one like me.
Again, pretentious!
It's true though.
Hang on, I'll take that back.
Yeah, you do seem a bit different...
A bit special.
That was unnecessary.
You know, I saw you in here last week, chatting with that guy and being really flirty
you were so desperate, you were gagging for it.
What did you just say?
That's the only reason I'm talking to you, you looked easy.
You're clearly a whore!
You need to fucking leave me alone, right now!
Or what? Are you gonna scream?
Go away!
47 Cheshire Drive by Golder's Green Station.
Be careful who you're rude to you,
you fucking cunt!
This is pointless.
Why?
You know the only reason I'm here.
My parents?!
I'm not sure-- I know you tell them everything--
My communication with your parents is strictly
limited, I can assure you. Patient confidentiality is of the utmost importance.
So when I miss an appointment what do you tell them?
I'm obliged to inform them -- because they pay.
Semantics...
Huey, where's this coming from?
They were more than happy to ship me off to London,
but they just can't help stick their nose in my shit, sniffing around, and I know you
peddle them whatever bullshit you think they want to hear - I shouldn't even be here there's
nothing wrong with me.
Do you really believe that?
You tell me.
Huey, you know what you've been diagnosed with--
You can't just stick labels on me and make
out that's the complete picture, the whole me.
Have you been taking your antidepressants?
I ran out...
I prescribed you a full month's worth -
it's been what - three weeks?
Maybe I flushed them.
Huey, at our last appointment, you were talking about getting into the headspace of your character.
Why?
Take a guess.
Could you take a few moments and get into the headspace of "Huey"--
What kind of psychoanalysis is this?
You think that I'm that mental that I need to act to be me?
Have you ever experienced any feelings of disassociation?
Yeah, when I first started going
to therapy - getting picked apart by people - it was fascinating at first. I learned a lot
about behaviour and psychology. You might not think it -- it was actually really good training.
You start to pick up on things about people, and then you can start toying with them, seeing
how they react - seeing how I react.
Ritalin, Sertraline, Lamotrigine - you medicate me, you analyse me, you say a few words and
you call it progress. But what I learned is that psychology is actually just snake oil
it's all just fucking nonsense. All I'm telling you is things that you want to hear otherwise
these sessions would be so fucking boring, I'd end up putting my head through the window!
I just lead you along with threads-- Huey! --manlipulating you
Why are you being defensive?
I'm not being defensive-- I think you are.
You think a lot of things, none of it has any substance.
Huey, what is your normal?
It's cutting my forearms because it feels nice.
Is that the truth?
Take a guess.
Who is the real Huey?
I see what you're trying to do. You bore people by waffling
saying the same thing over and over trying to catch me out.
I'm not trying to catch you
Bullshit! --I just want you to be open and honest.
What's the point? Everybody lies.
Huey, you mentioned struggling with your impulses what are they--
None of your business
Is it harming yourself? Harming others?
No.
Do you ever feel yourself acting repetitively, moving things that are out of place into place?
Would you say you're a perfectionist?
Yeah.
So with your writing do you feel as if it will ever be perfect enough--
Who the fuck knows.
Would you ever let anybody else write your ideas?
Of course not
So you'd like to be in control?
Who doesn't?!
And would it make you angry if someone took
that control away from you?
Of course it would.
If I told you what you could and couldn't do
you'd be pissed off.
So if you had a boss who told you to clean the toilets, how would you feel?
You think I'm that much of a piss ant that I'd be cleaning toilets for a living?!
Please answer the question.
I'd tell him to fuck off!
And do you think that's normal?
Yes!
Jesus fucking christ, what's your point?!
So if you had an agent who criticized your writing, how would you react?
I'd tell him he hadn't a fucking clue what he was talking about
and then I'd fire him.
What if he was right?
He wouldn't be.
What if he was?
Stop with this shit.
Is that why you haven't let anybody read your writing until now because you're afraid--
I'm not afraid of anything.
Have you ever felt fear? Please answer the question.
What does it feel like?
It was what it was.
Describe it to me.
How am I supposed to describe an emotion?
Try.
Fuck off!
Excuse me?
You heard me -- fuck off!
I understand you might be flustered
but please do not swear at me
Or what?
Or I shall no longer be able to see you as a patient.
Sorry.
Do you feel as if there is a void inside you?
Stop.
Huey please answer the question.
Stop.
Huey--
You're so full of shit!
This is a safe space, you can be honest--
Shut the fuck up!
Do you--
Wait!
Huey!
Do you not hear me ringing this doorbell for?! I'm freezing my fucking tits off out here man.
Hey.
You're not gonna say hello?
What are you doing?
I was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd drop by.
I'm busy-- Writing, yeah? Let me read it.
No-I'm--
Top floor right?
Yeah?
Hey man,
Didn't you used to have a couch in your room? I thought I could crash on it.
What do you think you're doing?
Helping you out mate.
Don't!
C'mon bro! You said I read it at the pub. That's why I'm here.
No I fucking didn't.
You're so fucking high-strung, I'm just trying to help you out man.
This is great man, this reads like a fucking nut jobs diary man.
Stop reading.
Chill man, I'm enjoying it-- Stop-- Mate, I'm chill, I'm enjoying it all right!
What's that...?
What are you doing mate!
Hey, don't be a fucking twat man, what kind of joke is this?
It's not funny -- dude!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Please stop man!
Shut the fuck up!
You touched my fucking laptop, you invaded my fucking space!
Who the fuck do you think you are?!
Their all objects.
It's pointless.
There's no point in struggling...
I can't let you leave now, it's too late.
I've crossed the rubicon.
This is it.
I know your flatmates are away.
Their on holiday, right?
You're all alone.
No-one's coming to save you.
I can feel how scared you are--
if you scream it'll only serve to hasten things.
Please...
I won't tell anyone.
I just... please... don't.
I've already told you it's too late.
Why are you doing this.
It's nothing personal.
Well, no, I take that back. It kind of is.
Do you remember me?
Yeah, I bet you do.
I told you to be careful who you're rude to.
You've had the chance to escape - all this time - you should have taken it.
Somewhere,
in your subconscious,
you must have wanted this to happen.
I'm sorry...
I already told you it's too late to apologize
and I can tell you don't really
mean it.
I am...
I didn't mean to be so rude.
I'm so sorry...
I'm sorry!
Shut up!
Please...
I don't want--
Please just let me go!
Shut the fuck up!
Every time!
Why is it every time with those
eyes.
I'm sorry...
Do you even know
what those eyes mean?
Do you even understand what they do to me?
It's so overwhelming - it's too fucking much - the feeling I get--
It's like you're you're-you're-you're all wounded animals.
I just don't fucking know what to do.
It's too fucking much - it's too overwhelming, so just stop.
Sometimes it just feels so intense
I just don't know what to do.
I-I can't stay in control
And I want to be in control.
What kind of man am I if I can't be in control.
Oh god, I just feel like I'm going to explode right here and now.
So...
Huey.
Don't say my name.
You don't need to do this.
You don't seem like a bad person.
You're just confused.
I can tell you're having doubts about this but you haven't done anything yet.
You can leave now and I won't tell anyone, I swear I promise, no-one will never know--
I don't want this!
I don't deserve this, I don't want--
How's your throat?
What do you think I'm gonna do to you?
Don't rape me!
Rape you?!
Do you think I'm an animal?!
I'm not going to rape you!
What I'm gonna do--
I don't even know how to explain this--
for me
this is a morbid curiosity.
Or maybe it's like, jumping off a precipice and finally getting rid of the guilt.
I'll be a charlatan if I don't do it.
The whole thing is like an intrusive thought,
I keep thinking over and over and over again -- I've tried to justify my way out of it but the
arguments just keep going round and round in circles in my head. I've tried writing it
to get it out of my system but that just made it worse it just made me--
I wasn't able to
I don't want to torture you.
That's cruel.
I'm not that kind of person.
This is my catharsis.
I know this whole conversation is just prolonging the inevitable.
But I know it, you know it--
but
I guess I just want you to understand, maybe?
Or maybe I just want to tell the truth for once
because I keep having to lie, like half-truths all the time.
Never saying what it really is
for fear of being judged.
I-I just have to get this out of my system.
I've been
too scared
to say what it really is.
Scared of the consequences.
Scared of anything like - fucking hell - it gives
me a panic attack just-just-just saying it.
My hands they go numb and my heart -- it starts
beating so fast, I think it's going to pound out of my chest but it makes me feel so alive
and at the same time I think I'm going to die because of it -- and at the same time at
the back of my head, I-I-I think I'm scared.
Like
what if
killing someone
doesn't feel as good as the fear.
Or worse
what if it feels even better.
Even more intense.
There isn't the drug in the world that could compare with that.
Do you know how utterly terrifying that is?
To know that you could be so utterly addicted to something
that you could never be able to imagine life without it.
It-it's honestly driving me insane and I've tried everything to get it out of my system.
Everything.
But nothing works
so I just have to face facts.
I've tried killing myself.
Seriously.
When I slashed my forearms up,
I tried
to cut the vein but
it didn't cut deep enough.
But I think I knew that.
And do you know how tempting it is to just throw yourself in front of a train on the
underground.
I honestly don't know why more people don't do it.
And yeah, I mean before
you ask I did think about throwing someone onto the tracks
but is that really the same as--
as killing someone with your bare hands?
I-I don't think it is--
No, I think I've--
I think I've got to wring your fucking neck
and then I'll know.
I honestly don't know why I stopped.
I'm so fucked up.
I wish I wasn't.
But at some point
you just have to accept who you are and live with it.
I must have been born this way, I reckon.
That's the only way it makes any sense
It was god [that] made me like this.
And if God didn't want you to be harmed
he wouldn't have put you before me.
Do you know how hard it is to keep up a facade?
It's nice being honest with you.
being honest with myself for once, it's like-a
a weight off my shoulders.
I mean -if I jumped right now
I think I'd float up into the air
like a feather.
It's unreal.
You know what - I'm being incredibly rude talking about myself for so long
why don't you -- why don't
you tell me something about yourself.
When think about it, I don't really know anything about you.
What's wrong?
Well?
That's rude.
When someone asks you a question, you should answer them.
What are you, deaf?
Talk, Jesus!
Why are you being so rude?
I mean I know you don't have any tact, but--
You couldn't stop begging before, and now you don't want to say anything?!
What is wrong with you?!
This is ridiculous!
Why are you doing this?!
You are literally behaving like a doll right now!
You are a human fucking being,
you need to act like one!
What's the point in all this if you don't?!
What are you doing?!
What am I supposed to do right now?
You're just gonna lie there and act like nothing--
none of this is happening?!
Stop acting like a fucking doll!
You are a human being!
Pay attention to me!
Hollow.
I didn't expect it to feel this hollow.
Why has finishing your novel made you feel this way?
Is it a lack of fulfilment?
No...
It's not a lack of anything.
I've simmered down,
that's all.
I thought that something intense would happen, that it would all be overwhelming but--
I just feel incredibly
settled.
It's disconcerting.
I was worried that this would become an obsession
and I was scared of that.
But the reality is so much worse.
I'm not really following...
You know what I think all this is going to become now?
Subsistence.
Subsistence?
Yeah, like
in the future it's all just going to bubble up again.
I won't be able to...
And now that I know what the cure is--
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach but I know that
even that will pass.
I just didn't expect after all the adrenaline it would feel like when I hurt myself.
We're not talking about your writing now, are we?
Does it matter?
Yes.
It's not important.
Yes it is.
No, it isn't.
Huey
what have you done?
I guess...
play god.
It's the end of our session.