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Mister Bandari
Sorry, do I know you?
My name is Winnie McKellar, I'm here to interview you
Yeah of course, good to meet you
The pleasure is mine. I didn't realize it was an in-person interview
I was expecting a phone call
Well my office is just a few blocks away
I find these things are always better in person
I hope you don't mind. No not at all
um I'm Trying to make my flight
Would you mind doing the interview in my car
That would be great Mister Bandari.
Please
Thank you so much for doing this interview
I've heard quite a lot about you
Anything interesting
There's a lot about your company
And its rapid rise into the upper echelon of the tech Industry
So there's nothing interesting right
Well I also noticed that your name appears
at the top of nearly every charity organizations list of contributors
I believe in giving back, after all much has been given to me
You do a lot for people in need
This is the angle I want to take with this article
What do you mean?
Most of what is written about you is about Mr Bandari
The successful businessman entrepreneur
This information is good, but I believe that people are
more interesting than just their job titles
Who is Avinash as a human being. What's his story
What series of events shaped him into who he is today
Well for starters it's Nash for short
Nash
I'm basically from India, where I studied
Computer Engineering I typically fit the stereotype
Of Indians being prolific at computer programming
yes
Well my story actually started in the United States
Great
I moved here after being offered job in a
software company and I didn't know anyone
when I first came, as I was the first one from my family to go into the US
but eventually you made friends I hope
Yes I did, in fact they're still my best friends
tell me about them. How did you guys meet
There's Zorik, the Russian hacker
Is that another stereotype
Ok … what do you want?
Superman red sun signed by Mark Miller
Ha Ha Ha No No way I stood in line for hours to get signed
I know Zorik you we both did you were right in front of me
and when it was my turn the signing was over and book store closed
But it's Redsun
Yaaa
You don't want anything else?
Noooo
Is it still in mint condition
So nice
Super man Redsun. The Sickest shit ever
Ok. Lets not rub it in
I am sorry
Bogdon…
Russian: Bring the duffel bag.
So, tell me. What you are going to do with all this money?.
I'm going to America.
After exchanging the Bitcoins for cash
Zorik made it to the US Mexico border
There he met the other two immigrants
Cameron from Nigeria and Dan Dan from China
The stars must have been aligned
because as a strange twist in their fate
they all realized that they had a similar skill
which is computer engineering
And then they made it into the US together
Then there's Billy, he knows how to handle everything
but actually not knowing anything about it at all
And where is Billy from
He's from Austin
Computer: Next question... F***
Working at the office was a strange experience for a person like me
I'm pretty sure I saw all of my co-workers on TV
at the Charlottesville protest
They were the one that wanted to keep the monuments
They were white supremacists
Billy: Language Library language expressions
She's been gone for a while; you think she's coming back anytime soon
Whatever
So, what are you, like fresh out of the school
I've worked for this company for 2 years
Oh cool are they promoting you today
I'm actually being fired
What do you mean? What makes you think that
They left a note on my desk that's saying
that they can't sponsor my H-1B and I'm being fired
Hey guys, Miss Davenport is unable to meet
with you in person today uh
but the conference room please
Kelsey could you please set up a Skype interview
Thank you
I met Billy on the day of his interview
when I saw him, I realized that he didn't know anything about software
Then, I agreed on helping him ace the interview
Mister Ryan, thank you for your time today
I apologize for the unusual circumstances on this interview
Not a problem
I just have a few questions if you're ready to get started
How are you today?
I'm... I am great thank you, doing good
Can you explain to me what oops is?
Oh no problem take your time
No actually … Can you explain what oops is?
Avinash: object-oriented programming language...
It has inheritance abstraction and polymorphism
and what is inheritance?
That is where the money is
Avinash: It's the feature of oops.
Its allows the case using its methods
and properties into another case
and What versions of java have you worked with so far?
All the … You know, all the popular ones
Avinash: 1.9. 1.8. 1.7
Billy: and 2.0
and What is the difference between 1.7 and 1.8?
0.1…
Excuse me
Avinash: There is library and language changes
Language changes include Lamda expressions
Which are annotations of Java types
and method handling and library changes updates
and the API updates in time
Huh Mr. Ryan Everything seems to be in order …
Do you have any questions for me?
Hmmm how long is typically is lunch..
Laugh .. You are the class clown aren't you
Well thank you for your time Billy
and Please see Cheryl in HR for paper work
Ok, Thank you
Lets see…Billy…
You answered no to health insurance?
mhm… Is that bad
Just in case you change your mind…
Here is comprehensive packet telling you various
enrollment options for you..
Do you have any questions so far
Oh No… Is that an Aloe Vera plant?
Indeed it is…. Are you in to horticulture?
No, it's just that I'm highly allergic to Aloe.
When I am around my face breaks out in hives
and swells up. It's pretty awful,
like Mickey Rourke space... fighter
or just in general
Congratulations on getting the job.
Thank you
You'll start on Monday morning eight o'clock.
Perfect... Ok
just one last thing.
Here's a bit of literature for you to review before Monday.
A bit is an understatement
It's everything you need to know about the project you're taking over.
The fellow before that was let go this morning.
Ohh Really? Wait..You mean Nash?
Yes. What a shame. He was really good at his job
Is there a.. any way I can contact him…
You know if I have any questions about the project
You can catch him before he leaves.
He is probably gathering his belongings.
Ok Okay Thank you Cheryl
Hi...
Billy? Ya
Look, I know you just helped me replace you here,
but I could use your help again.
Sorry... That sounded bad.
They cut my severance.
Sorry.. I really don't know what I'm doing here.
No shit.
Can i ask your number or something ..
And I owe you I owe you big time.
I'll promise I will make it up to you
I'm a different kind of white guy.
602
Wait.. Hold on
602..
I didn't think any one would have hire me that point
So, I have decided to go to the bank and withdraw
the cash I have the little I had known
I have been watched by gang of robbers..
Al right… As soon as he comes out,
one of you will push him in the back seat.
I can't see through the panties.
Is this.. Is this enough disguise?
I don't know, I can't see.
Are you guys listening?
Push him in the back seat.
Good. Now just ... try to look normal.
Oh Look, the old decrypted woman again.
One of you should help her cross the street this time.
Paper-Rock-Scissors
Go … Fine
Hi Ma'am need help
She is beating the shit out of him
Oh, god. Please Please don't kill me. I have no money.
Shhhh....
Thirty-two dollars?
That's all I have.
You are lying.
No, no, no! Check the receipt.. receipt
Balance.. Zero
Look .We don't want your money.
You don't?
why are you so broke?
I got fired... And I'm being deported.
We are also immigrants!
I couldn't tell that from your accents.
No no I didn't see anything I haven't seen your faces! Even if
I see I am too traumatized to remember anything.
We're not going to kill you.
No .. Not yet.
It's a joke, right? American style.
Very... American. American
We are sorry about your job loss.
We are not really criminals.
Depends on how you look at it.
We have not been able to find Employment
ever since came to the states.
We tried to rob you because we are all hungry.
We used our last two dollars on cheap panty hose.
That is Minor investment. Look the point is,
We are just trying to survive.
You understand, yes?
Ya Yaa... I do understand...
Are you sure you don't want to split my thirty two dollars?
Eleven dollars a piece
Keep your money.
Let him out, boys.
Thank you
You guys hungry?
Hindi: Eating like pigs…
I guess… I am not having dinner tonight
Oh.. People of China and Russia thank you for your sacrifice
When was the last time you had food..
Four days for me spent all my money crossing the border
Three days no food and two days no water..
Have you seen ever Russian drink water
I never seen Russian in my life
Well... We won't... it is emergency
Hindi: Eat Eat…
Save some for me
Not on your life buddy
Slow down, Speed Racer.
Speedy Gonzales.
Speedy Gonzales wore a sombrero.
That is right you are good
Sure did
What... like... It wore.. It wore red bandana too
yaa... Yaa He did
I love Speedy... what ever happened to Speedy?
Cartoon Network pulled the series
back in... early 2000s
Yaa.. Yaa
Due to the Mexican stereotypes actually
Hmm. Political correctness killed the mouse
El Gringo Pussygato.
What is that - what is it?
Foreign pussycat
It's not.. I thought it was American
No.. Foreign Pussycat
No.. It is basically the same thing
Derogatory term for white folk
Actually used to call Sylvester the Cat of
El Gringo Pussygato
No shit.. so speedy was a racist too.
mhm... I guess so
Salud. Cheers
So wait... Where, Where this shit take place again?
Was it on the border? Right?
Yeah Yeah.. US Mexico border
It was at cheese factory actually
on the international border .
Sylvester the Cat was guarding it
from starving Mexican mice,
but you know Speedy's speed always won.
So, he was like Robin Hood type
Got it
He's a hero, and a thief.
I guess so
Isn't there a moral conflict there?
Sometimes law and morality are in conflict
What do you mean?
well... It's unlawful to steal obviously but
It's also immoral to just your neighbors to starve to death
especially if you have the power to do something about it
Yeah Tell me about it i just walked into a software company
and took someone's job today. Thats what i did
F*** man
I don't even know.. I don't know anything about
software engineering. I don't know one f***ing thing about it
I am just .... White.
yeah exactly.
They cut his severance pay
F***ing favoritism
I know everyone is always talking about
you know ahh everyone is talking about taking back the jobs back
from the foreigners right now. But
I feel.... like shit .... right now
I'm El Gringo Pussygato. ... Me
How about I top you off
Okay
There you go
Thank you
That for the ragets for
Cheers
Phone Ringing…
Hello
Nash
This is Avinash
Nash. This is Billy
Billy?
Billy From the company
Hey… I need your help
I think we need to be together
we need to help each other, We need to help each other out
I don't need your help
Really?
I know you lost your job today
I don't know whether you saved up or anything… But
You know, we can start off there
I don't know how hard it is going to be
Trying to get another job
Especially since you are..
Indian
I was going to say not US citizen, But
Yeah, so earlier today I said that I owed you one so I am owing you one
And want to make good on that promise
What are you proposing
I am proposing we two meet this weekend
I Start work on Monday, And we can cram all weekend
I will pay you… How's that sound
Billy: Nash
Do you have any food?
Yes
Door Knock sound
Billy
I bought chicken
I don't know you were hindu… Or…
Thanks for bringing it. Yes, I am Hindu…
Excuse the mess please
Foood
Best chicken in town
These guys are your roommates?
Ohh they are. That is Cameron, Zorik and Dan Dan
You have NATO in here
Hey.. I am Billy
Cool.. Cool. So we get to work or
Yeah Please
All right
It's back home I was doing
Makeup on different sets and things but..
You are a makeup artist?
Special effects makeup artist
What do you mean, like Avatar?
No, that is...that is CGI again. More like Mrs. Doubtfire
And Eddie Murphy in Natty Professor
So you can make me look Rod Stewart
I can make you look like Barack Obama
Oh.. Wait… I am going raise
Show… Show
He less like Bruce Lee
He is more like David Carradine
Ha Ha Ha..
Snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper
I heard that… Laughs…
What do you call that move
That move is called Carry the tiger of the mountain
Laughs
Did you teach it to Ronda Rousey?
Nooo
So... This is the money I owe you..
And i would get the rest when i get my paycheck
Thank you
Yep… no problem
So what's next
The cash you gave me is gonna last for a week maybe with these guys in the apartment..
Ohh Too bad
So So why are you have them
Why not they all need a roof and I have one
But I will be gone soon too
Hey.. You like cheese, right?
Ya Sure
I'm in the factory. I can deliver the cheese.
What are you talking about?
Money. Your old job, my new job.
I mean Its not a lot but I mean
It's not Taj Mahal money, but it's sustainable.
Do you want to sponser us?
No no no.. I want to hire you all of you
To do what?
My job
Look, I had great time
weekend being tutored and that's fun
But let us face it - I'm barely a novice in this shit.
You guys are the best
but unfortunately no one is hiring immigrants right now.
So we get paid like under the table
Yeah, exactly
Soon, you'll be buying us all iPhones.
So what's the catch?
No catch. No catch at all
It's a win-win situation.
if it all works out, you guys get a job and I'll get to keep mine
Do I have deal?
Alright… you have a deal..... Alright
Hey cut that Dan Dan
Okay.. I am just getting warmed up
Oh.. You need to jump in the pool and cool down..
Hey man.. What gives?
Ms. Davenport
They uh painted these stripes a little narrow
I find it healthy... to be close to my employees
Is that the doctors orders?
It's your voice… seems a little different
Really?
Oh.. you're not as pixelated, unless you prefer the Minecraft look
You're funny, I like that
My office is at the far end of the hall if you have any questions
Oh Cool cool
My name is on the door. You can't miss it.
Ok. I look for, look for it.. Thank you
Knock on the door… Come in
Uh.. You wanted to see me?
Yes. Please have a seat
Am I in trouble?
Not unless you want to be?
Uhh... No?
How do you feel about your first day out?
Good. I feel good
It's lot of work but I got a great team
Is there anything i can do to make it better?
Umm.. No… Can't really think of any thing with the top of my head
Can I get you anything… like a coffee or anything?
I just love spritzing water in to my mouth
I could do 10 times a day
That's good.Pretty thirsty
Parched… I also get very hungry
So do kids in Africa
Uhh. Is it Is it lunch time? Speaking of hunger, I gotta
I am looking at lunch right now.
Uhh. Okay… Thank you
Let me wipe that out for you
Okay.. Alright Alright you know, I should
I should get to work
Um... Sorry
Fine, Perfectly fine
Your project is due today
We haven't even started
Please ready to be present to the department in one hour
But Ms. Davenport..
Go
Okay. Alright alright alright alright
Hello
I'm in trouble Nash
Project is due in 1 hour
That's funky
Ya I know tell me about it
What happened though?
Ms. Davenport pretty much just tried to get it on with me
oh that's amazing
oh tear it up boss
I heard Ms. Davenport is banging hot
Oh she is banging hot
and her boobies felt really nice against my face
but there are more pressing matters here
Alright don't panic
I want you to get all the work from your team first
Okay alright I'm on it
Hey Dave
Oh.. F***
What a jerk. Who is that guy?
That's Sergio, the official corporate stress reliever
Stress reliever?
like squeezes hand kind of stress reliever?
Probably a counselor
Apparently, there's a lot of stress behind those doors
Apparently so
Hello Ms. Davenport
Someone have an accident on their first day
Yeah good thing I have another shirt
You're more than welcome to change in my office
I'll use the restroom, Thank you
No
What?
I said no
Dave, the project is due in less than an hour
I need your part
What's in it for me
I don't know an A plus sticker? A
gift card to Corner Bakery? What do you want?
How about the satisfaction of
knowing you did your job Dave.
Are we all gung-ho
no we are not all gung-ho
Dave this is our job
no it's my job it's my work
I've been doing this for 15 years
had to answer to some guy from
India in for 4
have to answer to you
okay Dave I'm sorry you hate yourself
but don't bring this down on me okay
I need to be leading this project
But you're not I am. I'm sorry
yeah so am I
Can you get zorich on the line please?
Sure
boss
I need you to hack into someone's computer
Can you do that?
Does an anteater eat ants
of course I can do it
great
alright tell me what you need
Give me colleague profile.
Woah! That's a lot of junk on your desk
What is this? A garage sale?
not really
Oh, I know you
Really?
Yeah! You're the model
who promotes cheap junk online aren't you?
You follow my account?
No
but if these are products you're promoting
I hope you're not using the company's
high speed broadband
Actually, I am.
Ok. Why did you come here?
For an autograph
No, not for an autograph. I need the check list.
We have a task in an hour. Showcase
Showcase on day one? Are you crazy?
I'm nucking futs
That's a 2-week task. You just came on board.
I'm that good
Look, Ms. Davenport liked the codes that I wrote up,
so she asked me to get the checklist from you
and I need it
Can I have it in an hour? Please?
Hey, can I get a checklist popped up?
Thanks
After many hours of development
and rigorous UAT testing
We have released into production
our version 1.0 of the F.R.T.S software
this surveillance software
has facial recognition capabilities
and automatically tracks
any chosen subject
continuously between different cameras
In our home land
sorry let's focus ... I'm sorry
Let's focus the importance
of this technology
Hospitals, office buildings, large buildings
Security will Skyrocket
and efficiency
can you explain the technology behind the scenes
Question is
How... is.. it.. created?
This is garam masala smells wonderful
How is it created?
The technology behind the back box
Cardamom and coriander colander
just tickled my throat for lunch
I had that for lunch earlier it..
Say data mining and data science
data mining data science
Google tensorflow tensor tensor flow
open face and Java web. W-E-B services
you know this is all
technology and stuff, for a lot of people it's really hard to understand.
I am sorry could you refresh us a little more on the functionality
of the software.
Functionality yep.
Nash Nash Nash Nash Nash
Basically, what happens is, all this tracking occurs
because we have all these servers
that are attached to the cameras.
So really, it's the cameras that send in the videos
to the central servers
Where, you know, that's where all the tracking happens.
Is that..? Does that make sense? Yeah
good good good
Should have seen Dave's face that sack of s***
Dave never liked me.
He used to harass me with Indian jokes
I don't I've even heard an Indian joke.
So, how do you blow up an Indian?
I don't know, how?
You press the red dot on his face.
hahaha that's terrible
What do you call Indian dating app?
I don't know, what?
Connect the Dots.
That's pretty good.
Oh wait, hold on a second guys,
email from Miss Davenport
Hit it boss. Oh, insert salami in punani.
Uhhh... Mandatory meeting in 15 minutes.
Ok I got to run. Be available.
Thanks
First, let's take a moment to
congratulate
Natalie on an impressive release today.
Applause
Not only did she deliver a superb product,
but she brought it in 3 weeks ahead of schedule.
Although, I should say
we owe much of today success
to our new team lead, Mr. Billy Ryan.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Mr. Ryan
it's your first day here today...
You didn't overwork yourself did you?
Oh no. Nope, not at all, just getting started.
Mr. Ryan you have a rare gift.
Hadouken
Let's hear it for Billy Ryan: Software Superman.
Okay folks, let's get to the heart of the matter.
I'm looking for a team to work on a
special project, it's urgent.
An Olympic software team would take 8 months to do it.
We need to do it in less time.
How much less?
4 months.
So, what's the project?
Analyzing biological data using Java.
We can do it in 3 months.
We can do it in 2 months.
One month.
That's stupid!
No, he can't.
Never mind Dave. I can do it.
Now, that's b***S***.
You're a fake.
Dave, you and Holly can stop riding my
coattails, okay. Go form your own band.
You may be software Superman, but
you still need a team.
Look, I know a group of really talented guys.
Literally software geniuses
I bring them on, we can pull this off.
Yeah, yeah. What is it software Spider-Man, Iron man, and Batman?
me me me me
It's an 8 month project.
You want to promise it to me? In 1 month?
2 or 3 would have been good, but that was already taken.
but yeah. We can do it. One month.
say it
I can do
one month
What have I done?
Come on! You're leading the resistance.
More power to you.
Yeah, that's just the saying.
I wanted to lead a software team
I have no idea what that meant till today
Well obviously, you leveraged your position.
To an effect, I mean it worked right? Listen,
you are bringing the mice in to the cheese factory.
I can't bring the mice
into the cheese factory.
That's the problem.
This last meeting might as well have been a
clan meeting with the grand wizard
himself. Except this guy is kind of likable
in a weird way.
Well then why did you speak up?
Because I'm impulsive.
I don't know, I didn't think it through.
I just
I just need that Nash and
the guys could do a better job then anybody.
Yeah. Yeah, it does sound like
you're in a little bit of a dilemma.
I mean what are you going to do next.
Can I try one of those fuzzy navel shots?
How about tequila? And this one's on me.
I'll take a free tequila shot.
Always take a free tequila shot.
Any day of the week. Cheers.
Cheers.
Billy isn't book smart, but
I would be lying if I said he wasn't pure genius.
He saw close resemblance of me with
Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson?
Yeah, let me show you.
Wow! Look at that, the King of Pop.
You're a doppelgänger.
This close resemblance brought
in a radical idea in to Billy's brain.
What is it Billy?
Anyone ever tell you
you look a lot like Michael Jackson?
Yeah you kind of do.
Hey Michael Jackson was black.
Was he?
That doesn't matter the man transcended color.
Well I dressed up like Michael Jackson
once for Halloween.
What you guys have Halloween in India?
Now it's getting popular.
Well the point is,
Ms. Davenport is not going to hire
an Avinash or a Dan Dan.
but she will hire a Mike and a Dan.
What about me and Cameron?
Well Zorik you can be Zachary.
and Cameron... You can keep your name. Cameron is fine.
That's fine
Have you looked at me and Nash?
What about our color?
Bingo, that's where you come in.
You guys ever hear of white face before?
You can't be serious.
What is whiteface?
White face, you know,
When people of color paint themselves to look white.
Nick Cannon did it. Really?
Yeah! There's no way painting ourselves white
will work.
Of course it'll work.
Cameron, you said you can make me
look like Barack Obama right?
Can't you make yourself look Caucasian?
Sure it will take hours at a time,
and then you have to maintain it
through out the day.
But it's possible, Right?
Sure it's possible.
I can make us look like whatever we want, but
I cannot change our accents
Well I can help with that
that's fine
I'll tutor you.
Well, that's a long shot.
It's the only shot.
Otherwise I lose my job and you guys go home.
Yeah
I'm already White
I just sound scary when I speak.
I'm okay too.
Cameron?
Okay boss.
We know that in order to pass as a normal white guy
we needed to have clear American accents.
And I thought YouTube tutorials would be of
some help
0 -0 -0 -0
Guys what's going on in here?
it looks like a weird black magic voodoo party.
It's white magic we are practicing.
Yes which I just amazed at the great American culture.
Okay, alright yeah, that's great.
We can do that later. Right now,
you need to fix your makeup
you guys look like the product
of an orgy between Ronald McDonald, Prince.
and an alpaca.
What the hell is orgy?
Cameron, can you help with the makeup stuff?
Okay we'll do this stuff later.
Okay guys.
big .. big ... Black ... Black
bear bear has has
big big blue blue
balls balls
big black big black
bear bear blue balls - frustration in Hindi
That's fine. That's okay. Take five. You'll get it you'll get it.
big black bear blue got big blue balls.
I got it. Yeah. I got it . Now sing it.
The big black bear's got big blue balls
and the big black bears
little big blue lo haha.
What about the f word?
Always a bad idea?
No, not necessarily.
Explain
Okay, well it could be used in a good way.
Like, uh... this Alfredo is F****** amazing
or, it's nice to f****** meet you.
or let's get f***** up.
Dan Dan, tell me I'm a fat piece of s***
who's going to die of heart failure.
You're a fat piece of s*** and
you're going to die of heart failure.
Okay, now ask me if I give a f***.
You give a f***?
No, see by me saying
"Ask me if I give a f***"
It means I really don't care.
how that works?
That's a good one.
Cameron, your head's on fire.
Ask me if I give a f***.
Perfect
Now, take everything that I've taught
you, improvise, add to it, etc.
Evening gentlemen,
will you have room dessert?
or possibly anything else to drink?
Uhhhh I'm good.
Do you guys need anything?
Yes, I would like a f****** Chardonnay.
Excuse me.
Please, and thank you.
How did I do?
Interesting, at least you smiled.
Do you know where the restrooms are?
No I don't.
Oh, ask the maitre d.
Excuse me Sir,
Do you know where the restrooms are?
Absolutely. They're on the opposite side
of the restaurant... F***
Yeah tell me about it. I
've been on my feet all day.
So gentlemen, how was everything?
Dan Dan do you want to handle this?
Exquisite.
I see you ordered the chicken marsala.
How was it?
I totally f***** it up.
Wonderful, if you need anything at all
please do not hesitate to ask us.
Your Chardonnay.
Unfortunately gentleman, my shift has ended,
but it's been a pleasure serving you guys
this evening. I'm going to leave the check
right here, but no rush and
take your time. Thank you
Have a good night. Alright, appreciate it.
f*** off buddy
What?
That's not what he meant.
He meant
f*** buddy?
What? That's not what he meant either
You trying to get with me punk?
No, it's a misunderstanding.
Oh I understand perfectly fine s*****.
That's not creative homeboy.
home- home- It's about... Ohh f***
Are you sure we're supposed to be out here right now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, this is the best way to find out
if it's going to work.
Okay, so the best way to interact is, don't interact.
That make sense?
No. What do we do? Act natural.
Smile, wave
Like, smile at The Stranger.
absolutely
Hi white person!
Don't say white person.
Hello. She actually smiled back.
See how it works?
Americans first.
for peeing?
You guys there.
Yes, you both.
Come here. Come now quickly.
Now pardon our intrusion, but what are y'alls names?
Zachary ... Dan
We...We are cousins.
No
You two are some of the
whitest people we have ever seen.
Thank you.
We need more people like you representing the states.
Zachary, you and your Mongoloid cousin
clearly agree that us, true Americans
are the dominant race.
Toast to that.
Are you two show us how much you hate immigrants?
Yeah hey
Black is whack.. quite so indeed.
Asian lives don't matter.
No they don't.
A toast!
To our race.
The best that god has ever been.
White power? White power.
So, you said you're from Montana?
Yes.
Your facial features strike me as
a little Mongoloid-ish?
My father f***** an immigrant.
Awesome.
You are in.
Billy says you're the best at
acquiring software tools.
Yes, oil from the middle east.
Land from the natives
and now, software from the Chinese.
Nothing a white man can't acquire with high broadband speed.
Wow, you might be good at software,
but look at that piece of hardware.
Well, it if isn't the King of Pop.
Just remember that in this office,
I'm the queen. Period.
Okay, well, it looks like we're all fine and dandy.
This is just a brief formality,
we have a lot of work on our hands.
Review meeting in 15 minutes.
This is the facial reading camera.
Or, FRC for short.
It's used for facial motion capture.
Just like they use in CGI in Hollywood.
Except this isn't Hollywood.
This is government.
Your facial muscles and
how they respond to any
particular stimuli tells quite a lot about
who you are.
It's meant to be used in conjunction with
this machine here.
The NVM or the natural vibrations meter.
The subject will place his hand on the glass.
The glass will then read the vibrations
through his hands and fingers.
Our job is to design a processor
that will analyze this data.
That will then be tested by the nervous system database,
or NSDB.
And what's the goal? What's the
government trying find out?
If the subject is lying.
Our goal is to use these at every US Port of Entry.
To keep out the brown and black sheep trying to get in.
Anybody want to say anything?
What?
Hey, keep your piss over there.
Sorry
It's over.
What do you mean over.
I mean we can't move forward with this.
We have to.
It's a lie detector Billy.
And we all are f****** liars.
It's bunch of liars writing a software code
to catch people like us.
What you are talking about?
They are going to use on our people.
That's not true.
You heard her.
She said every US port of entry.
Yeah, for the black and the brown sheep.
You guys are white sheep.
We are colored sheep in white sheep's clothing.
That's not what I meant.
Look if the lie detector test is
meant to weed out the worst of the immigrants.
You know, if you are criminal or
or liar, or threat to the society, then you shouldn't be allowed in.
But if you are a decent human being,
trying to enter this county legally,
sure come on in. I'll buy you a drink.
What if we manipulate the system?
We create version for ourselves,
then we deliver the
real product at the very end.
No, this can't be done that way.
This software is way more complicated.
It does not have on off switch.
He is right. It can not be done.
We have to deliver good product.
But how?
By doing an honest good job.
We were bought here
because we are good at what we do.
That is what who we are.
Forget about our skin color,
Billy gave us this opportunity
when no one else would.
We owe it him and we owe it to ourselves.
To be the best versions of ourselves.
Let's do this.
Alright.
I'll make this easy guys .
We'll use variables X Y and Z
Facial reading will be X.
Hand reading is Y.
And the Nervous System database is Z.
We have 3 cases.
Now Case 1,
if X=Y then the subject is confident.
If X=Y=Z he is confident and telling the truth.
However if X=Y does not equal Z,
then the subject is confident, but is not telling the truth.
Now we have Case 3.
X does not equal Y.
Then we don't even look at Z
because we already know the subject is a liar.
Right.
Easy stuff . You guys got it ?
Billy ? Yeah! You got it ? Yeah.
Okay, so Nash,
you handle the FRC coding.
Ok Dan Dan, the NVM.
Will do. Alright.
Zorik, you are the business analyst on task.
So, I need you to consult with the marketing executives,
to get the customer requirements. Ok.
If Dave's a dick about it, you know what to do.
Right.
Cameron, you're the tester.
So, start preparing the checklist.
Alright guys, let's rock 'n' roll.
Wait wait wait.
Yeah, you all need touchups.
What do we do? Restrooms. Alright.
Hi, this is Holly. Yes, with 5k followers.
Uhuh.
Dave!
Dave.
Shit, you startled me.
Update on Billy and his team.
Okay, lets hear it.
They are working on something big, but
I cant figure out what it is.
They're speaking in code.
Well, they are software people.
No! Like code speak.
They are using words like
X,Y,Z to talk about the project.
Where are they now?
The men's restroom.
Something about a touch up.
Why aren't you there?
It's a men's restroom.
Ok good point.
Let's see what I can find out.
Yeah, so I told him that's syphilis brother.
Got to get that checked-out.
That's disgusting. Yeah.
Like a leaky faucet.
I'm like your brother Billy.
Only, the better-looking one.
Yeah, you do look like my brother.
We have company.
Dave is on his way.
Oh shit! Hide the makeup.
Go! Go! Go! Just go! Just go! Just go!
Hey, Dave.
How's that new job treating you over there.
Marketing executive, right?
Good one , good one to have.
Cool
Talk later.
Psst. Hey, hey buddy.
You got any toilet paper over there.
I'm all out.
Is this a wet nap?
Yes, it is.
And it's scented?
Royal treatment for my royal ass.
Do you need another one?
Sure, I mean I'm always such a mess down there.
Hey buddy, I couldn't help but notice,
That your, your middle finger is black.
I got my finger stuck up sex doll.
Oh.
Yes, I should have unplugged
it from the wall first.
We're all sensitive to water.
You may see a gardening tool,
but I see the ultimate selfie light.
Move, get out of the video.
I just saw the most bizarre thing in the restroom.
Are they gay?
No! It's more than that.
More? Like they have both parts?
No no no.
It's not about the parts. It's about the color.
You saw the color of their parts?
Yes! No! Well, not exactly. It's like
they're coated.
Like a powdered donut?
Bingo! See, it's not their parts,
their hands and faces.
What do you mean?
Ok. I don't think these people are really white.
Ew, gross. Nonwhites? What do we do?
Watson.
we'll start our own investigation and get to the bottom of this.
Who's Watson?
Get with the program.
What's your password?
Dave is gay.
I knew that, password?
No, that's my password "dave is gay"
Oh, that great password! Thank you.
Hi Ms. Davenport.
Mike
The King of pop.
Ms. Davenport, the Queen.
Would you come over here and,
fix my hardware?
Well, come on. Don't be shy.
Okay, sure.
You're a handsome fellow,
You know that?
Thank you.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Well... I do have
You think I'm pretty?
Sure, you are.
Oh,that looks like you have a spot.
Right there.
Someone needs to change their pants. I will take care of it.
no no no
I insist.
Please, don't.
Do I have to get rough with you?
Don't Don't Don't
Oh my god.
That's the Sunburn from the Bahamas actually.
Oh, exotic.
Well, baby, let me
just go ahead and burn your lips
while we're at it.
Mike! Oh no, okay.
Sorry, Ms. Davenport, but I need him.
I need him! Well, I need him for the deadline.
No No No.
Come on, let's go.
Pull your pants up.
My computer is still broken.
Hey it's Dan, right?
Yes.
Dan, how's your day going?
Ok...
How has your day been?
Ohh, not so good.
No sirree.
My girlfriend, she just broke up with me.
Left me for a damn chink.
Can you believe that?
What's wrong with chinks?
Dude, come on what planet are you from?
You know, Chinks, they got the
little, tiny, ultra, microscopic penises.
You must have seen lot of
Chinese dicks to come to that conclusion.
I mean, you know that's
the thing, you don't have to actually see them.
Just have a look at their crotch and you can tell.
Ohhhh
What's the matter, Dan?
Cat got your dick?
No. Coffee got your dick.
I got a bad feeling about Cameron at lunch.
He's got that black kind of vibe
going on and he refused to eat pork.
Sounds like foreign shit to me.
The Mongoloid spilled coffee
on my dick, it still hurts.
These guys are too phenomenal at software.
They can't be white.
Stop! My office! Right now!
What is the meaning of all of this?
I was just trying to use the restroom.
Dave, I was born at night, but
certainly not last night.
You and Holly have some explaining to do.
Ms. Davenport, we were simply
trying to show you something.
In the men's restroom?
What kind of software company are we running here?
Ms., there's something you really ought to know.
It's about these guys.
Go on.
OK lets see. How do I put this?...
They're really not Caucasian.
In fact, probably not even American.
Okay, that's offensive.
It's true! They're hiding something.
This is absurd.
Take a look at these dashingly
handsome white men.
Have you two gone color blind?
They're wearing a disguise.
It's makeup.
Prove it.
Move
Stop it! Give me that!
You apologize to Zachary, right now
Spray it on Mike!
He's definitely wearing makeup.
No. Mike is white.
He's just terribly sunburnt from the waist down.
I know, I checked.
But...
That's enough Holly.
I don't know what's gotten into you two.
From what I understand, the two of
you were moved into marketing.
A significantly lower paying job.
If you keep it up, you'll be working in sanitation.
Consider this your first warning.
Billy, have you completed the task?
Almost there.
Good, you and I have a meeting with
the senior manager in 30 minutes.
Can you manage that?
Absolutely.
And where is Cameron?
He is fixing his hardware,
you know what I mean.
Well I need that done soon.
Dave and holly were onto us.
They tried everything
they could to try and expose our identities.
God,
Man. why did it have to be a three prong plug.
What's this?
A signal jammer.
You have your own jammer?
I modeled the product a couple of weeks ago.
It's suppose to block electronic signals.
We can block their communication.
Exactly. Billy will have to do the
demo meeting on his own.
Check check. One-two. Check check.
Nothing, I can't hear nothing.
Me neither.
No. Nothing.
No wifi.
Oh God, what am I gonna do
Billy, you ready?
Yes
Can you hear me , check check.
1 2 3 Billy?
Are you there Billy?
So our FRC has been carefully
calibrated to pick up
the most minute differences between subtle biometrics.
Ah Bllly
Do you have anything you'd like to add?
Oh yes, well you have pretty much
covered everything. But..
write unbeatable code.
That will be able to screen
the test subjects for any discrepancies.
How's this different from the
current detectors on the market?
Billy? Different. Different.
Uhhhh... It is different. Uhhh
Because, well
we are using the most telling
feature of the humanity, which is face.
Are you are you a poker player sir?
Yeah
Well even the most casual poker players
Faces have a natural flair or
How many times a person blinks
speaks volumes to their behavior.
What about the software screening
these biometric use.
Software screening is like a lot of stuff
like, you know, a lot of technical jargon.
Stuff you know. I'm sure you're used to writing code.
It's like java, you know, data mining.
You know... it's a bunch of pushing stuff like biometrics and readers.
*gibberish* Alright.
Ok
Congratulations guys. You did it.
A job well done team!
The company is treating all employees
to a special camping retreat for the weekend.
I expect all of you to be there.
Yes, camping!
Sweating, swimming.
Sleeping over night.
Closed quarters.. Shit.
Hey, this is our chance . Holly.
We're in the outdoors,
away from the office walls,
there's no technology to get in the way.
I can't get a signal out here.
Can you get anything?
Holly!?
Oh wait here we go!
YAY SIGNAL!
Were you saying something?
Never mind. Just pay attention next time.
Oh look who's coming?
Hey Dave! Holly.
What do you want?
I'll take one of these burgers.
Thank you Holly.
Alright.. This is great. Isn't this nice holly?
It's an amicable exchange.
Ew.
I'm not going to agree with you.
That's too bad cause I was going to
talk to you about promoting something.
I'm already promoting tons of stuff.
Yeah, but you're stuff is really cheap and weird.
I mean, you know that right?
What's your point?
My point is..
Do you know why you can't get past 5,000 followers?
Why?
Cause, your content sucks.
Okay?
You don't have a cause.
You don't stand for anything,
but you're pretty.
And that's why these cheap companies
pay you cheap money to sell their products.
But, if they knew your value
then you'd be getting paid a lot more.
Don't listen to him Holly.
He's up to something.
Not everybody's always up to something Dave.
Okay, what is it that you'd like me to promote?
It's this pin. It's my niece,
she's promoting left handedness.
I'm left handed.
So is my niece.
Okay, why is there awareness
for being left handed?
That's not a real cause!
Wow, that's real insensitive Dave.
This world unfairly caters to right handed people.
You know, Jimmy Hendricks
flipped his guitar the other way because
they didn't make left handed guitars back then.
It's true, it's a real cause Dave.
I'm wearing it,
and I'm going to promote it all weekend!
I stand for something, I have a cause!
There you go! Now watch those likes
and followers move right up!
Left handed high five?
Cool. See you guys.
I can't believe you're going to wear that pin!
You wouldn't unterstand, Dave.
Well think about what Billy did!
I mean left handed or right handed,
he screwed us both.
You're right.
Okay, well now look, we just need to expose them.
Alright?
And then we can get our old jobs back
and get in Ms. Davenport's good graces.
What do you suppose we do?
Okay look, here's a suggestion box for
the upcoming group games.
All we have to do is get them into games
that will compromise them.
What if our suggestions never get picked?
Well we'll empty out everyone else's suggestions,
and fill the box up with our own.
Okay, sounds like a plan.
What are we suggesting?
Have you every heard of Beer Pong?
Beer Pong?
I know Ping Pong.
Oh is that neighbor of yours?
Racist bastard.
You guys are missing the point.
What's wrong with little beer pong?
The four of you need to practice a little restraint.
Restraint from what?
It's just a couple of drinks Billy.
Not with Beer Pong.
Okay, it's a lot of drinks.
We knew nothing about the
American camping experience.
It was so weird to perform a dance
routine around the campfire
Yes, it is a little unusual.
It'll get more weirder, I promise.
That's why, you never want to pee in the river in Peru.
Yeah those parasites will
swim right up your pee stream.
Get right inside you.
Oh.
Ew gross!
I have a story!
Sure Dave.
Okay, once upon a time,
I had a great job.
Then, I had to work for a stupid immigrant.
Now, I work with Billy and a bunch of-
An upbeat story Dave. Let's leave work at work?
Fine. Why doesn't Zachary share something?
Okay. Uh, once upon a time...
There was a little boy with a little dog.
Oh no no no no it's gets better.
So the dad comes home one night,
and he has a present for his little boy and the dog.
A real tear dripper isn't it?
No no no no just, just wait.
So the dog, he makes his cute little face
and unwraps the present.
They open it and they see a watch and
it's attached to a bundle of dynamites.
Three, two, one, Kablooey!
[[Laughs and claps]]
The boy is crying like a little bitch,
and the dad says that is what happens
when you don't clean up your dog's shit.
So, the boy he's totally pissed.
Grabs an axe, climbs on top of his father's back
and chops his head off in twenty tries.
The end.
Oh, you know my father used to tell
me that story before bedtime.
[[awkward claps]]
Dan you've been a little quiet.
Do you have any stories for us?
Maybe a vacation story?
Yes. We went on vacation to Florida one time
to catch the fall colours and
it was freezing cold that year.
In Florida?
Yes, when we got there,
there was a terrible snow blizzard.
Hey when was this?
Last year, we went on the Fourth of July weekend
and we wore scary costumes.
Sounds a lot like halloween.
Don't steal the man's spotlight. Please continue.
The next day, I was chopping firewood,
when a Polar Bear found me.
He chased me through the woods and
I ran and I ran and I closed the door to my cabin just in time.
I almost died.
Well, it's a good thing you made it to the cabin,
otherwise you might have
swallowed up by the big blue whale.
How did you know?
You've been looking at my Instagram haven't you?
Here we go, team America.
It's a party! Alright
[[everyone murmurs in excitement]]
You guys having fun?
[[Everyone exclaims]
Now I'm not having fun…Billy.
Woah
Come on Holly.
i was just going to tell you,
you can bounce it if you want to.
Next time. Next time.
Please please please
That's fine. That is fine. That's fine.
Can I go?
Is it my turn?
Alright.
No no no no… I think you need to go to other side.
Alright buddy.
Alright, come on.
Why don't you go join your own team.
Ok that's fine
Alright. Here we go. Put the American first.
Step back
[[winning cheers]]
Ok. That's fine.. That's fine, come on
Ohhhh. It's ok.. it's ok.
[[winning cheers]]
I'll drink the next one. I'll drink the next one.
It's all yours.
Good job!
It's mine, mine.
Cool! Whoa!
Ok. I'll drink these.
Excuse me, Ms. Davenport?
Yes?
We just want you to know that
these guys are not for real.
We can prove it.
Ms. Davenport they're so drunk, just ask them where they're from.
They'll tell you the truth.
Ohh, where are you from?
I have a funny story.
What if I told you, I am not from Montana.
You guys are good at it.
I don't come from Montana, I am from China.
Ha Ha Ha
You are funny.
Ask! Ask! Ask!
Ms. Davenport just look.
Davenport want's you.
Ms. Davenport?
Wait, papers over there, lay it on my desk.
Enough of this.
What? What? What?
Dave?
Dave.
Dave?
How drunk did I get last night?
What's gotten in to you?
Is this Holly's hat?
I don't know.
Do you remember last night
what the new guys said.
Damn it Dave.
I haven't been that drunk since 11th grade homecoming.
I was beginning to feel more relaxed.
So far we have gone through all the hurdles
thrown in our way by Dave and Holly.
But it was nature at the end, who beat us.
Sure your friends are going to be okay peeing by themselves?
Yeah they will...
I just know how much you guys like to support each other in there.
[[thunders and rain]]
Nah
Oh my god.
Natalie
I can explain.
Don't touch me.
You're fired.
You're all fired!
What about the demo? You don't care about it?
If any of you show up tomorrow,
I'll press charges.
Or have you deported! You got that?!
Billy...
We felt terrible for deceiving everyone.
So, we decided on going to the office one last time,
and apologizing for it.
I thought I told you guys not to show up.
You did, but we did anyway.
Look, we're really sorry about everything.
You trusted us, and we took advantage of it.
We weren't trying to. We just needed the job.
Regardless, you gave us great opportunity.
We hope, that my work was satisfactory.
aa.. Our work.
That's it. We just wanted to tell you in person.
We're sorry.
Let's go guys.
Wait!
Don't' you guys have a demo to do today?
It's kind of happening right now.
Yeah.
Sure.
Ladies and gentlemen let me present to you,
our project lead Mr. Billy Ryan and his team.
I will let Billy and his team explain the lie detector machine.
Thank you Ms. Davenport.
Good morning ladies and gentlemen.
The facial reading camera,
natural vibrations monitor,
and nervous system database compiled together,
to create the ultimate lie detector.
What goes in to it?
Really just a bunch of boring code and
It's frankly pretty dense and confusing, but
the most important thing is the outcome.
Okay Nash.
Tell us your name.
I am Avinash, Nash for short.
For the past month, I was called Mike.
ding
Alright, tell us about yourself Nash. ding
Alright, tell us about yourself Nash.
I am from India. My father saved up some money,
he bought 2 acres of land and built the small house in it.
Even before I was born.
Our dream is to build a school for the local children who are poor,
and I have a sister who is preparing for marriage.
So, I want to pay for it and also attend the wedding myself.
As I recall, you also graduated at the top of your class, is that correct?
Yes.
And where did you get the degree from?
MIT.
MIT. Alright.
How did you get in to MIT?
I took a student loan from bank in India.
That helped me.
and um
How are you doing on paying the loan back?
For from it. The tuition fee is 50000 dollars.
Which is 3.3 million rupees in India.
What happens if you don't pay the bank back?
The house that my father built will be taken away
Our land will be seized and dream of building
the school for the poor will be taken along with it.
My sisters wedding: The wedding have to be cancelled.
Would you consider development of this software conflict of interest?
No, I believe in the greatness of America.
It's my privilege and honor to be a part in strengthening this nation.
Thank you Nash.
Zorik?
Okay Zorik, what do you do?
I am a hacker from Russia.
Do you enjoy hacking?
Yes.
Tell us about it.
In the Russia internet is censored.
The government controls the masses by
suppressing the ideology that could truly liberate its people.
We don't have free access to literature of democracy.
Because real democracy is threat to the Kremlin.
I seek out the truth by hacking into the security networks.
But you are not looking to hurt anyone?
No, no I'm looking for social progress.
Alright thanks Zorik, I appreciate it.
Dan Dan?
Last but not least
Okay Dan Dan, what is your background?
I am from China, and I am also a software engineer.
Growing up I always loved American movies.
I always dreamed of coming to the US,
because I thought it was so cool.
I had just finished University and I
was looking for a job when
I got an email for a job opening in the US.
So you came here for a job opportunity.
Yes, but mostly for the American experience.
And what is the American experience?
Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,
good people, and friends.
How is your experience so far?
The best ever. I'm hoping this experience will help me in
starting my own company in China.
Okay Dan Dan, you can take your seat, thank you.
Okay folks, I think that about does it. Right?
Would you mind if I take the test?
Not at all I, don't see why that's a problem.
Okay first off, I would like to say
how thoroughly impressed I am by these guys for
creating this.
Let's give them a round of applause.
[[claps]]
Let's have some fun.
Okay.
Like this?
Yeah, just like that. Do you work for the government?
Yes.
Have you ever eaten your toenails?
No.
You have to keep it truthful now.
Let's refrain from asking personal questions.
I'm afraid I can't do that, we have to get to know
you and see if you're trustworthy.
Fair enough.
Okay, do you think Zorik is bangable?
He's okay.
All right, all right what will you use this technology for?
Only at US ports of Entry.
Plus every courtroom
everywhere.
So, what do you think of Nash, Cameron, Dan Dan, and Zorik?
How do I feel about these guys. Aside from their accents,
they are Americans to me.
Well you guys did it!
Yeah, just give us a minute and we'll clear our desks.
There won't be any need for that. You guys screwed up
royally, but you also contributed immensely to this company.
Not to mention the country, I want you all guys all back here tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah, we have lots of work to do.
All right.
But leave the makeup off, you guys look a lot cuter this way.
Was it that bad?
Excuse me, Homeland Security, come with me.
f*** man.
Are you kidding?
Is this a joke?
How did they know?
How do you think?
I can't believe Holly isn't tweeting about this yet.
Where is she?
Oh yeah, Holly, she got arrested for selling fake boner pills
off her social media.
We were detained by the Department of Homeland Security,
and kept in a holding cell. We all knew it was the end of us,
and we were being deported. But, something really
unexpected happened. The US government pardoned us.
They said that the work we have done is recognized as
a service for the country and just like that we were free again.
Soon after, we were all in high demand.
We all landed jobs developing highly classified
projects for different companies in the US.
Sounds like you all hit the jackpot.
Well, the American dream is the jackpot.
Everything else is an added perk to it.
Well, here's where I get off.
Nash, you've got an incredible story.
Thank you for sharing this
I can't wait to start writing about this.
I'm glad we talked this was the best interview, and
thanks for bringing all the memories back.
Anything you want to leave us with?
Yes, I got the citizenship and that's the highest honor of
my life. As a piece of advice, I
would say, do not react to any situation in life
always respond to it.
Thats amazing, congratulations.
Roger, please drop her back at her place.