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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Warren!
[cheering and applause]
[Greg Warren] Hey, thank you.
That's great.
So, this thing all started a while ago.
I was in Iowa. And I was doing a show.
And there was a bunch of farmersin the crowd and...
I don't know anything about farming.
So, I asked this guy, I go, "What do you farm?"
He goes, "Beans." And I said,
"Like, green beans?"
And they all started laughing at me
like I was the dumbest person they'd ever met.
"He thinks we grow green beans in Iowa!
"Oh, that's a good one there, green bean!
"Green beans in Iowa, don't that beat all!
This fella is a comedian, I'll tell you!"
It was soybeans, all right, it was soybeans, I...
I didn't know, I didn't know. By the way, green beans.
That's not that ridiculous of an answer.
That's a real food. I've eaten them before.
I didn't say jelly beans, okay.I said...
I said a legitimate vegetable.
I don't know what the plants look like.
I mean, I know corn. Like, I, I know corn.
Like, I-- I could pick corn out of a lineup, but...
Past that, I'm not gonna lie to you guys, I get confused.
I'm like, "Is that a potato tree?"
I can't tell. I'm not sure.
You should be nice to peoplewhen they don't know something.
That's how I was brought up.
You know, I live in the suburbs of St. Louis.
I hope one of those farm guys comes to the suburbs sometime.
Maybe I won't be so nice to him.I'll take him to do like some,
you know, suburb stuff or whatever, I...
I'll take him to the Texas Roadhouse.
He won't know what to do there.
"Where's the bowl for the peanut shells?"
"You throw 'em on the floor, dummy!
Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"You don't know what to do in the suburbs, you stupid bean picker!"
I'll take him to Starbucks. "I'll take a large coffee."
"It's called Venti here. Venti, dirt digger!
"Don't be ordering beans either.
"They got beans here, but they're coffee beans.
Arabica, Robusta. No soy!"
Then the barista will be like, "Well, technically,
we have soybeans in soy lattes."
And I'll be like, "You shut your mouth, hippie.
"All right, you don't take sidesagainst your own kind.
We're on the same team."
[audience laughter]
So, I told that story later
and this lady came up to me after the show.
She goes, "Hey, I'm a farmer."
She goes, "Don't feel bad about the beans."
She goes, "I met this guy the other day.
He didn't know the difference between field corn
and sweet corn."
[audience laughter]
[scattered applause]
[nervous laugh]
"What a dummy!
"You know how earlier when I said I know corn?
I... I don't."
They're like, "There's two different kinds."
I'm like, "Yeah, on the cob and...
not on the cob." They're like, "No, it's field and sweet."
I'm like, "Oh, sweet. You're talking about kettle corn, I've had it, yeah."
So, if you don't know the difference
between field corn and sweet corn, field corn,
that's what they grind up and they feed to the animals
and sweet corn, that's what we eat.
And once they explain it, it's very easy to remember
because field corn is grown in a field.
Whereas sweet corn is grown in a field.
So, you can see these farmers make it real easy
to understand their stock.
When I was in Iowa, I went to the restaurant,
and on the front page of the menu it said, uh,
"We make our own ketchups."
They were bragging about their homemade ketchup.
Honestly, I'm not sure that I knew ketchup was made.
I think... I think I thought that was an element.
I thought that was K on the periodic table.
It turns out that's potassium, which makes no sense at all.
There's not even a K in that word.
What, now you're gonna tell me R-N is not for Ranch Dressing?
Why don't you take a science class?
I tried one of their homemade ketchups, it was not good.
Now, granted, I think it was field ketchup, but...
[laughter, scattered applause]
So... [chuckling]
I, yeah, I don't know a lot about farming,
I guess you can see, I mean...
The closest thing that I do to farming on a regular basis
is sometimes when I'm at the grocery store,
I'll buy stuff out of the bulk bins.
[scattered chuckling]
I'm not saying it's as hard as farming,
I'm just saying there's a lot of similarities.
You gotta shovel out the walnuts, you know...
You gotta put the walnuts in a bag.
You gotta weigh the bag.
Farmers are always weighing stuff, you gotta...
You gotta write the POU code number on the bag.
A lot of times there's not even a pen
to write that POU code number on the bag.
So you take it up to the register.
The lady's like, "You're supposed to write the code number on the bag!"
I'm like, "Lady, there's not a pen
to write that code number."
Honestly, now that I think about it, it's probably
harder than farming, you know, like...
You don't have all those steps in farming.
You don't have to deal with that lady and...
Why do I have to write the codenumber on the bag anyway?
They're walnuts!If you work at a grocery store,
you should be able to identify a walnut.
That should be part of the hiring process.
"What's that right there?" Oh, that's a pecan."
"No, you can't work here, man, you're fired."
But they were like, "No, we gotta know whether
they're organic walnuts or regular walnuts."
I'm like, "Well, organic walnutsare 78 bucks a pound,
and I'm not a Saudi Arabian prince,
so I'm pretty sure...
they're not organic walnuts."
There's, like, six guys in the world who can afford organic
walnuts and none of them just used a frequent shopper card.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, so...
Like, the first farmer that I really ever knew was through wrestling.
I was a wrestler when I was in college and...
[scattered whistles]Yeah...
My senior year, my coach called me in for a meeting.
He goes, "Warren." He goes, "You need more
competition in the practice room."
He goes, "This is what we're doing this year.
"We're bringing in this guy named Steve. He's a local farmer.
He used to wrestle back in the day. He was real good."
I'm like, "All right, I'll wrestle Farmer Steve."
[laughter]
Steve shows up the first day.
He's old, he's like 45, all right?
When you see a guy that's 45 and you're 20,
you're like, "I'm not gonna wrestle that guy!
I'll play checkers with him or something like that."
So, for the first, like, hour of practice,
Steve just sits down on the wall like an old guy.
Finally Coach goes, "Warren, wrestle Steve."
I go, "Steve, you want to warm up?"
Steve goes like this, he goes...
That's not a wrestling stance.
I look at my buddy, I go, "I don't want to hurt this old dude."
And then they blew the whistle.Steve jumped about
a foot and a half in the air.
He grabbed me by my chin and my head.
He threw me on the mat and proceeded to beat me,
like beat me. Like, when I say beat me,
I don't mean he scored more points than me.
He physically beat me.
It was like he beat me over the head with me, all right?
Come to find out Steve is on the Olympic team in 1980.
Nobody told me that.
You guys remember what happened in 1980?
We boycotted. We didn't go.
And apparently Steve was still angry about it.
I was on the bottom, like, "Steve, I'm not Jimmy Carter,
I had nothing to do..."
[laughter, scattered applause]
If you guys don't remember whathappened in 1980, that summer,
the Olympics were in Moscow, and in the spring,
the Russians invaded Afghanistan.
And our president said, "Hey, if you guys don't get
out of Afghanistan, we're not going to the Olympics."
Now what he could of done, was just sent
Steve to Afghanistan.
He would've handled that situation in about a half an hour.
[with accent] "No more Steve! Very bad man!
"No more Steve! We quit, we quit.
"You have Afghanistan. You have Russia if you want!
"Just for God sake, please, no more Steve.
Very, very bad man, Steve."
So, yeah, man, that's, uh...
That's my limitation of farm knowledge.
Steve, you know?
And it wasn't pleasant.
But I've been trying to learn, I've been trying to learn.
Ever since those bean pickers made fun of me,
I've been learning.I've already learned some stuff.
I learned this, um, corn.
That is the number one cash cropin the United States.
I didn't know that, mostly 'cause I don't know what a cash crop is.
I think it means, like, corn,that's a very popular vegetable,
so the corn farmers, they only accept
cash, whereas...
Your lesser vegetables, like a Brussels sprout, they'll take Diners Club.
You could use a TJ Maxx card
for some asparagus, I'm pretty sure.
I also learned this. If you're hanging out
with a bunch of farmers and oneof them has their fly down,
just say, "Hey, man, your fly's down."
Don't say, "Somebody forgot to shut the barn door!"
They flip out."Randy, I told you to shut that!
That's our livelihood!"
[laughter]
I, uh, and I've been visiting places.
I actually went to a farm festival here in Illinois,
a little bit south of here, in Millstadt, Illinois.
And it was, like, it was cool. They had all this farm stuff.
There was like a thousand peoplethere, I took my niece.
It was cool. We did farm stuff.
Like, uh, we went in a corn maze, um...
It was tough. You know, it was hard.
It was way harder than the cabbage maze.
I mean, that was...
[laughter]
I can see it all from here!
We, uh, and you know,
we sat on a hay bale and watched a country band.
And that's the only chairs they have
at a farm festival is a hay bale.
I felt guilty 'cause, you know, the horse
is probably looking at you like,"Yeah, man, um...
"I was gonna eat that.
"You know, you sit on me all day long,
"now you wanna sit on my food.
"Anything else you wanna sit on?
"Oh, hey, those are pony rides over there.
You want to sit on my kids. Thanks a lot, you jerk."
But we're sitting on this, uh,we're sitting on this hay bale,
and this guy comes up, he goes,
"They're getting ready to shoot the pumpkin!"
I don't know what that means, but I'm in, it sounds...
They wheel out this giant cannon.
It was like a war cannon.
And they just put a pumpkin in it and they shot it.
Far, and high, and fast,
and beautiful, like...
I went to the Grand Canyon a couple months ago,
and if you haven't been, go 'cause it's breathtaking.
But after about six minutes there I was like,
"I wish they had a pumpkin cannon."
I mean, this is...
It's nice and all, but after a while it's just rocks.
I mean, shoot some vegetables, give me some action!
I'm not a dad, if I was a dad, I would be honest.
I'd be like, "You know, my child was born today.
"Today was the greatest day of my life
except for when I saw that pumpkin cannon
in Millstadt, Illinois. That was way better.
That was, that was way better, I mean..."
I mean, I would be honest. Dads, whenever dads start
talking about the greatest day of their life,
they always backtrack, you know?
"The Cardinals won the World Series, this is the greatest day of my life!
"You know, except for my wedding day, and uh,
"the birth of my three children.
That was better, definitely. My wife's not here, is she?"
At least once I'd like to hear some guy,
"The Cardinals won the World Series!
"This is ten times better than when my stupid kid was born.
"I mean, I love my kid, but theday he was born, I just met him.
I've been a Cardinals fan for 54 years, man!"
[laughter and applause]
My dad's a big St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan.
He loves 'em. Yeah, I mean...
He really likes the baseball.
But, more importantly, the Cardinals have this promotion
where if they score six or more runs in a game,
he gets his coffee the next dayat the gas station for 39 cents.
And, normally, I think it's about 59 cents.
So you can see it's very important to him.
It's a big part of his life and...
We're watching the game onetime, and it's late in the game.
The Cardinals, they're winning like five to nothing.
And I think like, bottom of theeighth or something.
And basically, they had the game won.
But he's locked in 'cause he hadn't gotten his coffee yet.
And our best hitter came up, and he grounded it
into a double play to end the inning.
And my dad looked at me, he goes,
"Seems kind of fishy, huh?"
[laughter]
"Yeah, they're point shaving, Dad, they're point shaving, yeah.
"Yeah, the Cardinals are incollusion with Mobil On The Run
so you don't save 20 cents on your coffee tomorrow.
Like, I would call the FBI, Dad.
This has gotta go to the top. This is important.
This is the next Chicago White Sox scandal, I think.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah, my uh, my dad, uh...
he was the high school wrestling coach.
He was my wrestling coach in high school.
It was pretty cool 'cause, um,
I was like one of the only white guys on the team.
And so, when I-- you know, your first day of high school
when you're a freshman, you're really nervous and scared.
I wasn't, 'cause I knew all the guys on the wrestling team from my dad.
I knew Byron Blassingame.
He was the toughest guy in the whole school.
And he was cool to me, he was really nice to me.
Every time he'd see me in the hallway he'd go,
"Lil' Warren.
Where your daddy at?"
[laughter]
"Where your daddy at, lil' Warren?"
Like, that was Byron's way of saying "hi," like...
He didn't really want to know where my dad was, but,
I was like a dorky white kid so I'm, like...
"I think he's at the bank, Byron!"
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Lil' Warren say his daddy at the bank."
[laughter]
Like, I got it after a while. Like I, you know, I got it.
"Where your daddy at, lil' Warren?" "Hi, Byron!"
Thank God later, like, he really didn't need to know
where my dad was, like, in an emergency.
"Lil Warren, the gym on fire! Where your daddy at?"
"Uh-huh, where your daddy at, Byron?"
[laughter]
I said, you know, I said I'm not a farmer.
I don't know anything about it.I don't know anything about
like, any kind of blue collar job.
I mean, I respect people that work with their hands.
I just, I don't know anything about it.
I met this guy recently.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm an iron worker."
I had nothing.
I go, "That's a sturdy metal.
"Done some work with aluminum.
"Foil, mostly.
"Wrapping snacks and stuff like that.
You guys got foil over there in iron? No?"
I mean, I, yeah, my dad was a wrestling coach.
That's a blue collar job.
My grandpa was a butcher, very blue collar.
I don't know past that. I'm not a big ancestry guy.
I mean, I got ancestors, I just don't...
I mean, I know my parents, I just don't go that far back.
Everybody else is into it.
All these Ancestry.com commercials.
Just some woman, "I thought my whole life I was Norwegian.
It turns out, I'm Chinese!"
[laughter]
Well, you should have known.
Frankly, I saw it right away. I could have told you.
You are not Norwegian.
"I used to wear lederhosen, now I gotta wear a kilt."
"You don't gotta wear anything, sir.
Pants, actually, that's an option, that's...
That's what they wear in Germanyand Ireland today.
You just wanna play dress up.
Let's not blame your ancestors on it."
[laughter]
I mean, the blue collar guys, they're more like,
you know, like, a lot of testosterone.
I don't know how much testosterone I have left.
[laughter]
I'm starting to get worried.
I listen to a lot of sports radio.
And that's the only people thatadvertise on sports radio,
the low testosterone clinics, you know.
"Do you have low T?"
"I don't know."
"Do you feel as good as you didwhen you were 24?"
"I don't feel as good as I did yesterday, to be real honest with you."
[laughter]
I thought that's the way the world worked.
You get a little worse every dayand then you die.
I didn't know.
It's a pretty serious medical procedure, by the way,
to inject your body with hormones.
If I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna go to a place
with a serious sounding name.
Preferably, with the word doctorat the front of it.
These places have, like, silly word play names.
Like, "Come on down to Mansanity!"
No, no, no, no, I'm not going there.
I'm not getting a transplant at Liverama Fun World either.
If I ever hear, "Hey, do you have high blood sugar?
You can't dia-beat these prices!" That's also...
"We have seven locations!
We are glu-glu-glu- glucose to you!
[laughter and applause]
I'm not a farm guy. I'm a suburb guy.
That's, uh, I'm a suburb guy.
You know, I thinka lot of people say the suburbsis like a soft life.
Like it's easy, it's not.
It's tough, there's a lot of tough stuff, um...
I had a problem at the Red Lobster the other day.
It was serious. I mean, here's what happened.
My waitress thought that I was poor.
I'm not, okay, I'm not.
I'm not rich. I'm not gonna stand up here
and brag to you guys about how much money I make,
but let's just say I can walk into a Red Lobster
and get... whatever, okay, like...
[laughter]
I'm making that kind of cash. Like, I'm pulling that down.
I'm not saying every day, but I'm saying two, three times
a month, I can walk in there and I'm not looking at the prices, okay.
And not just during Lobsterfest.I'm saying on a regular Tuesday.
I'm doing fine. And I was wearing
like my third best shirt. This is sixth.
I didn't look poor. Here's what happened.
I go, "I'll take the trout, and I want some asparagus."
She goes, "Oh, sir, asparagus is a premium side."
I was like, "What does that mean, it's real good?"
She goes, "No, it's extra." I was like, "How much?"
She goes, "$1.29" I was like,
"I can swing it, I mean...
I mean, I'm gonna have to call my guy, you know...
We're gonna have to move some stuff around.
Probably put off retirement for a couple years, but I want the asparagus.
As a matter of fact, I want three asparaguses
or three, three asparagi, is what I'm trying to say is I can spare-a-guy, okay?
I got plenty of guys.
I'm wanna keep the girls but, you know."
I don't like it when they tell you how many sides
you can have at the restaurant.
I went to this place and I go, "I'll take the salmon,
I want a baked potato, and I want--"
"Sir, you only get one side."
"I get however many sides I say I get.
I'm a grown man. All right, I decide the sides.
I'm the side decider.
I'll make it rain sides up in here.
I want all the sides.
I want 'em all twice.
Okay, I want a baked potato twice.
And I'm not talking about a twice baked potato.
I want two baked potatoes side by side.
I want a roast beef sandwich." "Sir, that's not a side."
"Well, then you put it on the side.
I call the shots!"
[cheering and applause]Yeah, yeah.
"I want rice pilaf!"
And between me and you guys, I--
I have no idea what rice pilaf is.
I went to five different restaurants and I ordered
rice pilaf and it was completelydifferent at every restaurant.
These pilaf farmers need to standardize their product.
I'll tell you that right now, like...
I Googled it. Very loose definition.
From what I can tell, rice pilaf is rice
with anything else you want to put in it.
Anything. You know how sometimes
you drop your phone in the toilet
and you gotta put it in rice to dry it out?
Technically, that's rice pilaf,okay, that...
That's a pilafian dish.
[laughter and applause]
So, yeah, man, the suburbs.
There's stuff that happens there, I, I...
And, uh, I had a problem at thisplace called First Watch.
It's a breakfast joint. You know, a tough place.
And, uh...
I go in there, and they're like,"It's a 20 minute wait."
I'm like, "Okay, I can handle it.
I'll do my time." You know, so...
I'm sitting in the chair, I'm reading the paper,
and I guess this woman came in after me and she had a baby.
And, you know, I didn't see her.
If I would've seen her I would have offered her my chair.
But I didn't see her.
So what she did,she just stood right next to me.
She starts talking to her baby.
But she's talking to me, all right, like,
"No, no, no, there's nowhere for us to sit down.
There's nowhere for us to sit down. There's nowhere for us--"
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't see you.
Here, you can have my chair." You know?
And then, you know, I stood right next to her.
I didn't have a baby, all right.
So I just started talking to my newspaper.
I was like, "Nah, nah, newspaper, we gotta give her the chair.
"No, the tactic she's using, that's called passive
"aggressive, newspaper. She's a gutless woman.
"And she is using her infant child in this charade.
She's miserable, I..."
[laughter]
I'm not afraid of an altercation.
The suburbs are crumbling, they are.
I saw this the other day. I saw a Domino's Pizza
being delivered to a McDonald's.
That's not supposed to happen, okay, like...
I get it, it was probably the kids that work at McDonald's
that got tired of eating hamburgers, like, "Let's order a pizza."
They should have told the guy to go around back.
He was in line at McDonald's holding a pizza.
It didn't look good. I mean, I get it, I get it.
Have you guys been to McDonald's lately?
Everybody that works there is a kid, everybody.
"I want to talk to your supervisor."
"We'll go get Mr. Smith." Mr. Smith's 15, all right.
"We would go get our district manager
"but his mom said he had too much homework.
He can't come to work until next Thursday."
[laughter]
Customer service is gone. It doesn't exist, right?
I mean, I just have a rule now.If I give you money,
you just say thank you, that's it.
You just say thank you, okay? And they don't do it.
They don't say thank you half the time.
I was in this place and I gave him, like, 300 bucks.
I paid 300 bucks for something and the girl goes,
"Hey, how did you hear about us?"
"It's none of your business how I heard about you.
Why don't you just be happy that I did hear about you?"
Next time that happensI'm just gonna make something up
to throw them off their little marketing research.
"How'd you hear about us?" "Well, I belong to
"a lot of hate groups and, uh..."
[laughter]
They told me I was supposed to shop here.
They said for every dollar I spend here, 68 cents
goes back to the hate group. All the hate groups.
Even my favorite hate group, The I Hate The People
That Ask "How'd You Hear About Us" Hate Group.
"How'd you hear about us?" "Japanese newspaper.
Full page ad in there."
"Sir, we don't advertise in Japan."
"Well, I saw what I saw. You should be grateful.
But that's not really your strong suit, is it?"
I had another, this is probablylike the, you know,
the, uh, toughest issue, um...
I'll give you some background, okay?
So, my favorite snack is mixed nuts.
I like mixed nuts and, like,
When I eat mixed nuts, I don't have nine mixed nuts.
I eat as many mixed nuts as I can
until I'm very uncomfortable,
and then I have eleven more handfuls of mixed nuts, like, that's...
So, I go to this, you know, I go...
I was in the hotel, and I go to the gift shop.
I'm hungry, real hungry. And I see these, uh,
I don't even see the whole package.
I just read the "Mi" and the "uts," all right?
I'm like, "I want it." It looks like a good package.
Experienced nut mixers or whatever, so I get it.
I don't even look at it.I pay for it, don't look at it.
I go up to the room, I don't even look at it.
I start eating it. I'm watching TV,
and I'm just shoving handfuls in my mouth.
And there's nuts in there, fine.
But there's pistachios in there, fine.
But they have shells on them. The pistachios have shells
on them and the rest of the mixed nuts do not
have shells on them. That's wrong, isn't it?
That's, that's dangerous! Like, "Hey, thanks!
Could you also put some toy Armymen legs in those mixed nuts?"
That's a crime! And the thing is, like,
it really bothers me 'cause they're lazy. They are so lazy.
Everybody knows pistachios, that's the easiest nut
to take the shell off of. I mean, they hatch.
Like, they hatch. Like, they hatch.
Nature does 83 percent of the work for you.
You just flick it and they're open.
I could understand if it's a walnut.
You ever try to take a walnut shell off? It's hard.
Like, when you eat 'em at Christmas time.
By the time you get one off, it's Valentine's Day, like, that...
[laughter]
Yeah, I um...
You can tell I'm kind of a complainer, you know?
[laughter]
I'm also lazy.
I'm too lazy to be a farmer.
I know that, like...
I mean, you say what you want about the farmers, they work.
Like, they, they work, just...
Just look at what they make their kids do.
You ever heard a farm kid talk about his chores?
When I was a kid, if I said I did my chores,
that meant I rolled, rolled,
the garbage cans down the driveway
on Tuesday and my brother did it on Thursday.
And if I didn't do my chores I got grounded.
If a farm kid doesn't do his chores,
the bank forecloses on the family's farm.
The stakes are high over there, man.
[laughter]
So, yeah, man, I'm uh, I'm lazy.
Here's how lazy I am. I was at the airport
the other day and my shoe was untied and I was like,
"I'm not feeling it."
[laughter]
And I passed the shoe shine guyand he goes, "Shine 'em up?"
I was like, "How much to tie 'em?"
It was three dollars per pair. I mean, only one was untied,
but I was like, "Hey, as long as I'm paying you the three,
like, untie that one and retie it.
This is a, we had a deal and...
This is how lazy I am. I was on Facebook
and my friend Dort posted,
"I ran a half marathon."
And I posted, "Congrats."
She ran 13 miles and I was too lazy
to write "ulations."
[laughter]
We're all lazy though, it's just, I mean, we're all lazy.
Walk around your house, "Alexa, turn on the lights!"
"Alexa, turn off the lights!"
"Alexa, turn on the stove."
You know it took me three weeksto realize in order
for that to work,you have to have Alexa, like...
[laughter]
But the laziness is not all my fault.
Like, uh, I got some, some problems.
I got some physical limitations.I got plantar fasciitis.
[scattered chuckling]
That's not funny, like, that's not funny, that's...
It's a serious disease, okay? It's, it's not funny.
It hurts. Okay, my foot hurts.
And I've been dealing with it for awhile.
So I go to the doctor and theytell me, "You want to just roll
your foot over a rolling pin."
That's their advice, roll your foot over a rolling pin.
So I tried it for a while, went back, I was like,
"It doesn't work."They're like, "Yeah, definitelymore rolling pin."
So, I did it. By the way,
you don't want to eat homemade cookies at my house.
[laughter]
So, I'm just rolling my footover a rolling pin all the time.
And I finally, like after nine months,
I went back, like, "It's not working ."
They go, "Ah, triple up the rolling."
I'm like, "I want an MRI." And they're like, "Ehh."
You have to be really, really angry to get those things
with the way the insurance works, so I go,
"I want an MRI now or I'm burning this office down!"
"Okay, sir, that's what we were looking for.
You can have the MRI. No problem, no problem."
And by the way, like, the MRI,I don't know if you've had one,
but whoever invented that machine,
that is a sick person.
Here's how I think the meeting went.
They were like, "All right, we got this new machine.
Now, the people that are gonna be using it,
they're gonna be injured so they'll be nervous.
They're also gonna be claustrophobic because
we are shoving them in a tube.
So, the way we should put them at ease is to make this thing
sound like they're being riddledwith machine gun fire.
You're in there,
it's quiet, then you hear,
[mimicking machine gun fire]
"How you doing in there?" "I think I'm hit!"
[laughter]
Then they have the gall to say,"Don't move."
"While they're shooting at me?
You want me to go ahead and stand still for you?"
It's a real calming noise, isn't it?
[mimicking machine gun]
Their second choice was
[bomb descending...]
[exploding]
I had the MRI. And then also, uh...
Also, I had to get some blood taken, which...
I don't like needles. Like, I hate 'em.
To make matters worse,
the blood sticker guy...
you know, that guy, he, uh,
he started using poor grammar.
He goes, "This ain't gonna hurt."
I was like, "Oh, no. No-no-no, no-no-no.
We're not doing that, all right?
We're not, we're not, no, no, we're not...
You can't use poor grammar and do medical stuff to somebody.
Because if he says, "This ain't gonna hurt."
I'm thinking, well, he may ain't not know the difference
between a vein and an artery, all right?
He may ain't have remembered to wash the diseased blood
out of that syringe before he stuck it inside of me.
We're not doing this, okay. We're not doing this.
And it's not his fault. The guy was probably good
in school in science and bad in English.
But I don't care, man. It's a confidence thing.
Like, if you want your kid to be a doctor,
you make sure they do well in science and English .
And if for some reason your kidcannot do well in English,
teach them a foreign accent, all right?
Like, 'cause we all know...
If the doctor's, like, "Me not know the, uh,
how you say, how you say, how you say?"
"Oh, that guy's a genius! You do whatever you gotta do, Doc!
"I went to college with you foreign guys.
"You were always in the librarywhen I was drunk.
"You do what you gotta do, man.
"I trust you.
Your poor grammar equals high MCAT score."
Here's the thing, like, it's just medicine.
Like, I'm not a snob. If you wanna fix my car,
I don't care if you use poor grammar.
Matter of fact, I'd prefer you did.
If the mechanic's, like, "That there transmission ain't
never ever gonna work again." I'm like, well,
I guess I need a new transmission.
Obviously, this guy knows what he's talking about.
He's butchering the English language.
He's probably at the top of his field.
"I better not no wait no more longer
for this no more." No, huh?
I walked by a construction site the other day,
I heard 37 swear words in under a minute.
I was like, that is gonna be a sturdy building.
[laughter]
You ever walk by a constructionsite and hear somebody say
"darn it" or "shoot," that thing's coming down!
What I'm trying to say is education is important.
But we all have different levels of education.
You know, that's fine, it makes us more interesting.
But you got to know who you're talking to.
I met this lady recently, we were at the grocery store.
She was really nice. We start talking in line.
She goes, "Yeah, my doctor says
I need to start reading labels."She had kids.
She goes, "If I can't pronounceone of the ingredients
on that label, he said I shouldnot feed that item to my child."
I was like, "That's pretty good advice
depending on your level of education."
If the mom's like, "Ma-ma-ma-ma!"
I guess that kid's not getting milk, all right.
[laughter]
Doesn't seem fair.
"I can't feed my child ma-leek!"
[laughter]
Education's important, you know.I'm educated.
I, uh, I graduated college. I got a degree in journalism.
And, uh, very quickly got a job as a busboy at Denny's.
[laughter]I did, I did, yeah.
I was a, yeah, I was a waiter before I went to college
and I came out a busboy.
If I would've gone to grad school,
I am pretty sure I could have made dish washer.
I think I could have done it.
I'm college educated, but a lotof times you wouldn't know it.
I have done some really dumb stuff.
Like, lately, this summer. I started the summer off dumb.
I can't top it. Here's what happened.
I was at my brother's house. And there was like a,
there was like a barbecue there.He had all his friends there.
And everybody was inside. And I walked outside and there
was some bug spray on the picnic table, and I started spraying myself.
And my sister-in-law walked out,she goes, "What are you doing?"
I'm like, "I'm putting bug spray on, Kelly."
She goes, "No!"I'm like, "I'll pay for my part
of the bug spray if it's a problem, Kelly."
She goes, "That's not bug spray."
I'm like, "What is it?" She goes, "That's the fogger."
And I'm like, "What's the fogger?"
If you, if you guys don't know what the fogger is,
it's this thing where like one person puts on a hazmat suit,
they evacuate the area, they spray the back lawn
with the fogger, and then bugs die for a 55-mile radius.
I-- I put it on my face, all right, like...
A lot got in my mouth. So, I have six months to live.
The good news is, those six months will be insect-free.
No bugs will come anywhere near me.
Orkin hired me.
I just go to people's houses now,
and I sit down, and all the bugs die, I...
I killed a cat. I didn't mean to.
It... it jumped in my lap. I didn't--
I don't know how I'm gonna top that this summer.
Maybe eat a citronella candle.
Here's the thing. I should've known,
'cause I remember, like, right before I sprayed myself,
I remember looking at the bug spray and I was like,
that doesn't look like a normal bug spray... can.
It looked-- the spout looks too wide.
It looks-- it looks like an air horn.
And at that point, I should've read the label.
I was like, no, it's probably like a half air horn,
half bug spray product.
Something you would use at an outdoor sporting event.
You know, like, you know, like...
[imitating aerosol spray and air horn blowing]
[imitates air horn blowing]
That's the dumbest thing I've done.
Now, the dumbest thing I said...
I was at my friend's house and I was in the bathroom,
and there was this painting in the bathroom,
and in the bottom left-hand corner
it had these pencil markings.
It said, "23/100."
That means that's the 23rd printthat they made of that painting
in a series of 100.
The people at the party had to tell me that
'cause I walked outside and I said,
"Hey, I like that painting in your bathroom.
"I don't know why the teacher gave that guy 23 out of 100.
"I would've given him like a 98.
"I mean, yeah, sure, the sun is off center,
but you don't take off 77 pointsfor something like that."
I've done some dumb stuff.
I bought a $55 umbrella.
Hear me out.
It was raining and...
you know, I went into this store, and I was like,
I want that one. It was 11 bucks.
And the sales guy... was good.
Like, he was really good.
Like, he started showing me all these features
on the $55 umbrella.
I was like, wow, there have beena lot of advances
in umbrella technology.
And I got it home and I was like,
there have been no advances in umbrella technology.
Those weren't features. Like, they all open.
Um... that's bad.
'Cause if I ever do wind up destitute,
I know my friends. That'll be the example.
Like, "Hey, what happened to Warren?
I heard he was homeless." "Well, the guy was buying
$55 umbrellas. I saw it coming."
I'm not good with money. I'm just not.
I'm not good with money. I mean, I made a bunch.
I just-- I used it.
I-I used it all, and I guess you're not supposed to.
And... and I think I have a face
that looks likeI'm more responsible than I am,
'cause when I tell people that, they're like,
"Well, you saved some." I'm like, I didn't.
They're like, "Well, you still have your retirement
from when you worked at Proctor & Gamble."
I'm like, I cashed that out. They're like,
"If you cashed that out, there are some serious penalties."
I'm like, you're telling me. Like extremely serious.
Really, I mean, unnecessarily serious.
Draconian, really, um...
And then they start yelling at me
about compounding interest, which-- I don't know.
If I would've known about it,
I probably would've compounded some,
but I didn't know about it.
"Hey, Greg, you don't understandcompounding interest.
"You gotta start saving when you're young,
"'cause you get interest, then you get interest
"on the interest, then you get interest on that interest
that you got interest on." It's like, "Greg!
You gotta understand the math!"
I'm like, well, Marty, you gottaunderstand the physics.
I can't go back and do that, all right?
I'm... I'm 50! I'm 50!
You know what's compounding right now?
The consequencesfrom my poor decisions in life!
They're piling up.
[cheering and applause]
Yeah.
There's no time travel.
If there was time travel...
I wouldn't make the best use of it.
This is how I would use time travel.
I shouldn't have eaten that.
Then I, like, go back like 13 minutes
to before I ate it.
And then I would eat it again.
Then I would go back like13 minutes to before I ate it...
and then I would-- I would live in a loop.
I would live in a 13-minute loop.
I would experience 13 minutes of time.
My friends would be like,
"Greg, we went to the Middle Ages."
I'd be like, I went to Pizza Hut again.
And here's the thing. Like, I--
When I drive around at night,
I listen to these financial radio shows.
That's-- I don't-- I don't have any financials.
I don't know why I do. And they're all the same.
It's some guy talking to somebody young.
"Hey, you're, uh, you're 26.
"You know, you just gotta get in the habit of saving.
"You're fine now,just get in the habit of saving.
"You get in the habit of saving.
What you don't wanna do is wait until you're 50."
And then the guy goes on to pretty much describe--
I mean, short of saying my name,he is talking about me.
I'm like, I know you're talking about me, man!
Just say my name! Go ahead!
Everybody knows you're talking about me!
I'm the bad example.
You remember when we were in high school
and they wanted to scare us about DUIs?
So they put that smashed-up carin the parking lot.
They're like,"You wanna wind up like that?!"
I'm the car. I'm the car.
And that's how I'm gonna makea lot of money when I get older.
I'm gonna start renting myself out...
as the bad example to financial advisors.
Yeah, yeah, they're gonna be in like a meeting where
they're gonna be like, "Hey, you guys are a young couple.
"You just got married. Now, you're doing fine.
"You just-- you gotta start saving or...
"Greg, come on in here for a second.
Show 'em the umbrella."
[laughter and applause]
I don't know what I did with the money.
I mean, I-I-I lost a lot of phone chargers.
I did.
I did accidentally buy some
of those organic walnuts one time.
That set me back about 585,000.
That was--
Honestly, you know, a big part of it is,
it's the blue-collar stuff.
I can't fix anything, so I gottahire guys to fix stuff.
So, when they come over to my house,
like, I-I don't think they're being fair.
Like... hey, man, how much is it
to put the screen door back on the tracks there?
"That's 4,000, Greg."
Okay, thank-- that sounds fair.
The last guy charged me 5,000, so I appreciate you
not taking advantage of me.
All those guys, they're all dirtbags,
the guys that work on your house.
Like, they're liars. They are.
Contractors, repairmen, uh,
plumbers, tile guys, everything.
I've noticed this about those guys, every one of 'em,
they're always very, very disappointed
in the work of the previous guy.
They cannot believe how horribleof a job that guy did.
It just baffles 'em. "I tell you what, Mr. Warren.
"I've been in this business for 96 years,
"and I never seen anything like that before.
"I don't know-- I don't know who this joker you hired--
"You probably got him in the circus.
"I mean, that guy-- wow!
He laid in a 55-47. Should've been a 3-C!"
I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Just tell me what-- did he use poor craftsmanship?
"There's no craftsman on this ship, Mr. Warren.
"I can assure you that. I mean, honestly,
"this makes me mad, Mr. Warren.Listen, I'd like to punch
"this guy in the face. I mean, did you have
"a personal beef with him? I've been in the business
"for 196 years and it just makes me sick
to think that a guy like--" Just stop it!
Just tell me what's wrong. W-W-W-What is it?
Like, did he use the wrong materials?
"I don't know what materials he did use, Mr. Warren.
"That right there, now that looks like, um,
"that's birthday cake frosting right there.
"All right, maybe, maybe this fella thought
"he was baking a birthday cake,you know?
"Don't worry, Mr. Warren. We're gonna get you fixed up.
"Now we are probably gonna haveto tear down your whole house,
"and, uh, tear down the neighbor's house too,
but, uh, you know..."
It's just my bathroom! "Nah, nah.
"This guy really put it to you.
"It's probably gonna cost you about 1.7 million,
"1.9 million.
"Now, if you wouldn't have hired him,
"it'd have been $7, but I can't do anything
about it, Mr. Warren."
Just dirtbags, right? Yeah.
So I think we can agree, um, I'm not a laborer.
Or a farmer.
I'll tell you what I do do for a living.
Travel.
It's tougher.
It's harder than all the other stuff.
It is harder than ironworking or ironing or whatever.
I mean, there's a lot of stuff you guys don't know about.
You ever had an out-of-town haircut?
Terrifying.
'Cause sometimes, you know--
You guys probably just go to the same person.
Sometimes I'm gone for eight weeks.
I just gotta walk into this place
that I have never been before and say,
hey, can somebody cut my hair?
When you do that, they're not--
you're not getting their best people.
They're-- they got appointmentslined up for the day.
They're like, "Uh, I guess Tammycan take care of you."
Tammy's like, "I get to do it! I get to do it!"
Tammy has never cut a head of hair in her life.
I'm just sittin' there in the chair, terrified.
Tammy's trying to make small talk with me.
"So, where are you from?" No offense, Tammy.
But I need you focused, all right?
"What are your hobbies?"From the looks of this haircut,
they're gonna be indoor hobbies for the next six weeks.
The travel is like-- the travel's tough, man.
It's tough. It's, uh, it's really tough.
It's, uh-- I mean, I travel on the weekends.
And I stay in hotels. That's fortunate.
I'm lucky. You know, a lot of times they're nice.
But that's when the groups are in the hotels.
The-- you know the groups, like the soccer kids.
I-I hate 'em. I hate 'em.
They just take over the hotel.
It's like they think they own the place.
They put signs up on all the doors.
"Good luck, Connor." "Good luck, Charlie."
"Good luck, Lincoln." [stammering]
I came home one night late-- and this really happened--
from a show, and they accidentally put a sign up
on my door that said, "Good luck, Coach."
For about 6 seconds, I was like,
did I agree to coach a soccer team?
What I did do is I posted a cut list on my door.
It said, "The following team members,
"turn in your uniforms...
"and leave the hotel immediately.
Connor, Charlie, Lincoln."
I knew all their names 'cause they were on the door, right?
You're all bad at soccer. Go home.
Find a new activity. Preferably one
that does not involve travel.
Man, I was in a hotel on a weekend
and there was a farm group there.
Yeah, the junior farmers.
You guys know about these guys?
The FFA?[man] Whoo!
Yeah, you know the FFA?
Yeah, the Future Farmers of America.
The-- yeah, the Future Farm--
I was in Indianapolis.
There were 50,000 future farmers there.
There's not that many futures in farming, okay?
They're lying to these kids. Some of 'em are gonna be
future Walgreen workers of America.
Like... and they all wear the same blue corduroy coat.
They got their name on the front
and their-- you know, their town on the back.
And it's just-- those are the same coats
they wore when I was in high school.
Come on, FFA. Arby's gets new uniforms
every two years.
I think the guy that founded FFA
grossly overestimated how popular it was gonna be
and made a volume deal on those coats.
"Eh, you knock a nickel offeach coat, I'll take 7 million."
"Can we get new coats?" "I'm still sittin' on
6.98 million. It's, uh..."
But I wanna say this about the FFA kids.
Like, they're the nicest kids you will ever meet.
For teenagers, they are-- yes.[applause]
They are-- yeah.
They are the nicest kids.
But, um... there's too many of 'em, okay?
There's too many of 'em. They clogged up the hotel.
The whole hotel was just corduroy.
Just... [imitating corduroy rubbing]
[continues imitating corduroy rubbing]
Just why do you have to stay in a hotel?
You're a farmer! Sleep outside!
I had to wait for an elevator for 30 minutes practically.
I'm like, it's not a grain elevator!
What are you loading, wheat up there?
I came downstairs to get my Starbucks the next morning.
There was like 50 farm kids in front of me,
just taking their time. I'm like,
they don't make corn lattes there, bean-picker junior!
Pick something!
Wrong choice of words with you guys.
"Select something." Uh...
[laughter]
You know, people ask me what the travel is like.
You know, "You travel, do you, uh, do you go on vacation?
'Cause you travel all the time."Like I do.
I like my vacation spots a little trashy, though.
I like 'em trashy, I do.
Like you ever heard a rich person bragging about their spot?
"Oh, it's a beautiful island. It's completely untouched."
I'm like, well... touch it.
That's why I go to Myrtle Beach.
Let me tell you something, they touched that place.
They touched it hard. They touched it,
and they just kept on touching it.
And they touched it--Like there's more go-kart tracks
there than there is sand, and I like it.
I like it, but I don't thinkthey understand their clientele
'cause I was there and like this one lady at the hotel
was like, "We have 24 water amenities on our property."
I was like, what is a water amenity?
You talkin' about like a drinking fountain?
There's no like pools and slides and the lazy river.
I was like, well, you should usethose terms with these people.
Like, I'm... I'm not trying to stereotype,
but that guy right there, he's got nine kids
under the age of 12 and they're all wearing
different liquor brand T-shirts.
Like he's not gonna get "amenity."
[mimics hillbilly accent] "I don't wanna go to a-menity.
"That don't sound like fun at all.
"I'm supposed to be on vacation.
"You don't make me go to a-menity.
"I don't wanna go to a-menity. I went to church on Sunday.
"I said four 'Hail Marys' and five a-menities.
And I ain't gonna say it again."
No, sir, it's another word for waterslide.
"Then why didn't you call it a waterslide?
"This is a trick. It's gonna be like that time
they told me I won free ticketsto Molly Hatchet,
"and I showed up and I had warrants.
"I ain't gonna fall for it. I ain't gonna fall for it.
"You can fool me once, well, twice.
"They got me with the Statler Brothers too,
but I shoulda known better on that one, I think."
[laughter]
I actually, I went on one...
one trip that wasn't trashy, one vacation spot.
It was Bermuda.
Yeah, you should go. It's beautiful.
It's also the shipwreck capital of the world.
I guess like 500 years ago, there was some pretty bad
ship drivers down there,
and they all just, they were hittin' stuff, you know?
And, and they all sank, and they're still down there.
You can just swim around and look at 'em,
and I did, but I felt guilty.
You know, like I'm on vacation,
look at the worst mistake somebody made in their life.
I mean, I made a lot of mistakesin my life, you know, I...
I totaled my dad's car when I was in high school.
And I got grounded, but...
they didn't turn it into a tourist destination.
If they did, I know who the tour guide would be--
my dad.
The whole tour would be just him
telling everybody about his insurance rates.
"They more than doubled, the rates more than doubled!
You had to multiply it times two."
Then you go, Jerry, I think they know what doubled...
Colleen, I told you, this is my tour.
You wanna run a tour, you run your own tour.
Where was it? Yeah, yeah, rates more than doubled.
Then two weeks later, his idiot brother
wrecks another one of my cars.
Garry Lake calls me, he's beenmy insurance agent for 40 years.
He said, "Jerry, we gotta drop you.
You understand me? Drop you!"
I had the same guy for 40...
Jerry, I think they know what it means to be dropped.
Colleen, I told you this is my tour!
Not like you never made any mistakes in your life.
I made two mistakes in my life,
and neither one of those idiots can drive!
[laughter and applause]
I don't wanna keep coming back to this, but...
there's gotta be at least onegreen bean plant in Iowa, right?
Like these guys, they act like they never
have heard of that vegetable.
It's a very popular ve-- I-- I looked it up.
You know what the number-one green bean-producing state is?
Wisconsin. That touches Iowa.
They've heard of it. They're neighbors.
I live in Missouri. We touch Illinois.
I've heard of Abraham Lincoln, okay?
[laughter]
We also touch Kansas. I've heard of the band Kansas.
Here's the thing, man, I-I-- through all this,
I have learned some respect for farmers.
I couldn't do it. I mean, I havea plastic plant at my house.
I've learned a lot, though. I really have.
I said I travel. Lately, I-I travel
and then I try to go see a farm.
I've been to like five or six farms,
and I have learned some stuff.
I've learned some pretty cool stuff.
I learned about, uh, it's not just field and sweet,
there's seed corn.
Now, the seed corn farmers, they just,
they do this thing called detasseling, okay?
What they do is, every year, right around August,
they go up and down all the cornrows,
and they have to snip off the male part of the corn,
the tassel, and they have to get 99.7% of these tassels
or it doesn't work.
And to perform this very precise operation,
they hire teenagers and ex-convicts,
two groups not known for makingany mistakes in their lives.
I swear to you, they do it. They send their kids
out under the corn fields on a school bus
with convicted felons.
What could go wrong? "How was it, son?"
"It was great, Dad. One-Eyed Pete showed us
"how to make a shiv out of a corncob.
"He shanked the bus driver. I think he's going
back to the joint to do another nickel-dime stretch."
[laughter]
And I learned-- I came over here to Illinois,
and a guy taught me about cover crops.
Now, cover crops,that's a thing, sometimes they--
they just plant stuff and they don't use it.
They just use it to make the ground healthier.
They just till it underneath the ground.
That's awesome.
I mean, if I was a farmer,
built-in excuse, right, for a bad crop.
"Greg, your cantaloupes look terrible."
"Those are 'coverloupes.'"
[laughter]
"All your crops look terrible."
"They're all cover crops this year."
"You didn't say anything about that during the spring."
"That's 'cause they're undercover crops."
[laughter and applause]
So I appreciate the farmers.
But I mean, farmers, we do stuff for you guys, too.
I mean, we eat a lot of your stuff, but...
aside from that, we do stuff.
Daylight savings time...
[scattered laughter]
...you're welcome, okay? 'Cause...
that's a hardship for us.
'Cause in the Midwest, you know,it gets dark in December
at about 3:45, and we're all sad.
We're all depressed.
You know, we're all borderline suicidal.
We all have seasonal effectiveness disorder
which should be called farmer's disease and...
we do that so the farmers can have a couple extra hours
to plant stuff in the summer, and that's fine, that's fine.
But... they better be using it, all right?
Like I'm... I'm driving bysome of these farms this summer,
and if it's light out and they're not out there,
I'm knockin' on some doors, okay?
Hey, hey, hey, we weren't all sad for six months
so you can sit insideand watch "Hee Haw," all right?
You get out there and you farm something.
Half the country's on Zoloft because of you guys.
And... I went back.
I went back to Iowa.
I went to a soybean farm.
Face-to-face with the bean pickers.
And I met a soybean farmer,
and he told me about crop rotation.
So I guess you can't plant the same crop
on the same piece of land two seasons in a row.
And... they take it seriously.
He's like, oh, you don't go bean-on-bean.
You don't do it. You do not go bean-on-bean.
You can't go bean-on-bean. That's just-- it's not right.
It's not farming. You don't go bean-on-bean.
You don't-- you don't do that. It's not-- it's not farming.
I'm like, does anybody? Pssh...
Elmer down the road, bean on bean on bean on bean.
It's a disgrace. It's not farming, okay?
It's an embarrassment to the community,
I'll tell you that.
Guy probably didn't rotate his tires
or his undershirts either.
And then they told me about soybeans.
Like I didn't know all this stuff.
They just-- they-- I justthought you eat 'em or whatever.
They make a lot of stuff. Ink, a lot of ink
comes from soybeans, did you know that?
A lot of the ink you use comes from soybeans.
And it makes a lot of sense.
You ever been writing with a pen
and it runs out of ink way before the other pens?
That's bean-on-bean ink right there.
Like that's...[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
[cheering and applause]
âªâªThank you.
[music continues]
I farm with corn and soybeans and a little hay.
We had a couple of male cows, chickens.
Soybeans, corn, and five chickens.
Hogs.
Beans and corn.
Beef cows.
Try to get out early
and get a little corn planted, some soybeans.
Do a little wheat.
We farm corn and soybeans.
Corn and beans.
Corn and soybeans.
We raise corn and beans...
and a big garden.
I-I don't think Greg Warren knows anything about farming.
I hope he's funny. I left the farm for him.
I just hope he's funny.
I hope he's as funny as Larry the Cable Man.
[laughs] He definitely doesn't know
what he's talking about.
[engine sputtering]
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