WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:27.096 --> 00:00:29.753 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Warren! 4 00:00:29.788 --> 00:00:32.756 [cheering and applause] 5 00:00:32.791 --> 00:00:35.966 [Greg Warren] Hey, thank you. 6 00:00:36.001 --> 00:00:37.934 That's great. 7 00:00:37.968 --> 00:00:42.663 So, this thing all started a while ago. 8 00:00:42.697 --> 00:00:46.253 I was in Iowa. And I was doing a show. 9 00:00:46.287 --> 00:00:50.291 And there was a bunch of farmersin the crowd and... 10 00:00:50.326 --> 00:00:51.810 I don't know anything about farming. 11 00:00:51.844 --> 00:00:53.674 So, I asked this guy, I go, "What do you farm?" 12 00:00:53.708 --> 00:00:58.334 He goes, "Beans." And I said, 13 00:00:58.368 --> 00:01:01.854 "Like, green beans?" 14 00:01:01.889 --> 00:01:03.960 And they all started laughing at me 15 00:01:03.994 --> 00:01:05.962 like I was the dumbest person they'd ever met. 16 00:01:05.996 --> 00:01:08.102 "He thinks we grow green beans in Iowa! 17 00:01:08.137 --> 00:01:11.657 "Oh, that's a good one there, green bean! 18 00:01:11.692 --> 00:01:13.418 "Green beans in Iowa, don't that beat all! 19 00:01:13.452 --> 00:01:15.144 This fella is a comedian, I'll tell you!" 20 00:01:15.178 --> 00:01:18.181 It was soybeans, all right, it was soybeans, I... 21 00:01:18.216 --> 00:01:20.114 I didn't know, I didn't know. By the way, green beans. 22 00:01:20.149 --> 00:01:23.013 That's not that ridiculous of an answer. 23 00:01:23.048 --> 00:01:25.671 That's a real food. I've eaten them before. 24 00:01:25.706 --> 00:01:29.572 I didn't say jelly beans, okay.I said... 25 00:01:29.606 --> 00:01:31.056 I said a legitimate vegetable. 26 00:01:31.091 --> 00:01:32.437 I don't know what the plants look like. 27 00:01:32.471 --> 00:01:36.372 I mean, I know corn. Like, I, I know corn. 28 00:01:36.406 --> 00:01:40.755 Like, I-- I could pick corn out of a lineup, but... 29 00:01:40.790 --> 00:01:42.895 Past that, I'm not gonna lie to you guys, I get confused. 30 00:01:42.930 --> 00:01:44.897 I'm like, "Is that a potato tree?" 31 00:01:44.932 --> 00:01:48.556 I can't tell. I'm not sure. 32 00:01:48.591 --> 00:01:50.524 You should be nice to peoplewhen they don't know something. 33 00:01:50.558 --> 00:01:52.146 That's how I was brought up. 34 00:01:52.181 --> 00:01:54.907 You know, I live in the suburbs of St. Louis. 35 00:01:54.942 --> 00:01:58.359 I hope one of those farm guys comes to the suburbs sometime. 36 00:01:58.394 --> 00:02:02.018 Maybe I won't be so nice to him.I'll take him to do like some, 37 00:02:02.052 --> 00:02:06.091 you know, suburb stuff or whatever, I... 38 00:02:06.126 --> 00:02:07.851 I'll take him to the Texas Roadhouse. 39 00:02:07.886 --> 00:02:10.164 He won't know what to do there. 40 00:02:10.199 --> 00:02:12.166 "Where's the bowl for the peanut shells?" 41 00:02:12.201 --> 00:02:13.926 "You throw 'em on the floor, dummy! 42 00:02:13.961 --> 00:02:16.066 Ha! Ha! Ha!" 43 00:02:16.101 --> 00:02:20.416 "You don't know what to do in the suburbs, you stupid bean picker!" 44 00:02:20.450 --> 00:02:22.763 I'll take him to Starbucks. "I'll take a large coffee." 45 00:02:22.797 --> 00:02:26.318 "It's called Venti here. Venti, dirt digger! 46 00:02:26.353 --> 00:02:27.664 "Don't be ordering beans either. 47 00:02:27.699 --> 00:02:30.011 "They got beans here, but they're coffee beans. 48 00:02:30.046 --> 00:02:34.188 Arabica, Robusta. No soy!" 49 00:02:34.223 --> 00:02:36.017 Then the barista will be like, "Well, technically, 50 00:02:36.052 --> 00:02:38.192 we have soybeans in soy lattes." 51 00:02:38.227 --> 00:02:40.298 And I'll be like, "You shut your mouth, hippie. 52 00:02:40.332 --> 00:02:43.611 "All right, you don't take sidesagainst your own kind. 53 00:02:43.646 --> 00:02:45.406 We're on the same team." 54 00:02:45.441 --> 00:02:48.789 [audience laughter] 55 00:02:48.823 --> 00:02:52.931 So, I told that story later 56 00:02:52.965 --> 00:02:55.209 and this lady came up to me after the show. 57 00:02:55.244 --> 00:02:57.453 She goes, "Hey, I'm a farmer." 58 00:02:57.487 --> 00:03:00.525 She goes, "Don't feel bad about the beans." 59 00:03:00.559 --> 00:03:02.596 She goes, "I met this guy the other day. 60 00:03:02.630 --> 00:03:05.737 He didn't know the difference between field corn 61 00:03:05.771 --> 00:03:08.222 and sweet corn." 62 00:03:08.257 --> 00:03:11.743 [audience laughter] 63 00:03:11.777 --> 00:03:14.780 [scattered applause] 64 00:03:14.815 --> 00:03:18.819 [nervous laugh] 65 00:03:18.853 --> 00:03:21.925 "What a dummy! 66 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:24.307 "You know how earlier when I said I know corn? 67 00:03:24.342 --> 00:03:27.241 I... I don't." 68 00:03:27.276 --> 00:03:28.622 They're like, "There's two different kinds." 69 00:03:28.656 --> 00:03:31.832 I'm like, "Yeah, on the cob and... 70 00:03:31.866 --> 00:03:35.525 not on the cob." They're like, "No, it's field and sweet." 71 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:38.632 I'm like, "Oh, sweet. You're talking about kettle corn, I've had it, yeah." 72 00:03:41.393 --> 00:03:43.878 So, if you don't know the difference 73 00:03:43.913 --> 00:03:47.261 between field corn and sweet corn, field corn, 74 00:03:47.296 --> 00:03:49.746 that's what they grind up and they feed to the animals 75 00:03:49.781 --> 00:03:51.921 and sweet corn, that's what we eat. 76 00:03:51.955 --> 00:03:54.958 And once they explain it, it's very easy to remember 77 00:03:54.993 --> 00:03:58.893 because field corn is grown in a field. 78 00:03:58.928 --> 00:04:01.137 Whereas sweet corn is grown in a field. 79 00:04:01.171 --> 00:04:05.279 So, you can see these farmers make it real easy 80 00:04:05.314 --> 00:04:08.144 to understand their stock. 81 00:04:08.178 --> 00:04:11.458 When I was in Iowa, I went to the restaurant, 82 00:04:11.492 --> 00:04:13.908 and on the front page of the menu it said, uh, 83 00:04:13.943 --> 00:04:17.187 "We make our own ketchups." 84 00:04:17.222 --> 00:04:20.363 They were bragging about their homemade ketchup. 85 00:04:20.398 --> 00:04:24.160 Honestly, I'm not sure that I knew ketchup was made. 86 00:04:24.194 --> 00:04:27.784 I think... I think I thought that was an element. 87 00:04:27.819 --> 00:04:31.305 I thought that was K on the periodic table. 88 00:04:31.340 --> 00:04:33.652 It turns out that's potassium, which makes no sense at all. 89 00:04:33.687 --> 00:04:35.689 There's not even a K in that word. 90 00:04:35.723 --> 00:04:38.623 What, now you're gonna tell me R-N is not for Ranch Dressing? 91 00:04:38.657 --> 00:04:42.040 Why don't you take a science class? 92 00:04:42.074 --> 00:04:45.215 I tried one of their homemade ketchups, it was not good. 93 00:04:45.250 --> 00:04:49.323 Now, granted, I think it was field ketchup, but... 94 00:04:49.358 --> 00:04:52.706 [laughter, scattered applause] 95 00:04:55.053 --> 00:04:57.538 So... [chuckling] 96 00:04:57.573 --> 00:05:00.300 I, yeah, I don't know a lot about farming, 97 00:05:00.334 --> 00:05:02.992 I guess you can see, I mean... 98 00:05:03.026 --> 00:05:05.650 The closest thing that I do to farming on a regular basis 99 00:05:05.684 --> 00:05:08.100 is sometimes when I'm at the grocery store, 100 00:05:08.135 --> 00:05:11.380 I'll buy stuff out of the bulk bins. 101 00:05:11.414 --> 00:05:13.934 [scattered chuckling] 102 00:05:13.968 --> 00:05:15.660 I'm not saying it's as hard as farming, 103 00:05:15.694 --> 00:05:17.731 I'm just saying there's a lot of similarities. 104 00:05:17.765 --> 00:05:21.873 You gotta shovel out the walnuts, you know... 105 00:05:21.907 --> 00:05:23.357 You gotta put the walnuts in a bag. 106 00:05:23.392 --> 00:05:25.048 You gotta weigh the bag. 107 00:05:25.083 --> 00:05:27.844 Farmers are always weighing stuff, you gotta... 108 00:05:27.879 --> 00:05:29.743 You gotta write the POU code number on the bag. 109 00:05:29.777 --> 00:05:31.365 A lot of times there's not even a pen 110 00:05:31.400 --> 00:05:33.471 to write that POU code number on the bag. 111 00:05:33.505 --> 00:05:34.989 So you take it up to the register. 112 00:05:35.024 --> 00:05:37.129 The lady's like, "You're supposed to write the code number on the bag!" 113 00:05:37.164 --> 00:05:38.683 I'm like, "Lady, there's not a pen 114 00:05:38.717 --> 00:05:39.994 to write that code number." 115 00:05:40.029 --> 00:05:42.100 Honestly, now that I think about it, it's probably 116 00:05:42.134 --> 00:05:45.345 harder than farming, you know, like... 117 00:05:45.379 --> 00:05:46.829 You don't have all those steps in farming. 118 00:05:46.863 --> 00:05:50.246 You don't have to deal with that lady and... 119 00:05:50.280 --> 00:05:52.697 Why do I have to write the codenumber on the bag anyway? 120 00:05:52.731 --> 00:05:55.009 They're walnuts!If you work at a grocery store, 121 00:05:55.044 --> 00:05:57.909 you should be able to identify a walnut. 122 00:05:57.943 --> 00:05:59.669 That should be part of the hiring process. 123 00:05:59.704 --> 00:06:01.706 "What's that right there?" Oh, that's a pecan." 124 00:06:01.740 --> 00:06:05.641 "No, you can't work here, man, you're fired." 125 00:06:05.675 --> 00:06:07.125 But they were like, "No, we gotta know whether 126 00:06:07.159 --> 00:06:09.955 they're organic walnuts or regular walnuts." 127 00:06:09.990 --> 00:06:13.096 I'm like, "Well, organic walnutsare 78 bucks a pound, 128 00:06:13.131 --> 00:06:15.340 and I'm not a Saudi Arabian prince, 129 00:06:15.375 --> 00:06:18.274 so I'm pretty sure... 130 00:06:18.308 --> 00:06:19.724 they're not organic walnuts." 131 00:06:19.758 --> 00:06:21.967 There's, like, six guys in the world who can afford organic 132 00:06:22.002 --> 00:06:25.212 walnuts and none of them just used a frequent shopper card. 133 00:06:25.246 --> 00:06:29.389 [laughter] 134 00:06:29.423 --> 00:06:34.359 [cheering and applause] 135 00:06:36.603 --> 00:06:38.121 Thank you, thank you. 136 00:06:38.156 --> 00:06:41.021 Yeah, so... 137 00:06:41.055 --> 00:06:45.681 Like, the first farmer that I really ever knew was through wrestling. 138 00:06:45.715 --> 00:06:48.822 I was a wrestler when I was in college and... 139 00:06:48.856 --> 00:06:50.893 [scattered whistles]Yeah... 140 00:06:50.927 --> 00:06:55.207 My senior year, my coach called me in for a meeting. 141 00:06:55.242 --> 00:06:57.175 He goes, "Warren." He goes, "You need more 142 00:06:57.209 --> 00:06:59.315 competition in the practice room." 143 00:06:59.349 --> 00:07:01.248 He goes, "This is what we're doing this year. 144 00:07:01.282 --> 00:07:04.182 "We're bringing in this guy named Steve. He's a local farmer. 145 00:07:04.216 --> 00:07:08.082 He used to wrestle back in the day. He was real good." 146 00:07:08.117 --> 00:07:11.431 I'm like, "All right, I'll wrestle Farmer Steve." 147 00:07:11.465 --> 00:07:13.571 [laughter] 148 00:07:13.605 --> 00:07:14.951 Steve shows up the first day. 149 00:07:14.986 --> 00:07:19.369 He's old, he's like 45, all right? 150 00:07:19.404 --> 00:07:22.476 When you see a guy that's 45 and you're 20, 151 00:07:22.511 --> 00:07:24.305 you're like, "I'm not gonna wrestle that guy! 152 00:07:24.340 --> 00:07:27.239 I'll play checkers with him or something like that." 153 00:07:27.274 --> 00:07:29.345 So, for the first, like, hour of practice, 154 00:07:29.379 --> 00:07:32.521 Steve just sits down on the wall like an old guy. 155 00:07:32.555 --> 00:07:36.939 Finally Coach goes, "Warren, wrestle Steve." 156 00:07:36.973 --> 00:07:38.803 I go, "Steve, you want to warm up?" 157 00:07:38.837 --> 00:07:40.218 Steve goes like this, he goes... 158 00:07:44.843 --> 00:07:47.018 That's not a wrestling stance. 159 00:07:47.052 --> 00:07:49.641 I look at my buddy, I go, "I don't want to hurt this old dude." 160 00:07:49.676 --> 00:07:51.712 And then they blew the whistle.Steve jumped about 161 00:07:51.747 --> 00:07:53.196 a foot and a half in the air. 162 00:07:53.231 --> 00:07:55.475 He grabbed me by my chin and my head. 163 00:07:55.509 --> 00:07:58.374 He threw me on the mat and proceeded to beat me, 164 00:07:58.408 --> 00:08:00.480 like beat me. Like, when I say beat me, 165 00:08:00.514 --> 00:08:02.482 I don't mean he scored more points than me. 166 00:08:02.516 --> 00:08:04.276 He physically beat me. 167 00:08:04.311 --> 00:08:07.797 It was like he beat me over the head with me, all right? 168 00:08:07.832 --> 00:08:12.630 Come to find out Steve is on the Olympic team in 1980. 169 00:08:12.664 --> 00:08:14.528 Nobody told me that. 170 00:08:14.563 --> 00:08:17.082 You guys remember what happened in 1980? 171 00:08:17.117 --> 00:08:18.981 We boycotted. We didn't go. 172 00:08:19.015 --> 00:08:23.779 And apparently Steve was still angry about it. 173 00:08:23.813 --> 00:08:26.333 I was on the bottom, like, "Steve, I'm not Jimmy Carter, 174 00:08:26.367 --> 00:08:28.473 I had nothing to do..." 175 00:08:28.508 --> 00:08:32.546 [laughter, scattered applause] 176 00:08:32.581 --> 00:08:35.584 If you guys don't remember whathappened in 1980, that summer, 177 00:08:35.618 --> 00:08:38.207 the Olympics were in Moscow, and in the spring, 178 00:08:38.241 --> 00:08:39.933 the Russians invaded Afghanistan. 179 00:08:39.967 --> 00:08:42.832 And our president said, "Hey, if you guys don't get 180 00:08:42.867 --> 00:08:45.041 out of Afghanistan, we're not going to the Olympics." 181 00:08:45.076 --> 00:08:47.596 Now what he could of done, was just sent 182 00:08:47.630 --> 00:08:50.806 Steve to Afghanistan. 183 00:08:50.840 --> 00:08:52.808 He would've handled that situation in about a half an hour. 184 00:08:52.842 --> 00:08:54.637 [with accent] "No more Steve! Very bad man! 185 00:08:54.672 --> 00:08:56.328 "No more Steve! We quit, we quit. 186 00:08:56.363 --> 00:08:58.710 "You have Afghanistan. You have Russia if you want! 187 00:08:58.745 --> 00:09:01.057 "Just for God sake, please, no more Steve. 188 00:09:01.092 --> 00:09:03.577 Very, very bad man, Steve." 189 00:09:06.753 --> 00:09:09.583 So, yeah, man, that's, uh... 190 00:09:09.618 --> 00:09:12.172 That's my limitation of farm knowledge. 191 00:09:12.206 --> 00:09:14.139 Steve, you know? 192 00:09:14.174 --> 00:09:16.832 And it wasn't pleasant. 193 00:09:16.866 --> 00:09:19.006 But I've been trying to learn, I've been trying to learn. 194 00:09:19.041 --> 00:09:22.803 Ever since those bean pickers made fun of me, 195 00:09:22.838 --> 00:09:24.529 I've been learning.I've already learned some stuff. 196 00:09:24.564 --> 00:09:26.358 I learned this, um, corn. 197 00:09:26.393 --> 00:09:29.499 That is the number one cash cropin the United States. 198 00:09:29.534 --> 00:09:34.332 I didn't know that, mostly 'cause I don't know what a cash crop is. 199 00:09:34.366 --> 00:09:37.266 I think it means, like, corn,that's a very popular vegetable, 200 00:09:37.300 --> 00:09:39.164 so the corn farmers, they only accept 201 00:09:39.199 --> 00:09:42.823 cash, whereas... 202 00:09:42.858 --> 00:09:47.034 Your lesser vegetables, like a Brussels sprout, they'll take Diners Club. 203 00:09:47.069 --> 00:09:49.209 You could use a TJ Maxx card 204 00:09:49.243 --> 00:09:52.557 for some asparagus, I'm pretty sure. 205 00:09:52.592 --> 00:09:54.248 I also learned this. If you're hanging out 206 00:09:54.283 --> 00:09:56.561 with a bunch of farmers and oneof them has their fly down, 207 00:09:56.596 --> 00:09:59.219 just say, "Hey, man, your fly's down." 208 00:09:59.253 --> 00:10:02.602 Don't say, "Somebody forgot to shut the barn door!" 209 00:10:02.636 --> 00:10:05.535 They flip out."Randy, I told you to shut that! 210 00:10:05.570 --> 00:10:07.779 That's our livelihood!" 211 00:10:07.814 --> 00:10:11.334 [laughter] 212 00:10:18.479 --> 00:10:21.137 I, uh, and I've been visiting places. 213 00:10:21.172 --> 00:10:26.108 I actually went to a farm festival here in Illinois, 214 00:10:26.142 --> 00:10:29.042 a little bit south of here, in Millstadt, Illinois. 215 00:10:29.076 --> 00:10:31.665 And it was, like, it was cool. They had all this farm stuff. 216 00:10:31.700 --> 00:10:33.598 There was like a thousand peoplethere, I took my niece. 217 00:10:33.633 --> 00:10:35.048 It was cool. We did farm stuff. 218 00:10:35.082 --> 00:10:39.328 Like, uh, we went in a corn maze, um... 219 00:10:39.362 --> 00:10:41.986 It was tough. You know, it was hard. 220 00:10:42.020 --> 00:10:44.471 It was way harder than the cabbage maze. 221 00:10:44.505 --> 00:10:46.093 I mean, that was... 222 00:10:46.128 --> 00:10:48.924 [laughter] 223 00:10:48.958 --> 00:10:53.169 I can see it all from here! 224 00:10:53.204 --> 00:10:55.931 We, uh, and you know, 225 00:10:55.965 --> 00:10:58.381 we sat on a hay bale and watched a country band. 226 00:10:58.416 --> 00:11:00.452 And that's the only chairs they have 227 00:11:00.487 --> 00:11:02.662 at a farm festival is a hay bale. 228 00:11:02.696 --> 00:11:04.940 I felt guilty 'cause, you know, the horse 229 00:11:04.974 --> 00:11:08.357 is probably looking at you like,"Yeah, man, um... 230 00:11:08.391 --> 00:11:10.877 "I was gonna eat that. 231 00:11:10.911 --> 00:11:12.430 "You know, you sit on me all day long, 232 00:11:12.464 --> 00:11:13.673 "now you wanna sit on my food. 233 00:11:13.707 --> 00:11:14.812 "Anything else you wanna sit on? 234 00:11:14.846 --> 00:11:16.468 "Oh, hey, those are pony rides over there. 235 00:11:16.503 --> 00:11:18.885 You want to sit on my kids. Thanks a lot, you jerk." 236 00:11:23.096 --> 00:11:25.546 But we're sitting on this, uh,we're sitting on this hay bale, 237 00:11:25.581 --> 00:11:26.720 and this guy comes up, he goes, 238 00:11:26.755 --> 00:11:31.104 "They're getting ready to shoot the pumpkin!" 239 00:11:31.138 --> 00:11:34.417 I don't know what that means, but I'm in, it sounds... 240 00:11:34.452 --> 00:11:36.523 They wheel out this giant cannon. 241 00:11:36.557 --> 00:11:38.628 It was like a war cannon. 242 00:11:38.663 --> 00:11:42.149 And they just put a pumpkin in it and they shot it. 243 00:11:42.184 --> 00:11:46.153 Far, and high, and fast, 244 00:11:46.188 --> 00:11:49.191 and beautiful, like... 245 00:11:49.225 --> 00:11:51.020 I went to the Grand Canyon a couple months ago, 246 00:11:51.055 --> 00:11:54.161 and if you haven't been, go 'cause it's breathtaking. 247 00:11:54.196 --> 00:11:56.646 But after about six minutes there I was like, 248 00:11:56.681 --> 00:11:58.890 "I wish they had a pumpkin cannon." 249 00:11:58.925 --> 00:12:00.961 I mean, this is... 250 00:12:00.996 --> 00:12:03.446 It's nice and all, but after a while it's just rocks. 251 00:12:03.481 --> 00:12:07.761 I mean, shoot some vegetables, give me some action! 252 00:12:07.796 --> 00:12:09.936 I'm not a dad, if I was a dad, I would be honest. 253 00:12:09.970 --> 00:12:12.662 I would be honest. I'd be like, "You know, my child was born today. 254 00:12:12.697 --> 00:12:16.770 "Today was the greatest day of my life 255 00:12:16.805 --> 00:12:18.738 except for when I saw that pumpkin cannon 256 00:12:18.772 --> 00:12:19.877 in Millstadt, Illinois. That was way better. 257 00:12:19.911 --> 00:12:23.535 That was, that was way better, I mean..." 258 00:12:23.570 --> 00:12:25.296 I mean, I would be honest. Dads, whenever dads start 259 00:12:25.330 --> 00:12:26.538 talking about the greatest day of their life, 260 00:12:26.573 --> 00:12:28.575 they always backtrack, you know? 261 00:12:28.609 --> 00:12:32.268 "The Cardinals won the World Series, this is the greatest day of my life! 262 00:12:32.303 --> 00:12:34.892 "You know, except for my wedding day, and uh, 263 00:12:34.926 --> 00:12:36.307 "the birth of my three children. 264 00:12:36.341 --> 00:12:40.656 That was better, definitely. My wife's not here, is she?" 265 00:12:40.690 --> 00:12:42.209 At least once I'd like to hear some guy, 266 00:12:42.244 --> 00:12:43.659 "The Cardinals won the World Series! 267 00:12:43.693 --> 00:12:46.869 "This is ten times better than when my stupid kid was born. 268 00:12:46.904 --> 00:12:49.838 "I mean, I love my kid, but theday he was born, I just met him. 269 00:12:49.872 --> 00:12:52.910 I've been a Cardinals fan for 54 years, man!" 270 00:12:52.944 --> 00:12:56.776 [laughter and applause] 271 00:13:00.365 --> 00:13:02.782 My dad's a big St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan. 272 00:13:02.816 --> 00:13:05.888 He loves 'em. Yeah, I mean... 273 00:13:05.923 --> 00:13:07.372 He really likes the baseball. 274 00:13:07.407 --> 00:13:10.410 But, more importantly, the Cardinals have this promotion 275 00:13:10.444 --> 00:13:15.311 where if they score six or more runs in a game, 276 00:13:15.346 --> 00:13:19.799 he gets his coffee the next dayat the gas station for 39 cents. 277 00:13:19.833 --> 00:13:22.802 And, normally, I think it's about 59 cents. 278 00:13:22.836 --> 00:13:26.081 So you can see it's very important to him. 279 00:13:26.115 --> 00:13:29.774 It's a big part of his life and... 280 00:13:29.809 --> 00:13:31.880 We're watching the game onetime, and it's late in the game. 281 00:13:31.914 --> 00:13:34.399 The Cardinals, they're winning like five to nothing. 282 00:13:34.434 --> 00:13:36.781 And I think like, bottom of theeighth or something. 283 00:13:36.816 --> 00:13:38.403 And basically, they had the game won. 284 00:13:38.438 --> 00:13:43.201 But he's locked in 'cause he hadn't gotten his coffee yet. 285 00:13:43.236 --> 00:13:45.652 And our best hitter came up, and he grounded it 286 00:13:45.686 --> 00:13:47.274 into a double play to end the inning. 287 00:13:47.309 --> 00:13:49.414 And my dad looked at me, he goes, 288 00:13:49.449 --> 00:13:51.554 "Seems kind of fishy, huh?" 289 00:13:51.589 --> 00:13:54.385 [laughter] 290 00:13:56.939 --> 00:14:00.632 "Yeah, they're point shaving, Dad, they're point shaving, yeah. 291 00:14:00.667 --> 00:14:05.154 "Yeah, the Cardinals are incollusion with Mobil On The Run 292 00:14:05.189 --> 00:14:08.261 so you don't save 20 cents on your coffee tomorrow. 293 00:14:08.295 --> 00:14:10.056 Like, I would call the FBI, Dad. 294 00:14:10.090 --> 00:14:13.473 This has gotta go to the top. This is important. 295 00:14:13.507 --> 00:14:16.925 This is the next Chicago White Sox scandal, I think. 296 00:14:16.959 --> 00:14:20.894 [laughter and applause] 297 00:14:24.933 --> 00:14:27.970 Yeah, my uh, my dad, uh... 298 00:14:28.005 --> 00:14:29.972 he was the high school wrestling coach. 299 00:14:30.007 --> 00:14:32.492 He was my wrestling coach in high school. 300 00:14:32.526 --> 00:14:34.943 It was pretty cool 'cause, um, 301 00:14:34.977 --> 00:14:38.256 I was like one of the only white guys on the team. 302 00:14:38.291 --> 00:14:42.260 And so, when I-- you know, your first day of high school 303 00:14:42.295 --> 00:14:44.469 when you're a freshman, you're really nervous and scared. 304 00:14:44.504 --> 00:14:47.783 I wasn't, 'cause I knew all the guys on the wrestling team from my dad. 305 00:14:47.817 --> 00:14:49.578 I knew Byron Blassingame. 306 00:14:49.612 --> 00:14:52.822 He was the toughest guy in the whole school. 307 00:14:52.857 --> 00:14:55.066 And he was cool to me, he was really nice to me. 308 00:14:55.101 --> 00:14:58.207 Every time he'd see me in the hallway he'd go, 309 00:14:58.242 --> 00:15:01.107 "Lil' Warren. 310 00:15:01.141 --> 00:15:02.660 Where your daddy at?" 311 00:15:02.694 --> 00:15:04.558 [laughter] 312 00:15:04.593 --> 00:15:07.354 "Where your daddy at, lil' Warren?" 313 00:15:07.389 --> 00:15:12.290 Like, that was Byron's way of saying "hi," like... 314 00:15:12.325 --> 00:15:16.398 He didn't really want to know where my dad was, but, 315 00:15:16.432 --> 00:15:17.986 I was like a dorky white kid so I'm, like... 316 00:15:18.020 --> 00:15:21.472 "I think he's at the bank, Byron!" 317 00:15:21.506 --> 00:15:24.371 "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 318 00:15:24.406 --> 00:15:27.340 Lil' Warren say his daddy at the bank." 319 00:15:27.374 --> 00:15:29.894 [laughter] 320 00:15:29.929 --> 00:15:34.105 Like, I got it after a while. Like I, you know, I got it. 321 00:15:34.140 --> 00:15:38.109 "Where your daddy at, lil' Warren?" "Hi, Byron!" 322 00:15:38.144 --> 00:15:41.250 Thank God later, like, he really didn't need to know 323 00:15:41.285 --> 00:15:43.425 where my dad was, like, in an emergency. 324 00:15:43.459 --> 00:15:46.946 "Lil Warren, the gym on fire! Where your daddy at?" 325 00:15:46.980 --> 00:15:49.293 "Uh-huh, where your daddy at, Byron?" 326 00:15:49.327 --> 00:15:51.295 [laughter] 327 00:15:57.163 --> 00:15:59.165 I said, you know, I said I'm not a farmer. 328 00:15:59.199 --> 00:16:01.270 I don't know anything about it.I don't know anything about 329 00:16:01.305 --> 00:16:04.101 like, any kind of blue collar job. 330 00:16:04.135 --> 00:16:06.586 I mean, I respect people that work with their hands. 331 00:16:06.620 --> 00:16:09.934 I just, I don't know anything about it. 332 00:16:09.969 --> 00:16:11.487 I met this guy recently. 333 00:16:11.522 --> 00:16:14.525 He goes, "Yeah, I'm an iron worker." 334 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:17.286 I had nothing. 335 00:16:17.321 --> 00:16:21.946 I go, "That's a sturdy metal. 336 00:16:21.981 --> 00:16:25.018 "Done some work with aluminum. 337 00:16:25.053 --> 00:16:27.503 "Foil, mostly. 338 00:16:27.538 --> 00:16:29.160 "Wrapping snacks and stuff like that. 339 00:16:29.195 --> 00:16:32.025 You guys got foil over there in iron? No?" 340 00:16:34.821 --> 00:16:37.065 I mean, I, yeah, my dad was a wrestling coach. 341 00:16:37.099 --> 00:16:38.514 That's a blue collar job. 342 00:16:38.549 --> 00:16:40.861 My grandpa was a butcher, very blue collar. 343 00:16:40.896 --> 00:16:43.761 I don't know past that. I'm not a big ancestry guy. 344 00:16:43.795 --> 00:16:47.316 I mean, I got ancestors, I just don't... 345 00:16:47.351 --> 00:16:50.664 I mean, I know my parents, I just don't go that far back. 346 00:16:50.699 --> 00:16:52.045 Everybody else is into it. 347 00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:54.530 All these Ancestry.com commercials. 348 00:16:54.565 --> 00:16:57.602 Just some woman, "I thought my whole life I was Norwegian. 349 00:16:57.637 --> 00:17:00.467 It turns out, I'm Chinese!" 350 00:17:00.502 --> 00:17:03.263 [laughter] 351 00:17:03.298 --> 00:17:06.473 Well, you should have known. 352 00:17:06.508 --> 00:17:09.925 Frankly, I saw it right away. I could have told you. 353 00:17:09.959 --> 00:17:12.652 You are not Norwegian. 354 00:17:12.686 --> 00:17:15.344 "I used to wear lederhosen, now I gotta wear a kilt." 355 00:17:15.379 --> 00:17:17.588 "You don't gotta wear anything, sir. 356 00:17:17.622 --> 00:17:19.935 Pants, actually, that's an option, that's... 357 00:17:19.969 --> 00:17:22.282 That's what they wear in Germanyand Ireland today. 358 00:17:22.317 --> 00:17:23.387 You just wanna play dress up. 359 00:17:23.421 --> 00:17:25.354 Let's not blame your ancestors on it." 360 00:17:25.389 --> 00:17:29.082 [laughter] 361 00:17:29.117 --> 00:17:30.566 I mean, the blue collar guys, they're more like, 362 00:17:30.601 --> 00:17:34.087 you know, like, a lot of testosterone. 363 00:17:34.122 --> 00:17:36.193 I don't know how much testosterone I have left. 364 00:17:36.227 --> 00:17:38.298 [laughter] 365 00:17:38.333 --> 00:17:40.818 I'm starting to get worried. 366 00:17:40.852 --> 00:17:42.544 I listen to a lot of sports radio. 367 00:17:42.578 --> 00:17:45.271 And that's the only people thatadvertise on sports radio, 368 00:17:45.305 --> 00:17:47.825 the low testosterone clinics, you know. 369 00:17:47.859 --> 00:17:51.346 "Do you have low T?" 370 00:17:51.380 --> 00:17:53.693 "I don't know." 371 00:17:53.727 --> 00:17:55.798 "Do you feel as good as you didwhen you were 24?" 372 00:17:55.833 --> 00:17:58.491 "I don't feel as good as I did yesterday, to be real honest with you." 373 00:17:58.525 --> 00:18:02.426 [laughter] 374 00:18:02.460 --> 00:18:04.083 I thought that's the way the world worked. 375 00:18:04.117 --> 00:18:07.189 You get a little worse every dayand then you die. 376 00:18:07.224 --> 00:18:10.089 I didn't know. 377 00:18:10.123 --> 00:18:12.401 It's a pretty serious medical procedure, by the way, 378 00:18:12.436 --> 00:18:14.162 to inject your body with hormones. 379 00:18:14.196 --> 00:18:15.991 If I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna go to a place 380 00:18:16.025 --> 00:18:18.269 with a serious sounding name. 381 00:18:18.304 --> 00:18:22.031 Preferably, with the word doctorat the front of it. 382 00:18:22.066 --> 00:18:24.206 These places have, like, silly word play names. 383 00:18:24.241 --> 00:18:26.277 Like, "Come on down to Mansanity!" 384 00:18:26.312 --> 00:18:28.831 No, no, no, no, I'm not going there. 385 00:18:28.866 --> 00:18:32.939 I'm not getting a transplant at Liverama Fun World either. 386 00:18:32.973 --> 00:18:35.562 If I ever hear, "Hey, do you have high blood sugar? 387 00:18:35.597 --> 00:18:40.464 You can't dia-beat these prices!" That's also... 388 00:18:40.498 --> 00:18:41.499 "We have seven locations! 389 00:18:41.534 --> 00:18:44.295 We are glu-glu-glu- glucose to you! 390 00:18:44.330 --> 00:18:48.265 [laughter and applause] 391 00:18:51.406 --> 00:18:53.339 I'm not a farm guy. I'm a suburb guy. 392 00:18:53.373 --> 00:18:56.549 That's, uh, I'm a suburb guy. 393 00:18:56.583 --> 00:18:59.828 You know, I thinka lot of people say the suburbsis like a soft life. 394 00:18:59.862 --> 00:19:03.003 Like it's easy, it's not. 395 00:19:03.038 --> 00:19:06.145 It's tough, there's a lot of tough stuff, um... 396 00:19:06.179 --> 00:19:10.873 I had a problem at the Red Lobster the other day. 397 00:19:10.908 --> 00:19:12.737 It was serious. I mean, here's what happened. 398 00:19:12.772 --> 00:19:14.429 My waitress thought that I was poor. 399 00:19:14.463 --> 00:19:16.569 I'm not, okay, I'm not. 400 00:19:16.603 --> 00:19:18.433 I'm not rich. I'm not gonna stand up here 401 00:19:18.467 --> 00:19:20.297 and brag to you guys about how much money I make, 402 00:19:20.331 --> 00:19:22.506 but let's just say I can walk into a Red Lobster 403 00:19:22.540 --> 00:19:25.819 and get... whatever, okay, like... 404 00:19:25.854 --> 00:19:28.201 [laughter] 405 00:19:28.236 --> 00:19:30.686 I'm making that kind of cash. Like, I'm pulling that down. 406 00:19:30.721 --> 00:19:33.102 I'm not saying every day, but I'm saying two, three times 407 00:19:33.137 --> 00:19:37.210 a month, I can walk in there and I'm not looking at the prices, okay. 408 00:19:37.245 --> 00:19:42.215 And not just during Lobsterfest.I'm saying on a regular Tuesday. 409 00:19:42.250 --> 00:19:43.768 I'm doing fine. And I was wearing 410 00:19:43.803 --> 00:19:45.908 like my third best shirt. This is sixth. 411 00:19:45.943 --> 00:19:49.291 I didn't look poor. Here's what happened. 412 00:19:49.326 --> 00:19:53.433 I go, "I'll take the trout, and I want some asparagus." 413 00:19:53.468 --> 00:19:58.266 She goes, "Oh, sir, asparagus is a premium side." 414 00:19:58.300 --> 00:20:02.097 I was like, "What does that mean, it's real good?" 415 00:20:02.131 --> 00:20:04.203 She goes, "No, it's extra." I was like, "How much?" 416 00:20:04.237 --> 00:20:07.896 She goes, "$1.29" I was like, 417 00:20:07.930 --> 00:20:10.243 "I can swing it, I mean... 418 00:20:10.278 --> 00:20:14.074 I mean, I'm gonna have to call my guy, you know... 419 00:20:14.109 --> 00:20:16.905 We're gonna have to move some stuff around. 420 00:20:16.939 --> 00:20:20.426 Probably put off retirement for a couple years, but I want the asparagus. 421 00:20:20.460 --> 00:20:22.428 As a matter of fact, I want three asparaguses 422 00:20:22.462 --> 00:20:26.846 or three, three asparagi, is what I'm trying to say is I can spare-a-guy, okay? 423 00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:28.468 I got plenty of guys. 424 00:20:28.503 --> 00:20:31.609 I'm wanna keep the girls but, you know." 425 00:20:31.644 --> 00:20:33.335 I don't like it when they tell you how many sides 426 00:20:33.370 --> 00:20:34.923 you can have at the restaurant. 427 00:20:34.957 --> 00:20:36.890 I went to this place and I go, "I'll take the salmon, 428 00:20:36.925 --> 00:20:38.754 I want a baked potato, and I want--" 429 00:20:38.789 --> 00:20:40.756 "Sir, you only get one side." 430 00:20:40.791 --> 00:20:43.380 "I get however many sides I say I get. 431 00:20:43.414 --> 00:20:46.279 I'm a grown man. All right, I decide the sides. 432 00:20:46.314 --> 00:20:47.901 I'm the side decider. 433 00:20:47.936 --> 00:20:49.386 I'll make it rain sides up in here. 434 00:20:49.420 --> 00:20:51.111 I want all the sides. 435 00:20:51.146 --> 00:20:52.458 I want 'em all twice. 436 00:20:52.492 --> 00:20:54.805 Okay, I want a baked potato twice. 437 00:20:54.839 --> 00:20:56.876 And I'm not talking about a twice baked potato. 438 00:20:56.910 --> 00:21:00.293 I want two baked potatoes side by side. 439 00:21:00.328 --> 00:21:02.606 I want a roast beef sandwich." "Sir, that's not a side." 440 00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:05.747 "Well, then you put it on the side. 441 00:21:05.781 --> 00:21:07.611 I call the shots!" 442 00:21:07.645 --> 00:21:10.648 [cheering and applause]Yeah, yeah. 443 00:21:13.962 --> 00:21:15.860 "I want rice pilaf!" 444 00:21:15.895 --> 00:21:17.759 And between me and you guys, I-- 445 00:21:17.793 --> 00:21:20.658 I have no idea what rice pilaf is. 446 00:21:20.693 --> 00:21:23.074 I went to five different restaurants and I ordered 447 00:21:23.109 --> 00:21:28.079 rice pilaf and it was completelydifferent at every restaurant. 448 00:21:28.114 --> 00:21:31.842 These pilaf farmers need to standardize their product. 449 00:21:31.876 --> 00:21:35.294 I'll tell you that right now, like... 450 00:21:35.328 --> 00:21:37.468 I Googled it. Very loose definition. 451 00:21:37.503 --> 00:21:40.575 From what I can tell, rice pilaf is rice 452 00:21:40.609 --> 00:21:43.888 with anything else you want to put in it. 453 00:21:43.923 --> 00:21:45.407 Anything. You know how sometimes 454 00:21:45.442 --> 00:21:46.581 you drop your phone in the toilet 455 00:21:46.615 --> 00:21:51.206 and you gotta put it in rice to dry it out? 456 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:55.175 Technically, that's rice pilaf,okay, that... 457 00:21:55.210 --> 00:21:57.350 That's a pilafian dish. 458 00:21:57.385 --> 00:22:00.008 [laughter and applause] 459 00:22:00.042 --> 00:22:01.699 So, yeah, man, the suburbs. 460 00:22:01.734 --> 00:22:04.357 There's stuff that happens there, I, I... 461 00:22:04.392 --> 00:22:07.118 And, uh, I had a problem at thisplace called First Watch. 462 00:22:07.153 --> 00:22:09.397 It's a breakfast joint. You know, a tough place. 463 00:22:09.431 --> 00:22:13.090 And, uh... 464 00:22:13.124 --> 00:22:16.093 I go in there, and they're like,"It's a 20 minute wait." 465 00:22:16.127 --> 00:22:17.439 I'm like, "Okay, I can handle it. 466 00:22:17.474 --> 00:22:19.786 I'll do my time." You know, so... 467 00:22:19.821 --> 00:22:21.236 I'm sitting in the chair, I'm reading the paper, 468 00:22:21.270 --> 00:22:24.101 and I guess this woman came in after me and she had a baby. 469 00:22:24.135 --> 00:22:26.414 And, you know, I didn't see her. 470 00:22:26.448 --> 00:22:28.347 If I would've seen her I would have offered her my chair. 471 00:22:28.381 --> 00:22:29.451 But I didn't see her. 472 00:22:29.486 --> 00:22:32.212 So what she did,she just stood right next to me. 473 00:22:32.247 --> 00:22:35.215 She starts talking to her baby. 474 00:22:35.250 --> 00:22:37.356 But she's talking to me, all right, like, 475 00:22:37.390 --> 00:22:42.361 "No, no, no, there's nowhere for us to sit down. 476 00:22:42.395 --> 00:22:45.467 There's nowhere for us to sit down. There's nowhere for us--" 477 00:22:45.502 --> 00:22:47.089 I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't see you. 478 00:22:47.124 --> 00:22:49.644 Here, you can have my chair." You know? 479 00:22:49.678 --> 00:22:52.371 And then, you know, I stood right next to her. 480 00:22:55.166 --> 00:22:58.204 I didn't have a baby, all right. 481 00:22:58.238 --> 00:22:59.757 So I just started talking to my newspaper. 482 00:22:59.792 --> 00:23:03.761 I was like, "Nah, nah, newspaper, we gotta give her the chair. 483 00:23:03.796 --> 00:23:06.039 "No, the tactic she's using, that's called passive 484 00:23:06.074 --> 00:23:09.042 "aggressive, newspaper. She's a gutless woman. 485 00:23:09.077 --> 00:23:11.459 "And she is using her infant child in this charade. 486 00:23:11.493 --> 00:23:13.253 She's miserable, I..." 487 00:23:13.288 --> 00:23:18.086 [laughter] 488 00:23:18.120 --> 00:23:19.777 I'm not afraid of an altercation. 489 00:23:19.812 --> 00:23:21.261 The suburbs are crumbling, they are. 490 00:23:21.296 --> 00:23:23.436 I saw this the other day. I saw a Domino's Pizza 491 00:23:23.471 --> 00:23:25.196 being delivered to a McDonald's. 492 00:23:25.231 --> 00:23:27.578 That's not supposed to happen, okay, like... 493 00:23:27.613 --> 00:23:29.753 I get it, it was probably the kids that work at McDonald's 494 00:23:29.787 --> 00:23:31.996 that got tired of eating hamburgers, like, "Let's order a pizza." 495 00:23:32.031 --> 00:23:33.584 They should have told the guy to go around back. 496 00:23:33.619 --> 00:23:37.450 He was in line at McDonald's holding a pizza. 497 00:23:37.485 --> 00:23:39.556 It didn't look good. I mean, I get it, I get it. 498 00:23:39.590 --> 00:23:41.799 Have you guys been to McDonald's lately? 499 00:23:41.834 --> 00:23:43.663 Everybody that works there is a kid, everybody. 500 00:23:43.698 --> 00:23:45.009 "I want to talk to your supervisor." 501 00:23:45.044 --> 00:23:49.289 "We'll go get Mr. Smith." Mr. Smith's 15, all right. 502 00:23:49.324 --> 00:23:50.808 "We would go get our district manager 503 00:23:50.843 --> 00:23:52.603 "but his mom said he had too much homework. 504 00:23:52.638 --> 00:23:54.605 He can't come to work until next Thursday." 505 00:23:54.640 --> 00:23:56.987 [laughter] 506 00:23:57.021 --> 00:23:59.955 Customer service is gone. It doesn't exist, right? 507 00:23:59.990 --> 00:24:03.338 I mean, I just have a rule now.If I give you money, 508 00:24:03.372 --> 00:24:05.167 you just say thank you, that's it. 509 00:24:05.202 --> 00:24:09.033 You just say thank you, okay? And they don't do it. 510 00:24:09.068 --> 00:24:10.449 They don't say thank you half the time. 511 00:24:10.483 --> 00:24:13.072 I was in this place and I gave him, like, 300 bucks. 512 00:24:13.106 --> 00:24:15.005 I paid 300 bucks for something and the girl goes, 513 00:24:15.039 --> 00:24:16.385 "Hey, how did you hear about us?" 514 00:24:16.420 --> 00:24:18.802 "It's none of your business how I heard about you. 515 00:24:18.836 --> 00:24:21.667 Why don't you just be happy that I did hear about you?" 516 00:24:21.701 --> 00:24:23.738 Next time that happensI'm just gonna make something up 517 00:24:23.772 --> 00:24:26.188 to throw them off their little marketing research. 518 00:24:26.223 --> 00:24:28.328 "How'd you hear about us?" "Well, I belong to 519 00:24:28.363 --> 00:24:30.020 "a lot of hate groups and, uh..." 520 00:24:30.054 --> 00:24:31.159 [laughter] 521 00:24:31.193 --> 00:24:32.712 They told me I was supposed to shop here. 522 00:24:32.747 --> 00:24:35.025 They said for every dollar I spend here, 68 cents 523 00:24:35.059 --> 00:24:37.027 goes back to the hate group. All the hate groups. 524 00:24:37.061 --> 00:24:39.098 Even my favorite hate group, The I Hate The People 525 00:24:39.132 --> 00:24:42.619 That Ask "How'd You Hear About Us" Hate Group. 526 00:24:42.653 --> 00:24:44.448 "How'd you hear about us?" "Japanese newspaper. 527 00:24:44.483 --> 00:24:46.208 Full page ad in there." 528 00:24:46.243 --> 00:24:47.520 "Sir, we don't advertise in Japan." 529 00:24:47.555 --> 00:24:49.764 "Well, I saw what I saw. You should be grateful. 530 00:24:49.798 --> 00:24:51.938 But that's not really your strong suit, is it?" 531 00:24:56.460 --> 00:24:58.807 I had another, this is probablylike the, you know, 532 00:24:58.842 --> 00:25:02.708 the, uh, toughest issue, um... 533 00:25:02.742 --> 00:25:04.157 I'll give you some background, okay? 534 00:25:04.192 --> 00:25:07.747 So, my favorite snack is mixed nuts. 535 00:25:07.782 --> 00:25:10.681 I like mixed nuts and, like, 536 00:25:10.716 --> 00:25:15.030 When I eat mixed nuts, I don't have nine mixed nuts. 537 00:25:15.065 --> 00:25:17.101 I eat as many mixed nuts as I can 538 00:25:17.136 --> 00:25:20.104 until I'm very uncomfortable, 539 00:25:20.139 --> 00:25:24.419 and then I have eleven more handfuls of mixed nuts, like, that's... 540 00:25:24.453 --> 00:25:26.214 So, I go to this, you know, I go... 541 00:25:26.248 --> 00:25:27.974 I was in the hotel, and I go to the gift shop. 542 00:25:28.009 --> 00:25:30.287 I'm hungry, real hungry. And I see these, uh, 543 00:25:30.321 --> 00:25:31.530 I don't even see the whole package. 544 00:25:31.564 --> 00:25:35.430 I just read the "Mi" and the "uts," all right? 545 00:25:35.464 --> 00:25:38.019 I'm like, "I want it." It looks like a good package. 546 00:25:38.053 --> 00:25:40.504 Experienced nut mixers or whatever, so I get it. 547 00:25:40.539 --> 00:25:42.782 I don't even look at it.I pay for it, don't look at it. 548 00:25:42.817 --> 00:25:44.577 I go up to the room, I don't even look at it. 549 00:25:44.612 --> 00:25:46.406 I start eating it. I'm watching TV, 550 00:25:46.441 --> 00:25:47.856 and I'm just shoving handfuls in my mouth. 551 00:25:47.891 --> 00:25:49.375 And there's nuts in there, fine. 552 00:25:49.409 --> 00:25:51.411 But there's pistachios in there, fine. 553 00:25:51.446 --> 00:25:53.724 But they have shells on them. The pistachios have shells 554 00:25:53.759 --> 00:25:55.588 on them and the rest of the mixed nuts do not 555 00:25:55.623 --> 00:25:57.383 have shells on them. That's wrong, isn't it? 556 00:25:57.417 --> 00:25:59.799 That's, that's dangerous! Like, "Hey, thanks! 557 00:25:59.834 --> 00:26:04.252 Could you also put some toy Armymen legs in those mixed nuts?" 558 00:26:04.286 --> 00:26:07.117 That's a crime! And the thing is, like, 559 00:26:07.151 --> 00:26:09.878 it really bothers me 'cause they're lazy. They are so lazy. 560 00:26:09.913 --> 00:26:12.329 Everybody knows pistachios, that's the easiest nut 561 00:26:12.363 --> 00:26:15.884 to take the shell off of. I mean, they hatch. 562 00:26:15.919 --> 00:26:19.025 Like, they hatch. Like, they hatch. 563 00:26:19.060 --> 00:26:21.027 Nature does 83 percent of the work for you. 564 00:26:21.062 --> 00:26:22.546 You just flick it and they're open. 565 00:26:22.581 --> 00:26:24.168 I could understand if it's a walnut. 566 00:26:24.203 --> 00:26:26.101 You ever try to take a walnut shell off? It's hard. 567 00:26:26.136 --> 00:26:27.793 Like, when you eat 'em at Christmas time. 568 00:26:27.827 --> 00:26:30.381 By the time you get one off, it's Valentine's Day, like, that... 569 00:26:30.416 --> 00:26:33.453 [laughter] 570 00:26:40.012 --> 00:26:42.531 Yeah, I um... 571 00:26:42.566 --> 00:26:46.984 You can tell I'm kind of a complainer, you know? 572 00:26:47.019 --> 00:26:50.954 [laughter] 573 00:26:50.988 --> 00:26:53.163 I'm also lazy. 574 00:26:53.197 --> 00:26:56.649 I'm too lazy to be a farmer. 575 00:26:56.684 --> 00:26:58.306 I know that, like... 576 00:26:58.340 --> 00:27:01.343 I mean, you say what you want about the farmers, they work. 577 00:27:01.378 --> 00:27:03.345 Like, they, they work, just... 578 00:27:03.380 --> 00:27:05.727 Just look at what they make their kids do. 579 00:27:05.762 --> 00:27:08.281 You ever heard a farm kid talk about his chores? 580 00:27:08.316 --> 00:27:11.112 When I was a kid, if I said I did my chores, 581 00:27:11.146 --> 00:27:13.114 that meant I rolled, rolled, 582 00:27:13.148 --> 00:27:16.496 the garbage cans down the driveway 583 00:27:16.531 --> 00:27:19.810 on Tuesday and my brother did it on Thursday. 584 00:27:19.845 --> 00:27:22.502 And if I didn't do my chores I got grounded. 585 00:27:22.537 --> 00:27:24.297 If a farm kid doesn't do his chores, 586 00:27:24.332 --> 00:27:27.818 the bank forecloses on the family's farm. 587 00:27:27.853 --> 00:27:29.578 The stakes are high over there, man. 588 00:27:29.613 --> 00:27:31.408 [laughter] 589 00:27:35.308 --> 00:27:38.967 So, yeah, man, I'm uh, I'm lazy. 590 00:27:39.002 --> 00:27:40.797 Here's how lazy I am. I was at the airport 591 00:27:40.831 --> 00:27:42.799 the other day and my shoe was untied and I was like, 592 00:27:42.833 --> 00:27:44.801 "I'm not feeling it." 593 00:27:44.835 --> 00:27:47.976 [laughter] 594 00:27:48.011 --> 00:27:50.047 And I passed the shoe shine guyand he goes, "Shine 'em up?" 595 00:27:50.082 --> 00:27:53.016 I was like, "How much to tie 'em?" 596 00:27:55.639 --> 00:27:58.642 It was three dollars per pair. I mean, only one was untied, 597 00:27:58.677 --> 00:28:00.609 but I was like, "Hey, as long as I'm paying you the three, 598 00:28:00.644 --> 00:28:02.266 like, untie that one and retie it. 599 00:28:02.301 --> 00:28:06.995 This is a, we had a deal and... 600 00:28:07.030 --> 00:28:08.514 This is how lazy I am. I was on Facebook 601 00:28:08.548 --> 00:28:10.240 and my friend Dort posted, 602 00:28:10.274 --> 00:28:12.863 "I ran a half marathon." 603 00:28:12.898 --> 00:28:15.832 And I posted, "Congrats." 604 00:28:15.866 --> 00:28:18.351 She ran 13 miles and I was too lazy 605 00:28:18.386 --> 00:28:21.251 to write "ulations." 606 00:28:21.285 --> 00:28:24.530 [laughter] 607 00:28:26.256 --> 00:28:29.604 We're all lazy though, it's just, I mean, we're all lazy. 608 00:28:29.638 --> 00:28:33.815 Walk around your house, "Alexa, turn on the lights!" 609 00:28:33.850 --> 00:28:36.128 "Alexa, turn off the lights!" 610 00:28:36.162 --> 00:28:37.474 "Alexa, turn on the stove." 611 00:28:37.508 --> 00:28:39.752 You know it took me three weeksto realize in order 612 00:28:39.787 --> 00:28:43.722 for that to work,you have to have Alexa, like... 613 00:28:43.756 --> 00:28:46.172 [laughter] 614 00:28:49.762 --> 00:28:51.833 But the laziness is not all my fault. 615 00:28:51.868 --> 00:28:54.663 Like, uh, I got some, some problems. 616 00:28:54.698 --> 00:28:57.494 I got some physical limitations.I got plantar fasciitis. 617 00:28:57.528 --> 00:29:00.359 [scattered chuckling] 618 00:29:00.393 --> 00:29:03.569 That's not funny, like, that's not funny, that's... 619 00:29:03.603 --> 00:29:07.366 It's a serious disease, okay? It's, it's not funny. 620 00:29:07.400 --> 00:29:09.264 It hurts. Okay, my foot hurts. 621 00:29:09.299 --> 00:29:10.783 And I've been dealing with it for awhile. 622 00:29:10.818 --> 00:29:13.406 So I go to the doctor and theytell me, "You want to just roll 623 00:29:13.441 --> 00:29:15.201 your foot over a rolling pin." 624 00:29:15.236 --> 00:29:17.825 That's their advice, roll your foot over a rolling pin. 625 00:29:17.859 --> 00:29:19.999 So I tried it for a while, went back, I was like, 626 00:29:20.034 --> 00:29:22.139 "It doesn't work."They're like, "Yeah, definitelymore rolling pin." 627 00:29:22.174 --> 00:29:23.796 So, I did it. By the way, 628 00:29:23.831 --> 00:29:26.316 you don't want to eat homemade cookies at my house. 629 00:29:26.350 --> 00:29:28.939 [laughter] 630 00:29:28.974 --> 00:29:32.218 So, I'm just rolling my footover a rolling pin all the time. 631 00:29:32.253 --> 00:29:33.944 And I finally, like after nine months, 632 00:29:33.979 --> 00:29:35.463 I went back, like, "It's not working ." 633 00:29:35.497 --> 00:29:37.465 They go, "Ah, triple up the rolling." 634 00:29:37.499 --> 00:29:40.399 I'm like, "I want an MRI." And they're like, "Ehh." 635 00:29:40.433 --> 00:29:43.367 You have to be really, really angry to get those things 636 00:29:43.402 --> 00:29:45.059 with the way the insurance works, so I go, 637 00:29:45.093 --> 00:29:49.511 "I want an MRI now or I'm burning this office down!" 638 00:29:49.546 --> 00:29:50.892 "Okay, sir, that's what we were looking for. 639 00:29:50.927 --> 00:29:54.309 You can have the MRI. No problem, no problem." 640 00:29:54.344 --> 00:29:57.692 And by the way, like, the MRI,I don't know if you've had one, 641 00:29:57.726 --> 00:29:59.383 but whoever invented that machine, 642 00:29:59.418 --> 00:30:02.904 that is a sick person. 643 00:30:02.939 --> 00:30:04.078 Here's how I think the meeting went. 644 00:30:04.112 --> 00:30:05.838 They were like, "All right, we got this new machine. 645 00:30:05.873 --> 00:30:07.598 Now, the people that are gonna be using it, 646 00:30:07.633 --> 00:30:09.877 they're gonna be injured so they'll be nervous. 647 00:30:09.911 --> 00:30:11.533 They're also gonna be claustrophobic because 648 00:30:11.568 --> 00:30:13.984 we are shoving them in a tube. 649 00:30:14.019 --> 00:30:18.230 So, the way we should put them at ease is to make this thing 650 00:30:18.264 --> 00:30:22.372 sound like they're being riddledwith machine gun fire. 651 00:30:22.406 --> 00:30:24.857 You're in there, 652 00:30:24.892 --> 00:30:26.445 it's quiet, then you hear, 653 00:30:26.479 --> 00:30:31.415 [mimicking machine gun fire] 654 00:30:35.592 --> 00:30:37.905 "How you doing in there?" "I think I'm hit!" 655 00:30:37.939 --> 00:30:41.218 [laughter] 656 00:30:41.253 --> 00:30:43.669 Then they have the gall to say,"Don't move." 657 00:30:43.703 --> 00:30:45.119 "While they're shooting at me? 658 00:30:45.153 --> 00:30:48.847 You want me to go ahead and stand still for you?" 659 00:30:48.881 --> 00:30:50.193 It's a real calming noise, isn't it? 660 00:30:50.227 --> 00:30:52.643 [mimicking machine gun] 661 00:30:52.678 --> 00:30:53.886 Their second choice was 662 00:30:53.921 --> 00:30:57.752 [bomb descending...] 663 00:30:57.786 --> 00:31:00.306 [exploding] 664 00:31:00.341 --> 00:31:04.034 I had the MRI. And then also, uh... 665 00:31:04.069 --> 00:31:07.348 Also, I had to get some blood taken, which... 666 00:31:07.382 --> 00:31:10.765 I don't like needles. Like, I hate 'em. 667 00:31:10.799 --> 00:31:12.180 To make matters worse, 668 00:31:12.215 --> 00:31:16.495 the blood sticker guy... 669 00:31:16.529 --> 00:31:18.911 you know, that guy, he, uh, 670 00:31:18.946 --> 00:31:20.257 he started using poor grammar. 671 00:31:20.292 --> 00:31:21.396 He goes, "This ain't gonna hurt." 672 00:31:21.431 --> 00:31:25.711 I was like, "Oh, no. No-no-no, no-no-no. 673 00:31:25.745 --> 00:31:26.885 We're not doing that, all right? 674 00:31:26.919 --> 00:31:28.403 We're not, we're not, no, no, we're not... 675 00:31:28.438 --> 00:31:31.959 You can't use poor grammar and do medical stuff to somebody. 676 00:31:31.993 --> 00:31:34.168 Because if he says, "This ain't gonna hurt." 677 00:31:34.202 --> 00:31:35.824 I'm thinking, well, he may ain't not know the difference 678 00:31:35.859 --> 00:31:37.412 between a vein and an artery, all right? 679 00:31:37.447 --> 00:31:39.932 He may ain't have remembered to wash the diseased blood 680 00:31:39.967 --> 00:31:43.660 out of that syringe before he stuck it inside of me. 681 00:31:43.694 --> 00:31:45.351 We're not doing this, okay. We're not doing this. 682 00:31:45.386 --> 00:31:47.215 And it's not his fault. The guy was probably good 683 00:31:47.250 --> 00:31:50.218 in school in science and bad in English. 684 00:31:50.253 --> 00:31:52.634 But I don't care, man. It's a confidence thing. 685 00:31:52.669 --> 00:31:55.844 Like, if you want your kid to be a doctor, 686 00:31:55.879 --> 00:31:59.814 you make sure they do well in science and English . 687 00:31:59.848 --> 00:32:03.404 And if for some reason your kidcannot do well in English, 688 00:32:03.438 --> 00:32:07.270 teach them a foreign accent, all right? 689 00:32:07.304 --> 00:32:09.789 Like, 'cause we all know... 690 00:32:09.824 --> 00:32:12.896 If the doctor's, like, "Me not know the, uh, 691 00:32:12.931 --> 00:32:14.967 how you say, how you say, how you say?" 692 00:32:15.002 --> 00:32:18.695 "Oh, that guy's a genius! You do whatever you gotta do, Doc! 693 00:32:18.729 --> 00:32:20.559 "I went to college with you foreign guys. 694 00:32:20.593 --> 00:32:22.699 "You were always in the librarywhen I was drunk. 695 00:32:22.733 --> 00:32:24.459 "You do what you gotta do, man. 696 00:32:24.494 --> 00:32:25.771 "I trust you. 697 00:32:25.805 --> 00:32:28.739 Your poor grammar equals high MCAT score." 698 00:32:31.570 --> 00:32:33.296 Here's the thing, like, it's just medicine. 699 00:32:33.330 --> 00:32:35.884 Like, I'm not a snob. If you wanna fix my car, 700 00:32:35.919 --> 00:32:38.508 I don't care if you use poor grammar. 701 00:32:38.542 --> 00:32:42.684 Matter of fact, I'd prefer you did. 702 00:32:42.719 --> 00:32:45.204 If the mechanic's, like, "That there transmission ain't 703 00:32:45.239 --> 00:32:47.241 never ever gonna work again." I'm like, well, 704 00:32:47.275 --> 00:32:49.622 I guess I need a new transmission. 705 00:32:49.657 --> 00:32:51.728 Obviously, this guy knows what he's talking about. 706 00:32:51.762 --> 00:32:53.143 He's butchering the English language. 707 00:32:53.178 --> 00:32:57.147 He's probably at the top of his field. 708 00:32:57.182 --> 00:32:59.287 "I better not no wait no more longer 709 00:32:59.322 --> 00:33:03.498 for this no more." No, huh? 710 00:33:04.810 --> 00:33:06.674 I walked by a construction site the other day, 711 00:33:06.708 --> 00:33:09.332 I heard 37 swear words in under a minute. 712 00:33:09.366 --> 00:33:12.128 I was like, that is gonna be a sturdy building. 713 00:33:12.162 --> 00:33:15.890 [laughter] 714 00:33:15.924 --> 00:33:18.720 You ever walk by a constructionsite and hear somebody say 715 00:33:18.755 --> 00:33:21.482 "darn it" or "shoot," that thing's coming down! 716 00:33:25.417 --> 00:33:28.937 What I'm trying to say is education is important. 717 00:33:28.972 --> 00:33:31.526 But we all have different levels of education. 718 00:33:31.561 --> 00:33:33.080 You know, that's fine, it makes us more interesting. 719 00:33:33.114 --> 00:33:34.495 But you got to know who you're talking to. 720 00:33:34.529 --> 00:33:37.360 I met this lady recently, we were at the grocery store. 721 00:33:37.394 --> 00:33:39.362 She was really nice. We start talking in line. 722 00:33:39.396 --> 00:33:42.606 She goes, "Yeah, my doctor says 723 00:33:42.641 --> 00:33:44.608 I need to start reading labels."She had kids. 724 00:33:44.643 --> 00:33:48.233 She goes, "If I can't pronounceone of the ingredients 725 00:33:48.267 --> 00:33:52.202 on that label, he said I shouldnot feed that item to my child." 726 00:33:52.237 --> 00:33:55.274 I was like, "That's pretty good advice 727 00:33:55.309 --> 00:33:59.140 depending on your level of education." 728 00:33:59.175 --> 00:34:02.764 If the mom's like, "Ma-ma-ma-ma!" 729 00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:04.387 I guess that kid's not getting milk, all right. 730 00:34:04.421 --> 00:34:08.080 [laughter] 731 00:34:08.115 --> 00:34:10.669 Doesn't seem fair. 732 00:34:10.703 --> 00:34:13.568 "I can't feed my child ma-leek!" 733 00:34:13.603 --> 00:34:16.364 [laughter] 734 00:34:19.885 --> 00:34:21.473 Education's important, you know.I'm educated. 735 00:34:21.507 --> 00:34:24.303 I, uh, I graduated college. I got a degree in journalism. 736 00:34:24.338 --> 00:34:28.273 And, uh, very quickly got a job as a busboy at Denny's. 737 00:34:28.307 --> 00:34:30.689 [laughter]I did, I did, yeah. 738 00:34:30.723 --> 00:34:33.968 I was a, yeah, I was a waiter before I went to college 739 00:34:34.002 --> 00:34:37.144 and I came out a busboy. 740 00:34:37.178 --> 00:34:38.490 If I would've gone to grad school, 741 00:34:38.524 --> 00:34:40.250 I am pretty sure I could have made dish washer. 742 00:34:40.285 --> 00:34:42.045 I think I could have done it. 743 00:34:45.945 --> 00:34:48.120 I'm college educated, but a lotof times you wouldn't know it. 744 00:34:48.155 --> 00:34:49.742 I have done some really dumb stuff. 745 00:34:49.777 --> 00:34:53.298 Like, lately, this summer. I started the summer off dumb. 746 00:34:53.332 --> 00:34:55.265 I can't top it. Here's what happened. 747 00:34:55.300 --> 00:34:57.681 I was at my brother's house. And there was like a, 748 00:34:57.716 --> 00:35:00.132 there was like a barbecue there.He had all his friends there. 749 00:35:00.167 --> 00:35:02.307 And everybody was inside. And I walked outside and there 750 00:35:02.341 --> 00:35:05.965 was some bug spray on the picnic table, and I started spraying myself. 751 00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:08.313 And my sister-in-law walked out,she goes, "What are you doing?" 752 00:35:08.347 --> 00:35:12.144 I'm like, "I'm putting bug spray on, Kelly." 753 00:35:12.179 --> 00:35:14.353 She goes, "No!"I'm like, "I'll pay for my part 754 00:35:14.388 --> 00:35:16.907 of the bug spray if it's a problem, Kelly." 755 00:35:16.942 --> 00:35:18.185 She goes, "That's not bug spray." 756 00:35:18.219 --> 00:35:20.463 I'm like, "What is it?" She goes, "That's the fogger." 757 00:35:20.497 --> 00:35:22.810 And I'm like, "What's the fogger?" 758 00:35:22.844 --> 00:35:24.984 If you, if you guys don't know what the fogger is, 759 00:35:25.019 --> 00:35:27.470 it's this thing where like one person puts on a hazmat suit, 760 00:35:27.504 --> 00:35:31.163 they evacuate the area, they spray the back lawn 761 00:35:31.198 --> 00:35:34.994 with the fogger, and then bugs die for a 55-mile radius. 762 00:35:35.029 --> 00:35:38.619 I-- I put it on my face, all right, like... 763 00:35:38.653 --> 00:35:41.449 A lot got in my mouth. So, I have six months to live. 764 00:35:41.484 --> 00:35:44.107 The good news is, those six months will be insect-free. 765 00:35:44.142 --> 00:35:46.420 No bugs will come anywhere near me. 766 00:35:46.454 --> 00:35:47.731 Orkin hired me. 767 00:35:47.766 --> 00:35:49.008 I just go to people's houses now, 768 00:35:49.043 --> 00:35:51.390 and I sit down, and all the bugs die, I... 769 00:35:51.425 --> 00:35:53.289 I killed a cat. I didn't mean to. 770 00:35:53.323 --> 00:35:55.636 It... it jumped in my lap. I didn't-- 771 00:35:57.258 --> 00:35:59.364 I don't know how I'm gonna top that this summer. 772 00:35:59.398 --> 00:36:01.400 Maybe eat a citronella candle. 773 00:36:03.091 --> 00:36:04.783 Here's the thing. I should've known, 774 00:36:04.817 --> 00:36:07.648 'cause I remember, like, right before I sprayed myself, 775 00:36:07.682 --> 00:36:10.202 I remember looking at the bug spray and I was like, 776 00:36:10.237 --> 00:36:14.862 that doesn't look like a normal bug spray... can. 777 00:36:14.896 --> 00:36:16.898 It looked-- the spout looks too wide. 778 00:36:16.933 --> 00:36:20.833 It looks-- it looks like an air horn. 779 00:36:20.868 --> 00:36:22.249 And at that point, I should've read the label. 780 00:36:22.283 --> 00:36:25.321 I was like, no, it's probably like a half air horn, 781 00:36:25.355 --> 00:36:26.805 half bug spray product. 782 00:36:26.839 --> 00:36:29.048 Something you would use at an outdoor sporting event. 783 00:36:29.083 --> 00:36:30.360 You know, like, you know, like... 784 00:36:30.395 --> 00:36:34.330 [imitating aerosol spray and air horn blowing] 785 00:36:42.096 --> 00:36:43.373 [imitates air horn blowing] 786 00:36:46.549 --> 00:36:49.068 That's the dumbest thing I've done. 787 00:36:49.103 --> 00:36:51.657 Now, the dumbest thing I said... 788 00:36:51.692 --> 00:36:54.660 I was at my friend's house and I was in the bathroom, 789 00:36:54.695 --> 00:36:56.317 and there was this painting in the bathroom, 790 00:36:56.352 --> 00:36:57.732 and in the bottom left-hand corner 791 00:36:57.767 --> 00:36:58.975 it had these pencil markings. 792 00:36:59.009 --> 00:37:02.875 It said, "23/100." 793 00:37:02.910 --> 00:37:07.328 That means that's the 23rd printthat they made of that painting 794 00:37:07.363 --> 00:37:08.640 in a series of 100. 795 00:37:08.674 --> 00:37:10.745 The people at the party had to tell me that 796 00:37:10.780 --> 00:37:12.437 'cause I walked outside and I said, 797 00:37:12.471 --> 00:37:15.302 "Hey, I like that painting in your bathroom. 798 00:37:15.336 --> 00:37:17.890 "I don't know why the teacher gave that guy 23 out of 100. 799 00:37:17.925 --> 00:37:19.271 "I would've given him like a 98. 800 00:37:19.306 --> 00:37:21.860 "I mean, yeah, sure, the sun is off center, 801 00:37:21.894 --> 00:37:24.794 but you don't take off 77 pointsfor something like that." 802 00:37:30.834 --> 00:37:32.042 I've done some dumb stuff. 803 00:37:32.077 --> 00:37:34.286 I bought a $55 umbrella. 804 00:37:37.669 --> 00:37:40.154 Hear me out. 805 00:37:40.188 --> 00:37:43.606 It was raining and... 806 00:37:43.640 --> 00:37:46.194 you know, I went into this store, and I was like, 807 00:37:46.229 --> 00:37:47.817 I want that one. It was 11 bucks. 808 00:37:47.851 --> 00:37:50.026 And the sales guy... was good. 809 00:37:50.060 --> 00:37:51.269 Like, he was really good. 810 00:37:51.303 --> 00:37:53.685 Like, he started showing me all these features 811 00:37:53.719 --> 00:37:55.411 on the $55 umbrella. 812 00:37:55.445 --> 00:37:57.654 I was like, wow, there have beena lot of advances 813 00:37:57.689 --> 00:37:59.794 in umbrella technology. 814 00:37:59.829 --> 00:38:01.417 And I got it home and I was like, 815 00:38:01.451 --> 00:38:03.453 there have been no advances in umbrella technology. 816 00:38:03.488 --> 00:38:05.559 Those weren't features. Like, they all open. 817 00:38:05.593 --> 00:38:07.561 Um... that's bad. 818 00:38:07.595 --> 00:38:09.321 'Cause if I ever do wind up destitute, 819 00:38:09.356 --> 00:38:11.254 I know my friends. That'll be the example. 820 00:38:11.289 --> 00:38:12.669 Like, "Hey, what happened to Warren? 821 00:38:12.704 --> 00:38:14.809 I heard he was homeless." "Well, the guy was buying 822 00:38:14.844 --> 00:38:17.122 $55 umbrellas. I saw it coming." 823 00:38:19.504 --> 00:38:20.884 I'm not good with money. I'm just not. 824 00:38:20.919 --> 00:38:23.646 I'm not good with money. I mean, I made a bunch. 825 00:38:23.680 --> 00:38:26.856 I just-- I used it. 826 00:38:26.890 --> 00:38:30.446 I-I used it all, and I guess you're not supposed to. 827 00:38:30.480 --> 00:38:32.655 And... and I think I have a face 828 00:38:32.689 --> 00:38:35.968 that looks likeI'm more responsible than I am, 829 00:38:36.003 --> 00:38:37.453 'cause when I tell people that, they're like, 830 00:38:37.487 --> 00:38:42.043 "Well, you saved some." I'm like, I didn't. 831 00:38:42.078 --> 00:38:43.597 They're like, "Well, you still have your retirement 832 00:38:43.631 --> 00:38:45.046 from when you worked at Proctor & Gamble." 833 00:38:45.081 --> 00:38:46.600 I'm like, I cashed that out. They're like, 834 00:38:46.634 --> 00:38:49.119 "If you cashed that out, there are some serious penalties." 835 00:38:49.154 --> 00:38:53.192 I'm like, you're telling me. Like extremely serious. 836 00:38:53.227 --> 00:38:55.056 Really, I mean, unnecessarily serious. 837 00:38:55.091 --> 00:38:56.506 Draconian, really, um... 838 00:38:56.541 --> 00:38:57.818 And then they start yelling at me 839 00:38:57.852 --> 00:38:59.475 about compounding interest, which-- I don't know. 840 00:38:59.509 --> 00:39:00.545 If I would've known about it, 841 00:39:00.579 --> 00:39:01.684 I probably would've compounded some, 842 00:39:01.718 --> 00:39:03.789 but I didn't know about it. 843 00:39:03.824 --> 00:39:05.722 "Hey, Greg, you don't understandcompounding interest. 844 00:39:05.757 --> 00:39:07.483 "You gotta start saving when you're young, 845 00:39:07.517 --> 00:39:09.968 "'cause you get interest, then you get interest 846 00:39:10.002 --> 00:39:12.350 "on the interest, then you get interest on that interest 847 00:39:12.384 --> 00:39:14.248 that you got interest on." It's like, "Greg! 848 00:39:14.282 --> 00:39:15.870 You gotta understand the math!" 849 00:39:15.905 --> 00:39:18.252 I'm like, well, Marty, you gottaunderstand the physics. 850 00:39:18.286 --> 00:39:21.013 I can't go back and do that, all right? 851 00:39:21.048 --> 00:39:23.326 I'm... I'm 50! I'm 50! 852 00:39:23.361 --> 00:39:24.569 You know what's compounding right now? 853 00:39:24.603 --> 00:39:28.020 The consequencesfrom my poor decisions in life! 854 00:39:28.055 --> 00:39:29.919 They're piling up. 855 00:39:29.953 --> 00:39:33.336 [cheering and applause] 856 00:39:33.371 --> 00:39:34.648 Yeah. 857 00:39:36.235 --> 00:39:37.858 There's no time travel. 858 00:39:40.895 --> 00:39:43.553 If there was time travel... 859 00:39:43.588 --> 00:39:45.383 I wouldn't make the best use of it. 860 00:39:47.868 --> 00:39:50.836 This is how I would use time travel. 861 00:39:50.871 --> 00:39:52.804 I shouldn't have eaten that. 862 00:39:55.910 --> 00:39:57.912 Then I, like, go back like 13 minutes 863 00:39:57.947 --> 00:39:59.880 to before I ate it. 864 00:40:01.606 --> 00:40:03.573 And then I would eat it again. 865 00:40:06.542 --> 00:40:10.200 Then I would go back like13 minutes to before I ate it... 866 00:40:10.235 --> 00:40:11.892 and then I would-- I would live in a loop. 867 00:40:11.926 --> 00:40:13.618 I would live in a 13-minute loop. 868 00:40:13.652 --> 00:40:15.516 I would experience 13 minutes of time. 869 00:40:15.551 --> 00:40:16.690 My friends would be like, 870 00:40:16.724 --> 00:40:18.243 "Greg, we went to the Middle Ages." 871 00:40:18.277 --> 00:40:20.728 I'd be like, I went to Pizza Hut again. 872 00:40:28.080 --> 00:40:29.461 And here's the thing. Like, I-- 873 00:40:29.496 --> 00:40:30.876 When I drive around at night, 874 00:40:30.911 --> 00:40:32.706 I listen to these financial radio shows. 875 00:40:32.740 --> 00:40:35.398 That's-- I don't-- I don't have any financials. 876 00:40:35.433 --> 00:40:38.366 I don't know why I do. And they're all the same. 877 00:40:38.401 --> 00:40:40.265 It's some guy talking to somebody young. 878 00:40:40.299 --> 00:40:42.854 "Hey, you're, uh, you're 26. 879 00:40:42.888 --> 00:40:45.063 "You know, you just gotta get in the habit of saving. 880 00:40:45.097 --> 00:40:46.892 "You're fine now,just get in the habit of saving. 881 00:40:46.927 --> 00:40:48.307 "You get in the habit of saving. 882 00:40:48.342 --> 00:40:52.208 What you don't wanna do is wait until you're 50." 883 00:40:52.242 --> 00:40:54.935 And then the guy goes on to pretty much describe-- 884 00:40:54.969 --> 00:40:59.353 I mean, short of saying my name,he is talking about me. 885 00:40:59.387 --> 00:41:01.010 I'm like, I know you're talking about me, man! 886 00:41:01.044 --> 00:41:02.390 Just say my name! Go ahead! 887 00:41:02.425 --> 00:41:04.220 Everybody knows you're talking about me! 888 00:41:06.429 --> 00:41:08.051 I'm the bad example. 889 00:41:10.157 --> 00:41:12.193 You remember when we were in high school 890 00:41:12.228 --> 00:41:14.230 and they wanted to scare us about DUIs? 891 00:41:14.264 --> 00:41:17.336 So they put that smashed-up carin the parking lot. 892 00:41:17.371 --> 00:41:19.753 They're like,"You wanna wind up like that?!" 893 00:41:19.787 --> 00:41:21.479 I'm the car. I'm the car. 894 00:41:25.241 --> 00:41:28.624 And that's how I'm gonna makea lot of money when I get older. 895 00:41:28.658 --> 00:41:32.317 I'm gonna start renting myself out... 896 00:41:32.351 --> 00:41:35.941 as the bad example to financial advisors. 897 00:41:35.976 --> 00:41:38.634 Yeah, yeah, they're gonna be in like a meeting where 898 00:41:38.668 --> 00:41:40.498 they're gonna be like, "Hey, you guys are a young couple. 899 00:41:40.532 --> 00:41:42.638 "You just got married. Now, you're doing fine. 900 00:41:42.672 --> 00:41:46.124 "You just-- you gotta start saving or... 901 00:41:46.158 --> 00:41:49.955 "Greg, come on in here for a second. 902 00:41:49.990 --> 00:41:52.026 Show 'em the umbrella." 903 00:41:52.061 --> 00:41:54.995 [laughter and applause] 904 00:42:05.108 --> 00:42:07.939 I don't know what I did with the money. 905 00:42:07.973 --> 00:42:10.389 I mean, I-I-I lost a lot of phone chargers. 906 00:42:10.424 --> 00:42:12.322 I did. 907 00:42:12.357 --> 00:42:14.186 I did accidentally buy some 908 00:42:14.221 --> 00:42:15.947 of those organic walnuts one time. 909 00:42:15.981 --> 00:42:18.466 That set me back about 585,000. 910 00:42:18.501 --> 00:42:19.951 That was-- 911 00:42:22.367 --> 00:42:24.507 Honestly, you know, a big part of it is, 912 00:42:24.542 --> 00:42:26.267 it's the blue-collar stuff. 913 00:42:26.302 --> 00:42:29.995 I can't fix anything, so I gottahire guys to fix stuff. 914 00:42:30.030 --> 00:42:31.652 So, when they come over to my house, 915 00:42:31.687 --> 00:42:34.241 like, I-I don't think they're being fair. 916 00:42:34.275 --> 00:42:37.831 Like... hey, man, how much is it 917 00:42:37.865 --> 00:42:39.833 to put the screen door back on the tracks there? 918 00:42:39.867 --> 00:42:42.214 "That's 4,000, Greg." 919 00:42:42.249 --> 00:42:44.251 Okay, thank-- that sounds fair. 920 00:42:44.285 --> 00:42:46.425 The last guy charged me 5,000, so I appreciate you 921 00:42:46.460 --> 00:42:48.082 not taking advantage of me. 922 00:42:50.119 --> 00:42:51.776 All those guys, they're all dirtbags, 923 00:42:51.810 --> 00:42:53.156 the guys that work on your house. 924 00:42:53.191 --> 00:42:54.986 Like, they're liars. They are. 925 00:42:55.020 --> 00:42:58.541 Contractors, repairmen, uh, 926 00:42:58.576 --> 00:43:00.750 plumbers, tile guys, everything. 927 00:43:00.785 --> 00:43:02.787 I've noticed this about those guys, every one of 'em, 928 00:43:02.821 --> 00:43:05.444 they're always very, very disappointed 929 00:43:05.479 --> 00:43:07.861 in the work of the previous guy. 930 00:43:07.895 --> 00:43:11.761 They cannot believe how horribleof a job that guy did. 931 00:43:11.796 --> 00:43:13.832 It just baffles 'em. "I tell you what, Mr. Warren. 932 00:43:13.867 --> 00:43:15.938 "I've been in this business for 96 years, 933 00:43:15.972 --> 00:43:17.664 "and I never seen anything like that before. 934 00:43:17.698 --> 00:43:19.873 "I don't know-- I don't know who this joker you hired-- 935 00:43:19.907 --> 00:43:21.702 "You probably got him in the circus. 936 00:43:21.737 --> 00:43:23.566 "I mean, that guy-- wow! 937 00:43:23.601 --> 00:43:26.396 He laid in a 55-47. Should've been a 3-C!" 938 00:43:26.431 --> 00:43:29.710 I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. 939 00:43:29.745 --> 00:43:32.126 Just tell me what-- did he use poor craftsmanship? 940 00:43:32.161 --> 00:43:34.542 "There's no craftsman on this ship, Mr. Warren. 941 00:43:34.577 --> 00:43:36.268 "I can assure you that. I mean, honestly, 942 00:43:36.303 --> 00:43:38.270 "this makes me mad, Mr. Warren.Listen, I'd like to punch 943 00:43:38.305 --> 00:43:39.824 "this guy in the face. I mean, did you have 944 00:43:39.858 --> 00:43:41.446 "a personal beef with him? I've been in the business 945 00:43:41.480 --> 00:43:44.414 "for 196 years and it just makes me sick 946 00:43:44.449 --> 00:43:46.382 to think that a guy like--" Just stop it! 947 00:43:46.416 --> 00:43:49.454 Just tell me what's wrong. W-W-W-What is it? 948 00:43:49.488 --> 00:43:51.042 Like, did he use the wrong materials? 949 00:43:51.076 --> 00:43:52.906 "I don't know what materials he did use, Mr. Warren. 950 00:43:52.940 --> 00:43:54.701 "That right there, now that looks like, um, 951 00:43:54.735 --> 00:43:56.323 "that's birthday cake frosting right there. 952 00:43:56.357 --> 00:43:58.670 "All right, maybe, maybe this fella thought 953 00:43:58.705 --> 00:44:01.639 "he was baking a birthday cake,you know? 954 00:44:01.673 --> 00:44:03.502 "Don't worry, Mr. Warren. We're gonna get you fixed up. 955 00:44:03.537 --> 00:44:06.402 "Now we are probably gonna haveto tear down your whole house, 956 00:44:06.436 --> 00:44:09.301 "and, uh, tear down the neighbor's house too, 957 00:44:09.336 --> 00:44:11.303 but, uh, you know..." 958 00:44:11.338 --> 00:44:13.374 It's just my bathroom! "Nah, nah. 959 00:44:13.409 --> 00:44:14.721 "This guy really put it to you. 960 00:44:14.755 --> 00:44:16.446 "It's probably gonna cost you about 1.7 million, 961 00:44:16.481 --> 00:44:17.516 "1.9 million. 962 00:44:17.551 --> 00:44:19.691 "Now, if you wouldn't have hired him, 963 00:44:19.726 --> 00:44:21.313 "it'd have been $7, but I can't do anything 964 00:44:21.348 --> 00:44:22.832 about it, Mr. Warren." 965 00:44:26.594 --> 00:44:28.804 Just dirtbags, right? Yeah. 966 00:44:28.838 --> 00:44:33.360 So I think we can agree, um, I'm not a laborer. 967 00:44:33.394 --> 00:44:35.431 Or a farmer. 968 00:44:35.465 --> 00:44:37.605 I'll tell you what I do do for a living. 969 00:44:37.640 --> 00:44:39.573 Travel. 970 00:44:39.607 --> 00:44:41.851 It's tougher. 971 00:44:41.886 --> 00:44:43.404 It's harder than all the other stuff. 972 00:44:43.439 --> 00:44:46.753 It is harder than ironworking or ironing or whatever. 973 00:44:49.479 --> 00:44:52.241 I mean, there's a lot of stuff you guys don't know about. 974 00:44:52.275 --> 00:44:54.208 You ever had an out-of-town haircut? 975 00:44:57.004 --> 00:44:59.558 Terrifying. 976 00:44:59.593 --> 00:45:00.767 'Cause sometimes, you know-- 977 00:45:00.801 --> 00:45:02.251 You guys probably just go to the same person. 978 00:45:02.285 --> 00:45:03.942 Sometimes I'm gone for eight weeks. 979 00:45:03.977 --> 00:45:05.150 I just gotta walk into this place 980 00:45:05.185 --> 00:45:06.634 that I have never been before and say, 981 00:45:06.669 --> 00:45:08.188 hey, can somebody cut my hair? 982 00:45:08.222 --> 00:45:10.086 When you do that, they're not-- 983 00:45:10.121 --> 00:45:11.570 you're not getting their best people. 984 00:45:11.605 --> 00:45:13.745 They're-- they got appointmentslined up for the day. 985 00:45:13.780 --> 00:45:16.265 They're like, "Uh, I guess Tammycan take care of you." 986 00:45:16.299 --> 00:45:19.751 Tammy's like, "I get to do it! I get to do it!" 987 00:45:19.786 --> 00:45:22.340 Tammy has never cut a head of hair in her life. 988 00:45:22.374 --> 00:45:24.894 I'm just sittin' there in the chair, terrified. 989 00:45:24.929 --> 00:45:26.758 Tammy's trying to make small talk with me. 990 00:45:26.793 --> 00:45:28.553 "So, where are you from?" No offense, Tammy. 991 00:45:28.587 --> 00:45:31.556 But I need you focused, all right? 992 00:45:31.590 --> 00:45:33.316 "What are your hobbies?"From the looks of this haircut, 993 00:45:33.351 --> 00:45:35.940 they're gonna be indoor hobbies for the next six weeks. 994 00:45:42.084 --> 00:45:44.189 The travel is like-- the travel's tough, man. 995 00:45:44.224 --> 00:45:46.398 It's tough. It's, uh, it's really tough. 996 00:45:46.433 --> 00:45:48.849 It's, uh-- I mean, I travel on the weekends. 997 00:45:48.884 --> 00:45:51.300 And I stay in hotels. That's fortunate. 998 00:45:51.334 --> 00:45:53.198 I'm lucky. You know, a lot of times they're nice. 999 00:45:53.233 --> 00:45:56.443 But that's when the groups are in the hotels. 1000 00:45:56.477 --> 00:45:59.170 The-- you know the groups, like the soccer kids. 1001 00:45:59.204 --> 00:46:01.275 I-I hate 'em. I hate 'em. 1002 00:46:01.310 --> 00:46:02.794 They just take over the hotel. 1003 00:46:02.829 --> 00:46:04.244 It's like they think they own the place. 1004 00:46:04.278 --> 00:46:05.901 They put signs up on all the doors. 1005 00:46:05.935 --> 00:46:08.662 "Good luck, Connor." "Good luck, Charlie." 1006 00:46:08.696 --> 00:46:11.838 "Good luck, Lincoln." [stammering] 1007 00:46:11.872 --> 00:46:14.185 I came home one night late-- and this really happened-- 1008 00:46:14.219 --> 00:46:16.635 from a show, and they accidentally put a sign up 1009 00:46:16.670 --> 00:46:20.605 on my door that said, "Good luck, Coach." 1010 00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:21.813 For about 6 seconds, I was like, 1011 00:46:21.848 --> 00:46:25.058 did I agree to coach a soccer team? 1012 00:46:25.092 --> 00:46:28.233 What I did do is I posted a cut list on my door. 1013 00:46:30.718 --> 00:46:32.686 It said, "The following team members, 1014 00:46:32.720 --> 00:46:35.965 "turn in your uniforms... 1015 00:46:36.000 --> 00:46:38.519 "and leave the hotel immediately. 1016 00:46:38.554 --> 00:46:40.349 Connor, Charlie, Lincoln." 1017 00:46:40.383 --> 00:46:43.110 I knew all their names 'cause they were on the door, right? 1018 00:46:43.145 --> 00:46:46.320 You're all bad at soccer. Go home. 1019 00:46:46.355 --> 00:46:48.460 Find a new activity. Preferably one 1020 00:46:48.495 --> 00:46:50.428 that does not involve travel. 1021 00:46:54.742 --> 00:46:56.917 Man, I was in a hotel on a weekend 1022 00:46:56.952 --> 00:46:59.333 and there was a farm group there. 1023 00:46:59.368 --> 00:47:00.990 Yeah, the junior farmers. 1024 00:47:01.025 --> 00:47:02.233 You guys know about these guys? 1025 00:47:02.267 --> 00:47:05.236 The FFA?[man] Whoo! 1026 00:47:05.270 --> 00:47:07.272 Yeah, you know the FFA? 1027 00:47:07.307 --> 00:47:09.585 Yeah, the Future Farmers of America. 1028 00:47:09.619 --> 00:47:11.380 The-- yeah, the Future Farm-- 1029 00:47:11.414 --> 00:47:12.795 I was in Indianapolis. 1030 00:47:12.830 --> 00:47:15.660 There were 50,000 future farmers there. 1031 00:47:15.694 --> 00:47:19.906 There's not that many futures in farming, okay? 1032 00:47:19.940 --> 00:47:21.839 They're lying to these kids. Some of 'em are gonna be 1033 00:47:21.873 --> 00:47:23.564 future Walgreen workers of America. 1034 00:47:23.599 --> 00:47:28.121 Like... and they all wear the same blue corduroy coat. 1035 00:47:28.155 --> 00:47:30.157 They got their name on the front 1036 00:47:30.192 --> 00:47:32.746 and their-- you know, their town on the back. 1037 00:47:32.780 --> 00:47:34.713 And it's just-- those are the same coats 1038 00:47:34.748 --> 00:47:36.301 they wore when I was in high school. 1039 00:47:36.336 --> 00:47:38.683 Come on, FFA. Arby's gets new uniforms 1040 00:47:38.717 --> 00:47:41.410 every two years. 1041 00:47:41.444 --> 00:47:43.412 I think the guy that founded FFA 1042 00:47:43.446 --> 00:47:46.104 grossly overestimated how popular it was gonna be 1043 00:47:46.139 --> 00:47:48.348 and made a volume deal on those coats. 1044 00:47:48.382 --> 00:47:52.766 "Eh, you knock a nickel offeach coat, I'll take 7 million." 1045 00:47:52.800 --> 00:47:54.388 "Can we get new coats?" "I'm still sittin' on 1046 00:47:54.423 --> 00:47:57.495 6.98 million. It's, uh..." 1047 00:47:57.529 --> 00:47:59.911 But I wanna say this about the FFA kids. 1048 00:47:59.946 --> 00:48:02.983 Like, they're the nicest kids you will ever meet. 1049 00:48:03.018 --> 00:48:04.951 For teenagers, they are-- yes.[applause] 1050 00:48:04.985 --> 00:48:07.919 They are-- yeah. 1051 00:48:07.954 --> 00:48:11.026 They are the nicest kids. 1052 00:48:11.060 --> 00:48:15.582 But, um... there's too many of 'em, okay? 1053 00:48:15.616 --> 00:48:17.929 There's too many of 'em. They clogged up the hotel. 1054 00:48:17.964 --> 00:48:19.655 The whole hotel was just corduroy. 1055 00:48:19.689 --> 00:48:22.175 Just... [imitating corduroy rubbing] 1056 00:48:22.209 --> 00:48:27.180 [continues imitating corduroy rubbing] 1057 00:48:27.214 --> 00:48:28.802 Just why do you have to stay in a hotel? 1058 00:48:28.836 --> 00:48:30.804 You're a farmer! Sleep outside! 1059 00:48:32.564 --> 00:48:35.429 I had to wait for an elevator for 30 minutes practically. 1060 00:48:35.464 --> 00:48:37.466 I'm like, it's not a grain elevator! 1061 00:48:37.500 --> 00:48:39.192 What are you loading, wheat up there? 1062 00:48:40.918 --> 00:48:43.403 I came downstairs to get my Starbucks the next morning. 1063 00:48:43.437 --> 00:48:45.439 There was like 50 farm kids in front of me, 1064 00:48:45.474 --> 00:48:46.820 just taking their time. I'm like, 1065 00:48:46.854 --> 00:48:49.340 they don't make corn lattes there, bean-picker junior! 1066 00:48:49.374 --> 00:48:52.205 Pick something! 1067 00:48:52.239 --> 00:48:54.034 Wrong choice of words with you guys. 1068 00:48:54.069 --> 00:48:55.863 "Select something." Uh... 1069 00:48:55.898 --> 00:48:58.832 [laughter] 1070 00:49:04.734 --> 00:49:07.220 You know, people ask me what the travel is like. 1071 00:49:07.254 --> 00:49:10.602 You know, "You travel, do you, uh, do you go on vacation? 1072 00:49:10.637 --> 00:49:11.949 'Cause you travel all the time."Like I do. 1073 00:49:11.983 --> 00:49:15.883 I like my vacation spots a little trashy, though. 1074 00:49:15.918 --> 00:49:17.644 I like 'em trashy, I do. 1075 00:49:17.678 --> 00:49:20.336 Like you ever heard a rich person bragging about their spot? 1076 00:49:20.371 --> 00:49:24.547 "Oh, it's a beautiful island. It's completely untouched." 1077 00:49:24.582 --> 00:49:27.516 I'm like, well... touch it. 1078 00:49:29.828 --> 00:49:31.106 That's why I go to Myrtle Beach. 1079 00:49:31.140 --> 00:49:32.624 Let me tell you something, they touched that place. 1080 00:49:32.659 --> 00:49:34.592 They touched it hard. They touched it, 1081 00:49:34.626 --> 00:49:36.145 and they just kept on touching it. 1082 00:49:36.180 --> 00:49:38.527 And they touched it--Like there's more go-kart tracks 1083 00:49:38.561 --> 00:49:41.668 there than there is sand, and I like it. 1084 00:49:41.702 --> 00:49:43.877 I like it, but I don't thinkthey understand their clientele 1085 00:49:43.911 --> 00:49:47.743 'cause I was there and like this one lady at the hotel 1086 00:49:47.777 --> 00:49:50.711 was like, "We have 24 water amenities on our property." 1087 00:49:50.746 --> 00:49:53.611 I was like, what is a water amenity? 1088 00:49:53.645 --> 00:49:56.855 You talkin' about like a drinking fountain? 1089 00:49:56.890 --> 00:49:59.168 There's no like pools and slides and the lazy river. 1090 00:49:59.203 --> 00:50:01.481 I was like, well, you should usethose terms with these people. 1091 00:50:01.515 --> 00:50:03.483 Like, I'm... I'm not trying to stereotype, 1092 00:50:03.517 --> 00:50:05.381 but that guy right there, he's got nine kids 1093 00:50:05.416 --> 00:50:07.280 under the age of 12 and they're all wearing 1094 00:50:07.314 --> 00:50:09.178 different liquor brand T-shirts. 1095 00:50:09.213 --> 00:50:10.938 Like he's not gonna get "amenity." 1096 00:50:10.973 --> 00:50:12.595 [mimics hillbilly accent] "I don't wanna go to a-menity. 1097 00:50:12.630 --> 00:50:13.872 "That don't sound like fun at all. 1098 00:50:13.907 --> 00:50:15.046 "I'm supposed to be on vacation. 1099 00:50:15.081 --> 00:50:16.565 "You don't make me go to a-menity. 1100 00:50:16.599 --> 00:50:18.463 "I don't wanna go to a-menity. I went to church on Sunday. 1101 00:50:18.498 --> 00:50:20.120 "I said four 'Hail Marys' and five a-menities. 1102 00:50:20.155 --> 00:50:21.328 And I ain't gonna say it again." 1103 00:50:21.363 --> 00:50:23.986 No, sir, it's another word for waterslide. 1104 00:50:24.021 --> 00:50:25.677 "Then why didn't you call it a waterslide? 1105 00:50:25.712 --> 00:50:27.265 "This is a trick. It's gonna be like that time 1106 00:50:27.300 --> 00:50:29.129 they told me I won free ticketsto Molly Hatchet, 1107 00:50:29.164 --> 00:50:30.544 "and I showed up and I had warrants. 1108 00:50:30.579 --> 00:50:32.477 "I ain't gonna fall for it. I ain't gonna fall for it. 1109 00:50:32.512 --> 00:50:34.514 "You can fool me once, well, twice. 1110 00:50:34.548 --> 00:50:35.860 "They got me with the Statler Brothers too, 1111 00:50:35.894 --> 00:50:37.517 but I shoulda known better on that one, I think." 1112 00:50:37.551 --> 00:50:40.485 [laughter] 1113 00:50:44.489 --> 00:50:47.354 I actually, I went on one... 1114 00:50:47.389 --> 00:50:49.977 one trip that wasn't trashy, one vacation spot. 1115 00:50:50.012 --> 00:50:51.807 It was Bermuda. 1116 00:50:51.841 --> 00:50:54.568 Yeah, you should go. It's beautiful. 1117 00:50:54.603 --> 00:50:56.363 It's also the shipwreck capital of the world. 1118 00:50:56.398 --> 00:51:00.643 I guess like 500 years ago, there was some pretty bad 1119 00:51:00.678 --> 00:51:03.612 ship drivers down there, 1120 00:51:03.646 --> 00:51:06.201 and they all just, they were hittin' stuff, you know? 1121 00:51:06.235 --> 00:51:08.582 And, and they all sank, and they're still down there. 1122 00:51:08.617 --> 00:51:10.101 You can just swim around and look at 'em, 1123 00:51:10.136 --> 00:51:12.483 and I did, but I felt guilty. 1124 00:51:12.517 --> 00:51:14.278 You know, like I'm on vacation, 1125 00:51:14.312 --> 00:51:18.040 look at the worst mistake somebody made in their life. 1126 00:51:18.075 --> 00:51:20.905 I mean, I made a lot of mistakesin my life, you know, I... 1127 00:51:20.939 --> 00:51:23.528 I totaled my dad's car when I was in high school. 1128 00:51:23.563 --> 00:51:25.668 And I got grounded, but... 1129 00:51:25.703 --> 00:51:28.637 they didn't turn it into a tourist destination. 1130 00:51:30.121 --> 00:51:32.330 If they did, I know who the tour guide would be-- 1131 00:51:32.365 --> 00:51:34.056 my dad. 1132 00:51:34.091 --> 00:51:35.540 The whole tour would be just him 1133 00:51:35.575 --> 00:51:36.921 telling everybody about his insurance rates. 1134 00:51:36.955 --> 00:51:39.855 "They more than doubled, the rates more than doubled! 1135 00:51:39.889 --> 00:51:41.684 You had to multiply it times two." 1136 00:51:41.719 --> 00:51:44.031 Then you go, Jerry, I think they know what doubled... 1137 00:51:44.066 --> 00:51:45.688 Colleen, I told you, this is my tour. 1138 00:51:45.723 --> 00:51:47.483 You wanna run a tour, you run your own tour. 1139 00:51:47.518 --> 00:51:50.003 Where was it? Yeah, yeah, rates more than doubled. 1140 00:51:50.037 --> 00:51:52.039 Then two weeks later, his idiot brother 1141 00:51:52.074 --> 00:51:53.938 wrecks another one of my cars. 1142 00:51:53.972 --> 00:51:57.286 Garry Lake calls me, he's beenmy insurance agent for 40 years. 1143 00:51:57.321 --> 00:51:59.150 He said, "Jerry, we gotta drop you. 1144 00:51:59.185 --> 00:52:00.669 You understand me? Drop you!" 1145 00:52:00.703 --> 00:52:02.153 I had the same guy for 40... 1146 00:52:02.188 --> 00:52:04.051 Jerry, I think they know what it means to be dropped. 1147 00:52:04.086 --> 00:52:07.365 Colleen, I told you this is my tour! 1148 00:52:07.400 --> 00:52:09.195 Not like you never made any mistakes in your life. 1149 00:52:09.229 --> 00:52:11.024 I made two mistakes in my life, 1150 00:52:11.058 --> 00:52:13.095 and neither one of those idiots can drive! 1151 00:52:13.130 --> 00:52:16.133 [laughter and applause] 1152 00:52:26.039 --> 00:52:30.319 I don't wanna keep coming back to this, but... 1153 00:52:30.354 --> 00:52:32.666 there's gotta be at least onegreen bean plant in Iowa, right? 1154 00:52:32.701 --> 00:52:34.703 Like these guys, they act like they never 1155 00:52:34.737 --> 00:52:36.843 have heard of that vegetable. 1156 00:52:36.877 --> 00:52:38.362 It's a very popular ve-- I-- I looked it up. 1157 00:52:38.396 --> 00:52:40.398 You know what the number-one green bean-producing state is? 1158 00:52:40.433 --> 00:52:43.021 Wisconsin. That touches Iowa. 1159 00:52:43.056 --> 00:52:44.506 They've heard of it. They're neighbors. 1160 00:52:44.540 --> 00:52:46.163 I live in Missouri. We touch Illinois. 1161 00:52:46.197 --> 00:52:48.717 I've heard of Abraham Lincoln, okay? 1162 00:52:48.751 --> 00:52:50.132 [laughter] 1163 00:52:50.167 --> 00:52:54.171 We also touch Kansas. I've heard of the band Kansas. 1164 00:52:58.175 --> 00:53:00.763 Here's the thing, man, I-I-- through all this, 1165 00:53:00.798 --> 00:53:02.627 I have learned some respect for farmers. 1166 00:53:02.662 --> 00:53:06.424 I couldn't do it. I mean, I havea plastic plant at my house. 1167 00:53:06.459 --> 00:53:08.564 I've learned a lot, though. I really have. 1168 00:53:08.599 --> 00:53:11.222 I said I travel. Lately, I-I travel 1169 00:53:11.257 --> 00:53:12.706 and then I try to go see a farm. 1170 00:53:12.741 --> 00:53:14.052 I've been to like five or six farms, 1171 00:53:14.087 --> 00:53:15.226 and I have learned some stuff. 1172 00:53:15.261 --> 00:53:16.641 I've learned some pretty cool stuff. 1173 00:53:16.676 --> 00:53:20.645 I learned about, uh, it's not just field and sweet, 1174 00:53:20.680 --> 00:53:21.888 there's seed corn. 1175 00:53:21.922 --> 00:53:23.855 Now, the seed corn farmers, they just, 1176 00:53:23.890 --> 00:53:26.237 they do this thing called detasseling, okay? 1177 00:53:26.272 --> 00:53:29.965 What they do is, every year, right around August, 1178 00:53:29.999 --> 00:53:32.278 they go up and down all the cornrows, 1179 00:53:32.312 --> 00:53:35.384 and they have to snip off the male part of the corn, 1180 00:53:35.419 --> 00:53:40.700 the tassel, and they have to get 99.7% of these tassels 1181 00:53:40.734 --> 00:53:41.873 or it doesn't work. 1182 00:53:41.908 --> 00:53:44.738 And to perform this very precise operation, 1183 00:53:44.773 --> 00:53:48.984 they hire teenagers and ex-convicts, 1184 00:53:49.018 --> 00:53:53.057 two groups not known for makingany mistakes in their lives. 1185 00:53:53.091 --> 00:53:55.093 I swear to you, they do it. They send their kids 1186 00:53:55.128 --> 00:53:57.406 out under the corn fields on a school bus 1187 00:53:57.441 --> 00:53:59.132 with convicted felons. 1188 00:53:59.166 --> 00:54:01.721 What could go wrong? "How was it, son?" 1189 00:54:01.755 --> 00:54:03.688 "It was great, Dad. One-Eyed Pete showed us 1190 00:54:03.723 --> 00:54:06.035 "how to make a shiv out of a corncob. 1191 00:54:06.070 --> 00:54:08.037 "He shanked the bus driver. I think he's going 1192 00:54:08.072 --> 00:54:10.557 back to the joint to do another nickel-dime stretch." 1193 00:54:10.592 --> 00:54:13.526 [laughter] 1194 00:54:16.322 --> 00:54:18.289 And I learned-- I came over here to Illinois, 1195 00:54:18.324 --> 00:54:20.326 and a guy taught me about cover crops. 1196 00:54:20.360 --> 00:54:23.190 Now, cover crops,that's a thing, sometimes they-- 1197 00:54:23.225 --> 00:54:25.400 they just plant stuff and they don't use it. 1198 00:54:25.434 --> 00:54:27.540 They just use it to make the ground healthier. 1199 00:54:27.574 --> 00:54:29.507 They just till it underneath the ground. 1200 00:54:29.542 --> 00:54:30.646 That's awesome. 1201 00:54:30.681 --> 00:54:32.579 I mean, if I was a farmer, 1202 00:54:32.614 --> 00:54:34.754 built-in excuse, right, for a bad crop. 1203 00:54:34.788 --> 00:54:36.894 "Greg, your cantaloupes look terrible." 1204 00:54:36.928 --> 00:54:38.378 "Those are 'coverloupes.'" 1205 00:54:38.413 --> 00:54:40.656 [laughter] 1206 00:54:40.691 --> 00:54:42.244 "All your crops look terrible." 1207 00:54:42.279 --> 00:54:44.557 "They're all cover crops this year." 1208 00:54:44.591 --> 00:54:46.283 "You didn't say anything about that during the spring." 1209 00:54:46.317 --> 00:54:48.319 "That's 'cause they're undercover crops." 1210 00:54:48.354 --> 00:54:51.288 [laughter and applause] 1211 00:54:54.049 --> 00:54:55.533 So I appreciate the farmers. 1212 00:54:55.568 --> 00:54:59.226 But I mean, farmers, we do stuff for you guys, too. 1213 00:54:59.261 --> 00:55:03.161 I mean, we eat a lot of your stuff, but... 1214 00:55:03.196 --> 00:55:05.163 aside from that, we do stuff. 1215 00:55:05.198 --> 00:55:07.096 Daylight savings time... 1216 00:55:07.131 --> 00:55:09.478 [scattered laughter] 1217 00:55:09.513 --> 00:55:12.654 ...you're welcome, okay? 'Cause... 1218 00:55:12.688 --> 00:55:14.207 that's a hardship for us. 1219 00:55:14.241 --> 00:55:17.210 'Cause in the Midwest, you know,it gets dark in December 1220 00:55:17.244 --> 00:55:20.144 at about 3:45, and we're all sad. 1221 00:55:20.178 --> 00:55:21.525 We're all depressed. 1222 00:55:21.559 --> 00:55:24.873 You know, we're all borderline suicidal. 1223 00:55:24.907 --> 00:55:26.806 We all have seasonal effectiveness disorder 1224 00:55:26.840 --> 00:55:29.912 which should be called farmer's disease and... 1225 00:55:29.947 --> 00:55:33.122 we do that so the farmers can have a couple extra hours 1226 00:55:33.157 --> 00:55:35.608 to plant stuff in the summer, and that's fine, that's fine. 1227 00:55:35.642 --> 00:55:38.231 But... they better be using it, all right? 1228 00:55:38.265 --> 00:55:41.821 Like I'm... I'm driving bysome of these farms this summer, 1229 00:55:41.855 --> 00:55:43.650 and if it's light out and they're not out there, 1230 00:55:43.685 --> 00:55:46.032 I'm knockin' on some doors, okay? 1231 00:55:46.066 --> 00:55:48.379 Hey, hey, hey, we weren't all sad for six months 1232 00:55:48.414 --> 00:55:50.519 so you can sit insideand watch "Hee Haw," all right? 1233 00:55:50.554 --> 00:55:53.350 You get out there and you farm something. 1234 00:55:53.384 --> 00:55:56.249 Half the country's on Zoloft because of you guys. 1235 00:56:03.912 --> 00:56:07.260 And... I went back. 1236 00:56:07.294 --> 00:56:09.089 I went back to Iowa. 1237 00:56:09.124 --> 00:56:12.023 I went to a soybean farm. 1238 00:56:12.058 --> 00:56:14.371 Face-to-face with the bean pickers. 1239 00:56:14.405 --> 00:56:16.718 And I met a soybean farmer, 1240 00:56:16.752 --> 00:56:18.961 and he told me about crop rotation. 1241 00:56:18.996 --> 00:56:21.826 So I guess you can't plant the same crop 1242 00:56:21.861 --> 00:56:24.415 on the same piece of land two seasons in a row. 1243 00:56:24.450 --> 00:56:26.935 And... they take it seriously. 1244 00:56:26.969 --> 00:56:28.281 He's like, oh, you don't go bean-on-bean. 1245 00:56:28.315 --> 00:56:30.525 You don't do it. You do not go bean-on-bean. 1246 00:56:30.559 --> 00:56:33.148 You can't go bean-on-bean. That's just-- it's not right. 1247 00:56:33.182 --> 00:56:34.632 It's not farming. You don't go bean-on-bean. 1248 00:56:34.667 --> 00:56:37.532 You don't-- you don't do that. It's not-- it's not farming. 1249 00:56:37.566 --> 00:56:40.017 I'm like, does anybody? Pssh... 1250 00:56:40.051 --> 00:56:43.572 Elmer down the road, bean on bean on bean on bean. 1251 00:56:43.607 --> 00:56:45.091 It's a disgrace. It's not farming, okay? 1252 00:56:45.125 --> 00:56:46.644 It's an embarrassment to the community, 1253 00:56:46.679 --> 00:56:47.921 I'll tell you that. 1254 00:56:47.956 --> 00:56:49.440 Guy probably didn't rotate his tires 1255 00:56:49.475 --> 00:56:50.786 or his undershirts either. 1256 00:56:53.651 --> 00:56:55.239 And then they told me about soybeans. 1257 00:56:55.273 --> 00:56:56.620 Like I didn't know all this stuff. 1258 00:56:56.654 --> 00:56:58.932 They just-- they-- I justthought you eat 'em or whatever. 1259 00:56:58.967 --> 00:57:01.314 They make a lot of stuff. Ink, a lot of ink 1260 00:57:01.348 --> 00:57:03.316 comes from soybeans, did you know that? 1261 00:57:03.350 --> 00:57:05.007 A lot of the ink you use comes from soybeans. 1262 00:57:05.042 --> 00:57:07.009 And it makes a lot of sense. 1263 00:57:07.044 --> 00:57:08.528 You ever been writing with a pen 1264 00:57:08.563 --> 00:57:11.497 and it runs out of ink way before the other pens? 1265 00:57:14.465 --> 00:57:16.398 That's bean-on-bean ink right there. 1266 00:57:16.433 --> 00:57:19.953 Like that's...[laughter] 1267 00:57:19.988 --> 00:57:22.128 [cheering and applause] 1268 00:57:22.162 --> 00:57:24.406 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 1269 00:57:24.441 --> 00:57:26.028 [cheering and applause] 1270 00:57:26.063 --> 00:57:28.272 ♪♪Thank you. 1271 00:57:28.306 --> 00:57:31.240 [music continues] 1272 00:57:36.798 --> 00:57:39.456 I farm with corn and soybeans and a little hay. 1273 00:57:39.490 --> 00:57:42.942 We had a couple of male cows, chickens. 1274 00:57:42.976 --> 00:57:44.978 Soybeans, corn, and five chickens. 1275 00:57:45.013 --> 00:57:46.014 Hogs. 1276 00:57:46.048 --> 00:57:47.049 Beans and corn. 1277 00:57:47.084 --> 00:57:48.223 Beef cows. 1278 00:57:48.257 --> 00:57:49.707 Try to get out early 1279 00:57:49.742 --> 00:57:51.847 and get a little corn planted, some soybeans. 1280 00:57:51.882 --> 00:57:53.400 Do a little wheat. 1281 00:57:53.435 --> 00:57:54.885 We farm corn and soybeans. 1282 00:57:54.919 --> 00:57:55.955 Corn and beans. 1283 00:57:55.989 --> 00:57:57.059 Corn and soybeans. 1284 00:57:57.094 --> 00:57:59.855 We raise corn and beans... 1285 00:57:59.890 --> 00:58:01.374 and a big garden. 1286 00:58:01.408 --> 00:58:04.411 I-I don't think Greg Warren knows anything about farming. 1287 00:58:04.446 --> 00:58:06.275 I hope he's funny. I left the farm for him. 1288 00:58:06.310 --> 00:58:07.518 I just hope he's funny. 1289 00:58:07.553 --> 00:58:09.520 I hope he's as funny as Larry the Cable Man. 1290 00:58:09.555 --> 00:58:11.211 [laughs] He definitely doesn't know 1291 00:58:11.246 --> 00:58:12.730 what he's talking about. 1292 00:58:12.765 --> 00:58:15.733 [engine sputtering] 1293 00:58:15.768 --> 00:58:18.771 ♪♪