1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:27,096 --> 00:00:29,753 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Warren! 4 00:00:29,788 --> 00:00:32,756 [cheering and applause] 5 00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:35,966 [Greg Warren] Hey, thank you. 6 00:00:36,001 --> 00:00:37,934 That's great. 7 00:00:37,968 --> 00:00:42,663 So, this thing all started a while ago. 8 00:00:42,697 --> 00:00:46,253 I was in Iowa. And I was doing a show. 9 00:00:46,287 --> 00:00:50,291 And there was a bunch of farmersin the crowd and... 10 00:00:50,326 --> 00:00:51,810 I don't know anything about farming. 11 00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:53,674 So, I asked this guy, I go, "What do you farm?" 12 00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:58,334 He goes, "Beans." And I said, 13 00:00:58,368 --> 00:01:01,854 "Like, green beans?" 14 00:01:01,889 --> 00:01:03,960 And they all started laughing at me 15 00:01:03,994 --> 00:01:05,962 like I was the dumbest person they'd ever met. 16 00:01:05,996 --> 00:01:08,102 "He thinks we grow green beans in Iowa! 17 00:01:08,137 --> 00:01:11,657 "Oh, that's a good one there, green bean! 18 00:01:11,692 --> 00:01:13,418 "Green beans in Iowa, don't that beat all! 19 00:01:13,452 --> 00:01:15,144 This fella is a comedian, I'll tell you!" 20 00:01:15,178 --> 00:01:18,181 It was soybeans, all right, it was soybeans, I... 21 00:01:18,216 --> 00:01:20,114 I didn't know, I didn't know. By the way, green beans. 22 00:01:20,149 --> 00:01:23,013 That's not that ridiculous of an answer. 23 00:01:23,048 --> 00:01:25,671 That's a real food. I've eaten them before. 24 00:01:25,706 --> 00:01:29,572 I didn't say jelly beans, okay.I said... 25 00:01:29,606 --> 00:01:31,056 I said a legitimate vegetable. 26 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,437 I don't know what the plants look like. 27 00:01:32,471 --> 00:01:36,372 I mean, I know corn. Like, I, I know corn. 28 00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:40,755 Like, I-- I could pick corn out of a lineup, but... 29 00:01:40,790 --> 00:01:42,895 Past that, I'm not gonna lie to you guys, I get confused. 30 00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:44,897 I'm like, "Is that a potato tree?" 31 00:01:44,932 --> 00:01:48,556 I can't tell. I'm not sure. 32 00:01:48,591 --> 00:01:50,524 You should be nice to peoplewhen they don't know something. 33 00:01:50,558 --> 00:01:52,146 That's how I was brought up. 34 00:01:52,181 --> 00:01:54,907 You know, I live in the suburbs of St. Louis. 35 00:01:54,942 --> 00:01:58,359 I hope one of those farm guys comes to the suburbs sometime. 36 00:01:58,394 --> 00:02:02,018 Maybe I won't be so nice to him.I'll take him to do like some, 37 00:02:02,052 --> 00:02:06,091 you know, suburb stuff or whatever, I... 38 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,851 I'll take him to the Texas Roadhouse. 39 00:02:07,886 --> 00:02:10,164 He won't know what to do there. 40 00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:12,166 "Where's the bowl for the peanut shells?" 41 00:02:12,201 --> 00:02:13,926 "You throw 'em on the floor, dummy! 42 00:02:13,961 --> 00:02:16,066 Ha! Ha! Ha!" 43 00:02:16,101 --> 00:02:20,416 "You don't know what to do in the suburbs, you stupid bean picker!" 44 00:02:20,450 --> 00:02:22,763 I'll take him to Starbucks. "I'll take a large coffee." 45 00:02:22,797 --> 00:02:26,318 "It's called Venti here. Venti, dirt digger! 46 00:02:26,353 --> 00:02:27,664 "Don't be ordering beans either. 47 00:02:27,699 --> 00:02:30,011 "They got beans here, but they're coffee beans. 48 00:02:30,046 --> 00:02:34,188 Arabica, Robusta. No soy!" 49 00:02:34,223 --> 00:02:36,017 Then the barista will be like, "Well, technically, 50 00:02:36,052 --> 00:02:38,192 we have soybeans in soy lattes." 51 00:02:38,227 --> 00:02:40,298 And I'll be like, "You shut your mouth, hippie. 52 00:02:40,332 --> 00:02:43,611 "All right, you don't take sidesagainst your own kind. 53 00:02:43,646 --> 00:02:45,406 We're on the same team." 54 00:02:45,441 --> 00:02:48,789 [audience laughter] 55 00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:52,931 So, I told that story later 56 00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,209 and this lady came up to me after the show. 57 00:02:55,244 --> 00:02:57,453 She goes, "Hey, I'm a farmer." 58 00:02:57,487 --> 00:03:00,525 She goes, "Don't feel bad about the beans." 59 00:03:00,559 --> 00:03:02,596 She goes, "I met this guy the other day. 60 00:03:02,630 --> 00:03:05,737 He didn't know the difference between field corn 61 00:03:05,771 --> 00:03:08,222 and sweet corn." 62 00:03:08,257 --> 00:03:11,743 [audience laughter] 63 00:03:11,777 --> 00:03:14,780 [scattered applause] 64 00:03:14,815 --> 00:03:18,819 [nervous laugh] 65 00:03:18,853 --> 00:03:21,925 "What a dummy! 66 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,307 "You know how earlier when I said I know corn? 67 00:03:24,342 --> 00:03:27,241 I... I don't." 68 00:03:27,276 --> 00:03:28,622 They're like, "There's two different kinds." 69 00:03:28,656 --> 00:03:31,832 I'm like, "Yeah, on the cob and... 70 00:03:31,866 --> 00:03:35,525 not on the cob." They're like, "No, it's field and sweet." 71 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,632 I'm like, "Oh, sweet. You're talking about kettle corn, I've had it, yeah." 72 00:03:41,393 --> 00:03:43,878 So, if you don't know the difference 73 00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:47,261 between field corn and sweet corn, field corn, 74 00:03:47,296 --> 00:03:49,746 that's what they grind up and they feed to the animals 75 00:03:49,781 --> 00:03:51,921 and sweet corn, that's what we eat. 76 00:03:51,955 --> 00:03:54,958 And once they explain it, it's very easy to remember 77 00:03:54,993 --> 00:03:58,893 because field corn is grown in a field. 78 00:03:58,928 --> 00:04:01,137 Whereas sweet corn is grown in a field. 79 00:04:01,171 --> 00:04:05,279 So, you can see these farmers make it real easy 80 00:04:05,314 --> 00:04:08,144 to understand their stock. 81 00:04:08,178 --> 00:04:11,458 When I was in Iowa, I went to the restaurant, 82 00:04:11,492 --> 00:04:13,908 and on the front page of the menu it said, uh, 83 00:04:13,943 --> 00:04:17,187 "We make our own ketchups." 84 00:04:17,222 --> 00:04:20,363 They were bragging about their homemade ketchup. 85 00:04:20,398 --> 00:04:24,160 Honestly, I'm not sure that I knew ketchup was made. 86 00:04:24,194 --> 00:04:27,784 I think... I think I thought that was an element. 87 00:04:27,819 --> 00:04:31,305 I thought that was K on the periodic table. 88 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:33,652 It turns out that's potassium, which makes no sense at all. 89 00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:35,689 There's not even a K in that word. 90 00:04:35,723 --> 00:04:38,623 What, now you're gonna tell me R-N is not for Ranch Dressing? 91 00:04:38,657 --> 00:04:42,040 Why don't you take a science class? 92 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:45,215 I tried one of their homemade ketchups, it was not good. 93 00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:49,323 Now, granted, I think it was field ketchup, but... 94 00:04:49,358 --> 00:04:52,706 [laughter, scattered applause] 95 00:04:55,053 --> 00:04:57,538 So... [chuckling] 96 00:04:57,573 --> 00:05:00,300 I, yeah, I don't know a lot about farming, 97 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,992 I guess you can see, I mean... 98 00:05:03,026 --> 00:05:05,650 The closest thing that I do to farming on a regular basis 99 00:05:05,684 --> 00:05:08,100 is sometimes when I'm at the grocery store, 100 00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:11,380 I'll buy stuff out of the bulk bins. 101 00:05:11,414 --> 00:05:13,934 [scattered chuckling] 102 00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:15,660 I'm not saying it's as hard as farming, 103 00:05:15,694 --> 00:05:17,731 I'm just saying there's a lot of similarities. 104 00:05:17,765 --> 00:05:21,873 You gotta shovel out the walnuts, you know... 105 00:05:21,907 --> 00:05:23,357 You gotta put the walnuts in a bag. 106 00:05:23,392 --> 00:05:25,048 You gotta weigh the bag. 107 00:05:25,083 --> 00:05:27,844 Farmers are always weighing stuff, you gotta... 108 00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:29,743 You gotta write the POU code number on the bag. 109 00:05:29,777 --> 00:05:31,365 A lot of times there's not even a pen 110 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,471 to write that POU code number on the bag. 111 00:05:33,505 --> 00:05:34,989 So you take it up to the register. 112 00:05:35,024 --> 00:05:37,129 The lady's like, "You're supposed to write the code number on the bag!" 113 00:05:37,164 --> 00:05:38,683 I'm like, "Lady, there's not a pen 114 00:05:38,717 --> 00:05:39,994 to write that code number." 115 00:05:40,029 --> 00:05:42,100 Honestly, now that I think about it, it's probably 116 00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:45,345 harder than farming, you know, like... 117 00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,829 You don't have all those steps in farming. 118 00:05:46,863 --> 00:05:50,246 You don't have to deal with that lady and... 119 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,697 Why do I have to write the codenumber on the bag anyway? 120 00:05:52,731 --> 00:05:55,009 They're walnuts!If you work at a grocery store, 121 00:05:55,044 --> 00:05:57,909 you should be able to identify a walnut. 122 00:05:57,943 --> 00:05:59,669 That should be part of the hiring process. 123 00:05:59,704 --> 00:06:01,706 "What's that right there?" Oh, that's a pecan." 124 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:05,641 "No, you can't work here, man, you're fired." 125 00:06:05,675 --> 00:06:07,125 But they were like, "No, we gotta know whether 126 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:09,955 they're organic walnuts or regular walnuts." 127 00:06:09,990 --> 00:06:13,096 I'm like, "Well, organic walnutsare 78 bucks a pound, 128 00:06:13,131 --> 00:06:15,340 and I'm not a Saudi Arabian prince, 129 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,274 so I'm pretty sure... 130 00:06:18,308 --> 00:06:19,724 they're not organic walnuts." 131 00:06:19,758 --> 00:06:21,967 There's, like, six guys in the world who can afford organic 132 00:06:22,002 --> 00:06:25,212 walnuts and none of them just used a frequent shopper card. 133 00:06:25,246 --> 00:06:29,389 [laughter] 134 00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:34,359 [cheering and applause] 135 00:06:36,603 --> 00:06:38,121 Thank you, thank you. 136 00:06:38,156 --> 00:06:41,021 Yeah, so... 137 00:06:41,055 --> 00:06:45,681 Like, the first farmer that I really ever knew was through wrestling. 138 00:06:45,715 --> 00:06:48,822 I was a wrestler when I was in college and... 139 00:06:48,856 --> 00:06:50,893 [scattered whistles]Yeah... 140 00:06:50,927 --> 00:06:55,207 My senior year, my coach called me in for a meeting. 141 00:06:55,242 --> 00:06:57,175 He goes, "Warren." He goes, "You need more 142 00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,315 competition in the practice room." 143 00:06:59,349 --> 00:07:01,248 He goes, "This is what we're doing this year. 144 00:07:01,282 --> 00:07:04,182 "We're bringing in this guy named Steve. He's a local farmer. 145 00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:08,082 He used to wrestle back in the day. He was real good." 146 00:07:08,117 --> 00:07:11,431 I'm like, "All right, I'll wrestle Farmer Steve." 147 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,571 [laughter] 148 00:07:13,605 --> 00:07:14,951 Steve shows up the first day. 149 00:07:14,986 --> 00:07:19,369 He's old, he's like 45, all right? 150 00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:22,476 When you see a guy that's 45 and you're 20, 151 00:07:22,511 --> 00:07:24,305 you're like, "I'm not gonna wrestle that guy! 152 00:07:24,340 --> 00:07:27,239 I'll play checkers with him or something like that." 153 00:07:27,274 --> 00:07:29,345 So, for the first, like, hour of practice, 154 00:07:29,379 --> 00:07:32,521 Steve just sits down on the wall like an old guy. 155 00:07:32,555 --> 00:07:36,939 Finally Coach goes, "Warren, wrestle Steve." 156 00:07:36,973 --> 00:07:38,803 I go, "Steve, you want to warm up?" 157 00:07:38,837 --> 00:07:40,218 Steve goes like this, he goes... 158 00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:47,018 That's not a wrestling stance. 159 00:07:47,052 --> 00:07:49,641 I look at my buddy, I go, "I don't want to hurt this old dude." 160 00:07:49,676 --> 00:07:51,712 And then they blew the whistle.Steve jumped about 161 00:07:51,747 --> 00:07:53,196 a foot and a half in the air. 162 00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:55,475 He grabbed me by my chin and my head. 163 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,374 He threw me on the mat and proceeded to beat me, 164 00:07:58,408 --> 00:08:00,480 like beat me. Like, when I say beat me, 165 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,482 I don't mean he scored more points than me. 166 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,276 He physically beat me. 167 00:08:04,311 --> 00:08:07,797 It was like he beat me over the head with me, all right? 168 00:08:07,832 --> 00:08:12,630 Come to find out Steve is on the Olympic team in 1980. 169 00:08:12,664 --> 00:08:14,528 Nobody told me that. 170 00:08:14,563 --> 00:08:17,082 You guys remember what happened in 1980? 171 00:08:17,117 --> 00:08:18,981 We boycotted. We didn't go. 172 00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:23,779 And apparently Steve was still angry about it. 173 00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:26,333 I was on the bottom, like, "Steve, I'm not Jimmy Carter, 174 00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:28,473 I had nothing to do..." 175 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:32,546 [laughter, scattered applause] 176 00:08:32,581 --> 00:08:35,584 If you guys don't remember whathappened in 1980, that summer, 177 00:08:35,618 --> 00:08:38,207 the Olympics were in Moscow, and in the spring, 178 00:08:38,241 --> 00:08:39,933 the Russians invaded Afghanistan. 179 00:08:39,967 --> 00:08:42,832 And our president said, "Hey, if you guys don't get 180 00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:45,041 out of Afghanistan, we're not going to the Olympics." 181 00:08:45,076 --> 00:08:47,596 Now what he could of done, was just sent 182 00:08:47,630 --> 00:08:50,806 Steve to Afghanistan. 183 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,808 He would've handled that situation in about a half an hour. 184 00:08:52,842 --> 00:08:54,637 [with accent] "No more Steve! Very bad man! 185 00:08:54,672 --> 00:08:56,328 "No more Steve! We quit, we quit. 186 00:08:56,363 --> 00:08:58,710 "You have Afghanistan. You have Russia if you want! 187 00:08:58,745 --> 00:09:01,057 "Just for God sake, please, no more Steve. 188 00:09:01,092 --> 00:09:03,577 Very, very bad man, Steve." 189 00:09:06,753 --> 00:09:09,583 So, yeah, man, that's, uh... 190 00:09:09,618 --> 00:09:12,172 That's my limitation of farm knowledge. 191 00:09:12,206 --> 00:09:14,139 Steve, you know? 192 00:09:14,174 --> 00:09:16,832 And it wasn't pleasant. 193 00:09:16,866 --> 00:09:19,006 But I've been trying to learn, I've been trying to learn. 194 00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:22,803 Ever since those bean pickers made fun of me, 195 00:09:22,838 --> 00:09:24,529 I've been learning.I've already learned some stuff. 196 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,358 I learned this, um, corn. 197 00:09:26,393 --> 00:09:29,499 That is the number one cash cropin the United States. 198 00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:34,332 I didn't know that, mostly 'cause I don't know what a cash crop is. 199 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:37,266 I think it means, like, corn,that's a very popular vegetable, 200 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:39,164 so the corn farmers, they only accept 201 00:09:39,199 --> 00:09:42,823 cash, whereas... 202 00:09:42,858 --> 00:09:47,034 Your lesser vegetables, like a Brussels sprout, they'll take Diners Club. 203 00:09:47,069 --> 00:09:49,209 You could use a TJ Maxx card 204 00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:52,557 for some asparagus, I'm pretty sure. 205 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,248 I also learned this. If you're hanging out 206 00:09:54,283 --> 00:09:56,561 with a bunch of farmers and oneof them has their fly down, 207 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,219 just say, "Hey, man, your fly's down." 208 00:09:59,253 --> 00:10:02,602 Don't say, "Somebody forgot to shut the barn door!" 209 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,535 They flip out."Randy, I told you to shut that! 210 00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:07,779 That's our livelihood!" 211 00:10:07,814 --> 00:10:11,334 [laughter] 212 00:10:18,479 --> 00:10:21,137 I, uh, and I've been visiting places. 213 00:10:21,172 --> 00:10:26,108 I actually went to a farm festival here in Illinois, 214 00:10:26,142 --> 00:10:29,042 a little bit south of here, in Millstadt, Illinois. 215 00:10:29,076 --> 00:10:31,665 And it was, like, it was cool. They had all this farm stuff. 216 00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:33,598 There was like a thousand peoplethere, I took my niece. 217 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,048 It was cool. We did farm stuff. 218 00:10:35,082 --> 00:10:39,328 Like, uh, we went in a corn maze, um... 219 00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:41,986 It was tough. You know, it was hard. 220 00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:44,471 It was way harder than the cabbage maze. 221 00:10:44,505 --> 00:10:46,093 I mean, that was... 222 00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:48,924 [laughter] 223 00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:53,169 I can see it all from here! 224 00:10:53,204 --> 00:10:55,931 We, uh, and you know, 225 00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:58,381 we sat on a hay bale and watched a country band. 226 00:10:58,416 --> 00:11:00,452 And that's the only chairs they have 227 00:11:00,487 --> 00:11:02,662 at a farm festival is a hay bale. 228 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,940 I felt guilty 'cause, you know, the horse 229 00:11:04,974 --> 00:11:08,357 is probably looking at you like,"Yeah, man, um... 230 00:11:08,391 --> 00:11:10,877 "I was gonna eat that. 231 00:11:10,911 --> 00:11:12,430 "You know, you sit on me all day long, 232 00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:13,673 "now you wanna sit on my food. 233 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:14,812 "Anything else you wanna sit on? 234 00:11:14,846 --> 00:11:16,468 "Oh, hey, those are pony rides over there. 235 00:11:16,503 --> 00:11:18,885 You want to sit on my kids. Thanks a lot, you jerk." 236 00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:25,546 But we're sitting on this, uh,we're sitting on this hay bale, 237 00:11:25,581 --> 00:11:26,720 and this guy comes up, he goes, 238 00:11:26,755 --> 00:11:31,104 "They're getting ready to shoot the pumpkin!" 239 00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:34,417 I don't know what that means, but I'm in, it sounds... 240 00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:36,523 They wheel out this giant cannon. 241 00:11:36,557 --> 00:11:38,628 It was like a war cannon. 242 00:11:38,663 --> 00:11:42,149 And they just put a pumpkin in it and they shot it. 243 00:11:42,184 --> 00:11:46,153 Far, and high, and fast, 244 00:11:46,188 --> 00:11:49,191 and beautiful, like... 245 00:11:49,225 --> 00:11:51,020 I went to the Grand Canyon a couple months ago, 246 00:11:51,055 --> 00:11:54,161 and if you haven't been, go 'cause it's breathtaking. 247 00:11:54,196 --> 00:11:56,646 But after about six minutes there I was like, 248 00:11:56,681 --> 00:11:58,890 "I wish they had a pumpkin cannon." 249 00:11:58,925 --> 00:12:00,961 I mean, this is... 250 00:12:00,996 --> 00:12:03,446 It's nice and all, but after a while it's just rocks. 251 00:12:03,481 --> 00:12:07,761 I mean, shoot some vegetables, give me some action! 252 00:12:07,796 --> 00:12:09,936 I'm not a dad, if I was a dad, I would be honest. 253 00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:12,662 I would be honest. I'd be like, "You know, my child was born today. 254 00:12:12,697 --> 00:12:16,770 "Today was the greatest day of my life 255 00:12:16,805 --> 00:12:18,738 except for when I saw that pumpkin cannon 256 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:19,877 in Millstadt, Illinois. That was way better. 257 00:12:19,911 --> 00:12:23,535 That was, that was way better, I mean..." 258 00:12:23,570 --> 00:12:25,296 I mean, I would be honest. Dads, whenever dads start 259 00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:26,538 talking about the greatest day of their life, 260 00:12:26,573 --> 00:12:28,575 they always backtrack, you know? 261 00:12:28,609 --> 00:12:32,268 "The Cardinals won the World Series, this is the greatest day of my life! 262 00:12:32,303 --> 00:12:34,892 "You know, except for my wedding day, and uh, 263 00:12:34,926 --> 00:12:36,307 "the birth of my three children. 264 00:12:36,341 --> 00:12:40,656 That was better, definitely. My wife's not here, is she?" 265 00:12:40,690 --> 00:12:42,209 At least once I'd like to hear some guy, 266 00:12:42,244 --> 00:12:43,659 "The Cardinals won the World Series! 267 00:12:43,693 --> 00:12:46,869 "This is ten times better than when my stupid kid was born. 268 00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:49,838 "I mean, I love my kid, but theday he was born, I just met him. 269 00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:52,910 I've been a Cardinals fan for 54 years, man!" 270 00:12:52,944 --> 00:12:56,776 [laughter and applause] 271 00:13:00,365 --> 00:13:02,782 My dad's a big St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan. 272 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,888 He loves 'em. Yeah, I mean... 273 00:13:05,923 --> 00:13:07,372 He really likes the baseball. 274 00:13:07,407 --> 00:13:10,410 But, more importantly, the Cardinals have this promotion 275 00:13:10,444 --> 00:13:15,311 where if they score six or more runs in a game, 276 00:13:15,346 --> 00:13:19,799 he gets his coffee the next dayat the gas station for 39 cents. 277 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,802 And, normally, I think it's about 59 cents. 278 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:26,081 So you can see it's very important to him. 279 00:13:26,115 --> 00:13:29,774 It's a big part of his life and... 280 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,880 We're watching the game onetime, and it's late in the game. 281 00:13:31,914 --> 00:13:34,399 The Cardinals, they're winning like five to nothing. 282 00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,781 And I think like, bottom of theeighth or something. 283 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,403 And basically, they had the game won. 284 00:13:38,438 --> 00:13:43,201 But he's locked in 'cause he hadn't gotten his coffee yet. 285 00:13:43,236 --> 00:13:45,652 And our best hitter came up, and he grounded it 286 00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:47,274 into a double play to end the inning. 287 00:13:47,309 --> 00:13:49,414 And my dad looked at me, he goes, 288 00:13:49,449 --> 00:13:51,554 "Seems kind of fishy, huh?" 289 00:13:51,589 --> 00:13:54,385 [laughter] 290 00:13:56,939 --> 00:14:00,632 "Yeah, they're point shaving, Dad, they're point shaving, yeah. 291 00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:05,154 "Yeah, the Cardinals are incollusion with Mobil On The Run 292 00:14:05,189 --> 00:14:08,261 so you don't save 20 cents on your coffee tomorrow. 293 00:14:08,295 --> 00:14:10,056 Like, I would call the FBI, Dad. 294 00:14:10,090 --> 00:14:13,473 This has gotta go to the top. This is important. 295 00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:16,925 This is the next Chicago White Sox scandal, I think. 296 00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:20,894 [laughter and applause] 297 00:14:24,933 --> 00:14:27,970 Yeah, my uh, my dad, uh... 298 00:14:28,005 --> 00:14:29,972 he was the high school wrestling coach. 299 00:14:30,007 --> 00:14:32,492 He was my wrestling coach in high school. 300 00:14:32,526 --> 00:14:34,943 It was pretty cool 'cause, um, 301 00:14:34,977 --> 00:14:38,256 I was like one of the only white guys on the team. 302 00:14:38,291 --> 00:14:42,260 And so, when I-- you know, your first day of high school 303 00:14:42,295 --> 00:14:44,469 when you're a freshman, you're really nervous and scared. 304 00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:47,783 I wasn't, 'cause I knew all the guys on the wrestling team from my dad. 305 00:14:47,817 --> 00:14:49,578 I knew Byron Blassingame. 306 00:14:49,612 --> 00:14:52,822 He was the toughest guy in the whole school. 307 00:14:52,857 --> 00:14:55,066 And he was cool to me, he was really nice to me. 308 00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:58,207 Every time he'd see me in the hallway he'd go, 309 00:14:58,242 --> 00:15:01,107 "Lil' Warren. 310 00:15:01,141 --> 00:15:02,660 Where your daddy at?" 311 00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:04,558 [laughter] 312 00:15:04,593 --> 00:15:07,354 "Where your daddy at, lil' Warren?" 313 00:15:07,389 --> 00:15:12,290 Like, that was Byron's way of saying "hi," like... 314 00:15:12,325 --> 00:15:16,398 He didn't really want to know where my dad was, but, 315 00:15:16,432 --> 00:15:17,986 I was like a dorky white kid so I'm, like... 316 00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:21,472 "I think he's at the bank, Byron!" 317 00:15:21,506 --> 00:15:24,371 "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 318 00:15:24,406 --> 00:15:27,340 Lil' Warren say his daddy at the bank." 319 00:15:27,374 --> 00:15:29,894 [laughter] 320 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:34,105 Like, I got it after a while. Like I, you know, I got it. 321 00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:38,109 "Where your daddy at, lil' Warren?" "Hi, Byron!" 322 00:15:38,144 --> 00:15:41,250 Thank God later, like, he really didn't need to know 323 00:15:41,285 --> 00:15:43,425 where my dad was, like, in an emergency. 324 00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:46,946 "Lil Warren, the gym on fire! Where your daddy at?" 325 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,293 "Uh-huh, where your daddy at, Byron?" 326 00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:51,295 [laughter] 327 00:15:57,163 --> 00:15:59,165 I said, you know, I said I'm not a farmer. 328 00:15:59,199 --> 00:16:01,270 I don't know anything about it.I don't know anything about 329 00:16:01,305 --> 00:16:04,101 like, any kind of blue collar job. 330 00:16:04,135 --> 00:16:06,586 I mean, I respect people that work with their hands. 331 00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:09,934 I just, I don't know anything about it. 332 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,487 I met this guy recently. 333 00:16:11,522 --> 00:16:14,525 He goes, "Yeah, I'm an iron worker." 334 00:16:14,559 --> 00:16:17,286 I had nothing. 335 00:16:17,321 --> 00:16:21,946 I go, "That's a sturdy metal. 336 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,018 "Done some work with aluminum. 337 00:16:25,053 --> 00:16:27,503 "Foil, mostly. 338 00:16:27,538 --> 00:16:29,160 "Wrapping snacks and stuff like that. 339 00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:32,025 You guys got foil over there in iron? No?" 340 00:16:34,821 --> 00:16:37,065 I mean, I, yeah, my dad was a wrestling coach. 341 00:16:37,099 --> 00:16:38,514 That's a blue collar job. 342 00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:40,861 My grandpa was a butcher, very blue collar. 343 00:16:40,896 --> 00:16:43,761 I don't know past that. I'm not a big ancestry guy. 344 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:47,316 I mean, I got ancestors, I just don't... 345 00:16:47,351 --> 00:16:50,664 I mean, I know my parents, I just don't go that far back. 346 00:16:50,699 --> 00:16:52,045 Everybody else is into it. 347 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,530 All these Ancestry.com commercials. 348 00:16:54,565 --> 00:16:57,602 Just some woman, "I thought my whole life I was Norwegian. 349 00:16:57,637 --> 00:17:00,467 It turns out, I'm Chinese!" 350 00:17:00,502 --> 00:17:03,263 [laughter] 351 00:17:03,298 --> 00:17:06,473 Well, you should have known. 352 00:17:06,508 --> 00:17:09,925 Frankly, I saw it right away. I could have told you. 353 00:17:09,959 --> 00:17:12,652 You are not Norwegian. 354 00:17:12,686 --> 00:17:15,344 "I used to wear lederhosen, now I gotta wear a kilt." 355 00:17:15,379 --> 00:17:17,588 "You don't gotta wear anything, sir. 356 00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:19,935 Pants, actually, that's an option, that's... 357 00:17:19,969 --> 00:17:22,282 That's what they wear in Germanyand Ireland today. 358 00:17:22,317 --> 00:17:23,387 You just wanna play dress up. 359 00:17:23,421 --> 00:17:25,354 Let's not blame your ancestors on it." 360 00:17:25,389 --> 00:17:29,082 [laughter] 361 00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:30,566 I mean, the blue collar guys, they're more like, 362 00:17:30,601 --> 00:17:34,087 you know, like, a lot of testosterone. 363 00:17:34,122 --> 00:17:36,193 I don't know how much testosterone I have left. 364 00:17:36,227 --> 00:17:38,298 [laughter] 365 00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:40,818 I'm starting to get worried. 366 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,544 I listen to a lot of sports radio. 367 00:17:42,578 --> 00:17:45,271 And that's the only people thatadvertise on sports radio, 368 00:17:45,305 --> 00:17:47,825 the low testosterone clinics, you know. 369 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:51,346 "Do you have low T?" 370 00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:53,693 "I don't know." 371 00:17:53,727 --> 00:17:55,798 "Do you feel as good as you didwhen you were 24?" 372 00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:58,491 "I don't feel as good as I did yesterday, to be real honest with you." 373 00:17:58,525 --> 00:18:02,426 [laughter] 374 00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:04,083 I thought that's the way the world worked. 375 00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:07,189 You get a little worse every dayand then you die. 376 00:18:07,224 --> 00:18:10,089 I didn't know. 377 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,401 It's a pretty serious medical procedure, by the way, 378 00:18:12,436 --> 00:18:14,162 to inject your body with hormones. 379 00:18:14,196 --> 00:18:15,991 If I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna go to a place 380 00:18:16,025 --> 00:18:18,269 with a serious sounding name. 381 00:18:18,304 --> 00:18:22,031 Preferably, with the word doctorat the front of it. 382 00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:24,206 These places have, like, silly word play names. 383 00:18:24,241 --> 00:18:26,277 Like, "Come on down to Mansanity!" 384 00:18:26,312 --> 00:18:28,831 No, no, no, no, I'm not going there. 385 00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:32,939 I'm not getting a transplant at Liverama Fun World either. 386 00:18:32,973 --> 00:18:35,562 If I ever hear, "Hey, do you have high blood sugar? 387 00:18:35,597 --> 00:18:40,464 You can't dia-beat these prices!" That's also... 388 00:18:40,498 --> 00:18:41,499 "We have seven locations! 389 00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:44,295 We are glu-glu-glu- glucose to you! 390 00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:48,265 [laughter and applause] 391 00:18:51,406 --> 00:18:53,339 I'm not a farm guy. I'm a suburb guy. 392 00:18:53,373 --> 00:18:56,549 That's, uh, I'm a suburb guy. 393 00:18:56,583 --> 00:18:59,828 You know, I thinka lot of people say the suburbsis like a soft life. 394 00:18:59,862 --> 00:19:03,003 Like it's easy, it's not. 395 00:19:03,038 --> 00:19:06,145 It's tough, there's a lot of tough stuff, um... 396 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:10,873 I had a problem at the Red Lobster the other day. 397 00:19:10,908 --> 00:19:12,737 It was serious. I mean, here's what happened. 398 00:19:12,772 --> 00:19:14,429 My waitress thought that I was poor. 399 00:19:14,463 --> 00:19:16,569 I'm not, okay, I'm not. 400 00:19:16,603 --> 00:19:18,433 I'm not rich. I'm not gonna stand up here 401 00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:20,297 and brag to you guys about how much money I make, 402 00:19:20,331 --> 00:19:22,506 but let's just say I can walk into a Red Lobster 403 00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:25,819 and get... whatever, okay, like... 404 00:19:25,854 --> 00:19:28,201 [laughter] 405 00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:30,686 I'm making that kind of cash. Like, I'm pulling that down. 406 00:19:30,721 --> 00:19:33,102 I'm not saying every day, but I'm saying two, three times 407 00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:37,210 a month, I can walk in there and I'm not looking at the prices, okay. 408 00:19:37,245 --> 00:19:42,215 And not just during Lobsterfest.I'm saying on a regular Tuesday. 409 00:19:42,250 --> 00:19:43,768 I'm doing fine. And I was wearing 410 00:19:43,803 --> 00:19:45,908 like my third best shirt. This is sixth. 411 00:19:45,943 --> 00:19:49,291 I didn't look poor. Here's what happened. 412 00:19:49,326 --> 00:19:53,433 I go, "I'll take the trout, and I want some asparagus." 413 00:19:53,468 --> 00:19:58,266 She goes, "Oh, sir, asparagus is a premium side." 414 00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:02,097 I was like, "What does that mean, it's real good?" 415 00:20:02,131 --> 00:20:04,203 She goes, "No, it's extra." I was like, "How much?" 416 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:07,896 She goes, "$1.29" I was like, 417 00:20:07,930 --> 00:20:10,243 "I can swing it, I mean... 418 00:20:10,278 --> 00:20:14,074 I mean, I'm gonna have to call my guy, you know... 419 00:20:14,109 --> 00:20:16,905 We're gonna have to move some stuff around. 420 00:20:16,939 --> 00:20:20,426 Probably put off retirement for a couple years, but I want the asparagus. 421 00:20:20,460 --> 00:20:22,428 As a matter of fact, I want three asparaguses 422 00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:26,846 or three, three asparagi, is what I'm trying to say is I can spare-a-guy, okay? 423 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,468 I got plenty of guys. 424 00:20:28,503 --> 00:20:31,609 I'm wanna keep the girls but, you know." 425 00:20:31,644 --> 00:20:33,335 I don't like it when they tell you how many sides 426 00:20:33,370 --> 00:20:34,923 you can have at the restaurant. 427 00:20:34,957 --> 00:20:36,890 I went to this place and I go, "I'll take the salmon, 428 00:20:36,925 --> 00:20:38,754 I want a baked potato, and I want--" 429 00:20:38,789 --> 00:20:40,756 "Sir, you only get one side." 430 00:20:40,791 --> 00:20:43,380 "I get however many sides I say I get. 431 00:20:43,414 --> 00:20:46,279 I'm a grown man. All right, I decide the sides. 432 00:20:46,314 --> 00:20:47,901 I'm the side decider. 433 00:20:47,936 --> 00:20:49,386 I'll make it rain sides up in here. 434 00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:51,111 I want all the sides. 435 00:20:51,146 --> 00:20:52,458 I want 'em all twice. 436 00:20:52,492 --> 00:20:54,805 Okay, I want a baked potato twice. 437 00:20:54,839 --> 00:20:56,876 And I'm not talking about a twice baked potato. 438 00:20:56,910 --> 00:21:00,293 I want two baked potatoes side by side. 439 00:21:00,328 --> 00:21:02,606 I want a roast beef sandwich." "Sir, that's not a side." 440 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,747 "Well, then you put it on the side. 441 00:21:05,781 --> 00:21:07,611 I call the shots!" 442 00:21:07,645 --> 00:21:10,648 [cheering and applause]Yeah, yeah. 443 00:21:13,962 --> 00:21:15,860 "I want rice pilaf!" 444 00:21:15,895 --> 00:21:17,759 And between me and you guys, I-- 445 00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:20,658 I have no idea what rice pilaf is. 446 00:21:20,693 --> 00:21:23,074 I went to five different restaurants and I ordered 447 00:21:23,109 --> 00:21:28,079 rice pilaf and it was completelydifferent at every restaurant. 448 00:21:28,114 --> 00:21:31,842 These pilaf farmers need to standardize their product. 449 00:21:31,876 --> 00:21:35,294 I'll tell you that right now, like... 450 00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:37,468 I Googled it. Very loose definition. 451 00:21:37,503 --> 00:21:40,575 From what I can tell, rice pilaf is rice 452 00:21:40,609 --> 00:21:43,888 with anything else you want to put in it. 453 00:21:43,923 --> 00:21:45,407 Anything. You know how sometimes 454 00:21:45,442 --> 00:21:46,581 you drop your phone in the toilet 455 00:21:46,615 --> 00:21:51,206 and you gotta put it in rice to dry it out? 456 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,175 Technically, that's rice pilaf,okay, that... 457 00:21:55,210 --> 00:21:57,350 That's a pilafian dish. 458 00:21:57,385 --> 00:22:00,008 [laughter and applause] 459 00:22:00,042 --> 00:22:01,699 So, yeah, man, the suburbs. 460 00:22:01,734 --> 00:22:04,357 There's stuff that happens there, I, I... 461 00:22:04,392 --> 00:22:07,118 And, uh, I had a problem at thisplace called First Watch. 462 00:22:07,153 --> 00:22:09,397 It's a breakfast joint. You know, a tough place. 463 00:22:09,431 --> 00:22:13,090 And, uh... 464 00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:16,093 I go in there, and they're like,"It's a 20 minute wait." 465 00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:17,439 I'm like, "Okay, I can handle it. 466 00:22:17,474 --> 00:22:19,786 I'll do my time." You know, so... 467 00:22:19,821 --> 00:22:21,236 I'm sitting in the chair, I'm reading the paper, 468 00:22:21,270 --> 00:22:24,101 and I guess this woman came in after me and she had a baby. 469 00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:26,414 And, you know, I didn't see her. 470 00:22:26,448 --> 00:22:28,347 If I would've seen her I would have offered her my chair. 471 00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:29,451 But I didn't see her. 472 00:22:29,486 --> 00:22:32,212 So what she did,she just stood right next to me. 473 00:22:32,247 --> 00:22:35,215 She starts talking to her baby. 474 00:22:35,250 --> 00:22:37,356 But she's talking to me, all right, like, 475 00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:42,361 "No, no, no, there's nowhere for us to sit down. 476 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:45,467 There's nowhere for us to sit down. There's nowhere for us--" 477 00:22:45,502 --> 00:22:47,089 I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't see you. 478 00:22:47,124 --> 00:22:49,644 Here, you can have my chair." You know? 479 00:22:49,678 --> 00:22:52,371 And then, you know, I stood right next to her. 480 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:58,204 I didn't have a baby, all right. 481 00:22:58,238 --> 00:22:59,757 So I just started talking to my newspaper. 482 00:22:59,792 --> 00:23:03,761 I was like, "Nah, nah, newspaper, we gotta give her the chair. 483 00:23:03,796 --> 00:23:06,039 "No, the tactic she's using, that's called passive 484 00:23:06,074 --> 00:23:09,042 "aggressive, newspaper. She's a gutless woman. 485 00:23:09,077 --> 00:23:11,459 "And she is using her infant child in this charade. 486 00:23:11,493 --> 00:23:13,253 She's miserable, I..." 487 00:23:13,288 --> 00:23:18,086 [laughter] 488 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,777 I'm not afraid of an altercation. 489 00:23:19,812 --> 00:23:21,261 The suburbs are crumbling, they are. 490 00:23:21,296 --> 00:23:23,436 I saw this the other day. I saw a Domino's Pizza 491 00:23:23,471 --> 00:23:25,196 being delivered to a McDonald's. 492 00:23:25,231 --> 00:23:27,578 That's not supposed to happen, okay, like... 493 00:23:27,613 --> 00:23:29,753 I get it, it was probably the kids that work at McDonald's 494 00:23:29,787 --> 00:23:31,996 that got tired of eating hamburgers, like, "Let's order a pizza." 495 00:23:32,031 --> 00:23:33,584 They should have told the guy to go around back. 496 00:23:33,619 --> 00:23:37,450 He was in line at McDonald's holding a pizza. 497 00:23:37,485 --> 00:23:39,556 It didn't look good. I mean, I get it, I get it. 498 00:23:39,590 --> 00:23:41,799 Have you guys been to McDonald's lately? 499 00:23:41,834 --> 00:23:43,663 Everybody that works there is a kid, everybody. 500 00:23:43,698 --> 00:23:45,009 "I want to talk to your supervisor." 501 00:23:45,044 --> 00:23:49,289 "We'll go get Mr. Smith." Mr. Smith's 15, all right. 502 00:23:49,324 --> 00:23:50,808 "We would go get our district manager 503 00:23:50,843 --> 00:23:52,603 "but his mom said he had too much homework. 504 00:23:52,638 --> 00:23:54,605 He can't come to work until next Thursday." 505 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,987 [laughter] 506 00:23:57,021 --> 00:23:59,955 Customer service is gone. It doesn't exist, right? 507 00:23:59,990 --> 00:24:03,338 I mean, I just have a rule now.If I give you money, 508 00:24:03,372 --> 00:24:05,167 you just say thank you, that's it. 509 00:24:05,202 --> 00:24:09,033 You just say thank you, okay? And they don't do it. 510 00:24:09,068 --> 00:24:10,449 They don't say thank you half the time. 511 00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:13,072 I was in this place and I gave him, like, 300 bucks. 512 00:24:13,106 --> 00:24:15,005 I paid 300 bucks for something and the girl goes, 513 00:24:15,039 --> 00:24:16,385 "Hey, how did you hear about us?" 514 00:24:16,420 --> 00:24:18,802 "It's none of your business how I heard about you. 515 00:24:18,836 --> 00:24:21,667 Why don't you just be happy that I did hear about you?" 516 00:24:21,701 --> 00:24:23,738 Next time that happensI'm just gonna make something up 517 00:24:23,772 --> 00:24:26,188 to throw them off their little marketing research. 518 00:24:26,223 --> 00:24:28,328 "How'd you hear about us?" "Well, I belong to 519 00:24:28,363 --> 00:24:30,020 "a lot of hate groups and, uh..." 520 00:24:30,054 --> 00:24:31,159 [laughter] 521 00:24:31,193 --> 00:24:32,712 They told me I was supposed to shop here. 522 00:24:32,747 --> 00:24:35,025 They said for every dollar I spend here, 68 cents 523 00:24:35,059 --> 00:24:37,027 goes back to the hate group. All the hate groups. 524 00:24:37,061 --> 00:24:39,098 Even my favorite hate group, The I Hate The People 525 00:24:39,132 --> 00:24:42,619 That Ask "How'd You Hear About Us" Hate Group. 526 00:24:42,653 --> 00:24:44,448 "How'd you hear about us?" "Japanese newspaper. 527 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,208 Full page ad in there." 528 00:24:46,243 --> 00:24:47,520 "Sir, we don't advertise in Japan." 529 00:24:47,555 --> 00:24:49,764 "Well, I saw what I saw. You should be grateful. 530 00:24:49,798 --> 00:24:51,938 But that's not really your strong suit, is it?" 531 00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:58,807 I had another, this is probablylike the, you know, 532 00:24:58,842 --> 00:25:02,708 the, uh, toughest issue, um... 533 00:25:02,742 --> 00:25:04,157 I'll give you some background, okay? 534 00:25:04,192 --> 00:25:07,747 So, my favorite snack is mixed nuts. 535 00:25:07,782 --> 00:25:10,681 I like mixed nuts and, like, 536 00:25:10,716 --> 00:25:15,030 When I eat mixed nuts, I don't have nine mixed nuts. 537 00:25:15,065 --> 00:25:17,101 I eat as many mixed nuts as I can 538 00:25:17,136 --> 00:25:20,104 until I'm very uncomfortable, 539 00:25:20,139 --> 00:25:24,419 and then I have eleven more handfuls of mixed nuts, like, that's... 540 00:25:24,453 --> 00:25:26,214 So, I go to this, you know, I go... 541 00:25:26,248 --> 00:25:27,974 I was in the hotel, and I go to the gift shop. 542 00:25:28,009 --> 00:25:30,287 I'm hungry, real hungry. And I see these, uh, 543 00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:31,530 I don't even see the whole package. 544 00:25:31,564 --> 00:25:35,430 I just read the "Mi" and the "uts," all right? 545 00:25:35,464 --> 00:25:38,019 I'm like, "I want it." It looks like a good package. 546 00:25:38,053 --> 00:25:40,504 Experienced nut mixers or whatever, so I get it. 547 00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:42,782 I don't even look at it.I pay for it, don't look at it. 548 00:25:42,817 --> 00:25:44,577 I go up to the room, I don't even look at it. 549 00:25:44,612 --> 00:25:46,406 I start eating it. I'm watching TV, 550 00:25:46,441 --> 00:25:47,856 and I'm just shoving handfuls in my mouth. 551 00:25:47,891 --> 00:25:49,375 And there's nuts in there, fine. 552 00:25:49,409 --> 00:25:51,411 But there's pistachios in there, fine. 553 00:25:51,446 --> 00:25:53,724 But they have shells on them. The pistachios have shells 554 00:25:53,759 --> 00:25:55,588 on them and the rest of the mixed nuts do not 555 00:25:55,623 --> 00:25:57,383 have shells on them. That's wrong, isn't it? 556 00:25:57,417 --> 00:25:59,799 That's, that's dangerous! Like, "Hey, thanks! 557 00:25:59,834 --> 00:26:04,252 Could you also put some toy Armymen legs in those mixed nuts?" 558 00:26:04,286 --> 00:26:07,117 That's a crime! And the thing is, like, 559 00:26:07,151 --> 00:26:09,878 it really bothers me 'cause they're lazy. They are so lazy. 560 00:26:09,913 --> 00:26:12,329 Everybody knows pistachios, that's the easiest nut 561 00:26:12,363 --> 00:26:15,884 to take the shell off of. I mean, they hatch. 562 00:26:15,919 --> 00:26:19,025 Like, they hatch. Like, they hatch. 563 00:26:19,060 --> 00:26:21,027 Nature does 83 percent of the work for you. 564 00:26:21,062 --> 00:26:22,546 You just flick it and they're open. 565 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:24,168 I could understand if it's a walnut. 566 00:26:24,203 --> 00:26:26,101 You ever try to take a walnut shell off? It's hard. 567 00:26:26,136 --> 00:26:27,793 Like, when you eat 'em at Christmas time. 568 00:26:27,827 --> 00:26:30,381 By the time you get one off, it's Valentine's Day, like, that... 569 00:26:30,416 --> 00:26:33,453 [laughter] 570 00:26:40,012 --> 00:26:42,531 Yeah, I um... 571 00:26:42,566 --> 00:26:46,984 You can tell I'm kind of a complainer, you know? 572 00:26:47,019 --> 00:26:50,954 [laughter] 573 00:26:50,988 --> 00:26:53,163 I'm also lazy. 574 00:26:53,197 --> 00:26:56,649 I'm too lazy to be a farmer. 575 00:26:56,684 --> 00:26:58,306 I know that, like... 576 00:26:58,340 --> 00:27:01,343 I mean, you say what you want about the farmers, they work. 577 00:27:01,378 --> 00:27:03,345 Like, they, they work, just... 578 00:27:03,380 --> 00:27:05,727 Just look at what they make their kids do. 579 00:27:05,762 --> 00:27:08,281 You ever heard a farm kid talk about his chores? 580 00:27:08,316 --> 00:27:11,112 When I was a kid, if I said I did my chores, 581 00:27:11,146 --> 00:27:13,114 that meant I rolled, rolled, 582 00:27:13,148 --> 00:27:16,496 the garbage cans down the driveway 583 00:27:16,531 --> 00:27:19,810 on Tuesday and my brother did it on Thursday. 584 00:27:19,845 --> 00:27:22,502 And if I didn't do my chores I got grounded. 585 00:27:22,537 --> 00:27:24,297 If a farm kid doesn't do his chores, 586 00:27:24,332 --> 00:27:27,818 the bank forecloses on the family's farm. 587 00:27:27,853 --> 00:27:29,578 The stakes are high over there, man. 588 00:27:29,613 --> 00:27:31,408 [laughter] 589 00:27:35,308 --> 00:27:38,967 So, yeah, man, I'm uh, I'm lazy. 590 00:27:39,002 --> 00:27:40,797 Here's how lazy I am. I was at the airport 591 00:27:40,831 --> 00:27:42,799 the other day and my shoe was untied and I was like, 592 00:27:42,833 --> 00:27:44,801 "I'm not feeling it." 593 00:27:44,835 --> 00:27:47,976 [laughter] 594 00:27:48,011 --> 00:27:50,047 And I passed the shoe shine guyand he goes, "Shine 'em up?" 595 00:27:50,082 --> 00:27:53,016 I was like, "How much to tie 'em?" 596 00:27:55,639 --> 00:27:58,642 It was three dollars per pair. I mean, only one was untied, 597 00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:00,609 but I was like, "Hey, as long as I'm paying you the three, 598 00:28:00,644 --> 00:28:02,266 like, untie that one and retie it. 599 00:28:02,301 --> 00:28:06,995 This is a, we had a deal and... 600 00:28:07,030 --> 00:28:08,514 This is how lazy I am. I was on Facebook 601 00:28:08,548 --> 00:28:10,240 and my friend Dort posted, 602 00:28:10,274 --> 00:28:12,863 "I ran a half marathon." 603 00:28:12,898 --> 00:28:15,832 And I posted, "Congrats." 604 00:28:15,866 --> 00:28:18,351 She ran 13 miles and I was too lazy 605 00:28:18,386 --> 00:28:21,251 to write "ulations." 606 00:28:21,285 --> 00:28:24,530 [laughter] 607 00:28:26,256 --> 00:28:29,604 We're all lazy though, it's just, I mean, we're all lazy. 608 00:28:29,638 --> 00:28:33,815 Walk around your house, "Alexa, turn on the lights!" 609 00:28:33,850 --> 00:28:36,128 "Alexa, turn off the lights!" 610 00:28:36,162 --> 00:28:37,474 "Alexa, turn on the stove." 611 00:28:37,508 --> 00:28:39,752 You know it took me three weeksto realize in order 612 00:28:39,787 --> 00:28:43,722 for that to work,you have to have Alexa, like... 613 00:28:43,756 --> 00:28:46,172 [laughter] 614 00:28:49,762 --> 00:28:51,833 But the laziness is not all my fault. 615 00:28:51,868 --> 00:28:54,663 Like, uh, I got some, some problems. 616 00:28:54,698 --> 00:28:57,494 I got some physical limitations.I got plantar fasciitis. 617 00:28:57,528 --> 00:29:00,359 [scattered chuckling] 618 00:29:00,393 --> 00:29:03,569 That's not funny, like, that's not funny, that's... 619 00:29:03,603 --> 00:29:07,366 It's a serious disease, okay? It's, it's not funny. 620 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,264 It hurts. Okay, my foot hurts. 621 00:29:09,299 --> 00:29:10,783 And I've been dealing with it for awhile. 622 00:29:10,818 --> 00:29:13,406 So I go to the doctor and theytell me, "You want to just roll 623 00:29:13,441 --> 00:29:15,201 your foot over a rolling pin." 624 00:29:15,236 --> 00:29:17,825 That's their advice, roll your foot over a rolling pin. 625 00:29:17,859 --> 00:29:19,999 So I tried it for a while, went back, I was like, 626 00:29:20,034 --> 00:29:22,139 "It doesn't work."They're like, "Yeah, definitelymore rolling pin." 627 00:29:22,174 --> 00:29:23,796 So, I did it. By the way, 628 00:29:23,831 --> 00:29:26,316 you don't want to eat homemade cookies at my house. 629 00:29:26,350 --> 00:29:28,939 [laughter] 630 00:29:28,974 --> 00:29:32,218 So, I'm just rolling my footover a rolling pin all the time. 631 00:29:32,253 --> 00:29:33,944 And I finally, like after nine months, 632 00:29:33,979 --> 00:29:35,463 I went back, like, "It's not working ." 633 00:29:35,497 --> 00:29:37,465 They go, "Ah, triple up the rolling." 634 00:29:37,499 --> 00:29:40,399 I'm like, "I want an MRI." And they're like, "Ehh." 635 00:29:40,433 --> 00:29:43,367 You have to be really, really angry to get those things 636 00:29:43,402 --> 00:29:45,059 with the way the insurance works, so I go, 637 00:29:45,093 --> 00:29:49,511 "I want an MRI now or I'm burning this office down!" 638 00:29:49,546 --> 00:29:50,892 "Okay, sir, that's what we were looking for. 639 00:29:50,927 --> 00:29:54,309 You can have the MRI. No problem, no problem." 640 00:29:54,344 --> 00:29:57,692 And by the way, like, the MRI,I don't know if you've had one, 641 00:29:57,726 --> 00:29:59,383 but whoever invented that machine, 642 00:29:59,418 --> 00:30:02,904 that is a sick person. 643 00:30:02,939 --> 00:30:04,078 Here's how I think the meeting went. 644 00:30:04,112 --> 00:30:05,838 They were like, "All right, we got this new machine. 645 00:30:05,873 --> 00:30:07,598 Now, the people that are gonna be using it, 646 00:30:07,633 --> 00:30:09,877 they're gonna be injured so they'll be nervous. 647 00:30:09,911 --> 00:30:11,533 They're also gonna be claustrophobic because 648 00:30:11,568 --> 00:30:13,984 we are shoving them in a tube. 649 00:30:14,019 --> 00:30:18,230 So, the way we should put them at ease is to make this thing 650 00:30:18,264 --> 00:30:22,372 sound like they're being riddledwith machine gun fire. 651 00:30:22,406 --> 00:30:24,857 You're in there, 652 00:30:24,892 --> 00:30:26,445 it's quiet, then you hear, 653 00:30:26,479 --> 00:30:31,415 [mimicking machine gun fire] 654 00:30:35,592 --> 00:30:37,905 "How you doing in there?" "I think I'm hit!" 655 00:30:37,939 --> 00:30:41,218 [laughter] 656 00:30:41,253 --> 00:30:43,669 Then they have the gall to say,"Don't move." 657 00:30:43,703 --> 00:30:45,119 "While they're shooting at me? 658 00:30:45,153 --> 00:30:48,847 You want me to go ahead and stand still for you?" 659 00:30:48,881 --> 00:30:50,193 It's a real calming noise, isn't it? 660 00:30:50,227 --> 00:30:52,643 [mimicking machine gun] 661 00:30:52,678 --> 00:30:53,886 Their second choice was 662 00:30:53,921 --> 00:30:57,752 [bomb descending...] 663 00:30:57,786 --> 00:31:00,306 [exploding] 664 00:31:00,341 --> 00:31:04,034 I had the MRI. And then also, uh... 665 00:31:04,069 --> 00:31:07,348 Also, I had to get some blood taken, which... 666 00:31:07,382 --> 00:31:10,765 I don't like needles. Like, I hate 'em. 667 00:31:10,799 --> 00:31:12,180 To make matters worse, 668 00:31:12,215 --> 00:31:16,495 the blood sticker guy... 669 00:31:16,529 --> 00:31:18,911 you know, that guy, he, uh, 670 00:31:18,946 --> 00:31:20,257 he started using poor grammar. 671 00:31:20,292 --> 00:31:21,396 He goes, "This ain't gonna hurt." 672 00:31:21,431 --> 00:31:25,711 I was like, "Oh, no. No-no-no, no-no-no. 673 00:31:25,745 --> 00:31:26,885 We're not doing that, all right? 674 00:31:26,919 --> 00:31:28,403 We're not, we're not, no, no, we're not... 675 00:31:28,438 --> 00:31:31,959 You can't use poor grammar and do medical stuff to somebody. 676 00:31:31,993 --> 00:31:34,168 Because if he says, "This ain't gonna hurt." 677 00:31:34,202 --> 00:31:35,824 I'm thinking, well, he may ain't not know the difference 678 00:31:35,859 --> 00:31:37,412 between a vein and an artery, all right? 679 00:31:37,447 --> 00:31:39,932 He may ain't have remembered to wash the diseased blood 680 00:31:39,967 --> 00:31:43,660 out of that syringe before he stuck it inside of me. 681 00:31:43,694 --> 00:31:45,351 We're not doing this, okay. We're not doing this. 682 00:31:45,386 --> 00:31:47,215 And it's not his fault. The guy was probably good 683 00:31:47,250 --> 00:31:50,218 in school in science and bad in English. 684 00:31:50,253 --> 00:31:52,634 But I don't care, man. It's a confidence thing. 685 00:31:52,669 --> 00:31:55,844 Like, if you want your kid to be a doctor, 686 00:31:55,879 --> 00:31:59,814 you make sure they do well in science and English . 687 00:31:59,848 --> 00:32:03,404 And if for some reason your kidcannot do well in English, 688 00:32:03,438 --> 00:32:07,270 teach them a foreign accent, all right? 689 00:32:07,304 --> 00:32:09,789 Like, 'cause we all know... 690 00:32:09,824 --> 00:32:12,896 If the doctor's, like, "Me not know the, uh, 691 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,967 how you say, how you say, how you say?" 692 00:32:15,002 --> 00:32:18,695 "Oh, that guy's a genius! You do whatever you gotta do, Doc! 693 00:32:18,729 --> 00:32:20,559 "I went to college with you foreign guys. 694 00:32:20,593 --> 00:32:22,699 "You were always in the librarywhen I was drunk. 695 00:32:22,733 --> 00:32:24,459 "You do what you gotta do, man. 696 00:32:24,494 --> 00:32:25,771 "I trust you. 697 00:32:25,805 --> 00:32:28,739 Your poor grammar equals high MCAT score." 698 00:32:31,570 --> 00:32:33,296 Here's the thing, like, it's just medicine. 699 00:32:33,330 --> 00:32:35,884 Like, I'm not a snob. If you wanna fix my car, 700 00:32:35,919 --> 00:32:38,508 I don't care if you use poor grammar. 701 00:32:38,542 --> 00:32:42,684 Matter of fact, I'd prefer you did. 702 00:32:42,719 --> 00:32:45,204 If the mechanic's, like, "That there transmission ain't 703 00:32:45,239 --> 00:32:47,241 never ever gonna work again." I'm like, well, 704 00:32:47,275 --> 00:32:49,622 I guess I need a new transmission. 705 00:32:49,657 --> 00:32:51,728 Obviously, this guy knows what he's talking about. 706 00:32:51,762 --> 00:32:53,143 He's butchering the English language. 707 00:32:53,178 --> 00:32:57,147 He's probably at the top of his field. 708 00:32:57,182 --> 00:32:59,287 "I better not no wait no more longer 709 00:32:59,322 --> 00:33:03,498 for this no more." No, huh? 710 00:33:04,810 --> 00:33:06,674 I walked by a construction site the other day, 711 00:33:06,708 --> 00:33:09,332 I heard 37 swear words in under a minute. 712 00:33:09,366 --> 00:33:12,128 I was like, that is gonna be a sturdy building. 713 00:33:12,162 --> 00:33:15,890 [laughter] 714 00:33:15,924 --> 00:33:18,720 You ever walk by a constructionsite and hear somebody say 715 00:33:18,755 --> 00:33:21,482 "darn it" or "shoot," that thing's coming down! 716 00:33:25,417 --> 00:33:28,937 What I'm trying to say is education is important. 717 00:33:28,972 --> 00:33:31,526 But we all have different levels of education. 718 00:33:31,561 --> 00:33:33,080 You know, that's fine, it makes us more interesting. 719 00:33:33,114 --> 00:33:34,495 But you got to know who you're talking to. 720 00:33:34,529 --> 00:33:37,360 I met this lady recently, we were at the grocery store. 721 00:33:37,394 --> 00:33:39,362 She was really nice. We start talking in line. 722 00:33:39,396 --> 00:33:42,606 She goes, "Yeah, my doctor says 723 00:33:42,641 --> 00:33:44,608 I need to start reading labels."She had kids. 724 00:33:44,643 --> 00:33:48,233 She goes, "If I can't pronounceone of the ingredients 725 00:33:48,267 --> 00:33:52,202 on that label, he said I shouldnot feed that item to my child." 726 00:33:52,237 --> 00:33:55,274 I was like, "That's pretty good advice 727 00:33:55,309 --> 00:33:59,140 depending on your level of education." 728 00:33:59,175 --> 00:34:02,764 If the mom's like, "Ma-ma-ma-ma!" 729 00:34:02,799 --> 00:34:04,387 I guess that kid's not getting milk, all right. 730 00:34:04,421 --> 00:34:08,080 [laughter] 731 00:34:08,115 --> 00:34:10,669 Doesn't seem fair. 732 00:34:10,703 --> 00:34:13,568 "I can't feed my child ma-leek!" 733 00:34:13,603 --> 00:34:16,364 [laughter] 734 00:34:19,885 --> 00:34:21,473 Education's important, you know.I'm educated. 735 00:34:21,507 --> 00:34:24,303 I, uh, I graduated college. I got a degree in journalism. 736 00:34:24,338 --> 00:34:28,273 And, uh, very quickly got a job as a busboy at Denny's. 737 00:34:28,307 --> 00:34:30,689 [laughter]I did, I did, yeah. 738 00:34:30,723 --> 00:34:33,968 I was a, yeah, I was a waiter before I went to college 739 00:34:34,002 --> 00:34:37,144 and I came out a busboy. 740 00:34:37,178 --> 00:34:38,490 If I would've gone to grad school, 741 00:34:38,524 --> 00:34:40,250 I am pretty sure I could have made dish washer. 742 00:34:40,285 --> 00:34:42,045 I think I could have done it. 743 00:34:45,945 --> 00:34:48,120 I'm college educated, but a lotof times you wouldn't know it. 744 00:34:48,155 --> 00:34:49,742 I have done some really dumb stuff. 745 00:34:49,777 --> 00:34:53,298 Like, lately, this summer. I started the summer off dumb. 746 00:34:53,332 --> 00:34:55,265 I can't top it. Here's what happened. 747 00:34:55,300 --> 00:34:57,681 I was at my brother's house. And there was like a, 748 00:34:57,716 --> 00:35:00,132 there was like a barbecue there.He had all his friends there. 749 00:35:00,167 --> 00:35:02,307 And everybody was inside. And I walked outside and there 750 00:35:02,341 --> 00:35:05,965 was some bug spray on the picnic table, and I started spraying myself. 751 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,313 And my sister-in-law walked out,she goes, "What are you doing?" 752 00:35:08,347 --> 00:35:12,144 I'm like, "I'm putting bug spray on, Kelly." 753 00:35:12,179 --> 00:35:14,353 She goes, "No!"I'm like, "I'll pay for my part 754 00:35:14,388 --> 00:35:16,907 of the bug spray if it's a problem, Kelly." 755 00:35:16,942 --> 00:35:18,185 She goes, "That's not bug spray." 756 00:35:18,219 --> 00:35:20,463 I'm like, "What is it?" She goes, "That's the fogger." 757 00:35:20,497 --> 00:35:22,810 And I'm like, "What's the fogger?" 758 00:35:22,844 --> 00:35:24,984 If you, if you guys don't know what the fogger is, 759 00:35:25,019 --> 00:35:27,470 it's this thing where like one person puts on a hazmat suit, 760 00:35:27,504 --> 00:35:31,163 they evacuate the area, they spray the back lawn 761 00:35:31,198 --> 00:35:34,994 with the fogger, and then bugs die for a 55-mile radius. 762 00:35:35,029 --> 00:35:38,619 I-- I put it on my face, all right, like... 763 00:35:38,653 --> 00:35:41,449 A lot got in my mouth. So, I have six months to live. 764 00:35:41,484 --> 00:35:44,107 The good news is, those six months will be insect-free. 765 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,420 No bugs will come anywhere near me. 766 00:35:46,454 --> 00:35:47,731 Orkin hired me. 767 00:35:47,766 --> 00:35:49,008 I just go to people's houses now, 768 00:35:49,043 --> 00:35:51,390 and I sit down, and all the bugs die, I... 769 00:35:51,425 --> 00:35:53,289 I killed a cat. I didn't mean to. 770 00:35:53,323 --> 00:35:55,636 It... it jumped in my lap. I didn't-- 771 00:35:57,258 --> 00:35:59,364 I don't know how I'm gonna top that this summer. 772 00:35:59,398 --> 00:36:01,400 Maybe eat a citronella candle. 773 00:36:03,091 --> 00:36:04,783 Here's the thing. I should've known, 774 00:36:04,817 --> 00:36:07,648 'cause I remember, like, right before I sprayed myself, 775 00:36:07,682 --> 00:36:10,202 I remember looking at the bug spray and I was like, 776 00:36:10,237 --> 00:36:14,862 that doesn't look like a normal bug spray... can. 777 00:36:14,896 --> 00:36:16,898 It looked-- the spout looks too wide. 778 00:36:16,933 --> 00:36:20,833 It looks-- it looks like an air horn. 779 00:36:20,868 --> 00:36:22,249 And at that point, I should've read the label. 780 00:36:22,283 --> 00:36:25,321 I was like, no, it's probably like a half air horn, 781 00:36:25,355 --> 00:36:26,805 half bug spray product. 782 00:36:26,839 --> 00:36:29,048 Something you would use at an outdoor sporting event. 783 00:36:29,083 --> 00:36:30,360 You know, like, you know, like... 784 00:36:30,395 --> 00:36:34,330 [imitating aerosol spray and air horn blowing] 785 00:36:42,096 --> 00:36:43,373 [imitates air horn blowing] 786 00:36:46,549 --> 00:36:49,068 That's the dumbest thing I've done. 787 00:36:49,103 --> 00:36:51,657 Now, the dumbest thing I said... 788 00:36:51,692 --> 00:36:54,660 I was at my friend's house and I was in the bathroom, 789 00:36:54,695 --> 00:36:56,317 and there was this painting in the bathroom, 790 00:36:56,352 --> 00:36:57,732 and in the bottom left-hand corner 791 00:36:57,767 --> 00:36:58,975 it had these pencil markings. 792 00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:02,875 It said, "23/100." 793 00:37:02,910 --> 00:37:07,328 That means that's the 23rd printthat they made of that painting 794 00:37:07,363 --> 00:37:08,640 in a series of 100. 795 00:37:08,674 --> 00:37:10,745 The people at the party had to tell me that 796 00:37:10,780 --> 00:37:12,437 'cause I walked outside and I said, 797 00:37:12,471 --> 00:37:15,302 "Hey, I like that painting in your bathroom. 798 00:37:15,336 --> 00:37:17,890 "I don't know why the teacher gave that guy 23 out of 100. 799 00:37:17,925 --> 00:37:19,271 "I would've given him like a 98. 800 00:37:19,306 --> 00:37:21,860 "I mean, yeah, sure, the sun is off center, 801 00:37:21,894 --> 00:37:24,794 but you don't take off 77 pointsfor something like that." 802 00:37:30,834 --> 00:37:32,042 I've done some dumb stuff. 803 00:37:32,077 --> 00:37:34,286 I bought a $55 umbrella. 804 00:37:37,669 --> 00:37:40,154 Hear me out. 805 00:37:40,188 --> 00:37:43,606 It was raining and... 806 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,194 you know, I went into this store, and I was like, 807 00:37:46,229 --> 00:37:47,817 I want that one. It was 11 bucks. 808 00:37:47,851 --> 00:37:50,026 And the sales guy... was good. 809 00:37:50,060 --> 00:37:51,269 Like, he was really good. 810 00:37:51,303 --> 00:37:53,685 Like, he started showing me all these features 811 00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:55,411 on the $55 umbrella. 812 00:37:55,445 --> 00:37:57,654 I was like, wow, there have beena lot of advances 813 00:37:57,689 --> 00:37:59,794 in umbrella technology. 814 00:37:59,829 --> 00:38:01,417 And I got it home and I was like, 815 00:38:01,451 --> 00:38:03,453 there have been no advances in umbrella technology. 816 00:38:03,488 --> 00:38:05,559 Those weren't features. Like, they all open. 817 00:38:05,593 --> 00:38:07,561 Um... that's bad. 818 00:38:07,595 --> 00:38:09,321 'Cause if I ever do wind up destitute, 819 00:38:09,356 --> 00:38:11,254 I know my friends. That'll be the example. 820 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,669 Like, "Hey, what happened to Warren? 821 00:38:12,704 --> 00:38:14,809 I heard he was homeless." "Well, the guy was buying 822 00:38:14,844 --> 00:38:17,122 $55 umbrellas. I saw it coming." 823 00:38:19,504 --> 00:38:20,884 I'm not good with money. I'm just not. 824 00:38:20,919 --> 00:38:23,646 I'm not good with money. I mean, I made a bunch. 825 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,856 I just-- I used it. 826 00:38:26,890 --> 00:38:30,446 I-I used it all, and I guess you're not supposed to. 827 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,655 And... and I think I have a face 828 00:38:32,689 --> 00:38:35,968 that looks likeI'm more responsible than I am, 829 00:38:36,003 --> 00:38:37,453 'cause when I tell people that, they're like, 830 00:38:37,487 --> 00:38:42,043 "Well, you saved some." I'm like, I didn't. 831 00:38:42,078 --> 00:38:43,597 They're like, "Well, you still have your retirement 832 00:38:43,631 --> 00:38:45,046 from when you worked at Proctor & Gamble." 833 00:38:45,081 --> 00:38:46,600 I'm like, I cashed that out. They're like, 834 00:38:46,634 --> 00:38:49,119 "If you cashed that out, there are some serious penalties." 835 00:38:49,154 --> 00:38:53,192 I'm like, you're telling me. Like extremely serious. 836 00:38:53,227 --> 00:38:55,056 Really, I mean, unnecessarily serious. 837 00:38:55,091 --> 00:38:56,506 Draconian, really, um... 838 00:38:56,541 --> 00:38:57,818 And then they start yelling at me 839 00:38:57,852 --> 00:38:59,475 about compounding interest, which-- I don't know. 840 00:38:59,509 --> 00:39:00,545 If I would've known about it, 841 00:39:00,579 --> 00:39:01,684 I probably would've compounded some, 842 00:39:01,718 --> 00:39:03,789 but I didn't know about it. 843 00:39:03,824 --> 00:39:05,722 "Hey, Greg, you don't understandcompounding interest. 844 00:39:05,757 --> 00:39:07,483 "You gotta start saving when you're young, 845 00:39:07,517 --> 00:39:09,968 "'cause you get interest, then you get interest 846 00:39:10,002 --> 00:39:12,350 "on the interest, then you get interest on that interest 847 00:39:12,384 --> 00:39:14,248 that you got interest on." It's like, "Greg! 848 00:39:14,282 --> 00:39:15,870 You gotta understand the math!" 849 00:39:15,905 --> 00:39:18,252 I'm like, well, Marty, you gottaunderstand the physics. 850 00:39:18,286 --> 00:39:21,013 I can't go back and do that, all right? 851 00:39:21,048 --> 00:39:23,326 I'm... I'm 50! I'm 50! 852 00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:24,569 You know what's compounding right now? 853 00:39:24,603 --> 00:39:28,020 The consequencesfrom my poor decisions in life! 854 00:39:28,055 --> 00:39:29,919 They're piling up. 855 00:39:29,953 --> 00:39:33,336 [cheering and applause] 856 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:34,648 Yeah. 857 00:39:36,235 --> 00:39:37,858 There's no time travel. 858 00:39:40,895 --> 00:39:43,553 If there was time travel... 859 00:39:43,588 --> 00:39:45,383 I wouldn't make the best use of it. 860 00:39:47,868 --> 00:39:50,836 This is how I would use time travel. 861 00:39:50,871 --> 00:39:52,804 I shouldn't have eaten that. 862 00:39:55,910 --> 00:39:57,912 Then I, like, go back like 13 minutes 863 00:39:57,947 --> 00:39:59,880 to before I ate it. 864 00:40:01,606 --> 00:40:03,573 And then I would eat it again. 865 00:40:06,542 --> 00:40:10,200 Then I would go back like13 minutes to before I ate it... 866 00:40:10,235 --> 00:40:11,892 and then I would-- I would live in a loop. 867 00:40:11,926 --> 00:40:13,618 I would live in a 13-minute loop. 868 00:40:13,652 --> 00:40:15,516 I would experience 13 minutes of time. 869 00:40:15,551 --> 00:40:16,690 My friends would be like, 870 00:40:16,724 --> 00:40:18,243 "Greg, we went to the Middle Ages." 871 00:40:18,277 --> 00:40:20,728 I'd be like, I went to Pizza Hut again. 872 00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:29,461 And here's the thing. Like, I-- 873 00:40:29,496 --> 00:40:30,876 When I drive around at night, 874 00:40:30,911 --> 00:40:32,706 I listen to these financial radio shows. 875 00:40:32,740 --> 00:40:35,398 That's-- I don't-- I don't have any financials. 876 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:38,366 I don't know why I do. And they're all the same. 877 00:40:38,401 --> 00:40:40,265 It's some guy talking to somebody young. 878 00:40:40,299 --> 00:40:42,854 "Hey, you're, uh, you're 26. 879 00:40:42,888 --> 00:40:45,063 "You know, you just gotta get in the habit of saving. 880 00:40:45,097 --> 00:40:46,892 "You're fine now,just get in the habit of saving. 881 00:40:46,927 --> 00:40:48,307 "You get in the habit of saving. 882 00:40:48,342 --> 00:40:52,208 What you don't wanna do is wait until you're 50." 883 00:40:52,242 --> 00:40:54,935 And then the guy goes on to pretty much describe-- 884 00:40:54,969 --> 00:40:59,353 I mean, short of saying my name,he is talking about me. 885 00:40:59,387 --> 00:41:01,010 I'm like, I know you're talking about me, man! 886 00:41:01,044 --> 00:41:02,390 Just say my name! Go ahead! 887 00:41:02,425 --> 00:41:04,220 Everybody knows you're talking about me! 888 00:41:06,429 --> 00:41:08,051 I'm the bad example. 889 00:41:10,157 --> 00:41:12,193 You remember when we were in high school 890 00:41:12,228 --> 00:41:14,230 and they wanted to scare us about DUIs? 891 00:41:14,264 --> 00:41:17,336 So they put that smashed-up carin the parking lot. 892 00:41:17,371 --> 00:41:19,753 They're like,"You wanna wind up like that?!" 893 00:41:19,787 --> 00:41:21,479 I'm the car. I'm the car. 894 00:41:25,241 --> 00:41:28,624 And that's how I'm gonna makea lot of money when I get older. 895 00:41:28,658 --> 00:41:32,317 I'm gonna start renting myself out... 896 00:41:32,351 --> 00:41:35,941 as the bad example to financial advisors. 897 00:41:35,976 --> 00:41:38,634 Yeah, yeah, they're gonna be in like a meeting where 898 00:41:38,668 --> 00:41:40,498 they're gonna be like, "Hey, you guys are a young couple. 899 00:41:40,532 --> 00:41:42,638 "You just got married. Now, you're doing fine. 900 00:41:42,672 --> 00:41:46,124 "You just-- you gotta start saving or... 901 00:41:46,158 --> 00:41:49,955 "Greg, come on in here for a second. 902 00:41:49,990 --> 00:41:52,026 Show 'em the umbrella." 903 00:41:52,061 --> 00:41:54,995 [laughter and applause] 904 00:42:05,108 --> 00:42:07,939 I don't know what I did with the money. 905 00:42:07,973 --> 00:42:10,389 I mean, I-I-I lost a lot of phone chargers. 906 00:42:10,424 --> 00:42:12,322 I did. 907 00:42:12,357 --> 00:42:14,186 I did accidentally buy some 908 00:42:14,221 --> 00:42:15,947 of those organic walnuts one time. 909 00:42:15,981 --> 00:42:18,466 That set me back about 585,000. 910 00:42:18,501 --> 00:42:19,951 That was-- 911 00:42:22,367 --> 00:42:24,507 Honestly, you know, a big part of it is, 912 00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:26,267 it's the blue-collar stuff. 913 00:42:26,302 --> 00:42:29,995 I can't fix anything, so I gottahire guys to fix stuff. 914 00:42:30,030 --> 00:42:31,652 So, when they come over to my house, 915 00:42:31,687 --> 00:42:34,241 like, I-I don't think they're being fair. 916 00:42:34,275 --> 00:42:37,831 Like... hey, man, how much is it 917 00:42:37,865 --> 00:42:39,833 to put the screen door back on the tracks there? 918 00:42:39,867 --> 00:42:42,214 "That's 4,000, Greg." 919 00:42:42,249 --> 00:42:44,251 Okay, thank-- that sounds fair. 920 00:42:44,285 --> 00:42:46,425 The last guy charged me 5,000, so I appreciate you 921 00:42:46,460 --> 00:42:48,082 not taking advantage of me. 922 00:42:50,119 --> 00:42:51,776 All those guys, they're all dirtbags, 923 00:42:51,810 --> 00:42:53,156 the guys that work on your house. 924 00:42:53,191 --> 00:42:54,986 Like, they're liars. They are. 925 00:42:55,020 --> 00:42:58,541 Contractors, repairmen, uh, 926 00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:00,750 plumbers, tile guys, everything. 927 00:43:00,785 --> 00:43:02,787 I've noticed this about those guys, every one of 'em, 928 00:43:02,821 --> 00:43:05,444 they're always very, very disappointed 929 00:43:05,479 --> 00:43:07,861 in the work of the previous guy. 930 00:43:07,895 --> 00:43:11,761 They cannot believe how horribleof a job that guy did. 931 00:43:11,796 --> 00:43:13,832 It just baffles 'em. "I tell you what, Mr. Warren. 932 00:43:13,867 --> 00:43:15,938 "I've been in this business for 96 years, 933 00:43:15,972 --> 00:43:17,664 "and I never seen anything like that before. 934 00:43:17,698 --> 00:43:19,873 "I don't know-- I don't know who this joker you hired-- 935 00:43:19,907 --> 00:43:21,702 "You probably got him in the circus. 936 00:43:21,737 --> 00:43:23,566 "I mean, that guy-- wow! 937 00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:26,396 He laid in a 55-47. Should've been a 3-C!" 938 00:43:26,431 --> 00:43:29,710 I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. 939 00:43:29,745 --> 00:43:32,126 Just tell me what-- did he use poor craftsmanship? 940 00:43:32,161 --> 00:43:34,542 "There's no craftsman on this ship, Mr. Warren. 941 00:43:34,577 --> 00:43:36,268 "I can assure you that. I mean, honestly, 942 00:43:36,303 --> 00:43:38,270 "this makes me mad, Mr. Warren.Listen, I'd like to punch 943 00:43:38,305 --> 00:43:39,824 "this guy in the face. I mean, did you have 944 00:43:39,858 --> 00:43:41,446 "a personal beef with him? I've been in the business 945 00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,414 "for 196 years and it just makes me sick 946 00:43:44,449 --> 00:43:46,382 to think that a guy like--" Just stop it! 947 00:43:46,416 --> 00:43:49,454 Just tell me what's wrong. W-W-W-What is it? 948 00:43:49,488 --> 00:43:51,042 Like, did he use the wrong materials? 949 00:43:51,076 --> 00:43:52,906 "I don't know what materials he did use, Mr. Warren. 950 00:43:52,940 --> 00:43:54,701 "That right there, now that looks like, um, 951 00:43:54,735 --> 00:43:56,323 "that's birthday cake frosting right there. 952 00:43:56,357 --> 00:43:58,670 "All right, maybe, maybe this fella thought 953 00:43:58,705 --> 00:44:01,639 "he was baking a birthday cake,you know? 954 00:44:01,673 --> 00:44:03,502 "Don't worry, Mr. Warren. We're gonna get you fixed up. 955 00:44:03,537 --> 00:44:06,402 "Now we are probably gonna haveto tear down your whole house, 956 00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:09,301 "and, uh, tear down the neighbor's house too, 957 00:44:09,336 --> 00:44:11,303 but, uh, you know..." 958 00:44:11,338 --> 00:44:13,374 It's just my bathroom! "Nah, nah. 959 00:44:13,409 --> 00:44:14,721 "This guy really put it to you. 960 00:44:14,755 --> 00:44:16,446 "It's probably gonna cost you about 1.7 million, 961 00:44:16,481 --> 00:44:17,516 "1.9 million. 962 00:44:17,551 --> 00:44:19,691 "Now, if you wouldn't have hired him, 963 00:44:19,726 --> 00:44:21,313 "it'd have been $7, but I can't do anything 964 00:44:21,348 --> 00:44:22,832 about it, Mr. Warren." 965 00:44:26,594 --> 00:44:28,804 Just dirtbags, right? Yeah. 966 00:44:28,838 --> 00:44:33,360 So I think we can agree, um, I'm not a laborer. 967 00:44:33,394 --> 00:44:35,431 Or a farmer. 968 00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:37,605 I'll tell you what I do do for a living. 969 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,573 Travel. 970 00:44:39,607 --> 00:44:41,851 It's tougher. 971 00:44:41,886 --> 00:44:43,404 It's harder than all the other stuff. 972 00:44:43,439 --> 00:44:46,753 It is harder than ironworking or ironing or whatever. 973 00:44:49,479 --> 00:44:52,241 I mean, there's a lot of stuff you guys don't know about. 974 00:44:52,275 --> 00:44:54,208 You ever had an out-of-town haircut? 975 00:44:57,004 --> 00:44:59,558 Terrifying. 976 00:44:59,593 --> 00:45:00,767 'Cause sometimes, you know-- 977 00:45:00,801 --> 00:45:02,251 You guys probably just go to the same person. 978 00:45:02,285 --> 00:45:03,942 Sometimes I'm gone for eight weeks. 979 00:45:03,977 --> 00:45:05,150 I just gotta walk into this place 980 00:45:05,185 --> 00:45:06,634 that I have never been before and say, 981 00:45:06,669 --> 00:45:08,188 hey, can somebody cut my hair? 982 00:45:08,222 --> 00:45:10,086 When you do that, they're not-- 983 00:45:10,121 --> 00:45:11,570 you're not getting their best people. 984 00:45:11,605 --> 00:45:13,745 They're-- they got appointmentslined up for the day. 985 00:45:13,780 --> 00:45:16,265 They're like, "Uh, I guess Tammycan take care of you." 986 00:45:16,299 --> 00:45:19,751 Tammy's like, "I get to do it! I get to do it!" 987 00:45:19,786 --> 00:45:22,340 Tammy has never cut a head of hair in her life. 988 00:45:22,374 --> 00:45:24,894 I'm just sittin' there in the chair, terrified. 989 00:45:24,929 --> 00:45:26,758 Tammy's trying to make small talk with me. 990 00:45:26,793 --> 00:45:28,553 "So, where are you from?" No offense, Tammy. 991 00:45:28,587 --> 00:45:31,556 But I need you focused, all right? 992 00:45:31,590 --> 00:45:33,316 "What are your hobbies?"From the looks of this haircut, 993 00:45:33,351 --> 00:45:35,940 they're gonna be indoor hobbies for the next six weeks. 994 00:45:42,084 --> 00:45:44,189 The travel is like-- the travel's tough, man. 995 00:45:44,224 --> 00:45:46,398 It's tough. It's, uh, it's really tough. 996 00:45:46,433 --> 00:45:48,849 It's, uh-- I mean, I travel on the weekends. 997 00:45:48,884 --> 00:45:51,300 And I stay in hotels. That's fortunate. 998 00:45:51,334 --> 00:45:53,198 I'm lucky. You know, a lot of times they're nice. 999 00:45:53,233 --> 00:45:56,443 But that's when the groups are in the hotels. 1000 00:45:56,477 --> 00:45:59,170 The-- you know the groups, like the soccer kids. 1001 00:45:59,204 --> 00:46:01,275 I-I hate 'em. I hate 'em. 1002 00:46:01,310 --> 00:46:02,794 They just take over the hotel. 1003 00:46:02,829 --> 00:46:04,244 It's like they think they own the place. 1004 00:46:04,278 --> 00:46:05,901 They put signs up on all the doors. 1005 00:46:05,935 --> 00:46:08,662 "Good luck, Connor." "Good luck, Charlie." 1006 00:46:08,696 --> 00:46:11,838 "Good luck, Lincoln." [stammering] 1007 00:46:11,872 --> 00:46:14,185 I came home one night late-- and this really happened-- 1008 00:46:14,219 --> 00:46:16,635 from a show, and they accidentally put a sign up 1009 00:46:16,670 --> 00:46:20,605 on my door that said, "Good luck, Coach." 1010 00:46:20,639 --> 00:46:21,813 For about 6 seconds, I was like, 1011 00:46:21,848 --> 00:46:25,058 did I agree to coach a soccer team? 1012 00:46:25,092 --> 00:46:28,233 What I did do is I posted a cut list on my door. 1013 00:46:30,718 --> 00:46:32,686 It said, "The following team members, 1014 00:46:32,720 --> 00:46:35,965 "turn in your uniforms... 1015 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,519 "and leave the hotel immediately. 1016 00:46:38,554 --> 00:46:40,349 Connor, Charlie, Lincoln." 1017 00:46:40,383 --> 00:46:43,110 I knew all their names 'cause they were on the door, right? 1018 00:46:43,145 --> 00:46:46,320 You're all bad at soccer. Go home. 1019 00:46:46,355 --> 00:46:48,460 Find a new activity. Preferably one 1020 00:46:48,495 --> 00:46:50,428 that does not involve travel. 1021 00:46:54,742 --> 00:46:56,917 Man, I was in a hotel on a weekend 1022 00:46:56,952 --> 00:46:59,333 and there was a farm group there. 1023 00:46:59,368 --> 00:47:00,990 Yeah, the junior farmers. 1024 00:47:01,025 --> 00:47:02,233 You guys know about these guys? 1025 00:47:02,267 --> 00:47:05,236 The FFA?[man] Whoo! 1026 00:47:05,270 --> 00:47:07,272 Yeah, you know the FFA? 1027 00:47:07,307 --> 00:47:09,585 Yeah, the Future Farmers of America. 1028 00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:11,380 The-- yeah, the Future Farm-- 1029 00:47:11,414 --> 00:47:12,795 I was in Indianapolis. 1030 00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:15,660 There were 50,000 future farmers there. 1031 00:47:15,694 --> 00:47:19,906 There's not that many futures in farming, okay? 1032 00:47:19,940 --> 00:47:21,839 They're lying to these kids. Some of 'em are gonna be 1033 00:47:21,873 --> 00:47:23,564 future Walgreen workers of America. 1034 00:47:23,599 --> 00:47:28,121 Like... and they all wear the same blue corduroy coat. 1035 00:47:28,155 --> 00:47:30,157 They got their name on the front 1036 00:47:30,192 --> 00:47:32,746 and their-- you know, their town on the back. 1037 00:47:32,780 --> 00:47:34,713 And it's just-- those are the same coats 1038 00:47:34,748 --> 00:47:36,301 they wore when I was in high school. 1039 00:47:36,336 --> 00:47:38,683 Come on, FFA. Arby's gets new uniforms 1040 00:47:38,717 --> 00:47:41,410 every two years. 1041 00:47:41,444 --> 00:47:43,412 I think the guy that founded FFA 1042 00:47:43,446 --> 00:47:46,104 grossly overestimated how popular it was gonna be 1043 00:47:46,139 --> 00:47:48,348 and made a volume deal on those coats. 1044 00:47:48,382 --> 00:47:52,766 "Eh, you knock a nickel offeach coat, I'll take 7 million." 1045 00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:54,388 "Can we get new coats?" "I'm still sittin' on 1046 00:47:54,423 --> 00:47:57,495 6.98 million. It's, uh..." 1047 00:47:57,529 --> 00:47:59,911 But I wanna say this about the FFA kids. 1048 00:47:59,946 --> 00:48:02,983 Like, they're the nicest kids you will ever meet. 1049 00:48:03,018 --> 00:48:04,951 For teenagers, they are-- yes.[applause] 1050 00:48:04,985 --> 00:48:07,919 They are-- yeah. 1051 00:48:07,954 --> 00:48:11,026 They are the nicest kids. 1052 00:48:11,060 --> 00:48:15,582 But, um... there's too many of 'em, okay? 1053 00:48:15,616 --> 00:48:17,929 There's too many of 'em. They clogged up the hotel. 1054 00:48:17,964 --> 00:48:19,655 The whole hotel was just corduroy. 1055 00:48:19,689 --> 00:48:22,175 Just... [imitating corduroy rubbing] 1056 00:48:22,209 --> 00:48:27,180 [continues imitating corduroy rubbing] 1057 00:48:27,214 --> 00:48:28,802 Just why do you have to stay in a hotel? 1058 00:48:28,836 --> 00:48:30,804 You're a farmer! Sleep outside! 1059 00:48:32,564 --> 00:48:35,429 I had to wait for an elevator for 30 minutes practically. 1060 00:48:35,464 --> 00:48:37,466 I'm like, it's not a grain elevator! 1061 00:48:37,500 --> 00:48:39,192 What are you loading, wheat up there? 1062 00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:43,403 I came downstairs to get my Starbucks the next morning. 1063 00:48:43,437 --> 00:48:45,439 There was like 50 farm kids in front of me, 1064 00:48:45,474 --> 00:48:46,820 just taking their time. I'm like, 1065 00:48:46,854 --> 00:48:49,340 they don't make corn lattes there, bean-picker junior! 1066 00:48:49,374 --> 00:48:52,205 Pick something! 1067 00:48:52,239 --> 00:48:54,034 Wrong choice of words with you guys. 1068 00:48:54,069 --> 00:48:55,863 "Select something." Uh... 1069 00:48:55,898 --> 00:48:58,832 [laughter] 1070 00:49:04,734 --> 00:49:07,220 You know, people ask me what the travel is like. 1071 00:49:07,254 --> 00:49:10,602 You know, "You travel, do you, uh, do you go on vacation? 1072 00:49:10,637 --> 00:49:11,949 'Cause you travel all the time."Like I do. 1073 00:49:11,983 --> 00:49:15,883 I like my vacation spots a little trashy, though. 1074 00:49:15,918 --> 00:49:17,644 I like 'em trashy, I do. 1075 00:49:17,678 --> 00:49:20,336 Like you ever heard a rich person bragging about their spot? 1076 00:49:20,371 --> 00:49:24,547 "Oh, it's a beautiful island. It's completely untouched." 1077 00:49:24,582 --> 00:49:27,516 I'm like, well... touch it. 1078 00:49:29,828 --> 00:49:31,106 That's why I go to Myrtle Beach. 1079 00:49:31,140 --> 00:49:32,624 Let me tell you something, they touched that place. 1080 00:49:32,659 --> 00:49:34,592 They touched it hard. They touched it, 1081 00:49:34,626 --> 00:49:36,145 and they just kept on touching it. 1082 00:49:36,180 --> 00:49:38,527 And they touched it--Like there's more go-kart tracks 1083 00:49:38,561 --> 00:49:41,668 there than there is sand, and I like it. 1084 00:49:41,702 --> 00:49:43,877 I like it, but I don't thinkthey understand their clientele 1085 00:49:43,911 --> 00:49:47,743 'cause I was there and like this one lady at the hotel 1086 00:49:47,777 --> 00:49:50,711 was like, "We have 24 water amenities on our property." 1087 00:49:50,746 --> 00:49:53,611 I was like, what is a water amenity? 1088 00:49:53,645 --> 00:49:56,855 You talkin' about like a drinking fountain? 1089 00:49:56,890 --> 00:49:59,168 There's no like pools and slides and the lazy river. 1090 00:49:59,203 --> 00:50:01,481 I was like, well, you should usethose terms with these people. 1091 00:50:01,515 --> 00:50:03,483 Like, I'm... I'm not trying to stereotype, 1092 00:50:03,517 --> 00:50:05,381 but that guy right there, he's got nine kids 1093 00:50:05,416 --> 00:50:07,280 under the age of 12 and they're all wearing 1094 00:50:07,314 --> 00:50:09,178 different liquor brand T-shirts. 1095 00:50:09,213 --> 00:50:10,938 Like he's not gonna get "amenity." 1096 00:50:10,973 --> 00:50:12,595 [mimics hillbilly accent] "I don't wanna go to a-menity. 1097 00:50:12,630 --> 00:50:13,872 "That don't sound like fun at all. 1098 00:50:13,907 --> 00:50:15,046 "I'm supposed to be on vacation. 1099 00:50:15,081 --> 00:50:16,565 "You don't make me go to a-menity. 1100 00:50:16,599 --> 00:50:18,463 "I don't wanna go to a-menity. I went to church on Sunday. 1101 00:50:18,498 --> 00:50:20,120 "I said four 'Hail Marys' and five a-menities. 1102 00:50:20,155 --> 00:50:21,328 And I ain't gonna say it again." 1103 00:50:21,363 --> 00:50:23,986 No, sir, it's another word for waterslide. 1104 00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:25,677 "Then why didn't you call it a waterslide? 1105 00:50:25,712 --> 00:50:27,265 "This is a trick. It's gonna be like that time 1106 00:50:27,300 --> 00:50:29,129 they told me I won free ticketsto Molly Hatchet, 1107 00:50:29,164 --> 00:50:30,544 "and I showed up and I had warrants. 1108 00:50:30,579 --> 00:50:32,477 "I ain't gonna fall for it. I ain't gonna fall for it. 1109 00:50:32,512 --> 00:50:34,514 "You can fool me once, well, twice. 1110 00:50:34,548 --> 00:50:35,860 "They got me with the Statler Brothers too, 1111 00:50:35,894 --> 00:50:37,517 but I shoulda known better on that one, I think." 1112 00:50:37,551 --> 00:50:40,485 [laughter] 1113 00:50:44,489 --> 00:50:47,354 I actually, I went on one... 1114 00:50:47,389 --> 00:50:49,977 one trip that wasn't trashy, one vacation spot. 1115 00:50:50,012 --> 00:50:51,807 It was Bermuda. 1116 00:50:51,841 --> 00:50:54,568 Yeah, you should go. It's beautiful. 1117 00:50:54,603 --> 00:50:56,363 It's also the shipwreck capital of the world. 1118 00:50:56,398 --> 00:51:00,643 I guess like 500 years ago, there was some pretty bad 1119 00:51:00,678 --> 00:51:03,612 ship drivers down there, 1120 00:51:03,646 --> 00:51:06,201 and they all just, they were hittin' stuff, you know? 1121 00:51:06,235 --> 00:51:08,582 And, and they all sank, and they're still down there. 1122 00:51:08,617 --> 00:51:10,101 You can just swim around and look at 'em, 1123 00:51:10,136 --> 00:51:12,483 and I did, but I felt guilty. 1124 00:51:12,517 --> 00:51:14,278 You know, like I'm on vacation, 1125 00:51:14,312 --> 00:51:18,040 look at the worst mistake somebody made in their life. 1126 00:51:18,075 --> 00:51:20,905 I mean, I made a lot of mistakesin my life, you know, I... 1127 00:51:20,939 --> 00:51:23,528 I totaled my dad's car when I was in high school. 1128 00:51:23,563 --> 00:51:25,668 And I got grounded, but... 1129 00:51:25,703 --> 00:51:28,637 they didn't turn it into a tourist destination. 1130 00:51:30,121 --> 00:51:32,330 If they did, I know who the tour guide would be-- 1131 00:51:32,365 --> 00:51:34,056 my dad. 1132 00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:35,540 The whole tour would be just him 1133 00:51:35,575 --> 00:51:36,921 telling everybody about his insurance rates. 1134 00:51:36,955 --> 00:51:39,855 "They more than doubled, the rates more than doubled! 1135 00:51:39,889 --> 00:51:41,684 You had to multiply it times two." 1136 00:51:41,719 --> 00:51:44,031 Then you go, Jerry, I think they know what doubled... 1137 00:51:44,066 --> 00:51:45,688 Colleen, I told you, this is my tour. 1138 00:51:45,723 --> 00:51:47,483 You wanna run a tour, you run your own tour. 1139 00:51:47,518 --> 00:51:50,003 Where was it? Yeah, yeah, rates more than doubled. 1140 00:51:50,037 --> 00:51:52,039 Then two weeks later, his idiot brother 1141 00:51:52,074 --> 00:51:53,938 wrecks another one of my cars. 1142 00:51:53,972 --> 00:51:57,286 Garry Lake calls me, he's beenmy insurance agent for 40 years. 1143 00:51:57,321 --> 00:51:59,150 He said, "Jerry, we gotta drop you. 1144 00:51:59,185 --> 00:52:00,669 You understand me? Drop you!" 1145 00:52:00,703 --> 00:52:02,153 I had the same guy for 40... 1146 00:52:02,188 --> 00:52:04,051 Jerry, I think they know what it means to be dropped. 1147 00:52:04,086 --> 00:52:07,365 Colleen, I told you this is my tour! 1148 00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:09,195 Not like you never made any mistakes in your life. 1149 00:52:09,229 --> 00:52:11,024 I made two mistakes in my life, 1150 00:52:11,058 --> 00:52:13,095 and neither one of those idiots can drive! 1151 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:16,133 [laughter and applause] 1152 00:52:26,039 --> 00:52:30,319 I don't wanna keep coming back to this, but... 1153 00:52:30,354 --> 00:52:32,666 there's gotta be at least onegreen bean plant in Iowa, right? 1154 00:52:32,701 --> 00:52:34,703 Like these guys, they act like they never 1155 00:52:34,737 --> 00:52:36,843 have heard of that vegetable. 1156 00:52:36,877 --> 00:52:38,362 It's a very popular ve-- I-- I looked it up. 1157 00:52:38,396 --> 00:52:40,398 You know what the number-one green bean-producing state is? 1158 00:52:40,433 --> 00:52:43,021 Wisconsin. That touches Iowa. 1159 00:52:43,056 --> 00:52:44,506 They've heard of it. They're neighbors. 1160 00:52:44,540 --> 00:52:46,163 I live in Missouri. We touch Illinois. 1161 00:52:46,197 --> 00:52:48,717 I've heard of Abraham Lincoln, okay? 1162 00:52:48,751 --> 00:52:50,132 [laughter] 1163 00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:54,171 We also touch Kansas. I've heard of the band Kansas. 1164 00:52:58,175 --> 00:53:00,763 Here's the thing, man, I-I-- through all this, 1165 00:53:00,798 --> 00:53:02,627 I have learned some respect for farmers. 1166 00:53:02,662 --> 00:53:06,424 I couldn't do it. I mean, I havea plastic plant at my house. 1167 00:53:06,459 --> 00:53:08,564 I've learned a lot, though. I really have. 1168 00:53:08,599 --> 00:53:11,222 I said I travel. Lately, I-I travel 1169 00:53:11,257 --> 00:53:12,706 and then I try to go see a farm. 1170 00:53:12,741 --> 00:53:14,052 I've been to like five or six farms, 1171 00:53:14,087 --> 00:53:15,226 and I have learned some stuff. 1172 00:53:15,261 --> 00:53:16,641 I've learned some pretty cool stuff. 1173 00:53:16,676 --> 00:53:20,645 I learned about, uh, it's not just field and sweet, 1174 00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:21,888 there's seed corn. 1175 00:53:21,922 --> 00:53:23,855 Now, the seed corn farmers, they just, 1176 00:53:23,890 --> 00:53:26,237 they do this thing called detasseling, okay? 1177 00:53:26,272 --> 00:53:29,965 What they do is, every year, right around August, 1178 00:53:29,999 --> 00:53:32,278 they go up and down all the cornrows, 1179 00:53:32,312 --> 00:53:35,384 and they have to snip off the male part of the corn, 1180 00:53:35,419 --> 00:53:40,700 the tassel, and they have to get 99.7% of these tassels 1181 00:53:40,734 --> 00:53:41,873 or it doesn't work. 1182 00:53:41,908 --> 00:53:44,738 And to perform this very precise operation, 1183 00:53:44,773 --> 00:53:48,984 they hire teenagers and ex-convicts, 1184 00:53:49,018 --> 00:53:53,057 two groups not known for makingany mistakes in their lives. 1185 00:53:53,091 --> 00:53:55,093 I swear to you, they do it. They send their kids 1186 00:53:55,128 --> 00:53:57,406 out under the corn fields on a school bus 1187 00:53:57,441 --> 00:53:59,132 with convicted felons. 1188 00:53:59,166 --> 00:54:01,721 What could go wrong? "How was it, son?" 1189 00:54:01,755 --> 00:54:03,688 "It was great, Dad. One-Eyed Pete showed us 1190 00:54:03,723 --> 00:54:06,035 "how to make a shiv out of a corncob. 1191 00:54:06,070 --> 00:54:08,037 "He shanked the bus driver. I think he's going 1192 00:54:08,072 --> 00:54:10,557 back to the joint to do another nickel-dime stretch." 1193 00:54:10,592 --> 00:54:13,526 [laughter] 1194 00:54:16,322 --> 00:54:18,289 And I learned-- I came over here to Illinois, 1195 00:54:18,324 --> 00:54:20,326 and a guy taught me about cover crops. 1196 00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:23,190 Now, cover crops,that's a thing, sometimes they-- 1197 00:54:23,225 --> 00:54:25,400 they just plant stuff and they don't use it. 1198 00:54:25,434 --> 00:54:27,540 They just use it to make the ground healthier. 1199 00:54:27,574 --> 00:54:29,507 They just till it underneath the ground. 1200 00:54:29,542 --> 00:54:30,646 That's awesome. 1201 00:54:30,681 --> 00:54:32,579 I mean, if I was a farmer, 1202 00:54:32,614 --> 00:54:34,754 built-in excuse, right, for a bad crop. 1203 00:54:34,788 --> 00:54:36,894 "Greg, your cantaloupes look terrible." 1204 00:54:36,928 --> 00:54:38,378 "Those are 'coverloupes.'" 1205 00:54:38,413 --> 00:54:40,656 [laughter] 1206 00:54:40,691 --> 00:54:42,244 "All your crops look terrible." 1207 00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:44,557 "They're all cover crops this year." 1208 00:54:44,591 --> 00:54:46,283 "You didn't say anything about that during the spring." 1209 00:54:46,317 --> 00:54:48,319 "That's 'cause they're undercover crops." 1210 00:54:48,354 --> 00:54:51,288 [laughter and applause] 1211 00:54:54,049 --> 00:54:55,533 So I appreciate the farmers. 1212 00:54:55,568 --> 00:54:59,226 But I mean, farmers, we do stuff for you guys, too. 1213 00:54:59,261 --> 00:55:03,161 I mean, we eat a lot of your stuff, but... 1214 00:55:03,196 --> 00:55:05,163 aside from that, we do stuff. 1215 00:55:05,198 --> 00:55:07,096 Daylight savings time... 1216 00:55:07,131 --> 00:55:09,478 [scattered laughter] 1217 00:55:09,513 --> 00:55:12,654 ...you're welcome, okay? 'Cause... 1218 00:55:12,688 --> 00:55:14,207 that's a hardship for us. 1219 00:55:14,241 --> 00:55:17,210 'Cause in the Midwest, you know,it gets dark in December 1220 00:55:17,244 --> 00:55:20,144 at about 3:45, and we're all sad. 1221 00:55:20,178 --> 00:55:21,525 We're all depressed. 1222 00:55:21,559 --> 00:55:24,873 You know, we're all borderline suicidal. 1223 00:55:24,907 --> 00:55:26,806 We all have seasonal effectiveness disorder 1224 00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:29,912 which should be called farmer's disease and... 1225 00:55:29,947 --> 00:55:33,122 we do that so the farmers can have a couple extra hours 1226 00:55:33,157 --> 00:55:35,608 to plant stuff in the summer, and that's fine, that's fine. 1227 00:55:35,642 --> 00:55:38,231 But... they better be using it, all right? 1228 00:55:38,265 --> 00:55:41,821 Like I'm... I'm driving bysome of these farms this summer, 1229 00:55:41,855 --> 00:55:43,650 and if it's light out and they're not out there, 1230 00:55:43,685 --> 00:55:46,032 I'm knockin' on some doors, okay? 1231 00:55:46,066 --> 00:55:48,379 Hey, hey, hey, we weren't all sad for six months 1232 00:55:48,414 --> 00:55:50,519 so you can sit insideand watch "Hee Haw," all right? 1233 00:55:50,554 --> 00:55:53,350 You get out there and you farm something. 1234 00:55:53,384 --> 00:55:56,249 Half the country's on Zoloft because of you guys. 1235 00:56:03,912 --> 00:56:07,260 And... I went back. 1236 00:56:07,294 --> 00:56:09,089 I went back to Iowa. 1237 00:56:09,124 --> 00:56:12,023 I went to a soybean farm. 1238 00:56:12,058 --> 00:56:14,371 Face-to-face with the bean pickers. 1239 00:56:14,405 --> 00:56:16,718 And I met a soybean farmer, 1240 00:56:16,752 --> 00:56:18,961 and he told me about crop rotation. 1241 00:56:18,996 --> 00:56:21,826 So I guess you can't plant the same crop 1242 00:56:21,861 --> 00:56:24,415 on the same piece of land two seasons in a row. 1243 00:56:24,450 --> 00:56:26,935 And... they take it seriously. 1244 00:56:26,969 --> 00:56:28,281 He's like, oh, you don't go bean-on-bean. 1245 00:56:28,315 --> 00:56:30,525 You don't do it. You do not go bean-on-bean. 1246 00:56:30,559 --> 00:56:33,148 You can't go bean-on-bean. That's just-- it's not right. 1247 00:56:33,182 --> 00:56:34,632 It's not farming. You don't go bean-on-bean. 1248 00:56:34,667 --> 00:56:37,532 You don't-- you don't do that. It's not-- it's not farming. 1249 00:56:37,566 --> 00:56:40,017 I'm like, does anybody? Pssh... 1250 00:56:40,051 --> 00:56:43,572 Elmer down the road, bean on bean on bean on bean. 1251 00:56:43,607 --> 00:56:45,091 It's a disgrace. It's not farming, okay? 1252 00:56:45,125 --> 00:56:46,644 It's an embarrassment to the community, 1253 00:56:46,679 --> 00:56:47,921 I'll tell you that. 1254 00:56:47,956 --> 00:56:49,440 Guy probably didn't rotate his tires 1255 00:56:49,475 --> 00:56:50,786 or his undershirts either. 1256 00:56:53,651 --> 00:56:55,239 And then they told me about soybeans. 1257 00:56:55,273 --> 00:56:56,620 Like I didn't know all this stuff. 1258 00:56:56,654 --> 00:56:58,932 They just-- they-- I justthought you eat 'em or whatever. 1259 00:56:58,967 --> 00:57:01,314 They make a lot of stuff. Ink, a lot of ink 1260 00:57:01,348 --> 00:57:03,316 comes from soybeans, did you know that? 1261 00:57:03,350 --> 00:57:05,007 A lot of the ink you use comes from soybeans. 1262 00:57:05,042 --> 00:57:07,009 And it makes a lot of sense. 1263 00:57:07,044 --> 00:57:08,528 You ever been writing with a pen 1264 00:57:08,563 --> 00:57:11,497 and it runs out of ink way before the other pens? 1265 00:57:14,465 --> 00:57:16,398 That's bean-on-bean ink right there. 1266 00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:19,953 Like that's...[laughter] 1267 00:57:19,988 --> 00:57:22,128 [cheering and applause] 1268 00:57:22,162 --> 00:57:24,406 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 1269 00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:26,028 [cheering and applause] 1270 00:57:26,063 --> 00:57:28,272 ♪♪Thank you. 1271 00:57:28,306 --> 00:57:31,240 [music continues] 1272 00:57:36,798 --> 00:57:39,456 I farm with corn and soybeans and a little hay. 1273 00:57:39,490 --> 00:57:42,942 We had a couple of male cows, chickens. 1274 00:57:42,976 --> 00:57:44,978 Soybeans, corn, and five chickens. 1275 00:57:45,013 --> 00:57:46,014 Hogs. 1276 00:57:46,048 --> 00:57:47,049 Beans and corn. 1277 00:57:47,084 --> 00:57:48,223 Beef cows. 1278 00:57:48,257 --> 00:57:49,707 Try to get out early 1279 00:57:49,742 --> 00:57:51,847 and get a little corn planted, some soybeans. 1280 00:57:51,882 --> 00:57:53,400 Do a little wheat. 1281 00:57:53,435 --> 00:57:54,885 We farm corn and soybeans. 1282 00:57:54,919 --> 00:57:55,955 Corn and beans. 1283 00:57:55,989 --> 00:57:57,059 Corn and soybeans. 1284 00:57:57,094 --> 00:57:59,855 We raise corn and beans... 1285 00:57:59,890 --> 00:58:01,374 and a big garden. 1286 00:58:01,408 --> 00:58:04,411 I-I don't think Greg Warren knows anything about farming. 1287 00:58:04,446 --> 00:58:06,275 I hope he's funny. I left the farm for him. 1288 00:58:06,310 --> 00:58:07,518 I just hope he's funny. 1289 00:58:07,553 --> 00:58:09,520 I hope he's as funny as Larry the Cable Man. 1290 00:58:09,555 --> 00:58:11,211 [laughs] He definitely doesn't know 1291 00:58:11,246 --> 00:58:12,730 what he's talking about. 1292 00:58:12,765 --> 00:58:15,733 [engine sputtering] 1293 00:58:15,768 --> 00:58:18,771 ♪♪