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Fuck, I shouldn't have brought you to the studio.
I shouldn't have brought YOU to the studio.
Hi. My name is Marc-Uwe, this film's narrator.
And the kangaroo is here, foo.
You mean you're here, foo.
-I'd like to tell you my story. -Your story? Are you kidding?
-Are you going to butt in all the time? -You're butting in.
-Okay, may I tell "our” story now, please? -Go ahead.
Please, start.
I'm not holding you back.
-Start. -All right. Cue the film.
Help! Help!
No, no, stop.
Start way before that. Rewind.
You drive me crazy.
Hello. Marc-Uwe...
No, no. Way before that.
Know what? Best if you start right at the beginning.
Fine. I'll start right at the beginning.
WHAT HAPPENED SO FAR
NOTHING
There once was a spot
where material and energy density were infinite.
A singularity
where the general theory of relativity did not apply.
And then, the following happened.
The goddamn big bang? Seriously?
-You said right from the beginning. -You're such a nitpicker.
Wait, I have a good start now.
13.8 BILLION YEARS LATER
Once upon a time, not long ago
in a galaxy very, very close by...
Sorry to interrupt, but you promised Nirvana would play at the beginning.
-That is not Nirvana. -Any idea how much it costs?
We spent all our budget on Hasselhoff.
I should never have agreed to be in a German comedy!
I had an offer from Marvel. This never would've happened.
Stop whining.
Help me find a good start for the film.
I think we've screwed it up already.
That is me, by the way. A young man with a migraine background.
That's not you!
No, of course not. That's the actor who plays me.
I'd have liked to play myself, but I'm too...
-Too old and ugly? -I'm not an actor.
Now shut up. This is my movie.
-Did you see the poster? -Who wrote the book?
It's not called "The Marc-Uwe Chronicles”.
This is my movie, and...
AUDIO COMMENTARY OFF
Think of your migraine as an annoying aunt,
who comes to visit every once in a while.
The best thing is to take a walk with Auntie Migraine.
Hi! I just rented the place across the hall a few days ago.
Well, maybe "rented" isn't the right way to put it!
I wanted to make some pancakes and realized I forgot to buy eggs.
I see.
Oh... Right.
Your doorbell sounds terrible.
Four eggs will do.
-Thank you very much. -No problem.
Wow, that was quick.
I just realized I don't have any salt either.
For the pancakes, you know?
And if you'd have some milk, too... Otherwise, they get too dry.
MOVIE MILK
And half a bag of flour. It not supposed to be an omelet!
HALF A BAG OF FLOUR
That is so kind of you. Thanks.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
-Good thinking! -Yeah, right?
If you happen to have a whisk and a bowl...
This is my answering machine. Say "peep” after your message.
-Very kind, thanks. -Maria here.
-And... -Wow, an answering machine.
Thought they only existed in movies with sloppy exposition.
I need a babysitter,
but it seems you're not lounging around at home as usual. Pity. "Peep!”
No, no...
No stove.
Yeah...
Not into tidying up either, huh?
May I ask what your job is?
-Why? -You're at home all day.
And no offense, but it's...
well past 3 p.m. and you're still in your pajamas.
-I'm an artist. -Really?
- I work nights. -Aha.
-A self-selling artist? -Self-employed.
-With music and stuff? -Yeah, sometimes.
-Play something, then. -No.
Go on!
Don't worry, I used to sing, too. In a punk band called "The Sick Sisters".
Your song can't be any worse than that.
Yeah, cool.
You hang around with me a lot
You share everything I've got
-You're a sort of hobby artist. -No, I'm not.
And you perform that? That was pretty mediocre.
-And what about you? -Me? What do you mean?
-Sorry, it's 3 p.m. and you're... -I'm a communist.
-Is that a problem? -Nope.
Your family's over, but you have no table?
And what about you?
I'm an anarchist.
-A moderate anarchist. -Cool!
We can be friends until the revolution starts!
Things will get tricky after that.
-Police. -Yes.
Exactly. We police.
-We ARE the police. -Right.
Have you ever seen a kangaroo here?
No.
It's an animal with a pouch, long tail, pointy ears...
- I know what a kangaroo looks like. -May we come in?
-Absolutely not. -Thank you.
Hold on.
The property facility informed us
that a kangaroo has occupied an apartment here.
But you didn't bump into a kangaroo here?
Nope...
Excuse me, what are you doing? All this is private.
-We're just doing our job. -Okay.
Don't you want to take a look under my bed?
Maybe you'll find my privacy there, cause I lost it a few minutes ago.
Oh, no... No!
Call us if you see a kangaroo, okay?
Okay. Here's my top tip: Australia.
Mr. Klinger!
-Happy birthday from your phone company! -What?
You're our last landline customer in Kreuzberg...
-Thanks. -...So this wonderful bouquet is for you.
Perhaps you could...
All right, maybe next time then.
It's only me.
Thank you so much.
-Excuse me... -Real nice of you not to snitch on me.
Excuse me, why are you bringing your stuff...?
Let's be on first-name terms.
Seems dumb to be so formal since we're going to live together.
Don't you think?
Champagne truffles?
No, thanks. I don't like them...
I'll hang my hammock here, if that's okay with you.
And the punching bag here?
-This is my living room... -"Mine", "yours".
Those are merely categories of the bourgeoisie.
How are the pancakes coming along? Didn't you want to make pancakes?
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
You and ... the two of us, I mean.
THE KANGAROO CHRONICLES
You hang around with me a lot
Yeah, so what?
You share everything I've got
How nice of me!
-You vacuum in the middle of the night -Better than not at all
What you do differs from everything Everyone thinks right
Your behavior leads me to believe
That we might be friends
That's pretty far-fetched!
Your behavior leads me to believe
-That we might be friends -That's what YOU think
-If I have a date you are not leavin' -A dale? Seriously?
When I help you, you say we're even It's really awesome...
-Catch! -...how you make every conflict worse
I just want to let you know...
-Uh-huh? -You get on my nerves!
Your behavior leads me to believe
That we might be friends
Slam dunk, you losers!
Your behavior leads me to believe
That we might be friends
Let's say good acquaintances
When I have a plan You think yours is better
And rightly so
When I am all upset You're even upsetter
That's not a word!
There's no one I'd rather argue with
Because I know we agree That everybody else is really
-...much dumber than we! -True
Your behavior leads me to believe
-That we might be friends -I've heard enough. Time for me to join in
Get up!
A YEAR LATER
Oh... so that's it? Too bad.
Today we're reporting from the headquarters of Our Homeland Inc.
I'm joined here by Jörg Dwigs.
Mr. Dwigs, why would a successful businessman
get involved in politics as a right-wing populist?
Right-wing populist... Please.
Jörg Dwigs expresses the will of the people.
And I think what our country needs is a little healthy patriotism.
"Healthy patriotism". Sounds like "benign tumor".
It might not be life-threatening, but it's still a tumor, you know?
Whatever.
All right. The first rule of the boxing club is:
don't talk about the boxing club.
The second rule of the boxing club is:
don't talk about the boxing club. Why is this easy to remember?
It's the same as the first rule.
And the third and last rule of the boxing club is?
-If you see a Nazi, punch him. -Right. Go for it!
-Come on, I'm a Nazi. -Hey.
It's sweet of you to babysit,
but there are people here who at this time in the morning...
11:30 a.m.?
...who at 11:30 a.m. would still like to sleep.
-Is there a friendly version of you, too? -Just the tired, pissed off and angry one.
-What are you up to anyway? -The boxing club.
I thought we're not supposed to talk about it?
Ah, right. That's true.
-Hey, join in, we can... -Ouch!
Yeah, yeah, that's the way to do it!
Look for their weak spot and shield your face.
Otherwise, I can deliver an uppercut and...
When you go back to your mom, remember the first two rules, okay?
I'll get you a champagne truffle.
Finally...
-Are you serious? -It wasn't me, it came from outside.
I'm allergic to house dust!
Look at that!
-Run for your lives. I'm off. -Me, too.
I'm too young to die.
Many wonder how you were able to persuade the city
to let you build over Görlitzer Park?
That is yet another manipulative question.
We're building over 40% of the land, not 100%.
The question should be: is this even a park?
It's more like a drug distribution center.
A place where useless individuals hang out.
There will never be a revolution if you just laze around in the park like that.
What do you mean?
Your anarchism is so moderate that you could join the Social Democratic Party.
-You could even become their chairman. -No need to be so mean.
I need to eat or I'll get a migraine.
Luckily, I have some food.
Want some?
Cold pancake, cold fish fingers...
...and champagne truffles.
Rangakoo likes trumpagne chuffies...
-Heinrich! -Heinrich!
Go away! Go away!
Go away!
Get off of me!
Come here, boy! Stop!
Sit! Stay put!
Naughty doggy!
-Dude, somebody just kicked your dog. -That... That...
That is not allowed?
That is something I always dreamed of doing!
French bulldogs don't fly so well.
Aerodynamically, they're sort of clumsy.
A Pomeranian or a Pekinese would have flown 15 feet further.
-Which breed flies best? -Chihuahuas fly pretty good.
But it depends on how they are sheared.
He won't be doing that again.
-Did you just kick my dog? -Yeah.
Did you just kick his dog?
Me no speak German.
Playing the foreigner might have been a bad choice. Look.
GERMAN REICH
The world can consider itself lucky that Germany didn't expand like that tattoo!
How'd you like it if I hit your kangaroo?
How'd you like it if he would hit your kangaroo?
Bring it on!
Technically, it's not my kangaroo. It belongs to itself.
I'm very touchy when it comes to ownership not only concerning means of production.
-Are you communists, or what? -Yeah, are you...
Back for seconds?
I made better contact with him this time.
He won't be doing that again.
I didn't think we'd get out of that so easily.
All right, you wimps. Who's turn is it? Want some more?
Run, Forrest! Run!
Hey, you jerk! You're blocking two spaces. What's your problem?
-Shut up! -Sucker!
If we don't stop that asshole, he'll evict us.
Don't worry, Maria. I was born here behind that bar.
My mom was on night shift. I just plopped out. Precipitate labor.
I was the sixth kid. What do you expect?
That road was paved.
Come on, time to go.
-Bye. -Bye.
I can't stand it.
This rat hole right next to our lovely tower.
But we do love the historical building structure, honey bunny.
-Outta the way! -It was good for PR, believe me.
Hey, get out of the way.
-Sorry. -Oh, God.
-Get your hands off me! -I just wanted to help. Where's the key?
-Chill, it's in my pouch. -They're coming.
-Are you crazy? - I said: "Get out of the way!"
-Asshole! -The key. Do you have it?
- I need supplies. -Where is the key?
-Check this out. - I meant the key to the door, stupid!
-Cigarettes! No matter which kind. -Right away.
-Do it now. -I am.
-They're here. -Take a chill pill.
Now, please. Do you have it or not?
Yes, I do. Hold on.
Wait for it...
No, that's not it. What about your key, huh?
-Do you speak German? -No, no.
Me no German. Me Turkish man.
-Move it, move it, move it! -Yeah, yeah.
You're so totally unchilled, man.
That's not it. That's not it, either.
-Now what do we do? -Oh...
-Let's all just take it real easy. -What do we do?
Don't make any mistakes. You are four Nazis.
We're not Nazis, we're patriots.
Sure, four patriots.
However, according to the Bertelsmann Foundation,
one of you four Naz... patriots, is an informer for the secret service.
And have you guys ever wondered
which of you is the informer?
Move it.
Good day.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed. So dumb.
Let. Go. Let go.
-So that's your car? -Great.
That's so typical for foreigners.
-You not work, but a flashy car. -It's not my car, it's his.
-Just borrowed. -Yeah, it's his dad's.
But leave the car out of this.
You have no idea what his dad is like.
-I'd rather have you punch me. -Yeah, better punch him.
Oh, I bet that hurt.
So you mean the car
doesn't want to get to know my basketball bat?
"Baseball" bat, and no, it doesn't.
-So I shouldn't do this then? -No, please don't.
Germany is a beautiful country. We love Europe.
But soon Europe will belong to the Ottoman Empire. Very soon... we're a world power.
-Germans always say we steal jobs... -I shouldn't do this either, huh?
Yeah, please don't.
- I shouldn't slash the tires either, huh? -That assumption is absolutely right.
- I have nothing against Arabs. -They're Turks, darling.
- I have nothing against Turks, either. -In Turkey!
100% organic and German.
Sweetie, don't forget your salmonella intolerance.
I've digested a lot worse things.
Are they insane?
Are you stupid, or what?
I'll bash in something else if you don't change your tune.
A rude shit, just like your son!
That there is not my son.
This is my son.
You bunch of fuckwits.
Okay, calm down everyone or somebody will start crying.
Enough of this crap!
Man, I told you!
I'm so rich I don't care!
I have two more of these!
A black one, a red one, and a gold one.
Thanks, but I was completely in control of the situation.
Yeah, sure. Are you okay?
Yes, thanks.
Now would be a good time to talk to her.
Maria...
Listen, I wanted...
In case you haven't got any better plans...
-You know what I mean. -Are you still in your pajamas?
So, what he's been meaning to ask you for a while now, is
if you'd go out with him?
-He's not good with feelings and stuff. -True.
That's totally sweet. Tell him it would be lovely to go out with him,
but unfortunately it's against the rules.
I see. I'll tell him.
She can't go out with you because it's against the rules.
-What rules? -No idea.
- I hope you have insurance. -You don't know who you're dealing with.
No, you don't know who YOU'RE dealing with.
The other one, sweetheart.
REAL ESTATE OUR HOMELAND INC.
ALTERNATIVE TO DEMOCRACY
Mr. Dwigs. I didn't recognize you.
Here you go.
Where is my rabbit's foot?
- I don't know what you mean. -On the car key.
There was a rabbit's foot.
The rabbit's foot
is the only thing I have left of my father.
Jörg, I'm a friend of your fathers.
I have something for you.
This lucky charm
has been in your family for generations.
When your father fought in WW2, he wore it around his neck every day.
Your father knew that if the Russians were to find the rabbit's foot,
they would confiscate it.
So... he hid it
in the only safe place he knew.
Up his ass.
He carried the rabbit's foot around up his ass for two years.
And then...
when he got dysentery, he gave it to me.
! hid it up my ass for two years.
And now, little man...
I'm giving it to you.
I'll handle this. Calm down.
Jörg.
-Sorry, we can't pay for this. -Because we don't work.
Who's talking about money?
If they don't give the rabbit's foot back voluntarily, you guys are my Plan B.
Oot scover.
The way you distort words is terrible.
-You mean, when I litch swetters? - I think it's funny.
Look at that! That there...
is the Bud Spencer sledge hammer!
So how long will the building work go on for?
Five years?
From today, Kreuzberg is as dead as my mother.
I was born here behind the bar. My mom was on night shift, I just plopped out.
-Precipitate labor. -Precipitate labor.
You need to fight back, just like the guys up there.
It's not that easy, Jesus.
One day your Kid is going to hate you for that name, Maria.
Well, if it's any use, I have an idea for a pretty radical protest song.
Hello, everyone.
Hello.
-A non-alcoholic beer, please. -We don't have any.
You heard. We don't have any.
A normal one, then.
Wouldn't be surprised if the kid becomes a moron too.
This morning my husband lost something left to him by his father.
He's very attached to it.
A rabbit's foot about this big.
I'm sure that one of you has it.
If he or she gives it to me now, the next round is on me!
If he doesn't get it back, this could become very unpleasant for all of you.
"Unpleasant"? Is someone talking about me?
I can be real unpleasant, too.
And I'm not talking about an ugly graffiti.
-Graffito. -What?
"Graffiti" is plural, the singular is "graffito".
Someday someone's gonna beat the shit out of you for something like that so hard,
and I'll stay with you until you come back to your senses so I can say,
"Told you so."
What's this "graffito" nonsense?
You don't say, "You have a spaghetto stuck to your chin."
Even if that's the most correct of all singulars.
"Singuli”, Herta.
We don't have any rabbit's foot. Tell your honey bunny that.
Good riddance!
Now how are we gonna make things a bit "unpleasant"?
A little terrorist attack?
Dwigs is doing the terror.
What we must organize is...
an anti-terrorist attack.
And what do you have in mind?
We are all the park! We are all the park!
We are all the park!
We are all the park! We are all the park!
The tower must go! Come on! The tower must go!
The tower must go! Louder!
Are we running?
I am joined by one of the organizers of the so-called "Tuesday Demos".
-Would you tell us your name? -Sure. Friedrich-Wilhelm Yilmaz.
That's a rather unusual name.
Yeah, my parents were very willing to integrate.
They were very "Wilhelm" to integrate!
It's better than my brother's.
-Tell them your name. -I don't want to.
Go on, tell her your name.
Otto-Von.
-La vache qui rit. -Are you here for the demo?
No, I just wanted to buy a hand blender.
Okay, thank you.
Bribery and corruption allegations, residents protesting.
The 600-million-euro project of the Europe-tower is facing growing resistance.
Possibly because it is the pet project of the chairman of the AZD,
Jörg Dwigs.
I, Jörg Dwigs, tireless fighter against the establishment...
My lucky charm! That oversized rat...
-Jeanette! -This guy is the establishment!
What is it, honey bunny?
-I'm good. -Yeah?
Come on. Take a picture for Instagram.
"Destroy what destroys you."
Hashtag: fake news.
I don't know, you look a little...
-Perfect. I'd vote for me. -So would.
Honey bunny...
-I'd like to call your therapist. -Nonsense!
Come on, you need a session.
-I'll tell him you're on your way. -Okay, but right now please.
Psychotherapeutic practice Lietzensee, how may I help you?
-Hello. -Mrs. Dwigs?
Yes. It's time again.
I'll tell him right away.
And how did you feel?
To be honest, I didn't feel anything.
I often feel that I lack emotions.
I think that you often feel... How shall I put it?
That you lack emotions.
Crazy.
Many of my patients are amazed by my empathy,
but then again, I spent years studying.
Go on.
The clock is ticking.
Yes. Quite often...
I get the feeling that everything I say or do
is somehow pointless... because no one really listens to me.
Do you mind if I eat something?
- Haven't had a bite to eat all day. -Go ahead.
The kangaroo thinks
that I don't lack emotions, but that I have inhibitions.
Have you ever tried...
Have you ever tried alcohol?
-Excuse me? -It helps a lot of my patients.
I have to admit that I myself...
don't mind having a bottle of brandy every now and then.
-Seriously? -Yes, yes.
-That's your advice? -Sure. Absolutely.
Let's get back to the kangaroo.
I'd rather we talked about me...
Do you only hear its voice?
Or can you see it as well?
What sort of question is that? Sure I see it. It lives with me.
Of course. Of course.
We need to do something to get that beach body.
Hello, dear TV viewers. It's Johnny Helge with you once again.
! have an exercise mat,
and we'll begin with sit-ups.
Oh, no, not sit-ups.
Everyone knows how it's done. Lie on the floor.
Hands behind your head...
A kangaroo? I mean, a kangaroo?
That's a lovable animal. A sweet little creature.
One of my patients believes
that a pig lives underneath his bed.
-He even smells it. -You shouldn't be telling me this.
You think it doesn't bother me spending the whole day
listening to random strangers' shitty problems?
I have to talk to someone about it at some point, too.
-Hello. Sorry about this. -One of our patients is outside.
-Who is it? -He who must not be named.
Jesus! Excuse me! Please come.
I'm afraid that we have to interrupt your session at this point.
But I just...
One...
Two...
Three...
Four...
If you have heating at home, I encourage you to stick your feet
under the radiator,
or get your husband or wife or your wives...
Yeah, yeah. Did you forget your key again?
So we meet again.
Hi.
Can I get you something?
Perhaps a few champagne truffles?
What is that?
-What? -That thing.
Supply and demand. Ever heard of it?
-Want some? -No way!
Hey, hey, hang on!
-What's up? -Did you pay for that?
-It's free beer today. It says so outside. -Where? Show me.
-Where? -There.
FREE BEER TODAY
-Was that you? -Otto.
The display is on your unencrypted Wi-Fi, and the password is "1-2-3-4".
WE ARE ALL THE PARK
Hi.
Marc-Uwe, it's 1 p.m. Did you just fall out of your bed?
No...
I went to see my psychotherapist.
Really, you have a shrink?
Yes, my parents
gave me ten sessions as a birthday present
because I quit studying philosophy...
Hey, Marc-Uwe!
Want a mate tea? My treat. Come here.
Come on!
Excuse me.
Give up? I'll count to three, then I'm gonna kick your butts!
One, two, threeeeeee!
-Here, dude. -Thanks.
Hey! I wanted to tell you something.
Maybe you should look for a girl in your price range.
Know what I mean?
And what is my price range?
-Well, more like... discounter. -Discounter.
-No offense. -Nope. No offense.
-Anyway she couldn't. -It's against the rules.
You know the rules?
Hey, what are you doing?
What is it up to again?
Let me... Let me go!
Are you all right?
Ah, another one who's slow on the intake.
-Uptake. -What?
You say "slow on the uptake."
See? I warned you, dude.
No, no, no!
Oh, God. Not my lovely guitar...
We have a message for you two.
-You stealed from the wrong guy. -"Stole".
-What do you think got stolen by us? -"Stole".
-Where's the damn rabbit's foot? -What?
-The rabbit's foot. -Where the hell is it?
-The damn lucky charm. - I have no idea.
Okay, you asked for this.
No, dude, no! What...?
-Not on the nice rug, man! -The damn rabbit's foot?
This is your last chance.
Choke on it.
We're so rich we don't care.
Heinrich!
We have two more carpets.
One in the bathroom and...
one at his parents'.
Sorry, dude.
Skipping rope.
Are you okay? Are you hurt?
You always screw up, dude.
What did you want with the rabbit's foot?
I don't know.
It sort of spoke to me, you know?
"Take me!", it said.
Promise you'll never do shit like that again.
-Yes. -Yes?
Yeah, word of honor as a communist youth.
That rug really tied the room together.
When do we strike back?
The sooner the better. But how do we strike back?
We could simply call the cops.
How about a photo?
Don't look so dumb.
-Hello. -Boy, does that stink!
He smells, not me.
OUR HOMELAND, INC.
-Excuse me, where are you going? -Upstairs.
Wait. Where exactly are you going?
Carpet delivery for Mrs. Dwigs.
I don't know anything about a carpet.
Mrs. Dwigs is minutes away from giving birth.
She decided very spontaneously to have an office birth on her own carpet.
On this very carpet, but not a word.
-Bodengutachten? -Expertise.
The groundbreaking ceremony takes place next week.
-You can't! This isn't a good time. -Of course it is.
-What's going on? -We have an appointment.
I couldn't stop them.
"We can do it", as we say in Germany.
Why are you here?
Because your Nazis peed on our rug.
Call security.
And they smashed my guitar as well.
-We want a new rug. -And a new guitar.
I don't care about the guitar.
Let me tell you something.
Learning from America means learning to win.
You'll fail! The Antisocial Network will take you down!
Antisocial Network?
-Hang on. - I thought our group needed a catchy name.
In America, patriots have regained power.
And do you know what the symbol of this takeover is?
Blow-dried hair?
A Twitter account?
Do you know what this is?
The result of a phallic inferiority complex?
-Am I right? -Yes.
This is the future.
The Europatower.
Or the Dwigs Tower,
as we like to call it behind closed doors.
Planned and financed by patriotic movements from 16 different nations.
17. You forgot Bavaria.
Do you know why
I'm building our main headquarters in Kreuzberg?
In this filthy center...
-...of the left and green multicultural... -Hey, you! Take me with you.
No, why?
Because I can.
Because you've lost and we've won.
That's why I can just walk into your old fortress
and pull out my tower in your face.
So is that a "no"
to a guitar and a new carpet then?
You live here, in the building next door?
-We live somewhere else. -Somewhere else.
Know what? I was just thinking, seeing as I find you so incredibly annoying,
that I'll buy your house, too...
tear it down,
and then build a parking garage there.
And now, get out.
Get your hands off me!
Out we go. Move it.
Careful, I'm on the list of endangered species.
Stop making a fuss.
I'm a European giant kangaroo. Very rare! Quit stepping on my tail.
An idiot in uniform is still an idiot.
An idiot in uniform is still in uniform.
By the way, I'm pretty sure they weren't Nazis, but patriots.
Champagne truffles?
I was wondering if maybe...
I should be more proactive?
- I got some positive vibes from Maria... - I so don't care.
I mean, I'm so happy for you.
Sorry, I got my thoughts and words mixed up.
How can I be more proactive?
Just ring her doorbell.
-What do I say? -Just ring. You'll think of something.
-Okay. -Maybe don't mention Dwigs' garage.
And you shouldn't wear your pajama!
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Now that you've taken off your pajamas, maybe you could put on some real clothes.
True.
A bathrobe is not what I meant.
No.
Hi. I...
Yes, what is it?
I wan...
I wanted to make some pancakes.
And I realized that... I don't have any eggs [balls].
So, you don't have any eggs?
That came out all wrong.
I forgot to buy eggs.
That seems a bit dumb to me, since eggs are an important ingredient for pancakes.
If I'd realized sooner, I'd have saved myself a lot of trouble.
So would you happen to have eggs,
some chickens' eggs for me?
I'm a vegan.
I don't keep the unborn babies of sentient beings in my fridge.
Cool.
All right then...
Bye.
Wow. Just wow.
I thought it'd be funny, but that surpassed all my expectations.
Life is a succession of missed opportunities.
Well, maybe yours is.
It was a joke. Your face is always so priceless.
-So you're not a vegan? -Yes, I am. These are Jesus' eggs.
Jesus' eggs? Good grief.
The Catholic Church would pay a fortune for this relict.
I myself am a vegetarian.
We could almost go out for dinner then. Almost.
I've been on the verge of veganism for a long time.
Just let me know when you get there.
-I've arrived. -Cute. But I can't go out with you.
It's against the rules. You know that.
Well, bye!
Do you think these rules really exist, or does she just not like me?
Well, you know... I think she does like you, but...
the problem is that you are not really very...
-Not very...? -What's the word? You're not very...
-Sexy? -Yes. That's obvious,
but that's not what I meant. I meant... Why can't I think of the word?
-Not successful? -Sure, but that's not...
-Not very funny? -For sure, or you'd be more successful.
-I meant, you're not... particularly... -Particularly interesting?
Yes, exactly! That's the word I was looking for.
You're not particularly interesting.
Well, you're nothing special. You're... You're...
You're like a blank sheet of paper.
Or like one of those recycled sheets of paper. A gray one.
You're like a Walmart suit.
SHRINK TODAY 5 PM
You can wear it, but it's not that chic.
Or like a Fiat Punto. It's fine, but you wouldn't go on vacation in it.
-You know, like a... -Okay, I get the gist.
No wonder I need to see a shrink.
I just want to help. Maybe you need to do something to spark her interest.
-Oh, dear. -He really is building a parking garage.
How this came about will remain our ugly little secret.
No need to worry at all. You're not crazy.
At least not compared to my other patients.
One of them, for instance, actually believes he has a talking kang...
Mr. Kling! Hello. You're here already? Come, come.
That's great. Do you have my new CD? "The Inner Meadow?"
I'll give you a good price if you buy the book, too.
Please come, the clock is ticking.
-Sure. Thank you. -No interruptions.
-You don't believe me, do you? -Yes, I do. I live with a wildebeest.
-I'll bring the kangaroo next time. -Great.
Maybe also bring the March Hare, and I'll ask the Mad Hatter,
and we'll have a wonderful tea party. Please take a seat. The clock is ticking.
Speaking of tea parties...
After the last session I felt so... great.
-That's what I went to college for. -Yes, well, I wanted to give you...
No, you know I can't accept gifts from patients...
Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.
If you want to,
we could destroy the evidence right away.
-I'll get some glasses. -Yes.
Oh, Mr. Kling.
I can imagine it's a big burden
to have to listen to the psychobabble of others all day ...
A burden? Mr. Kling, it's hell.
Every human is an abyss.
It makes you dizzy to look down.
Oh, yeah?
Last time we had to interrupt our session, because of that...
You know, sometimes...
you have a patient
whose problem is quite simply...
that he's a total asshole.
And what kind of asshole problems do these assholes have?
You know I'm not at liberty to tell you.
-Just a little... -Oh, stop it.
-No, a little bit. Just a little bit. -Look.
Yes.
Dwigs has the following problem.
Friedrich-Wilhelm, can't you help me? The fridge is leaking.
-That's not what I would call help, bro. -Right.
Now I know Dwigs' dirty little secret.
We just need to come up with proof and you need to hacker... hack his PC.
-His dirty little secret? -Yes.
Dwigs fudged a soil report.
The soil is too sandy. The tower would cost five times as much.
And you have to... hack into his computer.
You think there's a folder on Dwigs' desktop called "top secret"
containing a file called "incriminatingdocument.pdf" or what?
Well, it's possible.
Even if it were, how would I get a hold of his PC?
Let's think...
If we had a chance to sneak into Dwigs' house unnoticed...
Maybe when...
lots of other people are there.
Maybe... during a party!
This is purely a reconnaissance mission. Be as inconspicuous as possible.
-Yeah, yeah. -Dear guests, dear friends.
We're so happy you're all here.
Three words I don't want to hear from you tonight:
capitalism, swine system, Vietcong.
I got that.
-And no booze. -I never drink on duty.
All I need is you Through others I see through
You're my guiding star that I like too
I think it was a huge mistake to bring you.
-It was a mistake to bring YOU. -This looks good on you.
Yeah? You look pretty nice yourself.
Seriously, kids? Get a room.
Good evening.
You I will not share
No strangers shall part us, don't they dare
When the curtain falls With you I enjoy pause
Oh, my God.
My homeland, homeland that is you...
-Homeland -Homeland, that's you
I'm gonna barf!
Home is wherever you are
Hello!
My homeland, that's you...
How does a car get into a living room?
-Garage lift. -That's right.
Garage on the seventh floor. Must be pretty annoying
when your acquaintances ask every 1st of May
if they can park their car in your living room that night.
Look.
We know those guys. Our buddies.
His office must be back there.
Exactly! That's where I have to go.
We need to mingle. Inconspicuously. Small talk.
Small talk is my strong suit.
I'll try tax havens.
We don't want the terror
of the radically green socialist gay-lesbian minority lobby anymore.
The radically green socialist gay-lesbian minority lobby?
Yes, the RGSGLML.
You do know that our skies are sprayed extensively with toxic chemicals?
-No. -Here you see the so-called chemtrails.
They're trying to make the German people infertile.
How can I invest my money politically correct,
that is in a right-wing nationalist cause?
-Let me help you. -The answer: our new equity fund.
In our portfolio there are only companies that use child and slave labor
in third world countries for their production.
And how is that different to a normal equity fund?
Here, hold this for a second.
It's gotten so bad that you hardly find
someone around here who talks properly German.
-I feel pushed to the edge. You know? -Yeah, we know.
There you are, you four.
- I don't know how to get past those guys. -You have to distract them.
-Why me? -That's a stage, right?
-Yes! -No, no.
-Which one of us is the hobby artist? -I'm not a hobby artist.
You're gonna go up there now and sing a song.
One that everyone has to listen to.
How about your pretty radical protest song?
-Guys, are you messing with me? -No. You can do it.
-Excuse me. -Me, too.
Or play a Village People song.
-Black-brown is the hazelnut in E. -Hello? Excuse me.
-Yes?
-I'm Marc-Uwe. -Hi.
-I'd like to sing for Jörg. -That's not gonna work...
Okay...
Hello.
Well, you all look like a crowd who really like to tag along.
I mean, sing along. Let's do it.
-We have a problem. -It's really hard to try not to quit
An endless debate with a pile of shit
-Ups... watch your step. -You kept on having them come by
To each and every talk show To give it a try
And it's mostly a Nazi acting tough
Talking all bullshit but now it's enough! It's enough!
-Need help with the password? -Don't need one.
Why not?
Most versions of Windows have a weak spot, and when booting up...
-Are you really interested? -No.
Enough! We've had enough
It's over now, it's over now...
-Seriously? -One, two, three, four.
No.
19-33...
Hey, you again! Take me! Take me with you!
You assholes!
That's enough!
Thank you very much, that was...
I'll go secure the grape trout, I mean, the escape route.
-Thanks to this untalented artist. -I'm still working on it...
-Ouch! -It's enough now!
Capitalism! Swine system! Vietcong!
What are you doing?
We're getting outta here! To the elevator. Buckle up!
Oh, God!
-By the way, I can't drive. -Where's the remote?
-For the elevator? -Let's go!
Have they gone crazy?
What are you doing? We're on the 7th floor!
No one likes nagging passengers.
That's enough!
-Stop. -Hey. Good thing you're here.
I'd like a vegetarian Big Mac and sweet potato fries. And you?
-I just want a soda. -He just wants a soda.
To go, please!
Number two.
That's just great. I can't find anything on kangaroos here.
I still request to have them both taken into immediate custody.
There is a flight risk... danger of collusion and danger of re-offense.
Do you really think the kangaroo will drive a sports car into a pool again?
I regret nothing. I would do it all again any time.
Oh, why do I always get these frickin' cases?
-It's making me miserable. -Have you tried alcohol?
Of course. But let me tell you, that's no long-term solution.
- I still request custody because I... -Yes, all right.
But where should we put the kangaroo? I called the zoo...
Excuse me, am I hearing right, you fascist?
I think the most appropriate thing here
would be negligence of duties as a pet owner...
But it's not my kangaroo.
I refuse to acknowledge this court if it doesn't acknowledge me!
-Fucking class justice! -Now that really does it!
Custody as a result of negligence of your duties as a pet owner.
-Bail is 5,000 euros. -This is about criminal damage...
10,000 euros.
-Teach your kangaroo some respect. -It's not mine. It owns itself.
It's pretty touchy when it comes to ownership...
I don't mind class justice. I mind the class that's judging.
Show some respect for the court.
No respect for bullshit!
Bail is 20,000 euros.
Don't say anything. Just be quiet.
History will absolve me.
You're safe, asshole. They're after me.
-Really? -Yes, of course.
So that means... I'm free to go?
-No! -Yes.
I see. All right.
I'm happy we found a solution which works for everyone.
It's... very tastefully furnished.
Kling. Follow me!
-Your lawyer is here. -My lawyer?
I'd like to state that that's not my lawyer.
Nonsense! As your lawyer, I advise you to use your right to remain silent.
I request to annul my client's arrest warrant immediately.
-But why? -On the basis of new facts.
Which new facts?
You may have learned from the press
that the plaintiff, Jörg Dwigs, didn't have a building permission
for his car elevator or his roof terrace pool.
Legally speaking, there was no car in the living room of the apartment
or a pool on the roof terrace. Therefore, my client is only responsible
for his... for his...
pet driving something that didn't exist into something that wasn't there.
Legally speaking, nothing happened at all.
Am I right?
PRESS
No, no. Show me again.
-So this is a hologram? -Yep.
-Can you do something with it? -I can try.
And there was nothing else on his PC? No incriminating documents? Nothing?
Nothing.
I have a plan.
- I was afraid you would say that. -We'll need a team.
What are your specialties? Can you fly? Make yourselves invisible?
-Make funny voices? -What does it want?
-Maybe a punch in the face. -That's the right attitude. You're in.
All I can say is there are these and those real estate investors,
and some completely different.
-Those are the worst. -I don't follow.
Don't worry, young lady. Not everyone can be a bright spark.
Some have to make do with a low-energy light bulb.
Congrats. You made the team.
What team?
-How long do I have to sit here, Mom? -What makes this applicant special?
He's very loyal.
And I don't have a babysitter.
All right. We just need one more.
Kling. You can go.
Did my lawyer swing it?
No, someone paid your bail.
You paid my bail?
No. Show him what we did. No more hobby art.
-I'm not talking to you. -Show him.
We posted this online and said it was an art performance.
We got your bail through crowdfunding.
You're a bit famous now, for "professional” art on a big scale.
The counterattack of the Antisocial Network will be epic.
-We're planning an anti-terror attack... - I don't want to be part of your attack.
Because somehow I have the feeling
that whenever you have an idea, I get punched in the face. And that's...
-...not good. -Why are you mad at me?
Why? I just told you.
-But... -You said to vent my emotions.
-Well, here they are. -Yes, but not on me.
Guys, we only have an hour. Get a move on!
EUROPATOWER LAUNCH CEREMONY
-Are you worried, honey bunny? -No.
Jörg Dwigs doesn't worry.
My luck won't run out.
Did I get this right? We know his dirty little secret, but we don't have proof?
We don't need any. We're living in a post-factual age.
-What's that? -We'll just claim we have proof.
During the ceremony.
I'll secretly knock out the architect and give his speech.
Well, I think we look pretty similar.
So, does everyone know what they are supposed to do?
I thought so.
That's why I prepared some handouts. Pass these around, please.
I even came up with a logo. It's very pretty.
-Have you got one for him? -Nope.
He's not coming. I don't know why he's here.
-You're not coming? -No. I'll be watching with goodwill,
but this time someone else can get his face punched!
-Schmock. -And also, I have a migraine.
Good thing we got you out of jail.
-Our hero. -I don't need this.
Go on then. Leave!
-Stay, Marc-Uwe. -You go ahead.
Bye now.
Okay, look at your handouts. Soon it's showtime.
-Thank you. -Madame Le Pen, s'il vous plait.
-What's going on? -We need to get through.
-Where? -There.
-No, there. -What are you talking about?
-We can't get into the compound. -Too much security.
So we thought we'd go through the wall.
You're joking.
-It was all in the handout. -That's it. Go for it.
Come on!
Hi.
-It's that wall after all. -So I was right!
Excuse me, guys. Why didn't you punch a hole in your own wall?
Are you nuts? We wouldn't make a hole in our store.
Yeah, that makes sense.
-Can you at least keep an eye on Jesus? -Sure.
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Jörg Dwigs!
Thank you.
Dear friends, fellow citizens, patriots.
Today is the first day... of the next 1,000 years.
What a dumb thing to say.
Tomorrow will also be the first day of the next 1,000 years.
The day after tomorrow, too.
I from our neighboring European countries.
Who invited them?
Excuse me, buddy. We're the Turkish delegates.
We're nationalists, too!
Suppress minorities, lock up dissidents, deny genocide...
We do it as well as you do.
...those ladies and gentlemen of the lying press.
Dear friends, here it is:
the Europatower!
Today we put an end to egalitarianism!
Knock, knock. Excuse me, is that the new Holomaxx 30007
Yes.
Nationalism leads to hatred and violence, say our enemies.
This accusation is completely unfounded.
-It's an awesome machine. -Could you show me?
Yes, it's new for us, too.
We were going to work with the HoloPlus 2.0, but...
...we have common enemies.
The Chinese, the Islamists, Brussels!
But we'll show them all that international nationalism can work.
Here, let Kevin know.
That was not the plan.
I'm proud to be the leader of this great movement.
And let me tell you something else.
You can be proud to have me as your leader.
Go on. Start.
Have you heard?
...working men and women...
And with the split...
in the 61 divider we were able to generate enough lumen.
Are you really interested?
Totally.
Jörg Dwigs will never lie to you.
He will lead you to victory! Ladies and gentlemen!
Help! Let me out!
Before I hand over to the architect of this symbol of our power...
let me say once again that I am indeed glad
that we have overcome our differences...
so that we can serve Western culture together.
Analogue, converted...
Oot scover.
Did I just say that?
...to introduce you to the architect of the Europatower:
Albrecht Schuster!
Yes. I'm the architect.
I'm the architect.
And I'm very happy about your interest and our... your...
I'm the architect.
-Hang on a minute. -He lied to you.
-He fudged a soil report... -Get that man off of there!
Berlin's soil is too sandy. It will cost much more.
-Let the man speak! -Give me the mic.
We want to hear what he has to say!
It will take longer to build than the Cologne Cathedral!
The way Dwigs plans to build it, it will collapse!
-Nothing will collapse. -We'll see about that.
Stay calm, okay?
If we start running, they'll be dumb enough to follow us.
Oh my God! Help! Help!
The tower is collapsing!
Jeanette!
Help!
What are you doing to me?
Help! Help!
Who's there?
Stop! What's happening?
I was in complete control of the situation.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
What did you just say?
You heard me.
What an absolute disaster!
It was all for show.
If they had proof, they'd have shown it.
It's all lies.
As usual.
This is another one of those right moments.
Go on!
| think I've earned the right to hear your rules.
I see.
First, no friends.
We're not friends. I hardly know you.
-I wouldn't say we're friends in any way. -Second, no one without kids of his own.
I have a kangaroo. That's just as good.
Third, no artists.
But I'm not really a proper artist. I'm more of a...
-A hobby artist, right? -Herta, this is a private conversation.
There's no such thing in my bar.
Four, no one from the same building.
Well, that sucks...
Guys, go inside.
I think rules are overrated.
They're not really rules.
They're more like temporary guidelines.
Do you wanna go out dancing?
Attention! Attention!
This is your last chance to give us...
-What was this about again? -A rabbit's foot.
I feel ridiculous saying that.
Do it already!
This is your last chance to give us...
the rabbit's foot voluntarily.
You stole the rabbit's foot again? Unbelievable.
I couldn't resist.
What are you waiting for?
Go get that damn lucky charm!
We'll give it back and that's the end of it.
-No. Never! -Give it to me.
Let go. Let go!
Check it out.
What is it?
If you ask me, it's evidence. Keep them off my back!
Jesus, come, quick!
Oh, good Lord.
Dear patient...
Think of your migraine
as an annoying aunt, who comes to visit every once in a while.
Close your eyes...
FILES ENCRYPTED
DECODING DATA...
-This will hurt. -Yeah, this will hurt.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
-Where's the rabbit's foot? -Tell her!
You may think you're tough, but I'm tougher!
DECODING DATA...
...your inner meadow is like a mountain meadow...
-Awesome. -Super special move.
-Okay, Otto, what do we do now? -What any decent German would do.
Gotcha. We'll go out and beat them up.
No, we'll call the cops.
Welcome to Berlin's Police Service.
I don't bloody believe it.
If you have witnessed a murder, please press one.
If you were murdered yourself, please press two.
And off you go.
You? Here?
Well, I'll be a donkey's uncle!
If you have murdered someone, please press three
and leave your confession after the tone.
This is a conversation. And you're no party of it.
Get out, miss.
Are you nuts?
Take that, Lumpenproletariat!
You can't call them that. They're just victims of their own circumstance.
Who isn't?
What's direct physical violence of individuals
next to the omnipresent structural violence of society?
Say good night, loser!
If your bicycle was stolen, that's tough luck, I'm afraid.
I'll go and beat them up.
Please note that there may be additional charges for cell phone calls.
A tiny bird...
suddenly lands on your belly.
Where's the rabbit's foot?
DECODING DATA... 100%
Okay, young man!
Bud Spencer's sledge hammer!
Jesus, come here.
Okay, guys. Who has the rabbit's foot?
The rabbit's foot!
Just great.
Too late. It's all been released to the press.
The sun is shining and warming you...
I love you.
-Move it, or else! -We're an invincible pair.
You're screwed, Jörg. It's all out.
You're no longer acceptable to the Party or to me.
Goodbye, rat hole!
Leave our house alone, asshole!
What the hell is that thing doing on the digger?
Stop! Or I'll be really unpleasant!
Check it out!
-Stop swaying! -Stop!
Are you out of your mind?
- I feel sick. -Stop it, asshole!
That's it! Number three.
Hey, colleagues. I'm an informer.
-You're what? -An informer.
-Yeah, sure. -Secret Police.
Stop.
-Why are you stopping the film? -The baddies get arrested. That's boring.
-I'll fast-forward. -No! Give me the remote.
-Let go! -Press play!
Well, that went quite well, didn't it?
Never ever do that again.
Come here, sweetheart.
Yeah...
See you around.
"Yeah... See you around?"
-Yep. -Seriously, dude?
That was your chance.
That would have been too cheesy. No way.
-Oh, dude. Cheesy? -Yes. Next time.
What? Next time? Right.
Why did you jump onto the shovel of that excavator?
I wanted to save the house.
-If you think about it... -That's on my not-to-do list.
-You have to admit... -That's also on my not-to-do list.
...that it was a pretty daring stunt.
You weren't worried, were you?
I've been nothing but worried since I met you.
You were worried? About me?
I knew right away we'd be friends. You were worried!
Yes, I may have been a little worried.
Totally unfounded. I was in complete control of the situation.
-You were worried about me! -Look, the sunrise is way too cheesy.
-That's a no-go. -It's terrible!
Almost embarrassing.
I really don't know why I'm here. I'm not the crazy victim of the system.
That's exactly what I mean. You're totally inconsiderate.
I think we should talk openly about this with a neutral referee.
I don't see how he can be neutral if you pay him.
You're welcome to pay half.
-That would be even better. -Well?
Mr. Hobby Artist.
Hello. I've put the kettle on for us, if you don't mind.
Tell me, how is our kangaroo doing today?
Why don't you ask it yourself?
Ask the kangaroo how it is.
What kangaroo?
No, no, no!
I don't see any kangaroo, I don't see any kangaroo...
-Yes, it's right there. -There's no one there, Mr. Kling.
He needs a shrink even more than you do.
-What did you say? - I didn't say anything.
Don't be ridiculous.
You know full well...
that this is a figment of your imagination, this stupid kangaroo.
Following scandals about goon squads,
fudged reports and black monies in off-shore accounts,
Our Homeland Inc.,
led by real estate magnate Jörg Dwigs, got on a downward spiral
and was purchased by an investor today.
The new owner assured all tenants he would take care of all the problems.
We are joined by him today.
Awesome ending, really.
Yes, it would have been a good ending, but you always make a comment.
You always have to have the last word.
No, [ don't
Subtitles: Synchron- und Tonstudio Leipzig GmbH, 2020