(projector whirring)
Downloaded from YTS.MX
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- [Man] It's gettin' ridiculous, it's really ridiculous.
Yes, man, this is ridiculous, man, ridiculous.
(chuckling)
- I got you, girl, I got you right here.
You go ahead, shake what your mama gave ya.
(chuckling)
You ain't supposed to be, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on?
Who are you?
- Boogie's Comedy Center, this is my show.
- You not gettin' in there if I ain't gettin' in there
'till your name is on, let me see if your name on the list.
What's your name?
- I'm DeMarcus Cousins.
- You DeMarcus Cousins? - Matter of fact,
I'm on the list.
- Wait, wait, wait, you DeMarcus Cousins?
- Yes.
- Hey, Jimmy Ray!
Joe DeMarcus' cousin out here.
When Jimmy Ray verify this, you get in, brother.
Let me tell you, you a big boy.
You need a first person that know it's gonna rain.
It's gonna be on you first, brother.
- All right, let me-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Mr. Precipitation, wait a minute.
- Can I see the list?
I'm a show you my name, it's right here.
- You ain't on the list.
- No, let me--
(yelling)
- I need this list.
This what I'm talking about.
Goddamn it, what the--
We got a code green.
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
♪ I'm out of this world not your run of the mill n' ♪
- What's up, Oakland?
(audience cheering)
♪ I'm a stoner and I'm chillin' with two bitches like Jack ♪
♪ I pimps and I mack drive a Benz and a 'lac ♪
♪ Man I've been in the back wit the groupies and the stars ♪
♪ I've been out front with the thugs and the guards ♪
♪ I've been in the yard with the Mexican mafia ♪
♪ And I only run with niggas that'll kill and die for ya ♪
What's up, Oakland?
♪ I'm popular I'm a rap star ♪
♪ But I live like a rock star running from the cop cars ♪
♪ I drop bars wit slaps that knock hard ♪
♪ And I charge for this dick extra large ♪
Cut it off, cut it off, what's up, Oakland?
(audience cheering)
Yeah!
Man, thank y'all for coming out to the third annual
Boogie Cousins' Comedy Slam!
(audience cheering and clapping)
It's goin' down, I'm your host tonight!
Yeah, we in the Oak Town up in here tonight.
(audience cheering)
Ain't no pimps in the audience, they got jobs now.
(audience laughing)
That's a sad thing to see, a pimp with a perm goin' to work,
man, I got to go up here, they got me on third shift now,
you know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
All his hos died.
(audience laughing)
The world is crazy right now, man.
Jussie Smollett, Chicago is suing Jussie Smollett.
Yeah, Jussie, man, he pulled a fast one on us.
(audience laughing)
That was a threesome that went wrong right there.
(audience laughing)
That's fucked up, Donald Trump, man, he ain't right, man.
He cut the food stamps off, that was wrong, man!
(audience laughing)
When he cut them food stamps off, I didn't see nobody
postin' no plates that week.
(audience laughing)
Motherfuckers used to be on there, I got the mashed potato
with the rice, with the gravy.
(audience laughing)
They was posting God quotes all that week.
(audience laughing)
This too shall pass.
(audience laughing)
I seen one motherfucker just post a plate.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Oh, R. Kelly, that's a fucked up situation.
Everybody need help, the mama need, the parents,
R. Kelly, the kid, everybody need fuckin' help.
That's how that situation go.
I know when R. Kelly went to jail, that nigga
that was in there singin' all them, winnin' all them
singing contests was madder than a motherfucker
when he walked in there.
(audience laughing)
This nigga been winnin' all these Christmas contests
and shit and R. Kelly come up in that motherfucker.
(humming)
(audience laughing)
We gonna have a good time tonight, man, we got some real
stars in the motherfuckin' house.
We in Oakland, California, you know what I'm sayin'?
(audience cheering and clapping)
The city of the yadada, the meme.
(audience cheering)
You know you meet a dude from Oakland,
I don't give a fuck where you at, you can be in heaven,
man, you can be all the way in heaven, say, man,
how you doin', my brother?
He gonna say--
(humming)
(audience laughing)
I know where you from, man, shit.
(audience laughing)
We got them motherfuckin' Golden State Warriors
in the house tonight.
(audience cheering)
Golden State!
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah, we got real legends in the house.
My man, Steph Curry in the house,
y'all give it up for Steph Curry.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Steph.
Lookin' like a 10 year old out there and shit.
He be just playin' and shit, just throw the ball up.
(audience laughing)
I said, this motherfucker ain't even playing, man.
(audience laughing)
Motherfucker thing all in his mouth and shit.
(audience laughing)
I said, he don't give a fuck.
(audience laughing)
One more time for my man, Boogie Cousins
for puttin' this down, my man, Boogie.
(audience cheering and clapping)
My man, Boogie!
(audience cheering and clapping)
That's the last of the big men in the NBA right there.
Yeah, man, he just walk through there like this, man.
After he dunk, he got to do all kinda other shit, he be--
(yelling)
(audience laughing)
Shit, my man, Draymond Green in the house!
(audience cheering and clapping)
That motherfucker's crazy right there,
that motherfucker, Green!
He get it in, yeah!
You need a motherfucker on the team like that.
(audience cheering)
He jump up in everybody's face.
(audience laughing)
I be watching 'em sic 'em on motherfuckers.
He be sittin' on the bench and somebody hit his leg.
(audience laughing)
And the coach'll just look at him and go like that.
(audience laughing)
I said, yeah, they done put that
crazy motherfucker in the game.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Yeah.
Yeah, I tried to play basketball but I'm the type of nigga
that don't play motherfuckin' defense 'till I hear the shot.
(audience laughing)
Soon as I hear it, get back, get your man,
get your man, get back!
(audience laughing)
Get the fuck out of here, man,
that's the first shot you hit all day.
(audience laughing)
I played on a basketball team but I wasn't that good.
I thought I could play until the game.
You know how them dudes that can play ball
until they get in the game?
That was me right there, yeah, man
and you know, after the game, he got all the players
lined up, the coach be mad, everybody be standing
in the line, he was just walking down,
cussing everybody out, you need to play hard!
(audience laughing)
He got right to me and said, "You are not Reggie Miller!"
(audience laughing)
I tried to work a regular job but I'm the type
of motherfucker that'll call in on Friday
and still come get my check.
(audience laughing)
You ever did that?
You was like, fuck that, man, I was sick this morning,
I'm goin' up there and get that check.
(audience laughing)
Y'all ready for the first man comin' to the stage?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah!
Straight up out of Mississippi, you've seen this man
on "Wild n' Out," "Comic View," all of that.
Give it up, put your hands together for Karlous Miller!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- I didn't tell him to play that but I'm glad he played it.
What's goin' on, Oakland?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Y'all got social love, boy.
My nigga, Matt Barnes is in here, NBA legend.
(audience cheering)
That's my favorite player.
Only nigga in NBA history drive 200 miles,
whoop the coach ass.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Retire, put his baby mama on child support.
(audience laughing)
That is a fuckin' legend, I don't give a shit
what nobody say.
(chuckling)
Draymond Green, he in here, he sell Invisalign.
(audience laughing)
How you gonna sell Invisalign, your shit ain't straight yet.
(audience laughing)
Oh shit.
Boy, I been havin' a ball in Oakland.
I love this goddamn city, y'all got the funniest
homeless people I ever seen.
I gave a nigga three dollars, he act like those
were the three he needed to not be homeless no more.
(audience laughing)
Soon as I gave him the money, you done put me back
in the motherfuckin' game.
(audience laughing)
Nigga, tried to whistle at me, didn't even whistle,
just made the noise, nephew--
(makes whistling noise) Come here.
(audience laughing)
(makes whistling noise) Let me holler at you
right quick.
(chuckling)
(audience laughing)
Y'all got homeless prostitutes.
(audience laughing)
I'm sittin' at the red light, one lady just ran up
to the car and pulled her titties out, I locked my door,
I was like, "This is awful."
(audience laughing)
Titties look like sweet potatoes, who did this?
(audience laughing)
The fuck is goin' on in Oakland?
(chuckling)
You can't even make jokes about shit no more, bruh.
Especially about the LMNOP community,
they'lll shut your whole shit down.
(audience laughing)
You know, the LMNOP community,
they'll get your show shut down.
(audience laughing)
I don't even believe in that homophobic shit,
leave folks the fuck alone.
Half the time, you don't even know
these people are in the LMNOP community.
(audience laughing)
'Cause you, I don't know that shit.
I get into it with the dude at the airport this morning.
I'm at the Subway trying to get my little Subway sandwich.
I didn't know he was in the community 'till he looked down
at my sandwich and said, "Mm.
(audience laughing)
"You want the extra meat?"
Hell, no, I don't even want the sandwich now.
(audience laughing)
Let me get two of them cookies
and get the fuck on outta here.
(audience laughing)
Shit is changing out here, man.
The city girls done took over.
(audience cheering)
All the ratchets right there.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Bruh, these women now have changed, they trying to fuck
the shit out you and turn you into the bitch.
(audience laughing)
And they know exactly when they do it, that's the night
you fall asleep on top of the cover with the soft dick,
you can't even hide it.
(audience laughing)
She on FaceTime with her homegirl, yeah, bitch, another one,
there, look it, pussy killer sleep sleep.
(audience laughing)
You on top of the cover with the soft dick,
can't even hide it, it's time she know the real me.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Shit too freaky, I had to Wolverine a bitch the other day.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, she gonna grab my ass and squeeze it real hard
with both hands, I was like, "Bitch, don't you ever
"disrespect me like that again, I don't know who you
"been dealing with that let you squeeze on they ass
"but I am somebody's father."
(audience laughing)
Don't fuckin' do me like that, I'm not with the new shit.
(audience laughing)
That's not even the most disrespectful shit she did.
She gonna reach under my legs and over my thighs
and scoot me down, don't fuckin' scoot me down.
Don't fuckin' scoot me down, if you need me to scoot down,
you ask me to scoot down but don't fuckin' scoot me down.
(audience laughing)
I'm a grown ass man, I'm somebody's father,
don't fuckin' scoot me down.
(audience laughing)
Look how the little dudes got quiet
'cause they been scooted down before.
(audience laughing)
All the big niggas like, I wish a bitch would scoot me down.
(audience laughing)
Be a hole in the forehead for trying to scoot me down.
(audience laughing)
Can't mess with older women neither.
They freaky as hell but they nasty
in a whole 'nother kind a way.
I'm messin' with the little cougar lady.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, Miss Barbara.
(audience laughing)
She giving me some head, she gonna clear her throat
on my dick. (clearing throat)
Don't do that, no, don't do that.
(audience laughing)
Take the dick out before you do all that.
Now I need a flu shot.
(audience laughing)
But old ladies talk all that shit,
they can't take that pressure.
They good for about eight minutes then they start
complaining, young man, put my leg down, uh uh.
(audience laughing)
Whoo, put my leg down, I had a surgery
on that knee, young man, whoo.
(audience laughing)
You got to put my leg down.
(audience laughing)
No, you lettin' that air get in there--
(making farting noise) See that air gettin' in there.
(audience laughing)
(making farting noise) See that air done got in there
she trying to say your name. (making farting noise)
(audience laughing)
See, young women get embarrassed when that happens.
Ooh, I'm sorry, old women talk shit, she's spelling
your name, Karlous. (making farting noise)
(audience laughing)
K-A-R.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
I just came here to talk shit, bruh, that's what I do.
(audience laughing)
Gotta be careful what you say though.
I was talkin' some shit the other night.
I didn't even know I offended some people, bruh.
Did the joke about the LMNOP community.
(audience laughing)
I didn't know nobody was mad 'till I got outside.
It was three gay dudes laying on my hood.
(audience laughing)
Soon as they saw me, they went off.
Uh uh, say what you said.
(audience laughing)
Say what you said.
Well, do the joke then bitch, say the joke.
Say what you said.
(audience laughing)
Say what you said.
(audience laughing)
Say it!
I'll scratch you bitch, I was like, "Oh my God."
That's the only thing that scared me was this little hand.
Say what you said.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
That shit funny, she done laugh her eyelash off.
Shit, he's so damn stupid.
(audience laughing)
Ladies, stop wearing that shit, you already look good.
We don't know what the fuck be fake on y'all no more.
These ladies wearing these long ass eyelashes and shit
then she try and sneak and take it off.
Now you staring at her trying to figure out
what the fuck missing.
(audience laughing)
Nah bitch blink, do something, what is missing on your face?
(audience laughing)
These ladies don't give a shit about us no more.
They used to have discretion, they used to hide that shit.
You ain't even know what was fake.
I let a girl spend the night over at my house.
She gonna take the fake eyelashes off and smash 'em together
and left 'em on the counter, forgot to throw 'em away.
I go in the bathroom, I think
I got fuckin' tarantulas at my house.
(audience laughing)
What kind a roach is that?
(audience laughing)
They don't even hide this shit no more.
(audience laughing)
Lace front wigs, they don't even glue them bitches
on no more, they just wearing them like fitted hats.
(audience laughing)
Is we goin' out or what, what we doin'?
Y'all bitches playin', see, that's the thing.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
That's what I like, though, I love a old project ass woman.
Shout out to all the hood women, I just love old
project ass, boy, that shit is sexy as hell.
I'm talkin' about one of them old real hood ass bitches.
Type that'll kill a roach and keep cookin'.
(audience laughing)
I like 'em ghetto.
They the best ones.
Type a chick you can impress easily, all you
gotta do is take her somewhere they got a commercial.
(audience laughing)
Be like, baby, you wanna go to Applebee's?
Hell, yeah, I wanna eat good in the neighborhood, what's up?
(audience laughing)
Shit.
(chuckling)
That's what I like.
I'm about to quit that shit, though, bruh.
Them women too dangerous, I'm at the mall with a girl.
I ain't even know she was with a nigga.
Nigga pulled up in a gangsta ass Montecarlo.
No rims, no hubcaps, just dirty black tire.
(audience laughing)
Soon as he pulled up, I knew it was gonna be some trouble.
He's like, bitch, get your motherfuckin' ass in the car.
You and this nigga out here holdin' hands
got me out here stressin'.
I was like, "Oh shit."
(audience laughing)
Soon as she got in the car, he slammed her head against
the window, two times, boom, boom.
(audience laughing)
She rolled the window down, "I call you back."
(audience laughing)
I love this shit, bruh, this is amazing.
We got the hood sittin' right next to the white people.
(audience laughing)
Every time they laugh, they look at y'all.
(chuckling)
(audience laughing)
California is a strange place, man, I be seeing black
dudes with white women every day, I be like,
do the police know about this shit?
'Cause I'm from Mississippi, they catch you with a white
girl, that's possession with intent,
they will lock your ass up.
(audience laughing)
White women scare me.
'Cause they racist in a whole 'nother kinda way.
Bruh, you ever be walking down the street
and you see a white lady walking towards you?
Then she clutch her purse.
Ain't that the most offensive shit ever?
This bitch think she stronger than me, what the fuck?
Give me that shit, you see how easy that was?
(audience laughing)
You are a vegan, Allison, you don't even eat meat.
You think you stronger than a real nigga?
(audience laughing)
Look at the white lady, I never thought about that.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Shout out to all the old school niggas out there.
I see you out there, nigga.
Talkin' about them old school player niggas
with the whole linen suit on, church shoes.
(audience laughing)
Old school nigga, named Calvin, Leroy, Eldridge.
(audience laughing)
You see them old school pimp Oakland niggas in here.
I love them niggas, bruh, you speak to them niggas,
they make your whole day better, what's up, unc?
Shit, I can't call it, I might spoil it, nephew.
(audience laughing)
Shit, ain't nothin' to it but to do it but when you
do it act like you used to it, you heard what I said?
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Them some of the coldest niggas ever.
They got all the little catch phrases.
I was at the gas station today, I heard a old nigga
trying to holler at one of these young girls.
She jumped out the car, fine, had that fashion over on.
That ass was fat.
(audience laughing)
Soon as he saw it he said, "Goddamn, girl,
"I'd put so much dick in you, I'd be scared to kiss you."
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Yeah, make sure you're having safe sex.
Whatever that mean to you, lock the door.
(audience laughing)
Put your phone on silent.
(audience laughing)
What you thought I was gonna say wear a condom?
Who is that safe for, Boogie?
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
No, you better, 'cause them condom commercials,
them shits scary, you ever be at the house chillin'.
Then that wrap it up commercial come on,
scare everybody in the house.
(audience laughing)
They say some shit like, one in three black people
have AIDS, you be like, shit, it's two people on the couch!
(audience laughing)
You mean to tell me somebody in this house sick
and won't say nothin'?
(audience laughing)
Where do they get this information from?
(audience laughing)
Man, it's so fucked up, we in here laughin' at this shit.
It's ladies in here right now, can't even laugh
'cause they waist trainer on too fuckin' tight.
I see you in here, can't even laugh.
Just gigglin'.
(chuckling)
(audience laughing)
Take that bullshit off.
They got the whole body trainer now.
The whole body go in there.
Just have two little flaps right there.
(audience laughing)
They so insecure, they won't even undo it.
They just undo the flaps, leave the whole shit on.
I was like, uh uh, you gotta take that shit off.
I'm not about to fuck Andre The Giant.
(audience laughing)
Shout out to Boogie, bruh,
you one of my favorite players, nigga.
You one of the most disrespectful players in the NBA, bruh.
Golden State can be up by 39.
Boogie get in the game and dunk on you and call you a bitch.
(audience laughing)
Like, bruh, my fuckin' family is out there.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Tired of this shit, I don't like
how y'all judgin' me in here.
(audience laughing)
Shout out to all the real niggas.
(audience cheering)
That buy a three pack of condoms and wear one
and go raw the rest of the time.
(audience laughing)
Much love to all the ladies in here that can wear white
panties all day and take 'em off and they still be white.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Know what kinda magic that is.
(audience laughing)
Y'all got some good ass weed out here too.
(audience cheering)
You ever get so high, you get smart?
(audience laughing)
Like, you start figuring out smart dumb shit.
(audience laughing)
Like, hey.
Can you wear house shoes in a apartment?
(audience laughing)
The people you smokin' with just as high as you.
Yeah, 'cause you know, home
is where your heart is, my nigga.
(audience laughing)
I had some shit, had me fucked up the other day, bruh.
I'm sittin' there like, bruh,
what color is a mirror?
(audience laughing)
You ever be in your kitchen just figurin' out shit, high?
(audience laughing)
Just lookin' through the cabinets, you don't even wanna eat
this shit, just seeing what the fuck you got.
(audience laughing)
What the fuck is this shit?
(audience laughing)
Fuckin' refried beans.
(audience laughing)
Who fried 'em the first time?
(audience laughing)
Shout out to all the Hispanic people, my nigga.
(audience laughing)
No, 'cause they tried to fuck y'all over, man.
I remember, they were stealing kids and shit.
Talkin' about they gonna build a wall.
I was mad as fuck, I went and hollered at my Mexican
homeboy, I was like, "Pablo.
(audience laughing)
"They gonna build a wall, man, what the fuck,
"what y'all gonna do, y'all gonna ride,
"y'all want us to ride with you?"
He be like, "Fuck, no."
I'm like, "They gonna build a wall."
He was like, "Yeah."
I was like, "What y'all gonna do?"
"Walk around."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Oh, y'all already figured this shit out, okay."
(chuckling)
You know, before I go, you know
one thing I love about Oakland niggas?
It don't matter what you did or what you doin'.
Oakland niggas already did it a lot of times.
(audience laughing)
They don't give a fuck and they'll tell you,
nigga, I just graduated, aw, nigga, I done graduated
hella times, nigga, I done been to hella schools, nigga.
Nigga, hella educated on mamas.
(audience laughing)
On mamas, nigga, got a education, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Bruh, my girl pregnant, nigga, I got hella kids, my nigga.
(audience laughing)
Hella kids, hey, man, I'm Karlous Miller, I'm outta here.
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Yeah, yeah, y'all having a good time,
y'all having a good time?
(audience cheering and clapping)
It's a lot of big girls in here tonight with them
bodysuits on and ain't got no body.
(audience laughing)
You lookin' like a wrestler in here tonight.
(audience laughing)
You lookin' like T. Grizzly sittin' up in here.
(audience laughing)
That's how they was walkin', like that,
that's how the big girls--
(audience laughing)
Them big girls take real slow steps.
(audience laughing)
You know, and you gotta watch your grandmama
'cause she'll give her money to one of them bad pastors
like you know, Peter Popoff.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, Bennie Henn, them old white men with them wigs
on that come on at 4:30 in the morning.
Catch your grandmama up and them houses, real old,
in them hot ass houses, writin' checks.
(audience laughing)
And them white men come on there, God is searching for you.
The lord is looking for you, salvation is looking for you!
(audience laughing)
It's a reason why they fuckin'
come on at 4:30 in the morning.
(audience laughing)
'Cause they trickin' these old women.
(audience laughing)
I was watching Peter Popoff one night
and he was just, he had a line of people
and just hittin' 'em in the head and they was all fallin'.
(audience laughing)
He hit one chick and she put her arm back.
Now I said, "How'd you know to put your
"fuckin' arm back, bitch?"
(audience laughing)
He got to one woman, was hittin' her on the head
and she kept comin' back, I guess she didn't know to fall.
(audience laughing)
And he hit her again, she kept goin' like that,
he said, "Fall," and he hit her again.
(audience laughing)
Man, they tried everything, they kicked her and everything.
(audience laughing)
Hell, he even hit her with a elbow one time,
get on the ground now, shit, I ain't gonna play with you.
(audience laughing)
I seen one of the ushers sneaking up
behind her with a bat like this.
(audience laughing)
You gonna fall now, we on TV, shit,
you fuckin' the church's money up.
(audience laughing)
Y'all ready for the next comic, y'all, come on!
(audience cheering and clapping)
Coming to the stage, you seen this man on "American Hustle."
You seen him on "First Sunday," you know his face.
You gonna love him, give it up for DC's own, Red Grant!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Oakland, what up?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Shout out to my man, Boogie Cousins for putting
this together, man and shout out to Oakland
for being real hyphy all the time, yeah, yeah.
(chuckling)
(audience laughing)
See some of y'all came in here with a fucked up spirit,
you better get your spirit right, nigga.
Shit, you don't know if you gonna be here tomorrow,
you better have fun today, nigga.
(audience cheering and clapping)
You fuck around, don't have fun today,
be in the morning, wake up in front of God,
he be like, shoulda had fun last night, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Red was funny as a motherfuck.
(audience laughing)
And how many people got the friends,
I call 'em bad influences.
They wanna motherfuck to get you to drink
when they know you at your goddamn limit.
(audience laughing)
You done told these motherfuckers, look, I'm at my limit.
(audience laughing)
I don't need nothin' else to drink.
Here they go, bitch, take a shot.
(audience laughing)
You like, a shot of what, they say some dumb shit like,
Patron and Hennessy.
(audience laughing)
Together?
(audience laughing)
Bitch, I ain't drinkin' no Patrennessy,
bitch, fuck that shit.
(audience laughing)
Patrennessy make you throw up.
(audience laughing)
They like, nigga, take a shot, it's my goddamn birthday.
(audience laughing)
Now you feel obligated to take the fuckin' shot.
You like, give me the goddamn shot.
(audience laughing)
You take the shot, soon as you take the shot,
you feel it in your throat immediately.
(audience laughing)
You make that little sound like, mm.
(audience laughing)
You start lookin' around for help.
(audience laughing)
It's always that one girl save your ass, like, look like
your friend 'bout to throw up.
(audience laughing)
Y'all need to get him outside.
(audience laughing)
They get you outside, you already
in full throw up mode, like--
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
I don't know why you do your back like this, huh.
(audience laughing)
This what it look like from the side and shit.
(audience laughing)
Look like you in a parking lot twerkin' and shit.
(audience laughing)
And your friends ain't shit, look like he twerkin'
in the parking lot!
(audience laughing)
Nigga, throw the fuck up.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
My mouth real watery.
(audience laughing)
That's how you gonna know you gonna throw up,
when your mouth get real watery
and you try to spit, it just hang on your lip like--
(audience laughing)
My spit won't hit the ground.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
I'm hungry.
(audience laughing)
Anybody got some bread?
(audience laughing)
Your friends are like, no, nobody got no goddamn bread.
We in a goddamn parking lot, throw the fuck up, Red, huh.
(audience laughing)
I just want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
(audience laughing)
Nigga, you better throw the fuck up
before I leave your ass out here.
(audience laughing)
Them ain't your real friends, your real friends
stay with you, don't they?
Your fake friends, they leave your ass,
you be like, motherfucker, I don't give a fuck.
(audience laughing)
You can leave me, nigga, I don't give a fuck.
I'm 'bout that life out here by myself, nigga.
(audience laughing)
You ain't never been in my life no way anyway, nigga.
I'm 'bout that life!
(audience laughing)
They like, okay, nigga, bye, nigga, shit.
(audience laughing)
They leave you out in the parking lot, you walkin' around
scarin' people like the walking dead, like, huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh, huh, huh!
(audience laughing)
You know what huh mean, right, help.
(audience laughing)
Somebody help me, lord, help me.
(audience laughing)
'Cause nobody don't fuckin' help you
when you in that condition, do they?
I'm talkin' to y'all, they don't help you, do they?
What they do, pull out they goddamn phones.
(audience laughing)
And Instasnap your ass like, hashtag, did not make it.
(audience laughing)
Hashtag throw up boy.
(audience laughing)
Hashtag, he wasn't ready.
(audience laughing)
Huh.
(audience laughing)
I remember one day I was out there, I was hurtin', huh.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wasn't helping me, huh.
(audience laughing)
And this white lady came outta nowhere, she was a nurse,
she was like, "You all right, little fella?"
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Huh."
(audience laughing)
And she lifted my head up, perpendicular.
(audience laughing)
She pulled a warm ginger ale out her purse
and she fed me like a baby bird.
(audience laughing)
She gave me some saltine crackers and I got better.
(audience laughing)
My friends came out there, they was like,
who this white lady holdin' your head, Red?
(audience laughing)
I was like, "She helped me.
(audience laughing)
"This is my friend.
(audience laughing)
"I just want a ride home!"
(audience laughing)
And this when you find out who your fuckin' real friends
are, if they give your ass a ride home, they don't say shit.
They put your ass in the car, get you home.
Your fake friends, they start asking questions
in the parking lot like,
you ain't gotta throw up no more, do you?
(audience laughing)
You like, huh.
(audience laughing)
Then they got you riding with your head out the window
like a goddamn puppy and shit.
(audience laughing)
Spaghetti everywhere, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Get you home, they don't even take you
in the house, do they?
(audience laughing)
What your fake friends do?
They leave you on a doorstep
for your girl to find you.
(audience laughing)
Your girl come out there like, look at your stupid ass.
(audience laughing)
These the friends you hanging with?
(audience laughing)
Got you lookin' like the scarecrow
from the fuckin' whiz and shit.
(audience laughing)
And you hurtin', you like, huh.
(audience laughing)
I just want some bread.
(audience laughing)
You need to get your ass in the bed, Red.
Now when you gotta throw up,
what's the worst place you can go?
The fuckin' bed.
'Cause soon as you get in that bitch, you like, huh, huh.
(audience laughing)
Huh, huh, I don't know why the bed spinning like this, huh.
My bed got wheels on it.
(audience laughing)
Your fuckin' friends.
And how many people in a relationship,
make some noise for your relationship
if you're in a goddamn relationship.
(audience cheering and clapping)
'Cause y'all know relationships ain't easy, is it?
That shit hard as fuck.
I'm in a fuckin' relationship,
I took my dick out the street, nigga.
(audience laughing)
I told my dick, nigga, we are out the fuckin' street, nigga.
(audience laughing)
But my dick wasn't ready to go, that nigga was like,
nigga, you can go home, nigga, I don't give a fuck.
(audience laughing)
I catch a Uber home, nigga, I don't need you, nigga.
(audience laughing)
'Cause your dick don't give a fuck.
Your friends don't care, your friends out there,
they know you in a relationship.
They say some dumb shit like,
hey you know we got 14 women at the crib right now, nigga.
(audience laughing)
I was like, 14?
(audience laughing)
That's a large number.
(audience laughing)
He was like, yeah, nigga and they all suckin' dick, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Damn, they suckin' dick?
(audience laughing)
I mean, you know, my name Red, I like head, you know?
(audience laughing)
I mean, I'm in a relationship but you know, I'm curious.
(audience laughing)
What else they talk about?
(audience laughing)
You know my friend said, nigga, one of them say
they wanna suck your ding a ling off, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Off your body, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Damn, she gonna suck my dick off?
(audience laughing)
'Cause I ain't never had my dick sucked off before.
(audience laughing)
I mean do you get your dick back on after it get sucked off?
(audience laughing)
'Cause I can't go home without a dick, now.
(audience laughing)
That's the first thing she
gonna look for, is the dick, nigga.
(audience laughing)
I am not a Mr. Potato Head, no, I'm not, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Fellas, y'all laughin' but if your girl could make you
a Mr. Potato Head, she would, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Look at her, she won't let you go out
with your real ding a ling on.
(audience laughing)
You be 'bout to go out with your big dick on.
You got the biggest dick in the drawer.
(audience laughing)
You like, I'm 'bout to go to the store.
Your girl gonna come out there like,
uh uh, what dick you got on?
(audience laughing)
I got my big dick on, what?
(audience laughing)
What you need your big dick for, Red?
You say you goin' to the store.
(audience laughing)
Uh uh, this your store dick right here, nigga.
(audience laughing)
It be a little ass dick with no balls on it.
(audience laughing)
You can't even come with this, like,
get this dick outta here.
(audience laughing)
And we in Oakland tonight, man, this is one
of the best cities in the fuckin' world, right?
(audience cheering and clapping)
And if you got stinky breath tonight, don't talk to me.
(audience laughing)
Seriously, you ever smell somebody breath stink so bad
you can't say nothin' to 'em?
(audience laughing)
The only thing you can do is frown at 'em.
(audience laughing)
They be like, what up, Red, you're like, mm mm.
(audience laughing)
Or you ever see them people with that white shit
in the corner of they mouth?
That's the worst shit ever and the more they talk,
the cakier that shit get, you be like,
nigga, get that, I don't know.
Was you eating mayonnaise or something, nigga?
(audience laughing)
Or you ever see people with dry lips,
anybody ever see somebody's lips so dry,
make you put on your chapstick, nigga?
(audience laughing)
Hey, y'all, I'm Red Grant, enjoy the rest
of your motherfuckin' night, all right?
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Where the sexy ladies at?
(audience cheering and clapping)
♪ If you got some good coochie and you know it ♪
♪ Clap your hands ♪
♪ If you got some good coochie and you know it ♪
♪ Clap your hands ♪
♪ If you got some coochie and you know it ♪
♪ And you wanna show it ♪
Meet me behind one of them things
right there right after the show.
(audience laughing)
So I can Bill Cosby your ass.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
I seen some guys clapping back there
too when I said that shit.
(audience laughing)
You know how they are, I'm the one that was clapping
when you said that at the back of the show.
(audience laughing)
Y'all ready for the next comic, man?
I want y'all to make plenty of noise, man.
We got some of the best comics in the world right now.
Make plenty of noise, y'all, come on, clap it up,
clap it up, clap it up,
clap it up, clap it up.
Put your hands together for Cincinnati's own,
you seen him on BET's Comic View.
I love this dude, man, he's a personal friend of mine.
Give it up for Gary Owen!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- I know.
I feel the same about myself.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank Mike for shoutin' to everybody from
Oakland but the one white rapper, G-Eazy, fuck you, Mike.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Only motherfucker I got, goddamn.
I like Oakland, you see shit in Oakland
you don't see nowhere else.
I saw a Asian dude with corn rolls speaking Spanish today.
(audience laughing)
He was on the BART, it was crazy.
(audience laughing)
BART can be a scary place at certain stops.
(audience laughing)
I fell asleep, woke up at the Richmond stop.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I didn't get off, I didn't get off.
(audience laughing)
Bunch of brothers just lookin' at me.
Come on out, man, come on out.
(audience laughing)
Conductor's like, "This is the last stop."
Well, I'm goin' home with you, shit.
(audience laughing)
I stayed on 'till I saw a Fuddruckers.
Nothing ever popped off at Fuddruckers.
I'm riding this bitch out.
(audience laughing)
It's good to have stuff in Oakland, man, you know,
'cause, you know, my wife's from Oakland, you know?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah, she went to Skyline High School.
(audience cheering and clapping)
(chuckling)
Fuck yeah, fuckin' her.
Fuckin' somebody from Skyline, pow.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
It's DeMarcus' event, man, but you know,
when you think of Oakland, man,
you know, before they startin' winnin' titles,
it was like Raider country, everybody liked the Raiders.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Oakland, fuckin',
goddamn Mexicans love the Raiders, fuck.
That's like the Mexican National Team, goddamn it.
It sounds Mexican, hey, the fuckin' Raiders!
The fuckin' Raiders!
(audience laughing)
Other teams don't sound as Mexican,
you never see a Mexican, hey, the fuckin' Buccaneers.
(audience laughing)
Fuck yeah, the pirates and the shivs, fuck yeah,
I like the buckin' Buccaneers, Johnny Depp, fuck yeah.
(audience laughing)
You gotta be careful, you ever go to a Oakland Raider game,
fuck you could die.
(audience laughing)
You could die, not get beat up, die.
(audience laughing)
You can't wear somebody else's jersey at a Raider game.
Can't be walkin' around the parking lot
outside of Oakland Coliseum
sittin' there with a Denver Broncos jersey on.
Motherfucker come and get stabbed, hey, what the fuck,
the fuckin' Raiders!
What the fuck!
(audience laughing)
It's preseason!
(audience laughing)
This shit don't even count, bro!
(audience laughing)
Hey, fuck you, it's the fuckin' Raiders!
(audience laughing)
It's a Tim Tebow jersey.
(audience laughing)
It's protected by Christ.
(audience laughing)
That's crazy how you can go down a street,
go to a 49er game, completely different fans, you know?
(audience laughing)
Goddamn.
(audience booing)
(chuckling)
Raider games you could die.
Raider games you could die, 49er fans, look,
I know you wanna be gangsta but it's tough
when you're sharing a parking lot with Six Flags.
(audience laughing)
Can't be gangsta and you got powdered sugar
on your motherfuckin' collar and shit.
(audience laughing)
You could wear a Broncos jersey to a 49er game.
I mean the 49er fans will yell at you like they gonna
do something but then they gonna switch it up at the end.
They be walkin' around, hey Denver, Denver!
You from Denver?
Yeah, this is my wife, these are my boys.
Yeah, we got some bruschetta, just grew it in the garden.
Yeah, I got some white wine, my wife just made it.
Yeah, welcome, man, yeah, welcome to Denver.
We ski there every summer, we love it, yeah.
(audience laughing)
Goddamn.
49er fans are pissed.
Motherfucker, we ain't nice.
Oh my gosh, yeah.
(chuckling)
(audience cheering and clapping)
Oh my gosh.
All right, I guess we'll switch it back to basketball.
Motherfucker act like the season was about to start
in this motherfucker, man.
My favorite player on Golden State's Klay Thompson.
You know, 'cause--
(audience cheering and clapping)
He's mixed, you know, my kids are mixed, of course.
That's my dude, I see a lot of him in my children, you know?
(audience laughing)
You know, mixed guys, they gotta shoot threes, man.
They're always good three point shooters.
'Cause you can't be mixed, it's tough when you go
to the hole, you know, 'cause the white in you says,
lay it up or pass it, the black in you says, dunk it,
you're all fucked up, you don't know what to do.
(audience laughing)
Shit, I wanna help but I wanna be selfish.
(audience laughing)
That's the good thing about comedians, man, you know?
You know?
(chuckling)
Fuckin', this guy.
Okay, we got it, you're not on the team, Jesus Christ.
(audience laughing)
That motherfucker's still talkin' about the Raiders.
That was eight minutes ago, we gotta move on, motherfucker.
Goddamn, shit, motherfucker's still up there.
He sounds a little slow, I might be, I'm gonna be careful.
That motherfucker might be up there, Raiders!
(audience laughing)
Raiders!
Raiders, I'm sittin' here baggin' on him.
This fuckin', his brother's up there,
shut the fuck up, Corky, shit.
I sorry, I sorry, thought he said, Raiders.
No, he said, Raiders.
He said, Raiders, you say, Raiders, you say, Raiders!
You told me, when they say Raiders, you say, Raiders!
(audience laughing)
Sorry 'bout that, sorry 'bout that.
I gotta apologize.
I don't want a bunch of motherfuckers
picketing my show next week.
Got a bunch of motherfuckers out front.
(audience laughing)
That's why you can't say nothin', man.
Everybody today all sensitive, man, like,
but people say stupid shit, you know,
they won't talk about it, like, this past year,
DJ Khaled said the dumbest shit I heard all year.
DJ Khaled went on the Breakfast Club and in the middle
of the interview, with a straight face,
said he don't eat pussy.
And I'm like, well, I'm lookin' at your body,
you eat everything else, motherfucker, shit!
(audience laughing)
But you don't eat pussy?
The one thing you can eat, ain't gonna make you gain
no weight, you don't eat that, okay,
get the fuck outta here with that shit.
Goddamn pussy gluten free, ain't nobody gain weight
from eating too much pussy.
(audience laughing)
And don't get it twisted, I like DJ Khaled,
he's a very positive individual but goddamn, dude,
stop workin' out on social media, we don't believe you.
(audience laughing)
Motherfucker's working out, eating healthy and shit.
I mean, okay, where the cookies
and cakes at in your house, Khaled?
I know he got a cookie jar
that he ain't showin' us on Snapchat.
I bet you every night, Khaled puts his phone down,
opens up that cookie drawer, he got girl scout cookies,
Chips Ahoy, double stuffed Oreos, just killin' them cookies.
Mm, another one.
(audience laughing)
Another one.
(audience laughing)
You like them Oreos, they the best.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Somebody out there laughed a little too hard, fuck.
(audience laughing)
I get so sick of watching like, "Marriage Bootcamp."
Motherfuckers quick to get married
and put all they business on national TV, man.
I don't get that shit, man, I don't get like,
watching Dr. Phil, Iyanla Vanzant,
motherfuckin' marriage ain't goin' well,
motherfuckers run in TV, I don't get that shit.
Me and my wife, we don't play that shit.
We keep all our shit in house,
you ain't hearing shit from us, fuck that.
You know, 'cause every time you see somebody
go on Dr. Phil, he gives them the same advice, you know?
You guys just gotta learn how to talk.
Learn how to communicate, get to know each other,
get him from the inside.
No, you don't, you ain't gotta talk,
you ain't gotta communicate.
Let me tell you something, I've been with my wife
for 20 years, it ain't brain surgery.
If you want your relationship to last,
since the beginning of time, it's the same formula.
Just keep suckin' dick and eatin' pussy, you'll make it.
You'll make it, that's all you gotta do.
You ain't gotta talk, me and my wife go weeks
without talkin', she still suckin' dick, we still together.
(audience laughing)
My wife got a job right now, I don't know
where the fuck she works.
Like, Gary, how's your wife doin'?
She good, man, she real good, where she workin' at?
Shit, I don't know?
(audience laughing)
I mean you gotta be honest with each other,
you do gotta be honest with each other.
'Cause I been with my wife 20 years
and I think in 20 years there were two times
I went down on her and it was a little tart, you know?
And I let her know, I went, oh, shit.
I don't know what the fuck you ate today
but it ain't workin' with your chemistry right now.
So I need you to hop in the shower, handle that shit,
and I'll be here when you get out.
(audience laughing)
My wife got mad at me, I can't believe you said that shit!
What, I'm still gonna eat your pussy.
(audience laughing)
Look, I'll be here when you get out.
Ain't like my dick and balls don't get salty
from time to time, just let me know,
ain't nobody gonna be mad.
Like, Gary, I be right back, baby, sorry.
(audience laughing)
Don't want you suckin' on a dirty dick and some dirty balls.
(audience laughing)
Want you suckin' on a clean dick with some clean balls.
(audience laughing)
That could be a song.
♪ Salty balls ♪
♪ Don't want you suckin' on no salty balls ♪
Get some background singers.
♪ Salty balls salty balls ♪
♪ No no no suckin' on no salty balls ♪
♪ Salty balls ♪
♪ Don't want you suckin' on no salty balls ♪
♪ Salty balls salty balls no no no ♪
(audience laughing)
Sorry 'bout that.
(audience laughing)
Got some white people in the audience,
I wanna make sure they're covered too.
Make sure I got a country version.
♪ I don't want you suckin' ♪
♪ Suckin' on them salty balls ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ I don't want you ♪
♪ I don't want you suckin' on them balls ♪
(audience laughing)
Oakland, you're always great, you know.
This is the reason my wife's here.
We moved back to the bay, it's a great city, great people
and thank you to Marcus for having this, thank you,
Mike Epps, I'm Gary Owen, I'll see y'all next time,
thank you, goodnight!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- I like comin' to Oakland, y'all got some
nice lookin' ladies, I go to some cities,
it's hard to look in the audience.
(audience laughing)
Three rows of werewolves right in front.
(audience laughing)
(howling)
I said, how these ugly bitches get the money
to get these tickets in the front?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, y'all ready for more comedy?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Man, with this little kid jacket on right here, man.
(audience laughing)
That's a back to school jacket.
(audience laughing)
Where the Mexicans at, where the Mexicans at?
(audience cheering and clapping)
I smell, there go Chuy Gomez!
(audience cheering and clapping)
There's the son, right there.
(audience laughing)
It's a lot of Mexicans in here, you brothers
better go to work, 'cause they watching your attendance.
(audience laughing)
Every time you call in, they tell their friend.
Look, Juan, you're gonna get the job
real soon, I'm telling you.
(audience laughing)
I know I'll never get my hair cut in Oakland again.
My hair line was right here yesterday.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's goin' down, man, this is the Boogie Cousin
Comedy Slam, third annual, you know what I'm sayin'?
He's bringing this straight to Oakland.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Bringing this, thanks, I appreciate that, buddy.
(audience laughing)
How the hos treatin' you?
(audience laughing)
Y'all ready for the next comic?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Coming to the stage, this is my man, man,
I'm talkin' about, when I tell you funny,
raw, unadulterated, straight outta Detroit,
you seen this man, you love him,
give it up for the one and only, Tony Roberts!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Hell yeah, Oakland,
where the thick women at with confidence?
Clap your hands.
(audience cheering and clapping)
This song is for you.
♪ Stomach is the new titty ♪
♪ Stomach the new titty ♪
♪ I don't care if you 50 ♪
♪ That stomach is the new titty ♪
♪ Ladies stomach is the new titty ♪
♪ Stomach the new titty ♪
Fuck a sit up, fuck Jenny Craig.
♪ Some like it flat ♪
♪ I say fuck that ♪
♪ No breast no stomach no back ♪
♪ Look like a shaved cat ♪
♪ Real women got that girth ♪
♪ It's in their genes at birth ♪
♪ I'm a show you what it's worth ♪
♪ Go hard or get hurt ♪
♪ Let me tell you without a doubt ♪
♪ Thick is in thin is out ♪
♪ Some gotta rock it off that couch ♪
♪ Raise the roof let me pat that pouch ♪
♪ Cute face thick waist ♪
♪ You got me on that chase ♪
♪ You know I crave the taste ♪
♪ Drop that monkey slap my face ♪
♪ Eeny meeny miny moe ♪
♪ Skinny girls don't want this flow ♪
♪ Turn they nose up and say so ♪
♪ Then mind your business ho ♪
(audience cheering and clapping)
♪ Stomach is the new titty ♪
You motherfuckers fine as shit.
Shit!
I wrote that song for the thick women
'cause I'm from Detroit, we breed thick women.
You see a skinny bitch in Detroit, she's a visitor.
(audience laughing)
Where the big girls can't catch their kids
so they throw shit at 'em.
Get the fuck over here, motherfucker.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
If you gotta get up two times, bitch, you winnin'.
If you gotta do this, you winnin'!
(audience laughing)
This how the girls look in Hollywood, skinny as shit,
gluten free, these bitches right here.
(audience laughing)
You don't see 'em 'till they get close to you.
You go, oh, shit, girl, where you come from?
I thought you was a meter.
(audience laughing)
Let me put a quarter in your mouth, add a hour to your life.
'Cause you about to expire, goddamn it.
(audience laughing)
Y'all sexy as shit, I'm back in Oakland,
home of the potholes, let me tell you this, nigga.
(audience laughing)
What?
I hit a pothole today, my door came open.
I'm on the door, trying to get back in the car.
(audience laughing)
I ran over a goddamn grave.
(audience laughing)
I know raggedy, I'm from Detroit.
I know raggedy when I see it.
(audience laughing)
You ever go somebody's house and the mouse traps
in the open, you go, damn, they come out here?
(audience laughing)
He's supposed to be behind the stove.
(audience laughing)
I can't stay for dinner 'cause
they come out here, they'll jump on my lap, nigga.
(audience laughing)
I love you motherfucker, I seen a white lady
with yellow teeth today, she looked like a deviled egg.
(audience laughing)
Bitch, what you brush your teeth with, a phone book?
(audience laughing)
What the fuck is goin' on?
(audience laughing)
I'm tired now, who on 45, where you at?
Who tired and sleepy right now, fuck this shit.
(audience laughing)
They shoulda did this shit in the day time, nigga,
I'm tired as fuck.
(audience laughing)
Nigga, my knee hurt for nothin', all I did was live.
(audience laughing)
Where the niggas at, where the 45 and over?
I peed three times last night, who with me?
(audience laughing)
Fuck you, y'all niggas, you don't know shit.
That nigga pee every Tuesday, he don't give a fuck.
(audience laughing)
Been riding around this city for two goddamn days,
let me tell you something, I'm the kinda nigga
you don't wanna be in front
of if you ain't got your shit together.
(audience laughing)
I'm the kinda nigga that drive
'cause I got somewhere to fuckin' go.
I ain't by myself, I ain't only one got the problem.
I got family here right now, if I say this and it pertain
to you, you raise your hand, fuck anybody around you
'cause we won, where my road ragers at?
Where the real road ragers at?
The real deal, thank you, thank you.
For y'all who didn't raise your hand, let me tell you
something, the speed limit is a goddamn suggestion.
(audience laughing)
Please get the fuck out our way.
(audience laughing)
65 mean 80 everybody know this shit.
(audience laughing)
Whoa, nigga!
Road rager, road rage?
You know when somebody get in front of you,
I don't give a fuck who it is or how old they are.
You want their goddamn head to fall off.
(audience laughing)
Bitch, move!
I had a truck in front of me, I couldn't get around him,
nigga, I almost threw up in my lap.
(audience laughing)
It had a 800 number, how's my driving on the back,
I grabbed my phone, I'm a show you
how your motherfuckin' drivin' is.
(audience laughing)
They said, "Lowe's Moving Company, can I help you?"
I said, "Move the fuck over."
(audience laughing)
Oh, fuck.
(audience laughing)
Only road ragers gonna understand this right here, what
I'm about to say, only road ragers.
You ever be in bumper to bumper traffic and a truck,
the car in front of you got this much space between them?
(audience laughing)
You wanna get out your car, yo,
get the fuck up here, right now.
(audience laughing)
This can get your ass beat, right here.
(audience laughing)
Road ragers know what the fuck I'm talkin' about.
(chuckling)
(audience laughing)
We cuss people the fuck out.
When I'm behind the wheel, I'm racist, I don't give a fuck.
(audience laughing)
You can be black, move, nigga, you ain't seen your kids
in two years, hope you're going to see somebody,
motherfucker, move!
(audience laughing)
I don't care if he's Chinese, nigga,
you built the car, you can't drive the bitch?
(audience laughing)
It say Toyota on the motherfucker.
(audience laughing)
I got it bad, I'm gettin' mad right now.
(audience laughing)
Road ragers, we cuss people out like a mother,
who cuss them out, you cuss they ass out?
Thank you, thank you but you can't take it.
You do something to me, we got a goddamn problem.
(audience laughing)
Let me be at a red light and it turn green.
One second later, you honk your horn at me.
I wish the fuck you would.
(audience laughing)
Honk your goddamn horn at me, nigga.
I cut my car off, get on the hood
and feed birds for 30 minutes.
Here, bird, eat, fuck her.
You gonna be late today, goddamn it!
I get outta my car, rotate my tires,
bitch, you don't know me.
I take all these motherfuckers off.
You ain't goin' home tonight!
(audience laughing)
I got it bad.
(audience laughing)
I ain't by myself, everybody in here know somebody
that you need to take they driver license
and cut it the fuck up.
You might be with the person now, don't say nothin'
just wink your eye.
(audience laughing)
That's how my sister is, this bitch
got the brains of a bracelet.
(audience laughing)
This how she drive,
damn, they can put a curb anywhere.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, bitch, on the sidewalk!
(audience laughing)
Stupid ass, she had a set of twins, named her daughter
Denise, and the boy Danephew.
(audience laughing)
What kinda stupid shit is this, Steph?
What kinda stupid shit is this?
(audience laughing)
Get your shit together.
(audience laughing)
How many women drive faster than they man?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Where you at, raise your hand, reckless heifers.
Raise your hand.
(audience laughing)
That's how my wife drive, fast as fuck.
I don't know why she ain't wearing gloves
and a helmet on with Wonder Bread on her car.
(audience laughing)
Fellas, you ever out with your woman, she driving so fast,
you don't understand what's goin' on, you like,
we ain't even late.
(audience laughing)
Look is somebody, you chasin', you passin' cars like this--
(making whooshing sounds)
Is there somebody chasing us?
(audience laughing)
You look at her, this bitch driving like this.
(audience laughing)
This bitch crazy.
(audience laughing)
That's how my wife, she drive fast, spend money.
She go to them high end stores.
Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Nordstrom's.
Fuck that, I'm a bargain nigga, fuck with me
and get these savings.
(audience laughing)
I'm Walmart, Target, Ross For Less,
who with me, fuck this shit.
You go to Ross For Less, that shit's so cheap,
you talk to yourself in the aisle,
eight dollars for this whole sweater,
this whole sweater eight dollars, the sleeves too?
I don't understand this shit,
I'm buying this shit right now.
(audience laughing)
You get home, the back is up right here,
it's a halter top in the back and a sweater in the front.
I don't give a fuck, I'm buying it.
(audience laughing)
Fuck with me and get these savings.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
That's what I do, I don't give a fuck, I'm cheap.
My kids talkin' about they want a big screen TV.
I move all the furniture closer to the goddamn TV.
There you go.
Now they under that bitch like this.
(audience laughing)
Fuck you mean?
(audience laughing)
My wife a health nut, who go to the gym?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Who need to go to the gym?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Some of y'all think you don't need to go to gym
'cause you look good in your clothes.
Fuck that, yes, you do.
Eat in the mirror naked one time, you gonna be in the gym
the next goddamn day.
It's gonna look like you puttin' food in a back pack.
(audience laughing)
My wife got me in the gym, she got me on diets
I don't wanna be on, fuck that, I wanna piece of sugar
so bad, I don't know what to do right now.
(audience laughing)
Every time she cook, no sugar, no salt, no seasoning,
everything bad for you, every time I eat,
taste like I'm eating clothes.
(audience laughing)
One morning she said, "How you like the eggs, Tony?"
"In a cake, goddamn it, please."
(audience laughing)
Fuck, I fuck anybody in this room
for a honey bun, I swear to God.
(audience laughing)
She got me in the goddamn gym, I'm trying to lose weight.
Some of y'all, I see some of y'all lookin' away.
Don't look away.
(audience laughing)
Believe it.
This when it's time to go to the gym.
When you see a pencil in your house,
you pick it up and look up and there's dots in the air.
(audience laughing)
And your dumb ass doin' this, look at these.
Look they over here too.
Your brain died, goddamn it!
(audience laughing)
Let me tell you the symptoms of a stroke, a stroke.
(audience laughing)
You better get your dumb ass in the gym.
I know it's hard, I know it's hard.
'Cause every time you go on a diet, shit go on sale.
Four Whoppers, four dollars, what?
I need that, fuck a diet.
You call your boy, come get me, two for you, two for me.
Look at God, look how he work, won't he do it?
(audience laughing)
Get your ass in the gym, you ever run on a treadmill
and accidentally hit the stop button and walk into Popeyes?
(audience laughing)
You don't know how you got there
but you gonna order something, fuck that shit.
(audience laughing)
I burned 2,000 calories last week, I left
a whole tray of cookies in the oven too long.
(audience laughing)
Oh God.
(audience laughing)
This what happened to me at the gym.
Let me tell you how young niggas fuck with you.
(audience laughing)
These niggas know me, they know who I am,
they don't give a fuck, they said, "What's up, old man,
"you wanna work out with us, can you hang?"
I said, "Who you calling old, punk?
"Bring it," when you say, bring it, look at it first,
don't do what I did, don't just jump in there.
They had this big ass medicine ball,
we throwin' that motherfucker, nigga.
I knew I should've stopped when I threw the ball
and snot came out my nose, I said, "What the fuck?"
Nigga, I threw that ball again, I'm seeing
stars follow the ball.
(audience laughing)
My Fitbit called a ambulance for me, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Just come with us, sir, you're having a heart attack.
I said, get the fuck away from me, you're embarrassing me.
I ain't having no goddamn heart attack, bye.
I whisper to the paramedics, go around the corner,
don't do it here.
(audience laughing)
I'll be around there in five minutes
'cause I can't feel shit on my right side at all.
These young niggas trying to kill me.
(audience laughing)
You better get your shit runnin'.
I see some young women in here with some older dudes.
I got a younger wife, look at you niggas in here.
Old school, when a woman healthy and they healthier than us,
'cause they have meetings at Panera Bread,
they drink a lot of water,
they get they rest, when they want it in the bedroom,
they want a hour, old school, you know who I'm talkin' to.
Do you have an hour in the bed?
Fuck no, you ain't got no hour in the bed.
You want a hour from me, 56 minutes gonna be conversation.
(audience laughing)
I wanna talk about the issues.
If you don't wanna talk about that, you a whore.
(audience laughing)
You ain't gonna fuck me up.
Let me tell you some old school, you better get it in.
You ever been over your girl like this
and your arms get to shakin'?
(audience laughing)
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!
(audience laughing)
'Cause you ain't did a push up since '05, nigga.
(audience laughing)
You better get in there and get your work out on.
(audience laughing)
Don't let these young, I'm telling you, these young men
and the younger they are, the stronger they are.
Uh uh, fuck that, get your shit on, I'm telling you.
When you come home, fellas, you know how we get down.
Ladies, let me tell you something 'bout,
your man with you right now, he want it all the time.
Every goddamn day, every day, don't even,
you want a happy man, every day, please
and fellas, you know how we get down.
Every time you making love to your woman, you hear this.
(moaning)
That's because she love you
and wanna make you feel like a king.
(audience laughing)
Don't never think you murderin' the shit.
(audience laughing)
I seen a baby come outta there, who are you
to fill that back up, technically?
(audience laughing)
Let me tell you something, but sometimes you gotta talk
to your woman because she forget your ego in the room.
Fellas, they do it sometime, you ever hit it from the back,
fellas, that's how we get down, ladies, next time
you're gettin' it from the back, do me a favor,
look behind you, it's gonna scare the fuck out you.
(audience laughing)
This ain't the motherfucker you know.
(audience laughing)
When we in front of you, try to look sexy in front of you.
When you ain't lookin', we ugly as fuck,
we don't give a fuck.
(yelling)
I'll kill a motherfucker!
(audience laughing)
We a different motherfucker.
And a woman, when you be hittin' it, a woman
will talk to you in a regular voice, yeah the kids
got a recital tomorrow at four o'clock.
(audience laughing)
You don't feel that shit, bitch?
You talkin' regular?
(audience laughing)
I get it in.
I do all kinda weird positions with my wife.
You know you gettin' old when your woman,
you makin' love to her, she do shit like this to you.
You doin' all right?
(audience laughing)
I'm doin' all right, bitch, how about you?
(audience laughing)
I'm on mine, so what, my eyes waterin',
my nose runnin', that's common.
(audience laughing)
I know what I'm doin'.
(audience laughing)
Me and my wife keep up the sex life, we different people,
me and my wife, my wife got, she conservative,
I'm freaky, I don't give a fuck if you know it or not.
I got some family, who freaky as fuck, freaky?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Who conservative?
Yeah, that's my wife, conservative as shit.
Not me, she got a ho in her
that she won't let out and play.
(audience laughing)
I know she in there, I can't wait to meet the bitch.
(audience laughing)
I can't wait, I'm a fuck the shit outta her.
(audience laughing)
We keep our spice life goin', you ever do role play?
That's what me and my wife do but it's different.
It's uneven, nigga, I'm for real with mine.
I take my shirt off, put the mask on, everything,
nigga, I come in through my window and all that shit.
Yeah, I'm 'bout to take this ass, bitch.
(audience laughing)
I play the burglar, she play tired.
(audience laughing)
I said, "'Bout to take this ass."
She go, "Do what you gotta do."
(audience laughing)
Stop being her, nigga, you making me sleepy, fuck.
(audience laughing)
Fellas, you ever had your woman go to bed first?
She don't wanna have sex so she get to bed real fast
and do this shit.
(audience laughing)
First of all, you ain't gotta be all
the way woke for me, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Just be breathing, I'll do the rest.
(audience laughing)
Fuck that shit.
(audience laughing)
You can do that shit if you want to.
My wife try to play that shit on me.
She was doin' this shit.
I said, I'm gonna get on top, I'll fuck her anyway.
I get on top, she do this.
I go around here, she do this.
I said, "Bitch, you woke."
(audience laughing)
That's woke shit.
(audience laughing)
I said, I'm a get her mouth open, get some head,
fuck it, nigga, I can't get her mouth open for shit.
I said, "I know you woke now, don't nobody sleep like this."
(audience laughing)
What in the fuck, you a crocodile?
Who in the fuck sleeps like this?
(audience laughing)
Fellas, what they do?
They give you the side booty, you ever get this, go ahead.
(audience laughing)
We got pride, but we can't stop lookin' at it.
Yeah, whatever, we don't need that shit.
(audience laughing)
This the last time.
(audience laughing)
And she lookin' like a homicide victim in that bed.
(audience laughing)
Went to church, my aunt's church, pastor this tall,
nigga wanna baptize me.
(audience laughing)
We in the tub together, we in the pool,
I'm like, nigga, can you hold me?
This some bullshit.
(audience laughing)
He start dippin' me and losing me,
I took that niggas with me.
(audience laughing)
I'm trying to get up, I said,
"Let me up, nigga, let me alone!"
(audience laughing)
He jumped up, "What the fuck wrong with you?"
I said, "What?
"I rebuke you."
(audience laughing)
Got some people goin' to church tomorrow.
Who go to church everyday?
That's a goddamn shame.
(audience laughing)
That's my grandmama, she go every goddamn day.
(audience laughing)
Church be locked sometime, I don't know how she get in.
She's been arrested three times.
(audience laughing)
You know you go to church too much, you got biblical
pictures in your house and you got Jesus in the picture
and you next to Jesus, you had somebody
paint you in the picture.
She on the picture of the Last Supper like this,
on the end with everybody else.
(audience laughing)
She got cornbread and macaroni and cheese.
(audience laughing)
Y'all look out for my new album coming out.
It's out right now in all digital platforms.
It's called, "You Need Your Ass Beat."
(audience laughing)
You need your ass beat.
If you a thug and you ticklish, you need your ass beat.
(audience laughing)
You bought a pregnancy test from the dollar store,
you need your ass beat.
(audience laughing)
If you a pimp with a roommate, you need your ass beat.
(audience laughing)
I love y'all, I'm Tony Roberts.
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering and clapping)
♪ I'm out of this world not your run of the mill'n ♪
♪ My name is Furl I'm the owner of the building ♪
♪ I'm a stoner and I'm chillin' with two bitches like Jack ♪
♪ I pimps and I mack drive a Benz and a 'lac ♪
♪ Man I've been in the back wit the groupies and the stars ♪
♪ I've been out front with the thugs and the guards ♪
♪ I've been in the yard with the Mexican mafia ♪
♪ And I only run with niggas that'll kill and die for ya ♪
♪ I'm popular I'm a rap star ♪
♪ But I live like a rock star running from the cop cars ♪
♪ I drop bars wit slaps that knock hard ♪
♪ And I charge for this dick extra large ♪
♪ I'm sicker than SARS higher than Mars and I treat ♪