Downloaded from YTS.MX
(man groans) (brooding music)
- You are fucking. (groans)
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
(excrement splashes) (sighs)
(flush handle clanks)
(groans)
(flush lid clacks)
(magical twinkling)
(magic lamp squeaks)
(smoke hisses)
(dildo whooshes)
- Yeah, baby, hold up
in those butt cheeks.
Mama's coming in.
The fuck is this shit?
You stupid asshole!
I was in the middle of something.
(dramatic music)
(dildo sloshes) (psycho groans)
(genie laughs)
Nice costume, dicksmack.
Where'd you get the outfit?
From a Halloween store clearance rack?
Hurry the fuck up.
I've got blonde babes to pleasure.
- Um-um.
- Hello? Did you not hear me?
Lamp, genie, three wishes,
let's go! (psycho groans)
Wait, what's with the stupid mask?
(psycho sighs)
- Let me tell you a story.
(whimpers)
So when I was a little kid,
my dad took me to the zoo, and he's like,
"Let's go and see the lions."
I thought, "Yeah, I want it."
So we went there,
and we went right for it. (genie yawns)
And, and he picked me up,
and he threw me in,
and I had to fight my way out just to survive.
That's how I've got
this horrible scar on my face.
And that's why I wear the mask.
- Yeah, whatever.
Come on, let's do it.
- I wish to put you to my rack.
- Your wish is, wait, what?
(magical twinkling)
(chain clanks) (genie pants)
Son of a bitch!
Usually, I get excited about this type of thing
but you look like walking infection!
- Shut up, bitch!
- Excuse me!
Look, freak, I don't know
if you realize who I am
or what I'm capable of but-
- I know exactly what you are,
and I know that you're bound to me
until I'm through with you.
I'm gonna carve that heart
right out of your chest!
Hmm.
(man slops)
- God, this isn't even the worst thing
that's happened to me today.
Beeline, cocksucker!
(gong reverberates)
(dramatic music)
(mystical music)
(magical twinkling)
(dramatic music continues)
(brooding music)
(ticket rustles)
- Feeling good about your life?
- I want that.
- I'm gonna need you to count those tickets.
One by one, nice and slow.
- You're the employee.
You count them.
(tickets rustles)
- I've never seen anybody
win enough tickets to earn this.
Here you go.
You do know you can get one of those
on the internet for like 10 bucks, right?
- What the hell is this?
- I'm gonna assume
you had some extra tickets.
- Keep it, give it to the next
hot chick you wanna date with.
- Hmm, it's not a bad idea.
(lamp chain clanks)
(mesmerizing music) (smoke hisses)
(genie puffs)
(genie sighs)
- Damn, that's strong.
- You're not Sabiah.
Who the hell are you?
(magical twinkling)
- I am Mahktoonah, the beautiful and the divine.
I'm here to grant you three wishes
of, of, shoot.
Where is the rest of the script?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where's Sabiah?
- My mixed sister?
Probably complaining somewhere
with extreme bitch face,
but you don't need her, I am here.
I can grant you any wish that she can,
probably even better.
- Well, my first wish is for you
to put some goddamn clothes on.
Is this a thing with your family?
- Oh, sorry, no, can't do.
- What do you mean no, can't do?
You're, you're a genie.
You have to do what I wish for.
- Not exactly.
- I know about the no-wishing-for-more-wishes thing.
- No, there's only one rule
that genies have to abide by.
- And that is?
- We can't grant wishes
that have already been wished for.
- You're kidding.
- No, I mean could you imagine
what would happen if we granted wealth
and power to everyone who found our lamps?
It would cause chaos in the markets.
And you already wished for a genie
to put her clothes on.
So that's done for, forever.
And now, that I think of it,
you're the first person in human history
to wish for a genie to put her clothes back on.
I take offense to your wish.
Am I not beautiful to you?
- Yeah, you're gorgeous.
But I mean, what are all those reviewers
who called us immature and obsessed
with breasts going to say now?
- I'm sure they'll continue
to complain on their adorable little blogs
that so many people read.
- Fine, Mahktoonah, my first wish
is I wish to be with Sabiah.
Your wish is my command.
(magical twinkling)
- Well, where's Sabiah?
- I have no idea.
- And how is this granting my wish?
- Well, you didn't say right now,
so it's at some point in the future.
You two will totally be together, wish granted.
- Are you telling me I wasted a wish
because of a technicality?
- Well, I'm pretty new at this.
You're only my second.
I know there's something I'm supposed
to tell you about thinking carefully
about your wishes, but I'm still pretty
buzzed from inhaling all that smoke.
- God, I can't even...
You say we'll be together.
Do you know when?
- [Mahktoonah] You can wish.
- No.
- Look, I don't know where she is right now,
but I know someone who does.
Do you have a chariot?
- Are you trying to get me
to go on an ancient road trip?
- Yes, I love road trips.
This one time, the Pharaoh Khufu
took me on a trip down the Nile.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Road trip it is.
To the chariot!
- Yay!
- So what's your deal?
Problem with the ladies
that you have to tie 'em up
and hack 'em to pieces in mommy's basement?
I can grant you a wish
to change all that, you know?
- I want you to tell me a story today.
- What is it with you humans
in demanding stories all the time?
- It's gonna take some time
before I read all the incantations
so I can imbue this blade,
so I can pierce your skin!
- I am not gonna play this game.
- I still got some raspberry jam
I can take them on.
I aim to place this over again.
- Fine, fine story.
(magical twinkling)
(peaceful country music)
- Easy there son.
- No danger, old timer.
Just passing through and saw your fire.
Thought I'd stop for some conversation.
(adventurous music)
You're gonna eat those?
Let me get your name, friend.
I'm Jack.
- Names are nothing but a target on your back.
And there's damn sure
no such thing as friends out here.
- I suppose that's what counts
for nuggets of wisdom in these parts.
- You call it what you will,
but it'll keep you out of a pine box.
Where are you heading?
- Deadwood.
- (laughs) Deadwood.
There's nothing in Deadwood,
but two dead poker players
and rotten dancing girls.
- Just a first stop, friend.
I wanna make a name for myself, see.
These right here are the fastest
hands in the West.
Nobody, and I mean nobody
can out quick draw me.
I'm gonna take out every gunfighter
in this new territory, and then some.
People everywhere are gonna remember
the name, Jack McCallahan.
Hey, that may even get me a swell
nickname in the newspapers.
Maybe something like the Dangerous Deadeye Jack.
(old timer laughs)
Or maybe it won't be the Dangerous Deadeye Jack,
but it'll be something.
Just you wait and see.
- Young gunslingers looking
to get their names on posters.
Old ones living the rest of their life
looking over their shoulder for the Grim Reaper.
No, it ain't no way to live, kid.
(brooding music)
- Say I hear teller gold around these parts,
could use a little glint to get me started.
- You heading down that valley?
- Supposed I were.
- (laughs) Man.
- You're gonna tell me what you think
is so goddamn funny?
- They call it the Devil's Corkscrew.
- The what now?
- The Devil's Corkscrew.
- Get coffee now that you got some food.
I'll tell you about it
since you wanted some conversation.
(gun fires)
(man groans) (gold pieces clack)
- Ah, oh, bloody hell.
No, no, no, no.
It's not fair, I earned this.
Please (whimpers), that look, please.
(gun fires)
- God, please grant his soul peace in your presence.
- We should all be so lucky.
Charlotte, tend to Bill.
- Okay.
- How much further?
- Two, three miles at the most.
- Leave him, Samuel, and let's go!
- Sarah, I can keep up.
- Nobody's leaving anybody.
- We're not gonna make it carrying him.
That thing is coming to put a bullet
in each and every one of us.
And that includes you, Charlotte.
And God ain't gonna help you neither.
- Maybe we can find a horse.
- Look around you, James.
There are no goddamn horses in this place.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- I will show you I can make it.
(wails) (bones crack)
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
We need to do something.
- There's only one thing we can do.
(sad music)
James.
- No, no.
Don't, don't, not my leg.
- You don't look like a Bill.
How'd you get that name?
- You don't be.
It's Bill Nardo Casanova Chavez.
- I think Bill suits you just fine.
You've done this before?
- Aye, once or twice.
- Charlotte, now, you hold him tight.
(Charlotte groans)
Bite down, Bill.
- Okay, okay, give me your hand,
give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
Okay, we're gonna get back.
You promised your mother.
(ax chops) (Bill wails)
- Put pressure on it, be right back.
(fire crackles)
- You know he ain't gonna make it.
I didn't spend years on that bag
to lose this for a goddamn act of kindness.
I will do what needs to be done to survive.
(birds chirp)
(hot knife sizzles)
(Bill wails)
- Charlotte, get him up.
You're gonna have to help him walk.
James, grab their bags.
- It's too much weight.
- There's not much we can do about that.
- Let's go!
(adventurous music)
(lighthearted music)
- Come on, Bill, we have to keep up.
- I'm sorry, Charlotte.
I can't keep going anymore.
- Bill!
- No, no, come on, no.
Samuel, help me!
Come on, no, come on.
Hey, look at me, look at me.
We can do this, we can make this, okay?
We can make this.
Can you get him up?
Look at me, you can do this.
We can get this. - Charlotte.
I want you to tell my mother
and make sure you tell Germaine about the baby.
Use the money to marry the fool
and spoil the kid.
Because, because...
(bags thud)
- No, come on now, no, come on.
Bill, wake up please!
Wake him up!
Wake up, Bill!
Wake up, Bill! (sobs)
- Throw some dirt on him and let's go.
(brooding music)
(punch thuds) (Charlotte grunts)
(gasps)
Oh, that's a bout worthy of any man I know.
(Charlotte wails)
(slaps crack)
- No! (groans)
It's not me.
(gun fires)
Get back!
Sarah, on your back,
like the whore that you'll always be.
- Ain't it amazing how ones quickly
forgets their past when they find Jesus.
- Charlotte, put down the gun!
- No! She's the cancer's evil.
God Himself would have put,
put this creature down.
(Sarah pants)
- You're just like me, honey,
still on your knees.
Only now, you call it piety.
You don't have the guts.
- I guess we're about to find out.
(dramatic music)
(gun fires)
(adventurous music)
- Hurry, grab the bags.
- Wait, don't.
- There's no time, let's go!
- We can't leave all that gold behind.
- [Samuel] Then you carry it.
(brooding music)
- Slow, slow down.
I can't, I can't, I gotta stop.
Need, need water! (groans)
- Get up, we're almost there.
We've almost made it.
- I can't, I can't go on,
I'm too thirsty.
- Here, you have mine.
- No.
- Sarah, no!
(gun fires) (James groans)
What the hell are you doing?
- I meant what I said.
He is slowing us down.
- You have lost your goddamn mind.
- No, I am the one who is seeing clearly.
Survival means doing what needs to be done.
- You evil wench. (groans)
Oh, it hurts, damn it.
(groans)
- I'm sorry for getting you into this, old boy.
- I, I just needed the money for medicine.
- I know, I know.
- Make sure she gets my share.
I, I don't want her to die in pain.
(groans)
- I never could lie to you, James.
I'm sorry you didn't make it.
- What, what, what are you doing?
(Samuel groans)
You're just gonna leave?
No, Sam, you snake. (groans)
No, no!
(Sarah pants)
- There it is.
I knew I'd make it.
(Samuel groans)
(gasps)
There it is.
I did it, I did it!
(Samuel groans)
(gold pieces clack)
(revealing music)
(sad harmonica music)
It's right there, on the other side,
just waiting for us.
- How can we be so sure?
- The legend says if we can cross back,
if we can prove ourselves-
- Then we can keep all of that
lovely gold for ourselves.
- But dying and coming back?
It's not natural.
- We'll come back right, Samuel?
- I'll do my best to protect you.
You have my word.
But I ain't coming back.
- Won't be a problem.
You need this just
as much as we do, Samuel,
Then it's settled.
To our futures.
- L'Chaim.
(uplifting music)
(group cough)
- We made it, I told you so.
Now, I can live the life that I deserve.
That I'm old.
(gun clicks)
I should have seen this coming.
Minute you crawled into my bed,
talking about legends and treasures.
Look at you now.
A big man pointing a gun at an unarmed lady.
- You're no lady.
- I will be.
This is enough to erase my past
and start a new life,
without rattlesnakes like you.
(knife whooshes) (gun fires)
(Samuel laughs)
- It's mine, it's all mine! (laughs)
It's real, it's real. (laughs)
It's all real.
(perplexed music)
(adventurous music)
(rope whooshes)
(wolf howls)
(adventurous music)
(gun clicks)
- Well, what are you waiting for?
Take my soul.
That's your end of the bargain, right?
(gun clicks)
Wait, what are you doing?
Take me!
Don't leave me out here all alone,
not by myself, not for an eternity of this.
- Well, that was one hell
of a story there, old timer.
- Well, you know what they say?
The devil is in the details.
- Or a corkscrew,
spiraling towards death.
Well, I best be getting on my way.
I appreciate the beans
and the conversation.
- You're still going after that gold?
- Maybe I should just take yours.
(guns click)
- Get you started.
- See you around, old timer.
- I'll be seeing ya.
(car engine whirs)
(light switch clicks)
- So where are we going?
- To see the Oracle.
- The Greek mythology Oracle?
- You know your history.
The Oracle will know where to find Sabiah.
- And how long will this take?
- Less time than it takes
the Sultan of Agba to lick a nipple.
- I don't even know what that means.
I wish you would just-
- Yes?
- Nope, caught myself.
Not doing that again, nice try.
- So you found my sister, huh?
What'd you wish for?
- Had her make me a pizza,
and then over the course of the night,
she told me a bunch of horror stories.
- (gasps) Ooh, I love stories.
Let's tell some, can I go first?
- I suppose it will pass the time.
What's it about?
- Oh goody, it goes like this.
(light switch clicks)
(mysterious music)
(woman giggles) (man pants)
(door scratches)
(woman pants)
(shovels clank)
- Why do I have to carry
all the shovels, you guys?
Tammy, one of you could
at least carry the bucket.
(body thuds)
- Your mouth is good for one thing
and talking ain't it, sweetie.
So shut your carpet cleaner and stop complaining.
Imagine if we're the ones to find her body.
We'll get our pictures in the paper.
Maybe even get on the news.
How are we gonna know
the grave when we see it?
(bucket clanks)
- We got the map, your brother,
Eric, gave us, you fool.
He wouldn't have sent us on no snipe hunt,
now, would he?
Well, I don't know, man.
Where is he anyway?
he was supposed to meet us back in town.
(ominous music)
- Here it is, boys.
(crickets chirp)
- X marks the spot, baby.
We're gonna be famous.
Geocaching subreddit ain't got shit on us.
- Don't know about this, guys.
I heard if you walk by Isabelle's grave,
you'll die before your next birthday,
and you won't have sex for a whole week.
Oh, I don't want that for us, Tammy.
My mom's expecting us
to get married and have kids.
- Don't be an idiot, sweetie.
Now, zip your lip and button up your fly.
- If she was buried here,
wouldn't have someone have dug her up by now?
- Judging from all this junk left
around here, people have tried,
probably got too scared.
- You believe the story,
how her own daddy gouged out her eyes
with a broken lapel?
- [Companion] Yeah, and how he had locked
her away in the nuthouse.
- But she got her revenge,
broke out, killed him, and 12 others,
13 in all.
Hell of a girl.
- How'd a blind girl kill all those people?
- [Tammy] They say she hunted 'em down
listening ever so carefully
for the beat of their terrified hearts.
- After they finally stopped her,
townsfolk snagged her body, burned it,
and dumped it in a hole in the earth
far from town.
- [Tammy] Grandpa told me the story once.
Said her body wouldn't burn.
- Wouldn't burn? Why wouldn't she burn?
- Said she was a demon or something worse.
- Tammy, can we just go home, and Netflix,
and do whatever two people do
when they love each other very much?
I'm super scared.
- I didn't come all the way out here
to turn around now and run home.
So pussy up and start digging for your sweetie.
(brooding music)
(woman moans)
(shovel clacks)
- Honey bun, my back hurts.
I wanna go home.
- Keep digging, and don't call me honey buns.
Makes me sound like some
kinda goddang hostess parlor.
- Why aren't you digging?
- Because I can kick your asses,
you impotent gnomes, that's why.
Now, stop crying and start shoveling.
(metal clanks)
- I think we found something.
- George Lucas in the G-string, it's here.
- Get out of the way, let me see.
(ominous music)
Open it.
- Don't wanna.
- It ain't about wanna,
it's about you doing what I tell you, sweetie.
- Come on, dingus, give me a hand.
(coffin creaks)
- Isabelle Whiteworth, the belle from hell.
- Man, she stank.
- Oh, I'm gonna be sick. (retches)
- [Companion] There's some kind of a mask on her face.
- [Tammy] Let me see.
- Don't look like she's been dead
more than a day or two,
kinda peculiar for someone buried
over half a century ago,
don't you think?
- What are you waiting for?
Let's take Ms. Isi for a walk.
(ominous music)
(woman moans)
Looks like she's stuck or something.
Glad we brought the bucket.
Mark, get down here
and pop her head off with a shovel.
- No, this crosses the line, Tammy.
- I'll cross your line, mister.
(Mark retches)
Whatever, I'll do it.
Where is the bucket?
Guess this head ain't movin' without a fight.
Hell of a girl.
- I think I got the tool for the job.
(penknife whooshes)
(Mark retches)
(thunder roars)
(companion laughs)
(horrifying music)
(Mark whimpers)
(bones crack)
- Fuck, oh, fucking run!
(Isabelle wails)
(Isabelle laughs)
(bones crack)
(horrifying music continues)
(thunder rumbles)
(Isabelle wails)
(door scratches)
- Oh, Tammy?
- Hey, what gives?
- Eric, we was waiting for you
while you've been here making out
all this whole goddamn time?
What kind of deprived animals
get it on in a barn?
(Isabelle groans)
(gasps) She's coming.
- Who?
- Isabelle Whiteworth.
(body sucks)
Hell girl.
(door thuds)
(Eric groans)
- Shit, I hope I didn't give him my number.
(Tammy groans)
(head cracks)
(cleaver sucks)
(laughs) Gotcha!
(Isabelle groans)
Ooh, it's so gross to do.
(rake thuds)
(Eric whimpers)
- That was her.
That was really her.
That was Isabelle.
She's back from the...
(head thuds)
(bones crack)
(ominous music)
(Isabelle laughs)
- Wow, nice job.
That was pretty rad.
Much more vivid to Harrington.
Better executed than some of the stories
your sister told me.
- Thanks, your turn.
- Me? Oh, I don't know.
I don't think I have anything good.
- Oh, come on!
Don't be a pussy!
- Okay, okay, I think I know a pretty good.
My friend told me once.
- Oh, tell me more.
(magical twinkling)
(tense music)
(woman groans)
- Help me.
Help me! (sobs)
(truck engine revs)
(truck brake squeaks)
(truck door thuds)
(footsteps rustle)
- Miss.
Miss.
Miss, miss, are you all right?
Are you all right?
- Please, please get me outta here.
- Whoa, whoa, calm down.
Are you, are you bleeding?
- Help me to your car.
- Calm down, what happened here, what-
- We don't have time for this, please.
We have to get outta here.
- Look, why don't you wait here,
and I'll go get help?
- You can't leave me out here by this ditch.
- Why are you covered in blood?
- It's not my blood.
- Okay, tell you what?
You just sit tight.
I'll go ahead to town, and get help,
and will be right back.
- You can't leave me out here.
- Look, I'll just go on up ahead and get help.
- No, you can't.
You can't leave me out here.
Give me a ride, a cell phone, anything please.
You can't leave me out here all by myself.
- Lady, we're in a dead zone,
there's no service out here.
- You need to help me.
I can't let you leave.
(tense music continues)
(truck door thuds)
(truck engine revs)
Please.
(tense music continues)
(truck tires rustles)
(stranded man pants)
(truck tires rustles)
- Hey, was that your car
a couple of miles back there?
- Yeah, overheated.
Damn Nebraska summers, right?
- Ehm-hmm.
- Hey, you don't have any water, do you?
- Ah, I don't but I'm going into town.
There's a gas station there.
You could get some coolant.
- Oh, that'd be great.
- Well, hop in.
- Thank you.
(truck door thuds)
(truck engine revs)
I can't believe how desolate it is out here.
- Ehm-hmm.
- Lucky you found me.
Otherwise, I'd be walking who knows
how long in this damn humid heat.
- Well, I just had the weirdest thing
happened to me about 20 minutes ago.
- Yeah?
- I'm driving along.
Suddenly, there's this woman
on the side of the road.
She's covered with blood,
and she's waving around this big hammer,
and just freaking out.
Well, I had to leave her there.
- What? Look, should we go back and pick her up?
I mean, she could be injured.
- Ah, believe me.
You don't wanna get involved
in that kinda crazy.
Besides, she said it wasn't her blood.
I think she may have killed someone.
Well, not to worry.
The sheriff patrol's out there all the time.
He'll pick her up.
- I don't know, it seems kinda cruel
to leave her out there like that.
- (laughs) Cruel?
Probably not half as cruel
as what she did to that poor
son of a bitch with that hammer.
God knows, my wife probably wanted
to take a hammer at me a time or two
in our 30 years of marriage. (laughs)
Oh, sorry, jokes aren't my strong suit.
My wife puts up with a lot of my shit,
but she's a damn good woman.
Who'd have thought of a punker like me
could meet a soul mate.
But they say, there's someone
out there for everybody.
Hey, you married?
- Oh yeah, six years.
- Oh.
- Couple of rug rats.
Things haven't been going too great though.
- Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.
Another woman?
- No, nothing like that.
Just money problems, the same bullshit.
- I hear ya, take it
from someone who's been there and done that.
Money problems are no reason
to let a good woman go.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
(perplexed music)
(car door clicks)
- Damn it! (car thuds)
(car door thuds)
- Thank you so much for the lift.
- Sure. - Hopefully now,
I can finally get some work done today.
- Work eh, what do you do?
- I'm a botanist.
- Bought a what?
- Basically, I'm a glorified plant scientist.
- Ah.
- I come out here to study new species
and you know, hopefully,
find something that can save lives.
- Oh, like cure cancer or something?
- Something like that.
- Did you find anything interesting out here?
All Nebraska seems to have to offer
is corn and ditch weed.
- Yeah, actually, I came
across something last week.
Could be a game-changer.
- Well, you make sure to name it after yourself.
I hear you scientist guys
can do that if you want to.
- Only sometimes.
(truck tires rustles)
- Right where I left it.
Well, let me fill her up.
(creature howls)
- Did you hear that? (ominous music)
- Hear what?
- Well, I must be hearing things.
- I thought I heard some kind of strange
sound coming from the ditch.
- Hopefully, it's not that woman
you left on the side of the road back there.
(woman pants)
Well, that should do it.
(car hood clanks)
Hey, thanks again for the lift.
- Oh sure, no problem.
- Hey, you know, you should pick
some of these nice wild flowers
and take them home to your wife.
Kinda smooth things over with her.
- Yeah, I might do that.
(creature howls)
- See, there it is again.
You heard it that time, didn't you?
- Oh yes, I discovered it earlier this week.
It's a game-changer.
In fact, I showed my wife earlier today.
- Wait, your wife?
(truck driver groans)
(creature munches)
- No more wife, happy life.
And now, no witnesses.
So win-win.
(hammer thuds) (man groans)
- Hi honey, you're right.
(car keys clank)
(creature howls)
It really is a game-changer.
(man wails)
(tentacles tighten)
(bones crack)
(nostalgic music)
- I loved it, I totally wasn't expecting that.
- Thanks, sequels are always bigger
and better than the first one, right?
- It will be tough to top that one,
but I have another in mind.
(car clanks)
- Oh, shit!
- What's wrong with your chariot?
- The horses have overheated.
They need water.
Well, let's find a mechanic the next town.
- Oh, goody, a mechanic.
What's a mechanic?
(psycho killer chants in foreign language)
(tattoo sizzles) (genie groans)
- Hmm?
(chants in foreign language)
- It's Endemo.
(book thuds)
(knife scrapes)
Fucking asshole, what the hell
are you doing to me?
- Tattoos act as protection.
I must cancel their effects with the book
before I can take your heart out.
How did that feel?
- Like you fucking burned me!
- Good, that means that it's working.
- Tell me another story.
- I'm not telling you shit.
- I wish for your compliance.
- Granted!
(magical twinkling)
Why do you wanna hear?
I don't know anything
that will top the last story.
- As far as the next story goes, surprise me.
- Fine!
(thunder rumbles) (ominous music)
(door knocks)
- How do you do, madam?
- Trying to get out of this rain, thank you.
Is this the Wafer Bed and Breakfast?
- The one and only.
Please, why don't you come inside?
- Oh, thank you kindly.
(thunder roars)
(door thuds)
You will allow me to fetch you a towel
with which to dry off?
- That'll be swell.
- May I take your bag?
- That'll be so much appreciated.
- Please follow me.
- It's raining cats and dogs out there.
My car broke down on the road
a little ways back.
Sheer luck that I happened
to see your lights through the storm.
Oh, do you happen to have
a telephone I could use?
- I'm afraid the storm has rendered
our telephone inoperable, madam.
- Shoot.
- I could offer you a room for the night, madam.
I'm sure the storm will pass by the morning,
and I can give you a ride into town
on my way to the store.
- That would be so kind.
How much for the room?
- Not necessary, madam.
After all, it is not your fault
your car broke down.
- You are a godsend, thank you so much.
- It's quite all right.
The world could use more simple kindness in it.
I will be serving dinner
for the other guest in the dining room,
and I would be happy
to set another place for you.
- That would be wonderful.
I just need to dry off.
- Of course.
Up the stairs, third door on the right.
(mysterious music)
(thunder rumbles)
(door creaks)
(door clicks)
- I think you have the wrong room.
- Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.
- Like what you see?
- I, yeah, no, I am, I'm,
I am so ashamed, so sorry.
- Oh, do you mind?
- Oh, sure.
- Thank you.
My name's Tiffany.
It's nice to meet you.
- June, nice to meet you too.
- You're the only other person
I've seen here tonight.
Well, other than the weird butler.
I'm stuck here tonight
until the storm passes.
- So am I, my car broke down
a little ways back.
- Mine too, that storm is insane though.
I almost drowned trying to get here.
- Oh, you know, I was hoping
they have a telephone,
but I guess the storm's knocked out the lines.
- Maybe the only way this place
gets any business is waiting for damsels
to break down on the side of the road.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
He's letting me stay for free.
- (gasps) Shut up, he charged me $30.
- Oh, maybe I'm his type.
- Dirty old man gives you a free room,
remember, lock your door tonight.
Maybe if I flash some cleavage at dinner,
I can get my money back.
(gasps) He's making broiled lobster tail
with garlic-chili butter.
Hopefully he has ridiculous amount of wine too.
- Well, you can't pass that up.
I'm just gonna dry off and get changed
but I'll probably be down later.
- Good, because I can't drink alone
or I'll get, I'll do something stupid.
(door creaks)
(door thuds)
(thunder rumbles)
(clacks)
- Guess a free room doesn't include heat.
(brooding music)
(butler laughs)
(sighs)
June, stop acting like you're 12.
(gasps) (scary music)
I must've been more tired than I realized.
You know, I'll pass on dinner.
(door clicks)
(thunder rumbles)
(pants)
(brooding music)
(lightning crackles)
(floorboard creaks)
(butler slurps)
Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry to bother you at this late hour,
but I was wondering if I could trouble you
for a glass of water?
I had this horrible nightmare.
(butler laughs)
- You did not join us for dinner, madam.
- What, oh, yes, I'm, I'm sorry.
I was feeling a little light-headed,
and I laid down.
I guess, I must have been
more tired than I realized.
- (laughs) It's quite all right.
The other girl suited nicely.
- Tiffany?
- Was that her name? (laughs)
She was a very nice girl.
- Did she leave already?
(butler sucks)
Did you give her a ride into town?
I am sorry, again,
but do you know where I could get a glass of water?
- Why, madam, we have no water here.
We only carry one type of refreshment.
We only carry blood!
(June wails)
(laughs)
(slurps)
(June pants)
(door pounds)
- No.
(door creaks)
(butler laughs)
(wails)
No. (whimpers)
(tense music)
(door thuds)
(lock clicks)
(doorknob clicks)
(door pounds)
(pants)
(anxious music)
(butler laughs)
(sighs)
(birds chirp)
(calming music)
(water splashes)
(door knocks)
Ah, yes?
- [Butler] Good morning, madam.
I brought breakfast.
Are you decent? May I come in?
- Ah, yes, come in.
(door clicks)
- I'm sorry, madam.
I did not mean to wake you.
- You just startled me, is all.
- Nothing a hearty American breakfast can't solve.
I wanted to let you know
that I will be heading into town in a short while
and would be happy to take you
if you still desire so.
- Town, I...
- Madam, I do hope I'm not overstepping my bounds,
but you look like you've seen a ghost.
Are you all right?
Would you like me to fetch a doctor?
- No, no, I just had a bad dream, is all.
- Oh yes, this place can do that to a person.
I imagine that's part of the reason
we don't see the traffic we once used to.
It seems the world has moved
on from these ghastly Victorian Era hotels.
It's a shame really.
Oh, well, in any event, may I?
- Oh yes, please, I'm starving.
- It would not be a bed and breakfast
if not for the breakfast portion.
- (gasps) What is this?
It smells delicious. (dramatic music)
(gasps)
(ax thuds)
(birds chirp)
- Thank you, madam.
The kitchen always needs to be stocked.
(birds chirp)
(mystical music)
(bracelets clink)
- So yeah, can you fix it?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, my friend's not from around here.
(mechanic laughs)
(mechanic spits)
- Yeah, I can fix it.
I reckon gonna take about two hours.
- Really? That's great, how much?
- Well, I tell you what,
I just started boiling some stew
around back in the trailer when y'all stopped.
What'd you say,
you and pretty lady here,
join me for a bite,
and well, a little company,
and what'd you say, we call it even.
- I mean, thanks, but I don't know.
- It's rude to turn down hospitality
around these parts, you know?
- Ooh, did somebody say stew?
- Yeah.
- I love stew.
- I said stew.
- Is it dragon tongue?
- No.
- I love basilisks.
- Not quite.
- Hair of Gorgon? (moans)
- Mahktoonah, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
- Eh, the lady knows what she wants.
Now, head on back around the trailer,
and well, I guarantee
this gonna be the best stew I ever made.
- (gasps) Come on, Jeff!
- Come on, Jeff, let's get on.
(brooding music)
(sighs) Man.
Y'all gonna like what I'm cooking up.
Hmm, good Lord.
Look at this, Jeff.
This lampshade's made
from the strangest material.
- Girl, yeah, uh, ah.
Oh. (spits)
(laughs)
- Mahktoonah, we need to get out of here.
- [Mahktoonah] This drawing reminds me of someone.
I can't quite place who.
- All right, I got a little something for you.
All right.
There, take this.
- Not a chance.
- I ain't asking.
This is my obligation.
- [Mahktoonah] Ooh, I want some.
- Yeah, you do.
- Mahktoonah, what are you-
- That's it, drink it, girl.
Drink it, drink it, drink it.
Yeah, that's, that's some powerful stuff,
right there, huh?
- Oh my, that's good.
(grand orchestral music)
- Oh, my God, Mahktoonah.
(mechanic laughs)
Are you okay? - Yeah, all right, now.
I wanna thank you for the gift.
- What gift?
- Why, her, of course.
I mean, (sighs) it's been a long time
since I've had some djinn,
and that's genie djinn,
that ain't liquor gin.
Now, you're gonna taste good too,
but (sighs) it's been ages
since I had made me some genie,
and my stew, well,
hmm, it needs some good meat.
- You're a cannibal?
(mechanic laughs)
- Well yes, son.
Don't you know?
You only now are seeing?
Come on, go now.
Come on, get it, go now!
(punches thud)
Go now! (groans)
Come on.
No, wait.
(slurps)
(Mahktoonah yawns)
(laughs)
- Time out!
- God, what?
(poke squelches)
- God damn it, you poke-
(groans)
No!
(remote control sucks)
(groans)
(sad music)
- Christ!
- You saved me.
- Who the hell is that guy?
- Polyphemus, I think.
Dude's an asshole.
- Poly who?
- He's a cyclops.
Oh, I can't believe I was so stupid.
Don't tell my sister.
I'll never hear the end of it.
- A cyclops?
There's no such thing as a cyclops.
- Remove his eyepatch.
- Just fucking sat down.
(tense music)
(mechanic groans)
Shouldn't the eye in the middle of his forehead?
- It is, it's the rest of his face that's crooked.
- Yeah, obviously, let's get out of here.
Here, hydrate.
- Thanks.
(keys clink)
Oh, hey!
- What are you doing?
- Here, you should keep this.
- Why?
- For protection?
- I appreciate foreshadow, let's go.
- Oh my gosh.
That was so good.
I can't wait to see how it ends.
- Let me get this straight.
I wished for the best
no-budget Indie Hall film,
and this is the best
you puny Earthlings have to offer?
I am the Robo-Mummy.
I demand to see "Return of the Robo-Mummy
"From Outer Space Part Seven".
Dead Lantern filmed that like three years ago.
- Well, get in line, buddy.
I've been waiting like five years
to see this one through.
- Totally worth it though.
Way better than the first anthology.
- Hah, lies, the only good sequel
is the "Robo-Mummy" sequel.
Who was the knob who decided
this was a good use of his money?
You do realize that all blame
is on the producer, right?
- Yeah, I know.
- Guys, look, we're on the intermission.
Hi there, you must be asking yourself,
who is this lovely creature?
Well, my name is Kamaria,
and I'm in "Tingles Down Your Spine",
the third and final film
for this anthology trilogy.
Get that confused look off your face.
We haven't filmed it yet.
- Enough, I wish we were back at my ship.
- Granted,
(magical twinkling)
- We shall go to the planet Hubba at Doh-Jobs,
where the women have eight breasts,
instead of two.
- Wait a minute,
that's four times the expense.
- You are only halfway through this epic film,
so you may be needing to take a break,
and I'm here to tell you,
it's okay to take one.
What's great about horror anthologies
is that they don't need to be consumed all at once.
So go grab some popcorn.
(magical twinkling)
Go get a drink.
(magical twinkling)
Go have sex with someone.
(playful boinking)
(Robo-Mummy moans)
- Yeah, oh, baby.
- What did you guys think
I was going to do there?
The point is you can watch
what you want when you want.
- I, the Robo-Mummy, am sold.
My final wish is to finish watching
"Chills Down Your Spine".
(magical twinkling)
- Oh, hell no.
I'm going to the play down the street.
Theater is way superior to film.
The director ruined this thing.
(sighs)
- That poor guy.
I know his wife is pissed.
- So consider this your only warning.
I don't wanna read any bitching
on the internet about how this movie
was too damn long.
Just be glad these idiots were thinking
about you for this intermission.
They literally planned it three days
before finalizing the film.
So relax, sit down, and kick back.
And I'll see you in a couple of years
for "Tingles Down Your Spine".
- Take our tickets.
"Return of the Robo-Mummy From Outer Space
"Part Seven" comes next.
- We'll see.
- Oh, that was messed up.
Nearly eaten by a cyclops.
What else could possibly go wrong?
- Let's hope his dad doesn't find out.
(Jeff sighs)
- He said I was on an odyssey.
What does that mean?
- Well, the road trips are representation
of the hero's journey.
You go out on some sort of adventure.
You face various trials along the way.
And in the end, you come out
with a reward of some kind.
- Then maybe Sabiah's my reward.
- Perhaps, the hero's journey
can be something small,
like going to the grocery store
and fighting some deplete
over the last bag of gummy bears.
Or it could take you to a cyclops
who wants to eat you.
You just never know.
- So then we're always on
a hero's journey of some kind.
Never thought of it like that.
(sighs)
All right, if we're on an odyssey,
and the next bad thing that happens
involves a storm, screw it,
I'm pulling over.
(Mahktoonah laughs)
- But you're the hero, Jeff.
You're supposed to face your challenges,
overcome them, and save the day!
- The best heroes are the smart heroes,
and the smart thing to do
is not let some angry Thunder God
hydroplane me to a goddamn tree.
We'll wait it out and be safe.
- Fine, how about another story then?
- Sure, you or me?
- You, got anything good?
- I have something that might be right up your alley.
- Nice.
(ominous music)
(sensual music)
(doorbell chimes)
- Oh, who could that be
at this late hour?
Martha?
- I haven't the faintest idea, darling.
- It's too late to be the pool boy.
- And it's too late to be your secretary.
- (laughs) Touche, darling.
Whoever it is, we mustn't keep
our mystery guest waiting.
(door clicks)
You?
(gun fires)
(thunder roars)
- Back soon, come in and make yourself at home.
Help yourself to the bar, free booze!
- [Troupe] Yay!
- [Doll] Bad taste.
(lively music)
(playful music)
(enchanting music)
- Uh, there's like nobody here.
Hello?
- What kind of weirdo lets a bunch
of strangers into his house
on a dark and stormy night?
- Probably the kind that pay for your videos.
- Alcohol identified, who wants to drink?
- [Troupe] Me.
- The guy who booked us said
he would pay us three times
the green you may last-
- I can see your eyes any day.
- Speaking of this guy, where is he?
Who is he?
- This place has a bad vibe to it.
We should get out of here.
- Oh, don't sweat it, E,
it's probably just a bunch of drunk, horny,
frat boys throwing their parents' money at us.
- Oh, speak for yourself, Rue.
(doll groans)
You're the only one who gets any attention
because every dick thinks you're gonna
jump their bones because they play Fortnite.
- [Doll] You know, I'm bigger than that bottle.
- You know, sexy nerd is in.
You should try it sometime, Scarlett.
- Maybe I will.
- Oh, hey, Wanda.
I must be hunting treasure,
'cause I'm digging your chest. (laughs)
- Seriously, darling,
I wonder about you sometimes.
(parrot squeals) Oh, my God.
- [Doll] I'll do bad things to your parrot.
- Pipe down, ladies.
We just need to be ready to go by eight.
- You don't have any idea
who this guy is that booked us?
- Nope, he wanted to remain anonymous.
(doll whistles)
- This place ain't right.
Something bad happened here.
(grandfather clock reverberates)
- [Doll] What the fuck?
- What?
(bored music)
(Rue grunts)
- Hey, Rue, wake up!
- Oh, oh, God, my head.
What happened?
- [Dolly] I don't know.
- What time is it?
- Did we do the show?
- Oh no, my head is really foggy.
- I don't remember anything either.
- You bitches believe me now?
- Did we fucking get roofie?
(parrot squawks)
- Where is Viola and Clementine?
(revealing music)
- Oh, my God!
I knew it.
(mysterious music)
- [Rue] Who is it?
- Will someone please walk me the fuck outta here?
- I agree with Glenda.
- That could be our friend under there.
- I can't look.
- Ooh.
(group gasps)
(playful music)
(parrot squeals)
- [Glenda] Oh look, a dead girl.
- That's right.
(magical plopping)
(group wails)
- Damn it, that bitch owed me money.
- Jesus, y'all gave me the creep of willies.
What are y'all screaming about?
- Ga. - Gu.
- Ga.
- Toast.
- Well?
- Well, what? She's dead.
- Oh God, I just realized something.
In ghost stories, ghosts don't know they're dead
until they realize their death.
- Has anyone seen a landline?
- It's dead. (doorbell chimes)
(thunder rumbles) (rain rattles)
- We're not getting anywhere in that.
- Maybe someone should go down
to the main road and wave down some help?
- I'll go.
- Ooh, here, take this.
- I'll go with her.
(mysterious music)
- Be careful.
(playful music)
(group wails)
- What is it?
- What's the last thing you two remember?
- What happened to us?
- You don't remember going out
into the rain to get help?
- Help for what?
- Should we tell them?
- Tell us what?
- You two are ghosts, tuts.
- What kinda joke are you guys tryin' to?
- Ah, crap.
- What?
- They're right, I remember.
(magical twinkling)
(brooding music)
Crazy night huh?
(gasps) Ooh.
(head thuds)
(playful music)
You mustard-murdered me.
- [Glenda] Mustard murdered, huh?
- Shikes, I'm dead too.
(magical plopping)
(revealing music)
- Nobody could tongue my ass like that one.
- One of us is the killer.
- You mean one of you is the killer.
- Well, it ain't me.
- Don't look at us, sweet cheeks.
- There's a bigger question here.
- Bigger than who killed Wanda,
Clementine, and Scarlett?
- He's right, the bigger question is-
- Are the rest of us, ghosts?
(thunder roars)
- Who didn't see that coming?
- [Glenda] Did someone fuck your brains out?
Or have you always been this stupid?
- We found Scarlett in the kitchen,
and Vonda in the living room,
no sign of Clementine.
- Maybe we should just take our chances
with the rain instead of walking upstairs
in a house with no power?
- Listen to the brains of the outfit.
- Glenda, pipe down.
We need to know who is dead and who isn't.
- Oh, why would one of us want to kill us?
- I don't, I can think of several reasons
to kill someone, if you want.
At least one to kill the rest.
I'm just saying.
- I gotta pee, I gotta pee.
Ghosts don't pee, do they?
- I think that's a bathroom.
Here, we'll wait for you.
(Rue pants)
(brooding music)
- Bugger.
- Oh God, which one of us, is it?
- Oh, double fuck.
(Glenda laughs)
Triple fuck the sprinkles.
(water tap squeaks)
(sensual music)
(screams)
(bubbles plop)
(magical plopping)
- Well, at least we know
she wasn't the killer.
(playful music)
Doesn't look like but a couple
of us may have made it.
- And one of them is the killer.
- Well, how do we do this?
- One at a time?
- I'll start?
(sheet rustles)
- [Glenda] So the hair is real,
but the tits are fake.
- Shikes.
Hello, where did everybody go?
(knife whooshes)
(ominous music)
- Who did it to you, Rye?
- I didn't see their face.
(magical plopping) (Rue sighs)
- We'll just never get used to that.
- I was betting hot dogs to donut
she was the killer.
(sighs)
I guess I'll go next.
(tense music)
One, two-
- Just lift the fucking sheet.
The suspense is killing me.
(Rue sighs)
(revealing music)
âª It's tequila time, tequila âª
- Oh hi, (laughs), best gig ever right?
- You said it, tuts.
- Ooh, that's nice, where'd you get that?
- I was hiding it up my ass at all time.
- Oh, neat trick, how'd you do that?
- Oh, that ain't the trick.
The trick is how I make her do this.
(gun fires)
- Well, I'll be...
- You killed them?
- You know, for playing the smart one,
you sure are stupid.
(laughs) We killed them.
- What the hell?
- Ooh, this is the part
where he gets to tell the story.
Tell the story, baby.
- You see, years ago after
an unfortunate accident involving her bitch
of a mother, Dolly's twatwaffle,
fart blossom of a father had her
locked away in a loony bin.
That's when she took all 3 1/2 splinted
inches of me right in the ass.
And after nine years,
since the bastard let us out,
we got married that very day.
When I realized she was
the heir of this place, (sighs)
and all that money, oh,
I started plotting, yeah.
- Oh God, this is, this is crazy.
- We have to kill pops,
but we have to make it look like
someone else had done the killing.
So we called Viola,
and hired the troupe to perform tonight.
We had to make it look like one of you
had done all the killing. (giggles)
You're gonna be the patsy, you see.
That's why we only drugged you.
- We knew that cum-gargling
whore Scarlett was gonna go after the alcohol.
We just didn't anticipate all the fucking ghosts.
- Right? Who could've seen that coming?
- Yeah.
- What an incredible twist.
- I got one more twist for both of ya.
- What do you mean?
- Dolly, cock sleeve.
Now, that we're married,
if you die, I get the whole kit and caboodle.
- You wouldn't.
(Glenda laughs) (mind-control music)
I loved you.
- I faked it. (gun fires)
(revealing music)
- Oh God, oh my God, oh my God.
- She never had much in the brain's department.
And now, there's even less. (laughs)
- Wait, why did you do this?
She, she loved you.
- I know you thought about it,
you, me, going with the grain,
rubbing my wood, bust these brains, baby.
- I am not into tiny splitter dicks,
you fucking piece of firewood.
- You bet!
Ah, you stupid twatwaffle,
you dumb fluoride, dumb whore.
I gotta shove my pole up your ass.
You die, you shit oracles.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
(Glenda's spine cracks)
- (gasps) What the fuck?
(sighs)
(Glenda laughs)
- [Glenda] Cunnilingus.
- Wow, didn't expect that.
- See, not a single drop.
Skies are crystal clear.
What I tell you about the smart heroes?
Things are finally starting to look up.
(car engine revs)
(thunder roars)
(car tires screech)
(car thuds)
- Oh, oh wow!
I did not expect that
from the God of the sea.
- Stupid motherfucking idiot, fucking genie,
doesn't know how to drink out
of a fucking water bottle.
It's pretty fucking simple.
You put the bottle up to your lips,
you tilt your head back,
you fucking swallow the water,
but I get the fucking idiot genie
that can't accomplish a piece of fucking task!
We need a tow truck.
Give me a freebie wish.
- I'm not allowed to do that.
- Then this hero's journey ends right now.
- Calm your tits.
I know a guy with a tow truck.
- Really, who?
- I'll walk.
- Oh, hey, maybe that car will help.
(car engine whirs)
- We're not going far,
but we can drop you at the next town.
- [Jeff] Thank you very much.
- Oh, no problem.
It's lucky we drove by when we did.
I can't imagine being stuck out here
in the middle of nowhere.
Do you mind if I ask why um?
- Oh, I'm sorry, you'll have
to excuse my friend here.
It's a long story.
- (laughs) No bother.
I love a good pair.
In fact, it's one of my favorite things
about my wife being pregnant.
Oh, those luscious breasts I get to suck on.
Oh, you know, it's a cure
for pink eye, breast milk.
And I find it's one hell of an aphrodisiac.
I mean, when her milk lets down,
I'm hard as a diamond.
- It's true, he is.
Sometimes I think it's the only
reason we keep trying.
(husband and wife laugh)
(husband and wife sigh)
- So you guys have kids?
- Sometimes.
(wife munches)
- How about you?
- Kids? With her?
No, no, oh hell, no.
- I can't have kids.
- Oh, that's (munches).
That's really too bad.
Kids are amazing.
- Yeah.
- We just love ours to death.
(laughs) - They're terrific.
Until they start causing trouble. (sighs)
(wife laughs)
You know, hmm.
- And you know, we keep trying like fools.
(husband and wife laugh)
(groans)
- Honey, what's wrong?
- Oh, it kicked me.
(punch thuds)
Again!
- God damn it,
the little shit doesn't respect you.
We try and we try.
Why won't you listen?
- I am done with this.
I can't do it anymore.
I am so sick of my kids
not listening to me!
Oh, oh, God.
I really am a terrible mother, oh.
- Honey, I'm, I'm sorry I yelled.
Listen, when we get home,
I'll take care of it.
And then as soon as I'm done,
I'll fry you up a nice steak.
You like that?
- Hmm, really?
- Of course, your happiness
is my number one priority.
It'll be just like we're eating filet mignon.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
- Even I think this is fucked up.
- Sabiah told me a story about these two.
It is time to get out of this car.
Hey, drop us off up there?
- Of course.
Are you sure I can't give you a ride into town?
- [Jeff] No, thanks, we're good.
Enjoy your child.
(wife laughs)
(punch thuds) (wife groans)
- We will.
- So if all of these stories actually happened...
- Of course, a story can't be told
that hasn't happened
in the past, present, or future.
- So you're saying we're living
in a documentary then?
- That's an interesting philofo-point you just made.
I hadn't thought of that.
(mystical music)
- You're past my time.
Think that's how I pay.
But it's about that time.
The ritual is complain!
- Wait, you liked that last story?
I have another one.
- I don't know.
This anthology's already way
longer than that first one.
- Trust me, you're gonna love this one.
It's right up your alley.
- What's it about?
- It's a surprise.
It goes like this.
- When painting the female form,
pay close attention to the portions
from hips to waist.
Grip the brush firmly, press lightly.
The proper technique comes from emotion.
Sensuality, all right,
that's it for today, everybody.
On Wednesday, we'll continue
painting the female form.
Be sure to grab some refreshments
on your way out.
- Hey, man boobs, over here.
- His name's Billy.
- Whatever, man boobs.
You think our model over here
is into chicks are dudes?
- Don't.
Don't talk about her like that.
- See, be respectful, man.
- All of you, stay away from her.
She's mine.
- Whoa there, Columbine.
Being a bit aggressive, don't you think?
And besides, I don't think you've got a shot
unless she's into Lurch from "The Addams Family".
- If I hear you talk that way about her again,
(sighs) I'll kill you.
- Okay, let's just ease down a bit.
- This is all good, Sasquatch.
No harm, no foul.
- I'm sorry, it was just a joke.
- Well, what a psycho. (laughs)
Looks like you've got some competition, bro.
(mesmerizing music)
- (sighs) That's it for today, everybody.
On Friday, we'll be focusing
on objects surrounding the female form.
So brush up on your still live.
- Had fun?
- Yeah, I can't paint hair.
- Yeah, well, from the looks of it,
you can't draw boobs either,
or arms, or legs, or faces.
- Hey. (lady laughs)
- I'm just kidding, calm down.
- I don't know, maybe I'm not
cut out for this artist thing.
- Well, you know, practice does make perfect.
- Yeah, good point.
- Fine that, so what?
No Tim today or?
- Hmm, no, maybe his wife finally had enough
and chopped his balls off.
- Well, won't that just be a blessing
to women everywhere?
Well, he's gonna be super pissed.
I'll tell you why.
I'm about to go ask her out.
- Seriously?
- The worst she can say is no, right?
- Yeah, absolutely, good luck.
- Thanks, see you later.
- Go out sometime, eat some chicken fingers
for a good time.
- Oh.
(ominous music)
Is it okay if I go find you?
- Exactly, that's cool.
- All right. - I'll call you.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
(brush snaps)
(chair clacks)
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, um, don't you hate it
when that happens?
- I didn't get any on you, did I?
- No, not at all.
Here, take another one.
- Oh, thanks. (chuckles)
- So what's your name?
- Ah, John, sorry.
- Genoa, nice to meet you.
- Genoa, that's an interesting name.
- Oh yeah, it's Hawaiian.
When my mom gave birth to me,
she fell off the side of the bed
and hit her knee,
so it means knee in Hawaiian.
- Oh. - I guess she thought
it was a sign or something.
- Well, it's a beautiful name,
even if you are probably bad luck.
(Genoa and John chuckle)
Sorry, I haven't had a chance to catch
you after class to say hello.
- I see you and your friends
hang out after class.
I mean, I probably should have stopped by,
but it's a little bit awkward
since you've all seen my breasts.
(John slurps)
Sorry, that was just to break the ice.
- No, no, no, no, it's fine.
It's, I just, I wasn't expecting that.
- Here.
- Thanks. - Sure.
So can I see it?
- See what?
- Your painting of me?
- Oh, oh, you know, it's,
it's not quite ready yet.
- Oh, come on, let me see it.
- I'm not very good.
- Please.
- You really don't know
how to draw women, do you?
- No, that's exactly
what my friend, Abigail, said.
- Oh, she's the one who saw me the other day.
- Yeah, she didn't show up for class today.
Maybe she was too embarrassed to come back.
- She was so sweet,
but you know what?
That happens more often than you'd think.
I guess it comes with the territory.
- Hey, would you like to get coffee sometime?
Like, like real coffee,
like in an actual coffee shop,
or something that is if you're not,
if you're not seeing somebody already.
- Sure, how about Monday night after class?
- That's great, yeah, I'll be there.
Yes.
(tense music)
(canvas tears)
(pencil scratches)
(door pounds) (doorbell chimes)
(door clicks)
Billy, what are you doing here?
- I told you to stay away from her.
- Look, I don't know
what your problem is with me.
And how did you find out
where I live? - She's mine.
Do you understand me?
- Did you say something to Tim and Abigail?
- Nobody understands.
I'm the only one that gets her.
I see her in the paintings, blood everywhere.
It's the blood.
Blood is key to the female form.
Blood is life, life is art.
The only way I can create
is to use the blood.
- Billy, who are you talking to?
- I'm gonna say this for the last time.
Stay away from her,
or you'll be sorry.
Understand me?
(John pants)
(lighthearted music)
(couple moan)
- Oh, oh, wow.
That's, that's pretty rough. (sighs)
I'm exhausted. (laughs)
- Oh, it gets the blood running.
- Oh, I'm not complaining.
Just have to give me a second
to recharge if you want that again.
(pants)
- John, I gotta freshen up.
Try not to move too much.
- Sure. (pants)
(light switch clicks)
(perplexed music)
I didn't know that you're a painter.
- Took me a long time before I got to a point
where I was any good.
I almost gave up.
But you know what they say about your dreams?
You don't have to be good at them,
as long as they make you happy.
And it took me even longer
to figure out the key to making it all work.
The key is the pigment.
It's the pigment that needs to be sensual.
It's the pigment that needs
to be imbued with emotions.
(door creaks)
The shade of red, the hue of life.
And you can only get it from one place.
(knife whooshes)
(blood gushes)
Problem is getting the blood hot enough,
like a fondue.
(John groans)
Hmm, perfect temperature.
Be still, you'll be my best work yet.
(laughs)
- To accurately portray the male form,
one must use the brush
as an extension of oneself.
The female form was one of softness.
The male, hardness.
Do not overthink the brush.
The male form is primal, lust, rage, strength.
These are the characteristics of the male form.
(brooding music)
Genoa, that's incredible.
The color is eye-popping.
I've never seen such
an exhilarating shade of red before.
Wherever did you come across it?
- I mixed it up with an artist
I used to model for.
(magical twinkling)
(mysterious music)
- Beautiful place you have here.
- I know, cheese?
- Yes, please.
(moans)
- So did the storm pass you by as well?
- Oh yes, not a drop.
Just one really loud thunder crack.
He's compensating, big talk over in two seconds.
Trust me, I know.
- He?
- (chuckles) So tell me.
So rare that I receive visitors.
What's a strapping young man like yourself
doing on my doorstep?
- We're looking for a friend.
- Oh?
- The cheese is delicious.
- Have some wine, dear.
- Cheese, Jeff?
- Ah, yeah.
So do you happen to have a car we can borrow?
How did you know my name is Jeff?
- Oh, I know everything.
And yes, I do have a car.
But trust me, you'd be much better off
staying here, I think.
- I don't, I don't feel so good.
(smoke hisses)
(magical twinkling)
- Mahktoonah!
- Don't move.
You don't need Sabiah to be happy.
- Excuse me?
- Look around, I have a beautiful home,
a fortune in the bank.
All of this could be yours, including me.
All I want is a man to love me
and stay with me, forever.
- You have something on your face.
(face squeaks)
- What?
(wand clacks)
- Could you stop doing that?
- Oh, I don't understand.
No man can resist me.
What kind of sorcery is this?
Why aren't you blindly following my commands?
- Probably because this!
(sorceress wails)
(magical sizzling)
(magical twinkling)
(pig-form Mahktoonah oinks)
Shit, I'm gonna have to use a wish here.
Gotta be careful how I word this.
I wish that Mahktoonah was not a pig anymore.
(disappointing music)
Are you fucking serious?
That's been wished before? Fuck.
Okay, take two.
I wish that Mahktoonah was exactly
how she was immediately before she ate
the hor cheese.
(magical twinkling)
- Holy cow or pig, holy pig!
Did you know that pig city
entire world in terms of bacon?
- Really?
- It was like you were just sitting there
looking like a giant slab of bacon.
I just wanted to lick and bite you all over.
- Don't worry, you'll get your chance.
- What?
- Nothing, so we have to get to the Oracle.
This horny dead cheese bitch
said she has a car.
Let's go check it out.
- Let's do it.
(knife scrapes)
(dramatic music)
- Wait, I wanna hear one final story.
(psycho killer groans)
- You've wasted enough time.
- Please, just one more.
You're so good at telling stories.
- Fine, but this is the last one.
- For sure.
(dramatic music)
(woman groans)
- Are you wondering how a girl like me
ended up in a situation like this,
shot and running from a bounty hunter?
Well, sit back and relax
because I have one hell of a story to tell.
(machine gun rattles)
Look, Brigid.
I just need a little bit
more time to get the money.
- Nora, dear, you are wonderfully talented,
the best in fact.
And if you had your head on straight,
you could be sitting behind this desk
instead of in front of it.
- Please, I can get it by tonight.
I'll just-
- You'll just what?
Skim more off the top?
Take more of what is mine?
I let you exist because I can.
All I have to do is glance up at her,
and she will spend the next minute
slicing through that pretty little neck of yours
until it's separated from your body.
And then, you know what I'll do?
I'll have it mounted right up there.
So that the next thief
who feels like they deserve more
than the life that I allow them to have
will think twice before their predilection
for games of chance gets the better of them.
Step away.
You know Veronica Payne, correct?
- The congresswoman's wife?
I've heard of her, yeah.
- She has an object of great value that I want,
and you are going to get it for me.
- She's government, protected at all times
by an army of Secret Service.
Anything she has will be impossible
to find, let alone, get.
This is way beyond a bank robbery.
- Nora, give yourself more credit.
I'm sure you'll figure something out.
It'll be in a box in her bedroom.
You have two weeks.
- How will I know what I'm looking for?
- Oh, you'll know it when you see it.
Upon completion of this job,
I will consider ourselves even,
and we'll go our separate ways.
However, if you fail, well,
I supposed I'll be seeing you every day.
(Nora pants)
- I would have preferred to have
my throat slit right then and there.
Oh shit. (machine gun fires)
But I'm a thief, the best.
I took it as a personal challenge.
(machine gun rattles)
(gun fires)
- This is impossible, even for you.
- I agree, but Mal, if I don't
do something, anything, I'm dead.
You're lucky you're talking to me right now.
- Breaking into the house
is out of the question?
- They have security for their security.
Ground sensors to detect motion,
laser trip wires around the entire perimeter,
and at least 30 armed guards
who always have sight lines with one another.
Even if I were to somehow figure out
a way to get past all of that,
I can't prepare for that in two weeks.
There's just not enough time.
- Then you have to get out of here.
Pack a bag and run.
Go somewhere where she can't find you.
- You know I don't run.
- What are you gonna do?
- The only way I'm getting into that house
is if I go through the front door.
- No, no, you can't be serious.
- Mal, I know how I'm getting out of this.
Grab some coffee,
we've got a long night of planning ahead of us.
(gun fires) (dramatic music)
I was caught in a whirlpool,
struggling to keep my head above the black water.
(gun fires)
(gun clicks)
(nostalgic music)
- So what makes you think
you're qualified for this job?
- Well, Mrs. Payne, I have always admired you
and really believe in the ideals that you
and your wife stand for.
- Is that so?
- And I am adept at making phone calls,
scheduling meetings, and the like.
For a time, I was a secretary
at Abbott Private Investigations.
- I don't care about your experience
answering phones or how adept
you are with taking notes.
I can find any woman to do those trivialities.
After all, you wouldn't
have gotten all dolled up
if all you wanted to be
was my personal assistant.
- Yes, Mrs. Payne.
- So you know what the job entails then?
You've heard the whispers, the rumors?
- I have.
- And you're not afraid?
- To be honest, it's exactly
what I've been looking for.
- It's a dangerous world, Nora.
But if you think you can handle it,
be at my place Monday night at seven.
Don't be late.
- Of course, I had heard the stories.
Veronica Payne,
a serial murderer. (punches thud)
And maybe a demon.
Once I heard a homeless guy
saying he saw her turn into a wild beast.
People would see girls go inside her mansion
and never be seen again.
- Are you sure this is what you came here for?
- Yes.
- Then shut the door.
(perplexed music)
(door clicks)
- It was only later on
that I'd come to find out exactly
what made Veronica Payne so dangerous.
What created all those whispers
in the night of dead girls
and the corruption of power,
they never should have shut that door.
(chest clicks)
(sighs) (dramatic music)
Mallory!
- Nora, watch out!
(gun fires)
(bounty hunter thuds)
- Impeccable timing, Mal.
- Oh, my God, you've been shot.
- I've had worse.
- Funny.
(dramatic music)
Er, time to go.
(Nora groans)
- I had what I needed.
The only thing left was to return
to Brigid to settle my debts.
(nostalgic music)
(Brigid gulps)
- I assume you got it.
I never doubted you could.
You always are the best.
- What is it?
- Power.
- Who did this to you?
- (chuckles) You know.
But she'll come for you now.
I'm sure she will soon.
- No, she won't.
At least you'll be one less problem.
(Brigid laughs)
- You think, you think
you're safe from me? (laughs)
- Brigid had hired Lilith to take me out.
That was her insurance policy,
and I would have been had you not shown up.
- But how did Veronica know
that Brigid was involved?
And what did you find in the box?
Nora, it's healed, what happened?
- Veronica showed me what
she has shown so many others.
- Nora, what is she doing here?
What is this?
- Nora belongs to me now.
As I do for all my girls,
I like to be there for their first kill.
- What did she do to you?
- I improved her.
- Mal, you have no idea what's coming.
You don't wanna be here when it happens.
This is better for you.
- Please.
- Do it, Nora.
(Nora growls)
(Mallory wails)
(neck squelches) (Nora growls)
- Please tell me we're close.
- We should be there soon.
Oh, but we've got time for one more story.
- (sighs) Okay, but make it a good one.
So far, they've all fit together pretty neatly.
Almost like they're part of a greater mythology.
- Oh, so you're ready for the final story?
âª Hit me baby one more time âª
- Wish to take that joke back.
- They can't all be winners.
(magical twinkling)
(brooding music)
(light tubes clink)
- I must confess, I'm a fan.
Abigail, your work breathes
with the raw intensity
unlike anything I've seen in years.
- Thank you, Mr. Randolph.
Coming from you, that means everything.
- Oh, it's also come to my attention
that your little troupe has lost its funding,
along with that tiny theater of yours.
- Asshole rented it out from underneath us.
- Perhaps that's where I can be of service.
Now, as you know,
I am a patron of the arts.
One with a boundary-pushing taste,
such as your works. (chuckles)
Tell me, are you working
on something at the moment?
- Um, yeah, I'm in the middle of something new.
Just needs to get polished,
and we can start rehearsals.
(phone rings)
(phone handle clicks)
(brooding music)
(pencil scratches)
- Shit.
(paper scrunches)
(relaxing music)
- I can see the new place coming along well.
- I'm bankrupt up here.
But I had to tell him something, didn't I?
The troupe is depending on me.
- Not everything has to be some incredible
new groundbreaking piece of originality.
Lots of people enjoy mediocrity.
(hands slap)
- Mr. Randolph isn't paying for mediocrity.
Maybe I just need a new muse.
- So that's how it's gonna be, huh.
(chest rustles)
- What are you doing?
- Desperate times and all.
- No, no way.
- Come on, Abby.
Your father wouldn't mind.
I'm sure he's got something in here
that'll get those sexy brain juices flowing.
- Audrey, I'm not gonna steal my father's ideas.
It's bad enough I've lived my whole life
underneath his shadow,
especially after what happened.
Besides, I lost the key.
- There is no key.
(bewildering music)
(paper rustles)
Holy shit.
This is it, isn't it?
The surviving copy.
- Careful, I'm not sure
if he wrote it because he was insane
or if writing it drove him insane.
- Abby, we have to do this.
- Even if I wanted to do it,
there's no third act, it burned up.
- You could write a third act.
I bet you could piece it together with his notes.
Put your own spin on it.
You won't be stealing from your father,
you'd be collaborating with him.
- I've spent my whole life running from this.
It's why I changed my name.
- Babe, when you run from something,
you don't lug it around with you
from city to city.
(phone vibrates)
Who is it?
- Mr. Randolph, he found a space,
wants to know when we can start rehearsals.
What are we gonna do?
(chest clicks)
(motivational music)
(typewriter clatters)
(typewriter chimes)
(typewriter clatters)
- How's it coming?
- I'm almost there.
I just need to keep going.
- How about a little pick me up?
(Abigail gasps)
Abby!
Are you okay?
- I'm fine, it's just,
I guess the pressure is just getting to me.
I just need some sleep.
(gasps)
- What's wrong?
- It's I'm just so tired.
I can't see straight.
- I'll make some coffee.
(footsteps clop)
- I mean it's not Carnegie Hall,
but I've played worse.
- Hey Morgan, you forgot the drill for the props.
- Oh yeah, I was busy, sorry.
- First, the bad news.
I told Mr. Randolph,
we'd be ready for curtain up
in a little over a week.
That means we have a lot of work to do.
The good news is I think
he's going to be impressed.
I'll be playing the artist.
Audrey will be playing the whisperer.
Morgan, you'll be playing the witness.
Charles, the bard.
And Lavinia, the sacrifice.
- Is this for real?
Are you for real?
This can't be for real.
(driller whirs)
(brooding music)
- I can't believe that Abby's father
is Dashiell Pickman.
- You keep saying that like I'm supposed
to know who that is.
- He's infamous, I mean,
he came up in the '70s in New York,
the "Avant Garde" scene.
I saw him in a picture with David Bowie.
I mean, he hung out with Warhol
and his crew, that's amazing.
- That's pretty cool, I guess.
- He joined a doomsday cult.
He studied witchcraft, black magic.
They say he put esoteric
incantations in his dialogue.
This play, the one that we're doing right now,
it has got some really bad mojo with it.
(driller whirs)
- I just don't get it.
So the third act is some kind of ritual.
- It's more than that.
- It's a bunch of gibberish shit
that it's not even part of our dictionary.
- Just say the damn lines.
- I don't just say fucking lines.
Unlike you, I'm an actor.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- There are two types of ians.
While you may be a lesbian,
you are no thespian.
- Stop, look, we have five days
to get this right, just five days.
So stop acting like a couple of divas
and do the fucking work.
(plug clicks)
(brooding music)
- Pretty good.
- You see, the first and only time
they did this play, when the curtain went down,
the entire cast disappeared, vanished.
No one has ever heard from them since.
And Pickman, Abby's dad,
they found him the next day in his hotel room,
and his body was ripped to shreds.
(ritual music)
(troupe chants in foreign language)
(ominous music)
(knife sucks)
(air whooshes)
(perplexed music)
- Where'd she go, Audrey?
- Where did everyone go?
- Is this a part of the play?
- What the fuck is that?
- What?
(forehead eye squelches)
- I'm getting the hell outta here.
- What's his problem?
(ominous music)
(moon crackles)
- What happened to the moon?
What happened to it?
- Is he tripping?
- We need to go back inside.
- Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?
- Come on.
- But who are they?
(perplexed music)
- Run.
(creature growls)
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- What the fuck is going on?
(creature growls)
There's nothing there.
(tense music)
(driller whirs)
(Morgan wails)
- Come on, Charles, we need to go!
- Go?
But they're calling to us.
Did you ever think madness
could sound so beautiful?
- Charles.
(ax sucks)
(Abigail screams)
Audrey, what is going on?
- Letting out what is trapped within the flesh.
Behold her truth.
We applaud you, Abigail.
You and your truth have managed
what your father cannot.
He only poked a tiny hole in the cosmos.
You have patched humanities
into higher existence
into a liminal state.
Now, thanks to you,
mankind will be forced to face
the truth of their existence.
Now, let's behold the truth in your flesh.
(Abigail wails) (tense music)
(walking cane clacks)
- Where'd they go?
- I don't know, that was weird, right?
Gave me a headache.
(tense music)
What?
(airplane engine whirs)
(explosion blasts)
(siren blares)
(creature growls)
- And then the entire world died screaming.
(screams)
Well, what'd you think?
- Well, your stories are way better
than your sister's.
Of course, this is where the Oracle resides.
I mean, why wouldn't it be?
- How do you know if she's a she?
Maybe she's a he or he's a she.
Not up to me, you see.
I have to be "I Dream of Jeannie".
- You realize this is just a farmhouse
with a sign in the yard, right?
Should we knock?
(door clicks)
- No need, you're right on time.
- I, we're here to...
- I know, you want to know the location of Sabiah
and how to save her?
- Wow, she really can see the future.
(door thuds)
- Go ahead and select a card.
Just one though.
- To what end?
- If you want to know Sabiah's location,
select a card.
- (sighs) Whatever.
(card rustles)
Seriously?
- She said it wouldn't take long.
(card rustles)
- Come on, you need to pick your weapon.
- My weapon?
- (gasps) Cool beans, every year,
I'll get some magical weapon on a journey
that they used to vanquish the enemy.
This is so exciting!
- Follow me into my bedroom.
- Better well steer off that one.
(adventurous music)
(Mahktoonah gasps)
- Holy guacamole.
- I can pick anything?
- The first item in this room that you touch
will be the weapon of your choosing.
So don't fuck it up!
This sword actually killed Emperor Situ
in 1492 BC in China.
(enchanting music)
- (gasps) Ooh, this looks comfy.
- The decision has been made.
- Wait, what?
Mahktoonah, what did you?
(air whooshes)
(Mahktoonah snores)
(Mahktoonah whimpers)
(chains clank)
(psycho killer whimpers)
- Sabiah, oh, geez.
That looks like it hurts.
- Here goes nothing.
(psycho killer thuds)
- What the hell are you two doing here?
- We came to rescue you.
(psycho killer whimpers)
(psycho killer groans)
- (gasps) What did you do to yourself?
- You wouldn't believe the wishes
I've had to deal with.
- Do I need to talk to mom?
- You know what, little sis,
I don't need to answer to you or mom.
You think just 'cause your
perky little tits came in,
that you're gonna be a better genie than me?
- Honestly, I don't know
what Jeff sees in you.
Maybe he'd be better off with me.
- You little whore!
- I'm a whore?
Everyone knows what you did
with the Sultan of Agba.
(moans)
- You bitch!
(slaps crack)
(Mahktoonah gasps)
(dramatic music)
- Oh, yeah!
(genies groan)
Come back here.
- No, no one likes you.
Give me all those slap back.
(whimpers)
(punch thuds)
- Oh, shit!
(kick thuds)
(psycho killer groans)
(dildo whooshes)
(dildo thuds)
- No, my face!
I'm a monster! (groans)
- Mahktoonah, your pillow!
- I'm gonna fucking kill you guys!
(pillow plops)
(groans)
You hit me with a pillow?
A fucking pillow?
We're gonna go to your house
and have a fucking sleepover?
- You brought a pillow to a knife fight?
- (sighs) It's a long story.
Doesn't look like it quite worked in our favor.
- Some rescue.
- It's the thought that counts.
You know I went through 30 microwaved pizzas
before I realized you weren't coming back.
- I think I love you.
- Jeff, you still have one wish left.
(psycho killer coughs)
- Ah, this is a damn pillow.
I'm fucking deathly allergic to geese.
(retches) Oh, you fucking dick.
(groans)
- It's a goose cow pillow, motherfucker.
Suck down those particles.
Oh, wait, you can't,
because your airways are constricting.
Oh, I'm the hero.
I'm the goddamn hero!
- I may be dying, but I (retches).
I might be dying but I still have my last wish.
I wish you have the whole world
swallowed into a darkness that consumes it,
and everybody dies a horrible death.
Oh, God! (groans)
(psycho killer thuds)
- Granted.
(magical twinkling)
- No.
(mucus plops)
- He just doomed the entire world!
- Why would you grant that wish?
- Nobody's actually ever wished for that before?
- Are you fucking serious?
No one's ever wished
for the end of the goddamn world.
- Why waste a wish on something
that's already that fucked up?
- So what's gonna happen now?
- A future with a lot of bad movies.
- Jeff, you can still stop this madness.
You still have your final wish.
You can save everyone, the whole world!
- (sighs) Sabiah, I've waited for this moment
for almost three days since you disappeared
from my living room.
I've gone on this journey
just to find you and get that third wish,
so I can spend all of eternity
having amazing sexual escapades with you.
- And me, I want in on that too.
- I don't think so, slut.
- There's enough of me for everyone.
I feel it's only right that I show both of you
every pleasure that an earthly man can give.
- Jeff, what are you saying?
The world is going to die.
There will be no need for jizz anymore.
You will literally cause the end of everything.
- That's true but you know what they say?
You either die hero
or live long enough to see yourself
become a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus!
- Or that.
- YOLO, bro.
Mahktoonah, I wish to be a genie!
- Done!
(magical twinkling)
âª Oh, let the night lights go out too âª
âª While the daylight breaks in too âª
âª 100 microscopes to do âª
âª 1,000 pictures all into âª
âª Once the watch kits turn around âª
âª Well, I could track all that down âª
âª Like we're nothing here at home âª
âª Like there's nothing here but home âª
âª Well, don't you wanna be close âª
âª Again, don't you wanna be well âª
âª When you use the microscope âª
âª Another microscope âª
âª You know everything and I know the rest âª
âª Change everyday, I just haven't yet âª
âª It's a little hard to learn âª
âª When every books had burned âª
âª But you are never worth âª
âª More than what you were âª
âª Well, let the okay feel brand new âª
âª And every suspect shimmering through âª
âª So as sunlight breaks through âª
âª There will still be shade with you âª
âª In case you wanna be close âª
âª Again, and if you wanna be ill âª
âª When you look too close âª
âª With the microscope âª
âª Well, don't you wanna be close âª
âª Again, and if you wanna be ill âª
âª When you're not too close âª
âª With the microscope âª
(grand orchestral music)
(uplifting rock music)
(grand orchestral music)
(gong reverberates)
(mystical music)
(Mahktoonah puffs)