WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.000 [upbeat rock music] 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:15.000 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:17.000 --> 00:00:18.179 - And now, join me 6 00:00:18.219 --> 00:00:18.980 in welcoming 7 00:00:19.020 --> 00:00:20.980 the author of six number one 8 00:00:21.020 --> 00:00:21.902 "New York Times" 9 00:00:21.942 --> 00:00:22.980 best-selling books, 10 00:00:23.020 --> 00:00:23.980 the star of "Chelsea," 11 00:00:24.020 --> 00:00:24.920 "Chelsea Does," 12 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:25.980 "Chelsea Lately," 13 00:00:26.020 --> 00:00:27.085 and "Hello, Privilege. 14 00:00:27.125 --> 00:00:28.205 It's Me, Chelsea." 15 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:30.780 Please put your hands together 16 00:00:30.820 --> 00:00:31.980 for Chelsea Handler. 17 00:00:32.020 --> 00:00:34.980 d 18 00:00:35.020 --> 00:00:41.980 ♪ ♪ 19 00:00:42.020 --> 00:00:42.708 - Yeah! 20 00:00:42.748 --> 00:00:44.980 What's up, New Jersey? 21 00:00:45.020 --> 00:00:46.980 [cheering] 22 00:00:47.020 --> 00:00:48.050 Oh, I'm so happy 23 00:00:48.090 --> 00:00:50.000 you came out tonight with me. 24 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:52.240 Look at this beautiful 25 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:52.980 train station 26 00:00:53.020 --> 00:00:55.980 built in 1889 for immigrants. 27 00:00:56.020 --> 00:00:58.980 Remember when that was cool? 28 00:00:59.020 --> 00:01:00.107 I decided to wear white 29 00:01:00.147 --> 00:01:00.980 tonight, you guys, 30 00:01:01.020 --> 00:01:04.000 'cause I'm expecting my period. 31 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:09.680 Uh, before we get started... 32 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:11.013 Hi, hi, ladies. 33 00:01:11.053 --> 00:01:11.980 Hi, everybody. 34 00:01:12.020 --> 00:01:15.000 So nice to be out, isn't it? 35 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:20.980 Before we get started, I wanna 36 00:01:21.020 --> 00:01:22.980 make a serious announcement... 37 00:01:23.020 --> 00:01:24.011 to my husband, 38 00:01:24.051 --> 00:01:25.980 if he happens to be sitting 39 00:01:26.020 --> 00:01:27.980 in this audience tonight. 40 00:01:28.020 --> 00:01:29.980 My future husband, sorry. 41 00:01:30.020 --> 00:01:31.559 I wanna dedicate this show 42 00:01:31.599 --> 00:01:31.980 to him. 43 00:01:32.020 --> 00:01:33.122 But there seems to be 44 00:01:33.162 --> 00:01:33.980 a misconception, 45 00:01:34.020 --> 00:01:34.786 and I get this 46 00:01:34.826 --> 00:01:35.980 a lot from white men. 47 00:01:36.020 --> 00:01:37.062 Oh, there--here's a Black man 48 00:01:37.102 --> 00:01:37.980 and a white man together. 49 00:01:38.020 --> 00:01:38.670 Perfect. 50 00:01:38.710 --> 00:01:40.980 Let's talk to you together. 51 00:01:41.020 --> 00:01:42.049 There seems to be 52 00:01:42.089 --> 00:01:42.980 a misconception 53 00:01:43.020 --> 00:01:45.980 that I only date Black men. 54 00:01:46.020 --> 00:01:47.256 So I wanna use 55 00:01:47.296 --> 00:01:49.980 this opportunity to make a PSA 56 00:01:50.020 --> 00:01:51.067 for white men 57 00:01:51.107 --> 00:01:52.980 who are scared of women 58 00:01:53.020 --> 00:01:57.000 who have dated Black guys. 59 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:02.000 Beavers retract. 60 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:09.980 They don't just stay open. 61 00:02:10.020 --> 00:02:13.000 They go back to simpler times. 62 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:20.735 I went through 63 00:02:20.775 --> 00:02:21.980 a really difficult time 64 00:02:22.020 --> 00:02:24.488 about three or four years ago-- 65 00:02:24.528 --> 00:02:26.980 whenever the last election was. 66 00:02:27.020 --> 00:02:28.433 I couldn't believe that we 67 00:02:28.473 --> 00:02:29.980 elected that fucking baboon! 68 00:02:30.020 --> 00:02:31.980 I couldn't believe it. 69 00:02:32.020 --> 00:02:33.444 And when you live in 70 00:02:33.484 --> 00:02:34.980 Los Angeles, as I do, 71 00:02:35.020 --> 00:02:36.206 when you're going through 72 00:02:36.246 --> 00:02:36.980 a difficult time 73 00:02:37.020 --> 00:02:37.758 and you have 74 00:02:37.798 --> 00:02:38.980 high levels of rage 75 00:02:39.020 --> 00:02:40.207 or outrage or anger, 76 00:02:40.247 --> 00:02:41.980 however you want to frame it, 77 00:02:42.020 --> 00:02:43.980 people wanna talk to you. 78 00:02:44.020 --> 00:02:47.986 And they wanna use words 79 00:02:48.026 --> 00:02:50.980 like "manifest"... 80 00:02:51.020 --> 00:02:53.980 and "gratitude"... 81 00:02:54.020 --> 00:02:56.980 and "kale." 82 00:02:57.020 --> 00:02:58.341 And I'm not into shit 83 00:02:58.381 --> 00:02:58.980 like that. 84 00:02:59.020 --> 00:02:59.743 I'm all for 85 00:02:59.783 --> 00:03:01.000 spiritual people-- 86 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:03.081 or spirituality, 87 00:03:03.121 --> 00:03:03.980 I should say. 88 00:03:04.020 --> 00:03:04.429 Spirituality 89 00:03:04.469 --> 00:03:04.980 is fine with me 90 00:03:05.020 --> 00:03:05.861 as a component 91 00:03:05.901 --> 00:03:07.000 of your lifestyle. 92 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:09.980 Sure, go for it. 93 00:03:10.020 --> 00:03:10.753 My problem with 94 00:03:10.793 --> 00:03:11.980 spiritual people is that 95 00:03:12.020 --> 00:03:14.662 spiritual people can sometimes 96 00:03:14.702 --> 00:03:17.000 be giant fucking assholes. 97 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:20.244 I feel spiritual 98 00:03:20.284 --> 00:03:21.980 when I'm on mushrooms. 99 00:03:22.020 --> 00:03:25.000 d 100 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:30.232 I'm not into rocks 101 00:03:30.272 --> 00:03:32.980 and stones and chakras 102 00:03:33.020 --> 00:03:36.980 or walking into Whole Foods, 103 00:03:37.020 --> 00:03:40.163 hearing phrases like 104 00:03:40.203 --> 00:03:43.980 "artisanal deodorant"... 105 00:03:44.020 --> 00:03:45.980 or "micro panic attack." 106 00:03:46.020 --> 00:03:48.483 It's like, fuck you! 107 00:03:48.523 --> 00:03:51.980 That's a micro panic attack. 108 00:03:52.020 --> 00:03:53.980 Los Angeles is a tricky place 109 00:03:54.020 --> 00:03:55.107 if you're going through 110 00:03:55.147 --> 00:03:55.980 a vulnerable time. 111 00:03:56.020 --> 00:03:57.580 And if you're not careful, 112 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:00.196 you could end up at one of 113 00:04:00.236 --> 00:04:01.980 those silent retreats 114 00:04:02.020 --> 00:04:05.980 in the woods of Topanga Canyon, 115 00:04:06.020 --> 00:04:08.330 finger blasting yourself 116 00:04:08.370 --> 00:04:10.000 all weekend long. 117 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.098 [voice breaking] 118 00:04:13.138 --> 00:04:14.980 That's what happened to me. 119 00:04:15.020 --> 00:04:17.117 I had a girlfriend who came 120 00:04:17.157 --> 00:04:17.980 to visit me 121 00:04:18.020 --> 00:04:19.441 from high school, 122 00:04:19.481 --> 00:04:21.000 from Nueva Jersey. 123 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:26.334 That's Spanish 124 00:04:26.374 --> 00:04:27.980 for "New Jersey." 125 00:04:28.020 --> 00:04:29.487 [laughs] 126 00:04:29.527 --> 00:04:31.000 De nada. 127 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:33.130 Any other questions 128 00:04:33.170 --> 00:04:34.010 about Spanish? 129 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:36.864 And she was hanging out 130 00:04:36.904 --> 00:04:37.980 with me for a couple of days, 131 00:04:38.020 --> 00:04:40.097 and after hanging out with her, 132 00:04:40.137 --> 00:04:40.980 I said, yeah, 133 00:04:41.020 --> 00:04:42.623 I would be willing to go 134 00:04:42.663 --> 00:04:44.000 to a silent retreat. 135 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:47.980 And we went. 136 00:04:48.020 --> 00:04:48.933 And it was exactly 137 00:04:48.973 --> 00:04:49.980 what I had imagined. 138 00:04:50.020 --> 00:04:51.527 It was in the woods 139 00:04:51.567 --> 00:04:52.980 of Topanga Canyon. 140 00:04:53.020 --> 00:04:54.698 And we get there and there's 141 00:04:54.738 --> 00:04:55.980 just girls everywhere 142 00:04:56.020 --> 00:04:58.980 and Lululemon everywhere. 143 00:04:59.020 --> 00:05:02.980 Leggings and deep stretching 144 00:05:03.020 --> 00:05:04.980 for no reason. 145 00:05:05.020 --> 00:05:05.757 A lot of 146 00:05:05.797 --> 00:05:07.980 room-temperature water. 147 00:05:08.020 --> 00:05:09.980 That annoys me. 148 00:05:10.020 --> 00:05:11.691 As if water could get 149 00:05:11.731 --> 00:05:12.980 any more boring, 150 00:05:13.020 --> 00:05:14.756 let's heat that shit up 151 00:05:14.796 --> 00:05:16.000 and hand it out. 152 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:18.831 And there were 153 00:05:18.871 --> 00:05:19.980 three veterinarians 154 00:05:20.020 --> 00:05:20.980 alone in a circle. 155 00:05:21.020 --> 00:05:22.073 I'm like, 156 00:05:22.113 --> 00:05:24.980 that's suspicious to me. 157 00:05:25.020 --> 00:05:26.623 I don't like to see vets 158 00:05:26.663 --> 00:05:27.980 out of office, okay. 159 00:05:28.020 --> 00:05:30.328 And not running in packs, 160 00:05:30.368 --> 00:05:30.980 either. 161 00:05:31.020 --> 00:05:32.980 I have a problem with vets. 162 00:05:33.020 --> 00:05:33.364 I respect, like, 163 00:05:33.404 --> 00:05:33.980 what they're trying to do. 164 00:05:34.020 --> 00:05:35.980 Like, the intention's nice. 165 00:05:36.020 --> 00:05:36.670 Oh, you wanna 166 00:05:36.710 --> 00:05:37.980 work with animals, great. 167 00:05:38.020 --> 00:05:38.980 They're just too vague. 168 00:05:39.020 --> 00:05:40.749 All of their answers 169 00:05:40.789 --> 00:05:41.980 are too vague. 170 00:05:42.020 --> 00:05:42.552 I've had too many 171 00:05:42.592 --> 00:05:42.980 rescue dogs-- 172 00:05:43.020 --> 00:05:44.005 I've had seven or eight-- 173 00:05:44.045 --> 00:05:44.980 and I've brought them in 174 00:05:45.020 --> 00:05:46.458 every single time 175 00:05:46.498 --> 00:05:48.980 to find out how old they are. 176 00:05:49.020 --> 00:05:50.168 And no matter 177 00:05:50.208 --> 00:05:51.980 what vet I'm seeing, 178 00:05:52.020 --> 00:05:52.980 the answer is the same. 179 00:05:53.020 --> 00:05:56.231 "They're somewhere between 180 00:05:56.271 --> 00:05:59.000 the ages of 4 and 12." 181 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:03.980 What kind of answer is that? 182 00:06:04.020 --> 00:06:06.209 What kind of margin of error-- 183 00:06:06.249 --> 00:06:07.980 are you a doctor or not? 184 00:06:08.020 --> 00:06:09.814 You can tell--we know 185 00:06:09.854 --> 00:06:11.980 that kangaroos were alive 186 00:06:12.020 --> 00:06:13.980 on the island of Australia 187 00:06:14.020 --> 00:06:16.980 25 million years ago 188 00:06:17.020 --> 00:06:19.980 because of a half of a tooth. 189 00:06:20.020 --> 00:06:22.625 And you can't tell me how old 190 00:06:22.665 --> 00:06:24.980 this fuckin' chow chow is? 191 00:06:25.020 --> 00:06:26.399 I mean, honestly, 192 00:06:26.439 --> 00:06:28.000 go fuck yourselves. 193 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:31.601 So anyway, 194 00:06:31.641 --> 00:06:32.980 we're at this retreat, 195 00:06:33.020 --> 00:06:34.515 and I was already--you know, 196 00:06:34.555 --> 00:06:35.980 I already have the attitude 197 00:06:36.020 --> 00:06:36.980 that I'm not into this stuff, 198 00:06:37.020 --> 00:06:37.955 but I was trying 199 00:06:37.995 --> 00:06:38.980 to be open-minded 200 00:06:39.020 --> 00:06:40.159 because of the level 201 00:06:40.199 --> 00:06:40.980 of my outrage. 202 00:06:41.020 --> 00:06:42.717 So then I heard that there was 203 00:06:42.757 --> 00:06:44.077 gonna be a sound bath. 204 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:46.980 I didn't know--in the woods. 205 00:06:47.020 --> 00:06:47.724 I didn't know 206 00:06:47.764 --> 00:06:48.980 what a sound bath was. 207 00:06:49.020 --> 00:06:50.093 I thought, oh, 208 00:06:50.133 --> 00:06:52.000 DJs will shower with us. 209 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:57.980 And we go up to the woods 210 00:06:58.020 --> 00:06:58.768 and there's 211 00:06:58.808 --> 00:06:59.980 more stretching-- 212 00:07:00.020 --> 00:07:00.881 you know, 213 00:07:00.921 --> 00:07:02.980 camel toe everywhere. 214 00:07:03.020 --> 00:07:04.980 So annoying. 215 00:07:05.020 --> 00:07:06.122 Kale chips--I'm like, 216 00:07:06.162 --> 00:07:07.122 it's 85 degrees. 217 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:08.732 Who wants to 218 00:07:08.772 --> 00:07:10.000 suck on a kale chip? 219 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:11.921 And then I saw a ukulele. 220 00:07:11.961 --> 00:07:12.980 I'm like, oh, no, you don't. 221 00:07:13.020 --> 00:07:13.933 Okay, I know that is 222 00:07:13.973 --> 00:07:14.980 gonna end up somewhere 223 00:07:15.020 --> 00:07:17.000 that I'm not gonna like, okay. 224 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:20.095 This is g--classic, classic 225 00:07:20.135 --> 00:07:22.000 finger blasting setting. 226 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:24.480 Fool me once, 227 00:07:24.520 --> 00:07:25.980 shame on you. 228 00:07:26.020 --> 00:07:27.224 Fool me twice, 229 00:07:27.264 --> 00:07:29.000 shame on my Pikachu. 230 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:32.705 So I walked out, 231 00:07:32.745 --> 00:07:33.980 and I found some other girl. 232 00:07:34.020 --> 00:07:35.988 I left the woods and I'm like, 233 00:07:36.028 --> 00:07:37.980 "Hey, you, what's--what's up?" 234 00:07:38.020 --> 00:07:40.980 Who's got drugs?" 235 00:07:41.020 --> 00:07:42.188 And she's like, "W-well, 236 00:07:42.228 --> 00:07:42.980 we're having a-- 237 00:07:43.020 --> 00:07:44.248 "we're having a ceremony 238 00:07:44.288 --> 00:07:44.980 tomorrow night 239 00:07:45.020 --> 00:07:46.980 "with--with toad venom, 240 00:07:47.020 --> 00:07:50.000 And it's called 5-DME-OT." 241 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:52.150 And I was like, "Okay, well, 242 00:07:52.190 --> 00:07:52.980 I'll take mine now." 243 00:07:53.020 --> 00:07:56.000 [laughter] 244 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:00.980 Let's party. 245 00:08:01.020 --> 00:08:02.209 And she said, "It's not really 246 00:08:02.249 --> 00:08:02.980 that kind of drug." 247 00:08:03.020 --> 00:08:03.678 I'm like, "Listen, bitch, 248 00:08:03.718 --> 00:08:03.980 I'll decide 249 00:08:04.020 --> 00:08:06.980 what kind of drug this is." 250 00:08:07.020 --> 00:08:08.201 Now, I understand 251 00:08:08.241 --> 00:08:09.980 some people are not built 252 00:08:10.020 --> 00:08:11.057 for drugs and alcohol, 253 00:08:11.097 --> 00:08:11.980 and I respect that. 254 00:08:12.020 --> 00:08:13.188 I don't ever want to get 255 00:08:13.228 --> 00:08:13.980 anybody involved 256 00:08:14.020 --> 00:08:15.008 with drugs and alcohol 257 00:08:15.048 --> 00:08:15.980 that can't handle it, 258 00:08:16.020 --> 00:08:18.980 but I believe that I am. 259 00:08:19.020 --> 00:08:20.582 I believe that I'm built 260 00:08:20.622 --> 00:08:21.980 for the apocalypse... 261 00:08:22.020 --> 00:08:25.000 which, by the way, we're in. 262 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:26.980 I've done every drug. 263 00:08:27.020 --> 00:08:28.018 I've experimented 264 00:08:28.058 --> 00:08:28.980 with everything. 265 00:08:29.020 --> 00:08:30.428 Unless there's a new drug 266 00:08:30.468 --> 00:08:31.980 that came out this morning, 267 00:08:32.020 --> 00:08:34.000 I've tried it. 268 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:35.980 I did a special on Netflix. 269 00:08:36.020 --> 00:08:37.039 I went down to Peru 270 00:08:37.079 --> 00:08:38.099 and did ayahuasca 271 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:40.980 on camera with a shaman, 272 00:08:41.020 --> 00:08:41.738 and they said, 273 00:08:41.778 --> 00:08:42.980 "No, you can't do that. 274 00:08:43.020 --> 00:08:44.395 People vomit 275 00:08:44.435 --> 00:08:46.980 and shit their pants." 276 00:08:47.020 --> 00:08:49.980 I was like, "I won't. 277 00:08:50.020 --> 00:08:51.395 I won't do that. 278 00:08:51.435 --> 00:08:53.000 I'm too advanced." 279 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:55.446 I'm like, "You think I'm gonna 280 00:08:55.486 --> 00:08:55.980 ruin a buzz 281 00:08:56.020 --> 00:08:56.980 "by defecating on myself? 282 00:08:57.020 --> 00:09:00.151 Never is that going 283 00:09:00.191 --> 00:09:01.980 to happen." 284 00:09:02.020 --> 00:09:03.792 I took my SATs 285 00:09:03.832 --> 00:09:05.980 tripping on acid. 286 00:09:06.020 --> 00:09:06.980 I didn't get into college, 287 00:09:07.020 --> 00:09:09.246 but I had a great time 288 00:09:09.286 --> 00:09:11.000 taking that test. 289 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:18.800 And I've never had a bad time. 290 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:19.843 Like, you know somebody-- 291 00:09:19.883 --> 00:09:19.980 oh-- 292 00:09:20.020 --> 00:09:21.412 everybody always has 293 00:09:21.452 --> 00:09:22.980 a bad time with drugs. 294 00:09:23.020 --> 00:09:23.929 There's always a girl in 295 00:09:23.969 --> 00:09:25.589 the corner for eight hours, 296 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:27.980 like... [gibbers] 297 00:09:28.020 --> 00:09:28.980 That's never me. 298 00:09:29.020 --> 00:09:30.605 Okay, I've had never 299 00:09:30.645 --> 00:09:31.980 a bad experience. 300 00:09:32.020 --> 00:09:33.117 Nothing that I would frame 301 00:09:33.157 --> 00:09:33.980 as negative, anyway. 302 00:09:34.020 --> 00:09:36.676 The one time--one time, I had 303 00:09:36.716 --> 00:09:38.980 a questionable experience 304 00:09:39.020 --> 00:09:40.174 was when cannabis-- 305 00:09:40.214 --> 00:09:41.980 this was, like, 15 years ago, 306 00:09:42.020 --> 00:09:42.867 before cannabis 307 00:09:42.907 --> 00:09:43.980 was the way it was, 308 00:09:44.020 --> 00:09:47.980 before there were labels. 309 00:09:48.020 --> 00:09:49.404 And a man had given me 310 00:09:49.444 --> 00:09:49.980 a cookie. 311 00:09:50.020 --> 00:09:51.980 And I ate that cookie. 312 00:09:52.020 --> 00:09:53.985 And I thought I was 313 00:09:54.025 --> 00:09:55.980 at a movie theater. 314 00:09:56.020 --> 00:09:58.019 And when the movie ended, I got 315 00:09:58.059 --> 00:09:59.980 up to leave the movie theater, 316 00:10:00.020 --> 00:10:01.716 only to find out 317 00:10:01.756 --> 00:10:04.000 I was on an airplane. 318 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:09.980 That was shocking. 319 00:10:10.020 --> 00:10:11.980 'Cause I didn't just get up; 320 00:10:12.020 --> 00:10:15.980 I got my shit together. 321 00:10:16.020 --> 00:10:16.834 I got my coat, 322 00:10:16.874 --> 00:10:17.980 and it had a belt-- 323 00:10:18.020 --> 00:10:19.980 it must have been winter. 324 00:10:20.020 --> 00:10:21.420 And then I got my bag 325 00:10:21.460 --> 00:10:22.980 out of the overhead bin 326 00:10:23.020 --> 00:10:25.527 and pulled it down as if that's 327 00:10:25.567 --> 00:10:27.980 how you leave a movie theater. 328 00:10:28.020 --> 00:10:28.592 It never occurred to me 329 00:10:28.632 --> 00:10:28.980 this isn't what 330 00:10:29.020 --> 00:10:29.769 you've ever done 331 00:10:29.809 --> 00:10:31.309 leaving a theater before. 332 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:32.980 I just--it was rote. 333 00:10:33.020 --> 00:10:33.291 I was like, 334 00:10:33.331 --> 00:10:33.980 "Oh, I better get my bag. 335 00:10:34.020 --> 00:10:35.980 I better get my things." 336 00:10:36.020 --> 00:10:38.980 And then I was like, yeah. 337 00:10:39.020 --> 00:10:39.720 Up the aisle to-- 338 00:10:39.760 --> 00:10:40.980 straight to the little window 339 00:10:41.020 --> 00:10:42.145 that you look out 340 00:10:42.185 --> 00:10:43.980 if you're trying to escape. 341 00:10:44.020 --> 00:10:44.798 And I'm looking at 342 00:10:44.838 --> 00:10:45.980 the other passengers like, 343 00:10:46.020 --> 00:10:47.360 what are these idiots 344 00:10:47.400 --> 00:10:49.000 waiting for, the credits? 345 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:52.793 I was staring out 346 00:10:52.833 --> 00:10:54.333 that little bagel window, 347 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:55.980 you know, like, wha-- 348 00:10:56.020 --> 00:10:57.820 and then I feel tap, tap, tap. 349 00:10:58.000 --> 00:10:58.862 And I turn around, and 350 00:10:58.902 --> 00:11:00.582 the flight attendant's like, 351 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:03.087 "Sweetie, there are three more 352 00:11:03.127 --> 00:11:05.000 hours left on this flight." 353 00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:09.500 And I was like, "I know." 354 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:11.780 I was like, "I'm going 355 00:11:11.820 --> 00:11:13.980 to the bathroom to change." 356 00:11:14.020 --> 00:11:14.673 Just layered on my lies. 357 00:11:14.713 --> 00:11:14.980 I was like, 358 00:11:15.020 --> 00:11:16.144 "Hoo, yum-- 359 00:11:16.184 --> 00:11:18.980 you're not gonna shame me." 360 00:11:19.020 --> 00:11:20.127 And then I walked up 361 00:11:20.167 --> 00:11:21.067 to the bathroom 362 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:24.000 and shoved my suitcase inside. 363 00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:25.767 Apparently not only 364 00:11:25.807 --> 00:11:26.980 was I not at a movie theater, 365 00:11:27.020 --> 00:11:28.292 I had never flown 366 00:11:28.332 --> 00:11:29.980 on an airplane before, 367 00:11:30.020 --> 00:11:31.141 and knowing that you can't 368 00:11:31.181 --> 00:11:31.980 bring your suitcase 369 00:11:32.020 --> 00:11:33.320 into that little 370 00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:34.980 urine-soaked wet box 371 00:11:35.020 --> 00:11:37.773 and change your outfit, 372 00:11:37.813 --> 00:11:38.980 but I did. 373 00:11:39.020 --> 00:11:40.039 I put on a tube top 374 00:11:40.079 --> 00:11:40.980 to prove a point. 375 00:11:41.020 --> 00:11:42.892 And I walked back out 376 00:11:42.932 --> 00:11:44.980 with my head held high. 377 00:11:45.020 --> 00:11:45.612 I was like, 378 00:11:45.652 --> 00:11:46.980 do not make eye contact! 379 00:11:47.020 --> 00:11:50.000 You are a queen! 380 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:57.910 I sat back down in my seat, 381 00:11:57.950 --> 00:11:58.980 and I was like, 382 00:11:59.020 --> 00:12:00.980 "Hmm, what's next?" 383 00:12:01.020 --> 00:12:02.261 It's like, this is like 384 00:12:02.301 --> 00:12:02.980 an adventure. 385 00:12:03.020 --> 00:12:06.980 I wonder where I'm going. 386 00:12:07.020 --> 00:12:08.801 And who's gonna pick me up 387 00:12:08.841 --> 00:12:09.980 when I get there? 388 00:12:10.020 --> 00:12:11.942 And then I put in another 389 00:12:11.982 --> 00:12:13.980 movie, and I watched that. 390 00:12:14.020 --> 00:12:14.628 And when that ended, 391 00:12:14.668 --> 00:12:14.980 I was like, 392 00:12:15.020 --> 00:12:16.980 "Do not get up, bitch." 393 00:12:17.020 --> 00:12:17.980 It's like, "Do not get up." 394 00:12:18.020 --> 00:12:18.431 And then I wrote 395 00:12:18.471 --> 00:12:19.671 on a piece of paper, 396 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:23.000 "You are on a plane." 397 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:27.303 It's not like you can look over 398 00:12:27.343 --> 00:12:27.980 at your neighbor 399 00:12:28.020 --> 00:12:30.980 and be like, "Hey... 400 00:12:31.020 --> 00:12:32.444 speaking of nothing, 401 00:12:32.484 --> 00:12:34.000 where are we headed?" 402 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:38.165 Anyway, so, that was the worst 403 00:12:38.205 --> 00:12:39.980 experience I've ever had, 404 00:12:40.020 --> 00:12:41.277 and I would frame that 405 00:12:41.317 --> 00:12:41.980 as a B-plus. 406 00:12:42.020 --> 00:12:43.224 So I'm back at the retreat 407 00:12:43.264 --> 00:12:43.980 and this woman-- 408 00:12:44.020 --> 00:12:46.062 I don't remember her name, 409 00:12:46.102 --> 00:12:47.980 who had the toad venom-- 410 00:12:48.020 --> 00:12:51.000 um, we'll call her Sierra Mist. 411 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:53.980 So she and I are walking down 412 00:12:54.020 --> 00:12:55.404 to this, like, cottage 413 00:12:55.444 --> 00:12:55.980 to do it, 414 00:12:56.020 --> 00:12:56.825 and then this other 415 00:12:56.865 --> 00:12:57.980 dipsy doodle comes running 416 00:12:58.020 --> 00:12:58.517 out of the bushes 417 00:12:58.557 --> 00:12:58.980 and she's like, 418 00:12:59.020 --> 00:13:00.980 "Are you guys getting high?" 419 00:13:01.020 --> 00:13:02.980 I'm like, "Back the fuck up." 420 00:13:03.020 --> 00:13:03.670 First of all, 421 00:13:03.710 --> 00:13:04.980 I don't like interlopers, 422 00:13:05.020 --> 00:13:06.980 you know what I mean? 423 00:13:07.020 --> 00:13:07.614 I don't wanna do drugs 424 00:13:07.654 --> 00:13:07.980 with somebody 425 00:13:08.020 --> 00:13:08.980 if it's their first time. 426 00:13:09.020 --> 00:13:10.631 I don't have time 427 00:13:10.671 --> 00:13:11.980 for that shit. 428 00:13:12.020 --> 00:13:13.210 And a lot of people 429 00:13:13.250 --> 00:13:13.980 depend on me 430 00:13:14.020 --> 00:13:15.456 because I'm kind of like 431 00:13:15.496 --> 00:13:16.980 a pharmacological intuit. 432 00:13:17.020 --> 00:13:17.880 Like, I could look 433 00:13:17.920 --> 00:13:19.240 at you and say, "Okay, 434 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:20.680 "you're gonna thrive on 435 00:13:20.720 --> 00:13:20.980 this drug, 436 00:13:21.020 --> 00:13:21.989 "you're gonna do 437 00:13:22.029 --> 00:13:22.980 better on Xanax, 438 00:13:23.020 --> 00:13:23.980 "you might prefer a Vicodin, 439 00:13:24.020 --> 00:13:25.980 you might like an Adderall." 440 00:13:26.020 --> 00:13:26.803 Like, I can tell 441 00:13:26.843 --> 00:13:27.980 by looking at your body 442 00:13:28.020 --> 00:13:28.515 and talking to you 443 00:13:28.555 --> 00:13:28.980 for five minutes 444 00:13:29.020 --> 00:13:30.852 what drug you are going 445 00:13:30.892 --> 00:13:32.000 to respond to. 446 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:33.922 Don't talk to me about 447 00:13:33.962 --> 00:13:34.980 melatonin either, people. 448 00:13:35.020 --> 00:13:36.980 Okay? 449 00:13:37.020 --> 00:13:39.980 Melatonin is for beginners. 450 00:13:40.020 --> 00:13:40.405 Talk to me after 451 00:13:40.445 --> 00:13:41.765 you've taken an Ambien 452 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:42.695 and woken up at 453 00:13:42.735 --> 00:13:43.980 a Harrah's blackjack table, 454 00:13:44.020 --> 00:13:44.497 $500 up, 455 00:13:44.537 --> 00:13:45.980 with your eyeshades on. 456 00:13:46.020 --> 00:13:47.457 Then you can talk to me 457 00:13:47.497 --> 00:13:49.000 about fuckin' melatonin. 458 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:54.496 So a lot of people know this 459 00:13:54.536 --> 00:13:54.980 about me. 460 00:13:55.020 --> 00:13:56.020 Like, my sister, 461 00:13:56.060 --> 00:13:56.980 she had trouble 462 00:13:57.020 --> 00:13:58.290 making speeches at work, 463 00:13:58.330 --> 00:13:59.980 'cause she would get dry mouth. 464 00:14:00.020 --> 00:14:01.828 So I prescribed her 465 00:14:01.868 --> 00:14:02.980 propranolol. 466 00:14:03.020 --> 00:14:04.980 That's a beta blocker. 467 00:14:05.020 --> 00:14:06.515 I said, "Take one 30 minutes 468 00:14:06.555 --> 00:14:07.980 before you speak publicly." 469 00:14:08.020 --> 00:14:11.000 She's been promoted twice. 470 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:17.980 She called me. 471 00:14:18.020 --> 00:14:18.980 She's like, "Thank God we have 472 00:14:19.020 --> 00:14:20.980 a doctor in the family." 473 00:14:21.020 --> 00:14:22.980 Magnesium O7 by Aerobic Life 474 00:14:23.020 --> 00:14:24.065 for women who have trouble 475 00:14:24.105 --> 00:14:24.980 going to the bathroom. 476 00:14:25.020 --> 00:14:25.980 A lot of women have trouble 477 00:14:26.020 --> 00:14:26.665 going to the bathroom 478 00:14:26.705 --> 00:14:26.980 every day. 479 00:14:27.020 --> 00:14:28.389 If you take three of those 480 00:14:28.429 --> 00:14:28.980 every night 481 00:14:29.020 --> 00:14:30.081 for three nights, 482 00:14:30.121 --> 00:14:30.980 you would have 483 00:14:31.020 --> 00:14:31.744 solid shidoobees 484 00:14:31.784 --> 00:14:32.980 for the rest of your life. 485 00:14:33.020 --> 00:14:33.854 If you take four, 486 00:14:33.894 --> 00:14:34.980 you will get diarrhea. 487 00:14:35.020 --> 00:14:35.986 Some girls like that. 488 00:14:36.026 --> 00:14:36.980 If you do, take four. 489 00:14:37.020 --> 00:14:38.980 You'll get it. 490 00:14:39.020 --> 00:14:40.987 Doxycycline will kill anything 491 00:14:41.027 --> 00:14:41.980 in your system. 492 00:14:42.020 --> 00:14:44.980 I mean, acne and malaria. 493 00:14:45.020 --> 00:14:46.083 Two doxycycline 494 00:14:46.123 --> 00:14:47.980 twice a day for ten days-- 495 00:14:48.020 --> 00:14:48.980 never on an empty stomach. 496 00:14:49.020 --> 00:14:50.980 You'll vomit, okay? 497 00:14:51.020 --> 00:14:52.057 It will knock anything 498 00:14:52.097 --> 00:14:52.980 out of your system. 499 00:14:53.020 --> 00:14:54.487 I take one every morning 500 00:14:54.527 --> 00:14:56.000 just not to fuck around. 501 00:14:58.000 --> 00:14:58.980 But I looked at this girl, 502 00:14:59.020 --> 00:15:00.909 this other 7UP Light girl 503 00:15:00.949 --> 00:15:02.980 that came out of the woods, 504 00:15:03.020 --> 00:15:03.989 and I could tell 505 00:15:04.029 --> 00:15:04.980 by her body type 506 00:15:05.020 --> 00:15:06.559 that I didn't want her 507 00:15:06.599 --> 00:15:07.980 to rain on my party. 508 00:15:08.020 --> 00:15:09.433 And a lot of people think, 509 00:15:09.473 --> 00:15:10.980 oh, heavier or taller people 510 00:15:11.020 --> 00:15:11.586 can handle 511 00:15:11.626 --> 00:15:12.980 more drugs and alcohol. 512 00:15:13.020 --> 00:15:14.980 That is not true either. 513 00:15:15.020 --> 00:15:15.535 It's those skinny 514 00:15:15.575 --> 00:15:15.980 little bitches 515 00:15:16.020 --> 00:15:18.980 you have to watch out for, 516 00:15:19.020 --> 00:15:19.468 the ones who can 517 00:15:19.508 --> 00:15:19.980 do coke all night 518 00:15:20.020 --> 00:15:20.836 and then take one of 519 00:15:20.876 --> 00:15:21.980 those Lime scooters to work 520 00:15:22.020 --> 00:15:22.980 in the morning. 521 00:15:23.020 --> 00:15:25.980 [laughter] 522 00:15:26.020 --> 00:15:27.018 So I ixnayed her. 523 00:15:27.058 --> 00:15:27.980 I said, "Listen, 524 00:15:28.020 --> 00:15:29.514 I'm gonna do this, sweetie, 525 00:15:29.554 --> 00:15:30.980 and I'll get back to you." 526 00:15:31.020 --> 00:15:32.580 So I go down with Sierra, 527 00:15:32.620 --> 00:15:33.980 we go to this cottage, 528 00:15:34.020 --> 00:15:34.953 and she's like, 529 00:15:34.993 --> 00:15:35.980 "Okay, you know, 530 00:15:36.020 --> 00:15:37.186 this is gonna be 531 00:15:37.226 --> 00:15:38.980 about 10 or 12 minutes." 532 00:15:39.020 --> 00:15:40.980 And I'm like, "Huh? What?" 533 00:15:41.020 --> 00:15:42.085 Like, "That's not fun, 534 00:15:42.125 --> 00:15:42.980 10 or 12 minutes." 535 00:15:43.020 --> 00:15:43.753 And she's like, 536 00:15:43.793 --> 00:15:44.980 "Well, if you can han--" 537 00:15:45.020 --> 00:15:45.545 I go, "Just give me 538 00:15:45.585 --> 00:15:45.980 a double dose." 539 00:15:46.020 --> 00:15:47.161 And she said, "No, 540 00:15:47.201 --> 00:15:48.980 why don't you try it first?" 541 00:15:49.020 --> 00:15:49.275 She says, 542 00:15:49.315 --> 00:15:50.635 "It's transcendental," 543 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:51.980 is the word that she used. 544 00:15:52.020 --> 00:15:54.980 So I was already bored. 545 00:15:55.020 --> 00:15:56.084 And then she said, 546 00:15:56.124 --> 00:15:57.980 "You need to set an intention." 547 00:15:58.020 --> 00:15:58.647 I was like... 548 00:15:58.687 --> 00:15:59.980 [chuckles] "I don't care." 549 00:16:00.020 --> 00:16:01.027 You know, "Why don't you 550 00:16:01.067 --> 00:16:01.980 set one for me, okay?" 551 00:16:02.020 --> 00:16:02.750 And she said, 552 00:16:02.790 --> 00:16:03.980 "You need to set it." 553 00:16:04.020 --> 00:16:04.713 I'm like, 554 00:16:04.753 --> 00:16:06.980 "To be less of a cunt, okay? 555 00:16:07.020 --> 00:16:07.980 "Is that an intention? 556 00:16:08.020 --> 00:16:09.792 'Cause I would 557 00:16:09.832 --> 00:16:11.980 like to do that." 558 00:16:12.020 --> 00:16:12.455 So I take a hit, 559 00:16:12.495 --> 00:16:12.980 and it's in, like, 560 00:16:13.020 --> 00:16:15.484 a little crack pipe, 561 00:16:15.524 --> 00:16:16.980 or whatever. 562 00:16:17.020 --> 00:16:17.892 I take a hit, 563 00:16:17.932 --> 00:16:19.980 and it's immediately terrible. 564 00:16:20.020 --> 00:16:21.760 Like, the most terrible thi-- 565 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:23.206 dark, swirly greens 566 00:16:23.246 --> 00:16:23.980 and purples. 567 00:16:24.020 --> 00:16:24.931 It was like I was 568 00:16:24.971 --> 00:16:25.980 on a roller coaster 569 00:16:26.020 --> 00:16:27.098 and my head was in a vice 570 00:16:27.138 --> 00:16:27.980 and I couldn't move. 571 00:16:28.020 --> 00:16:29.422 And then I open my eye; 572 00:16:29.462 --> 00:16:29.980 I'm like, 573 00:16:30.020 --> 00:16:30.699 "Oh, fuck. 574 00:16:30.739 --> 00:16:31.980 She's still here." 575 00:16:32.020 --> 00:16:32.929 I was like, "Mm, 576 00:16:32.969 --> 00:16:33.980 I don't like this, 577 00:16:34.020 --> 00:16:34.545 I don't like this," 578 00:16:34.585 --> 00:16:35.485 and I was like, 579 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:36.980 "Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're-- 580 00:16:37.020 --> 00:16:38.980 "you're gonna pass away today. 581 00:16:39.020 --> 00:16:39.340 Oh, that's 582 00:16:39.380 --> 00:16:39.980 what's happening." 583 00:16:40.020 --> 00:16:40.798 And then I'm like, 584 00:16:40.838 --> 00:16:41.980 "No, don't be so dramatic. 585 00:16:42.020 --> 00:16:42.966 "You're not gonna pass away. 586 00:16:43.006 --> 00:16:43.980 You've received brain damage, 587 00:16:44.020 --> 00:16:44.771 "but you're already 588 00:16:44.811 --> 00:16:45.980 a little bit on the spectrum, 589 00:16:46.020 --> 00:16:47.980 so don't even worry, like"-- 590 00:16:48.020 --> 00:16:49.256 not that people on the spectrum 591 00:16:49.296 --> 00:16:49.980 have brain damage, 592 00:16:50.020 --> 00:16:51.987 but I definitely have it, 593 00:16:52.027 --> 00:16:53.980 and I'm on some spectrum. 594 00:16:54.020 --> 00:16:55.063 So I'm sitting there, 595 00:16:55.103 --> 00:16:55.980 and I am sweating, 596 00:16:56.020 --> 00:16:57.072 like, just drenched 597 00:16:57.112 --> 00:16:58.072 in my own sweat. 598 00:16:59.000 --> 00:16:59.544 And so I'm ripping 599 00:16:59.584 --> 00:16:59.980 my clothes off 600 00:17:00.020 --> 00:17:01.283 and I'm hyperventilating 601 00:17:01.323 --> 00:17:01.980 and I'm like, 602 00:17:02.020 --> 00:17:02.536 "Oh, don't say anything, 603 00:17:02.576 --> 00:17:02.980 don't say anything." 604 00:17:03.020 --> 00:17:04.171 And when I couldn't 605 00:17:04.211 --> 00:17:04.980 wait anymore, 606 00:17:05.020 --> 00:17:05.263 I was like, 607 00:17:05.303 --> 00:17:06.983 "You have to make this stop. 608 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:08.980 I'm in a matrix." 609 00:17:09.020 --> 00:17:09.642 And she puts her hand 610 00:17:09.682 --> 00:17:09.980 on my chest 611 00:17:10.020 --> 00:17:11.861 in between my naked boobs 612 00:17:11.901 --> 00:17:12.980 and she's like, 613 00:17:13.020 --> 00:17:15.920 "It's okay. 614 00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:16.980 Shh. 615 00:17:17.020 --> 00:17:17.881 You're in 616 00:17:17.921 --> 00:17:19.980 a parallel universe." 617 00:17:20.020 --> 00:17:20.850 I was like, "Bitch, 618 00:17:20.890 --> 00:17:21.980 I don't have any Bitcoin. 619 00:17:22.020 --> 00:17:24.000 Get me out of there." 620 00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:26.530 And finally, I started 621 00:17:26.570 --> 00:17:26.980 to come out of it, 622 00:17:27.020 --> 00:17:29.064 and I was so, first of all, 623 00:17:29.104 --> 00:17:29.980 embarrassed, 624 00:17:30.020 --> 00:17:33.000 'cause I was nude... 625 00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:34.666 And that I had 626 00:17:34.706 --> 00:17:35.980 just lost complete control. 627 00:17:36.020 --> 00:17:37.980 I was like, "Oh, my God." 628 00:17:38.020 --> 00:17:38.498 And I open my eyes 629 00:17:38.538 --> 00:17:39.558 and I look at her 630 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:41.480 and I look down at my body 631 00:17:41.520 --> 00:17:43.080 and I was completely nude. 632 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:44.636 And I had forgotten that, 633 00:17:44.676 --> 00:17:45.456 that morning, 634 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:46.980 I had put on nude underwear. 635 00:17:47.020 --> 00:17:49.430 So when I looked down, 636 00:17:49.470 --> 00:17:51.980 I just saw a bald bump. 637 00:17:52.020 --> 00:17:52.980 And I was like, 638 00:17:53.020 --> 00:17:56.980 "You shaved my beaver. 639 00:17:57.020 --> 00:17:58.810 I knew something like that 640 00:17:58.850 --> 00:18:01.000 was gonna happen this weekend." 641 00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:09.850 And then I had to 642 00:18:09.890 --> 00:18:10.980 get my stuff together, 643 00:18:11.020 --> 00:18:12.272 like with the walk of shame 644 00:18:12.312 --> 00:18:12.980 in the morning. 645 00:18:13.020 --> 00:18:14.980 Like, turning away from her 646 00:18:15.020 --> 00:18:16.261 when she's already seen 647 00:18:16.301 --> 00:18:16.980 my nude body. 648 00:18:17.020 --> 00:18:18.085 I'm, like, covering myself, 649 00:18:18.125 --> 00:18:18.980 picking up my clothes. 650 00:18:19.020 --> 00:18:21.385 And then I'm like, 651 00:18:21.425 --> 00:18:22.980 "Thank you." 652 00:18:23.020 --> 00:18:23.980 'Cause that's what girls do. 653 00:18:24.020 --> 00:18:24.980 We say thank you 654 00:18:25.020 --> 00:18:27.159 even when we've had 655 00:18:27.199 --> 00:18:29.000 a terrible time. 656 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:32.653 So I did it two more times, 657 00:18:32.693 --> 00:18:32.980 and I'm like, 658 00:18:33.020 --> 00:18:36.980 "I definitely don't like this." 659 00:18:37.020 --> 00:18:38.737 And then my curiosity 660 00:18:38.777 --> 00:18:40.980 had reached its conclusion. 661 00:18:41.020 --> 00:18:42.455 And I figured it was time 662 00:18:42.495 --> 00:18:43.980 to go to a real therapist. 663 00:18:44.020 --> 00:18:44.980 I needed to talk to somebody, 664 00:18:45.020 --> 00:18:46.404 but I was embarrassed that 665 00:18:46.444 --> 00:18:47.980 I needed to talk to somebody. 666 00:18:48.020 --> 00:18:49.336 I had seen doctors 667 00:18:49.376 --> 00:18:50.980 and therapists before, 668 00:18:51.020 --> 00:18:52.573 but never with the intention 669 00:18:52.613 --> 00:18:53.980 of, like, fixing anything 670 00:18:54.020 --> 00:18:55.980 that really ran deep, you know. 671 00:18:56.020 --> 00:18:57.766 I didn't have the mental 672 00:18:57.806 --> 00:18:59.980 equipment to let anyone see me 673 00:19:00.020 --> 00:19:00.446 for anything other 674 00:19:00.486 --> 00:19:00.980 than what I'd become, 675 00:19:01.020 --> 00:19:02.980 which was strong. 676 00:19:03.020 --> 00:19:03.980 And because of that strength, 677 00:19:04.020 --> 00:19:05.247 I wasn't about to sit 678 00:19:05.287 --> 00:19:06.980 in a doctor's office and cry. 679 00:19:07.020 --> 00:19:08.336 Crying for other people-- 680 00:19:08.376 --> 00:19:08.980 my friends-- 681 00:19:09.020 --> 00:19:09.980 about their problems, sure. 682 00:19:10.020 --> 00:19:11.257 But crying for myself 683 00:19:11.297 --> 00:19:12.017 about myself 684 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:14.217 was absolutely 685 00:19:14.257 --> 00:19:15.980 out of the question. 686 00:19:16.020 --> 00:19:16.769 So I sat down-- 687 00:19:16.809 --> 00:19:17.980 this guy's name is Dan, 688 00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:19.297 he's a psychiatrist-- 689 00:19:19.337 --> 00:19:19.980 and I said, 690 00:19:20.020 --> 00:19:20.849 "Hey, listen, I have 691 00:19:20.889 --> 00:19:21.980 a lot of anger and outrage 692 00:19:22.020 --> 00:19:22.933 "about Donald Trump, 693 00:19:22.973 --> 00:19:23.980 and people are running 694 00:19:24.020 --> 00:19:25.980 "when they see me coming. 695 00:19:26.020 --> 00:19:27.909 Like, I'm losing friends. 696 00:19:27.949 --> 00:19:30.000 I'm losing family members." 697 00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:31.549 And he said, 698 00:19:31.589 --> 00:19:32.980 "Okay, let's talk about that." 699 00:19:33.020 --> 00:19:35.172 I said, "Well, I travel a lot. 700 00:19:35.212 --> 00:19:36.980 So I'm in airports a lot. 701 00:19:37.020 --> 00:19:37.858 "And I check in to 702 00:19:37.898 --> 00:19:38.980 the first-class lounge, 703 00:19:39.020 --> 00:19:41.280 "and then I immediately go over 704 00:19:41.320 --> 00:19:42.980 to the Fox News section 705 00:19:43.020 --> 00:19:44.980 and start going off on people." 706 00:19:45.020 --> 00:19:46.980 I'm like, "You fuckin' racist!" 707 00:19:47.020 --> 00:19:47.980 And then I run out. 708 00:19:48.020 --> 00:19:49.195 And then I come back 709 00:19:49.235 --> 00:19:49.980 and I'm like, 710 00:19:50.020 --> 00:19:50.864 "Do you have a daughter 711 00:19:50.904 --> 00:19:51.980 that doesn't have any rights? 712 00:19:52.020 --> 00:19:53.980 'Cause she won't." 713 00:19:54.020 --> 00:19:54.706 And then I run back in; 714 00:19:54.746 --> 00:19:54.980 I'm like, 715 00:19:55.020 --> 00:19:57.000 "Are you still a racist?" 716 00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:04.625 And Dan is 717 00:20:04.665 --> 00:20:05.980 really understanding, 718 00:20:06.020 --> 00:20:07.320 and he's like, "Hey, it's 719 00:20:07.360 --> 00:20:08.980 a really tricky time right now. 720 00:20:09.020 --> 00:20:11.980 "Emotions are high. 721 00:20:12.020 --> 00:20:13.235 You know, a lot of people 722 00:20:13.275 --> 00:20:14.175 are enervated." 723 00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:16.048 And I said, "Dan, I went 724 00:20:16.088 --> 00:20:16.980 to the airport today, 725 00:20:17.020 --> 00:20:20.000 and I didn't have a flight." 726 00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:26.117 I told him that, you know, 727 00:20:26.157 --> 00:20:26.980 before the election, 728 00:20:27.020 --> 00:20:28.980 my biggest privileged decision 729 00:20:29.020 --> 00:20:30.737 was whether or not 730 00:20:30.777 --> 00:20:32.980 to install a waterslide 731 00:20:33.020 --> 00:20:35.013 off of my bedroom balcony 732 00:20:35.053 --> 00:20:35.980 into my pool 733 00:20:36.020 --> 00:20:37.145 for the next time 734 00:20:37.185 --> 00:20:39.000 my friends and I did molly. 735 00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:43.831 And then I told him, 736 00:20:43.871 --> 00:20:44.980 the day after the election, 737 00:20:45.020 --> 00:20:45.858 I'm driving around 738 00:20:45.898 --> 00:20:46.980 the streets of Bel Air, 739 00:20:47.020 --> 00:20:47.670 where I live, 740 00:20:47.710 --> 00:20:49.210 passing out water bottles 741 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:51.480 and blankets to the Mexican 742 00:20:51.520 --> 00:20:52.980 workers in my neighborhood, 743 00:20:53.020 --> 00:20:55.980 going, "You belong here!" 744 00:20:56.020 --> 00:20:57.083 And them looking at me like, 745 00:20:57.123 --> 00:20:57.980 "We're not all illegal, 746 00:20:58.020 --> 00:21:02.000 you racist bitch." 747 00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:12.980 Cheers. 748 00:21:13.020 --> 00:21:14.310 I told him I had read this book 749 00:21:14.350 --> 00:21:14.980 by Viktor Frankl 750 00:21:15.020 --> 00:21:15.529 called 751 00:21:15.569 --> 00:21:17.980 "Man's Search for Meaning," 752 00:21:18.020 --> 00:21:18.953 and in the book 753 00:21:18.993 --> 00:21:19.980 there was a line 754 00:21:20.020 --> 00:21:20.980 that made me put the book down. 755 00:21:21.020 --> 00:21:22.980 And the line said, 756 00:21:23.020 --> 00:21:23.795 "Stop thinking about 757 00:21:23.835 --> 00:21:24.980 "what you expect out of life, 758 00:21:25.020 --> 00:21:27.653 and start thinking about 759 00:21:27.693 --> 00:21:30.980 what life expects out of you." 760 00:21:31.020 --> 00:21:32.980 And I was like, "Wait, what?" 761 00:21:33.020 --> 00:21:34.008 I'd never thought about what 762 00:21:34.048 --> 00:21:34.980 life was expecting from me. 763 00:21:35.020 --> 00:21:36.444 I was thinking about 764 00:21:36.484 --> 00:21:37.980 what I was gonna get, 765 00:21:38.020 --> 00:21:40.012 always about me and my family 766 00:21:40.052 --> 00:21:40.980 and my friends 767 00:21:41.020 --> 00:21:41.980 and my homes, my vacations. 768 00:21:42.020 --> 00:21:43.980 I was taking, taking, taking, 769 00:21:44.020 --> 00:21:44.826 without thinking 770 00:21:44.866 --> 00:21:45.980 about my contribution. 771 00:21:46.020 --> 00:21:47.552 And I told Dan, I said, 772 00:21:47.592 --> 00:21:48.980 "I have to do better. 773 00:21:49.020 --> 00:21:50.772 I wanna do better; I need 774 00:21:50.812 --> 00:21:52.980 somebody to help me do better." 775 00:21:53.020 --> 00:21:53.203 I said, 776 00:21:53.243 --> 00:21:54.743 "But I feel so hopeless." 777 00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:55.980 I mean, I had just read 778 00:21:56.020 --> 00:21:56.980 an article that morning 779 00:21:57.020 --> 00:21:58.354 that men were 780 00:21:58.394 --> 00:22:01.000 masturbating into plants. 781 00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:05.980 That's happening. 782 00:22:06.020 --> 00:22:06.980 When did that start, you guys? 783 00:22:07.020 --> 00:22:08.010 Wha--please stand up 784 00:22:08.050 --> 00:22:08.980 if you've done that 785 00:22:09.020 --> 00:22:10.980 and explain it. 786 00:22:11.020 --> 00:22:12.980 Please, please get up. 787 00:22:13.020 --> 00:22:15.135 If somebody's done that here, 788 00:22:15.175 --> 00:22:16.980 you need to come forward. 789 00:22:17.020 --> 00:22:19.980 Why did that start? 790 00:22:20.020 --> 00:22:20.980 I mean, honestly, guys, 791 00:22:21.020 --> 00:22:22.485 only a man would 792 00:22:22.525 --> 00:22:23.980 do such a thing. 793 00:22:24.020 --> 00:22:25.980 Poor plants. 794 00:22:26.020 --> 00:22:26.190 I mean, 795 00:22:26.230 --> 00:22:26.980 they've been sitting around 796 00:22:27.020 --> 00:22:28.320 for how many millions of 797 00:22:28.360 --> 00:22:29.980 millennia, minding their own-- 798 00:22:30.020 --> 00:22:31.980 giving us air to breathe. 799 00:22:32.020 --> 00:22:33.951 And then cavemen come running 800 00:22:33.991 --> 00:22:35.980 along with their dicks waving, 801 00:22:36.020 --> 00:22:37.233 and plants are like, 802 00:22:37.273 --> 00:22:37.980 "Oh, my God. 803 00:22:38.020 --> 00:22:38.980 "What is gonna happen now? 804 00:22:39.020 --> 00:22:41.051 Are we gonna get 805 00:22:41.091 --> 00:22:42.980 ejaculated on?" 806 00:22:43.020 --> 00:22:43.515 I mean, talk about 807 00:22:43.555 --> 00:22:44.515 picking a victim 808 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:46.980 that can't get away. 809 00:22:47.020 --> 00:22:48.980 Sickos. 810 00:22:49.020 --> 00:22:49.650 Only a man would see a plant 811 00:22:49.690 --> 00:22:49.980 and be like... 812 00:22:50.020 --> 00:22:51.980 [grunting] 813 00:22:52.020 --> 00:22:52.980 Only a man would do that. 814 00:22:53.020 --> 00:22:55.000 No woman has ever done it. 815 00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:57.680 In the history of the world, 816 00:22:58.000 --> 00:22:59.395 no woman is like, 817 00:22:59.435 --> 00:23:00.980 "Where's a cactus?" 818 00:23:01.020 --> 00:23:01.980 Never! 819 00:23:02.020 --> 00:23:04.000 Never ever, ever. 820 00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:05.980 Not one time. 821 00:23:06.020 --> 00:23:07.319 I'm willing to vouch 822 00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:09.000 for all women everywhere. 823 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:13.179 Not in the history 824 00:23:13.219 --> 00:23:13.980 of the world 825 00:23:14.020 --> 00:23:15.986 or in the future history 826 00:23:16.026 --> 00:23:16.980 of the world 827 00:23:17.020 --> 00:23:18.334 will a woman ever have 828 00:23:18.374 --> 00:23:19.980 said that she has done that 829 00:23:20.020 --> 00:23:23.980 or will we catch one doing it. 830 00:23:24.020 --> 00:23:24.670 That was 831 00:23:24.710 --> 00:23:27.000 a disappointing revelation. 832 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:28.980 I mean, and it's not like 833 00:23:29.020 --> 00:23:29.980 women don't get turned on 834 00:23:30.020 --> 00:23:31.422 at inappropriate times, 835 00:23:31.462 --> 00:23:31.980 you guys. 836 00:23:32.020 --> 00:23:33.980 We do. 837 00:23:34.020 --> 00:23:34.744 I get a manicure 838 00:23:34.784 --> 00:23:35.980 and a pedicure every week. 839 00:23:36.020 --> 00:23:36.686 And she does 840 00:23:36.726 --> 00:23:37.980 that forearm massage-- 841 00:23:38.020 --> 00:23:39.605 this spot right here 842 00:23:39.645 --> 00:23:40.980 is my sweet spot. 843 00:23:41.020 --> 00:23:41.900 That's--when somebody 844 00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:42.980 touches that, I'm like... 845 00:23:43.020 --> 00:23:44.980 [moaning lightly] 846 00:23:45.020 --> 00:23:45.706 I get--like, I flutter, 847 00:23:45.746 --> 00:23:46.286 you know, 848 00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:47.597 my eyes start to twitch, 849 00:23:47.637 --> 00:23:47.980 and I'm like... 850 00:23:48.020 --> 00:23:49.980 [moans] 851 00:23:50.020 --> 00:23:50.530 And then I'm like, 852 00:23:50.570 --> 00:23:50.980 open your eyes. 853 00:23:51.020 --> 00:23:51.980 You're at a nail salon. 854 00:23:52.020 --> 00:23:53.980 You can't do that right now. 855 00:23:54.020 --> 00:23:55.259 You're in public, 856 00:23:55.299 --> 00:23:56.980 you sick fucking bitch. 857 00:23:57.020 --> 00:23:58.227 You can't audibly moan 858 00:23:58.267 --> 00:23:59.980 while you're getting a massage. 859 00:24:00.020 --> 00:24:01.980 That's not okay. 860 00:24:02.020 --> 00:24:03.980 And in that moment, 861 00:24:04.020 --> 00:24:05.666 when she does that, 862 00:24:05.706 --> 00:24:06.980 I'm vulnerable. 863 00:24:07.020 --> 00:24:08.058 Like, I would-- 864 00:24:08.098 --> 00:24:09.980 I would like it to continue 865 00:24:10.020 --> 00:24:12.980 in different ways, maybe. 866 00:24:13.020 --> 00:24:13.355 When she does 867 00:24:13.395 --> 00:24:13.980 the little dipsy doo-- 868 00:24:14.020 --> 00:24:15.980 if she--even if in that moment, 869 00:24:16.020 --> 00:24:17.030 if she tried to just go 870 00:24:17.070 --> 00:24:17.980 a little bit too far, 871 00:24:18.020 --> 00:24:19.170 like, up the leg, 872 00:24:19.210 --> 00:24:20.980 and a little dipsy doodle, 873 00:24:21.020 --> 00:24:22.065 like, a little 874 00:24:22.105 --> 00:24:24.000 ♪ Itsy-bitsy spider ♪ 875 00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:27.980 ♪ Climbed up the water spout ♪ 876 00:24:28.020 --> 00:24:30.980 ♪ Down came the rain ♪ 877 00:24:31.020 --> 00:24:32.044 If in that moment, 878 00:24:32.084 --> 00:24:32.980 she did do that, 879 00:24:33.020 --> 00:24:34.516 I might be like, "Yeah, yeah, 880 00:24:34.556 --> 00:24:36.236 quick, quick, quick, quick." 881 00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:41.223 "Do it, get in, get in, get in, 882 00:24:41.263 --> 00:24:42.403 quick, quick, quick 883 00:24:43.000 --> 00:24:43.980 "before anybody else walks in. 884 00:24:44.020 --> 00:24:44.980 Hey, come on, come on." 885 00:24:45.020 --> 00:24:45.643 I might even return 886 00:24:45.683 --> 00:24:45.980 the favor. 887 00:24:46.020 --> 00:24:48.980 I doubt it, but I might. 888 00:24:49.020 --> 00:24:50.402 So I'm talking to 889 00:24:50.442 --> 00:24:52.980 my new psychiatrist about this. 890 00:24:53.020 --> 00:24:53.986 And I was like, "Dan, 891 00:24:54.026 --> 00:24:54.980 I'm thinking I'm lit. 892 00:24:55.020 --> 00:24:56.165 "You know, like, I know 893 00:24:56.205 --> 00:24:56.980 I'm, like, woke, 894 00:24:57.020 --> 00:24:57.980 and I know my shit." 895 00:24:58.020 --> 00:24:58.957 And just that day, 896 00:24:58.997 --> 00:24:59.980 I'd started filming 897 00:25:00.020 --> 00:25:02.110 a documentary for Netflix 898 00:25:02.150 --> 00:25:03.980 about white privilege. 899 00:25:04.020 --> 00:25:05.336 And on the very first day 900 00:25:05.376 --> 00:25:05.980 of shooting, 901 00:25:06.020 --> 00:25:06.980 Netflix called me and said 902 00:25:07.020 --> 00:25:08.011 I had to go to 903 00:25:08.051 --> 00:25:09.980 sexual harassment training. 904 00:25:10.020 --> 00:25:10.911 I was like... 905 00:25:10.951 --> 00:25:10.980 f 906 00:25:11.020 --> 00:25:14.980 Again? 907 00:25:15.020 --> 00:25:15.980 And I had been on set 908 00:25:16.020 --> 00:25:17.159 and this Black woman 909 00:25:17.199 --> 00:25:17.980 sang this song 910 00:25:18.020 --> 00:25:19.004 and I went to go hug her 911 00:25:19.044 --> 00:25:20.424 and after I hugged her, 912 00:25:21.000 --> 00:25:21.980 I smacked her on the ass. 913 00:25:22.020 --> 00:25:24.000 I said, "Way to go, sister." 914 00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:25.980 She did not like that. 915 00:25:26.020 --> 00:25:27.260 But I didn't understand 916 00:25:27.300 --> 00:25:28.980 why I had to go to sexual har-- 917 00:25:29.020 --> 00:25:30.131 I was like, "Why is this 918 00:25:30.171 --> 00:25:30.980 sexual harassment? 919 00:25:31.020 --> 00:25:31.609 I'm not hitting on her. 920 00:25:31.649 --> 00:25:31.980 I'm straight." 921 00:25:32.020 --> 00:25:32.797 And they're like, 922 00:25:32.837 --> 00:25:33.980 "No, it's not about that. 923 00:25:34.020 --> 00:25:35.132 "You have to call this woman 924 00:25:35.172 --> 00:25:35.980 and apologize to her, 925 00:25:36.020 --> 00:25:36.963 and you have to get her 926 00:25:37.003 --> 00:25:37.980 to accept your apology." 927 00:25:38.020 --> 00:25:39.766 And I was like-- 928 00:25:39.806 --> 00:25:41.980 and I was defensive. 929 00:25:42.020 --> 00:25:42.572 And so I called her, 930 00:25:42.612 --> 00:25:42.980 and I was like 931 00:25:43.020 --> 00:25:43.823 "I just--I don't-- 932 00:25:43.863 --> 00:25:44.980 I was just trying to say, 933 00:25:45.020 --> 00:25:46.349 'Hey, go girl.' 934 00:25:46.389 --> 00:25:47.980 Like, sisterhood." 935 00:25:48.020 --> 00:25:49.320 And she said, "It doesn't 936 00:25:49.360 --> 00:25:50.980 matter what your intention was. 937 00:25:51.020 --> 00:25:52.460 "It's how I received it, 938 00:25:53.000 --> 00:25:53.533 "and you--Black women 939 00:25:53.573 --> 00:25:53.980 have been defined 940 00:25:54.020 --> 00:25:56.053 "by their hair and their asses 941 00:25:56.093 --> 00:25:57.980 since the beginning of time. 942 00:25:58.020 --> 00:25:59.441 You have no right 943 00:25:59.481 --> 00:26:00.980 to touch my body." 944 00:26:01.020 --> 00:26:01.980 And she was right. 945 00:26:02.020 --> 00:26:02.920 I have no right 946 00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:03.980 to touch her body 947 00:26:04.020 --> 00:26:04.980 or anybody else's. 948 00:26:05.020 --> 00:26:06.173 So I was sitting there 949 00:26:06.213 --> 00:26:06.980 talking to Dan, 950 00:26:07.020 --> 00:26:08.487 and I was like, "But can I 951 00:26:08.527 --> 00:26:10.087 still touch white people?" 952 00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:13.316 And he said, "No, no, you can't 953 00:26:13.356 --> 00:26:15.000 touch anyone, Chelsea. 954 00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:16.980 It's unwelcome." 955 00:26:17.020 --> 00:26:18.533 And I was like, "But that's how 956 00:26:18.573 --> 00:26:19.980 my family and I communicate." 957 00:26:20.020 --> 00:26:20.744 I see my sister, 958 00:26:20.784 --> 00:26:21.980 I grab her by the Pikachu. 959 00:26:22.020 --> 00:26:24.980 I'm like, "Beep, beep!" 960 00:26:25.020 --> 00:26:26.352 He's like, "You definitely 961 00:26:26.392 --> 00:26:26.980 shouldn't be 962 00:26:27.020 --> 00:26:29.000 doing that with family." 963 00:26:31.000 --> 00:26:31.980 And that was a wake-up call, 964 00:26:32.020 --> 00:26:33.097 'cause she was right 965 00:26:33.137 --> 00:26:33.980 and I was wrong. 966 00:26:34.020 --> 00:26:34.466 It's not about 967 00:26:34.506 --> 00:26:34.980 your intention; 968 00:26:35.020 --> 00:26:36.980 it's about the reception. 969 00:26:37.020 --> 00:26:37.980 And any time you're defensive, 970 00:26:38.020 --> 00:26:39.582 especially about racism, 971 00:26:39.622 --> 00:26:40.980 you're fuckin' wrong. 972 00:26:41.020 --> 00:26:42.111 And if you're a person 973 00:26:42.151 --> 00:26:42.980 who doesn't think 974 00:26:43.020 --> 00:26:43.565 that "white privilege" 975 00:26:43.605 --> 00:26:43.980 is a real thing, 976 00:26:44.020 --> 00:26:44.874 then you're a person 977 00:26:44.914 --> 00:26:45.980 who's choosing to be part 978 00:26:46.020 --> 00:26:47.947 of the problem rather than 979 00:26:47.987 --> 00:26:50.000 being part of the solution. 980 00:26:57.000 --> 00:26:57.761 Because the world is 981 00:26:57.801 --> 00:26:59.661 only getting browner and gayer, 982 00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:02.000 so you better hop on board. 983 00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:08.741 So that was 984 00:27:08.781 --> 00:27:09.980 lesson number one, 985 00:27:10.020 --> 00:27:10.820 but not from Dan, but 986 00:27:10.860 --> 00:27:12.600 I talked it through with him. 987 00:27:13.000 --> 00:27:14.025 And then he wanted to know 988 00:27:14.065 --> 00:27:14.980 about my family history. 989 00:27:15.020 --> 00:27:15.644 I was like, that's not what 990 00:27:15.684 --> 00:27:15.980 this is about. 991 00:27:16.020 --> 00:27:18.980 Nothin' to see there. 992 00:27:19.020 --> 00:27:20.026 I was like, my brother died 993 00:27:20.066 --> 00:27:20.980 when I was a little girl; 994 00:27:21.020 --> 00:27:22.485 my mom died, like, 995 00:27:22.525 --> 00:27:23.980 8 or 10 years ago; 996 00:27:24.020 --> 00:27:24.469 my dad's a huge 997 00:27:24.509 --> 00:27:24.980 pain in the ass, 998 00:27:25.020 --> 00:27:27.778 so hopefully he'll wrap things 999 00:27:27.818 --> 00:27:29.000 up this year. 1000 00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:32.594 And I said, 1001 00:27:32.634 --> 00:27:33.980 "And quite frankly, like, 1002 00:27:34.020 --> 00:27:34.980 I'm ready to wrap it up, too." 1003 00:27:35.020 --> 00:27:35.215 I said, 1004 00:27:35.255 --> 00:27:35.980 "Dan, I'm not suicidal. 1005 00:27:36.020 --> 00:27:37.075 "You don't have to 1006 00:27:37.115 --> 00:27:37.980 worry about it. 1007 00:27:38.020 --> 00:27:38.439 "But people say 1008 00:27:38.479 --> 00:27:38.980 life is too short. 1009 00:27:39.020 --> 00:27:40.400 I think it's too long." 1010 00:27:41.000 --> 00:27:42.317 Like, there's so many annoying 1011 00:27:42.357 --> 00:27:42.980 people out here 1012 00:27:43.020 --> 00:27:44.980 and I just can't deal with it. 1013 00:27:45.020 --> 00:27:45.662 I said, 1014 00:27:45.702 --> 00:27:47.980 "I'm losing my patience, 1015 00:27:48.020 --> 00:27:49.942 and I need you to help me 1016 00:27:49.982 --> 00:27:51.980 with my lack of patience." 1017 00:27:52.020 --> 00:27:52.980 And he said, "Okay. 1018 00:27:53.020 --> 00:27:53.875 Give me some examples 1019 00:27:53.915 --> 00:27:54.980 of your lack of patience." 1020 00:27:55.020 --> 00:27:55.980 And I said, "Okay, fine." 1021 00:27:56.020 --> 00:27:57.980 I was at a table like this, 1022 00:27:58.020 --> 00:27:58.453 probably a little bigger, 1023 00:27:58.493 --> 00:27:58.980 with three of my girlfriends 1024 00:27:59.020 --> 00:27:59.958 before my session 1025 00:27:59.998 --> 00:28:00.980 that day with Dan. 1026 00:28:01.020 --> 00:28:02.097 My girlfriend orders 1027 00:28:02.137 --> 00:28:02.980 a turkey burger, 1028 00:28:03.020 --> 00:28:04.875 no onion, no bun, 1029 00:28:04.915 --> 00:28:05.980 no cheese. 1030 00:28:06.020 --> 00:28:06.906 That's fine. 1031 00:28:06.946 --> 00:28:07.980 We live in LA. 1032 00:28:08.020 --> 00:28:09.980 [groans] 1033 00:28:10.020 --> 00:28:11.623 So the server comes over 1034 00:28:11.663 --> 00:28:12.980 with his hands full, 1035 00:28:13.020 --> 00:28:14.081 with four plates, 1036 00:28:14.121 --> 00:28:14.980 and comes over 1037 00:28:15.020 --> 00:28:15.798 and we're all 1038 00:28:15.838 --> 00:28:16.980 sitting at a table. 1039 00:28:17.020 --> 00:28:17.980 We're not even talking. 1040 00:28:18.020 --> 00:28:18.873 And he says, 1041 00:28:18.913 --> 00:28:19.980 "Turkey burger? 1042 00:28:20.020 --> 00:28:22.018 Who ordered the turkey burger, 1043 00:28:22.058 --> 00:28:23.980 no onion, no bun, no cheese?" 1044 00:28:24.020 --> 00:28:24.750 And my friend 1045 00:28:24.790 --> 00:28:25.980 is just sitting there 1046 00:28:26.020 --> 00:28:27.485 like Stevie Wonder 1047 00:28:27.525 --> 00:28:29.000 playing the piano. 1048 00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:39.980 And he says it again, louder. 1049 00:28:40.020 --> 00:28:41.007 "Turkey burger. 1050 00:28:41.047 --> 00:28:42.980 No onion, no bun, no cheese." 1051 00:28:43.020 --> 00:28:46.000 And this is her. 1052 00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:49.980 I go, "Hey, you fucking cunt! 1053 00:28:50.020 --> 00:28:50.980 "Wake up! 1054 00:28:51.020 --> 00:28:53.980 "Is that your turkey burger? 1055 00:28:54.020 --> 00:28:55.466 You can't order that and then 1056 00:28:55.506 --> 00:28:56.980 forget that you ordered that." 1057 00:28:57.020 --> 00:28:59.980 [growls] 1058 00:29:00.020 --> 00:29:00.683 I said, 1059 00:29:00.723 --> 00:29:02.980 "So that's one example. 1060 00:29:03.020 --> 00:29:03.887 Would you like 1061 00:29:03.927 --> 00:29:04.980 to hear another?" 1062 00:29:05.020 --> 00:29:06.980 He said, "Yes, please go on." 1063 00:29:07.020 --> 00:29:07.988 I said, "Airports, airports. 1064 00:29:08.028 --> 00:29:08.980 I can't deal with the people 1065 00:29:09.020 --> 00:29:09.605 "that work 1066 00:29:09.645 --> 00:29:10.980 at Hudson Booksellers. 1067 00:29:11.020 --> 00:29:11.825 "What's wrong 1068 00:29:11.865 --> 00:29:12.980 with those people? 1069 00:29:13.020 --> 00:29:14.771 "What's up with the slowness 1070 00:29:14.811 --> 00:29:15.980 of the transaction? 1071 00:29:16.020 --> 00:29:17.881 "I can't deal with the slowness 1072 00:29:17.921 --> 00:29:18.980 of the transaction 1073 00:29:19.020 --> 00:29:19.980 "when I wanna buy a book. 1074 00:29:20.020 --> 00:29:20.961 "Are those people-- 1075 00:29:21.001 --> 00:29:21.980 what is wrong with-- 1076 00:29:22.020 --> 00:29:25.000 are they koala bears?" 1077 00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:28.352 He said, "Well, how do you 1078 00:29:28.392 --> 00:29:28.980 handle that? 1079 00:29:29.020 --> 00:29:31.794 I go, "I have to shoplift. 1080 00:29:31.834 --> 00:29:33.000 I have to." 1081 00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:36.277 I said, "I get the book, 1082 00:29:36.317 --> 00:29:36.980 and I wave it 1083 00:29:37.020 --> 00:29:37.980 "to the security camera-- 1084 00:29:38.020 --> 00:29:38.535 "always, I say-- 1085 00:29:38.575 --> 00:29:38.980 I always say, 1086 00:29:39.020 --> 00:29:40.980 'Hey, it's me, Chelsea Handler, 1087 00:29:41.020 --> 00:29:41.769 'I'm taking this 1088 00:29:41.809 --> 00:29:42.980 because your koala bear's 1089 00:29:43.020 --> 00:29:44.789 on a branch somewhere 1090 00:29:44.829 --> 00:29:46.000 in the back.'" 1091 00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:53.283 I'm like, "I'm gonna leave 1092 00:29:53.323 --> 00:29:53.980 40 bucks here, 1093 00:29:54.020 --> 00:29:55.980 "and hopefully they'll find it 1094 00:29:56.020 --> 00:29:57.171 "when she comes out 1095 00:29:57.211 --> 00:29:57.980 from her nap, 1096 00:29:58.020 --> 00:29:58.424 "if she'll find it 1097 00:29:58.464 --> 00:29:58.980 before a stranger does, 1098 00:29:59.020 --> 00:30:00.700 "but it's on this bookshelf. 1099 00:30:01.000 --> 00:30:01.516 I didn't steal. 1100 00:30:01.556 --> 00:30:01.980 I'm leaving," 1101 00:30:02.020 --> 00:30:04.000 and then I skedaddle. 1102 00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:06.764 And Dan was looking at me 1103 00:30:06.804 --> 00:30:07.980 when I said that. 1104 00:30:08.020 --> 00:30:09.133 I was like, "What? 1105 00:30:09.173 --> 00:30:10.980 Is that white privilege too?" 1106 00:30:11.020 --> 00:30:11.980 He's like, "No, Chelsea. 1107 00:30:12.020 --> 00:30:13.571 White people aren't 1108 00:30:13.611 --> 00:30:15.000 even doing that." 1109 00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:16.609 I told him, 1110 00:30:16.649 --> 00:30:17.980 anything hotel related-- 1111 00:30:18.020 --> 00:30:19.080 I'm like, "I spend tons 1112 00:30:19.120 --> 00:30:19.980 of times in hotels, 1113 00:30:20.020 --> 00:30:20.927 "and I get home at, like, 1114 00:30:20.967 --> 00:30:21.980 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, 1115 00:30:22.020 --> 00:30:23.158 "I want my snack. 1116 00:30:23.198 --> 00:30:23.980 I call down, 1117 00:30:24.020 --> 00:30:25.038 "I order what I want 1118 00:30:25.078 --> 00:30:25.980 from room service, 1119 00:30:26.020 --> 00:30:27.980 and that's too slow." 1120 00:30:28.020 --> 00:30:28.498 At 1:30 in the morning, 1121 00:30:28.538 --> 00:30:28.980 there should be, like, 1122 00:30:29.020 --> 00:30:30.980 a double speed, you know, 1123 00:30:31.020 --> 00:30:31.600 where people 1124 00:30:31.640 --> 00:30:32.980 are quicker and more alert, 1125 00:30:33.020 --> 00:30:34.980 or--or just quicker. 1126 00:30:35.020 --> 00:30:36.518 Then they wanna repeat 1127 00:30:36.558 --> 00:30:37.980 the order back to me. 1128 00:30:38.020 --> 00:30:38.745 It's like, please, 1129 00:30:38.785 --> 00:30:40.525 whatever you think you heard, 1130 00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:42.980 just bring double. 1131 00:30:43.020 --> 00:30:44.338 And don't say "chicken fingers" 1132 00:30:44.378 --> 00:30:44.980 out loud again. 1133 00:30:45.020 --> 00:30:46.980 I'm 45 years old. 1134 00:30:47.020 --> 00:30:47.703 I don't wanna 1135 00:30:47.743 --> 00:30:48.980 have this conversation. 1136 00:30:49.020 --> 00:30:49.326 Do you know 1137 00:30:49.366 --> 00:30:49.980 how humiliating it is 1138 00:30:50.020 --> 00:30:51.346 to call you in the first place 1139 00:30:51.386 --> 00:30:51.980 and order this 1140 00:30:52.020 --> 00:30:53.400 at 1:30 in the morning? 1141 00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:55.765 And now you wanna go over it 1142 00:30:55.805 --> 00:30:56.980 and shame me again? 1143 00:30:57.020 --> 00:30:57.980 Just bring them. 1144 00:30:58.020 --> 00:30:58.655 And then they bring them 1145 00:30:58.695 --> 00:30:58.980 and that's-- 1146 00:30:59.020 --> 00:31:00.678 that's a whole episode 1147 00:31:00.718 --> 00:31:01.980 in and of itself. 1148 00:31:02.020 --> 00:31:03.424 It's like, with the cart 1149 00:31:03.464 --> 00:31:04.980 and the fork and the knife 1150 00:31:05.020 --> 00:31:05.933 and they set me up 1151 00:31:05.973 --> 00:31:06.980 like I'm fine dining 1152 00:31:07.020 --> 00:31:08.360 at 2:00 in the morning 1153 00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:09.980 with some chicken fingers. 1154 00:31:10.020 --> 00:31:10.862 As if I'm going to use 1155 00:31:10.902 --> 00:31:11.980 a fork and a knife to cut up 1156 00:31:12.020 --> 00:31:12.980 my chicken fingers. 1157 00:31:13.020 --> 00:31:14.253 You could throw them at me 1158 00:31:14.293 --> 00:31:14.980 across the room 1159 00:31:15.020 --> 00:31:15.892 and I will 1160 00:31:15.932 --> 00:31:18.000 catch them in my mouth. 1161 00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:24.065 And then I have to pretend 1162 00:31:24.105 --> 00:31:24.980 I have a fake daughter 1163 00:31:25.020 --> 00:31:25.980 that's, you know, in the bath. 1164 00:31:26.020 --> 00:31:26.987 I'm like, "My daughter's 1165 00:31:27.027 --> 00:31:27.980 getting out of the bath. 1166 00:31:28.020 --> 00:31:29.980 "Can you wrap this up, please? 1167 00:31:30.020 --> 00:31:32.980 Get the fuck out of here." 1168 00:31:33.020 --> 00:31:34.488 I said, "I could get annoyed 1169 00:31:34.528 --> 00:31:35.980 during a hotel massage, Dan. 1170 00:31:36.020 --> 00:31:37.880 That's the kind of bitch I am." 1171 00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:41.559 The way they talk to you after 1172 00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:42.980 a 45-minute Swedish massage 1173 00:31:43.020 --> 00:31:44.980 is ridiculous. 1174 00:31:45.020 --> 00:31:46.820 [voice wavering] "You're gonna 1175 00:31:46.860 --> 00:31:47.980 wanna be careful... 1176 00:31:48.020 --> 00:31:50.980 getting up." 1177 00:31:51.020 --> 00:31:52.980 Why? 1178 00:31:53.020 --> 00:31:55.980 What? Did you amputate my legs? 1179 00:31:56.020 --> 00:31:57.012 Why do I need 1180 00:31:57.052 --> 00:31:58.980 to be careful getting up? 1181 00:31:59.020 --> 00:32:00.279 This is supposed to be 1182 00:32:00.319 --> 00:32:02.059 more relaxing, not stressful. 1183 00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:05.111 And then they hand you 1184 00:32:05.151 --> 00:32:05.980 a gross Dixie cup 1185 00:32:06.020 --> 00:32:08.980 of room-temperature water. 1186 00:32:09.020 --> 00:32:09.902 It's like, "Ugh, 1187 00:32:09.942 --> 00:32:11.082 I don't want that." 1188 00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:13.739 [mockingly] "You're gonna wanna 1189 00:32:13.779 --> 00:32:14.980 drink a lot of water." 1190 00:32:15.020 --> 00:32:16.533 No, I won't. 1191 00:32:16.573 --> 00:32:18.980 Fuckin' hate water. 1192 00:32:19.020 --> 00:32:19.810 The only thing 1193 00:32:19.850 --> 00:32:20.980 more offensive to me 1194 00:32:21.020 --> 00:32:21.980 than room-temperature water 1195 00:32:22.020 --> 00:32:23.072 is room-temperature 1196 00:32:23.112 --> 00:32:23.980 sparkling water. 1197 00:32:24.020 --> 00:32:25.284 That is like, 1198 00:32:25.324 --> 00:32:27.980 "Fuck you and your family." 1199 00:32:28.020 --> 00:32:28.508 So I said, 1200 00:32:28.548 --> 00:32:29.980 "So what do you think I have 1201 00:32:30.020 --> 00:32:30.980 after all of this?" 1202 00:32:31.020 --> 00:32:32.389 I said, "What do you think 1203 00:32:32.429 --> 00:32:32.980 it is, Dan? 1204 00:32:33.020 --> 00:32:34.235 What? ADD? 1205 00:32:34.275 --> 00:32:34.980 What?" 1206 00:32:35.020 --> 00:32:36.652 He said... 1207 00:32:36.692 --> 00:32:38.000 [laughs] 1208 00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:40.847 "I don't know 1209 00:32:40.887 --> 00:32:41.980 if you have ADD." 1210 00:32:42.020 --> 00:32:43.193 He's like, "I have no idea 1211 00:32:43.233 --> 00:32:43.980 if you have that. 1212 00:32:44.020 --> 00:32:45.341 You could take 1213 00:32:45.381 --> 00:32:46.980 a test for that." 1214 00:32:47.020 --> 00:32:47.980 It's like, great. 1215 00:32:48.020 --> 00:32:48.735 He said, 1216 00:32:48.775 --> 00:32:50.980 "It's eight hours long." 1217 00:32:51.020 --> 00:32:52.002 I was like, "Well, let's just 1218 00:32:52.042 --> 00:32:52.980 operate under the assumption 1219 00:32:53.020 --> 00:32:54.980 that I have it." 1220 00:32:55.020 --> 00:32:57.415 He said, "I think 1221 00:32:57.455 --> 00:32:59.980 you lack empathy." 1222 00:33:00.020 --> 00:33:01.407 I was like, 1223 00:33:01.447 --> 00:33:04.000 "Like a Republican?" 1224 00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:06.876 And I had him draw 1225 00:33:06.916 --> 00:33:07.980 the distinction for me 1226 00:33:08.020 --> 00:33:09.700 between sympathy and empathy 1227 00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:10.980 because I couldn't remember. 1228 00:33:11.020 --> 00:33:11.422 I said, 1229 00:33:11.462 --> 00:33:12.980 "Wait, sympathy is what?" 1230 00:33:13.020 --> 00:33:13.946 He said, "Sympathy is when 1231 00:33:13.986 --> 00:33:14.980 you feel sorry for somebody, 1232 00:33:15.020 --> 00:33:16.144 "or you feel badly 1233 00:33:16.184 --> 00:33:16.980 for somebody. 1234 00:33:17.020 --> 00:33:17.433 Somebody's going through 1235 00:33:17.473 --> 00:33:17.980 a bad time and you help them." 1236 00:33:18.020 --> 00:33:19.980 I said, "Oh, I've got that." 1237 00:33:20.020 --> 00:33:20.680 I would do that 1238 00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:21.980 for any of you sitting here. 1239 00:33:22.020 --> 00:33:23.095 I would do that for strangers. 1240 00:33:23.135 --> 00:33:23.980 Yeah, I've got sympathy. 1241 00:33:24.020 --> 00:33:25.378 He said, "Empathy is 1242 00:33:25.418 --> 00:33:26.980 actually thinking about 1243 00:33:27.020 --> 00:33:27.920 "what it's like 1244 00:33:27.960 --> 00:33:28.980 to be that person 1245 00:33:29.020 --> 00:33:30.063 "that's going through 1246 00:33:30.103 --> 00:33:30.980 a difficult time-- 1247 00:33:31.020 --> 00:33:31.620 "actually thinking about 1248 00:33:31.660 --> 00:33:31.980 what it's like 1249 00:33:32.020 --> 00:33:33.340 "to be in their shoes. 1250 00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:34.980 Have you ever done that?" 1251 00:33:35.020 --> 00:33:36.980 I was like, "Oh, no." 1252 00:33:37.020 --> 00:33:40.527 I was like, "That's depressing. 1253 00:33:40.567 --> 00:33:41.000 No." 1254 00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:42.836 He said, "You need 1255 00:33:42.876 --> 00:33:43.980 to think about the woman 1256 00:33:44.020 --> 00:33:44.367 "that's working at 1257 00:33:44.407 --> 00:33:44.980 the Hudson Booksellers store. 1258 00:33:45.020 --> 00:33:45.943 "You need to think about 1259 00:33:45.983 --> 00:33:46.980 the fact that she may have 1260 00:33:47.020 --> 00:33:47.886 "more than one job, 1261 00:33:47.926 --> 00:33:48.980 or that she has to deal 1262 00:33:49.020 --> 00:33:50.219 "with people like you 1263 00:33:50.259 --> 00:33:51.039 all day long. 1264 00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:52.630 "You have to think about 1265 00:33:52.670 --> 00:33:52.980 the fact that 1266 00:33:53.020 --> 00:33:53.980 she's got a family at home." 1267 00:33:54.020 --> 00:33:54.666 And I'm like... 1268 00:33:54.706 --> 00:33:54.980 [sighs] 1269 00:33:55.020 --> 00:33:56.452 "I have to think about 1270 00:33:56.492 --> 00:33:58.000 all those koala bears?" 1271 00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:01.953 But it made sense, 1272 00:34:01.993 --> 00:34:02.980 and I was clicking. 1273 00:34:03.020 --> 00:34:04.334 It was like, oh, wait, 1274 00:34:04.374 --> 00:34:05.980 paying somebody to tell you 1275 00:34:06.020 --> 00:34:06.464 what's wrong with you 1276 00:34:06.504 --> 00:34:06.980 is a great transaction. 1277 00:34:07.020 --> 00:34:08.279 I was like, no friends 1278 00:34:08.319 --> 00:34:09.980 are gonna tell you, you know. 1279 00:34:10.020 --> 00:34:10.743 I was like, 1280 00:34:10.783 --> 00:34:11.980 "Oh, okay, great." 1281 00:34:12.020 --> 00:34:12.275 I'm like, 1282 00:34:12.315 --> 00:34:12.980 "How do I get empathy? 1283 00:34:13.020 --> 00:34:14.438 Is there an app 1284 00:34:14.478 --> 00:34:15.980 I can download?" 1285 00:34:16.020 --> 00:34:18.387 And he said, "Can you think 1286 00:34:18.427 --> 00:34:19.980 of any experiences 1287 00:34:20.020 --> 00:34:20.943 that you've had recently 1288 00:34:20.983 --> 00:34:21.980 where you lacked empathy?" 1289 00:34:22.020 --> 00:34:23.980 I was like, "Um, yeah." 1290 00:34:24.020 --> 00:34:24.470 And all of a sudden, 1291 00:34:24.510 --> 00:34:25.770 all these light bulbs 1292 00:34:26.000 --> 00:34:26.980 went on in my head, 1293 00:34:27.020 --> 00:34:27.902 and I remembered 1294 00:34:27.942 --> 00:34:28.980 going to this movie 1295 00:34:29.020 --> 00:34:30.980 with one of my gay friends. 1296 00:34:31.020 --> 00:34:31.345 It was called 1297 00:34:31.385 --> 00:34:31.980 "Call Me By Your Name." 1298 00:34:32.020 --> 00:34:33.044 It came out, like, 1299 00:34:33.084 --> 00:34:33.980 three years ago. 1300 00:34:34.020 --> 00:34:34.827 And I didn't know what 1301 00:34:34.867 --> 00:34:36.667 the movie was when we went in, 1302 00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:38.980 but five minutes in, I did. 1303 00:34:39.020 --> 00:34:40.083 And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, 1304 00:34:40.123 --> 00:34:40.980 whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1305 00:34:41.020 --> 00:34:42.980 What is this?" 1306 00:34:43.020 --> 00:34:44.561 I go, "What is this? 1307 00:34:44.601 --> 00:34:45.980 A gay love story?" 1308 00:34:46.020 --> 00:34:46.611 He goes, "Yeah. 1309 00:34:46.651 --> 00:34:46.980 Shut up." 1310 00:34:47.020 --> 00:34:50.000 I go, "You're so selfish." 1311 00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:51.707 And Dan looked at me; 1312 00:34:51.747 --> 00:34:52.247 he said, 1313 00:34:53.000 --> 00:34:53.980 "Do you know why that's wrong?" 1314 00:34:54.020 --> 00:34:55.980 I go, "I think so. 1315 00:34:56.020 --> 00:34:57.301 "'Cause gay people have had 1316 00:34:57.341 --> 00:34:57.980 to sit through 1317 00:34:58.020 --> 00:34:58.980 "straight people's love stories 1318 00:34:59.020 --> 00:35:00.571 since the beginning 1319 00:35:00.611 --> 00:35:01.980 of fucking time." 1320 00:35:02.020 --> 00:35:03.220 And he goes, "Yeah." 1321 00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:04.930 So now at my house, 1322 00:35:04.970 --> 00:35:05.980 all I have on a loop, 1323 00:35:06.020 --> 00:35:07.487 all day long 1324 00:35:07.527 --> 00:35:09.000 is gay porn. 1325 00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:15.000 Out of respect. 1326 00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:17.945 Finding out I lacked empathy 1327 00:35:17.985 --> 00:35:20.000 was, like, a huge light bulb, 1328 00:35:21.000 --> 00:35:21.980 and I was so excited. 1329 00:35:22.020 --> 00:35:22.980 I was on board with therapy, 1330 00:35:23.020 --> 00:35:23.980 and he got me from that. 1331 00:35:24.020 --> 00:35:25.054 I'm like, "You're right. 1332 00:35:25.094 --> 00:35:25.980 I don't have empathy. 1333 00:35:26.020 --> 00:35:26.431 "Okay, let's go, 1334 00:35:26.471 --> 00:35:26.980 let's go, what else? 1335 00:35:27.020 --> 00:35:27.563 And he said 1336 00:35:27.603 --> 00:35:28.980 "What about relationships?" 1337 00:35:29.020 --> 00:35:29.908 I'm like, "No good. 1338 00:35:29.948 --> 00:35:30.980 I'm not good at that." 1339 00:35:31.020 --> 00:35:31.900 He said, "Do you want 1340 00:35:31.940 --> 00:35:32.980 to be in a relationship?" 1341 00:35:33.020 --> 00:35:33.236 I'm like, 1342 00:35:33.276 --> 00:35:33.980 "Whatever you say, I'll do. 1343 00:35:34.020 --> 00:35:34.798 "If you think 1344 00:35:34.838 --> 00:35:35.980 I should be in one, 1345 00:35:36.020 --> 00:35:37.469 I'll go find somebody." 1346 00:35:37.509 --> 00:35:37.980 [laughs] 1347 00:35:38.020 --> 00:35:39.000 I said, "But I-- 1348 00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:40.289 "It's tricky 1349 00:35:40.329 --> 00:35:41.949 'cause everybody annoys me, 1350 00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:42.980 "and men annoy me. 1351 00:35:43.020 --> 00:35:43.614 "Their belts annoy me, 1352 00:35:43.654 --> 00:35:43.980 their shoes-- 1353 00:35:44.020 --> 00:35:45.980 everything about them." 1354 00:35:46.020 --> 00:35:47.334 I said, "But if we're gonna 1355 00:35:47.374 --> 00:35:47.980 do something, 1356 00:35:48.020 --> 00:35:48.372 we should lock 1357 00:35:48.412 --> 00:35:48.980 something down quick." 1358 00:35:49.020 --> 00:35:50.065 I mean, I'm in 1359 00:35:50.105 --> 00:35:51.980 a denim onesie right now. 1360 00:35:52.020 --> 00:35:52.744 I have orthotics 1361 00:35:52.784 --> 00:35:53.980 in every pair of my shoes. 1362 00:35:54.020 --> 00:35:54.984 One of my eyes 1363 00:35:55.024 --> 00:35:55.980 is going bald. 1364 00:35:56.020 --> 00:35:56.885 I have to shave my face 1365 00:35:56.925 --> 00:35:57.980 in the shower in the morning 1366 00:35:58.020 --> 00:35:59.593 to get rid of this facial hair 1367 00:35:59.633 --> 00:36:00.980 that I'm starting to grow. 1368 00:36:01.020 --> 00:36:02.230 I used aftershave the other day 1369 00:36:02.270 --> 00:36:02.980 for the first time. 1370 00:36:03.020 --> 00:36:05.596 Either I'm transitioning 1371 00:36:05.636 --> 00:36:07.980 and I don't know it... 1372 00:36:08.020 --> 00:36:09.980 or I'm in decline. 1373 00:36:10.020 --> 00:36:11.987 I saw my elbow the other day 1374 00:36:12.027 --> 00:36:12.980 in the mirror. 1375 00:36:13.020 --> 00:36:13.362 I was like, 1376 00:36:13.402 --> 00:36:13.980 is that an iguana? 1377 00:36:14.020 --> 00:36:14.467 What is that? 1378 00:36:14.507 --> 00:36:15.347 What happened? 1379 00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:18.324 And why does it look like 1380 00:36:18.364 --> 00:36:18.980 a butt? 1381 00:36:19.020 --> 00:36:20.460 The other day I coughed, 1382 00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:22.385 and liquid came 1383 00:36:22.425 --> 00:36:24.000 out of my vagina. 1384 00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:30.000 That, I blame on 50 Cent. 1385 00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:37.980 And I went to my doctor, 1386 00:36:38.020 --> 00:36:38.823 and she was, like, 1387 00:36:38.863 --> 00:36:39.980 doing my hormone testing, 1388 00:36:40.020 --> 00:36:41.040 and she's like, "Okay, sweetie, 1389 00:36:41.080 --> 00:36:41.980 You're low on testosterone." 1390 00:36:42.020 --> 00:36:42.968 I'm like, "I don't think 1391 00:36:43.008 --> 00:36:43.980 I'm low on testosterone." 1392 00:36:44.020 --> 00:36:45.194 I'm like, "I could give a man 1393 00:36:45.234 --> 00:36:45.980 some testosterone." 1394 00:36:46.020 --> 00:36:46.561 I'm like, 1395 00:36:46.601 --> 00:36:47.980 "I'm very aggressive." 1396 00:36:48.020 --> 00:36:48.877 She's like, 1397 00:36:48.917 --> 00:36:50.980 "That's not testosterone." 1398 00:36:51.020 --> 00:36:51.414 So she said, 1399 00:36:51.454 --> 00:36:52.414 "You have none." 1400 00:36:53.000 --> 00:36:53.314 And she said, 1401 00:36:53.354 --> 00:36:53.980 "It's just better that you 1402 00:36:54.020 --> 00:36:54.820 replace your hormones 1403 00:36:54.860 --> 00:36:55.980 when you start to lose them." 1404 00:36:56.020 --> 00:36:57.944 And I'm like... 1405 00:36:57.984 --> 00:36:58.980 [groans] 1406 00:36:59.020 --> 00:36:59.735 So I started 1407 00:36:59.775 --> 00:37:00.980 taking testosterone, 1408 00:37:01.020 --> 00:37:01.825 which is, you know, 1409 00:37:01.865 --> 00:37:02.980 some cream you have to rub 1410 00:37:03.020 --> 00:37:03.340 on your leg 1411 00:37:03.380 --> 00:37:04.580 like an older woman. 1412 00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:05.689 And I was like, okay, well, 1413 00:37:05.729 --> 00:37:05.980 here we go. 1414 00:37:06.020 --> 00:37:06.803 I'm just heading 1415 00:37:06.843 --> 00:37:07.980 into elderly territory. 1416 00:37:08.020 --> 00:37:09.443 And then I go back 1417 00:37:09.483 --> 00:37:10.980 to the same doctor, 1418 00:37:11.020 --> 00:37:12.173 like, two months later 1419 00:37:12.213 --> 00:37:12.980 and I was like, 1420 00:37:13.020 --> 00:37:13.784 "My hair 1421 00:37:13.824 --> 00:37:15.980 is really thin on top. 1422 00:37:16.020 --> 00:37:16.431 Do you know what 1423 00:37:16.471 --> 00:37:16.980 that could be from?" 1424 00:37:17.020 --> 00:37:18.863 And she's like, "Well, 1425 00:37:18.903 --> 00:37:21.000 are you on testosterone?" 1426 00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:25.597 I'm like "Yeah--yeah, bitch, 1427 00:37:25.637 --> 00:37:27.077 you prescribed it to me. 1428 00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:28.584 "Don't you remember? 1429 00:37:28.624 --> 00:37:28.980 What are you? 1430 00:37:29.020 --> 00:37:30.126 A vet? 1431 00:37:30.166 --> 00:37:33.000 Are you a vet?" 1432 00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:34.389 And I said, "What 1433 00:37:34.429 --> 00:37:34.980 are the side effects of-- 1434 00:37:35.020 --> 00:37:36.180 I mean, what is testosterone 1435 00:37:36.220 --> 00:37:36.980 even doing for me?" 1436 00:37:37.020 --> 00:37:38.709 I mean, I don't want-- 1437 00:37:38.749 --> 00:37:40.980 I don't want to lose my hair. 1438 00:37:41.020 --> 00:37:42.546 And one of my eyelashes-- 1439 00:37:42.586 --> 00:37:42.980 I mean, 1440 00:37:43.020 --> 00:37:43.951 one of my eyes 1441 00:37:43.991 --> 00:37:44.980 is almost bald. 1442 00:37:45.020 --> 00:37:46.064 I have two eyelashes 1443 00:37:46.104 --> 00:37:46.980 that have come in 1444 00:37:47.020 --> 00:37:47.980 over the past two years. 1445 00:37:48.020 --> 00:37:50.980 Like, none will sprout. 1446 00:37:51.020 --> 00:37:52.185 And she says, "Well, 1447 00:37:52.225 --> 00:37:53.980 it helps with your sex drive." 1448 00:37:54.020 --> 00:37:56.110 I'm like, "So you want me 1449 00:37:56.150 --> 00:37:58.000 to be bald and horny?" 1450 00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:00.980 And then what? 1451 00:38:01.020 --> 00:38:02.273 What's the game plan 1452 00:38:02.313 --> 00:38:02.980 after that? 1453 00:38:03.020 --> 00:38:04.254 Just play solitaire 1454 00:38:04.294 --> 00:38:06.000 all by myself every night? 1455 00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:14.980 The thing is, I like older men. 1456 00:38:15.020 --> 00:38:16.171 When I was 20, that was fine, 1457 00:38:16.211 --> 00:38:16.980 'cause they were 40. 1458 00:38:17.020 --> 00:38:17.760 When I was 30, 1459 00:38:17.800 --> 00:38:18.980 I dated a 50-year-old. 1460 00:38:19.020 --> 00:38:20.153 When I was 35, 1461 00:38:20.193 --> 00:38:21.980 I dated a 55-year-old. 1462 00:38:22.020 --> 00:38:22.980 I'm 45. 1463 00:38:23.020 --> 00:38:24.043 I'm not down 1464 00:38:24.083 --> 00:38:26.000 to fuck a 65-year-old. 1465 00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:27.513 Okay, that margin 1466 00:38:27.553 --> 00:38:27.980 needs to close. 1467 00:38:28.020 --> 00:38:29.174 I'm all for 65-year-olds, 1468 00:38:29.214 --> 00:38:29.980 and I'll fuck you 1469 00:38:30.020 --> 00:38:30.980 when I get to be your age. 1470 00:38:31.020 --> 00:38:32.111 But not now. 1471 00:38:32.151 --> 00:38:33.980 It's--it's too much. 1472 00:38:34.020 --> 00:38:36.980 There is an age where men 1473 00:38:37.020 --> 00:38:38.919 either start to look 1474 00:38:38.959 --> 00:38:39.980 like women, 1475 00:38:40.020 --> 00:38:41.980 or they get the slippery lips, 1476 00:38:42.020 --> 00:38:43.929 where their mouths 1477 00:38:43.969 --> 00:38:45.980 turn into Jacuzzis. 1478 00:38:46.020 --> 00:38:48.980 And that's when I skedaddled. 1479 00:38:49.020 --> 00:38:51.172 Which brings me to the strong 1480 00:38:51.212 --> 00:38:52.980 and deep sexual feelings 1481 00:38:53.020 --> 00:38:55.197 that I have developed 1482 00:38:55.237 --> 00:38:57.000 for Andrew Cuomo. 1483 00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:01.800 I mean, I know we all feel it. 1484 00:39:02.000 --> 00:39:02.980 A lot of women are feeling it. 1485 00:39:03.020 --> 00:39:03.638 When he came on the scene, 1486 00:39:03.678 --> 00:39:03.980 he looked like 1487 00:39:04.020 --> 00:39:05.980 the Incredible Hulk also. 1488 00:39:06.020 --> 00:39:06.514 You know, 1489 00:39:06.554 --> 00:39:07.980 that big Italian gorilla. 1490 00:39:08.020 --> 00:39:08.327 It's like, 1491 00:39:08.367 --> 00:39:08.980 "Put on your mask," 1492 00:39:09.020 --> 00:39:09.251 I'm like, 1493 00:39:09.291 --> 00:39:10.791 "Oh, I'll put my mask on. 1494 00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:11.844 Oh yeah, I will. 1495 00:39:11.884 --> 00:39:12.980 I'll put on my mask." 1496 00:39:13.020 --> 00:39:13.987 He's the kind of asshole 1497 00:39:14.027 --> 00:39:14.980 that I will do shit for. 1498 00:39:15.020 --> 00:39:16.760 And you know he's an asshole, 1499 00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:17.670 and that's what I like 1500 00:39:17.710 --> 00:39:17.980 about him. 1501 00:39:18.020 --> 00:39:18.980 Like, an old-fashioned asshole, 1502 00:39:19.020 --> 00:39:20.604 somebody who's gonna tell me 1503 00:39:20.644 --> 00:39:21.980 to sit down and shut up. 1504 00:39:22.020 --> 00:39:22.980 I want him to flatten my curve 1505 00:39:23.020 --> 00:39:24.395 and then I wanna 1506 00:39:24.435 --> 00:39:25.980 flatten his curve. 1507 00:39:26.020 --> 00:39:28.042 And then I want us 1508 00:39:28.082 --> 00:39:29.980 to apex together. 1509 00:39:30.020 --> 00:39:31.433 And he can mansplain to me 1510 00:39:31.473 --> 00:39:32.980 all night long about fishing 1511 00:39:33.020 --> 00:39:33.916 or motorcycles 1512 00:39:33.956 --> 00:39:35.980 or whatever dumb shit he's into 1513 00:39:36.020 --> 00:39:36.545 that I will pretend 1514 00:39:36.585 --> 00:39:37.485 that I am into, 1515 00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:39.226 because that's how down 1516 00:39:39.266 --> 00:39:39.980 I am with him. 1517 00:39:40.020 --> 00:39:41.165 Guess who's not jerking 1518 00:39:41.205 --> 00:39:41.980 off into plants? 1519 00:39:42.020 --> 00:39:46.000 Andrew Cuomo. 1520 00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:51.980 I want him to govern me... 1521 00:39:52.020 --> 00:39:53.980 multiple times. 1522 00:39:54.020 --> 00:39:54.959 I imagine us spending 1523 00:39:54.999 --> 00:39:55.980 long weekends together 1524 00:39:56.020 --> 00:39:57.980 in the Adirondacks, 1525 00:39:58.020 --> 00:39:59.980 playing games of "Clue," 1526 00:40:00.020 --> 00:40:00.405 a game I thought 1527 00:40:00.445 --> 00:40:01.765 I had already mastered 1528 00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:03.297 that he's teaching me 1529 00:40:03.337 --> 00:40:04.980 entirely new strategies to. 1530 00:40:05.020 --> 00:40:05.980 I imagine him getting very sick 1531 00:40:06.020 --> 00:40:06.798 and me having 1532 00:40:06.838 --> 00:40:07.980 the only medication 1533 00:40:08.020 --> 00:40:09.980 that can make him better. 1534 00:40:10.020 --> 00:40:12.000 Two doxycycline... 1535 00:40:13.000 --> 00:40:14.980 twice a day for ten days. 1536 00:40:15.020 --> 00:40:16.980 Never on an empty stomach. 1537 00:40:17.020 --> 00:40:17.902 I would keep him 1538 00:40:17.942 --> 00:40:18.980 slightly dehydrated 1539 00:40:19.020 --> 00:40:20.804 so wouldn't get 1540 00:40:20.844 --> 00:40:22.980 the slippery lips. 1541 00:40:23.020 --> 00:40:23.598 Because he's got them. 1542 00:40:23.638 --> 00:40:23.980 He's got them. 1543 00:40:24.020 --> 00:40:25.576 He's on the cusp of exactly 1544 00:40:25.616 --> 00:40:26.980 what I'm talking about-- 1545 00:40:27.020 --> 00:40:28.054 that big mouth, 1546 00:40:28.094 --> 00:40:28.980 and it's wet, 1547 00:40:29.020 --> 00:40:29.536 and in two more years, 1548 00:40:29.576 --> 00:40:29.980 he's gonna be able 1549 00:40:30.020 --> 00:40:31.562 to swallow me 1550 00:40:31.602 --> 00:40:33.980 like a meatball sub. 1551 00:40:34.020 --> 00:40:35.049 But I need to get 1552 00:40:35.089 --> 00:40:35.980 in there quick, 1553 00:40:36.020 --> 00:40:37.085 because once the curve 1554 00:40:37.125 --> 00:40:37.980 flattens for good, 1555 00:40:38.020 --> 00:40:41.000 so will my crush. 1556 00:40:42.000 --> 00:40:43.098 I told Dan that I mostly 1557 00:40:43.138 --> 00:40:43.980 hook up on vacation 1558 00:40:44.020 --> 00:40:44.980 when I travel internationally, 1559 00:40:45.020 --> 00:40:46.036 'cause there's always 1560 00:40:46.076 --> 00:40:46.980 a language barrier, 1561 00:40:47.020 --> 00:40:47.887 and that works 1562 00:40:47.927 --> 00:40:48.980 to my advantage-- 1563 00:40:49.020 --> 00:40:49.929 when people can't really 1564 00:40:49.969 --> 00:40:50.980 understand what I'm saying. 1565 00:40:51.020 --> 00:40:52.980 We went on a scuba diving trip 1566 00:40:53.020 --> 00:40:54.336 with my girlfriend 1567 00:40:54.376 --> 00:40:55.980 for her 40th birthday. 1568 00:40:56.020 --> 00:40:56.434 And we all had 1569 00:40:56.474 --> 00:40:56.980 to get certified, 1570 00:40:57.020 --> 00:40:57.980 and I'm not really good 1571 00:40:58.020 --> 00:40:58.980 in a classroom setting. 1572 00:40:59.020 --> 00:41:00.980 So I wasn't paying attention, 1573 00:41:01.020 --> 00:41:02.023 and they were like, okay, 1574 00:41:02.063 --> 00:41:02.980 everyone needs a buddy. 1575 00:41:03.020 --> 00:41:03.633 I'm like, "I don't want to be 1576 00:41:03.673 --> 00:41:03.980 anybody's buddy, 1577 00:41:04.020 --> 00:41:05.662 "I-I'm not gonna help anybody 1578 00:41:05.702 --> 00:41:06.980 with their oxygen tank. 1579 00:41:07.020 --> 00:41:07.987 Like, everyone's--I can't-- 1580 00:41:08.027 --> 00:41:08.980 I'm not the girl for that." 1581 00:41:09.020 --> 00:41:10.144 So my cousin Molly 1582 00:41:10.184 --> 00:41:10.980 was my buddy. 1583 00:41:11.020 --> 00:41:11.468 I'm like, 1584 00:41:11.508 --> 00:41:12.980 "But I'm not gonna save you, 1585 00:41:13.020 --> 00:41:13.980 "so, like, we should split up, 1586 00:41:14.020 --> 00:41:15.010 and I should go with 1587 00:41:15.050 --> 00:41:15.980 one of the guides." 1588 00:41:16.020 --> 00:41:17.980 They had two divemasters. 1589 00:41:18.020 --> 00:41:20.249 And we're in French Polynesia, 1590 00:41:20.289 --> 00:41:21.980 and we're shark diving. 1591 00:41:22.020 --> 00:41:22.500 And I don't know 1592 00:41:22.540 --> 00:41:22.980 what I'm doing. 1593 00:41:23.020 --> 00:41:24.486 I'm just like, I can't 1594 00:41:24.526 --> 00:41:25.980 get my mask on normal. 1595 00:41:26.020 --> 00:41:26.672 And I'm already underwater 1596 00:41:26.712 --> 00:41:26.980 and shit is, 1597 00:41:27.020 --> 00:41:27.953 like, messed up 1598 00:41:27.993 --> 00:41:28.980 all of a sudden. 1599 00:41:29.020 --> 00:41:29.720 I'm, like, trying 1600 00:41:29.760 --> 00:41:30.980 to tie my sneaker underwater. 1601 00:41:31.020 --> 00:41:32.771 You know, that's the kind of 1602 00:41:32.811 --> 00:41:33.980 situation I was in. 1603 00:41:34.020 --> 00:41:36.980 And she pulls on my leg. 1604 00:41:37.020 --> 00:41:37.989 And I freak out, 1605 00:41:38.029 --> 00:41:38.980 and I look down, 1606 00:41:39.020 --> 00:41:40.011 and there's this huge 1607 00:41:40.051 --> 00:41:40.980 blacktip reef shark, 1608 00:41:41.020 --> 00:41:42.717 and underwater, you can't tell 1609 00:41:42.757 --> 00:41:43.980 if it's five feet away 1610 00:41:44.020 --> 00:41:44.980 or 20 feet away. 1611 00:41:45.020 --> 00:41:46.980 So I go to kick it immediately. 1612 00:41:47.020 --> 00:41:47.916 And I go back, 1613 00:41:47.956 --> 00:41:49.980 'cause I have my scuba tank on, 1614 00:41:50.020 --> 00:41:50.987 and my goggles 1615 00:41:51.027 --> 00:41:52.980 fill up with all this water, 1616 00:41:53.020 --> 00:41:54.980 and I can't see anything. 1617 00:41:55.020 --> 00:41:56.352 So I'm just sitting there, 1618 00:41:56.392 --> 00:41:57.980 waiting to be eaten by a shark, 1619 00:41:58.020 --> 00:41:58.980 and I can't see. 1620 00:41:59.020 --> 00:42:00.010 And you can't ascend 1621 00:42:00.050 --> 00:42:00.980 when you scuba dive 1622 00:42:01.020 --> 00:42:02.134 'cause you could hurt yourself 1623 00:42:02.174 --> 00:42:02.980 and your equilibrium-- 1624 00:42:03.020 --> 00:42:03.980 you can screw that up. 1625 00:42:04.020 --> 00:42:05.980 So I'm just panicking 1626 00:42:06.020 --> 00:42:06.836 and having, I think, 1627 00:42:06.876 --> 00:42:07.980 my very first panic attack. 1628 00:42:08.020 --> 00:42:08.922 I don't know what else 1629 00:42:08.962 --> 00:42:09.980 you could describe it as. 1630 00:42:10.020 --> 00:42:11.520 And I'm like, "Uhh, uhh!" 1631 00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:12.425 And all of a sudden, 1632 00:42:12.465 --> 00:42:12.980 my divemaster comes down, 1633 00:42:13.020 --> 00:42:14.312 smashes my mask against 1634 00:42:14.352 --> 00:42:15.980 my face, looks me in the eye, 1635 00:42:16.020 --> 00:42:16.826 and he's like... 1636 00:42:16.866 --> 00:42:17.980 [breathing] "Breathe." 1637 00:42:18.020 --> 00:42:18.730 And then he holds my hand. 1638 00:42:18.770 --> 00:42:18.980 I'm like, 1639 00:42:19.020 --> 00:42:22.000 "Oh, I'm gonna fuck you. 1640 00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:25.173 "I'm gonna--as soon as 1641 00:42:25.213 --> 00:42:25.980 we get to land, 1642 00:42:26.020 --> 00:42:26.415 "I'm gonna fuck 1643 00:42:26.455 --> 00:42:26.980 the shit out of you. 1644 00:42:27.020 --> 00:42:28.880 "This the hottest rescue 1645 00:42:28.920 --> 00:42:29.980 I've ever had. 1646 00:42:30.020 --> 00:42:31.303 Oh, my God, I love 1647 00:42:31.343 --> 00:42:32.980 a man in charge of me." 1648 00:42:33.020 --> 00:42:33.843 And then we did 1649 00:42:33.883 --> 00:42:34.980 the rest of our dive 1650 00:42:35.020 --> 00:42:35.983 holding hands 1651 00:42:36.023 --> 00:42:37.980 like an underwater couple. 1652 00:42:38.020 --> 00:42:38.980 I've never been so happy. 1653 00:42:39.020 --> 00:42:39.894 My friends were 1654 00:42:39.934 --> 00:42:40.980 all looking at me, 1655 00:42:41.020 --> 00:42:43.564 giving me the finger 1656 00:42:43.604 --> 00:42:44.980 underwater. 1657 00:42:45.020 --> 00:42:46.173 Then we got to the top 1658 00:42:46.213 --> 00:42:46.980 after our dive, 1659 00:42:47.020 --> 00:42:48.095 and we got in the little boat, 1660 00:42:48.135 --> 00:42:48.980 and he took his mask off 1661 00:42:49.020 --> 00:42:50.233 and I was like, 1662 00:42:50.273 --> 00:42:51.980 "Oh, whoopsie doodle. 1663 00:42:52.020 --> 00:42:53.985 You're gonna wanna 1664 00:42:54.025 --> 00:42:55.980 put that back on." 1665 00:42:56.020 --> 00:42:56.469 I was skiing in 1666 00:42:56.509 --> 00:42:56.980 Switzerland once 1667 00:42:57.020 --> 00:42:58.915 and I wiped out really badly 1668 00:42:58.955 --> 00:43:00.980 and I ended up tearing my ACL. 1669 00:43:01.020 --> 00:43:01.677 And so I'm, like, tumbling down 1670 00:43:01.717 --> 00:43:02.557 this mountain. 1671 00:43:03.000 --> 00:43:03.870 I was skiing 1672 00:43:03.910 --> 00:43:04.980 out of control, 1673 00:43:05.020 --> 00:43:06.980 and I paid the price for it. 1674 00:43:07.020 --> 00:43:07.752 And I--as I'm crashing, 1675 00:43:07.792 --> 00:43:07.980 I hear, 1676 00:43:08.020 --> 00:43:08.588 click, click, click, 1677 00:43:08.628 --> 00:43:08.980 click, click. 1678 00:43:09.020 --> 00:43:10.156 And I'm like, oh my God, 1679 00:43:10.196 --> 00:43:10.980 my legs are gone. 1680 00:43:11.020 --> 00:43:11.541 You know, like, 1681 00:43:11.581 --> 00:43:11.980 I'll just be 1682 00:43:12.020 --> 00:43:14.208 a floating neck 1683 00:43:14.248 --> 00:43:15.980 when I stop. 1684 00:43:16.020 --> 00:43:17.261 And I stopped, finally, 1685 00:43:17.301 --> 00:43:17.980 and I look up 1686 00:43:18.020 --> 00:43:19.980 at my Austrian ski guide, 1687 00:43:20.020 --> 00:43:20.415 and he's, like, 1688 00:43:20.455 --> 00:43:20.980 smoking a cigarette. 1689 00:43:21.020 --> 00:43:21.987 He's like... [in accent] 1690 00:43:22.027 --> 00:43:22.980 "You just tore your ACL. 1691 00:43:23.020 --> 00:43:24.980 Helicopter is coming." 1692 00:43:25.020 --> 00:43:26.698 I was like, "Helicopter? 1693 00:43:26.738 --> 00:43:27.980 This is exciting." 1694 00:43:28.020 --> 00:43:29.517 And a helicopter came in, 1695 00:43:29.557 --> 00:43:30.980 we're in the Swiss Alps, 1696 00:43:31.020 --> 00:43:31.909 and my three girlfriends 1697 00:43:31.949 --> 00:43:32.980 are just staring at me like, 1698 00:43:33.020 --> 00:43:34.980 "Again?" 1699 00:43:35.020 --> 00:43:36.599 And they come down, 1700 00:43:36.639 --> 00:43:38.980 and these two medics run out 1701 00:43:39.020 --> 00:43:39.885 and they run over to me 1702 00:43:39.925 --> 00:43:40.980 and I'm lying on the ground. 1703 00:43:41.020 --> 00:43:42.049 And they're like, 1704 00:43:42.089 --> 00:43:42.980 "Are you okay?" 1705 00:43:43.020 --> 00:43:44.514 And I'm trying to be tough. 1706 00:43:44.554 --> 00:43:45.980 I'm like, "Yes, I'm okay." 1707 00:43:46.020 --> 00:43:46.404 They're like, 1708 00:43:46.444 --> 00:43:46.980 "Are you in pain?" 1709 00:43:47.020 --> 00:43:47.980 I'm like, "Nope." 1710 00:43:48.020 --> 00:43:48.535 And they're like, 1711 00:43:48.575 --> 00:43:48.980 "No morphine?" 1712 00:43:49.020 --> 00:43:52.000 I'm like, "I'm in pain!" 1713 00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:56.863 And then they whisk me away 1714 00:43:56.903 --> 00:43:57.980 on the stretcher 1715 00:43:58.020 --> 00:43:59.341 back to the helicopter, 1716 00:43:59.381 --> 00:44:00.980 and I get in the helicopter. 1717 00:44:01.020 --> 00:44:01.836 The wind is blowing; 1718 00:44:01.876 --> 00:44:02.980 the propellers are blowing; 1719 00:44:03.020 --> 00:44:03.980 there's snow everywhere. 1720 00:44:04.020 --> 00:44:06.980 It was so romantic. 1721 00:44:07.020 --> 00:44:07.961 And I get in, and there's 1722 00:44:08.001 --> 00:44:08.980 two pilots and two medics. 1723 00:44:09.020 --> 00:44:10.201 I'm like, I'm gonna 1724 00:44:10.241 --> 00:44:11.980 fuck all four of these guys. 1725 00:44:12.020 --> 00:44:13.025 I'm like, this is gonna be 1726 00:44:13.065 --> 00:44:13.980 like a reverse gangbang. 1727 00:44:14.020 --> 00:44:16.980 Look at me. 1728 00:44:17.020 --> 00:44:18.248 So turned on, 1729 00:44:18.288 --> 00:44:20.980 so turned on by that rescue. 1730 00:44:21.020 --> 00:44:22.758 I was like... 1731 00:44:22.798 --> 00:44:23.980 [moaning] 1732 00:44:24.020 --> 00:44:25.916 But it was a 45-minute ride 1733 00:44:25.956 --> 00:44:26.980 to the hospital 1734 00:44:27.020 --> 00:44:27.931 and they had 1735 00:44:27.971 --> 00:44:29.980 these thick German accents 1736 00:44:30.020 --> 00:44:30.484 and I'm a Jew, 1737 00:44:30.524 --> 00:44:30.980 so I was like, 1738 00:44:31.020 --> 00:44:32.297 well, I'm not fuckin' 1739 00:44:32.337 --> 00:44:32.980 these guys. 1740 00:44:33.020 --> 00:44:34.723 Not giving these Nazis 1741 00:44:34.763 --> 00:44:35.980 another victory. 1742 00:44:36.020 --> 00:44:37.697 I'll take one of you, 1743 00:44:37.737 --> 00:44:40.000 but not all four, not today. 1744 00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:43.035 And when I finished 1745 00:44:43.075 --> 00:44:43.980 telling Dan that, 1746 00:44:44.020 --> 00:44:44.672 he was looking at me funny 1747 00:44:44.712 --> 00:44:44.980 and he said, 1748 00:44:45.020 --> 00:44:46.517 "You know, I really think 1749 00:44:46.557 --> 00:44:47.980 you need to settle down. 1750 00:44:48.020 --> 00:44:49.113 "You need to stop. 1751 00:44:49.153 --> 00:44:50.980 You're moving very, very fast. 1752 00:44:51.020 --> 00:44:51.980 "And it seems to me 1753 00:44:52.020 --> 00:44:53.232 that you could benefit a lot 1754 00:44:53.272 --> 00:44:53.980 from meditation." 1755 00:44:54.020 --> 00:44:55.347 And I was like... 1756 00:44:55.387 --> 00:44:55.980 [groans] 1757 00:44:56.020 --> 00:44:58.280 Meditation, to me, sounded like 1758 00:44:58.320 --> 00:44:59.980 room-temperature water. 1759 00:45:00.020 --> 00:45:01.004 And he said, "I want you 1760 00:45:01.044 --> 00:45:02.424 to commit to meditation 1761 00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:03.980 for three months." 1762 00:45:04.020 --> 00:45:04.980 And I was like, "Three months? 1763 00:45:05.020 --> 00:45:08.000 That's like a pregnancy." 1764 00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:13.270 And he was like, "Eh, 1765 00:45:13.310 --> 00:45:14.980 that's nine months, Chelsea. 1766 00:45:15.020 --> 00:45:16.122 Pregnancy is nine months, 1767 00:45:16.162 --> 00:45:16.980 and you know that." 1768 00:45:17.020 --> 00:45:18.283 I go, "You know what, Dan, 1769 00:45:18.323 --> 00:45:18.980 some are nine, 1770 00:45:19.020 --> 00:45:19.980 "some are three, some are one. 1771 00:45:20.020 --> 00:45:23.233 Don't even get me started, 1772 00:45:23.273 --> 00:45:24.000 okay." 1773 00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:27.559 And then cannabis became legal 1774 00:45:27.599 --> 00:45:28.980 in the state of California. 1775 00:45:29.020 --> 00:45:30.772 And there was all of this 1776 00:45:30.812 --> 00:45:32.980 education that has been missing 1777 00:45:33.020 --> 00:45:34.205 for all of these years 1778 00:45:34.245 --> 00:45:34.980 with cannabis. 1779 00:45:35.020 --> 00:45:35.354 You no longer had 1780 00:45:35.394 --> 00:45:36.960 to take a cookie and find out 1781 00:45:37.000 --> 00:45:39.165 you were on a transcontinental 1782 00:45:39.205 --> 00:45:40.980 flight seven hours later. 1783 00:45:41.020 --> 00:45:42.963 Cannabis became my gateway drug 1784 00:45:43.003 --> 00:45:43.980 into meditating. 1785 00:45:44.020 --> 00:45:44.380 It allowed me 1786 00:45:44.420 --> 00:45:44.980 to, like, slow down. 1787 00:45:45.020 --> 00:45:47.129 It was cannabis and meditation 1788 00:45:47.169 --> 00:45:47.980 and therapy. 1789 00:45:48.020 --> 00:45:48.485 And it was working. 1790 00:45:48.525 --> 00:45:49.665 I was slowing down. 1791 00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:51.071 And I was thinking 1792 00:45:51.111 --> 00:45:51.980 before I spoke, 1793 00:45:52.020 --> 00:45:53.283 which, before I met Dan, 1794 00:45:53.323 --> 00:45:53.980 was something 1795 00:45:54.020 --> 00:45:55.980 that never even occurred to me. 1796 00:45:56.020 --> 00:45:56.791 And with microdosing, 1797 00:45:56.831 --> 00:45:57.980 you know, you could take, like, 1798 00:45:58.020 --> 00:45:59.158 2 1/2 milligrams, 1799 00:45:59.198 --> 00:45:59.980 1 milligram, 1800 00:46:00.020 --> 00:46:00.760 5 milligrams-- 1801 00:46:00.800 --> 00:46:01.980 you take a blueberry-- 1802 00:46:02.020 --> 00:46:03.122 you're never gonna be 1803 00:46:03.162 --> 00:46:03.980 off your rocker. 1804 00:46:04.020 --> 00:46:04.980 It just sanded down the edges, 1805 00:46:05.020 --> 00:46:06.366 and I stopped watching the news 1806 00:46:06.406 --> 00:46:06.980 24 hours a day 1807 00:46:07.020 --> 00:46:09.022 and I stopped being so angry 1808 00:46:09.062 --> 00:46:10.980 at Donald Trump and Ivanka. 1809 00:46:11.020 --> 00:46:12.349 You know, I was able 1810 00:46:12.389 --> 00:46:13.980 to focus on other things 1811 00:46:14.020 --> 00:46:15.010 and I was able to be 1812 00:46:15.050 --> 00:46:15.980 happier and lighter 1813 00:46:16.020 --> 00:46:17.738 and I started drinking less, 1814 00:46:17.778 --> 00:46:18.980 which was a sentence 1815 00:46:19.020 --> 00:46:20.770 that I thought would never ever 1816 00:46:20.810 --> 00:46:21.980 come out of my mouth. 1817 00:46:22.020 --> 00:46:22.986 And I was so excited 1818 00:46:23.026 --> 00:46:23.980 because now cannabis 1819 00:46:24.020 --> 00:46:25.533 can be a drug that you control, 1820 00:46:25.573 --> 00:46:26.980 not a drug that controls you. 1821 00:46:27.020 --> 00:46:28.360 So I was excited about 1822 00:46:28.400 --> 00:46:29.980 the prospects of cannabis, 1823 00:46:30.020 --> 00:46:30.980 not only in my life, 1824 00:46:31.020 --> 00:46:32.485 but all my friends' 1825 00:46:32.525 --> 00:46:33.980 and family's lives. 1826 00:46:34.020 --> 00:46:34.968 All the people I've been 1827 00:46:35.008 --> 00:46:35.980 prescribing medication to 1828 00:46:36.020 --> 00:46:38.258 were now getting cannabis 1829 00:46:38.298 --> 00:46:38.980 instead. 1830 00:46:39.020 --> 00:46:39.706 Anybody who had trouble 1831 00:46:39.746 --> 00:46:40.286 sleeping, 1832 00:46:41.000 --> 00:46:41.980 I'm like, try this gummy. 1833 00:46:42.020 --> 00:46:42.943 Anybody who had anxiety, 1834 00:46:42.983 --> 00:46:43.980 I'm like, try this edible, 1835 00:46:44.020 --> 00:46:45.341 try this mint, try this 1836 00:46:45.381 --> 00:46:46.980 chocolate-covered blueberry. 1837 00:46:47.020 --> 00:46:47.810 It was helping 1838 00:46:47.850 --> 00:46:48.980 all sorts of people, 1839 00:46:49.020 --> 00:46:50.103 and I was doing research 1840 00:46:50.143 --> 00:46:50.980 and collecting data 1841 00:46:51.020 --> 00:46:52.520 and I was keeping notes 1842 00:46:52.560 --> 00:46:54.000 in my medical journal. 1843 00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:56.030 The best part, I think, 1844 00:46:56.070 --> 00:46:56.980 about edibles is that 1845 00:46:57.020 --> 00:46:58.149 you take a little edible, 1846 00:46:58.189 --> 00:46:58.980 and then sometimes 1847 00:46:59.020 --> 00:47:00.980 you forget you've taken one, 1848 00:47:01.020 --> 00:47:02.042 and then, like, 45 minutes 1849 00:47:02.082 --> 00:47:03.462 later, you're like, mm, 1850 00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:05.540 everything's a little bit 1851 00:47:05.580 --> 00:47:06.980 more sparkly, you know? 1852 00:47:07.020 --> 00:47:08.027 Everybody's a little bit 1853 00:47:08.067 --> 00:47:08.980 less fuckin' annoying, 1854 00:47:09.020 --> 00:47:10.510 and you're like, yeah, I could 1855 00:47:10.550 --> 00:47:11.980 talk to you for another hour. 1856 00:47:12.020 --> 00:47:13.646 So my family came out 1857 00:47:13.686 --> 00:47:14.980 to visit me in LA 1858 00:47:15.020 --> 00:47:15.980 for Thanksgiving, 1859 00:47:16.020 --> 00:47:16.843 and my sister's 1860 00:47:16.883 --> 00:47:18.083 a recovering Mormon, 1861 00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:21.081 and I said, "Hey, I want you 1862 00:47:21.121 --> 00:47:21.980 to try this. 1863 00:47:22.020 --> 00:47:22.554 "Like, I know you don't like 1864 00:47:22.594 --> 00:47:22.980 fun, but do you wanna 1865 00:47:23.020 --> 00:47:25.094 try this chocolate-covered 1866 00:47:25.134 --> 00:47:25.980 blueberry?" 1867 00:47:26.020 --> 00:47:26.405 I said, "I think 1868 00:47:26.445 --> 00:47:26.980 you're gonna like it." 1869 00:47:27.020 --> 00:47:27.349 And she's like, 1870 00:47:27.389 --> 00:47:27.980 "Yeah, yeah, I'll try it." 1871 00:47:28.020 --> 00:47:29.980 And she loved it. 1872 00:47:30.020 --> 00:47:30.670 She came back into the kitchen 1873 00:47:30.710 --> 00:47:31.550 an hour later. 1874 00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:32.869 She goes, "Oh, sissy, 1875 00:47:32.909 --> 00:47:33.980 I feel so warm and fuzzy." 1876 00:47:34.020 --> 00:47:35.980 I go, "Isn't it great?" 1877 00:47:36.020 --> 00:47:36.417 And she goes, 1878 00:47:36.457 --> 00:47:36.980 "Oh, my God, yes. 1879 00:47:37.020 --> 00:47:37.818 "This is, like, 1880 00:47:37.858 --> 00:47:38.980 better than drinking. 1881 00:47:39.020 --> 00:47:39.861 This is just-- 1882 00:47:39.901 --> 00:47:40.980 I love everybody." 1883 00:47:41.020 --> 00:47:41.922 And I'm like, "I know. 1884 00:47:41.962 --> 00:47:42.980 Do you want another one?" 1885 00:47:43.020 --> 00:47:44.011 She said, "Can I?" 1886 00:47:44.051 --> 00:47:44.980 I go, "Oh, yeah." 1887 00:47:45.020 --> 00:47:46.341 And I put in my medical 1888 00:47:46.381 --> 00:47:48.061 journal, "She's taking two." 1889 00:47:53.000 --> 00:47:54.092 An hour later, she walked 1890 00:47:54.132 --> 00:47:54.980 into the living room 1891 00:47:55.020 --> 00:47:55.955 from the kitchen 1892 00:47:55.995 --> 00:47:56.980 with a frozen ham 1893 00:47:57.020 --> 00:47:59.980 underneath her arm. 1894 00:48:00.020 --> 00:48:01.160 And I'm like, "What--what-- 1895 00:48:01.200 --> 00:48:01.980 what's that about?" 1896 00:48:02.020 --> 00:48:03.412 I'm like, "You wanna 1897 00:48:03.452 --> 00:48:04.980 cook a ham right now?" 1898 00:48:05.020 --> 00:48:06.624 She's like, "No, I just opened 1899 00:48:06.664 --> 00:48:07.980 the freezer and saw this, 1900 00:48:08.020 --> 00:48:11.000 and it reminded me of Mom." 1901 00:48:12.000 --> 00:48:13.706 I was like, "Oh, sissy, 1902 00:48:13.746 --> 00:48:14.980 let's go to bed." 1903 00:48:15.020 --> 00:48:15.986 So we went upstairs, 1904 00:48:16.026 --> 00:48:16.980 and we got into bed. 1905 00:48:17.020 --> 00:48:17.841 I took the frozen ham 1906 00:48:17.881 --> 00:48:18.980 and I threw it in the sauna. 1907 00:48:19.020 --> 00:48:21.032 I was like, this will be ready 1908 00:48:21.072 --> 00:48:22.000 at some point. 1909 00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:24.443 And we got into bed, 1910 00:48:24.483 --> 00:48:25.863 and we were just, like, 1911 00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:27.143 snuggling and cuddling 1912 00:48:27.183 --> 00:48:27.980 like sisters do, 1913 00:48:28.020 --> 00:48:29.038 and we were laughing 1914 00:48:29.078 --> 00:48:29.980 and it was so fun. 1915 00:48:30.020 --> 00:48:30.711 And it was like 1916 00:48:30.751 --> 00:48:31.980 we were like little girls. 1917 00:48:32.020 --> 00:48:32.573 And she was like, 1918 00:48:32.613 --> 00:48:32.980 "Oh, my God. 1919 00:48:33.020 --> 00:48:34.980 This the best feeling." 1920 00:48:35.020 --> 00:48:35.620 She's like, "I can't believe 1921 00:48:35.660 --> 00:48:35.980 we're in our 40s 1922 00:48:36.020 --> 00:48:36.985 "and we still get 1923 00:48:37.025 --> 00:48:37.980 to act like this. 1924 00:48:38.020 --> 00:48:39.839 How long are we gonna be able 1925 00:48:39.879 --> 00:48:40.980 to act like this?" 1926 00:48:41.020 --> 00:48:42.333 And I'm like, "Sissy, we will 1927 00:48:42.373 --> 00:48:42.980 always be able 1928 00:48:43.020 --> 00:48:43.980 to act like this." 1929 00:48:44.020 --> 00:48:45.352 And then I stuck my finger 1930 00:48:45.392 --> 00:48:45.980 in her butt, 1931 00:48:46.020 --> 00:48:49.000 and she passed right out. 1932 00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:53.146 So I walked into Dan's office 1933 00:48:53.186 --> 00:48:54.446 after my family left, 1934 00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:55.980 and I was like, "Hey, Dan." 1935 00:48:56.020 --> 00:48:56.125 I go, 1936 00:48:56.165 --> 00:48:57.965 "Cannabis has changed my life. 1937 00:48:58.000 --> 00:48:58.980 I'm meditating"-- 1938 00:48:59.020 --> 00:49:00.317 I was meditating every morning 1939 00:49:00.357 --> 00:49:00.980 for 20 minutes. 1940 00:49:01.020 --> 00:49:01.980 I was going to the airport. 1941 00:49:02.020 --> 00:49:02.886 I wasn't even going 1942 00:49:02.926 --> 00:49:03.980 to the Fox News lounge. 1943 00:49:04.020 --> 00:49:04.980 I wasn't yelling at people 1944 00:49:05.020 --> 00:49:06.257 who disagreed with me 1945 00:49:06.297 --> 00:49:06.980 politically. 1946 00:49:07.020 --> 00:49:07.539 I was trying 1947 00:49:07.579 --> 00:49:08.980 to have compassion and empathy. 1948 00:49:09.020 --> 00:49:10.980 And I was being more patient, 1949 00:49:11.020 --> 00:49:12.672 and I was holding my tongue 1950 00:49:12.712 --> 00:49:12.980 more. 1951 00:49:13.020 --> 00:49:13.536 And I said, "You know, 1952 00:49:13.576 --> 00:49:13.980 listen, Dan, like, 1953 00:49:14.020 --> 00:49:14.849 "cannabis is the way 1954 00:49:14.889 --> 00:49:15.980 to keep families together. 1955 00:49:16.020 --> 00:49:17.260 "Like, this is the best 1956 00:49:17.300 --> 00:49:18.980 family vacation we've ever had. 1957 00:49:19.020 --> 00:49:21.688 Like, everyone got along. 1958 00:49:21.728 --> 00:49:22.980 It was fun." 1959 00:49:23.020 --> 00:49:23.436 And he said, "Great. 1960 00:49:23.476 --> 00:49:23.980 I'm in support of that." 1961 00:49:24.020 --> 00:49:25.301 And he handed me an orange, 1962 00:49:25.341 --> 00:49:25.980 very casually. 1963 00:49:26.020 --> 00:49:27.573 He said, "Hey, I picked this 1964 00:49:27.613 --> 00:49:28.980 off my tree this morning. 1965 00:49:29.020 --> 00:49:30.357 I thought you might like 1966 00:49:30.397 --> 00:49:30.980 an orange." 1967 00:49:31.020 --> 00:49:34.000 And I was revolted. 1968 00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:35.458 I was like, "Orange?" 1969 00:49:35.498 --> 00:49:35.980 I'm like, first of all, 1970 00:49:36.020 --> 00:49:37.072 he knows how I feel 1971 00:49:37.112 --> 00:49:37.980 about this color 1972 00:49:38.020 --> 00:49:41.000 since the election. 1973 00:49:47.000 --> 00:49:48.980 And then I burst into tears, 1974 00:49:49.020 --> 00:49:49.906 and I was so embarrassed, 1975 00:49:49.946 --> 00:49:50.980 'cause he had not seen me cry 1976 00:49:51.020 --> 00:49:51.587 and I didn't want him 1977 00:49:51.627 --> 00:49:51.980 to see me cry. 1978 00:49:52.020 --> 00:49:53.399 And I immediately put up 1979 00:49:53.439 --> 00:49:53.980 the orange 1980 00:49:54.020 --> 00:49:54.980 in front of my eyes. 1981 00:49:55.020 --> 00:49:55.980 I was, like, holding it, 1982 00:49:56.020 --> 00:49:57.283 and then I was stabbing it 1983 00:49:57.323 --> 00:49:57.980 with my thumb, 1984 00:49:58.020 --> 00:50:00.010 so the citrus was squirting 1985 00:50:00.050 --> 00:50:00.980 into my eyes. 1986 00:50:01.020 --> 00:50:01.980 I was like, "Ow, shit." 1987 00:50:02.020 --> 00:50:03.980 And then I was really crying, 1988 00:50:04.020 --> 00:50:04.501 and then I was, like, 1989 00:50:04.541 --> 00:50:04.980 convulsively crying. 1990 00:50:05.020 --> 00:50:06.244 And there was snot 1991 00:50:06.284 --> 00:50:07.980 coming out of everywhere. 1992 00:50:08.020 --> 00:50:08.841 And then at one point, 1993 00:50:08.881 --> 00:50:09.980 somehow, snot had alley-ooped 1994 00:50:10.020 --> 00:50:11.404 up to my forehead and then 1995 00:50:11.444 --> 00:50:12.980 dropped back down to my chin. 1996 00:50:13.020 --> 00:50:13.980 I looked like Brett Kavanaugh 1997 00:50:14.020 --> 00:50:15.773 during his senate 1998 00:50:15.813 --> 00:50:17.980 confirmation hearing. 1999 00:50:18.020 --> 00:50:21.000 [imitates wailing] 2000 00:50:22.000 --> 00:50:24.980 Like a big white male baby. 2001 00:50:25.020 --> 00:50:26.980 [groans] 2002 00:50:27.020 --> 00:50:29.000 And finally, I dropped it. 2003 00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:31.200 And I looked at him, 2004 00:50:32.000 --> 00:50:34.980 and I knew I had no way out. 2005 00:50:35.020 --> 00:50:36.533 And I said, "I need to tell you 2006 00:50:36.573 --> 00:50:37.980 about the day my brother died 2007 00:50:38.020 --> 00:50:39.631 and what happened 2008 00:50:39.671 --> 00:50:40.980 to my family." 2009 00:50:41.020 --> 00:50:41.887 And I told him 2010 00:50:41.927 --> 00:50:42.980 about my brother, 2011 00:50:43.020 --> 00:50:44.042 that there were six of us, 2012 00:50:44.082 --> 00:50:44.980 and I was the youngest. 2013 00:50:45.020 --> 00:50:46.185 I was the baby, and my brother 2014 00:50:46.225 --> 00:50:46.980 Chet was the oldest. 2015 00:50:47.020 --> 00:50:49.012 He was the only family member 2016 00:50:49.052 --> 00:50:49.980 who understood 2017 00:50:50.020 --> 00:50:50.753 that I was born 2018 00:50:50.793 --> 00:50:51.980 going through menopause, 2019 00:50:52.020 --> 00:50:54.980 that I was a sweaty baby, 2020 00:50:55.020 --> 00:50:56.695 you know, and that eventually 2021 00:50:56.735 --> 00:50:57.980 I would have to retire 2022 00:50:58.020 --> 00:50:59.107 somewhere probably 2023 00:50:59.147 --> 00:50:59.980 in the Arctic. 2024 00:51:00.020 --> 00:51:01.352 And he was the only person 2025 00:51:01.392 --> 00:51:01.980 in my family 2026 00:51:02.020 --> 00:51:03.185 who knew that when I ate soup, 2027 00:51:03.225 --> 00:51:03.980 I had to be topless, 2028 00:51:04.020 --> 00:51:05.011 'cause I would 2029 00:51:05.051 --> 00:51:07.000 immediately start sweating. 2030 00:51:09.000 --> 00:51:11.006 And when I was a little girl, 2031 00:51:11.046 --> 00:51:11.980 that was fine. 2032 00:51:12.020 --> 00:51:13.430 And--but when I was eight, 2033 00:51:13.470 --> 00:51:13.980 I remember 2034 00:51:14.020 --> 00:51:15.054 we had this summer house 2035 00:51:15.094 --> 00:51:15.980 in Martha's Vineyard, 2036 00:51:16.020 --> 00:51:17.646 and my--my--my, like, 2037 00:51:17.686 --> 00:51:18.980 buds had come in. 2038 00:51:19.020 --> 00:51:20.111 You know, they weren't 2039 00:51:20.151 --> 00:51:20.980 really boobs yet, 2040 00:51:21.020 --> 00:51:21.609 but they were just, like, 2041 00:51:21.649 --> 00:51:21.980 flappy titties, 2042 00:51:22.020 --> 00:51:22.881 where your, like, 2043 00:51:22.921 --> 00:51:23.980 nipple just goes down 2044 00:51:24.020 --> 00:51:25.441 before it's gonna burst, 2045 00:51:25.481 --> 00:51:25.980 you know. 2046 00:51:26.020 --> 00:51:27.307 And I remember hearing 2047 00:51:27.347 --> 00:51:28.980 my father say to my brother, 2048 00:51:29.020 --> 00:51:29.963 "You gotta cover her up 2049 00:51:30.003 --> 00:51:31.443 if you go into town now. 2050 00:51:32.000 --> 00:51:32.412 Like, she can't 2051 00:51:32.452 --> 00:51:32.980 be topless anymore." 2052 00:51:33.020 --> 00:51:33.980 'Cause I walked around topless 2053 00:51:34.020 --> 00:51:35.980 my entire childhood. 2054 00:51:36.020 --> 00:51:37.980 And I remember hearing that. 2055 00:51:38.020 --> 00:51:38.735 I'm like, "Ugh. 2056 00:51:38.775 --> 00:51:39.980 What's he talking about?" 2057 00:51:40.020 --> 00:51:41.341 And my brother 2058 00:51:41.381 --> 00:51:42.980 took me into town 2059 00:51:43.020 --> 00:51:43.438 to go to this place 2060 00:51:43.478 --> 00:51:44.858 called the Quarterdeck, 2061 00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:45.582 where we would always 2062 00:51:45.622 --> 00:51:45.980 get fast food. 2063 00:51:46.020 --> 00:51:47.011 We would get--I mean, 2064 00:51:47.051 --> 00:51:47.980 it wasn't fast food, 2065 00:51:48.020 --> 00:51:48.598 but it was, like, you know, 2066 00:51:48.638 --> 00:51:48.980 a Vineyard place. 2067 00:51:49.020 --> 00:51:49.929 You get takeout, 2068 00:51:49.969 --> 00:51:50.980 like, fried clams, 2069 00:51:51.020 --> 00:51:51.980 or a lobster roll 2070 00:51:52.020 --> 00:51:52.296 or steamers 2071 00:51:52.336 --> 00:51:52.980 or whatever you're into. 2072 00:51:53.020 --> 00:51:54.079 And I remember that day. 2073 00:51:54.119 --> 00:51:54.980 I was sitting there, 2074 00:51:55.020 --> 00:51:55.485 and I was holding 2075 00:51:55.525 --> 00:51:55.980 my brother's hand 2076 00:51:56.020 --> 00:51:57.195 at the takeout counter, 2077 00:51:57.235 --> 00:51:57.980 and I was like, 2078 00:51:58.020 --> 00:51:58.980 "I'll have the clam chowder." 2079 00:51:59.020 --> 00:52:00.980 He's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." 2080 00:52:01.020 --> 00:52:02.244 He goes, "No cla-- 2081 00:52:02.284 --> 00:52:04.000 let's not do soup today." 2082 00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:05.568 And I said, "What do you mean? 2083 00:52:05.608 --> 00:52:05.980 I want clam chowder." 2084 00:52:06.020 --> 00:52:08.135 He's like, "Ehh, that's not-- 2085 00:52:08.175 --> 00:52:09.980 we can't have that today. 2086 00:52:10.020 --> 00:52:11.980 "Like, we can take it to go, 2087 00:52:12.020 --> 00:52:12.986 "but we can't sit out 2088 00:52:13.026 --> 00:52:13.980 and eat clam chowder. 2089 00:52:14.020 --> 00:52:15.669 We'll explain it to you 2090 00:52:15.709 --> 00:52:16.980 when we get home." 2091 00:52:17.020 --> 00:52:17.769 And I was like, 2092 00:52:17.809 --> 00:52:18.980 "But I really want it." 2093 00:52:19.020 --> 00:52:20.980 And he said, "Okay. 2094 00:52:21.020 --> 00:52:21.534 "If you really want it, 2095 00:52:21.574 --> 00:52:22.714 we can go in my car 2096 00:52:23.000 --> 00:52:23.582 and you can eat it 2097 00:52:23.622 --> 00:52:23.980 in the car." 2098 00:52:24.020 --> 00:52:24.791 And I was like, 2099 00:52:24.831 --> 00:52:25.980 "All right, whatever." 2100 00:52:26.020 --> 00:52:28.980 And I'll never forget that day. 2101 00:52:29.020 --> 00:52:30.980 I sat in my brother's car 2102 00:52:31.020 --> 00:52:33.880 eating my clam chowder 2103 00:52:33.920 --> 00:52:35.980 with my top off, 2104 00:52:36.020 --> 00:52:38.000 just sweating. 2105 00:52:39.000 --> 00:52:40.980 And my brother had his back 2106 00:52:41.020 --> 00:52:41.806 against the passenger's side 2107 00:52:41.846 --> 00:52:41.980 window 2108 00:52:42.020 --> 00:52:43.594 to cover up the little 2109 00:52:43.634 --> 00:52:44.980 eight-year-old girl 2110 00:52:45.020 --> 00:52:48.000 that was nude in his car. 2111 00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:52.000 Just like R. Kelly. 2112 00:52:57.000 --> 00:52:58.146 And we used to have this game 2113 00:52:58.186 --> 00:52:58.980 where we'd be, like-- 2114 00:52:59.020 --> 00:53:00.299 he'd come home from work, 2115 00:53:00.339 --> 00:53:00.980 and he'd come 2116 00:53:01.020 --> 00:53:01.980 running up to my parents' room, 2117 00:53:02.020 --> 00:53:03.165 and I was always hiding 2118 00:53:03.205 --> 00:53:03.980 under the covers 2119 00:53:04.020 --> 00:53:05.980 in my mom's bed. 2120 00:53:06.020 --> 00:53:06.887 And he'd come up and go, 2121 00:53:06.927 --> 00:53:07.980 "Where is she? Where is she?" 2122 00:53:08.020 --> 00:53:08.420 It'd be, like, 2123 00:53:08.460 --> 00:53:08.980 at 11:00 at night. 2124 00:53:09.020 --> 00:53:10.062 And I'd hide under the covers 2125 00:53:10.102 --> 00:53:10.980 and my mom would be like, 2126 00:53:11.020 --> 00:53:12.980 "She's not here." 2127 00:53:13.020 --> 00:53:14.052 And I'd be like, 2128 00:53:14.092 --> 00:53:14.980 "Shut up, Mom. 2129 00:53:15.020 --> 00:53:16.980 You're not even in this game." 2130 00:53:17.020 --> 00:53:17.791 And then he'd grab me 2131 00:53:17.831 --> 00:53:18.980 by the ankles under the covers, 2132 00:53:19.020 --> 00:53:20.062 throw me over his shoulders 2133 00:53:20.102 --> 00:53:20.980 and we'd run downstairs 2134 00:53:21.020 --> 00:53:22.263 and we'd go into the kitchen 2135 00:53:22.303 --> 00:53:22.980 and I'd make him 2136 00:53:23.020 --> 00:53:24.980 a big bowl of Raisin Bran. 2137 00:53:25.020 --> 00:53:25.849 And I knew the exact 2138 00:53:25.889 --> 00:53:26.980 right ratio of Raisin Bran 2139 00:53:27.020 --> 00:53:28.107 to bananas to milk 2140 00:53:28.147 --> 00:53:28.980 that he liked. 2141 00:53:29.020 --> 00:53:29.980 And I would make him his dinner 2142 00:53:30.020 --> 00:53:31.261 and then we'd sit there 2143 00:53:31.301 --> 00:53:31.980 like a couple 2144 00:53:32.020 --> 00:53:33.980 and talk about our day. 2145 00:53:34.020 --> 00:53:35.276 And I remember him telling me 2146 00:53:35.316 --> 00:53:35.980 he wasn't coming 2147 00:53:36.020 --> 00:53:36.980 to Martha's Vineyard that year 2148 00:53:37.020 --> 00:53:38.097 because he was going 2149 00:53:38.137 --> 00:53:38.980 on a hiking trip 2150 00:53:39.020 --> 00:53:39.980 in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. 2151 00:53:40.020 --> 00:53:41.062 And I was mad because I would 2152 00:53:41.102 --> 00:53:41.980 always drive up with him, 2153 00:53:42.020 --> 00:53:42.745 and he would leave 2154 00:53:42.785 --> 00:53:43.980 the window down the whole way 2155 00:53:44.020 --> 00:53:45.728 so I could have fresh air 2156 00:53:45.768 --> 00:53:46.980 blowing in my face 2157 00:53:47.020 --> 00:53:49.000 and be topless. 2158 00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:51.317 And he said, "Don't worry. 2159 00:53:51.357 --> 00:53:51.980 I'll meet you 2160 00:53:52.020 --> 00:53:53.980 "in two weeks on the Vineyard. 2161 00:53:54.020 --> 00:53:55.133 I will never, ever 2162 00:53:55.173 --> 00:53:57.000 leave you with these people." 2163 00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:00.153 And then he went 2164 00:54:00.193 --> 00:54:01.980 to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, 2165 00:54:02.020 --> 00:54:03.719 and fell off a cliff 2166 00:54:03.759 --> 00:54:06.000 and died three days later. 2167 00:54:09.000 --> 00:54:10.660 [voice breaking] 2168 00:54:10.700 --> 00:54:12.980 And Dan said, "What... 2169 00:54:13.020 --> 00:54:14.980 then what happened?" 2170 00:54:15.020 --> 00:54:17.980 And I said, "I just-- 2171 00:54:18.020 --> 00:54:18.826 "I just remember 2172 00:54:18.866 --> 00:54:19.980 going into the kitchen 2173 00:54:20.020 --> 00:54:21.075 "and throwing away 2174 00:54:21.115 --> 00:54:21.980 all the cereal. 2175 00:54:22.020 --> 00:54:23.056 "Like, cereal was over. 2176 00:54:23.096 --> 00:54:23.980 It was a wrap on it. 2177 00:54:24.020 --> 00:54:25.986 "Childhood was over. 2178 00:54:26.026 --> 00:54:27.980 Our family was over. 2179 00:54:28.020 --> 00:54:29.097 I haven't had cereal 2180 00:54:29.137 --> 00:54:30.097 since that day." 2181 00:54:34.000 --> 00:54:35.180 And he said, "What happened 2182 00:54:35.220 --> 00:54:35.980 with your family?" 2183 00:54:36.020 --> 00:54:36.980 And I said, "It was awful." 2184 00:54:37.020 --> 00:54:38.168 My father was 2185 00:54:38.208 --> 00:54:39.980 this big, strong man 2186 00:54:40.020 --> 00:54:41.135 who was in charge of everything 2187 00:54:41.175 --> 00:54:41.980 and didn't fuck around. 2188 00:54:42.020 --> 00:54:43.980 I'd never seen my father cry. 2189 00:54:44.020 --> 00:54:45.980 And I remember sitting shiva-- 2190 00:54:46.020 --> 00:54:47.111 you know, what Jews do 2191 00:54:47.151 --> 00:54:48.171 when people die-- 2192 00:54:49.000 --> 00:54:49.923 with all these relatives 2193 00:54:49.963 --> 00:54:50.980 and neighbors and strangers 2194 00:54:51.020 --> 00:54:52.273 coming to our house, 2195 00:54:52.313 --> 00:54:52.980 and my dad, 2196 00:54:53.020 --> 00:54:54.485 who was so strong 2197 00:54:54.525 --> 00:54:55.980 and so in charge, 2198 00:54:56.020 --> 00:54:57.486 sitting on the couch 2199 00:54:57.526 --> 00:54:58.980 like a baby, crying. 2200 00:54:59.020 --> 00:55:00.487 And I was looking at him, 2201 00:55:00.527 --> 00:55:01.980 and I was so embarrassed. 2202 00:55:02.020 --> 00:55:02.695 I was like, 2203 00:55:02.735 --> 00:55:03.980 "What are you doing? 2204 00:55:04.020 --> 00:55:04.529 "What is happening, 2205 00:55:04.569 --> 00:55:05.529 what--he's dead, 2206 00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:06.517 "and you're gonna di-- 2207 00:55:06.557 --> 00:55:06.980 what are you doing? 2208 00:55:07.020 --> 00:55:08.113 "Where the fuck 2209 00:55:08.153 --> 00:55:09.980 are the adults right now? 2210 00:55:10.020 --> 00:55:11.201 I'm nine, I-- 2211 00:55:11.241 --> 00:55:13.000 what is happening?" 2212 00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:17.389 And I remember, I thought, 2213 00:55:17.429 --> 00:55:17.980 oh, I got-- 2214 00:55:18.020 --> 00:55:18.980 I gotta grow up. 2215 00:55:19.020 --> 00:55:20.985 This is--this is it. 2216 00:55:21.025 --> 00:55:21.980 It's over. 2217 00:55:22.020 --> 00:55:24.370 And at some point, we went back 2218 00:55:24.410 --> 00:55:25.980 to Martha's Vineyard, 2219 00:55:26.020 --> 00:55:27.117 to our summer house, and my dad 2220 00:55:27.157 --> 00:55:27.980 was sitting on the deck, 2221 00:55:28.020 --> 00:55:29.336 and we had a house 2222 00:55:29.376 --> 00:55:30.980 in front of the water. 2223 00:55:31.020 --> 00:55:31.980 And he was sitting on the deck, 2224 00:55:32.020 --> 00:55:33.350 and my parents' faces had 2225 00:55:33.390 --> 00:55:34.980 changed after my brother died. 2226 00:55:35.020 --> 00:55:36.527 They were just old, 2227 00:55:36.567 --> 00:55:37.980 all of the sudden. 2228 00:55:38.020 --> 00:55:38.960 And they were gray-- 2229 00:55:39.000 --> 00:55:39.980 and gray in the face, 2230 00:55:40.020 --> 00:55:41.980 and I wanted joy back. 2231 00:55:42.020 --> 00:55:42.390 I didn't know 2232 00:55:42.430 --> 00:55:42.980 what was happening. 2233 00:55:43.020 --> 00:55:44.283 I just wanted to bring joy 2234 00:55:44.323 --> 00:55:44.980 to them again. 2235 00:55:45.020 --> 00:55:47.162 I wanted them to laugh again. 2236 00:55:47.202 --> 00:55:47.980 I wanted... 2237 00:55:48.020 --> 00:55:50.000 anything to happen. 2238 00:55:51.000 --> 00:55:51.980 And I remember I walked outside 2239 00:55:52.020 --> 00:55:53.135 and I saw my father 2240 00:55:53.175 --> 00:55:53.980 sitting there, 2241 00:55:54.020 --> 00:55:54.980 just holding his head. 2242 00:55:55.020 --> 00:55:56.360 And it was a beautiful 2243 00:55:56.400 --> 00:55:56.980 sunny day, 2244 00:55:57.020 --> 00:55:58.340 and I said, "Hey, Dad, 2245 00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:00.067 "can we please just 2246 00:56:00.107 --> 00:56:00.980 go in the water? 2247 00:56:01.020 --> 00:56:01.980 I was like, "Please?" 2248 00:56:02.020 --> 00:56:02.564 And he said, 2249 00:56:02.604 --> 00:56:04.344 "No one's going in the water. 2250 00:56:05.000 --> 00:56:06.980 My boy is dead." 2251 00:56:07.020 --> 00:56:09.980 And I walked off the deck, 2252 00:56:10.020 --> 00:56:10.760 and I thought, 2253 00:56:10.800 --> 00:56:11.980 I'm gonna go in alone. 2254 00:56:12.020 --> 00:56:12.832 And the only rule 2255 00:56:12.872 --> 00:56:13.980 in my family growing up 2256 00:56:14.020 --> 00:56:15.485 was you could not 2257 00:56:15.525 --> 00:56:16.980 swim by yourself. 2258 00:56:17.020 --> 00:56:19.366 You could shoot heroin 2259 00:56:19.406 --> 00:56:20.980 or hide a body, 2260 00:56:21.020 --> 00:56:22.980 but you could not swim alone. 2261 00:56:23.020 --> 00:56:23.759 "Jaws" was filmed 2262 00:56:23.799 --> 00:56:24.980 on Martha's Vineyard, okay. 2263 00:56:25.020 --> 00:56:25.432 We were scared of 2264 00:56:25.472 --> 00:56:25.980 that mechanical shark 2265 00:56:26.020 --> 00:56:27.980 for a long time. 2266 00:56:28.020 --> 00:56:28.980 But I didn't care, 'cause-- 2267 00:56:29.020 --> 00:56:30.527 and I was so scared 2268 00:56:30.567 --> 00:56:31.980 to defy my father. 2269 00:56:32.020 --> 00:56:33.168 My father would--you know, 2270 00:56:33.208 --> 00:56:33.980 he would smack me. 2271 00:56:34.020 --> 00:56:35.980 Like, I was scared of him, 2272 00:56:36.020 --> 00:56:37.520 especially in that state. 2273 00:56:38.000 --> 00:56:39.255 But I didn't care 2274 00:56:39.295 --> 00:56:40.980 because my need for joy 2275 00:56:41.020 --> 00:56:42.980 was paramount to my fear. 2276 00:56:43.020 --> 00:56:44.980 And I walked off the deck, 2277 00:56:45.020 --> 00:56:45.681 and I remember 2278 00:56:45.721 --> 00:56:46.980 walking down to the water, 2279 00:56:47.020 --> 00:56:48.215 and I just said, 2280 00:56:48.255 --> 00:56:49.980 keep going, keep going. 2281 00:56:50.020 --> 00:56:51.291 And I got in the water, 2282 00:56:51.331 --> 00:56:52.980 and I swam out, like, 20 yards 2283 00:56:53.020 --> 00:56:55.980 and I turned around. 2284 00:56:56.020 --> 00:56:58.000 And he had gone inside. 2285 00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:03.980 And... 2286 00:57:04.020 --> 00:57:04.528 Dan said, 2287 00:57:04.568 --> 00:57:05.980 "Sit with that feeling." 2288 00:57:06.020 --> 00:57:07.603 And I said, "I can't. 2289 00:57:07.643 --> 00:57:08.980 It's too painful." 2290 00:57:09.020 --> 00:57:09.862 He said, "Sit with it. 2291 00:57:09.902 --> 00:57:11.582 What do you feel right now?" 2292 00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:13.874 I'm like, "I'm so angry. 2293 00:57:13.914 --> 00:57:14.980 I'm so angry." 2294 00:57:15.020 --> 00:57:16.120 And he said, "Yes, but what's 2295 00:57:16.160 --> 00:57:16.980 underneath the anger?" 2296 00:57:17.020 --> 00:57:18.064 And I'm like, "Hurt. 2297 00:57:18.104 --> 00:57:18.980 I'm fucking hurt. 2298 00:57:19.020 --> 00:57:20.547 "I'm hurt that my brother 2299 00:57:20.587 --> 00:57:21.980 went off and ditched me 2300 00:57:22.020 --> 00:57:22.803 "when he told me 2301 00:57:22.843 --> 00:57:23.980 he was gonna come back. 2302 00:57:24.020 --> 00:57:25.980 And then my father ditched me." 2303 00:57:26.020 --> 00:57:26.765 And he said, "Yes, 2304 00:57:26.805 --> 00:57:27.980 what's underneath the hurt?" 2305 00:57:28.020 --> 00:57:29.333 I'm like, "I don't know, Dan, 2306 00:57:29.373 --> 00:57:29.980 I'm paying you 2307 00:57:30.020 --> 00:57:30.508 to tell me 2308 00:57:30.548 --> 00:57:31.980 what's underneath the hurt." 2309 00:57:32.020 --> 00:57:33.980 He said, "Rejection. 2310 00:57:34.020 --> 00:57:35.980 "You took that as rejection, 2311 00:57:36.020 --> 00:57:36.816 "because that's what 2312 00:57:36.856 --> 00:57:37.980 a nine-year-old girl thinks. 2313 00:57:38.020 --> 00:57:38.951 "It doesn't matter that your 2314 00:57:38.991 --> 00:57:39.980 brother had a hiking accident. 2315 00:57:40.020 --> 00:57:41.207 "It matters that he told you 2316 00:57:41.247 --> 00:57:41.980 he was coming back 2317 00:57:42.020 --> 00:57:42.980 "and he didn't come back, 2318 00:57:43.020 --> 00:57:44.312 "so for a nine-year-old 2319 00:57:44.352 --> 00:57:45.980 little girl, he rejected you. 2320 00:57:46.020 --> 00:57:47.219 "And then your father 2321 00:57:47.259 --> 00:57:47.980 rejected you, 2322 00:57:48.020 --> 00:57:49.546 "so you were broken up with 2323 00:57:49.586 --> 00:57:50.980 twice by the age of nine. 2324 00:57:51.020 --> 00:57:51.936 "This is why, 2325 00:57:51.976 --> 00:57:53.980 when I handed you an orange, 2326 00:57:54.020 --> 00:57:55.980 "you were revolted, 2327 00:57:56.020 --> 00:57:57.370 "because it requires you 2328 00:57:57.410 --> 00:57:58.980 to be vulnerable with a man, 2329 00:57:59.020 --> 00:57:59.980 "and you don't trust men, 2330 00:58:00.020 --> 00:58:02.050 because the two men 2331 00:58:02.090 --> 00:58:05.000 you trusted the most lied." 2332 00:58:08.000 --> 00:58:09.874 And he said, "This is where 2333 00:58:09.914 --> 00:58:11.980 your lack of empathy comes in. 2334 00:58:12.020 --> 00:58:12.798 "How are you meant 2335 00:58:12.838 --> 00:58:13.980 to have empathy for anyone 2336 00:58:14.020 --> 00:58:15.133 "when you've never even 2337 00:58:15.173 --> 00:58:15.980 grieved yourself? 2338 00:58:16.020 --> 00:58:17.297 "You've never allowed 2339 00:58:17.337 --> 00:58:17.980 yourself to 2340 00:58:18.020 --> 00:58:20.980 because you had to be strong." 2341 00:58:21.020 --> 00:58:22.552 And I'm looking at him, 2342 00:58:22.592 --> 00:58:23.980 hearing these things, 2343 00:58:24.020 --> 00:58:25.980 and I'm like... 2344 00:58:26.020 --> 00:58:27.354 "Oh, my God, 2345 00:58:27.394 --> 00:58:30.000 I wanna fuck you, too." 2346 00:58:33.000 --> 00:58:34.147 He's like, "You don't 2347 00:58:34.187 --> 00:58:34.980 wanna fuck me." 2348 00:58:35.020 --> 00:58:35.284 I'm like, 2349 00:58:35.324 --> 00:58:36.584 "I do in this moment. 2350 00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:39.980 I wanna fuck you." 2351 00:58:40.020 --> 00:58:41.370 He's like, "No, you want 2352 00:58:41.410 --> 00:58:42.980 someone to take care of you. 2353 00:58:43.020 --> 00:58:43.980 "That's why you hire guides 2354 00:58:44.020 --> 00:58:45.233 "and why you hook up 2355 00:58:45.273 --> 00:58:45.980 with guides, 2356 00:58:46.020 --> 00:58:48.158 'cause you're paying them 2357 00:58:48.198 --> 00:58:50.000 to take care of you." 2358 00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:51.628 And he's like, 2359 00:58:51.668 --> 00:58:52.980 "And you're also paying them, 2360 00:58:53.020 --> 00:58:53.338 technically, 2361 00:58:53.378 --> 00:58:53.980 to have sex with you." 2362 00:58:54.020 --> 00:58:54.854 I'm like, 2363 00:58:54.894 --> 00:58:57.000 "Dan, that's too far." 2364 00:58:58.000 --> 00:58:59.739 I didn't know that my brother's 2365 00:58:59.779 --> 00:59:00.980 death was defining me. 2366 00:59:01.020 --> 00:59:02.187 I didn't know that 2367 00:59:02.227 --> 00:59:03.980 I had the ability to say no 2368 00:59:04.020 --> 00:59:05.980 to being defined by death. 2369 00:59:06.020 --> 00:59:06.980 [sighs] 2370 00:59:07.020 --> 00:59:08.980 Now I was with a person 2371 00:59:09.020 --> 00:59:10.958 who could help me process 2372 00:59:10.998 --> 00:59:11.980 what happened 2373 00:59:12.020 --> 00:59:13.188 and turn the parts of me 2374 00:59:13.228 --> 00:59:13.980 that still acted 2375 00:59:14.020 --> 00:59:15.273 like a nine-year-old 2376 00:59:15.313 --> 00:59:15.980 little girl 2377 00:59:16.020 --> 00:59:17.980 into a self-actualized adult 2378 00:59:18.020 --> 00:59:18.791 who had come to 2379 00:59:18.831 --> 00:59:19.980 a better understanding 2380 00:59:20.020 --> 00:59:20.852 of what it means 2381 00:59:20.892 --> 00:59:21.980 to dig deep and admit 2382 00:59:22.020 --> 00:59:23.980 that you're in pain, 2383 00:59:24.020 --> 00:59:25.386 thereby relinquishing 2384 00:59:25.426 --> 00:59:25.980 that pain 2385 00:59:26.020 --> 00:59:26.818 or beginning to 2386 00:59:26.858 --> 00:59:27.980 relinquish that pain. 2387 00:59:28.020 --> 00:59:29.460 My brother dying no longer 2388 00:59:29.500 --> 00:59:30.980 had to define my existence. 2389 00:59:31.020 --> 00:59:32.394 It's part of who I am-- 2390 00:59:32.434 --> 00:59:33.980 perhaps the biggest part-- 2391 00:59:34.020 --> 00:59:36.980 but it's not all of me. 2392 00:59:37.020 --> 00:59:38.980 I define me. 2393 00:59:39.020 --> 00:59:40.980 I decide who I am. 2394 00:59:41.020 --> 00:59:44.000 No event or person does this. 2395 00:59:45.000 --> 00:59:45.236 I decide 2396 00:59:45.276 --> 00:59:45.980 how I'm going to behave 2397 00:59:46.020 --> 00:59:47.152 and I know now that 2398 00:59:47.192 --> 00:59:48.980 vulnerability is not weakness, 2399 00:59:49.020 --> 00:59:53.000 that vulnerability is strength. 2400 00:59:58.000 --> 00:59:59.980 So I was excited. 2401 01:00:00.020 --> 01:00:00.686 I went home. 2402 01:00:00.726 --> 01:00:01.980 I was packing my bags. 2403 01:00:02.020 --> 01:00:03.726 I was leaving for Clearwater, 2404 01:00:03.766 --> 01:00:04.980 Florida, the next day 2405 01:00:05.020 --> 01:00:07.980 to visit the Scientologists... 2406 01:00:08.020 --> 01:00:10.176 to try and knock some sense 2407 01:00:10.216 --> 01:00:10.980 into them. 2408 01:00:11.020 --> 01:00:12.360 And I got on my plane, 2409 01:00:12.400 --> 01:00:13.980 and I was feeling so good. 2410 01:00:14.020 --> 01:00:14.603 I had the information 2411 01:00:14.643 --> 01:00:15.423 that I needed 2412 01:00:16.000 --> 01:00:16.980 to understand why I reacted-- 2413 01:00:17.020 --> 01:00:18.143 you know, I wasn't mad 2414 01:00:18.183 --> 01:00:18.980 at Donald Trump. 2415 01:00:19.020 --> 01:00:19.636 Of course I fuckin' hate 2416 01:00:19.676 --> 01:00:19.980 Donald Trump, 2417 01:00:20.020 --> 01:00:21.640 but that was representative 2418 01:00:22.000 --> 01:00:22.395 of the other time 2419 01:00:22.435 --> 01:00:23.875 my life became unhinged. 2420 01:00:24.000 --> 01:00:24.903 It was a trigger--a word 2421 01:00:24.943 --> 01:00:25.980 I never thought I would use. 2422 01:00:26.020 --> 01:00:27.980 But it made sense. 2423 01:00:28.020 --> 01:00:28.772 And I was putting 2424 01:00:28.812 --> 01:00:29.980 all these pieces together, 2425 01:00:30.020 --> 01:00:31.980 and I was so grateful. 2426 01:00:32.020 --> 01:00:32.980 And I was sitting on the plane, 2427 01:00:33.020 --> 01:00:34.103 and I saw this large man 2428 01:00:34.143 --> 01:00:34.980 walking towards me. 2429 01:00:35.020 --> 01:00:36.487 and I was like, oh, I hope 2430 01:00:36.527 --> 01:00:37.980 he doesn't sit next to me. 2431 01:00:38.020 --> 01:00:39.951 I could tell by his body type 2432 01:00:39.991 --> 01:00:42.000 that he was a Trump supporter. 2433 01:00:46.000 --> 01:00:49.000 He looked like a swollen tick. 2434 01:00:50.000 --> 01:00:52.839 And he had these denim pants-- 2435 01:00:52.879 --> 01:00:53.980 they're on-- 2436 01:00:54.020 --> 01:00:54.495 they weren't pants-- 2437 01:00:54.535 --> 01:00:54.980 they weren't denim. 2438 01:00:55.020 --> 01:00:55.933 They looked denim, 2439 01:00:55.973 --> 01:00:56.980 but they were cloth. 2440 01:00:57.020 --> 01:00:59.026 And I was like... 2441 01:00:59.066 --> 01:00:59.980 [groans] 2442 01:01:00.020 --> 01:01:00.680 That is tricky. 2443 01:01:00.720 --> 01:01:01.980 I don't like that, I don't-- 2444 01:01:02.020 --> 01:01:02.628 and then I was like, 2445 01:01:02.668 --> 01:01:02.980 no, no, no. 2446 01:01:03.020 --> 01:01:03.843 You--you're not 2447 01:01:03.883 --> 01:01:04.980 that person anymore. 2448 01:01:05.020 --> 01:01:05.980 You don't judge people based on 2449 01:01:06.020 --> 01:01:07.661 their denim-looking pants, 2450 01:01:07.701 --> 01:01:07.980 okay? 2451 01:01:08.020 --> 01:01:09.749 This person is a man 2452 01:01:09.789 --> 01:01:10.980 with a family. 2453 01:01:11.020 --> 01:01:12.980 Stop looking at the exterior 2454 01:01:13.020 --> 01:01:13.745 and start thinking 2455 01:01:13.785 --> 01:01:14.980 about the interior of people. 2456 01:01:15.020 --> 01:01:16.980 That's what Dan taught me. 2457 01:01:17.020 --> 01:01:17.476 I was like, this is 2458 01:01:17.516 --> 01:01:17.980 a man with a family. 2459 01:01:18.020 --> 01:01:19.760 I immediately closed my eyes. 2460 01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:20.980 Like, this is an opportunity. 2461 01:01:21.020 --> 01:01:22.057 This is an opportunity 2462 01:01:22.097 --> 01:01:22.980 to talk to somebody 2463 01:01:23.020 --> 01:01:23.980 who voted for Donald Trump 2464 01:01:24.020 --> 01:01:25.233 and actually be kind 2465 01:01:25.273 --> 01:01:25.980 and generous 2466 01:01:26.020 --> 01:01:26.810 and understand 2467 01:01:26.850 --> 01:01:28.050 or try to understand 2468 01:01:29.000 --> 01:01:29.735 why they would 2469 01:01:29.775 --> 01:01:30.980 do something like that. 2470 01:01:31.020 --> 01:01:31.836 So I closed my eyes, 2471 01:01:31.876 --> 01:01:32.980 and I'm doing my breathing. 2472 01:01:33.020 --> 01:01:33.735 I'm like, okay, 2473 01:01:33.775 --> 01:01:34.980 opportunity, opportunity. 2474 01:01:35.020 --> 01:01:36.005 I'm like, think about his 2475 01:01:36.045 --> 01:01:36.980 family; he's got a wife. 2476 01:01:37.020 --> 01:01:37.343 I'm like, well, 2477 01:01:37.383 --> 01:01:37.980 she probably hates him too. 2478 01:01:38.020 --> 01:01:38.724 I'm like, no. 2479 01:01:38.764 --> 01:01:39.980 I'm like, no, Chelsea. 2480 01:01:40.020 --> 01:01:41.320 Wives love husbands usually. 2481 01:01:41.360 --> 01:01:41.980 I mean, just-- 2482 01:01:42.020 --> 01:01:42.933 no, he has children. 2483 01:01:42.973 --> 01:01:44.293 He's someone's father. 2484 01:01:45.000 --> 01:01:45.314 And I'm like, 2485 01:01:45.354 --> 01:01:45.980 they fuckin' hate him too. 2486 01:01:46.020 --> 01:01:47.206 I'm like, if they saw him 2487 01:01:47.246 --> 01:01:47.980 in these shorts, 2488 01:01:48.020 --> 01:01:49.980 they'd fuckin' be pissed too. 2489 01:01:50.020 --> 01:01:51.980 And I was like, no, no, no. 2490 01:01:52.020 --> 01:01:52.663 And then I--I was like, okay, 2491 01:01:52.703 --> 01:01:52.980 I can do this. 2492 01:01:53.020 --> 01:01:54.455 I ordered from the flight 2493 01:01:54.495 --> 01:01:55.980 attendant a bowl of cereal 2494 01:01:56.020 --> 01:01:56.573 for my first time 2495 01:01:56.613 --> 01:01:57.333 in 30 years. 2496 01:01:58.000 --> 01:01:58.980 I was like, I am gonna do this. 2497 01:01:59.020 --> 01:01:59.450 I'm gonna have 2498 01:01:59.490 --> 01:01:59.980 a bowl of cereal 2499 01:02:00.020 --> 01:02:02.980 with a side of Republican. 2500 01:02:03.020 --> 01:02:03.695 And I took my first bite 2501 01:02:03.735 --> 01:02:03.980 of cereal, 2502 01:02:04.020 --> 01:02:05.266 and that's when I smelled 2503 01:02:05.306 --> 01:02:05.980 my first fart. 2504 01:02:06.020 --> 01:02:09.000 There were eight. 2505 01:02:10.000 --> 01:02:10.741 I know this 2506 01:02:10.781 --> 01:02:12.000 because I counted, 2507 01:02:13.000 --> 01:02:13.531 because they were 2508 01:02:13.571 --> 01:02:13.980 like tsunamis. 2509 01:02:14.020 --> 01:02:15.046 You thought one was over, 2510 01:02:15.086 --> 01:02:16.406 and then it was done-- 2511 01:02:17.000 --> 01:02:18.099 you know, a tsunami happens, 2512 01:02:18.139 --> 01:02:18.980 and the water recedes, 2513 01:02:19.020 --> 01:02:20.127 and people come down 2514 01:02:20.167 --> 01:02:20.980 from the trees, 2515 01:02:21.020 --> 01:02:21.472 and they're like, 2516 01:02:21.512 --> 01:02:21.980 "Okay, it's gone." 2517 01:02:22.020 --> 01:02:22.379 And then, fuck, 2518 01:02:22.419 --> 01:02:22.980 another wave is coming. 2519 01:02:23.020 --> 01:02:24.980 That's what that was like. 2520 01:02:25.020 --> 01:02:26.097 So the first one, I was like, 2521 01:02:26.137 --> 01:02:26.980 whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 2522 01:02:27.020 --> 01:02:27.983 Is that me? 2523 01:02:28.023 --> 01:02:28.980 Did I fart? 2524 01:02:29.020 --> 01:02:29.530 And then there was 2525 01:02:29.570 --> 01:02:29.980 the second one, 2526 01:02:30.020 --> 01:02:31.399 I'm like oh, he-- 2527 01:02:31.439 --> 01:02:32.980 he's farting on me. 2528 01:02:33.020 --> 01:02:34.038 This Trump supporter 2529 01:02:34.078 --> 01:02:34.980 is really, really, 2530 01:02:35.020 --> 01:02:36.980 really checking me right now. 2531 01:02:37.020 --> 01:02:39.980 This is really testing me. 2532 01:02:40.020 --> 01:02:40.700 And then I'm thinking, like, 2533 01:02:40.740 --> 01:02:40.980 oh, my God, 2534 01:02:41.020 --> 01:02:42.441 he needs a panty shield, 2535 01:02:42.481 --> 01:02:42.980 you know. 2536 01:02:43.020 --> 01:02:43.867 Like, this is-- 2537 01:02:43.907 --> 01:02:44.980 he needs something. 2538 01:02:45.020 --> 01:02:45.562 He definitely needs 2539 01:02:45.602 --> 01:02:45.980 a doxycycline. 2540 01:02:46.020 --> 01:02:47.010 So I went in my bag, 2541 01:02:47.050 --> 01:02:47.980 and I got some out. 2542 01:02:48.020 --> 01:02:48.546 I took one. 2543 01:02:48.586 --> 01:02:49.980 I also put one on his plate, 2544 01:02:50.020 --> 01:02:51.980 but I closed my eyes. 2545 01:02:52.020 --> 01:02:53.245 And I was like, just breathe, 2546 01:02:53.285 --> 01:02:53.980 breathe, breathe. 2547 01:02:54.020 --> 01:02:55.379 You can deal with this too. 2548 01:02:55.419 --> 01:02:56.980 This is just another challenge. 2549 01:02:57.020 --> 01:02:58.980 [inhales, exhales] 2550 01:02:59.020 --> 01:02:59.460 And then I realized 2551 01:02:59.500 --> 01:02:59.980 I was sucking the air 2552 01:03:00.020 --> 01:03:01.980 from his asshole into my nose. 2553 01:03:02.020 --> 01:03:03.341 And I was like, no... 2554 01:03:03.381 --> 01:03:03.980 [exhaling] 2555 01:03:04.020 --> 01:03:05.580 Remembered my--the Lamaze 2556 01:03:05.620 --> 01:03:06.980 from my fake daughter, 2557 01:03:07.020 --> 01:03:08.399 and I was like... 2558 01:03:08.439 --> 01:03:09.980 [breathing heavily] 2559 01:03:10.020 --> 01:03:10.887 And I kept my eyes shut. 2560 01:03:10.927 --> 01:03:11.980 I obviously lost my appetite. 2561 01:03:12.020 --> 01:03:13.980 I didn't eat anything else. 2562 01:03:14.020 --> 01:03:15.544 And when the flight attendant 2563 01:03:15.584 --> 01:03:16.980 came over to clear my tray, 2564 01:03:17.020 --> 01:03:17.980 I didn't even look up. 2565 01:03:18.020 --> 01:03:19.486 I just sat there trying 2566 01:03:19.526 --> 01:03:20.980 to get myself together. 2567 01:03:21.020 --> 01:03:22.085 And then finally, he got up 2568 01:03:22.125 --> 01:03:22.980 to go to the bathroom. 2569 01:03:23.020 --> 01:03:23.902 And when he did, 2570 01:03:23.942 --> 01:03:24.980 she came back over, 2571 01:03:25.020 --> 01:03:25.449 and she said, 2572 01:03:25.489 --> 01:03:25.980 "Are you okay?" 2573 01:03:26.020 --> 01:03:27.980 And I'm like, "Are you?" 2574 01:03:28.020 --> 01:03:29.980 And then I turned around 2575 01:03:30.020 --> 01:03:31.273 to look at the other 2576 01:03:31.313 --> 01:03:32.000 hostages... 2577 01:03:35.000 --> 01:03:36.980 I was like, "People are going 2578 01:03:37.020 --> 01:03:38.980 to pass away on this flight." 2579 01:03:39.020 --> 01:03:40.510 And she said, "Well, hopefully 2580 01:03:40.550 --> 01:03:41.980 he's just in the bathroom now 2581 01:03:42.020 --> 01:03:45.980 getting rid of it." 2582 01:03:46.020 --> 01:03:46.810 I said, "What? 2583 01:03:46.850 --> 01:03:47.980 You can't say that." 2584 01:03:48.020 --> 01:03:48.717 I was like, 2585 01:03:48.757 --> 01:03:49.980 "Getting rid of it? 2586 01:03:50.020 --> 01:03:50.577 "You need to call ahead 2587 01:03:50.617 --> 01:03:51.577 to the airport-- 2588 01:03:52.000 --> 01:03:53.056 "you need to call ahead 2589 01:03:53.096 --> 01:03:53.980 to the airport and-- 2590 01:03:54.020 --> 01:03:54.985 "do you guys have 2591 01:03:55.025 --> 01:03:55.980 a hospital there? 2592 01:03:56.020 --> 01:03:57.248 "Because he's gonna need 2593 01:03:57.288 --> 01:03:57.980 a colonoscopy. 2594 01:03:58.020 --> 01:03:58.565 "Okay, and you need to see 2595 01:03:58.605 --> 01:03:58.980 if there's a doctor 2596 01:03:59.020 --> 01:04:00.980 "or a vet on board, okay? 2597 01:04:01.020 --> 01:04:01.877 "This is a ser-- 2598 01:04:01.917 --> 01:04:02.980 he went to Chipotle, 2599 01:04:03.020 --> 01:04:04.349 and things took 2600 01:04:04.389 --> 01:04:06.000 a hard left turn." 2601 01:04:11.000 --> 01:04:11.480 And he comes out 2602 01:04:11.520 --> 01:04:11.980 of the bathroom, 2603 01:04:12.020 --> 01:04:12.980 and she scuttles away, 2604 01:04:13.020 --> 01:04:13.980 and I'm like, oh, God. 2605 01:04:14.020 --> 01:04:15.640 I'm like, okay, okay, okay. 2606 01:04:16.000 --> 01:04:16.869 You have to think of 2607 01:04:16.909 --> 01:04:17.980 the most loving, kind way 2608 01:04:18.020 --> 01:04:20.403 to tell someone 2609 01:04:20.443 --> 01:04:22.980 to stop farting. 2610 01:04:23.020 --> 01:04:24.980 So he comes walking over, 2611 01:04:25.020 --> 01:04:25.877 and he sits down 2612 01:04:25.917 --> 01:04:26.980 and it's loud and... 2613 01:04:27.020 --> 01:04:27.801 [exhales] 2614 01:04:27.841 --> 01:04:29.000 I said, "Sir, 2615 01:04:30.000 --> 01:04:31.134 will you please 2616 01:04:31.174 --> 01:04:33.000 stop what you're doing?" 2617 01:04:35.000 --> 01:04:36.766 And he said, "Excuse me?" 2618 01:04:36.806 --> 01:04:39.000 I go, "Stop it with your butt." 2619 01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:42.980 [squeaks meekly] 2620 01:04:43.020 --> 01:04:44.230 And then I just covered my eyes 2621 01:04:44.270 --> 01:04:44.980 and I sat like this 2622 01:04:45.020 --> 01:04:46.487 for the rest of the flight, 2623 01:04:46.527 --> 01:04:47.980 rocking myself like a baby. 2624 01:04:48.020 --> 01:04:48.367 And I was like, 2625 01:04:48.407 --> 01:04:48.980 don't say anything else, 2626 01:04:49.020 --> 01:04:49.588 don't say anything else, 2627 01:04:49.628 --> 01:04:50.588 don't be a cunt, 2628 01:04:51.000 --> 01:04:51.341 don't be a cunt, 2629 01:04:51.381 --> 01:04:51.980 don't start a confrontation. 2630 01:04:52.020 --> 01:04:52.841 You've farted too. 2631 01:04:52.881 --> 01:04:53.980 You've farted too, okay. 2632 01:04:54.020 --> 01:04:55.042 You've had bad situations. 2633 01:04:55.082 --> 01:04:55.980 Remember Panda Express? 2634 01:04:56.020 --> 01:04:57.109 Remember? 2635 01:04:57.149 --> 01:04:57.980 Don't-- 2636 01:04:58.020 --> 01:04:59.989 don't judge him, 2637 01:05:00.029 --> 01:05:01.980 don't judge him. 2638 01:05:02.020 --> 01:05:03.036 And I was so excited. 2639 01:05:03.076 --> 01:05:03.980 We were descending. 2640 01:05:04.020 --> 01:05:04.988 And I was like, you did it, you 2641 01:05:05.028 --> 01:05:05.980 did it, you didn't do anything. 2642 01:05:06.020 --> 01:05:06.772 Like, if that had 2643 01:05:06.812 --> 01:05:07.980 just been six months ago-- 2644 01:05:08.020 --> 01:05:08.854 six months before 2645 01:05:08.894 --> 01:05:09.980 I had gone to therapy, 2646 01:05:10.020 --> 01:05:12.341 just six months--he would have 2647 01:05:12.381 --> 01:05:13.980 gone to the bathroom. 2648 01:05:14.020 --> 01:05:16.000 I would've formed a gang. 2649 01:05:19.000 --> 01:05:20.253 I would be the leader 2650 01:05:20.293 --> 01:05:20.980 of the gang. 2651 01:05:21.020 --> 01:05:23.128 I would've lurched at him 2652 01:05:23.168 --> 01:05:23.980 like this, 2653 01:05:24.020 --> 01:05:24.872 grabbed him by the neck, 2654 01:05:24.912 --> 01:05:26.712 pinned him down on the floor-- 2655 01:05:27.000 --> 01:05:27.647 'cause I have strength 2656 01:05:27.687 --> 01:05:27.980 like that-- 2657 01:05:28.020 --> 01:05:28.628 and flipped him over 2658 01:05:28.668 --> 01:05:29.328 like a baby 2659 01:05:30.000 --> 01:05:33.000 and stapled his asshole shut. 2660 01:05:37.000 --> 01:05:38.480 But I didn't do that 2661 01:05:38.520 --> 01:05:39.980 because I'm growing. 2662 01:05:40.020 --> 01:05:42.980 And they're called baby steps. 2663 01:05:43.020 --> 01:05:43.798 So as we were 2664 01:05:43.838 --> 01:05:44.980 leaving the plane-- 2665 01:05:45.020 --> 01:05:45.959 the plane had landed, 2666 01:05:45.999 --> 01:05:46.980 he gathered his stuff. 2667 01:05:47.020 --> 01:05:47.980 I didn't make eye contact. 2668 01:05:48.020 --> 01:05:49.662 We never had the relationship 2669 01:05:49.702 --> 01:05:50.980 I thought we could have 2670 01:05:51.020 --> 01:05:53.146 because he ruined it 2671 01:05:53.186 --> 01:05:54.980 with his asshole. 2672 01:05:55.020 --> 01:05:56.120 And the flight attendant came 2673 01:05:56.160 --> 01:05:56.980 over as I was leaving, 2674 01:05:57.020 --> 01:05:57.891 and she's like, "It was a 2675 01:05:57.931 --> 01:05:58.980 pleasure having you on board." 2676 01:05:59.020 --> 01:06:00.980 I was like, "Yeah, thank you." 2677 01:06:01.020 --> 01:06:02.081 I was like, 2678 01:06:02.121 --> 01:06:04.980 "The pleasure was all yours." 2679 01:06:05.020 --> 01:06:05.420 And she said, "Hey, 2680 01:06:05.460 --> 01:06:06.960 can I ask you something?" 2681 01:06:07.000 --> 01:06:07.435 And I was like, 2682 01:06:07.475 --> 01:06:08.555 "Yeah, of course." 2683 01:06:09.000 --> 01:06:10.252 And she said, "I heard 2684 01:06:10.292 --> 01:06:11.980 a funny story about you once." 2685 01:06:12.020 --> 01:06:14.980 I was like, "Oh, really?" 2686 01:06:15.020 --> 01:06:16.980 I go, "Which one?" 2687 01:06:17.020 --> 01:06:17.446 She said, "I heard 2688 01:06:17.486 --> 01:06:17.980 you were so high once 2689 01:06:18.020 --> 01:06:19.986 you tried to get off 2690 01:06:20.026 --> 01:06:22.000 a plane mid-flight." 2691 01:06:27.000 --> 01:06:27.580 I said, 2692 01:06:27.620 --> 01:06:29.980 "I've heard that story too." 2693 01:06:30.020 --> 01:06:30.807 I said, 2694 01:06:30.847 --> 01:06:33.980 "That was Elizabeth Banks." 2695 01:06:34.020 --> 01:06:35.980 Thank you, guys! 2696 01:06:36.020 --> 01:06:37.530 Does anybody want 2697 01:06:37.570 --> 01:06:39.980 some complementary oranges? 2698 01:06:40.020 --> 01:06:41.980 There you go. 2699 01:06:42.020 --> 01:06:43.518 Thank you, New Jersey. 2700 01:06:43.558 --> 01:06:44.980 It's good to be home. 2701 01:06:45.020 --> 01:06:47.980 [upbeat music] 2702 01:06:48.020 --> 01:06:49.980 Oh, yeah! 2703 01:06:50.020 --> 01:06:50.485 Thank you, guys! 2704 01:06:50.525 --> 01:06:51.485 I love you guys. 2705 01:06:52.000 --> 01:06:53.980 Thank you. 2706 01:06:54.020 --> 01:07:01.000 ♪ ♪ 2707 01:07:20.000 --> 01:07:27.000 ♪ ♪