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- And now, join me
in welcoming
the author of six number one
"New York Times"
best-selling books,
the star of "Chelsea,"
"Chelsea Does,"
"Chelsea Lately,"
and "Hello, Privilege.
It's Me, Chelsea."
Please put your hands together
for Chelsea Handler.
d
♪ ♪
- Yeah!
What's up, New Jersey?
[cheering]
Oh, I'm so happy
you came out tonight with me.
Look at this beautiful
train station
built in 1889 for immigrants.
Remember when that was cool?
I decided to wear white
tonight, you guys,
'cause I'm expecting my period.
Uh, before we get started...
Hi, hi, ladies.
Hi, everybody.
So nice to be out, isn't it?
Before we get started, I wanna
make a serious announcement...
to my husband,
if he happens to be sitting
in this audience tonight.
My future husband, sorry.
I wanna dedicate this show
to him.
But there seems to be
a misconception,
and I get this
a lot from white men.
Oh, there--here's a Black man
and a white man together.
Perfect.
Let's talk to you together.
There seems to be
a misconception
that I only date Black men.
So I wanna use
this opportunity to make a PSA
for white men
who are scared of women
who have dated Black guys.
Beavers retract.
They don't just stay open.
They go back to simpler times.
I went through
a really difficult time
about three or four years ago--
whenever the last election was.
I couldn't believe that we
elected that fucking baboon!
I couldn't believe it.
And when you live in
Los Angeles, as I do,
when you're going through
a difficult time
and you have
high levels of rage
or outrage or anger,
however you want to frame it,
people wanna talk to you.
And they wanna use words
like "manifest"...
and "gratitude"...
and "kale."
And I'm not into shit
like that.
I'm all for
spiritual people--
or spirituality,
I should say.
Spirituality
is fine with me
as a component
of your lifestyle.
Sure, go for it.
My problem with
spiritual people is that
spiritual people can sometimes
be giant fucking assholes.
I feel spiritual
when I'm on mushrooms.
d
I'm not into rocks
and stones and chakras
or walking into Whole Foods,
hearing phrases like
"artisanal deodorant"...
or "micro panic attack."
It's like, fuck you!
That's a micro panic attack.
Los Angeles is a tricky place
if you're going through
a vulnerable time.
And if you're not careful,
you could end up at one of
those silent retreats
in the woods of Topanga Canyon,
finger blasting yourself
all weekend long.
[voice breaking]
That's what happened to me.
I had a girlfriend who came
to visit me
from high school,
from Nueva Jersey.
That's Spanish
for "New Jersey."
[laughs]
De nada.
Any other questions
about Spanish?
And she was hanging out
with me for a couple of days,
and after hanging out with her,
I said, yeah,
I would be willing to go
to a silent retreat.
And we went.
And it was exactly
what I had imagined.
It was in the woods
of Topanga Canyon.
And we get there and there's
just girls everywhere
and Lululemon everywhere.
Leggings and deep stretching
for no reason.
A lot of
room-temperature water.
That annoys me.
As if water could get
any more boring,
let's heat that shit up
and hand it out.
And there were
three veterinarians
alone in a circle.
I'm like,
that's suspicious to me.
I don't like to see vets
out of office, okay.
And not running in packs,
either.
I have a problem with vets.
I respect, like,
what they're trying to do.
Like, the intention's nice.
Oh, you wanna
work with animals, great.
They're just too vague.
All of their answers
are too vague.
I've had too many
rescue dogs--
I've had seven or eight--
and I've brought them in
every single time
to find out how old they are.
And no matter
what vet I'm seeing,
the answer is the same.
"They're somewhere between
the ages of 4 and 12."
What kind of answer is that?
What kind of margin of error--
are you a doctor or not?
You can tell--we know
that kangaroos were alive
on the island of Australia
25 million years ago
because of a half of a tooth.
And you can't tell me how old
this fuckin' chow chow is?
I mean, honestly,
go fuck yourselves.
So anyway,
we're at this retreat,
and I was already--you know,
I already have the attitude
that I'm not into this stuff,
but I was trying
to be open-minded
because of the level
of my outrage.
So then I heard that there was
gonna be a sound bath.
I didn't know--in the woods.
I didn't know
what a sound bath was.
I thought, oh,
DJs will shower with us.
And we go up to the woods
and there's
more stretching--
you know,
camel toe everywhere.
So annoying.
Kale chips--I'm like,
it's 85 degrees.
Who wants to
suck on a kale chip?
And then I saw a ukulele.
I'm like, oh, no, you don't.
Okay, I know that is
gonna end up somewhere
that I'm not gonna like, okay.
This is g--classic, classic
finger blasting setting.
Fool me once,
shame on you.
Fool me twice,
shame on my Pikachu.
So I walked out,
and I found some other girl.
I left the woods and I'm like,
"Hey, you, what's--what's up?"
Who's got drugs?"
And she's like, "W-well,
we're having a--
"we're having a ceremony
tomorrow night
"with--with toad venom,
And it's called 5-DME-OT."
And I was like, "Okay, well,
I'll take mine now."
[laughter]
Let's party.
And she said, "It's not really
that kind of drug."
I'm like, "Listen, bitch,
I'll decide
what kind of drug this is."
Now, I understand
some people are not built
for drugs and alcohol,
and I respect that.
I don't ever want to get
anybody involved
with drugs and alcohol
that can't handle it,
but I believe that I am.
I believe that I'm built
for the apocalypse...
which, by the way, we're in.
I've done every drug.
I've experimented
with everything.
Unless there's a new drug
that came out this morning,
I've tried it.
I did a special on Netflix.
I went down to Peru
and did ayahuasca
on camera with a shaman,
and they said,
"No, you can't do that.
People vomit
and shit their pants."
I was like, "I won't.
I won't do that.
I'm too advanced."
I'm like, "You think I'm gonna
ruin a buzz
"by defecating on myself?
Never is that going
to happen."
I took my SATs
tripping on acid.
I didn't get into college,
but I had a great time
taking that test.
And I've never had a bad time.
Like, you know somebody--
oh--
everybody always has
a bad time with drugs.
There's always a girl in
the corner for eight hours,
like... [gibbers]
That's never me.
Okay, I've had never
a bad experience.
Nothing that I would frame
as negative, anyway.
The one time--one time, I had
a questionable experience
was when cannabis--
this was, like, 15 years ago,
before cannabis
was the way it was,
before there were labels.
And a man had given me
a cookie.
And I ate that cookie.
And I thought I was
at a movie theater.
And when the movie ended, I got
up to leave the movie theater,
only to find out
I was on an airplane.
That was shocking.
'Cause I didn't just get up;
I got my shit together.
I got my coat,
and it had a belt--
it must have been winter.
And then I got my bag
out of the overhead bin
and pulled it down as if that's
how you leave a movie theater.
It never occurred to me
this isn't what
you've ever done
leaving a theater before.
I just--it was rote.
I was like,
"Oh, I better get my bag.
I better get my things."
And then I was like, yeah.
Up the aisle to--
straight to the little window
that you look out
if you're trying to escape.
And I'm looking at
the other passengers like,
what are these idiots
waiting for, the credits?
I was staring out
that little bagel window,
you know, like, wha--
and then I feel tap, tap, tap.
And I turn around, and
the flight attendant's like,
"Sweetie, there are three more
hours left on this flight."
And I was like, "I know."
I was like, "I'm going
to the bathroom to change."
Just layered on my lies.
I was like,
"Hoo, yum--
you're not gonna shame me."
And then I walked up
to the bathroom
and shoved my suitcase inside.
Apparently not only
was I not at a movie theater,
I had never flown
on an airplane before,
and knowing that you can't
bring your suitcase
into that little
urine-soaked wet box
and change your outfit,
but I did.
I put on a tube top
to prove a point.
And I walked back out
with my head held high.
I was like,
do not make eye contact!
You are a queen!
I sat back down in my seat,
and I was like,
"Hmm, what's next?"
It's like, this is like
an adventure.
I wonder where I'm going.
And who's gonna pick me up
when I get there?
And then I put in another
movie, and I watched that.
And when that ended,
I was like,
"Do not get up, bitch."
It's like, "Do not get up."
And then I wrote
on a piece of paper,
"You are on a plane."
It's not like you can look over
at your neighbor
and be like, "Hey...
speaking of nothing,
where are we headed?"
Anyway, so, that was the worst
experience I've ever had,
and I would frame that
as a B-plus.
So I'm back at the retreat
and this woman--
I don't remember her name,
who had the toad venom--
um, we'll call her Sierra Mist.
So she and I are walking down
to this, like, cottage
to do it,
and then this other
dipsy doodle comes running
out of the bushes
and she's like,
"Are you guys getting high?"
I'm like, "Back the fuck up."
First of all,
I don't like interlopers,
you know what I mean?
I don't wanna do drugs
with somebody
if it's their first time.
I don't have time
for that shit.
And a lot of people
depend on me
because I'm kind of like
a pharmacological intuit.
Like, I could look
at you and say, "Okay,
"you're gonna thrive on
this drug,
"you're gonna do
better on Xanax,
"you might prefer a Vicodin,
you might like an Adderall."
Like, I can tell
by looking at your body
and talking to you
for five minutes
what drug you are going
to respond to.
Don't talk to me about
melatonin either, people.
Okay?
Melatonin is for beginners.
Talk to me after
you've taken an Ambien
and woken up at
a Harrah's blackjack table,
$500 up,
with your eyeshades on.
Then you can talk to me
about fuckin' melatonin.
So a lot of people know this
about me.
Like, my sister,
she had trouble
making speeches at work,
'cause she would get dry mouth.
So I prescribed her
propranolol.
That's a beta blocker.
I said, "Take one 30 minutes
before you speak publicly."
She's been promoted twice.
She called me.
She's like, "Thank God we have
a doctor in the family."
Magnesium O7 by Aerobic Life
for women who have trouble
going to the bathroom.
A lot of women have trouble
going to the bathroom
every day.
If you take three of those
every night
for three nights,
you would have
solid shidoobees
for the rest of your life.
If you take four,
you will get diarrhea.
Some girls like that.
If you do, take four.
You'll get it.
Doxycycline will kill anything
in your system.
I mean, acne and malaria.
Two doxycycline
twice a day for ten days--
never on an empty stomach.
You'll vomit, okay?
It will knock anything
out of your system.
I take one every morning
just not to fuck around.
But I looked at this girl,
this other 7UP Light girl
that came out of the woods,
and I could tell
by her body type
that I didn't want her
to rain on my party.
And a lot of people think,
oh, heavier or taller people
can handle
more drugs and alcohol.
That is not true either.
It's those skinny
little bitches
you have to watch out for,
the ones who can
do coke all night
and then take one of
those Lime scooters to work
in the morning.
[laughter]
So I ixnayed her.
I said, "Listen,
I'm gonna do this, sweetie,
and I'll get back to you."
So I go down with Sierra,
we go to this cottage,
and she's like,
"Okay, you know,
this is gonna be
about 10 or 12 minutes."
And I'm like, "Huh? What?"
Like, "That's not fun,
10 or 12 minutes."
And she's like,
"Well, if you can han--"
I go, "Just give me
a double dose."
And she said, "No,
why don't you try it first?"
She says,
"It's transcendental,"
is the word that she used.
So I was already bored.
And then she said,
"You need to set an intention."
I was like...
[chuckles] "I don't care."
You know, "Why don't you
set one for me, okay?"
And she said,
"You need to set it."
I'm like,
"To be less of a cunt, okay?
"Is that an intention?
'Cause I would
like to do that."
So I take a hit,
and it's in, like,
a little crack pipe,
or whatever.
I take a hit,
and it's immediately terrible.
Like, the most terrible thi--
dark, swirly greens
and purples.
It was like I was
on a roller coaster
and my head was in a vice
and I couldn't move.
And then I open my eye;
I'm like,
"Oh, fuck.
She's still here."
I was like, "Mm,
I don't like this,
I don't like this,"
and I was like,
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're--
"you're gonna pass away today.
Oh, that's
what's happening."
And then I'm like,
"No, don't be so dramatic.
"You're not gonna pass away.
You've received brain damage,
"but you're already
a little bit on the spectrum,
so don't even worry, like"--
not that people on the spectrum
have brain damage,
but I definitely have it,
and I'm on some spectrum.
So I'm sitting there,
and I am sweating,
like, just drenched
in my own sweat.
And so I'm ripping
my clothes off
and I'm hyperventilating
and I'm like,
"Oh, don't say anything,
don't say anything."
And when I couldn't
wait anymore,
I was like,
"You have to make this stop.
I'm in a matrix."
And she puts her hand
on my chest
in between my naked boobs
and she's like,
"It's okay.
Shh.
You're in
a parallel universe."
I was like, "Bitch,
I don't have any Bitcoin.
Get me out of there."
And finally, I started
to come out of it,
and I was so, first of all,
embarrassed,
'cause I was nude...
And that I had
just lost complete control.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
And I open my eyes
and I look at her
and I look down at my body
and I was completely nude.
And I had forgotten that,
that morning,
I had put on nude underwear.
So when I looked down,
I just saw a bald bump.
And I was like,
"You shaved my beaver.
I knew something like that
was gonna happen this weekend."
And then I had to
get my stuff together,
like with the walk of shame
in the morning.
Like, turning away from her
when she's already seen
my nude body.
I'm, like, covering myself,
picking up my clothes.
And then I'm like,
"Thank you."
'Cause that's what girls do.
We say thank you
even when we've had
a terrible time.
So I did it two more times,
and I'm like,
"I definitely don't like this."
And then my curiosity
had reached its conclusion.
And I figured it was time
to go to a real therapist.
I needed to talk to somebody,
but I was embarrassed that
I needed to talk to somebody.
I had seen doctors
and therapists before,
but never with the intention
of, like, fixing anything
that really ran deep, you know.
I didn't have the mental
equipment to let anyone see me
for anything other
than what I'd become,
which was strong.
And because of that strength,
I wasn't about to sit
in a doctor's office and cry.
Crying for other people--
my friends--
about their problems, sure.
But crying for myself
about myself
was absolutely
out of the question.
So I sat down--
this guy's name is Dan,
he's a psychiatrist--
and I said,
"Hey, listen, I have
a lot of anger and outrage
"about Donald Trump,
and people are running
"when they see me coming.
Like, I'm losing friends.
I'm losing family members."
And he said,
"Okay, let's talk about that."
I said, "Well, I travel a lot.
So I'm in airports a lot.
"And I check in to
the first-class lounge,
"and then I immediately go over
to the Fox News section
and start going off on people."
I'm like, "You fuckin' racist!"
And then I run out.
And then I come back
and I'm like,
"Do you have a daughter
that doesn't have any rights?
'Cause she won't."
And then I run back in;
I'm like,
"Are you still a racist?"
And Dan is
really understanding,
and he's like, "Hey, it's
a really tricky time right now.
"Emotions are high.
You know, a lot of people
are enervated."
And I said, "Dan, I went
to the airport today,
and I didn't have a flight."
I told him that, you know,
before the election,
my biggest privileged decision
was whether or not
to install a waterslide
off of my bedroom balcony
into my pool
for the next time
my friends and I did molly.
And then I told him,
the day after the election,
I'm driving around
the streets of Bel Air,
where I live,
passing out water bottles
and blankets to the Mexican
workers in my neighborhood,
going, "You belong here!"
And them looking at me like,
"We're not all illegal,
you racist bitch."
Cheers.
I told him I had read this book
by Viktor Frankl
called
"Man's Search for Meaning,"
and in the book
there was a line
that made me put the book down.
And the line said,
"Stop thinking about
"what you expect out of life,
and start thinking about
what life expects out of you."
And I was like, "Wait, what?"
I'd never thought about what
life was expecting from me.
I was thinking about
what I was gonna get,
always about me and my family
and my friends
and my homes, my vacations.
I was taking, taking, taking,
without thinking
about my contribution.
And I told Dan, I said,
"I have to do better.
I wanna do better; I need
somebody to help me do better."
I said,
"But I feel so hopeless."
I mean, I had just read
an article that morning
that men were
masturbating into plants.
That's happening.
When did that start, you guys?
Wha--please stand up
if you've done that
and explain it.
Please, please get up.
If somebody's done that here,
you need to come forward.
Why did that start?
I mean, honestly, guys,
only a man would
do such a thing.
Poor plants.
I mean,
they've been sitting around
for how many millions of
millennia, minding their own--
giving us air to breathe.
And then cavemen come running
along with their dicks waving,
and plants are like,
"Oh, my God.
"What is gonna happen now?
Are we gonna get
ejaculated on?"
I mean, talk about
picking a victim
that can't get away.
Sickos.
Only a man would see a plant
and be like...
[grunting]
Only a man would do that.
No woman has ever done it.
In the history of the world,
no woman is like,
"Where's a cactus?"
Never!
Never ever, ever.
Not one time.
I'm willing to vouch
for all women everywhere.
Not in the history
of the world
or in the future history
of the world
will a woman ever have
said that she has done that
or will we catch one doing it.
That was
a disappointing revelation.
I mean, and it's not like
women don't get turned on
at inappropriate times,
you guys.
We do.
I get a manicure
and a pedicure every week.
And she does
that forearm massage--
this spot right here
is my sweet spot.
That's--when somebody
touches that, I'm like...
[moaning lightly]
I get--like, I flutter,
you know,
my eyes start to twitch,
and I'm like...
[moans]
And then I'm like,
open your eyes.
You're at a nail salon.
You can't do that right now.
You're in public,
you sick fucking bitch.
You can't audibly moan
while you're getting a massage.
That's not okay.
And in that moment,
when she does that,
I'm vulnerable.
Like, I would--
I would like it to continue
in different ways, maybe.
When she does
the little dipsy doo--
if she--even if in that moment,
if she tried to just go
a little bit too far,
like, up the leg,
and a little dipsy doodle,
like, a little
♪ Itsy-bitsy spider ♪
♪ Climbed up the water spout ♪
♪ Down came the rain ♪
If in that moment,
she did do that,
I might be like, "Yeah, yeah,
quick, quick, quick, quick."
"Do it, get in, get in, get in,
quick, quick, quick
"before anybody else walks in.
Hey, come on, come on."
I might even return
the favor.
I doubt it, but I might.
So I'm talking to
my new psychiatrist about this.
And I was like, "Dan,
I'm thinking I'm lit.
"You know, like, I know
I'm, like, woke,
and I know my shit."
And just that day,
I'd started filming
a documentary for Netflix
about white privilege.
And on the very first day
of shooting,
Netflix called me and said
I had to go to
sexual harassment training.
I was like...
f
Again?
And I had been on set
and this Black woman
sang this song
and I went to go hug her
and after I hugged her,
I smacked her on the ass.
I said, "Way to go, sister."
She did not like that.
But I didn't understand
why I had to go to sexual har--
I was like, "Why is this
sexual harassment?
I'm not hitting on her.
I'm straight."
And they're like,
"No, it's not about that.
"You have to call this woman
and apologize to her,
and you have to get her
to accept your apology."
And I was like--
and I was defensive.
And so I called her,
and I was like
"I just--I don't--
I was just trying to say,
'Hey, go girl.'
Like, sisterhood."
And she said, "It doesn't
matter what your intention was.
"It's how I received it,
"and you--Black women
have been defined
"by their hair and their asses
since the beginning of time.
You have no right
to touch my body."
And she was right.
I have no right
to touch her body
or anybody else's.
So I was sitting there
talking to Dan,
and I was like, "But can I
still touch white people?"
And he said, "No, no, you can't
touch anyone, Chelsea.
It's unwelcome."
And I was like, "But that's how
my family and I communicate."
I see my sister,
I grab her by the Pikachu.
I'm like, "Beep, beep!"
He's like, "You definitely
shouldn't be
doing that with family."
And that was a wake-up call,
'cause she was right
and I was wrong.
It's not about
your intention;
it's about the reception.
And any time you're defensive,
especially about racism,
you're fuckin' wrong.
And if you're a person
who doesn't think
that "white privilege"
is a real thing,
then you're a person
who's choosing to be part
of the problem rather than
being part of the solution.
Because the world is
only getting browner and gayer,
so you better hop on board.
So that was
lesson number one,
but not from Dan, but
I talked it through with him.
And then he wanted to know
about my family history.
I was like, that's not what
this is about.
Nothin' to see there.
I was like, my brother died
when I was a little girl;
my mom died, like,
8 or 10 years ago;
my dad's a huge
pain in the ass,
so hopefully he'll wrap things
up this year.
And I said,
"And quite frankly, like,
I'm ready to wrap it up, too."
I said,
"Dan, I'm not suicidal.
"You don't have to
worry about it.
"But people say
life is too short.
I think it's too long."
Like, there's so many annoying
people out here
and I just can't deal with it.
I said,
"I'm losing my patience,
and I need you to help me
with my lack of patience."
And he said, "Okay.
Give me some examples
of your lack of patience."
And I said, "Okay, fine."
I was at a table like this,
probably a little bigger,
with three of my girlfriends
before my session
that day with Dan.
My girlfriend orders
a turkey burger,
no onion, no bun,
no cheese.
That's fine.
We live in LA.
[groans]
So the server comes over
with his hands full,
with four plates,
and comes over
and we're all
sitting at a table.
We're not even talking.
And he says,
"Turkey burger?
Who ordered the turkey burger,
no onion, no bun, no cheese?"
And my friend
is just sitting there
like Stevie Wonder
playing the piano.
And he says it again, louder.
"Turkey burger.
No onion, no bun, no cheese."
And this is her.
I go, "Hey, you fucking cunt!
"Wake up!
"Is that your turkey burger?
You can't order that and then
forget that you ordered that."
[growls]
I said,
"So that's one example.
Would you like
to hear another?"
He said, "Yes, please go on."
I said, "Airports, airports.
I can't deal with the people
"that work
at Hudson Booksellers.
"What's wrong
with those people?
"What's up with the slowness
of the transaction?
"I can't deal with the slowness
of the transaction
"when I wanna buy a book.
"Are those people--
what is wrong with--
are they koala bears?"
He said, "Well, how do you
handle that?
I go, "I have to shoplift.
I have to."
I said, "I get the book,
and I wave it
"to the security camera--
"always, I say--
I always say,
'Hey, it's me, Chelsea Handler,
'I'm taking this
because your koala bear's
on a branch somewhere
in the back.'"
I'm like, "I'm gonna leave
40 bucks here,
"and hopefully they'll find it
"when she comes out
from her nap,
"if she'll find it
before a stranger does,
"but it's on this bookshelf.
I didn't steal.
I'm leaving,"
and then I skedaddle.
And Dan was looking at me
when I said that.
I was like, "What?
Is that white privilege too?"
He's like, "No, Chelsea.
White people aren't
even doing that."
I told him,
anything hotel related--
I'm like, "I spend tons
of times in hotels,
"and I get home at, like,
1:00 or 2:00 in the morning,
"I want my snack.
I call down,
"I order what I want
from room service,
and that's too slow."
At 1:30 in the morning,
there should be, like,
a double speed, you know,
where people
are quicker and more alert,
or--or just quicker.
Then they wanna repeat
the order back to me.
It's like, please,
whatever you think you heard,
just bring double.
And don't say "chicken fingers"
out loud again.
I'm 45 years old.
I don't wanna
have this conversation.
Do you know
how humiliating it is
to call you in the first place
and order this
at 1:30 in the morning?
And now you wanna go over it
and shame me again?
Just bring them.
And then they bring them
and that's--
that's a whole episode
in and of itself.
It's like, with the cart
and the fork and the knife
and they set me up
like I'm fine dining
at 2:00 in the morning
with some chicken fingers.
As if I'm going to use
a fork and a knife to cut up
my chicken fingers.
You could throw them at me
across the room
and I will
catch them in my mouth.
And then I have to pretend
I have a fake daughter
that's, you know, in the bath.
I'm like, "My daughter's
getting out of the bath.
"Can you wrap this up, please?
Get the fuck out of here."
I said, "I could get annoyed
during a hotel massage, Dan.
That's the kind of bitch I am."
The way they talk to you after
a 45-minute Swedish massage
is ridiculous.
[voice wavering] "You're gonna
wanna be careful...
getting up."
Why?
What? Did you amputate my legs?
Why do I need
to be careful getting up?
This is supposed to be
more relaxing, not stressful.
And then they hand you
a gross Dixie cup
of room-temperature water.
It's like, "Ugh,
I don't want that."
[mockingly] "You're gonna wanna
drink a lot of water."
No, I won't.
Fuckin' hate water.
The only thing
more offensive to me
than room-temperature water
is room-temperature
sparkling water.
That is like,
"Fuck you and your family."
So I said,
"So what do you think I have
after all of this?"
I said, "What do you think
it is, Dan?
What? ADD?
What?"
He said...
[laughs]
"I don't know
if you have ADD."
He's like, "I have no idea
if you have that.
You could take
a test for that."
It's like, great.
He said,
"It's eight hours long."
I was like, "Well, let's just
operate under the assumption
that I have it."
He said, "I think
you lack empathy."
I was like,
"Like a Republican?"
And I had him draw
the distinction for me
between sympathy and empathy
because I couldn't remember.
I said,
"Wait, sympathy is what?"
He said, "Sympathy is when
you feel sorry for somebody,
"or you feel badly
for somebody.
Somebody's going through
a bad time and you help them."
I said, "Oh, I've got that."
I would do that
for any of you sitting here.
I would do that for strangers.
Yeah, I've got sympathy.
He said, "Empathy is
actually thinking about
"what it's like
to be that person
"that's going through
a difficult time--
"actually thinking about
what it's like
"to be in their shoes.
Have you ever done that?"
I was like, "Oh, no."
I was like, "That's depressing.
No."
He said, "You need
to think about the woman
"that's working at
the Hudson Booksellers store.
"You need to think about
the fact that she may have
"more than one job,
or that she has to deal
"with people like you
all day long.
"You have to think about
the fact that
she's got a family at home."
And I'm like...
[sighs]
"I have to think about
all those koala bears?"
But it made sense,
and I was clicking.
It was like, oh, wait,
paying somebody to tell you
what's wrong with you
is a great transaction.
I was like, no friends
are gonna tell you, you know.
I was like,
"Oh, okay, great."
I'm like,
"How do I get empathy?
Is there an app
I can download?"
And he said, "Can you think
of any experiences
that you've had recently
where you lacked empathy?"
I was like, "Um, yeah."
And all of a sudden,
all these light bulbs
went on in my head,
and I remembered
going to this movie
with one of my gay friends.
It was called
"Call Me By Your Name."
It came out, like,
three years ago.
And I didn't know what
the movie was when we went in,
but five minutes in, I did.
And I was like, "Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this?"
I go, "What is this?
A gay love story?"
He goes, "Yeah.
Shut up."
I go, "You're so selfish."
And Dan looked at me;
he said,
"Do you know why that's wrong?"
I go, "I think so.
"'Cause gay people have had
to sit through
"straight people's love stories
since the beginning
of fucking time."
And he goes, "Yeah."
So now at my house,
all I have on a loop,
all day long
is gay porn.
Out of respect.
Finding out I lacked empathy
was, like, a huge light bulb,
and I was so excited.
I was on board with therapy,
and he got me from that.
I'm like, "You're right.
I don't have empathy.
"Okay, let's go,
let's go, what else?
And he said
"What about relationships?"
I'm like, "No good.
I'm not good at that."
He said, "Do you want
to be in a relationship?"
I'm like,
"Whatever you say, I'll do.
"If you think
I should be in one,
I'll go find somebody."
[laughs]
I said, "But I--
"It's tricky
'cause everybody annoys me,
"and men annoy me.
"Their belts annoy me,
their shoes--
everything about them."
I said, "But if we're gonna
do something,
we should lock
something down quick."
I mean, I'm in
a denim onesie right now.
I have orthotics
in every pair of my shoes.
One of my eyes
is going bald.
I have to shave my face
in the shower in the morning
to get rid of this facial hair
that I'm starting to grow.
I used aftershave the other day
for the first time.
Either I'm transitioning
and I don't know it...
or I'm in decline.
I saw my elbow the other day
in the mirror.
I was like,
is that an iguana?
What is that?
What happened?
And why does it look like
a butt?
The other day I coughed,
and liquid came
out of my vagina.
That, I blame on 50 Cent.
And I went to my doctor,
and she was, like,
doing my hormone testing,
and she's like, "Okay, sweetie,
You're low on testosterone."
I'm like, "I don't think
I'm low on testosterone."
I'm like, "I could give a man
some testosterone."
I'm like,
"I'm very aggressive."
She's like,
"That's not testosterone."
So she said,
"You have none."
And she said,
"It's just better that you
replace your hormones
when you start to lose them."
And I'm like...
[groans]
So I started
taking testosterone,
which is, you know,
some cream you have to rub
on your leg
like an older woman.
And I was like, okay, well,
here we go.
I'm just heading
into elderly territory.
And then I go back
to the same doctor,
like, two months later
and I was like,
"My hair
is really thin on top.
Do you know what
that could be from?"
And she's like, "Well,
are you on testosterone?"
I'm like "Yeah--yeah, bitch,
you prescribed it to me.
"Don't you remember?
What are you?
A vet?
Are you a vet?"
And I said, "What
are the side effects of--
I mean, what is testosterone
even doing for me?"
I mean, I don't want--
I don't want to lose my hair.
And one of my eyelashes--
I mean,
one of my eyes
is almost bald.
I have two eyelashes
that have come in
over the past two years.
Like, none will sprout.
And she says, "Well,
it helps with your sex drive."
I'm like, "So you want me
to be bald and horny?"
And then what?
What's the game plan
after that?
Just play solitaire
all by myself every night?
The thing is, I like older men.
When I was 20, that was fine,
'cause they were 40.
When I was 30,
I dated a 50-year-old.
When I was 35,
I dated a 55-year-old.
I'm 45.
I'm not down
to fuck a 65-year-old.
Okay, that margin
needs to close.
I'm all for 65-year-olds,
and I'll fuck you
when I get to be your age.
But not now.
It's--it's too much.
There is an age where men
either start to look
like women,
or they get the slippery lips,
where their mouths
turn into Jacuzzis.
And that's when I skedaddled.
Which brings me to the strong
and deep sexual feelings
that I have developed
for Andrew Cuomo.
I mean, I know we all feel it.
A lot of women are feeling it.
When he came on the scene,
he looked like
the Incredible Hulk also.
You know,
that big Italian gorilla.
It's like,
"Put on your mask,"
I'm like,
"Oh, I'll put my mask on.
Oh yeah, I will.
I'll put on my mask."
He's the kind of asshole
that I will do shit for.
And you know he's an asshole,
and that's what I like
about him.
Like, an old-fashioned asshole,
somebody who's gonna tell me
to sit down and shut up.
I want him to flatten my curve
and then I wanna
flatten his curve.
And then I want us
to apex together.
And he can mansplain to me
all night long about fishing
or motorcycles
or whatever dumb shit he's into
that I will pretend
that I am into,
because that's how down
I am with him.
Guess who's not jerking
off into plants?
Andrew Cuomo.
I want him to govern me...
multiple times.
I imagine us spending
long weekends together
in the Adirondacks,
playing games of "Clue,"
a game I thought
I had already mastered
that he's teaching me
entirely new strategies to.
I imagine him getting very sick
and me having
the only medication
that can make him better.
Two doxycycline...
twice a day for ten days.
Never on an empty stomach.
I would keep him
slightly dehydrated
so wouldn't get
the slippery lips.
Because he's got them.
He's got them.
He's on the cusp of exactly
what I'm talking about--
that big mouth,
and it's wet,
and in two more years,
he's gonna be able
to swallow me
like a meatball sub.
But I need to get
in there quick,
because once the curve
flattens for good,
so will my crush.
I told Dan that I mostly
hook up on vacation
when I travel internationally,
'cause there's always
a language barrier,
and that works
to my advantage--
when people can't really
understand what I'm saying.
We went on a scuba diving trip
with my girlfriend
for her 40th birthday.
And we all had
to get certified,
and I'm not really good
in a classroom setting.
So I wasn't paying attention,
and they were like, okay,
everyone needs a buddy.
I'm like, "I don't want to be
anybody's buddy,
"I-I'm not gonna help anybody
with their oxygen tank.
Like, everyone's--I can't--
I'm not the girl for that."
So my cousin Molly
was my buddy.
I'm like,
"But I'm not gonna save you,
"so, like, we should split up,
and I should go with
one of the guides."
They had two divemasters.
And we're in French Polynesia,
and we're shark diving.
And I don't know
what I'm doing.
I'm just like, I can't
get my mask on normal.
And I'm already underwater
and shit is,
like, messed up
all of a sudden.
I'm, like, trying
to tie my sneaker underwater.
You know, that's the kind of
situation I was in.
And she pulls on my leg.
And I freak out,
and I look down,
and there's this huge
blacktip reef shark,
and underwater, you can't tell
if it's five feet away
or 20 feet away.
So I go to kick it immediately.
And I go back,
'cause I have my scuba tank on,
and my goggles
fill up with all this water,
and I can't see anything.
So I'm just sitting there,
waiting to be eaten by a shark,
and I can't see.
And you can't ascend
when you scuba dive
'cause you could hurt yourself
and your equilibrium--
you can screw that up.
So I'm just panicking
and having, I think,
my very first panic attack.
I don't know what else
you could describe it as.
And I'm like, "Uhh, uhh!"
And all of a sudden,
my divemaster comes down,
smashes my mask against
my face, looks me in the eye,
and he's like...
[breathing] "Breathe."
And then he holds my hand.
I'm like,
"Oh, I'm gonna fuck you.
"I'm gonna--as soon as
we get to land,
"I'm gonna fuck
the shit out of you.
"This the hottest rescue
I've ever had.
Oh, my God, I love
a man in charge of me."
And then we did
the rest of our dive
holding hands
like an underwater couple.
I've never been so happy.
My friends were
all looking at me,
giving me the finger
underwater.
Then we got to the top
after our dive,
and we got in the little boat,
and he took his mask off
and I was like,
"Oh, whoopsie doodle.
You're gonna wanna
put that back on."
I was skiing in
Switzerland once
and I wiped out really badly
and I ended up tearing my ACL.
And so I'm, like, tumbling down
this mountain.
I was skiing
out of control,
and I paid the price for it.
And I--as I'm crashing,
I hear,
click, click, click,
click, click.
And I'm like, oh my God,
my legs are gone.
You know, like,
I'll just be
a floating neck
when I stop.
And I stopped, finally,
and I look up
at my Austrian ski guide,
and he's, like,
smoking a cigarette.
He's like... [in accent]
"You just tore your ACL.
Helicopter is coming."
I was like, "Helicopter?
This is exciting."
And a helicopter came in,
we're in the Swiss Alps,
and my three girlfriends
are just staring at me like,
"Again?"
And they come down,
and these two medics run out
and they run over to me
and I'm lying on the ground.
And they're like,
"Are you okay?"
And I'm trying to be tough.
I'm like, "Yes, I'm okay."
They're like,
"Are you in pain?"
I'm like, "Nope."
And they're like,
"No morphine?"
I'm like, "I'm in pain!"
And then they whisk me away
on the stretcher
back to the helicopter,
and I get in the helicopter.
The wind is blowing;
the propellers are blowing;
there's snow everywhere.
It was so romantic.
And I get in, and there's
two pilots and two medics.
I'm like, I'm gonna
fuck all four of these guys.
I'm like, this is gonna be
like a reverse gangbang.
Look at me.
So turned on,
so turned on by that rescue.
I was like...
[moaning]
But it was a 45-minute ride
to the hospital
and they had
these thick German accents
and I'm a Jew,
so I was like,
well, I'm not fuckin'
these guys.
Not giving these Nazis
another victory.
I'll take one of you,
but not all four, not today.
And when I finished
telling Dan that,
he was looking at me funny
and he said,
"You know, I really think
you need to settle down.
"You need to stop.
You're moving very, very fast.
"And it seems to me
that you could benefit a lot
from meditation."
And I was like...
[groans]
Meditation, to me, sounded like
room-temperature water.
And he said, "I want you
to commit to meditation
for three months."
And I was like, "Three months?
That's like a pregnancy."
And he was like, "Eh,
that's nine months, Chelsea.
Pregnancy is nine months,
and you know that."
I go, "You know what, Dan,
some are nine,
"some are three, some are one.
Don't even get me started,
okay."
And then cannabis became legal
in the state of California.
And there was all of this
education that has been missing
for all of these years
with cannabis.
You no longer had
to take a cookie and find out
you were on a transcontinental
flight seven hours later.
Cannabis became my gateway drug
into meditating.
It allowed me
to, like, slow down.
It was cannabis and meditation
and therapy.
And it was working.
I was slowing down.
And I was thinking
before I spoke,
which, before I met Dan,
was something
that never even occurred to me.
And with microdosing,
you know, you could take, like,
2 1/2 milligrams,
1 milligram,
5 milligrams--
you take a blueberry--
you're never gonna be
off your rocker.
It just sanded down the edges,
and I stopped watching the news
24 hours a day
and I stopped being so angry
at Donald Trump and Ivanka.
You know, I was able
to focus on other things
and I was able to be
happier and lighter
and I started drinking less,
which was a sentence
that I thought would never ever
come out of my mouth.
And I was so excited
because now cannabis
can be a drug that you control,
not a drug that controls you.
So I was excited about
the prospects of cannabis,
not only in my life,
but all my friends'
and family's lives.
All the people I've been
prescribing medication to
were now getting cannabis
instead.
Anybody who had trouble
sleeping,
I'm like, try this gummy.
Anybody who had anxiety,
I'm like, try this edible,
try this mint, try this
chocolate-covered blueberry.
It was helping
all sorts of people,
and I was doing research
and collecting data
and I was keeping notes
in my medical journal.
The best part, I think,
about edibles is that
you take a little edible,
and then sometimes
you forget you've taken one,
and then, like, 45 minutes
later, you're like, mm,
everything's a little bit
more sparkly, you know?
Everybody's a little bit
less fuckin' annoying,
and you're like, yeah, I could
talk to you for another hour.
So my family came out
to visit me in LA
for Thanksgiving,
and my sister's
a recovering Mormon,
and I said, "Hey, I want you
to try this.
"Like, I know you don't like
fun, but do you wanna
try this chocolate-covered
blueberry?"
I said, "I think
you're gonna like it."
And she's like,
"Yeah, yeah, I'll try it."
And she loved it.
She came back into the kitchen
an hour later.
She goes, "Oh, sissy,
I feel so warm and fuzzy."
I go, "Isn't it great?"
And she goes,
"Oh, my God, yes.
"This is, like,
better than drinking.
This is just--
I love everybody."
And I'm like, "I know.
Do you want another one?"
She said, "Can I?"
I go, "Oh, yeah."
And I put in my medical
journal, "She's taking two."
An hour later, she walked
into the living room
from the kitchen
with a frozen ham
underneath her arm.
And I'm like, "What--what--
what's that about?"
I'm like, "You wanna
cook a ham right now?"
She's like, "No, I just opened
the freezer and saw this,
and it reminded me of Mom."
I was like, "Oh, sissy,
let's go to bed."
So we went upstairs,
and we got into bed.
I took the frozen ham
and I threw it in the sauna.
I was like, this will be ready
at some point.
And we got into bed,
and we were just, like,
snuggling and cuddling
like sisters do,
and we were laughing
and it was so fun.
And it was like
we were like little girls.
And she was like,
"Oh, my God.
This the best feeling."
She's like, "I can't believe
we're in our 40s
"and we still get
to act like this.
How long are we gonna be able
to act like this?"
And I'm like, "Sissy, we will
always be able
to act like this."
And then I stuck my finger
in her butt,
and she passed right out.
So I walked into Dan's office
after my family left,
and I was like, "Hey, Dan."
I go,
"Cannabis has changed my life.
I'm meditating"--
I was meditating every morning
for 20 minutes.
I was going to the airport.
I wasn't even going
to the Fox News lounge.
I wasn't yelling at people
who disagreed with me
politically.
I was trying
to have compassion and empathy.
And I was being more patient,
and I was holding my tongue
more.
And I said, "You know,
listen, Dan, like,
"cannabis is the way
to keep families together.
"Like, this is the best
family vacation we've ever had.
Like, everyone got along.
It was fun."
And he said, "Great.
I'm in support of that."
And he handed me an orange,
very casually.
He said, "Hey, I picked this
off my tree this morning.
I thought you might like
an orange."
And I was revolted.
I was like, "Orange?"
I'm like, first of all,
he knows how I feel
about this color
since the election.
And then I burst into tears,
and I was so embarrassed,
'cause he had not seen me cry
and I didn't want him
to see me cry.
And I immediately put up
the orange
in front of my eyes.
I was, like, holding it,
and then I was stabbing it
with my thumb,
so the citrus was squirting
into my eyes.
I was like, "Ow, shit."
And then I was really crying,
and then I was, like,
convulsively crying.
And there was snot
coming out of everywhere.
And then at one point,
somehow, snot had alley-ooped
up to my forehead and then
dropped back down to my chin.
I looked like Brett Kavanaugh
during his senate
confirmation hearing.
[imitates wailing]
Like a big white male baby.
[groans]
And finally, I dropped it.
And I looked at him,
and I knew I had no way out.
And I said, "I need to tell you
about the day my brother died
and what happened
to my family."
And I told him
about my brother,
that there were six of us,
and I was the youngest.
I was the baby, and my brother
Chet was the oldest.
He was the only family member
who understood
that I was born
going through menopause,
that I was a sweaty baby,
you know, and that eventually
I would have to retire
somewhere probably
in the Arctic.
And he was the only person
in my family
who knew that when I ate soup,
I had to be topless,
'cause I would
immediately start sweating.
And when I was a little girl,
that was fine.
And--but when I was eight,
I remember
we had this summer house
in Martha's Vineyard,
and my--my--my, like,
buds had come in.
You know, they weren't
really boobs yet,
but they were just, like,
flappy titties,
where your, like,
nipple just goes down
before it's gonna burst,
you know.
And I remember hearing
my father say to my brother,
"You gotta cover her up
if you go into town now.
Like, she can't
be topless anymore."
'Cause I walked around topless
my entire childhood.
And I remember hearing that.
I'm like, "Ugh.
What's he talking about?"
And my brother
took me into town
to go to this place
called the Quarterdeck,
where we would always
get fast food.
We would get--I mean,
it wasn't fast food,
but it was, like, you know,
a Vineyard place.
You get takeout,
like, fried clams,
or a lobster roll
or steamers
or whatever you're into.
And I remember that day.
I was sitting there,
and I was holding
my brother's hand
at the takeout counter,
and I was like,
"I'll have the clam chowder."
He's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
He goes, "No cla--
let's not do soup today."
And I said, "What do you mean?
I want clam chowder."
He's like, "Ehh, that's not--
we can't have that today.
"Like, we can take it to go,
"but we can't sit out
and eat clam chowder.
We'll explain it to you
when we get home."
And I was like,
"But I really want it."
And he said, "Okay.
"If you really want it,
we can go in my car
and you can eat it
in the car."
And I was like,
"All right, whatever."
And I'll never forget that day.
I sat in my brother's car
eating my clam chowder
with my top off,
just sweating.
And my brother had his back
against the passenger's side
window
to cover up the little
eight-year-old girl
that was nude in his car.
Just like R. Kelly.
And we used to have this game
where we'd be, like--
he'd come home from work,
and he'd come
running up to my parents' room,
and I was always hiding
under the covers
in my mom's bed.
And he'd come up and go,
"Where is she? Where is she?"
It'd be, like,
at 11:00 at night.
And I'd hide under the covers
and my mom would be like,
"She's not here."
And I'd be like,
"Shut up, Mom.
You're not even in this game."
And then he'd grab me
by the ankles under the covers,
throw me over his shoulders
and we'd run downstairs
and we'd go into the kitchen
and I'd make him
a big bowl of Raisin Bran.
And I knew the exact
right ratio of Raisin Bran
to bananas to milk
that he liked.
And I would make him his dinner
and then we'd sit there
like a couple
and talk about our day.
And I remember him telling me
he wasn't coming
to Martha's Vineyard that year
because he was going
on a hiking trip
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
And I was mad because I would
always drive up with him,
and he would leave
the window down the whole way
so I could have fresh air
blowing in my face
and be topless.
And he said, "Don't worry.
I'll meet you
"in two weeks on the Vineyard.
I will never, ever
leave you with these people."
And then he went
to Jackson Hole, Wyoming,
and fell off a cliff
and died three days later.
[voice breaking]
And Dan said, "What...
then what happened?"
And I said, "I just--
"I just remember
going into the kitchen
"and throwing away
all the cereal.
"Like, cereal was over.
It was a wrap on it.
"Childhood was over.
Our family was over.
I haven't had cereal
since that day."
And he said, "What happened
with your family?"
And I said, "It was awful."
My father was
this big, strong man
who was in charge of everything
and didn't fuck around.
I'd never seen my father cry.
And I remember sitting shiva--
you know, what Jews do
when people die--
with all these relatives
and neighbors and strangers
coming to our house,
and my dad,
who was so strong
and so in charge,
sitting on the couch
like a baby, crying.
And I was looking at him,
and I was so embarrassed.
I was like,
"What are you doing?
"What is happening,
what--he's dead,
"and you're gonna di--
what are you doing?
"Where the fuck
are the adults right now?
I'm nine, I--
what is happening?"
And I remember, I thought,
oh, I got--
I gotta grow up.
This is--this is it.
It's over.
And at some point, we went back
to Martha's Vineyard,
to our summer house, and my dad
was sitting on the deck,
and we had a house
in front of the water.
And he was sitting on the deck,
and my parents' faces had
changed after my brother died.
They were just old,
all of the sudden.
And they were gray--
and gray in the face,
and I wanted joy back.
I didn't know
what was happening.
I just wanted to bring joy
to them again.
I wanted them to laugh again.
I wanted...
anything to happen.
And I remember I walked outside
and I saw my father
sitting there,
just holding his head.
And it was a beautiful
sunny day,
and I said, "Hey, Dad,
"can we please just
go in the water?
I was like, "Please?"
And he said,
"No one's going in the water.
My boy is dead."
And I walked off the deck,
and I thought,
I'm gonna go in alone.
And the only rule
in my family growing up
was you could not
swim by yourself.
You could shoot heroin
or hide a body,
but you could not swim alone.
"Jaws" was filmed
on Martha's Vineyard, okay.
We were scared of
that mechanical shark
for a long time.
But I didn't care, 'cause--
and I was so scared
to defy my father.
My father would--you know,
he would smack me.
Like, I was scared of him,
especially in that state.
But I didn't care
because my need for joy
was paramount to my fear.
And I walked off the deck,
and I remember
walking down to the water,
and I just said,
keep going, keep going.
And I got in the water,
and I swam out, like, 20 yards
and I turned around.
And he had gone inside.
And...
Dan said,
"Sit with that feeling."
And I said, "I can't.
It's too painful."
He said, "Sit with it.
What do you feel right now?"
I'm like, "I'm so angry.
I'm so angry."
And he said, "Yes, but what's
underneath the anger?"
And I'm like, "Hurt.
I'm fucking hurt.
"I'm hurt that my brother
went off and ditched me
"when he told me
he was gonna come back.
And then my father ditched me."
And he said, "Yes,
what's underneath the hurt?"
I'm like, "I don't know, Dan,
I'm paying you
to tell me
what's underneath the hurt."
He said, "Rejection.
"You took that as rejection,
"because that's what
a nine-year-old girl thinks.
"It doesn't matter that your
brother had a hiking accident.
"It matters that he told you
he was coming back
"and he didn't come back,
"so for a nine-year-old
little girl, he rejected you.
"And then your father
rejected you,
"so you were broken up with
twice by the age of nine.
"This is why,
when I handed you an orange,
"you were revolted,
"because it requires you
to be vulnerable with a man,
"and you don't trust men,
because the two men
you trusted the most lied."
And he said, "This is where
your lack of empathy comes in.
"How are you meant
to have empathy for anyone
"when you've never even
grieved yourself?
"You've never allowed
yourself to
because you had to be strong."
And I'm looking at him,
hearing these things,
and I'm like...
"Oh, my God,
I wanna fuck you, too."
He's like, "You don't
wanna fuck me."
I'm like,
"I do in this moment.
I wanna fuck you."
He's like, "No, you want
someone to take care of you.
"That's why you hire guides
"and why you hook up
with guides,
'cause you're paying them
to take care of you."
And he's like,
"And you're also paying them,
technically,
to have sex with you."
I'm like,
"Dan, that's too far."
I didn't know that my brother's
death was defining me.
I didn't know that
I had the ability to say no
to being defined by death.
[sighs]
Now I was with a person
who could help me process
what happened
and turn the parts of me
that still acted
like a nine-year-old
little girl
into a self-actualized adult
who had come to
a better understanding
of what it means
to dig deep and admit
that you're in pain,
thereby relinquishing
that pain
or beginning to
relinquish that pain.
My brother dying no longer
had to define my existence.
It's part of who I am--
perhaps the biggest part--
but it's not all of me.
I define me.
I decide who I am.
No event or person does this.
I decide
how I'm going to behave
and I know now that
vulnerability is not weakness,
that vulnerability is strength.
So I was excited.
I went home.
I was packing my bags.
I was leaving for Clearwater,
Florida, the next day
to visit the Scientologists...
to try and knock some sense
into them.
And I got on my plane,
and I was feeling so good.
I had the information
that I needed
to understand why I reacted--
you know, I wasn't mad
at Donald Trump.
Of course I fuckin' hate
Donald Trump,
but that was representative
of the other time
my life became unhinged.
It was a trigger--a word
I never thought I would use.
But it made sense.
And I was putting
all these pieces together,
and I was so grateful.
And I was sitting on the plane,
and I saw this large man
walking towards me.
and I was like, oh, I hope
he doesn't sit next to me.
I could tell by his body type
that he was a Trump supporter.
He looked like a swollen tick.
And he had these denim pants--
they're on--
they weren't pants--
they weren't denim.
They looked denim,
but they were cloth.
And I was like...
[groans]
That is tricky.
I don't like that, I don't--
and then I was like,
no, no, no.
You--you're not
that person anymore.
You don't judge people based on
their denim-looking pants,
okay?
This person is a man
with a family.
Stop looking at the exterior
and start thinking
about the interior of people.
That's what Dan taught me.
I was like, this is
a man with a family.
I immediately closed my eyes.
Like, this is an opportunity.
This is an opportunity
to talk to somebody
who voted for Donald Trump
and actually be kind
and generous
and understand
or try to understand
why they would
do something like that.
So I closed my eyes,
and I'm doing my breathing.
I'm like, okay,
opportunity, opportunity.
I'm like, think about his
family; he's got a wife.
I'm like, well,
she probably hates him too.
I'm like, no.
I'm like, no, Chelsea.
Wives love husbands usually.
I mean, just--
no, he has children.
He's someone's father.
And I'm like,
they fuckin' hate him too.
I'm like, if they saw him
in these shorts,
they'd fuckin' be pissed too.
And I was like, no, no, no.
And then I--I was like, okay,
I can do this.
I ordered from the flight
attendant a bowl of cereal
for my first time
in 30 years.
I was like, I am gonna do this.
I'm gonna have
a bowl of cereal
with a side of Republican.
And I took my first bite
of cereal,
and that's when I smelled
my first fart.
There were eight.
I know this
because I counted,
because they were
like tsunamis.
You thought one was over,
and then it was done--
you know, a tsunami happens,
and the water recedes,
and people come down
from the trees,
and they're like,
"Okay, it's gone."
And then, fuck,
another wave is coming.
That's what that was like.
So the first one, I was like,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that me?
Did I fart?
And then there was
the second one,
I'm like oh, he--
he's farting on me.
This Trump supporter
is really, really,
really checking me right now.
This is really testing me.
And then I'm thinking, like,
oh, my God,
he needs a panty shield,
you know.
Like, this is--
he needs something.
He definitely needs
a doxycycline.
So I went in my bag,
and I got some out.
I took one.
I also put one on his plate,
but I closed my eyes.
And I was like, just breathe,
breathe, breathe.
You can deal with this too.
This is just another challenge.
[inhales, exhales]
And then I realized
I was sucking the air
from his asshole into my nose.
And I was like, no...
[exhaling]
Remembered my--the Lamaze
from my fake daughter,
and I was like...
[breathing heavily]
And I kept my eyes shut.
I obviously lost my appetite.
I didn't eat anything else.
And when the flight attendant
came over to clear my tray,
I didn't even look up.
I just sat there trying
to get myself together.
And then finally, he got up
to go to the bathroom.
And when he did,
she came back over,
and she said,
"Are you okay?"
And I'm like, "Are you?"
And then I turned around
to look at the other
hostages...
I was like, "People are going
to pass away on this flight."
And she said, "Well, hopefully
he's just in the bathroom now
getting rid of it."
I said, "What?
You can't say that."
I was like,
"Getting rid of it?
"You need to call ahead
to the airport--
"you need to call ahead
to the airport and--
"do you guys have
a hospital there?
"Because he's gonna need
a colonoscopy.
"Okay, and you need to see
if there's a doctor
"or a vet on board, okay?
"This is a ser--
he went to Chipotle,
and things took
a hard left turn."
And he comes out
of the bathroom,
and she scuttles away,
and I'm like, oh, God.
I'm like, okay, okay, okay.
You have to think of
the most loving, kind way
to tell someone
to stop farting.
So he comes walking over,
and he sits down
and it's loud and...
[exhales]
I said, "Sir,
will you please
stop what you're doing?"
And he said, "Excuse me?"
I go, "Stop it with your butt."
[squeaks meekly]
And then I just covered my eyes
and I sat like this
for the rest of the flight,
rocking myself like a baby.
And I was like,
don't say anything else,
don't be a cunt,
don't start a confrontation.
You've farted too.
You've farted too, okay.
You've had bad situations.
Remember Panda Express?
Remember?
Don't--
don't judge him,
don't judge him.
And I was so excited.
We were descending.
And I was like, you did it, you
did it, you didn't do anything.
Like, if that had
just been six months ago--
six months before
I had gone to therapy,
just six months--he would have
gone to the bathroom.
I would've formed a gang.
I would be the leader
of the gang.
I would've lurched at him
like this,
grabbed him by the neck,
pinned him down on the floor--
'cause I have strength
like that--
and flipped him over
like a baby
and stapled his asshole shut.
But I didn't do that
because I'm growing.
And they're called baby steps.
So as we were
leaving the plane--
the plane had landed,
he gathered his stuff.
I didn't make eye contact.
We never had the relationship
I thought we could have
because he ruined it
with his asshole.
And the flight attendant came
over as I was leaving,
and she's like, "It was a
pleasure having you on board."
I was like, "Yeah, thank you."
I was like,
"The pleasure was all yours."
And she said, "Hey,
can I ask you something?"
And I was like,
"Yeah, of course."
And she said, "I heard
a funny story about you once."
I was like, "Oh, really?"
I go, "Which one?"
She said, "I heard
you were so high once
you tried to get off
a plane mid-flight."
I said,
"I've heard that story too."
I said,
"That was Elizabeth Banks."
Thank you, guys!
Does anybody want
some complementary oranges?
There you go.
Thank you, New Jersey.
It's good to be home.
[upbeat music]
Oh, yeah!
Thank you, guys!
I love you guys.
Thank you.
♪ ♪