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♪♪♪
[ electronic message chime ] MAN 1: Hey, Jennifer.
Greetings from Pensacola.
I'm gonna disembowel you
and f * k you as you are dying.
Gary, get off your phone.
The kids are only young once.
♪♪♪
[ electronic message chime ]
MAN 2: Hi, Jenny. Serious question.
Why are fat foids like you so confident?
I've never seen you, but I can tell
you're a real land whale.
♪♪♪
[ electronic message chime ]
Dear Jenny, Lena Dunham is
the preeminent feminist scholar of our generation.
Why do you hate women so much?
I hope this finds you well.
Sincerely, Felicity Warren. Send.
♪♪♪
WOMAN: You know what's been on my mind lately? Failure.
Failure is about the lies that we tell ourselves.
"I can't do this, I'm not good at that."
But the truth is, the only thing standing between you
and the life you desire is yourself.
You dictate the terms of your life.
You decide what you're willing to accept.
You show the world what you--
- I'm sorry? - I just wanted you to know
that I think you look really pretty.
Thank you.
♪♪♪
Come in.
Hi, Cheryl, I--
I was wondering if I could talk to you for minute?
Absolutely. Come on in.
Did you order the cake for Jason's birthday?
The intern's at Electric Zoo until Monday.
- It's been ordered. - Oh, my gosh!
Thank you so much. You're amazing.
Thank you for bringing that up. Um...
Because I--I--I actually-- I actually agree.
With what?
I am...am...
I've been working really hard lately.
I've kept up with all my post quotas.
I've stayed late every single night,
and...and I think it shows.
I'd like a raise.
First of all, let me say that I am honored
that you chose to speak to me about this.
Well, you're my boss, so...
As the first female editor-in-chief
for "The Scribbler," it is so very important to me
that the women here feel respected and heard.
Thank you. And we--we feel it.
- How old are you? - Twenty-nine.
Oh, my God. I wrote this 20 years ago,
so I've been lifting up women since you were an idiot baby.
As you probably knew, I was the first female editor
of the "Harvard Crimson," and that I went to Harvard.
I did know that, yes.
And I was the first female embedded journalist
in Bosnia in 1991.
Wow.
Seven days ago, I helped a woman
I'd never met before
carry a mattress up 12 flights of stairs.
Twelve.
I did not know that.
So believe me when I tell you
when you want something
you find a way to make it happen.
Yas, queen.
Yas, queens.
Yas. Queen.
Queens.
- Cheryl? - What?
It's just about that raise...
Yes, okay, it's a hard no. I'm so sorry.
We just don't have the budget for it. Maybe next year.
I bring in more traffic than anyone else on staff.
Please stop talking about traffic.
All you kids, always with the traffic.
This is not a place that cares about traffic.
Not a place that cares about traffic.
- Okay? - Right. No traffic.
Lena Dunham's rescue dog gave birth this morning
and I want you to write something up.
Why wasn't the dog neutered?
That's a good question.
Unless, of course, the dog was adopted
in a family way.
Do you see where I'm coming from?
I'm curious about it also.
It's just if I could get 40 instead of 36
it would make a huge difference to me.
Cancel one of your porn site subscriptions!
There's your $4,000!
- Porn is free. - Is it?
Most of the time.
Okay, well, then, stay away from the avocado toast.
[ sighs ]
Nothing is guaranteed in journalism.
Nothing. In this economy?
Oh, God damn it!
Do you not know how lucky you are to have a job?
I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you,
I'm just speaking in strident tones.
- No, yes. - But it's time
to get back to work, okay?
- Okay. - Here we go.
- Oh, this is-- - Oops, sorry.
- Back to work. - Oh.
- One more thing. - Yeah?
You have lipstick on your teeth.
- Thanks. - Women helping women.
Oh, honey.
No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.
I just--I just need to stay positive.
Bullshit, Jenny, it's not okay.
Your work gets more traffic than anyone in this office.
She says this isn't a newsroom that cares about traffic.
- [ scoffs ] - Then why did I just spend
an hour on a quiz that determines
which Jewish celebrity you are?
Okay, that quiz is bullshit, Meredith.
I got Roseanne.
It's based on science, Ellen.
You must have chosen racist answers.
I don't get it. Jason makes twice as much as I do,
and he only writes like one article a week.
Yeah. Jason sucks.
- Sucks. - Did you read his piece
about millennials and Williamsburg?
No, what did it say?
That they like to hang out there.
- It was like 5,000 words. - [ chuckles ]
- Uch. - What is it?
It's another email from that creepy guy.
CryptoBoner?
God, that's like the 50th this week.
He's obsessed with you.
What's it say?
"Dear Jenny."
[ voice distorted ] I know you think
you understand cryptocurrency,
but I feel like you have no idea
what cryptocurrency actually is.
It's digital currency, designed as a means of exchange
for all kinds of goods from all kinds of places,
not just the dark web.
I recently bought a vest from L.L. Bean with it,
and I wear it all of the time.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
All right, I gotta go.
Where are you going?
I gotta clean out my apartment.
Subletter gets here tomorrow.
Wait, don't you live in a 1-bedroom apartment?
- Yes. - Are you moving?
Okay, bye!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Are--are you still coming over tomorrow?
[ door closes ]
Not good.
[ sighs ] No. Not good.
[ phone rings ]
Hello?
Hi, this is Penelope from Sallie Mae calling.
Wrong number.
WOMAN: Hello, and welcome to Meditation with Fran.
I'm Fran. Thank you so much for sharing your time
and your energy with me.
And thank you for allowing me
to guide you through your practice.
Let's begin in a nice comfortable seat.
[ message chime ]
[ distorted voice ] Dear Jenny.
Are you deleting my emails?
That's really not okay with me if you are.
I deserve to be heard and I'm going to be very angry
if you don't respond to me.
[ email deletion whoosh ]
FRAN: As we go through this practice today,
remember: suffering is a choice.
[ message chime ]
Stop deleting emails or else.
[ ding ]
[ knocking on door ]
[ pounding on door ]
[ doorknob turns ]
[ door closes ]
[ exclaims ]
Uh, who are you?
Lisa.
Your new roommate.
Oh. [ chuckles ] Oh.
Both doors were unlocked, and you weren't answering,
so I let myself in.
Um, hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
Lisa. [ chuckles ]
- Hi. - I-I-I'm Jenny.
Your n-new roommate.
- Yeah.
Is that all your stuff?
My Prius is parked out front.
Oh, you might not want to leave it out there.
It's--lot of theft in this neighborhood.
I have a security system installed.
If anyone touches my car, I'll be notified immediately.
[ electronic beeping ]
[ beeping gets louder ]
[ knocking on window ]
That's right, run. Punk-ass bitch.
I got his photo.
Always get their photo.
So, where are you moving from?
I'm moving from a couple blocks up the way.
Rent hikes are brutal, huh?
My landlady was murdered last month.
Her husband sold the building
like ten minutes after it happened.
He made $20 million.
Oh, my God.
Did they find the murderer?
No. Where's my room?
This'll do.
Great.
This is your room?
Hmm?
I thought you said this was a 2-bedroom apartment.
It is now. [ chuckles ]
Seriously, though, I-I-I prefer small spaces.
When I was little, my parents were constantly
finding me curled up in the fetal position,
like, under the bed and in the bathtub,
in the trunk of their car and stuff.
It's very small.
Okay, I get that.
You do?
Yeah, it's like a disease, right?
Right.
[ murmurs ] It's a--it's a disease.
Oh, so, uh, actually, I'm, uh,
I'm meeting up with a few friends in a bit
if you--if you want to join,
maybe get to know each other a little?
I should probably unpack the rest of my stuff.
Okay, yeah. Cool. Another time.
Actually, can I be straight with you?
Of course.
I-I don't really want to be your friend.
No offense.
Oh.
[ chuckles ] Okay.
Yeah, dude, I totally get it.
Home is a safe space.
You want total you time when you're here.
Just...feel you, sister.
I mean, it's specific to you, but yeah.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- I get it. It's totally cool. - Okay. Okay, bye.
Um...
[ door closes ]
[ knocks on door ]
[ screaming ] Jenny! Jenny!
[ indistinct screaming ]
- Oh, my God! - [ indistinct screaming ]
It's Ellen! I begged her not to, Jenny!
I begged but she wouldn't listen to me!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Ellen!
Who did this to you?
Is he still here?
Help! Help!
Help! Help! [ whimpering ]
What is it, Ellen?
[ blows kazoo ]
- Surprise! - Surprise!
[ both laugh ]
[ laughing ] You dumb f * king bitch!
You thought someone I knew tried to murder Ellen?
No one murders Ellen!
I know Krav Maga, asshole!
You are such a stupid slut.
BOTH: Stupid slut!
[ chanting ] Stupid slut! Stupid slut!
This is a sexist cake, you guys.
It's not sexist if it's true.
Where are all your roommates?
Mm. Tom is at Acroyoga,
and nobody's seen Mackenzie in like three months.
Oh, my God, aren't you guys worried?
I mean, kind of, but she pays her rent via direct deposit
and we don't want to mess up a good thing.
She takes the longest showers.
[ knock on window ] Ooh. Door's open!
Shit, Meredith! You invited Rob?
Who's Rob?
He's my third cousin, Jenny.
You know how much I've always wanted a third cousin.
Also, he just moved to town a month ago
and he wants to meet other writers.
[ scoffs ] He's not a writer.
That's not true. He was published
in a cryptocurrency blog just last month.
- Hi, Rob! - Hey, fam jam.
- Hey, Ellen. - Whatever.
Oh, dang. I missed the surprise.
Oh, it's, uh, it's quite all right.
Uh, Rob, I'm--I'm Jenny. Nice to meet you.
Hi, Jenny.
I've heard a lot about you.
Sounds like your work is really important.
Uh, it's really not, but thanks.
[ chuckles ]
Don't undersell yourself.
It's mostly just documenting
which celebrities are gaining weight,
and deleting emails from men
who would rape me if I weren't so ugly.
- Jesus. - What?
You are a talented idiot.
Ignore the emails, okay? They're just assholes
who are pissed they're not better at Halo.
Thank you.
CryptoBoner texted me today.
He texted you?
How did he get your number?
I don't know.
You don't--uh, I'm sorry.
- You don't know? - I don't know, okay?
The phone book?
[ laughter ]
- The phone book? - Okay, no.
No, Jenny, we know what a phone book is.
Jenny, this is serious.
Okay, texting is next level.
Didn't you take the proper precautions
as a woman on the internet?
Of course.
What?
What?!
You have to change your social media profiles to private.
Yeah, and get a VPN so your laptop is harder to trace.
Change your social security numbers every four months.
I paid a guy $5,000 to eliminate all record
of my ever having been born.
Okay? The government has no idea I even exist.
I don't have fingerprints.
Holy shit.
The surgery was really expensive.
I have a lot of family money.
Mm-hmm. Super rich.
You did take precautions, Jenny, right?
[ ding ]
No. [ sighs ]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. [ groans ]
- I'm sure you're fine. - Yes.
- Yeah, you're--you're so good! - You're so good!
- You're so good. - Yeah.
Well, I would be terrified if I were you.
Thanks again for walking with me.
You really didn't have to.
It's no problem. I'm going this way anyway
and again, I would be literally terrified if I were you.
So, what brought you to the neighborhood?
I wanted to be closer to family.
I actually have a lot of third cousins down here.
What a twist of fate.
Yeah, 23andMe changed my life.
Yeah, I'll bet. [ chuckles ]
- Hey, Jenny? - Hmm?
Are you gonna be okay? This guy seems really scary.
[ scoffs ] No, I'll be fine.
Are you sure?
I mean, I think so.
Sort of have to think so.
- Oh, shit. - Excuse me.
Would you like to donate to Planned Parenthood?
Just one monthly donation will give millions of women
access to reproductive health care.
Yeah, you know, I normally would say--
I'll donate.
- Really? - Really?
Sure.
How much do you want to donate?
- $100. - It's monthly.
$25.
Men don't usually donate.
Not all men, I guess, right?
Shouldn't you be in like Times Square or something?
Yeah, I'm, like, really lost.
My shift technically ended like four hours ago
but I don't know what else to do, so...
Thanks.
That was really sweet of you.
I'm actually going left.
Uh, are you sure you don't want me
to walk you the rest of the way?
I'm like three blocks over. I'll be fine.
[ sighs ]
Hey, Jenny?
Yes, Rob.
Do you want to... play pinball some time?
With you?
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
You mean like a-- like a date or something?
Sure. Yeah.
Oh. [ laughs ]
Yeah, yeah, no, no.
Uh, no, thank you.
I, uh--you know, you seem really great.
I just--you know, I'm just not really--
not really dating right now and...
you know, work is really crazy
and I will probably just go on vacation
somewhere really far away-- away somewhere soon
and--and--you know, Meredith is a really good friend of mine
and I don't really know how that would go.
It's cool, I get it.
You do?
Of course.
Thanks for being so cool about it.
- It's not a big deal. - Yeah, I know, but you know...
Men can be so mean about this stuff, so...
Remember, not all men.
I guess so.
- Be safe out there. - Oh. [ laughs ]
I will be.
- Have a good night. - You, too.
[ rustling ]
[ panting ]
[ grunts ]
Yeah. Yeah.
[ clatter ]
[ loud clatter ]
[ clattering continues ]
[ spoon clinking ]
Aah!
[ screams ]
- Nope. Nope. - Wait, wait, wait!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - F * k this.
No, no, no, no, no! Lisa, Lisa, Lisa! Please.
I-I-I'm sorry. I-I thought you were someone else.
I don't care if you thought I was Louis C.K.
Uh. [ scoffs ] No, this is a safe space.
So I would not think that.
I'll get the rest tomorrow.
I didn't finish unpacking today.
I had a feeling something like this would happen.
Lisa, please don't go. I--
I have student loans.
So vote.
- Lisa, I-I'm sorry. - Move.
I think someone is trying to kill me.
So vote!
What the f * k, man?
F * k.
What are you doing?
Yeah.
[ whispers ] It's my constitutional right.
Ladies...
These are wing bones.
Human wing bones.
Chicken wing bones.
- Chicken. - Buffalo chicken.
Wing bones.
Okay, can you trace whoever left the box?
Maybe, but that'll be a waste of your tax money, sweetheart.
He left me a note saying he can't wait
to clean my bones of their flesh.
- Mm-hmm. - I mean,
that can't be legal, right?
Honey, the only victim here is the toilet,
defaced by whoever ate these here wings.
- [ chuckles ] - [ weak laugh ]
- You know what I mean? - 'Cause they're so spicy.
Someone made a poopie, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I, um...
- I do know what you mean. - Okay.
- Sir. - You ever watch those videos,
people trying really hot stuff and they vomit?
I love 'em. I watch 'em over and over.
Those people getting all red in the face,
- tearing up and vomiting. - [ polite chuckle ]
That's really neat. Um...
The man who left this in front of my door
has been sending me threatening emails for weeks.
I mean--I mean, look, I printed them out for you.
It's a--it's a--it's a big...
- Pumpkin pie. - ...stack.
Now, hey, you.
Don't you get hysterical on me.
Don't do it.
I'm taking very careful notes.
Okay.
And we are going to...
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
You hear me?
Are you serious?
You just drew a fancy S.
Thank you.
So are you just gonna wait till he cuts up her body
and buries the pieces all over Bushwick?
You want my honest opinion?
I think this was sent to you
by some harmless dude who just wants
the attention of a pretty girl.
And you know what else I think?
You should give him a chance.
I do. I do.
♪ Love can find you
♪ In the strangest
♪ Places ♪
- [ chuckles ] - [ scoffs ]
VOICE ON RADIO: Simon.
Tell you how I met my wife.
[ radio chirps ] Simon here.
We've got a black teen playing hackysack
on the corner of Bedford and North 6th.
[ radio chirps ] Christ. By the Whole Foods?
Always.
[ radio chirps ] All right, I'm on it.
Gotta go. This is an emergency.
But... [ blows kisses ]
Okay? Kisses to you.
And you know,
f * king chicken wings.
Really? It's just chicken wings.
It's just... Wait, wait, wait, wait...
Don't call us about chicken wings.
You left your-- you forgot the--emails.
[ breathing heavily ]
It helps me relax.
[ sighs ]
Okay.
I'll help you.
Well, Officer Dumbass was wrong.
- About what? - Everything.
But specifically these bones.
Most of them come from a chicken, but not all.
This one is a human pinky finger.
Oh, my God.
How do you know that?
I took Adderall once and accidentally spent
10 hours researching human anatomy.
The point is, Jenny, I agree with you.
I think this guy wants you dead.
CryptoBoner.
It's CryptoBoner. That's what he calls himself.
[ whimpers ]
What am I gonna do?
Kill him first.
[ groans ]
Okay, fine, at least even the playing fields.
Excuse me.
This is my burner laptop.
Totally untraceable.
Totally illegal.
It's safe to assume he's been here, right?
Between the time it took him to leave the bones
and the time it took him to snap a picture of the building
we were on the same network long enough
for us to access his profile.
His profile?
Everything is connected nowadays--
your phone, your computer, your television--
and that means virtually nothing is private anymore.
Your profile is made up of every action you take online
but it's also made up of external information.
Like, where you were when you took those actions?
- Exactly. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Can anyone access it?
A 4-year-old child could access it.
But people with something to hide know better,
and there are lots of ways to hide.
And it looks like our friend CryptoBoner
is using them all.
So how do we find him?
We tap into his discreet network
through the back door to hash his metadata
and phish our way back out to the rainbow table
using the rootkit to decipher the side channel.
Then it's just a matter of installing the Tor
so this freak show can't track us.
[ laptop beeping ]
Well, well, well.
It looks like these emails have been coming at us
from America's capital city.
Washington, D.C.
No. New Jersey.
Right.
LISA: Wake up, bitch.
It's time to catch a predator.
♪♪♪
JENNY: Thank you for helping me.
LISA: Oh, hell, no.
This is not about female friendship.
If that psychopath comes for you,
do you really think he's gonna leave any witnesses?
JENNY: Still don't understand how you tracked this guy.
LISA: You're smarter than you look,
but you're still way too dumb to understand it.
It's nothing personal. Almost nobody gets it.
JENNY: But you do?
LISA: Me, a handful of private citizens,
the Russian Olympic fencing team.
JENNY: Wow. That's impressive.
♪♪♪
So what do we do now?
When your freak show rolls up,
stick this to the bottom of his car.
What is it?
A tracking device.
Now we'll know where he's at at all hours of the day,
including our apartment.
No more surprises.
How do you know he has a car?
I looked online for an image of this house.
We're looking for a navy blue 4-door sedan.
Until then, we wait.
- Okay. - Well...
Okay.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
No, everything's fine.
'Cause if something's bothering you, you can tell me.
Everything's great.
Ask me to stop, Jenny.
Ask me to put the nail polish away.
[ whispers ] No.
You're gonna kill somebody someday, you know that?
Excuse me?
You hate this. You hate this so much,
but you're not gonna say anything.
You're just gonna push it down
just like you push everything else down
until you snap and you drown all your babies in a bathtub.
I am not going to have children.
Okay.
Because of climate change.
All right, we'll see.
So...
Oh, f * k, there he is.
CryptoBoner.
♪♪♪
Should I do it now?
No.
Do it when you feel you're ready.
Okay.
Yes, you idiot, do it now.
Well--you--uh--
- Are you serious? - Okay, okay!
Okay, okay. Jeez.
Like, do you think we have all day?
I want to track it. Here we go.
♪♪♪
[ whispers ] What a f * king weirdo.
[ cell phone rings ]
Hello?
[ whispers ] Oh, shit.
Help!
This is Penelope calling from Sallie Mae.
[ whispers ] Yeah, hi, Penelope.
This is actually not really a good time right now.
Help.
Help, you have-- you have to help me.
Ma'am, are you okay? What's wrong?
It's my dog. She just ran past here.
We don't want your account to go into default,
- so this is Jenny Heitz? - Wrong number.
Okay, um, um, just calm down for a second.
Do you have any idea where she might be headed?
Um, she loves...the ocean?
The ocean? Oh, perfect.
Um, my mom loves the ocean.
I know right where that is.
I--I'll drive.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, actually, uh, she hates the ocean.
She loves waffle fries.
Can you go get them?
I--sorry, it's just, uh,
in a way, Misty's my best friend.
She's all I've got, especially
after we lost my husband to 9/11.
Oh, my God.
Was he in one of the towers?
No, he just became obsessed with it,
and then one day, he disappeared.
Because he knew too much.
He knew too much.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, we're gonna find Misty.
- Wait here. - Okay.
Jenny, run!
Run! Run, Jenny!
- Use your legs! - Okay, okay!
- Use your legs, Jenny! - I'm using them!
I'm using them! I'm using them!
Okay, okay, you need to escape New Jersey.
They're not thinking about the future,
they're living on a prayer!
Who runs like that? Is she part squirrel?
F * k this, I'm out of here.
Hey, do you think Misty would respond to
sweet potato waffle fries?
Uh, you know what? I just remembered
I returned Misty to the shelter yesterday
because she's too ugly.
Oh.
Yeah, uh, anyway, thanks for all your help. Bye.
Wait.
What's your name?
Uh, Martha.
Marcy.
Mae.
Marlene. Uh...
But everyone calls me Caroline.
- Caroline. - Mm-hmm.
I'm Andy.
Nice to meet you.
Um...
Do you have a number or anything?
Nope. It's in the trash can.
Your phone number's in--
What about Instagram?
Uh, no.
- Let's keep in touch. - I hate computers.
I hate everything.
I hate love, I hate the movies.
JENNY: You gave him your phone number?
LISA: Chill.
JENNY: Chill?!
Chill?! Lisa, I'm not going to chill!
Okay? The man who's trying to kill me
wants to be your boyfriend.
Jenny, this is genius. Don't you get it?
Forget the tracker. Now we have a man on the ground.
Wha--who?
Me.
He wants to take me out this week.
No. Absolutely not. No, no, no.
- No, no, no. - Jenny, don't you see?
This is an opportunity. I'll go out with him,
and you break into his house for evidence.
Wait, I'm not breaking in to anybody's house,
and you are not going on a date with my stalker.
Fine. I won't go.
- Good. - He has my number.
You know who else has my number?
The Domino's guy down the street,
and they have like three serial rapists on staff.
It'll be okay.
Well, you have to--
[ huffs ]
Don't worry, I have a plan.
God, I love the country.
Tape.
- [ sneezes ] - [ sighs ]
Tape.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
JENNY: Looks good.
No one's getting past this.
[ zipper unzips ]
[ sighs ]
[ knocks quietly ] [ quiet music plays ]
LISA: Yeah?
What are you doing?
LISA: Knitting a sweater for my grandma's service dog.
Is it me?
What?
Do you think--
I don't know, do you think there's something about me
that makes men treat me this way?
Do you think I'm weak?
Ow!
Jenny, this isn't your fault.
[ sighs ]
None of this is your fault.
Don't ever, ever give them the satisfaction
of knowing they've convinced you otherwise.
What?
Can I sleep in here tonight?
With you?
Yeah.
Just know I listen to trashy romance novels
on audiobook to fall asleep.
Why are you helping me?
I used to work with this woman, Maria.
She was a shitty coder, but only because
she dedicated all her time and energy into gaming.
She was a hardcore gamer.
Like, top 200.
Is that good?
In the world.
Is that good?
- Jenny, that's amazing. - [ chuckles ]
But she hated all these superfluous rape scenes
that these male developers would insert into the games.
So she decided to do something about it.
She petitioned the video game companies.
She started a social media campaign
to bring attention to it.
She even published articles.
And what happened?
They came for her.
They harassed her.
They published her personal information
on public forums.
This one guy was especially bad.
He would send pictures of her running errands,
at work, through the windows of her house.
He would call in bomb threats to local businesses
using her name.
He even cut off a pig's head once
and left it on her front porch.
Did he kill her?
Worse.
She quit.
She stopped coding, stopped gaming.
Got offline and moved out west somewhere.
She lost everything.
And did they ever find him?
Nobody looked.
[ sighs heavily ]
I'm tired.
- Good night. - Good night.
WOMAN ON AUDIOBOOK: His cock was enormous.
"Perhaps too enormous," Rose thought.
Could she take it? She wanted to.
- [ snoring ] - Of that much she was positive.
She had signed a contract
explicitly guaranteeing that fact,
and put down an $800 deposit
in the event that she changed her mind.
Fabio was super hard for consent.
"Too hard? Maybe," thought Rose,
shuddering with equal parts anticipation and fear.
♪♪♪
Good morning.
Good--good mor--
Good morning.
What?
- How could you? - How could I what?
"Ten Reasons We Should Raise the Price of Tampons."
Really, Jenny?
[ scoffs ] What are you talking about?
"Men pay a price in emotional trauma--"
[ distorted voice ] --every time they walk by
a box of tampons and have to imagine
the bloody entrails of a would-be child
pass through their girlfriend and into a toilet.
An abundance of Biblical evidence suggests
that God wanted women to suffer not just in childbirth,
but all activities related to reproduction.
To ignore this would be akin to embracing--
"--Sharia law."
Mm, so this is actually a pet peeve of mine,
because "Sharia" means "law" in Arabic,
so what you're effectively saying is "law law."
Y-you wrote it!
[ laughs ] What?
I can barely afford tampons as it is.
I use a DivaCup, you know that. It's messy in the bathroom.
Jenny, look.
JENNY: Oh, my God.
It's him.
Who?
Oh!
BOTH: F * k!
Oh, my God!
Hey, Jen,
why didn't you run this by me before it went live?
- Cheryl, I-- - You misspelled "uterus."
I had Jason go in and fix it,
But, it is terribly embarrassin. You're a woman.
I had no idea you held opinions like this.
I wish I did. I wouldn't have wasted money hiring Kelly.
So you know, keep it up, I guess.
As for you, roll back. Let me see that--
Just, add some tights.
Just wear tights and flat shoes,
'cause you'll attract the right kind of--of--of--
of--of--of person, you know, taste-wise.
Music, comedy, that kind of thing.
'Cause that's just--that's--
Anyway, you look great. I love your eyebrows.
ELLEN: Thank you.
You see Laura Ingraham last night?
She's making sense, huh?
ELLEN: [ whispers ] Stupid bitch.
Where are you going? It's 10:00.
I don't know. CryptoBoner hacked
into my work computer, you guys.
This is my professional reputation
he's trying to destroy.
- What are you going to do? - I don't know!
I don't know.
But I'm not just gonna sit there and let him ruin
everything that I've worked for.
Hey, Jenny. If Cheryl asks,
you're taking a really long shit.
We love you.
Ah! Oh, my God. Rob.
Hey, Jenny.
What are you doing here?
I was visiting your neighbor.
Why were you visiting my neighbor?
It's my third cousin.
- Luiz or Azriel? - Mm-hmm.
You speak Yiddish?
Yeah. Oy vey.
Okay, it's good to see you, but...
Wait, Jenny. How are you?
Are you doing okay?
You saw the article, didn't you?
Yeah.
I didn't write it. I--
I know.
I know. Jenny, it sounds nothing like you.
I--I read your work all the time.
You would never advocate for raising the price of tampons.
You use a DivaCup.
[ sighs ]
It was him, wasn't it?
Jesus.
I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You don't deserve this, Jenny.
Nobody does.
[ sighs ]
What if, um...
- What? - Never mind.
What?
What if you took some time off?
Kinda disappeared for a while until things blow over?
You mean quit my job?
- Yes. - Stop writing?
I'm worried.
I'd be really sad if anything happened to you.
Wait, so you think I should just...let him win?
Jenny, if you're dead, doesn't matter who wins.
I have to go.
No, wait. Jenny.
Jenny, I'm sorry.
Jenny, you have to see something.
Not in the mood.
He was here, CryptoBoner.
JENNY: What's he doing?
LISA: Crafting?
Just fast forward.
Shit, man.
Jenny, I think he wants to kill you.
Oh, you think so?
- So let's kill him first. - No.
Why not?
If we kill one of them,
it'll send a message to the rest.
No.
Men kill women all the time for no reason.
I'm not a murderer.
Fine.
But I'm not living here anymore without protection.
JENNY: Whose house is this, anyway?
LISA: Missy English, my stepdaughter.
JENNY: You're married?
LISA: I was, for two weeks, three years ago.
JENNY: I am not buying a gun from a child.
She's not a child.
Emotionally.
Rich people never lock their doors.
[ soft classical music plays ]
LISA: [ sighs ]
Missy?
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Lisa Lewis.
Sit.
Hi, Missy. I-I'm Jenny.
I'm a friend of your...
Of your stepmother's.
The last time I saw you was on Flag Day,
down at the cape house.
You left your G-string, by the way.
Keep it.
I wore it.
And then I sold it on a website for perverts.
And then I donated that money
to an elephant charity.
LISA: [ softly ] Disgusting.
Hey, look, uh...
Missy, I--um, I'm sure your intentions
were probably super great, but, um,
that behavior's actually not considered socially acceptable.
Well, it's too late.
Now, do you want to buy a gun or not?
Missy, isn't your nanny upstairs?
- She's taking a pill nap. - Okay.
JENNY: [ whispers ] What's a pill nap?
- LISA: Like a Xanax. - JENNY: Oh, my God.
It's like "Princess and the Pea."
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
LISA: Fine.
JENNY: Wow. Oh, wow. Wow.
- That's a-- - Yeah.
JENNY: Saved the best for last.
That's really impressive. [ chuckles ]
That's quite the collection you have in your couch.
Um, could you tell me about this one?
No.
I stole them from my dad's friend's house.
I don't actually know how any of them work.
- Oh. - It's fine.
He's a racist.
Missy, that's... unprofessional.
I'm not a school shooter. Jeez.
I'm sorry I can't tell you the science behind riflery.
And if you guys are school shooters,
you can take your money and get the hell out of my house.
We don't do that.
Does your mother know you do that?
Are you gonna tell her?
No.
Okay, look...
Missy, we're not trying to kill anyone.
All right? We're just--
We just might need to scare someone in the event that he--
in the event that he tries to kill me.
So really, we're just here to-- we're just looking, you know?
- Nope! - We're seeing what's out there!
- LISA: Okay, nope! - JENNY: Oh!
LISA: F * *k.
- Looks like this one's perfect. - LISA: All right.
Have you ever used one of those before?
Have you?
I mean, yeah, of course.
♪♪♪
♪ I had you wrapped around my finger ♪
[ rock splashes ]
LISA: Damn.
My parents made me play softball throughout high school.
I hated it.
LISA: They made you?
JENNY: I wanted to be in astronomy club.
My physics teacher was really f * king hot.
Like, really f * king hot.
Like, incredibly attractive.
Right. Got it.
Do you ever do what you want to do?
I'm a writer, aren't I?
Jenny, I've looked you up. You wrote 700 words
on Lena Dunham's rescue dog's circumcision last week.
Yeah, that's my beat.
Lena Dunham's rescue dog is your beat?
That's just the industry these days.
I'm lucky to even have a job.
Do you feel lucky?
[ scoffs ]
Where are you going?
JENNY: It's cold.
LISA: I'm sorry.
I want to start a media company.
Tell stories like your friend's.
- Maria. - Yeah, Maria.
You know, people only ever ready about women
after they've disappeared or they've been killed and...
Yeah, I want people to know what comes before that.
I know, it's crazy, I mean...
How would I ever get the money?
And even if I did, who would read it?
- But... - It's not crazy.
I just don't want to f * k up everything I've already built.
You live in a closet.
JENNY: To be honest, it's kind of nice.
LISA: I mean, it's all right.
It's not the Bahamas, you know?
[ phone rings ]
Why are men allowed to sit like that?
I don't know.
[ cell phone rings ]
- Hello? - Hi, this is Penelope
from Sallie Mae calling for Jenny Heitz.
Well, like I said, you have the wrong number, so.
No. [ clears throat ]
You are Jenny Heitz and you owe us over $60,000
worth of student loans.
Give us our money!
Well, Jenny's dead.
CHERYL: Jenny.
In my office, please.
We have ways of finding you, Jenny.
Hi. [ chuckles ]
I confess I'm surprised.
I expected this kind of behavior from Jason, maybe.
But not from you.
Why are men allowed to sit like that? [ chuckles ]
Why are you asking me that question?
You're in no position to judge,
considering your own moral indiscretions.
Excuse me?
I'm so disappointed in you.
After months of working under such a strong female leader,
you still think the only way to get what you want
is sleeping your way to the top.
Cheryl, what are you talking about?
I was devastated.
Oh, my gosh, Jenny sent me something with fun stickers.
I thought, "Finally somebody remembers my birthday.
Finally." But what do I find?
A flagrant desecration of my religion.
[ laughs ]
Cheryl...
I didn't send these.
No, no, no! I-I-I'm serious.
These are from my college boyfriend!
This--this guy's been following me.
He's been-- he's been stalking me
and somehow getting to all my information. I--
- You're a coward, okay? - I am not a--
This is your return address, right there.
Cheryl, anyone can put a return address on any envelope.
This is a digital media site. Welcome to the 21st century.
Your mail fax ain't getting you anywhere, honey.
I can't believe I almost gave you a raise.
You didn't almost give me a raise.
Don't you tell me what my intentions were.
- No, you didn't almost give-- - Don't assume
you know what I know, okay?
You better get out of here before I have IT
search your computer for porn.
Fetish porn.
No.
No?
- No? - No.
I quit! I don't want to work here.
Cheryl, you don't support women. You're a hypocrite.
I have been forging a path
for ungrateful bitches like you since 1982.
Do you know how hard it is to self-publish
- in the Reagan revolution? - No, no, no, we get it.
We get it, you were the first.
And you are just trying to make sure
- that you are the only, okay? - That is not true.
You don't understand anything about me.
Cheryl, what does this title even mean?
What does it mean?
You spend two chapters listing
which Korean spas are your favorite
based on how good at English the staff is.
- You have no idea-- - That's f * king offensive!
You have no idea how much anthropological research
went into proving that not all women speak Korean.
I could've f * king told you that!
But you didn't, 'cause you're cavalier.
Everything's so easy for you. So easy.
- Give me the book. - It's so--no, no, no, no.
You don't get the book! You don't get the book!
By the way, the only thing that this newsroom cares about--
Don't you say it. Don't you say it.
- Don't you say it. - Is f * king traffic.
- She said it! Give me-- - F * king traffic!
Is f * king traffic!
♪♪♪
Not. The only thing we care about is not traffic.
And Betty Friedan was racist!
Oh! Oh, Kelly! 2,000 words on ten ways
millennials willfully misunderstand
Betty Friedan's relationship to race.
She was born in 1921!
♪♪♪
Mom... [ speaking Spanish ]
[ Spanish continues ]
No smoking in the house!
And do your dishes, you f * king sociopath!
And if you ever watch porn without your headphones in
at 3:00 in the morning, I will kill
your entire f * king family.
Now text that piece of shit. You're going on a date.
Mama, I have to go.
♪ I'm the one you're looking for ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a big attention whore ♪
♪ I'm the one that you adore ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a big attention whore ♪
♪ I'm the one you're looking for ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a big attention whore ♪
♪ I'm the one that you adore ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a big attention whore ♪
[ echoing ] ♪ Attention whore, attention whore ♪
♪ Attention whore, attention whore ♪
♪♪♪
All right.
Here.
What is that?
A hard drive.
You need to get his laptop onto that, the whole thing.
The password to the laptop is "DavidFosterWallace."
- One word. - How do you know that?
I tracked his VPN for a zero-day verification--
Okay, you know what? Never mind.
All right.
It should take about two hours.
Bring it back here. We'll mine the drive
for usable evidence and then...
take it to the f * king police, I guess.
You sure you can keep him distracted for that long?
I'm an amazing conversationalist.
Oh, my God, how dare you?
Look, I even made a list of things
I might like to talk about-- fishing, libertarianism,
Legos, hair loss, their rights,
boobs, craft beer, grandfather clocks,
protein, their school, their mom, their friends.
Ask them about cryptocurrency.
Okay.
And the Chicago Seals.
What is that, like a sports team?
I mean, probably, right?
Yeah.
Okay, well, text me when you're done.
I'll tell him I went to the bathroom or something.
Oh, and...
Something wrong?
I'm afraid I'll use it.
Good.
He's asking for it.
♪♪♪
[ grunts ]
Okay...
Rich people never lock their doors.
[ distant ragtime piano music ]
[ piano music continues ]
[ piano music continues, louder ]
LISA: Andy, where are you taking me?
It's a surprise.
[ pop music plays ]
Ta-da.
Oh, my gosh, Andy.
What is this?
It is my favorite roof-top in Jersey City.
My friend used to live here and after he moved out,
I kept coming back on my own.
Um...nobody in the building uses it.
When did you have time to do all this?
I texted you like two hours ago.
Oh, I set it up right after we met.
I'm super into manifesting my desires.
The bread might be stale.
[ piano music continues ]
ANDY: So Caroline, how old are you?
Thirty-one.
Oh. And you were married in 2001?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I was found in a trash can,
so there's no real way of knowing how old I am.
- I could be 40. - Oh.
So, um, how about the Chicago Seals?
Is that a sports team?
Maybe.
I'm not really into sports.
I go paintballing on the weekend sometimes for exercise.
Actually, me too.
That's quite synchronistic, isn't it?
[ piano music continues ]
[ piano music stuck repeating one phrase ]
[ music ends ]
ANDY: Actually, I have to admit something.
I'm on a bit of a self-help kick recently.
I love self-help.
Have you read Martha Beck? She's Oprah's life coach.
I love Martha Beck.
Her Cycles of Change chart
totally transformed my perspective.
In fact, her books inspired me to try out veganism.
You're vegan?
Yeah, for five years now.
But, don't you like buffalo wings?
Eh. Sports bars make me feel vulnerable.
Andy, you live alone, right?
Yeah. I mean, except for my two moms,
but they're always on cruises.
And my third cousin.
- Excuse me? - It's crazy.
I didn't even know I had a third cousin,
and then he found me on some ancestry site
a few months ago.
Turns out we're both direct descendants
of Mr. Rogers.
I'm letting him crash in the basement
- until he finds a place-- - No, no, no, no.
Wait, where are you going?
The hell out of here.
Andy, have you ever made a citizen's arrest before?
F * k yeah, baby!
LISA: Oh, you f * king nerd.
LISA: Andy, can we just go a little faster, please?
ANDY: We're like Thelma and-- what's her name?
- LISA: Louise. - ANDY: Right.
[ unsteady breathing ]
[ panting ]
[ door closes ]
Rob?
I don't recall inviting you over, Jenny.
Uh, Rob, Rob, please.
Why don't you listen?
I've given you so many chances.
Please don't hurt me.
You think you're better than me?
You're just another dumb,
idiot woman who thinks she's too good
to pee standing up.
And I hate you.
- I hate you! - Hey, hey.
Hey, Rob.
Listen, listen.
I'm sorry, okay?
But I've been really stressed out at work,
and I--and I--
And I haven't even called my parents in like three months.
[ whimpers ]
People like you, you want the whole world to cry for you.
Not me. I see right through your game.
JENNY: [ whimpers ]
And tonight, we're gonna play my game.
- Boop. - [ shudders ]
Technology.
Everyone is so starved for true human intimacy
that they'll believe anything you tell them.
I thought we were friends.
Right? We're friends.
Jenny, I gave you so many chances
to prove you're not a selfish whore.
I'm too soft.
At least that's what 5InchesAndCounting says.
Who?
5InchesAndCounting?
From the incel forum.
Where'd you get the pinky finger, Rob?
You can buy anything on the dark web, Jenny.
Actually, could I have that back?
The pinky finger?
Never mind, I'll just stop by your house
and grab it after I kill you.
Won't you have two pinky fingers?
That one is special!
[ exhales, sobs quietly ]
[ crying ]
Guess what, Jenny?
#notallmen.
And don't worry. I like to do things the old fashioned way.
Hey, you have value, okay?
You--you don't have to do this.
Do you like it?
It's from sixth century.
Used to belong to Japanese royalty.
I speak Japanese. Did you even know that?
[ speaks Japanese ]
Do you know what that means?
It means "Therapy is for f * gots."
Jenny, you stupid bitch!
Jenny?
That was a really stupid thing you did back there.
I was gonna kill you quickly.
I guess now... I'll take my time.
Don't come any closer or I'll shoot.
You wouldn't.
You don't know me.
You wouldn't kill someone. You're not that kind of girl.
I said you don't f * king know me.
What kind of girl am I, Rob?
I'm a bitch.
[ laughs ]
I'm a f * king angry bitch.
Please put the gun down.
I was just joking. I'll leave town.
You don't have to hear from me again.
I won't contact you.
There have to be consequences.
And I am not going to live in fear anymore.
[ gun clicks ]
You stupid, stupid slut.
You forgot to load the gun.
[ chuckles ]
Oh, that's stupid.
Hey, asshole.
Yeah, that's right, you.
The little bitch.
The little pussy, crafting-ass bitch.
- Who you talking to? - I'm an artist.
Tilda Swinton's an artist.
You're a crafting-ass bitch.
Crafting. Ass. Bitch.
- Shut up. - Crafting. Ass. Bitch.
Shut up!
JENNY: [ gasping ]
ROB: [ exclaims ]
Get down, you crafting-ass bitch.
[ Rob groans ]
- ROB: Help. - LISA: Shh.
I was saving these for tonight,
but this felt like the right time to use them.
LISA: Yeah, Andy.
- ROB: Let me go. - ANDY: Hell, no.
This is a citizen's arrest, baby!
PEOPLE: [ chanting ] Free our streets!
- Whose streets? - Our streets!
ROB: Who are these people? ANDY: Antifa.
LISA: I can't believe you didn't load the gun.
[ chanting continues ]
I thought you did.
Hey, Jenny!
Ellen? Meredith?
What are you guys doing here?
As journalists, we have to find creative ways
to participate in politics.
Nobody's objective, not in the face of fascism!
So true!
Jenny, I'm really sorry about Rob.
Technology has me so starved for human intimacy
that I was willing to believe anything anyone told me.
JENNY: It's okay!
There is absolutely no way any could have ever known.
- That's true. - We love you.
Love you!
Whose streets?
It's our streets. Definitely our streets.
So where are they taking him?
Gowanus. [ chuckles ]
[ sighs ]
[ sweeping music plays ]
Andy, what the hell? No.
Andy, no.
And my name is Lisa.
And I'm gay.
I'm sorry, I only went on a date with you
'cause I thought you were trying to kill Jenny.
You deserve better.
Well, that's okay. I understand.
My mom is gay.
And my other mom doesn't subscribe to labels.
But she's gay, too.
Hey, Andy. Sorry for the mix-up.
Thanks for--thanks for taking Lisa back, okay?
[ sweeping music plays ]
Okay, but no. [ chuckles ]
Um, yeah. Sorry about that.
Andy, uh, listen.
I have an extra ticket to Tilda Swinton's
latest art installation.
It's her taking a shower in the middle of the MOMA
while Lorde plays the recorder.
Would you want to go with me, as friends?
- I'd love to. - As friends.
As friends. Hey.
You know what? I have something for you, too.
I want you two to have this.
- JENNY: What is it? - Uh, Rob used to brag
about how much money he made selling bracelets online.
A few weeks ago, he ate too many buffalo wings
and he told me where this was hidden.
Bracelets?
Yeah, it looked like he was selling candy bracelets,
but the candy was made out of MDMA.
That's actually kind of brilliant.
Look, Andy, we-- we can't take that.
Well, if you don't take it it's going to the government.
Well, let them have it.
I'm not taking money from my stalker.
It's roughly $500,000.
The government will just use it to bomb Libya.
- Thank you. Thank you for this. - Thanks.
I can't wait to see Tilda Swin--
what's her name again?
- Tilda Swinton. - I can't wait to see
Tilda Swinton shower together.
JENNY: [ laughs ] You kinda look like her.
Holy shit.
It's yours.
[ scoffs ]
- No, I-- - Yes.
Start your media company.
You deserve this.
- Lisa, we should at least-- - Jenny.
Shut the f * k up.
Your job is a joke but you're not.
The world needs you.
Thanks.
Do you mind if I make a phone call real quick?
Yeah, sure.
[ line ringing ]
PENELOPE: Hi, thank you for calling Sallie Mae.
Hi, Penelope.
Hi.
This is Jenny Heitz.
I see.
I just want you to know that someone gave me $500,000.
And I'm not gonna give you any of it.
Oh, we'll get that money.
Yeah, well, you'll be looking for the rest of your life.
- It's ours. - I'm rich now.
And rich people can get out of anything.
We will never, ever stop looking for you.
- Bye. - There's nowhere you can run,
nowhere you can hi-- [ phone clatters ]
♪♪♪
[ groans ] We did it!
Just promise me one thing.
What?
That when you start your business,
your first investigation
will be into who killed my landlady.
Deal.
♪♪♪
- Lisa. - Yeah?
Your landlady was definitely murdered by her husband.
♪♪♪