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[woman] Good, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
♪♪
I wish I had lost a little weight for this.
But maybe it's good.
[men laughing]
[man] You know what, I set button at the wrong time.
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen...
[cheering and applause]
...Tim Heidecker!
[cheering and applause]
♪♪
Hey!
- [loud cheering] - Hey!
What's going on? Whoo, shit!
♪♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just don't fuckin' touch it.
Oh, shit.
Watch it.
Uh...
Fuckin' A! Fuckin' A!
What the fuck's the matter with this?
♪♪
One, two.
This should be up.
What are you gonna do? I can't fuckin' do it.
I don't know what I'm doing.
♪♪
This has to be fuckin' down.
♪♪
This is what I'm fuckin' talking about.
This doesn't fuckin' go in.
One, two. Thank you.
♪♪
Okay, thank you.
Let's start it again from the...
[crowd cheering]
All right, thank you. Can you cut the music?
We'll just start from the top.
Uh...
Thank you, Brook. Can you cut the--
Hey, John, can you cut the music, please?
- Cut the music. - [music continues]
[indistinct]
We're changing this. We'll take it from one.
Just cut the... Can you cut the fuckin' music, John?
Turn the... John.
Turn the fuckin' music off, John!
- Turn it the fuck off! - [music continues]
The fuck is the matter with you?
Fuck you!
The fuck!
Why don't they fuckin' get it?
Get the fuckin' music off!
Turn the fuckin' music! Turn the fuckin' music off!
The fuck is the matter with you?
- Turn it the fuck off! - [music continues]
- Turn it the fuck... - [music stops]
Thank you. Okay, all right.
[scattered cheering, applause]
This whole setup, this whole fuckin' place
has been a nightmare.
I've been here since 6:00 in the fuckin' morning
teching this goddamn show.
And everybody here, I'm talking the camera guys,
the fuckin'... the people that work here
have been treating me like shit from the minute I got here.
And they get this junk.
This fuckin' shit from Guitar Center,
these mic stands, and it's been a setup.
I mean, it's been a fuckin' setup.
Are you happy? Are we happy to be here tonight?
[crowd cheering]
Let's hear it. Friday night. TGIF!
[cheering and applause]
A water. I need a water.
Let's go, come on!
Wow.
[whistles]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Tim Heidecker. I'm a comedian.
When I tell people that, they say, "What do you mean?
Like Tim Allen?" I say, "A-whoo!"
Uh, little bit about myself.
I was just recently named one of the top five
funniest people in America by a comedy magazine.
- [scattered whooping] - Thank you.
Uh, what else? Um...
I'm a guy's guy.
I think we should get that out of the way.
I know, I'm a guy's guy. Hello.
I'm a guy's guy. I love T and A, right?
Wait, no, no, no.
The PC police are like... [mimics siren]
We got a criminal here, but everybody can relax.
Everybody can take it down because when I say T and A,
I'm talking about tokin' and ale, so...
What else? I love food.
Is everybody here... I mean, I love food.
I guess I'm a foodie. I don't know.
[laughing] I'm a foodie.
Sue me, I'm a foodie.
I, uh...
I said to my friend, and he said,
"You gotta use this in the show,"
I said, um, I said...
"If I ever get to go to another planet," right?
I said, "If I ever get to go to another planet,
I will not be saying, 'Take me to your leader.'"
Right, you see that in the movies.
"Take me to your leader."
I'll be saying, "Take me to your sushi."
That's what a foodie I am.
Um...
So, listen, folks, like I said,
I'm one of the top five comedians in the country.
And...
I, uh, I've been doing this for a long time.
Been doing this for about ten years.
How many people have been with me for ten years?
[cheering and applause]
And I've had a great career.
I've gone out there.
I've played everywhere you can imagine.
And I've been telling my jokes.
I've been entertaining people, making people laugh.
And I love doing it. It's an honor
to be able to do it for you guys tonight.
So...
But here's what's happened.
Recently I've been sort of going through the motions.
You know, I've been sort of just kind of coming out here,
the brain turns off, the material turns on,
and I just kinda go through this time-tested, great material
that's been so successful for me.
And really, it's been a great experience.
But as an artist, as somebody that's always trying
to push the envelope and push things forward
creatively and for my audience,
I feel like it's time for me to put myself to the test,
to challenge myself.
And that's the reason I developed this new technique
that I'm so excited to debut tonight,
and I've never tried it before.
So this is like kinda nerve-wracking.
I am going to try something I've called...
I'm calling in my head comedy without a net.
And what that means is...
I'm... I got these jokes, I got these great jokes, okay?
Like great material. Time-tested.
And I'm putting it in my pocket.
Not gonna take a look.
I'm going to access this.
I'm going to access the creative,
the improvisational, the ad-libbery of it all.
The sort of t-t-tapping into sort of
what my friends say are sort of like, you know,
you think something's off with this guy.
[laughing]
Right? Like...
And I don't know what's gonna happen.
I really don't.
It's a blank slate in front of me.
And you know, everyone's kind of worried.
I see the faces are like, uh-oh.
But you know what? I got these just in case.
I'm not saying we're gonna use them, but...
Should we do it or not? Or should I just...?
I could do this. I could... I could do this.
Or should we do comedy without a net?
- I mean, it's up to you. - [scattered cheering]
What do you want to do? Let's do it.
Let's do... Let's throw the shit to the wind.
Let's riff, right? Should we riff?
Here we go.
All right! Riffin' up.
Where to begin? I don't even know.
That's what's funny about it.
Um...
Well, the... I was gonna say the fires, um...
Uh, that's not right.
Downtown L.A., am I right?
[scattered cheering]
It's funny, it's like...
It's a whole other pla... It's just different.
It's different.
This part of L.A.'s different. Whatever.
Uh...
What, uh...
What's your name? With the hat, what's...?
- Julie. - Julie.
Okay, Julie...
Julie in the sky with, no, uh...
Julie...
Julia Roberts.
How about you? What's your name, good looking?
- Colin. - Colin.
Colin all car... Colin all cars.
[giggling]
Colin all cars. Colin all cars.
[mimics siren]
[growling]
He's like, don't stop, get it...
Give me a break.
[chuckles]
Oh, what else? How about you?
- Nick. - Nick!
Just in the nick of time.
You see, he showed up just in the nick of time.
Colin all cars. Just in the nick of time.
Julia Roberts here today. What else?
Yes, sir. Big guy.
- Dave. - Dave!
Dave, uh...
David and Goliath.
A lot of Daves.
You okay?
You got a hole in your...
You got a rip in your jean.
You're wearing sandals.
I'm just... I'm seeing what I...
What's your name? What's your name?
- Huh? What? - Cookie.
Cookie? [giggling]
Well, I could go... I could go an hour there.
But, um... [muttering]
Cookie.
Cookie cu... Cookie Monster.
Uh...
[clears throat]
[whistles through teeth]
I...
Well, hold on. I have an idea.
We can do this.
How many people here are love...
hypnos... hypnotic... hypnosis?
We love being hypnotized. We love being hypnotized.
It's kind of a cool thing I can do.
Sort of a little party trick I can do.
It's kinda neat. I'm a hypno...
hypnos... hypnot...
"hypnosist."
And, uh, here's what I want everybody to do.
Everybody, I know it's Friday night.
We all want to party, but what I want everybody to do here
is just relax, okay?
Everybody relax. Everybody...
You feel yourself in your seat, you know what I mean?
Just like feel that backbone.
Feel that... that your rear kinda sit right into the chair.
And close your eyes.
I'm letting you guys close your eyes.
Go ahead, get into that space.
Let them shoulders sag.
Um...
And just everybody chill.
Everybody chill.
And in the... count of...
Everybody chill.
And in the count of three,
you're going to snap out of it on my thumbs.
My snap, whatever, thumbs.
In the count of three,
one, two, three. Wake up!
And you're all gonna be chickens tonight or tomorrow.
Anyways, uh...
All right! So, listen, in my business,
you do a lot of flying, right?
Um...
Always flying from here to there.
And I always end up sort of in the last position when flying.
You know, you get to the airport and they say...
You show them your I.D., they say,
"That's too bad, sir. You're in zone 5."
I said, "Well, at least I'm not in the Twilight Zone."
I tell a joke, you...
- [audience] Laugh! - Thank you very much.
Finally I got a chance to go in one of those 007 banks.
You've seen these? These 007 banks?
It's pretty in there. I went in there.
I said, "I would like a bond, a savings bond."
Pretty good.
Finally got a chance to hear the music of Keith Urban.
I thought to myself, gee, this guy might want
to change his name to Keith Rural,
if you know what I mean.
But boy, there's a lot of women in music these days,
don't you think?
A lot of women in music.
I love it. I think it's great.
Listen, believe me. I think it's terrific.
Uh, I... I heard this story 'cause I'm in the industry.
I get some of these inside stories, kinda cool.
I heard this, I couldn't believe it was true.
This young musician, she was, I guess,
just starting out, and she was in the studio
and she was singing her song.
And she couldn't get a sense of the tempo, you know?
She couldn't get a sense of whether it should be too fast
or too slow, she didn't know what was going on.
So she was young. She said to the producer
or the engineer, whoever it was behind the board, you know,
and she said, "Can you help me here
"with the pace of this?
Is it too fast? Is it too slow?"
And the engineer, he doesn't know, right?
He's just pushing buttons, right?
He goes to the producer who's sitting next to him,
or manager, we don't know.
And...
...he says, "What should I tell her here?"
You know, "What should we say?" And he goes...
[Southern accent] Taylor Swift.
Taylor... Taylor Swift.
Tell her to play the song swiftly.
Yeah.
And then, of course, Lady Gaga's out there
doing her "thang."
How many Lady Gaga fans we have here tonight?
I count myself.
I think what she's doing is important and cool.
And, um...
I love... No, I love Lady Gaga.
But what's next, Lord Googoo?
Hey, and whatever happened to U2?
Whatever happened to U2?
Where did they go?
They used to come out with an album every year.
Suddenly they disappeared.
Does anybody know where they came up with the name U2?
Does anybody know the history there,
where the name U2 came from?
Does anybody know where the name U2 came...?
Does anybody, anybody over here know...?
What's that?
Do you know where the name U2,
where the name of the band U2 came from?
Do you know where the name of the band U2 came from?
The name of the band of the... [stammering]
The name of the band U2, this is true,
came from the "untalented two."
And it was...
[sighs] ...in reference to the drummer,
what's his name, Larry Clayton.
Bullshit, some bullshit.
And the bass player.
And those guys are not... Edge does all the drums
and the bass, and Bono does the drums and...
So...
The untalented two.
Boy, what about these records?
Speaking of music,
these records that come out, you know.
These records come out that... that...
When they come out, they're not received well
or they kinda go under the radar.
They kind of are lost. They're forgotten.
And then, turns out, 20, 30, 40 years later,
they're massive classic music.
You know, they're genre-defining.
They're important music.
But when they come out, they kinda don't get recognized
the way they should, you know? Like the...
What's like the first Velvet Underground?
Everyone knows that story, right?
You've come out with a... No one buys it.
But yet here we are. It's the number-one record
of all time or, you know, it's huge.
Like for the big one, the big example is "Pet Sounds."
A lot of people don't know this, "Pet Sounds,"
by the Beach Boys, is, we can all agree,
is just a classic record, correct?
It's classic album.
At the time, was not well-received.
It came out, it was not a big hit.
It was, you know, kinda considered a little weird
by their audience.
And I... I mean, I love "Pet Sounds."
Can I get an applause for that? I mean, this is...
- [cheering and applause] - I love "Pet Sounds"!
It's a classic!
I love "Pet Sounds," I really do.
But what I hate...
are pet peeves. I just...
Don't they drive you nuts?
Just the hangnails or other examples...
of pet peeves.
We gotta do something about the English language,
by the way, don't you think?
I mean, it's like...
It is always getting us in trouble.
Uh...
I have one example of that.
I know this is the col...
this is like the flu season, right?
What do you call it when you got a sore throat
and your stuffy nose, what is that?
- [man] Sick. - No, it's a cold.
I called my friend. I go, "Hey, Larry,
you wanna meet for dinner?" He goes, "Nah, I got a cold.
I can't come out. I can't go out."
I go, "Okay."
Uh...
But here's the thing.
When we're feeling good, when we're feeling healthy,
we don't say we've got a hot.
Look it up.
We don't do it.
Say, how many people here have a New Year's resolution
from this coming... I don't know, when...
This... [stammering]
Think it's almost New Year's. I could do it this way.
How many people are going to have
a New Year's resolution this year?
- Anybody? - [scattered cheering]
I got one, by the way.
What is yours, by the way? What's yours?
Doesn't matter. Say anything.
What is your New Year's resolution gonna be?
[woman] To get a new job.
Get a new job. Okay.
What's... [chuckling]
What is your... What's your job now?
- [woman] Fifth-grade teacher. - Fifth-grade teacher.
Well, you should be a sixth-grade teacher.
I don't know.
There you go.
You know, I got a...
I got a New Year's resolution,
and it's kind of a little controversial.
You ready for it?
[audience] Yeah!
Come here.
No more bullshit.
- [scattered cheering] - No more bullshit.
[cheering and applause]
No more...
[audience] Bullshit!
- No more... - Bullshit!
- I said no more... - Bullshit!
No more bullshit!
I went into a restaurant
to get a cheeseburger the other day.
I said, "Can I get a cheeseburger?"
This guy behind the counter, he goes, "Oh, well,
we only have veggie burgers, man."
With Brussels sprouts and this and that
and, uh, turkey... not turkey, fuck!
Let's try it again, right? I got it.
Try it again.
No more bullshit.
"Well, we got, uh, veggie burger with Brussels sprout."
Not Brussels sprouts. Fuck!
Uh...
Seitan tofu.
"A tofu burger with a bit of cheese
and a tofu this and that."
My wife comes home with these no-salt chips.
Fuck you! No more bullshit.
And everybody with their head meds.
"Oh, I'm so sad. I can't get up in the morning."
[sobbing]
"I'm happy now."
Anybody on head meds here?
[dopey voice] Hm, I'm so sorry... for you.
Everything is so hard.
[normal voice] I'm tired of your bullshit.
I'll have no more of it.
My wife is on these head meds.
"I can't get out of bed."
[mockingly sobbing]
I love my wife, though. I really do.
It's a... I call her the nag, though.
Just... she doesn't like that.
I know the girls here are sorta like,
"Oh, he's married."
I'll tell you, usually I'm wearing this here.
When I'm on the road, this comes off.
Oh, yeah.
Guys are like, "Yep."
[sighing] Yes, my wife...
It was recently her birthday and, uh, decided she's...
I said, "What do you want for your birthday, hon?"
She goes, "I want to go to the opera."
Okay.
I, uh... got her some tickets.
Two tickets to the opera.
And, uh, it was funny.
It's a good story, it's a good story.
Um...
A little sneak peek of maybe a one-man show.
This could be a movie. I don't know.
But, um... I get there to this, uh, opera house
and I'm sitting there,
I got my suit on, I'm looking good.
And, uh... this shows starts.
Opera starts, you know?
And I'm looking around, this guy's up on stage,
some jerk's up there going...
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ This and that ♪ [singing gibberish]
Right?
Looking around. An hour goes by.
I couldn't take it.
I stood up, I go, "Shut the fuck up!"
Well, it's the early crowd.
That's usually a standing "O."
Um... I'll let you work up to it.
There's more to the story.
So the security comes in. "You can't do that!"
Fuck off.
I sit down, my wife is crying.
An hour goes by, another hour goes by, folks, okay?
This is a four or five-hour opera.
This guy's still up there, this jackoff...
♪ Ma, ma, ma, me, me, me, me, me, me, ma, ma, ma ♪
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪
I can't hold it back. I get up and,
"Shut the fuck up!"
Yeah! Thank you.
That's what you've gotta do.
No more bullshit. No more bullshit.
- [audience] No more bullshit! - No more bullshit.
[audience] No more bullshit!
Thank you.
Ah, boy.
Well, you know, we've got kids now
and, um, I do love the kids. I love them.
I was a little disappointed because I was hoping there'd be
more material, uh, material in there.
Uh... but they're doing fine
and there's nothing for me to work with so much but, um...
I do kind of miss the old days,
you know, before the kids, when it was just me and my wife
and we were just a couple of nine-to-fivers, you know?
How many not... Before the comedy career...
how many people here are nine-to-fivers,
just pushing it through every day?
Eight hours a day.
Eight... Nine to five, 40 hours a week,
just pushing the grind.
You guys are making the country work, by the way.
You guys are turning that wheel.
And we salute you.
Yeah, I was doing the nine-to-five thing for a while
and, uh, actually a little...
I was sort of doing the nine-to-five thing.
I was also doing a little day trading.
You know about day... you know, day trading.
Uh, kind of did that for a little while.
I used this E-Trade.
Um... You know, it's kind of cool.
E-Trade, uh, sort of lets you...
invest at your own pace, I guess.
It's kind of cool.
I got sort of into it for awhile.
They let you kind of... kind of customize your,
um, the way you want to invest,
you know, so you can be... get a little risky, you know,
uh, or sort of play it safe.
It's a whole range.
You could... you could get analytics
and mess around with that.
I'd mess around with that for a little bit,
but it was... it was just a good service, you know?
It's easy too.
You just go to ETrade.com, log in
or set up an account, link it to your fucking bank account.
It's, like, too easy. And it's funny.
It's, like, 'cause there still fucking people on Ameritrade.
Just, like..
Which doesn't have the tools that E-Trade has.
It's, like, okay.
But, um...
I was doing the nine-to-five thing
and my wife was doing the nine-to-five thing
and it was sort of just those salad days,
you know, where you didn't have a lot of responsibilities.
And we had this routine where we would sort of...
I would, uh... she would cook dinner
and I would come home and on the way home,
I would stop and get a bottle of wine.
I would get, uh, just nothing fancy, you know?
Just, like, whatever they had at 7-Eleven
and just sort of, um...
Just good, just straight, you know,
just perfectly fine wine.
Just not... nothing to write home about.
And, you know, we'd sit there at the dinner table,
the kitchen table and, uh,
you know, we'd talk about our day
and we'd sort of laugh about it
and we'd eat and we'd drink and we had...
you know, we'd... by the end of the meal,
a couple hours go by and we've drunk the whole bottle of wine.
We just, like... you know?
And we do that, you know, throughout the week.
And, um...
And of course on the weekend, things changed a little bit.
Uh, I don't know if you guys are like me,
but I have a garage and in that garage is a big fridge.
And in that fridge is some ice-cold... Coronas!
Yeah! Right?
Ooh, ice-cold Coronas, getting me thirsty
just thinking about it.
And I'll tell you, Saturday mornings, I'd get up
and, uh, about 9:00 or 10:00 in the morning,
I'd crack open my first Corona of the day.
And I'd go out on the back porch and I just said...
you know, nothing on the schedule,
nothing to worry about.
I'd check E-Trade, um...
see where my money's at
and, uh, just waste the day away.
Just sort of drink and talk and hang out and just buy...
You know, you know how it happens
when you're kinda going through your Coronas
and you get sort of like... Suddenly the sun's setting.
You're like, "What?!" you know?
And I'll kind of stumble into the house
and crash down on the couch and, you know, pass out.
And, jeez, you know, middle of the night I wake up
and I gotta fucking piss, right, guys?
And I go in... I go into the guest bathroom
and whip it out and, you know...
[imitating urinating]
[coughing]
[imitating urinating]
Stumble back, pass out, wake up at 6:00 a.m.
There's televangelists on the TV.
I don't know where I am.
I spend the rest of Sunday like this, "Uh..."
And that's... that was sort of the routine.
But I do wanna... I give my wife a hard time.
You know, I give her a hard time.
I love her very much and I'm proud of her.
And I want to give her a little shout-out tonight.
She's been working really hard on something.
She started her own business,
and we're very proud of her for that.
We love, uh, entrepreneurs here, and she started this business.
It's so cool because she's... she's very smart.
She's very design savvy.
You know, she... she understands the feng shui
of the area and everything.
And I think there's a lot of... There's some people here with,
you know, horse blinders on when it comes to candles,
and she started this company called
Mix My Candles.
And there's a website for it, MixMyCandles.com.
And, uh... it's so cool.
What she does is she kind of... kind of analyzes
your candle situation. And guys are great for this
'cause guys don't know anything about candles.
Am I right, ladies?
And, uh, she'll come in and she'll evaluate the situation
and she will mix your candles around.
And it's amazing how it's... It sounds so simple,
but it changes everything.
Um...
But I love sort of demoing it with the guys in the audience.
Is there a guy... You come up here.
What's your name? Dave.
The big Dave and Goliath, everybody!
Come up here. I'll tell ya.
Come up. Come up here.
Let's hear it for Dave, Big Dave.
[cheering and applause]
Big Dave with the tight shirt.
Here comes the Big Dave up on stage.
He can climb up.
He doesn't have to be a big entrance.
Come here, come here, guy.
You got your karate slippers on.
Stand right here.
Got the Nazi haircut.
What's your, uh, what's your full name?
- David Viabundo. - Okay.
David "Viablumbo" needs to brush his teeth, folks.
He's, uh...
So tell me... Listen, Dave.
Tell me a little bit about your home, your apartment.
I assume you live in an apartment.
You're not living in a home. This guy, I mean, come on.
Let's be real.
Where are you living, what's your situation?
One-bedroom apartment.
Okay.
Um, and tell me your candle situation.
Where are... where are your candles?
I have three candles.
Pretty good for a one bedroom.
- For a one bedroom. - Pretty nice, okay.
Bathroom, kitchen, living room.
Okay, we can work with this.
This is... this is cool.
Um, by the way, is this...
You said this was your girlfriend.
- Yeah, right there. - What's your name?
- Daniella. - Daniella, okay.
And you guys... you guys live together?
- Yeah. - Mmm!
How long has this been going on?
We've been together for five years.
Five years.
That's terrific!
Let's hear it for this five-year relate...
living together, one-bedroom apartment.
You guys don't have a lot of personal space,
I assume, at the apartment.
- No. - Okay.
Five years... girlfriend.
No, uh... no next steps here.
There will be.
- Oh, there will be. - There will be.
Well, what, do you love her?
I love her.
Do you love him?
Well, hold on, I mean...
What are you doing?
I mean, what's... What are you waiting for?
It's all about timing, Tim.
It's... Well, what better timing than this?
These people are your... This is a supportive place.
If you feel strongly...
What is the... what is the problem?
What is this delay?
Why don't you just be a man here
and make a decision?
Is this who you want to spend your life with or not?
- Yes! - Well, let's do it.
Get up here!
Let's fucking do it.
Come on.
Get... And don't get her the back way.
Get her up on stage.
I don't care how you do it,
'cause he's gonna change his mind.
Are you... Do you have a ring?
I mean, I got to... I got a ring for you here.
I'm going... I'm pumped...
Truth be told, I'm going through a divorce...
...so you can have it.
Um, go ahead.
I'll tell ya, I need to take two minutes.
So you take over, I'll supervise.
Yeah, I'm definitely not gonna propose on the stage right now.
- Just... like this. - Okay.
And kneel.
- Daniella... - Yes.
- ...I love you very much. - I love you too.
This is really weird.
Will you marry me?
- Yay. - Hold on.
What did she say?
- Yes. - There you go!
[cheering and applause]
Come on, stand up for 'em!
Stand up for the love!
[cheering and applause]
Now get outta here.
And congratulations to these guys.
Wow.
What a story to tell.
Kind of making me, I don't know, a little...
depressed or something. I don't know.
They got that chance to do it right.
I'm sorry, guys, I...
It's late.
I've... This has been a long, you know, been a long day.
It's been a long day.
I... I don't want to get into this, but, um...
I just... I just had the worst...
I just had the worst day.
I was...
You know, we're taping this special and we, um...
...we have this long... it's, like, a long day.
I have to... it's a lot of prep
and there's a lot of prep, like weeks ahead of time,
a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety,
and I'm... I'm sort of thinking about this and I'm...
This morning I'm getting up and I'm getting ready
and I try to give myself a little bit of time to get here
and I... I was rushing a little bit
and I get in my car and, um,
I back out of my driveway and, within, like, two seconds,
I realized I just hit my neighbor's dog.
I ran...
I just hit it.
And I... I know my neighbor, it's...
I know the dog.
It's a dog named Chef.
I think it's like this, um, pit...
beautiful pit-lab or a pit mix, mutt.
And I get... I get out of my car
and, you know, I'm... I'm... I love dogs.
I'm panicking. I have dogs and I'm panicking,
and I see this dog and he's alive...
but he's, like, um, like, bleeding
and his skin's ripped off his side.
He's just, like...
bleeding out of his nose and ears and his...
[panting]
And he's in shock.
And I get him in my arms and I push...
I get him in my car and I race to the vet
and I get him to the vet, like, two miles away,
and I get in there and I'm holding this dog
and there's blood all over me,
and I say, "Can you please help me?
I just hit this dog with a car."
And the lady there, she's like, "Sorry, sir, we can't help you."
I said, "What are you talking about?
"This dog is dying in my arms.
Would you please do something?"
She said, "No."
I said, "I don't understand!
"Why don't you do something?
"Why don't you help me?
This dog is going to die right here!"
She says, "Because of Obamacare."
"Because of Obamacare"?!
Well, that's all gonna change, right, folks?
That's right, we're getting rid of it.
We're in better shape than we've ever been.
Things are looking up, we are on the path forward.
We are fixing the mistakes of the past,
and we're so happy with the direction things are going.
We're very happy
and things have never been better and brighter.
I love Donald Trump, I do.
I think he's doing a great job.
I think he's... he's gonna continue to be a prosperous,
uh, uh, president.
Uh, but I always thought that... This is my personal opinion.
I always thought that Mike Huckabee
would have been a great president, too.
Don't you?
We love Mike.
Love Mike Huckabee.
And, you know, he was a great governor
and an interesting TV personality and...
But even more so, I think it's interesting if you look...
He... It's almost born in him, you know?
And I... I kind of like to imagine,
uh, back in Arkansas, Little Rock, Arkansas.
And, uh, we're back at the, uh, the Huckabee house
and, uh, you know,
Mama Huckabee's in the kitchen there.
She's stirring her, uh, biscuits.
And she's about as a big as a house, you know?
And in walks little Mike, fat little Mike...
...and he goes, "Mama...
"...I could be president one day.
I could be president one day."
But these libs with their... their obsession with it...
It's like... It's like, um...
I feel like I'm in a "Brady Bunch" sketch
with Marcia... or Russia, Russia.
What?
Instead of Russia, instead of... Oh, it's...
Instead of... instead of... Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
Instead of Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, it's a, uh, uh...
Yeah, Russia, Russia, Russia.
How about some impressions?
Would anybody want to see some impressions?
I love doing impressions.
I love it.
What do we got here?
And I'll just use this and let me...
Shouldn't have any problems here.
And tell me... You guys are gonna love this.
Hold on.
The, uh... I'm sorry. Did... Did an...
I mean, this is California. I hope the answer's yes.
Does anyone have a pair of sunglasses
that I could borrow real quick? You have a pair?
Like a Ray-Bans or something like that?
You do? Oh, those are...
Those are not official Ray-Bans.
Um...
Here.
[cheering and applause]
Looks pretty good here.
"I'm Jack Nicholson.
"You better watch your ass...
you better watch your ass, Bat, uh, Batman."
And, um... how about this one?
Um, "Do I feel...
Do I make you look... Do you feel..."
Uh, not with these.
Um, the, um...
"Do I feel lucky, punk?" Yeah.
"Do you feel... Do you make me...
"Do I feel, uh...
Do I make you feel lucky, punk?"
Uh, who else?
"Do I make you horny?" you can say too.
Um...
"Do I make you feel horny?"
Uh, "I'm Tom Hanks!
I'm Tom Hanks. I'm in all the movies."
Uh...
"My name is Bill Clinton..." [speaking gibberish]
Let's move on, you guys get it.
Um...
I love the... I love when we get into politics, right?
Because everybody sorta has their opinion
and then say, "Well, you're wrong, I'm right."
And what I love about this...
What I love about this gang here,
what I love about the country
is we can have our disagreements,
but we can still get along, right?
We can still find the common ground.
And, you know, for example, I like... For when I...
When I want to get a drink, I get a soda, I get a Coke.
I get a Coca-Cola. I'm sorry, okay?
I get a Coke. I get a Coke.
I say, "I'll have a Coke."
And, uh, and how many people love Coke, by the way?
Let's just get a round of applause.
People love Coke.
[cheering and applause]
And then you find these people out there,
and maybe there's some here tonight,
who go, "I like Pepsi."
Huh?
I was, uh...
I was at my manager's house,
uh, we were watching the Super Bowl
and uh...
uh, you know, the Super Bowl,
and I go in the fridge, I go in the kitchen,
I say, "Can I... I'm gonna get a drink."
I go in there and there's nothing but Pepsis in there.
I said, "Mike, you know I like Coke.
"Bring a... Get a six-pack of Coke
if you know I'm coming over."
Yeah.
What the fuck is the matter with you?
This guy's like, "Uh, what?"
Okay, this is slice-of-life stuff.
This is... This is... slow burn.
This... You know, these are long format.
These are not bing, bing, bing.
These are not hot spot, just punch lines.
This is storytelling, this is Cosby comedy.
This is...
It's gonna require a little bit of your attention.
He's like, "What... what?"
He's like, "What?"
But it's funny, I was at the movies the other day.
I went to go see the...
"Batman" movie or some shit and...
...I go, uh, go to get a drink.
I go up to the counter, you know,
I say, "Can I get a Coke?"
And this bitch behind the counter says,
"Is... is Pepsi okay?"
I said, "If I wanted a Coke, I'd..."
Ah, fuck, shit. Hold on.
Sorry, everybody.
Uh, we're... we're shooting this for a special and I...
This is the one I've gotta get clean.
Um...
Do you want to... Do you want to...
Ben, are we okay to just start?
Okay. Sorry, everybody.
Um...
Let me just pick it up.
Let me just... Let me just get a little quiet here.
Um...
So I was at that the movies the other day.
Saw the new...
Okay.
Just chill, just...
I was at the movies the other day, saw the new "Batman."
And, uh...
What the fuck is funny about that?
There's no reason to... You know what I mean?
There's no reason to laugh at that.
How's that gonna cut? How's that gonna cut?
We good? Let's just get it quiet.
Why don't we get the laughs out now, just...
Ready? Three, two, one.
[laughing]
I went to go see a movie, I went to see "Batman."
[mockingly laughing]
Okay, we good?
So I go to see... Hmm, okay, here we go.
Went to the movies last week and saw the new "Batman"
and, uh, you know, I go to get a drink.
I go up to the counter and say, "Can I get a Coke?"
And this bitch behind the counter says,
"Is Pepsi okay?"
I said, "If I wanted a Coke, if I..."
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
[clearing throat]
Quiet, please.
So I went to the movies the other week
and I got to see the new "Batman" movie.
That doesn't sound right.
"I went to... saw the new 'Batman.'"
Do "Transformers."
It's a little more perennial.
Uh...
Went to the movies last week, saw the new "Transformers."
I go to get a drink.
I go up and say, "Can I get a Coke?"
And this bitch behind the counter says,
"Is Pepsi okay?"
I say, "If I wanted a Pepsi,
I would've asked for a... a Pepsi."
That's good, we're good?
Okay.
And what is it? Every week,
they're coming out with a new soft drink.
What was it the other day? Sierra Mist.
I feel like picking up the phone and saying,
"Yeah, I liked your soda better when it was called 7 Up."
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
You guys.
Wow, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Fuck!
[man] You ready?
♪♪
Hi, how are you?
[cheering and applause]
Hi.
Thank you for coming to this.
Uh, I'm... I'm also Tim Heidecker.
We got any piss drinkers here tonight?
[cheering and applause]
This is a cover from the group known as The Yellow River Boys.
It's pretty good.
It's like... this is the joke from the beginning of the night
come to life for real.
♪♪
♪ I've got my two-gallon jug of apple juice ♪
♪ Gonna drink it till the jug is dry ♪
♪ And then I'll whip out my dick and I'll fill it back up ♪
♪ Oh baby and drink it all up tonight ♪
♪ Hot piss on the tip of my lips ♪
♪ Dribbling down my chin ♪
♪ Hot piss nothing's better than this ♪
♪ To waste it'd be a ♪
♪ Waste it'd be a sin ♪
♪ Well my old lady called me a son of a gun ♪
♪ When she caught me with a jug in my hand ♪
♪ I said I'm tired of the taste for that... ♪
That clapping is really bothering me.
♪♪
Good luck splicing this together.
♪ Well my old lady called me a son of a gun ♪
♪ When she caught me with a jug in my hand ♪
♪ I said I'm proud of my taste for that sweet hot piss ♪
♪ Oh baby I ain't gonna change ♪
♪ Hot piss on the tip of my lips ♪
♪ Dribbling down my chin ♪
♪ Hot piss nothing's better than this ♪
♪ To waste it'd be a ♪
♪ Waste it'd be a sin ♪
♪ Sing it with me sing it ♪
♪ Hot piss ♪
Okay.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
I wrote, uh, that Yellow River Boys record
in a couple of weeks
and, uh, I don't think we have it for sale tonight, do we?
Oh, well.
I think it's sold out.
But, uh, I was very happy with it
and, uh, got to work on the follow-up.
Got one song done, and that's all I got done.
So... it kind of sat there for a while, this song,
and I... think it's a nice one.
So this is the only follow-up song
to The Yellow River Boys record.
It's a little ballad. I hope you enjoy it.
♪♪
♪ 25 years since they opened the door ♪
♪ I was 13, I've never been in one before ♪
♪ I still remember like it was yesterday ♪
♪ A big old fat man just pissing in my face ♪
♪ And now I'm finally in a warm place ♪
♪ At the piss club reunion ♪
♪ I remember Jesse, I remember Joe ♪
♪ They filled my cheeks with their yellow flow ♪
♪ They taught me to swallow that wonderful stream ♪
♪ And to give of the yellow ♪
♪ But none of the cream ♪
♪ And so we're all gonna drop our seams ♪
♪ At the piss club reunion ♪
♪ Some day we will have all passed on ♪
♪ To the new recruits we piss on the baton ♪
♪ If you want to honor us piss pioneers so brave ♪
♪ Whip out your dick and piss on our grave ♪
♪ Up in heaven it's the taste that we crave ♪
♪ At the piss club reunion ♪
[cheering and applause]
All right.
Thank you very much, everybody.
Would anybody care if I brought it down a little bit?
We bring it down. Bring the mood down.
I'd like to play a couple of my, uh, famous...
world-famous, uh, Donald Trump protest songs.
[cheering and applause]
And, uh, is anyone, uh,
looking forward to the nuclear war?
That's a... The inevitable nuclear war.
That's in Christmas Day, maybe.
New Year's Eve.
Very soon.
Anyways, this song I wrote about that.
♪♪
I got a burp coming, hold on.
[burps]
♪♪
♪ I was born ♪
♪ In 1976 ♪
♪ Grew up on "Red Dawn" and "WarGames" ♪
♪ And ICBMs ♪
♪ And after school me and my friends ♪
♪ We'd meet in the garage ♪
♪ And we'd take stock of the garden tools ♪
♪ To assess which ones would make good weapons, yeah ♪
♪ But my dad had it worse than me ♪
♪ He'd have to hide under a desk ♪
♪ As if that would stop the blast ♪
♪ From destroying everything ♪
♪ Then the tactics changed ♪
♪ And the poor used what they had ♪
♪ Like trucks and planes ♪
♪ And bodies strapped with dynamite ♪
♪ And it was terrible and tragic ♪
♪ But it wasn't a mushroom cloud ♪
♪ But it was terrible and tragic ♪
♪ But it wasn't a mushroom cloud ♪
♪ No, you can't put the genie back ♪
♪ In fact it's a miracle ♪
♪ That it hasn't happened yet ♪
♪ Crazy how it only takes a maniac ♪
- [cheering and applause] - Thank you guys so much!
Good night!
Thank you very much.
[cheering and applause]
♪♪
[man] Well, Rock-'n'-Roll Gary, here we are,
backstage at The Regent.
Have you ever been to this backstage before?
Not this one, no.
I was with The Who two years ago, backstage.
Well, they would like to take girls of...
of, uh, below the age, you know, the limit.
You know, Keith Moon and John Entwistle
would take them up to the roof and throw them the fuck off.
Let me get this straight, they would throw high school girls...
Catholic girls from the Catholic girls school.
- Off the roof? - Off the roof.
Now, how... how did they...
- Splat on the ground. - That's awful.
How did they...?
And then they'd go, "Who's next?"
And Peter said, "That's a great title for a... for a record."
So he began working on that record.
"My Generation."
That was their preference for...
their generation was the one... the younger girls.
They said, "That's my generation," you know?
That's the kind I like.
Ten, 12, nine.
Steve Nieve is the keyboard man
for Elvis Costello and The Attractions.
He used to... He married a horse.
He's married to a horse
and he's had children with 'em.
And I believe he is married to a horse.
I do... do believe that. I do.
- Do you know Fleetwood Mac? - Yeah.
Do you know about the tunnels?
Do you know why there's no basements in homes in L.A.?
Do you know why?
No.
When "Rumours" blew up
and the group had the biggest record in the country,
they built miles and miles of tunnels
and that way they could run all kinds of
illegal activity under the city, through tunnels.
They have tunnels. Look it up.
Now, what is Fleetwood Mac
bringing in through these tunnels?
Gold, guitars.
Guitars from Mexico you can't get here.
The big fucking guitars mariachi boys go with.
[laughter]
You can't get them here!
Absolutely, no question.