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Okay, by applause, who has not been here before?
There's no talking during the show
and there's no heckling.
I don't like doing jokes when I host,
- so this means I have nothing. - Is your sister a...
Giant baby?
I have a lot of depression.
Any of you 20-year-olds
- have depression? - My dog died
a little while ago, yeah.
- She had cancer. - I don't know how long
I've been up here.
- Feels like forever. - Like, it's fine.
I know I'm weird and it's flaws and whatnot, like...
And my entire night rests on you.
I am allergic to talking about gluten.
I was born on a go kart track.
- That's why I look like this. - I'm a potato with sad eyes!
- Welcome to the family. - She wanted to play doctor,
so I made her wait for an hour
and then told her insurance
doesn't cover elective procedures.
How about a round of applause
- for everybody? - Guys got a great rest
- of the show coming your way. - Guys, thank you so much.
Did you guys do anything today?
Were you, like, at a Jimmy Buffett concert
before you came here?
- What's... - And after I text my mom
and I was like, "Mom, I have two gold teeth now."
And she text back, "We'll have to remember that
- "when we cremate you." - Guys, this is my job
for the first time, it's nice.
Good people, good food, their accents,
- they are disgusting. - Every spring, my apartment
- gets invaded by ants. - 'Cause my brain is trying
to get back at me, you know?
No comic wants to be a comic.
We all wanted to be actors, but crunches are hard.
On the entertainment hierarchy,
it's slightly above mime
and slightly below giving handjobs
- under a bridge. - Cool, all right.
- Have a good night. - That's it.
Thank you so much. You've been great.
Goodbye.
All right, let's keep it going for Stevie Allen.
Good job, buddy.
- Did I miss it? - No.
All right, please welcome Charlie Murray.
Thank you.
Should probably wait till the end, though,
I might not be very good.
How's everyone doing tonight?
Woo-hoo.
Why is it that men suddenly decide they can cook
when it's time for a barbecue?
When it's barbecue season,
they suddenly become culinary wizards,
but stand them up in a kitchen
and they develop some sort of food amnesia.
Do we have any drivers in the house tonight?
I just started my lessons.
Please do not do a bit on women drivers.
Who says it's a bit on women drivers?
Oh, it's not?
My apologies.
Do continue.
Thought so.
You can move on to your time of the month gags now.
We're waiting.
- Bob! - Why don't you just quit it?
We're here to see her comedy, not listen to you.
I'm here to see comedy too.
What time does it start?
What's your problem?
Oh, is this part of the act?
You're a ventriloquist, she's the dummy?
Tell me something, how do you get your hand up her ass
from all the way over there?
Bob!
You gonna respond, sweetheart?
I mean, you've done this before right?
You know what, it's her first time up there...
Oh, we got a virgin!
Well, don't worry, first time always hurts a little bit.
He never treats you right, but trust me,
one day, you'll find the right career
and he'll treat you much better.
Oh, there she goes.
Charlie, wait.
You're a prick.
Guilty. Whoa!
Well, folks, that's my time.
You've been a great crowd.
What was I thinking?!
Charlie, that guy was an asshole.
- I'm not ready yet. - You are!
I don't know how to open or close or structure.
- Charlie! - The second I stood
on that stage, I froze.
And when that guy went at me, I ran.
That's it, let's go, I'm taking you out.
No.
Fine.
I'm staying here tonight.
You are the best.
Yeah, remember that when it's my birthday.
Hey, customer feedback report alert, uh-oh.
And it reads, "The young woman who served me,
"I think her name was Charlene," that would be you,
"Did not smile.
"I mean, is it that hard to smile?
"Is it? Is it?
"Is it?"
He actually asks that three times.
I mean, you see, Charlene,
smiling is the key to world-class customer service.
Wouldn't you agree?
Right, so, you think we can see that great smile of yours?
Boom, that's what I'm talking about!
Up top!
Boom.
Also, you keep that smile there, by this time next year,
you could find yourself shift supervisor,
like Bill over there.
Look at him, look how happy he is.
Bill!
Bill.
Ah, he's working, that's, Bill!
Anyways, looks great, looks good.
Need a hand?
Thank you.
Still gotta do this every month, huh?
Yep.
Here.
Thanks.
So I brought a present for you.
Okay.
So what if it takes you a little longer
to get to where you wanna be?
There's nothing wrong with having a bit of help.
All right, that looks awesome, Mimi.
- Thank you. - No, you're welcome.
Oh, is that a stegosaurus?
- Mm-hm. - Think it might be.
Good job, guys.
It's so cute.
Come on, now, children, time to get your things together.
We need volunteers for the event if you're free.
- Oh, sure. - I mean, it's nothing
- very exciting, I'm afraid. - Oh, that's okay.
Just projector and PowerPoint kind of stuff.
Oh, I'm actually not...
I'll put your name on the list, then.
Thank you so much for today.
Okay, kids, you ready?
Everybody ready?
Okay, so one person's gonna be playing defense,
facing this way, other person is gonna have the ball,
pivoting, you know, taking the ball away, okay?
Let's see how it goes.
Sis.
Hey.
How's it going?
Good.
How's coaching going?
It's going great.
So you're helping out next door?
Yeah, it's been really nice.
Coming to see Mom might be nice.
I can't figure out what to get you for your birthday.
Any ideas?
I was thinking about hiring an artist
to come sketch us all.
You know, one, big, happy...
Maybe you should be doing the comedy.
So how'd the show go?
Great.
You should get back to your team.
I'll see you later.
Charlie.
It'll suck a little less next time.
Okay?
What are you so desperate to show me?
Why do guys do that?
Dicks are ugly.
You've only slept with three guys.
Yeah, and they were ugly dicks.
You think they're ugly?
Well, not most of the time.
Most of the time, they're Gizmo, small, innocent,
but when they get those ideas in their head,
well, that's like feeding Gizmo at midnight,
and you know what happens then.
Scary Gizmo,
ugly, veiny, ready to burst,
but that's the only Gizmo guys wanna send photos of.
Oh, you just ruined my favorite Christmas film.
What's with this guy?
Weird.
There you go.
Um, we didn't order these.
Your friend's food.
You waved.
He is not my friend.
He said he was.
And you just believed him?
You waved.
We're not paying for this.
He just walked outta here with four donuts.
Yeah, he did.
We're not paying.
Well, then my boss is gonna take it outta my tips.
Let's just pay.
What?
I'll find him and get it back later.
That guy looks familiar.
I think it's the guy that heckled you off.
No.
Any room on Saturday?
We're full.
Sorry.
Is that who I think it is?
Depends on who you think it is.
The guy from the other night.
He was a big deal, wasn't he?
Not as big as he should have been.
He turned down all the TV stuff.
Just gigging two or three hundred shows a year.
Became sort of a comedy urban legend.
What do you mean?
Well, I was in Chicago once, this club owner said,
"You heard about this guy, Bobby Carpenter?
"Heard he did a thousand shows this year,
"all of them different."
Is that true?
Those numbers?
Every gig unique?
Absolute fucking nonsense.
He did gig a ton, and his material was edgy.
There was nothing safe about it.
People were so desperate
to say they'd seen him in the flesh.
I mean, if you knew comedy back then,
you knew Bob Carpenter.
You still shouldn't let him act the way he does in here.
I booted him out!
I'll be ready for him next time, though, just you wait.
Oh!
Just need a little more training, and then...
Nah.
Hey!
Those people are shit!
Anyone that's taken that course has bombed.
Did they at least finish their sets?
You wanna learn how to do stand-up, sit there and watch,
or better yet, get up there and do.
And in between, find someone that's lived
and breathed it all, and scrape their brain.
Those people people aren't stand-ups,
they wannabe stand-ups.
Ah.
Come with me.
Come on.
Ah, there it is.
A single bound.
Land on his head and walk away unscathed.
Look!
Down on the ground, it's a rat, it's a roach,
it's Tweakerman!
I remember that night.
- Yes, it's Tweakerman. - Just before he went up,
said, "What should I bullshit about tonight?"
Crackheads was the first thing that came to my mind.
And he did it, just like that?
Just like that.
You think he had any formal training or any comedy classes?
He didn't?
No, he'd just come in and he listened, watched.
He always had a notepad.
Always observing.
Why doesn't he perform anymore?
No.
I bet you think that's one of the perks, huh?
Came in that night, just went at the crowd.
Huh?
You wanna fuck me now?
Come on, Darryl, come suck...
He threw the mic at a heckler and blinded him in one eye.
We were shut down after that.
Shit.
What made him go at the crowd like that?
Oh, he was going through a rough patch.
His wife had left him, took his kid.
So that makes it okay for him to act like an asshole?
No.
But you still let him.
We go back a long way.
What do you want me to do?
Excuse me.
Can I borrow your pen?
Sure.
Have you got tickets for the show?
Thank you.
She's actually not that bad.
All the duck ponds, in all the parks, in all the world,
she walks into mine.
You owe me 10 bucks.
Mm.
Do you think this is a joke?
So you are familiar with jokes?
- Hm. - I'm being serious.
Call the cops, sweetheart.
It's your word against mine.
Are the puzzles your way of fending off dementia?
Drop 'em off at a thrift store every week.
Buy 'em in the morning, open 'em,
take out a piece, and then donate 'em.
Why?
My little way of giving back.
Anyhoo, this is great, but if you don't mind fucking off,
I like this bench to myself.
I want you to help me put together a set.
Wow.
Yeah, I was wrong about you, you're fucking hilarious.
Why not?
Because I've seen this movie a dozen times, sweetheart.
The old mentor always dies right before the end.
So it's a yes, right?
Look, girl, there are two types of people in the world:
funny people and happy people.
You cannot be both.
Do yourself a favor, go try to be happy.
Hm, what?
From the girl at the bar.
It's water.
Says it'll sober you up, you can help her out a little.
Could you give her this for me?
What do you think about using props?
I'm trying to take a shit in here,
for Christ's sake!
I'll be waiting right outside.
Bob!
Stop talking to me.
Top three tips for writing a great opening.
Go.
Worst thing you can do in an opening joke?
Jesus, are you all right?
Yeah, just fucking with you.
What we've learned is you do have
something beating in there!
Bob!
That girl was in again looking for you earlier.
Oh, you mean my stalker?
Mm, she just wants some advice, Bob.
There's no harm in it.
The only advice I'd give her
is to run a mile from this shithole.
Shame.
She's hungry.
Can't see her giving it up.
Do you want any of this stuff?
The cellar has got 40 years worth of it down there.
Oh, sure, I'll take it all,
reminisce about the good times.
I want another drink.
You can wait.
There are other bars, you know?!
Fuck off to one.
One of these days...
Why'd you keep that?
You know, Bob, we've been friends for almost 35 years.
Here we go.
Best man at my wedding.
Yeah, and look how that turned out.
Let me help you.
Jesus, Dennis, you give me this
"let me help you" spiel once a year.
Give it a rest.
You keep drinking like this, you're gonna be dead in two.
You wanna help someone?
Sponsor an orphan.
Just remember, when that first chunk of dirt
hits your casket, this ugly mug will be the only one there.
Well played, Bob.
I'm sorry about the timing.
I missed her birthday.
I thought I'd bring her a...
A gift?
Really?
No, Robert, we don't want any gifts.
We don't want your time.
We don't wanna hear where you've been all these years.
We don't want anything.
Sandy...
Well, 20 years of child support?
Maybe I'd accept that.
Hi there.
There are other food groups, you know?
Not very original, is it?
Why couldn't the washed up comic be addicted
to something other than alcohol for once?
Invent a new cliche, like,
ooh, you could be an adrenaline junkie
and try, like, paragliding or bungee jumping,
you know, something really, really dangerous.
Wait.
Did I win this one?
What is it you think you need help with?
How to structure a set.
Like, where to put your best stuff.
How to open, how to close.
How to deal with heckling assholes.
Lots of stuff.
It's gonna cost you.
250 bucks a week.
That's not a problem.
Really?
Really.
Huh.
Guess I picked the wrong line of work.
So?
Tomorrow afternoon, 4:00 p.m., Prospect Park, our bench.
See you then.
Have you noticed any change in their appearance?
No.
Well, my mind always thinks there is, but I get paranoid.
The one in the center on the base of your spine,
how long has it looked like this?
I don't...
I thought that might have changed, but...
I'm gonna send you for an excision biopsy.
When?
As soon as possible.
Why? Is it back?
Oh, it's just precaution, Charlene.
We should have results in a week or so.
- How's it going? - Good.
But I can't chat long, the kids are more hyper than normal.
We have a guest speaker coming in to talk about dinosaurs,
and the kids are counting down the days.
That's cool.
Found this last night.
Where'd you find it?
In some old boxes in the attic.
All Dad's best jokes are in that book.
And some of mine.
"What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?"
Jurassic Pork.
Do you remember me and Dad used to perform
for all my stuffed animals?
- Yep. - And then Mom used to rag
on him for filling my head with his pipe dreams.
Come on, they argued.
I get it.
I should get back.
Still on the clock.
Just so you know, it was actually Mom that found the book.
She wanted you to have it.
It's freezing.
Yeah, animals still gotta eat.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't feed 'em bread.
Why?
Stops them from getting the proper nutrients.
Then they get Angel Wing and they die.
Trust me, it's a thing.
So, what do you think we should start with?
I was thinking we could do structure first.
Like, how to get from one bit to the next?
Why do you wanna do this?
What's wrong with just wanting to make people laugh?
You're lonely, aren't you?
Don't.
That's not why you're here.
There's nothing wrong with me,
I just want you to help me out with a set.
That's it.
Okay.
Let's role play.
Make me laugh.
- What? - Oh, my god!
You're a comic, that's amazing.
Make me laugh.
- I don't... - What, you think this
is easy, doing this?
A comic is judged every 12 seconds of his life.
Her.
Her life, I'm not a man.
You live in a man's world, sweetheart.
Then I'll be sure to ask Santa
to bring me a dick for Christmas.
Ask him for some decent fucking material
while you're at it.
- What? - Make me laugh!
I find men have a really hard time with female hormones.
No.
Go again.
Just started a new diet...
You're not fat.
- What? - So why the fuck
are you on a diet?
- Because... - Because you think that's
what people expect you to talk about?
Diets and PMS?
Safe comedy's about as exciting as safe sex.
Like you can remember.
You have no identity, no voice.
What is it about you that's gonna make people listen?
If I was still in the game,
do you think you and I would be writing
about the same type of shit?
No.
Why not?
Black, white.
Vagina, dick.
- Young, old. - Exactly.
I can't do stuff about being
pulled over constantly by cops, right?
So you're saying I should write
a set about being a young, black woman?
That is what you are, yes, and that will be part of it,
but you're not the only young, black woman doing comedy.
There was a guy, used to work with him
back in the circuit in the '90s, he only had one leg.
He would fall on stage every night
with a different version of how he lost it,
and he would bring the house down.
Every night, never failed.
This guy was so good.
I swear to God, I was jealous of his fucking stump.
Okay, write this down, this is important.
What is unique about you?
What is it that you can say that nobody else can?
Focus on your vulnerabilities, your weaknesses.
Who the fuck are you?
Figure that out, then you can tell them.
What the fuck are you laughing at?
It's expensive living in New York City.
I saw a cardboard box in Central Park with a sign that said,
"Luxury one bed apartment, $2,500 a week."
So, obviously, I went for it,
but I'm gonna sublet part of it.
So that's a no to the donating, then?
Yeah.
The best thing about being a 21-year-old living in New York
with no money in the bank
is that I'm immune to credit card fraud.
Can I have my guitar back now, please?
You like making us think we're in control,
but if aliens landed today,
they'd know the real leaders are the ones at home
licking their balls all day
while we're out earning the rent.
Thank you for your honesty.
Good morning.
Hey.
What are you up to?
Scraping brains.
Oh.
Well, fuck me, Dennis, how long have I been gone?
What?
Come here.
Notice anything different?
- No. - No?
Nothing.
How about now?
Want me to sign you up?
Nah.
You need to enter this.
$500?
That's right.
But more importantly, you'd be playing
Eddie's Comedy Club in a few weeks.
Not bad for a rookie.
And if I win, I get one night to open for...
Shit.
Tracy Johnson?
The Tracy Johnson?
- No. - Yes.
I'm never gonna be good enough to win something like this.
Don't worry about winning it.
Winning a contest means shit.
Do you know how many contests I've won over the years?
Me neither.
Lost count.
Let's just worry about getting you back on the stage, huh?
Right.
Okay.
Shit.
Supposed to be at work.
Can we do this tomorrow morning?
Already counting down the minutes.
Money for the first week.
See you later.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're 10 bucks short.
For the donuts.
This one slides here, and then here, and then here,
oh, fun fact, this is the exact same method
they used to build the Eiffel tower.
I am, of course, kidding.
And then he goes right there.
C'est magnifique.
- Pete. - Yup?
I was wondering, if there's any available,
if I could get some overtime.
Yes.
Of course, you can get as much as you want.
I wish there were more like you, Charlene.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Charlene.
Please, can...
Is that supposed to be a bed?
No, it's modern art.
The Guggenheim made an offer, actually.
Why are you sleeping on the floor?
Because I loved camping as a kid
and it reminds me of that.
I loved climbing trees as a kid,
but I don't live in a fucking tree house.
Huh.
I opened for him in '91.
He's a hell of a writer.
Dennis said you were the best in the city back then.
That was Dennis's opinion.
He also showed me the tape of your last gig.
Well, he shouldn't have.
What happened?
Did your old man ever teach you
how to change a light bulb?
There's something wrong with the switch.
Dennis said your wife left you and...
And what the fuck does that have to do with you?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...
It's fine.
Look, being a comic, on the road 300 nights a year,
back and forth across the country,
it's a lousy way to lead a normal life.
So if you're thinking you're gonna meet Mr. Right,
settle down, and become a comedian, forget it,
you're gonna have to pick one.
Now, we need to get you ready for this,
so tonight at Yuk Yuk's, there is an open mic.
Every comic is allowed three minutes.
You think you can manage that?
I've been working on a bit.
Great.
See you later.
Are you leaving?
You just got here.
I'm gonna need a tetanus shot
if I stay in this shithole any longer.
Just drop by the Hyena tomorrow morning.
Let me know how it goes.
Wait, you're not coming tonight?
Not to the first one.
The temptation to heckle will be too great.
Who here works for a living?
You ever think about how
we're the dominant species on the planet,
but we're actually the only ones paying to be here?
I mean, you literally cannot exist on Earth for free.
Unfortunately, space is also really fucking expensive.
And you thought, like, New York City rents were outrageous,
I would volunteer to be a test subject for NASA
if I knew I would never have to pay another bill
or look at my boss's face again.
You could just catapult me into the sun, right?
Yeah, you'd be doing me a favor, seriously.
I mean, I working for minimum wage right now
and I gotta tell you, it's such a rush
at the end of the night when you're calculating
exactly how many hours you've drank away on your life
when you're paying your bar tab at the end of the night.
All right, thank you very much.
You guys have been great.
Have a good night.
Bye-bye.
All right, kiddo, you're up.
So?
How'd that first step back on the stage feel?
Someone did my bit right before I went up.
And?
And I had nothing else,
and I just waffled through my entire set.
What bit did he do?
Some bit on being broke and shitty jobs.
Girl, you're at an open mic night with a bunch of comics.
Everybody's broke and everybody's got a bit on it.
Best thing about being a comic is I don't have a boss.
I can come into work late, blackout drunk,
with a gerbil's tail hanging outta my ass,
and nobody can say shit.
I'm sorry, that was inappropriate,
and, of course, it's not true.
I never come to work late.
Being your own boss sounds great
until you realize you can't give yourself a raise.
My Christmas bonus to myself this year
was a drink ticket I happened to find in my pocket.
Next year, I'm hoping to find a pack
of cigarettes on the ground,
you know, something I can give my kid.
You know who else is their own boss?
Six-year-old girls with lemonade stands.
We make about the same yearly income.
There you go, little bit on me
being broke from way back when.
And still not funny!
I thought I told you to wait in the car.
That's how you deal with hecklers.
Now, write this down, it's important.
Parallel writing happens all the time,
so you're gonna have to learn to improvise.
If it really is too similar to yours,
make sure you have something you can fall back on.
I had nothing else.
Really?
What'd you do yesterday morning?
I got up.
Was it funny?
- No. - Then what did you do?
I brushed my teeth.
- Was it funny? - No.
- Then what did you do? - I cooked breakfast.
Was that funny?
It was a riot.
The eggs did a musical number for the sausages.
Hey, do you wanna be a stand-up?
- Yes. - Then find the funny
in the mundane, the everyday.
It's there, all around you, waiting to be mined,
but you gotta dig for it.
Tomorrow, what are you doing?
I'm working and then I'm giving blood.
Okay, everything you do tomorrow,
everything you see, I want you to find the funny in it.
Everything.
Then get your ass to an open mic night,
and tell the audience how goddamn funny your day was.
Thus ends the lesson.
You can go now.
Me and the wife like our alone time in the morning.
Okay.
You like her.
You think I like you.
What the fuck do you know?
Charlene?
Charlene Murray.
Oh, my god, it is you.
Hey, Sam.
I prefer Samantha.
Right.
Wow, you look great.
Did you put on some weight?
You're carrying it so well.
No more gaunt face.
It is so good to see you.
What, last time, I guess, was prom, right?
Didn't go to prom.
Oh, yeah, no.
Of course.
Well, how are you, anyway?
Oh, who are you with?
So I have this picture of my boyfriend with me.
Hot, right?
Like, way hotter than me?
It's okay, you can say it.
I brought it with me to prove to anyone
who's struggling with their love life
that if you have a great personality
and you put yourself out there,
you can always cut a picture of a hot guy out of a magazine
and people will believe he's your boyfriend.
My last real boyfriend was way too scared of intimacy.
Every time I said "I love you,"
he'd say, "Who are you, and how'd you get into my house?"
I saw on the news that Hurricane Doris
is closing in off the coast of Florida,
which is weird because usually
my mom calls before she visits.
I am terrified of having kids.
My coworker showed me a 3D ultrasound photo of her baby,
and it looked like it was on its way
to ring the bells of Notre Dame.
What are you doing?
Tell you what I'm not doing,
breathing in black mold and getting emphysema.
You get some laughs?
Barely.
I don't have 20 seconds, let alone three minutes.
Yeah, but it got you writing more.
Yeah, I guess.
So give me the bit you did.
It was just a bit on women who insist on showing everyone
an ultrasound of their babies.
It wasn't funny.
Then why did you say it?
Because, I wanted to make the point
that while I criticize most guys
for sending dick picks to anyone with eyes,
that this is no different.
I mean, these women think they're just showing off
a picture of their baby,
but what they're actually doing is flashing
an up close and personal 3D picture of their vagina.
What's wrong with that?
That was actually funnier than the bit I did last night.
Writing is rewriting.
It may take you a hundred gigs to get the bit right,
but that's okay.
Oh, by the way, I booked you a spot tonight too.
- What, but I... - Ah, ah, ah, ah, easy.
Breathe.
Okay, let's assess your first performance.
Why do you think you bombed?
'Cause some asshole heckled me off stage?
Apart from that.
I don't know.
Okay.
What's the most important joke of a set?
The last one.
Your last joke doesn't do you much good
if nobody sticks around until the end.
Your first?
Bingo, which is why you don't wanna get up on stage,
ask how everybody's doing, and then claim the audience
has lost their voice when they don't respond.
And for God's sake, if some asshole harasses you,
stand your ground, use it as a way
to win the audience early.
Capisce?
Capisce.
All right, so are we having a good time, everyone?!
Yes!
You are, are you?
Wait till you get the bill.
Okay, enough of me and my bad jokes.
Let's go on with the laughter.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together for Charlie Murray!
Someone heckles you,
for God's sake, shut him down.
Another fucking chick?
Problem?
It's okay, you can say it.
No offense, I just think women suck at comedy.
And I think that if your dick was as big as your mouth,
you'd have a date tonight.
Let 'em know you're worth sticking around for.
So for the last year,
I've been trying to be a better person.
And one of the ways I thought I could do that
is by donating blood.
Has anyone here ever donated?
Good for you, that's your blood.
Fuck sharing.
And remember, during your setup,
make sure the audience can relate to you.
Make it personal for them.
Build common ground.
Well, I'm telling you now,
everyone in here should be donating blood.
It's a great thing,
and I believe it can make a huge difference
in allowing you to be smug
and remind those around you that you're nicer
and better than them.
I even have this sticker as a visual reminder.
You can actually get hold of one of these
without even giving blood,
so if you have a busy schedule, don't have the time...
I have a stash of these in my purse if anyone needs one.
Try to take 'em so far in one direction,
that when you reverse it, they never see it coming.
Giving blood can get you out of
all kinds of annoying situations.
Take, for example, those terrible, inconsiderate people,
oh, yeah, charity workers.
We do what we can to avoid them.
We keep our earphones in or pretend we don't speak English.
And if you can make it visual, great.
We pretend we're deaf, but our sign language is.
Well, we don't know sign language, do we?
But you don't need any of that when you have this.
Stay in that zone.
Keep the energy flowing.
Emphasize words.
Repeat.
Wait, you want me to donate money?
Oh, I see, you're one of those people.
Well, as you can see, I only donate blood.
You know, blood, that stuff you need
to survive or you'll die?
That's right, you'll die.
Like, dead, gone, forever.
And I just give it away, for free, just like that.
Can't transfuse money, folks.
Thanks. That's my time.
Well?
Come on.
It was okay, yeah.
And if you had one criticism?
I'm only allowed one?
Uh.
Okay, I'm listening.
Don't trap yourself behind the mic stand.
You're hanging on to it like it's a lifeline.
It's not gonna save you from drowning up there.
Use the stage.
Own it.
There was a lot of potential with what you just did.
Now, it's time to enjoy it.
This is supposed to be fun, right?
- Right. - Right.
Don't shy away from the physical stuff.
People love slapstick.
You watch Richard Pryor or Robin Williams
with the sound down, still funny.
Comedy is more than just words.
But you did good.
Nice burn on Mr. College over there.
Thanks.
Charlene.
I'm here for Daniel.
Come in.
It's so good to see you.
Your annual checkup was just due, right?
I'm sorry, I have the dates written down.
I wanted to call you myself and ask, but...
I wouldn't have answered.
And I couldn't deal with that again,
another door in the face or another...
What does that have to do with anything?
I need you to understand why I stopped trying to mend us,
and how hard these past two years have been
since you cut me out.
I found out you cheated on my dad.
How did you expect me to react?
What do you want me to say?
Your father and I, we drifted apart.
I fell in love with another man.
I am sorry, but it happens.
Well, it shouldn't.
Please, Charlene, I just want you back in my life.
Like I said, I'm here for Daniel.
Mm.
Well, go join the party.
I mean, everyone's in the basement, so.
Okay.
Is it funny?
Hilarious.
I got takeout.
Please don't buy me food.
It's not for you.
How are things with you, anyway?
Dave still being weird?
Dave wants us to film ourselves.
That's nice?
No.
I'm not famous enough to have a sex tape yet.
But it's good to have career goals.
What is this?
It's my LA yogi bit.
Nice.
People love physical comedy.
It's about more than just the words.
He tell you that?
Yeah.
There must be a thousand other comics in this city,
I don't know why you asked him for help.
He's not as big of a jerk as he pretends to be.
Hm.
What?
I know you miss your dad...
That's not what this is about.
Okay.
Well, I'll leave you to your research, then.
Kim.
I think,
I think maybe,
maybe you should do the tape.
There's porn awards these
days. You could win a Porny.
Okay.
Bye.
And the brachiosaurus was the tallest
of all the dinosaurs in the Jurassic period.
It was as tall as
four school buses.
Next slide, please.
Hm?
What have you done?
I don't know.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's dead.
You mean, extinct, kinda like the dinosaurs.
Appropriate, no?
- I'm so sorry. - Does anyone here have kids?
Why?!
Was it really a meteorite that killed the dinosaurs?
Roar.
I'm just saying, it could have been a bunch
of critical eight-year-olds
because they're fucking terrifying.
That's not what a T-Rex looks like.
I'll be honest, I haven't spent
much time around dinosaurs,
and so that impression was pretty shitty,
and it did not go unnoticed.
I gotta say, I really feel for the T-Rex
that's not so good with the ladies
because masturbation is clearly not an option.
I would just like to point out
I did not do that bit for the kids.
Thank you so much, guys.
You've been awesome.
It was a heart attack, but it was painless.
Pain-free?
No.
It was painless and fast?
No.
The doctor said it was quick, which is good thing, right,
which is amazing, apparently.
Hello?
You're supposed to be helping me.
Sorry, I'm just...
Are you sure you wanna go there?
I think he'd appreciate it.
But I didn't wanna hear it was quick
'cause that sounds too much like quitting.
No, it's...
That's... that's some weak-ass bullshit.
I mean, man up, show some fight.
Hello?
This is Charlene.
Really?
Can't I get them any sooner?
Okay.
Yeah.
I'll see you then.
Biopsy results?
I can't get them till next week.
It'll be fine.
I hate the waiting.
I'm so fucking paranoid.
This used to be a perfectly respectable greasy spoon,
now look at it.
Fucking gentrification, huh?
The hell's the matter with you?
Nothing.
Go on, cancer, you know you want to.
Jerry Garcia's idiot brother.
Thailand, so bad, young women will actually
fuck a corpse to get out.
Why are you judging everybody that walks by?
I'm not judging, I'm analyzing.
No, you're judging and mocking.
You know, being your usual self.
I'm analyzing, and you'll do it too.
- No, I won't. - Yes, you will,
because you're gonna be on stage one night prancing around
and you're gonna forget what you were gonna say,
so you'll go with the front row.
You'll work someone for a laugh.
So the next person who walks by here,
I want you to analyze 'em.
You mean judge.
They can't hear us.
And that makes it okay?
Just do it.
Is an excellent mother, will be a future doctor,
nominee for father of the year.
There.
What's up?
I just have a lot going on right now.
You and everybody else.
Look, I booked you in at Yuk Yuk's.
I'm not going on tonight.
Oh, you're one of those fair-weather writers, huh?
Leave it at the door?
Make the stage your happy place.
Work your shit out up there.
All right, folks, before we bring
our next act to the stage,
I just wanna take a moment to send some love out
to the bar staff here at Yuk Yuk's.
Andy, Kelly, Miranda, you guys are awesome
and you make me wish I had a real job
- so I could tip you better. - Do us all a favor,
try smiling sometime.
It's almost New Year's Eve
and the tickets for our annual
comedy spectacular are selling out fast.
Trust me, you don't wanna miss it.
Now, back to the comedy.
Your next performer is a very funny young lady.
Please welcome to the stage, Charlie Murray!
Evening.
Some guy just told me I should try smiling more.
Yeah, I know.
That happen to any other women?
Yeah, hey, fucking annoying, right?
"Smiling is the key to good customer service."
"Oh, you're so much prettier when you smile."
"Hey, if you smiled more,
"it would really bring out your tits."
I bet men think that if all of the women
in the world smiled in unison, we'd cure fucking cancer.
So anyway, some more about me:
I'm 21, love movies, enjoy eating takeout,
my dad died of a massive heart attack two years ago,
love dogs, long walks.
What?
Who doesn't love dogs?
Oh, you mean about my dad dying!
That's all good, don't worry about that.
The doctor said it happened pretty quickly,
which is a good thing, apparently.
Although, I have to be honest,
I was a little disappointed when I heard that.
I mean, my dad always taught me never to be a quitter.
And then his heart just craps out just like that,
like in a matter of seconds.
That's some weak-ass bullshit!
I wanted to hear about some sort of, like,
seven-day long new world record of a heart attack
where his heart was trying to crap out
and then his brain just wouldn't let it.
Like, Heart: "I'm done."
Brain: "You're not going anywhere."
"What's the point anymore?
"All the best food's bad for me, anyway."
"Who is gonna pump all the blood without you?"
"Beats me.
"Why don't you ask the appendix
"to do some fucking work for once?"
Thank you.
Hey.
What?
Here.
What's wrong?
I took the cash in, like you asked.
She gave it all back.
And she gave me that.
I'm sorry.
Can you blame her?
No, I don't, Bob.
How's the girl?
Charlie.
I like her.
I know you do.
Just not the way she reminds you how you fucked up.
I get it.
Toss it.
You mean, out?
Horses.
You think you know someone...
Hey.
You made it.
So is this like a job
or volunteering for pleasure?
And is that manure?
What brings a man more pleasure than shoveling shit?
So you do have a job.
If I didn't have a job, Dennis would be out of business.
And we'd have never met.
Oh, so it's all your fault, huh?
- Can I? - Yeah.
My daughter loves horses.
I used to bring her here.
Between tours, I mean.
When she was little, I'd lift her up,
she'd rest her head against their necks, feel 'em breathing.
Do you see her much?
My daughter?
I see her every day.
She's beautiful.
Are you sure she's yours?
I really fucked things up.
I reach out to her, I have over the years,
she's not ready to forgive me.
Maybe she never will be.
So, you thirsty, Charlene?
What did you just call me?
It's your name, isn't it?
If we're doing names now, I prefer Charlie.
Well, Charlie, I could use a drink.
Come on.
That's Buddy.
Hey, Bud.
Water?
You know you can actually drink this stuff?
I mean, who knew?
That thing must be practically full,
the amount you scribble in it.
Yeah.
Mind if I take a look?
Christ.
It's loaded.
It's not all mine.
That was my dad's notebook.
"A dyslexic walks into a bra."
Classic.
He loved that joke.
Your dad's a comic?
He wanted to be.
Hm.
My mom wouldn't have it.
There was me and Daniel and a mortgage.
She wanted him to get a real job.
Smart lady.
Well, people get into it late these days.
- Maybe your dad... - He's dead.
Huh.
- Well, that would... - Make it difficult, yeah.
You asked me why I wanted to do this...
You can't do it for him, Charlie.
I'm not anymore.
I'm doing this for me.
So, where's your mom in all this?
I don't know.
I don't really care.
I take it the two of you are not close.
Haven't been in a couple of years.
Why not?
She cheated on my dad.
They divorced.
It was a stressful time and he had a heart attack.
I'm sorry.
But don't be too hard on your mom.
Parents are human, we do the best we can.
Sometimes, it still isn't enough.
Just don't let it go too long.
Trust me, you'll regret it.
Well, this is a fun conversation.
Hey, misery loves comedy.
You show me a happy comedian, I'll show you a liar.
Charlene.
Come in.
So how's work?
It's been fine.
Daniel told me you have a show.
Yeah, it's this contest thing.
Well, I'd like to come, if you don't mind.
You don't have to.
I know it's not your thing.
No, I really wanna be there.
Charlie.
Care to join us?
As in you two?
No one else here.
Want you to go with me to Eddie's tomorrow night.
It'll be good for you to see the place before you play it.
Okay.
That should do it.
Give it a try.
That work?
Yeah.
Oh, my god, are you okay?!
You jerk.
What?
I'm just fucking with you.
Delivery.
I wonder who that could be.
Charlie Murray?
- Yeah. - Sign here, please.
- What is it? - It's big.
Let me grab it off the truck for you.
Thanks.
I bought you a bed.
A bed?
Mm-hm.
Why?
Can you even afford that?
Oh, yeah, some smart-ass has been paying me
to show her a few things, so.
Thank you very much, you've been great.
Give it up for Eddie.
Guy was a fucking hack.
Be nice, it's a big room.
Who's the headliner?
Jeez, I don't know.
Guess we're gonna have to wait and see.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have something very special tonight.
In just a couple of weeks' time,
we're going to have to share this next young lady
with the rest of the world
as she hits the road for a completely sold out arena tour,
but tonight, she's still all ours.
So let's go crazy for New York City's
very own Tracy Johnson!
Come on, bring her out here!
Thank you!
I love you Brooklyn,
even though this is where I met my ex, the rat.
I call him the rat because he ate all my food,
was unemployed, and my landlord couldn't get him
out of my apartment.
He wasn't a couch surfer.
It was more like the moment he made contact with my sofa,
he sunk like he was encased in concrete.
We met on the subway.
I thought he was a musician because he had a guitar.
He made more money when he didn't play it.
You know, it's tricky,
'cause the lighting can be very flattering in a subway.
And he looked like an attractive rodent,
like the type that you might wanna test cosmetics on.
Actually, he turned out to be a feral rat
that carried the plague.
It's okay, you guys, I just finished
my last course of antibiotics.
Thank you, you guys are awesome.
Woo.
Woo!
So what'd you think?
Amazing.
Thank you for bringing me.
You hungry?
I could eat.
I'm gonna go have a smoke.
When I get back, I'll take you for a bite.
Okay.
Bob.
Damn.
Eddie.
Fuck, I thought it was you in there.
Jesus, man, how is it you're still alive?
Ah, one of the mysteries of modern science, Ed.
Right on.
Wanna go up and do a couple of minutes
just for old time's sake?
No, I'm good, thanks.
Huh, all right.
Say, who's the chick you're with, by the way?
Chick?
Oh, nah, she's a young comic, just showing her the ropes.
Screwing her?
Eddie, I'm a lot of things, I'm not that.
Bullshit.
You got more ass than anybody in town
back in the day, brother.
That was a long time ago.
You're welcome for the set the other night.
What?
You were riffing off what I said.
You see, that's the kinda person I am,
you know, just always trying to build up the little guys.
You know, maybe if you ask me nicely,
I'll let you open for me sometime.
Huh, I didn't know busboys had openers.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
So you're telling me that you're just training a comic?
That's it.
What the fuck happened to you?
Yeah, tell me about it.
So, mind if I take a shot?
A shot?
- With her? - Yeah.
Eddie, you're a hundred fucking years old.
Well, fuck you.
I've still got a dick.
And it still doesn't suck itself.
So what do you say?
I say she's a millennial
with daddy issues and a pipe dream.
There's nothing remotely special about that girl,
so don't waste your time.
Chicks with daddy issues are the very best.
They'll do anything for you.
Eddie.
Yeah?
You and I go back a long way.
- Yeah. - Leave the girl alone.
All right.
You ready?
What?
Hey!
What the hell's going on?!
I don't care if you think I suck,
but if you have something to say, say it to my face.
What are you talking about?
"A millennial with daddy issues and a pipe dream"?
Seriously?
Okay, listen to me...
You're a piece of shit.
- Charlie... - No.
I guess the people agree with you.
I don't get it, I think she's funny.
So do I.
I got your text.
Biopsy results.
This is great.
Why aren't you happy?
I am.
How's prep with Bob going?
It's not.
We're done.
What?
We're done.
But what about the contest?
I don't want him there.
I don't think he cares, anyway.
Bob fucking Carpenter.
That's my actual middle name.
And you are?
Kim, Charlie's friend.
Best friend, actually, so I know everything.
Look, I'm an asshole.
What I said, it's not what it sounded like,
certainly not what I meant.
So fix it.
She's performing at Eddie's tomorrow night.
You should be there.
She doesn't want me there.
Yeah, she does.
You may have been an asshole, Bob,
but you've done more than help her make people laugh.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, so, feminism is largely bad.
Yeah, but you know what, there are some positives.
First, it made it okay for women to be sluts,
and I fucking love that kinda girl power.
You know, I'd say I'm body-positive,
in that I'm positive I want your body on me.
Fatties need not apply.
And I love the Women's March.
You know, it got my roommate's girlfriend
out of the apartment.
You know, I just wish she had kept marching
and never came back, but she did,
so I guess she just wasn't that dedicated
to the cause, I suppose.
You know, if women are so oppressed,
then how am I hearing about it all the time?!
Seriously, "Ooh, I want equal rights!"
"Ooh, I want equal pay!"
"Ooh, don't grab my pussy, Mr. President."
Slap.
No, and now I need tampons because my ears are bleeding
from having to listen to this shit
and I need something to stop the flow.
Tampax.
So do feminists really know what oppression means?
Like, the textbook definition.
You live in New York fucking City.
The only oppressive thing about living here
is the crushing weight of your broken dreams.
That's it for me tonight, folks.
Thank you so much for having me.
And give it up for your wonderful host!
Nice job, Paul.
Beautiful, man.
Very, very nice.
And we're gonna keep the funny going tonight
because coming up on the stage right now
is a very funny young lady from the Bronx,
but please don't hold that against her.
Let's make some noise now, please, for Charlie Murray!
There she is!
Come on!
Charlie!
Thank you.
So, when I was 18, I was diagnosed with cancer.
Wow, tough crowd.
Now, I don't wanna brag,
but you are in the presence of greatness.
It was skin cancer.
I am black.
That shit is rare.
I'm like a unicorn.
I'm like a unicorn who's dating the Easter Bunny.
No, I'm like a unicorn who's dating the Easter Bunny,
whose best friend is Jesus.
That's how fucking rare and special I am.
And you all get to watch me on stage for just a few bucks.
How fucking lucky are all of you?
As you can see, I am not a stereotypical black girl.
I have no ass, no aversion to getting my hair wet,
and I had skin cancer.
I basically had my black card revoked by this point.
Still have my marijuana card, though.
Yes.
And what better excuse to smoke weed is there than cancer?
I mean, not even your mom can tell you no at that point.
Isn't that right, Mom?
Hey, Mom.
That's my mom, everybody.
I was a teenager lighting up a joint in the living room,
like, "Y'all better be thankful I'm hitting this blunt
"and not biting the dust."
And there would be nothing anyone could say!
Getting cancer has made me super paranoid.
Like, I am afraid of any and all sources of light.
I am the only person
who's actually not comforted by a nightlight.
I've sort of just accepted that I'm gonna come down
with some other illness in my life,
so now I spend most of my time looking up ailments online
and praying for a really, really good one,
like, it's some sort of fucked up
catalog service that God offers.
Not arthritis, that's boring.
Not an STD either,
I can find a diseased and willing dick on my own.
Maybe something more like glaucoma or anxiety
because I've already got a stash
of, like, 20 years worth of Kush.
Thank you so much, everyone.
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you, you've been amazing.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with second,
but you should have won.
Ah, winning contests doesn't mean shit.
Hey.
Why don't you do us all a favor?
Try smiling sometime.
Told you it'd suck a little less.
I hope you know that your dad would be so proud.
And so am I.
So proud.
Mm.
Bob was there.
Just so you know.
You should have seen his face.
- Food? - Food.
Yeah. Okay.
Whoa.
I decided to embrace the inevitable.
Well, good for you.
So how did our young Charlie do tonight?
She did great.
Bruce Willis.
That's who you look like now.
Ha, should have done that years ago.
Wanna grab a coffee?
Yippee-ki-yay.
You know where the key is.
Why do you wanna do this?
What's wrong with just wanting to make people laugh?
Mm, you're lonely, aren't you?
I saw your show tonight.
I heard.
You did good.
Why didn't you tell me you had cancer?
You never asked.
It's okay.
I'm fine now.
I'm glad.
You look good up there.
Maybe you should give it another shot.
You know, watching you tonight, did cross my mind.
Ooh, a baby boomer with heckling issues?
Ugh, I don't know, Bob.
After everything I've done for you,
least you can do is give me a few tips.
Okay.
Well, first off, you need to work on your posture.
- Really? - Yeah, no one wants to watch
a slouchy comic.
And no focusing on the floor.
You're not looking for loose change.
Make eye contact.
Build common ground.
Remember, a comic is judged every 12 seconds of his life.
Her.
Her life.
Write this down, this is important.
The first joke of a set has gotta be the best one.
You gotta make a splash.
Make sure they know you're gonna show 'em a good time.