Downloaded from YTS.MX
[Italian music playing]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Nick Griffin: New York town is an amazing town
with tons of very cool things to do.
I don't do any of 'em, but it's nice to know
they're there.
I think a controlled environment is better for me...
coffee,
soup,
my table.
There's me reading.
There's me working on the computer.
Yeah, see, I'm like a relatively stable mental patient.
Who cares anyway? Have a show tonight.
That's the only thing that matters to me.
My show.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Griffin!
[cheers, whistles]
Thank you. Oh stop!
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, okay.
That's nice of you.
Thanks.
Awe, thanks. Thanks for coming out. You look good.
You do.
- You feel good? - Man: Yeah.
- [cheering] - Yeah, that's...
Good for you, man. That's not easy.
Right, feeling good? In this town?
Whew.
Eight million other people.
And they're not all pullin' for ya.
Right? Everyone's in a hurry.
That's what people are doing in this town. They're goin'.
Everyone just wants to go.
Wherever you are just go.
Now, go.
Should say that at the airport.
"Welcome to America. Now move your ass.
It makes me so anxious.
Every time I'm in line everywhere
the person behind you
with that huff of disappointment...
[sighs heavily]
It's not me!
Everyone just wants to go, man. They just wanna go.
They wanna get home and do absolutely nothing!
Everyone in your whole life tells you
to stop and smell the roses, then you do it,
and they're like, "Not in front of me, asshole!
Do that shit at home."
So much to contend with in this town.
Had a guy the other night
just wanted to show me his penis.
Didn't even ask to see it.
Just walking home by myself...
late, it's dark,
guy standing between two cars.
He's like, "Hey, buddy." And I'm like, "Hey."
And he goes, "Eh!"
I'm like, "Oh Jesus.
A penis."
I'm like, "Okay.
Now what?"
My friend said, "Did you kick his ass?"
I said, "His penis was out.
I'm not gonna fight a guy with a penis out.
Right? What if it goes off?
Oh my God. Do I have to call you? 'What's happening?'"
No, I did not kick his ass.
'Cause he didn't really, it wasn't like...
He didn't do it in a mean way.
You know what I mean?
It wasn't like, "Suck it!"
It was more like,
"Not bad right?"
It's such a weird thing to do too, like,
that he would just, he'd just go out in public
and show your penis to some stranger.
It just seems so odd,
and to to it with some... I say I could never do that,
uh, and if I could
I wouldn't do it with such gusto, right,
I wouldn't, "Eh"...
It'd be more like, "Huh?
Is this? Anything?
No?
Okay, so, fuck it."
I looked it up why people do that when I got home.
I actually looked it up. I was so curious
why someone would just...
And they said they do it for the reaction--
from the other person-- they get off on their reaction.
But what do you,
what are you hoping for, you know?
"Hey, good for you.
You rascal. Bring that over here.
It's your lucky day.
Let's make this work."
That's why I don't go out too much, you know.
I mean, I'm a comic. I go out and do my sets,
but I'm not very social.
I did go to a big concert recently,
and that was my last big, uh,
social event, and that was good.
Yeah, it was a nice big sold out 20,000 seats
sold out, packed.
A lot of waiting though.
Have you been to a big concert lately?
It's, right, it's a lot of waiting.
you got to wait to get into the concert.
You got to wait for a drink.
You gotta wait for the bathroom. You gotta wait for the band.
And before the band starts,
they're always like, "Are you ready to rock?"
"Yes.
We are ready to rock.
We paid for parking.
We bought a ticket.
I don't know how to prove to you I'm ready to rock.
What am I not doing?"
"I can't hear you!"
They always pull that shit, right? "I can't hear you!"
"Yes you can.
You can hear me.
It's a music hall. It was built for acoustics.
You can hear me. I can hear you.
I can hear you lying to me.
Now I'm not ready to rock.
You've actually killed my desire to rock.
I was gonna rock the fuck out of this place, too.
It's your loss, buddy."
That's why I think concerts are for when you're younger.
'Cause when you're young and somebody says, "Are you ready to rock?",
you get excited. "Oh my God.
I am ready to rock.
How did that guy know?"
But when you are a grown-up, you're busy.
You're like, "Just fucking go!
Seriously!
Yeah!
Play the six songs I like, and wrap it up!
And no drum solos!
I don't know if they're good or not!"
There's always a nine-minute drum solo at every concert.
My buddy's always like, "Isn't that amazing?"
"I don't know!
What's a bad drum solo sound like?
What does he, missed the drum?"
Then it was, you know.
Look. It was a nice concert and everything.
But...
I just feel like some of these bands
could be more efficient with their time.
Look. Tighten it up.
'Cause if they're not singing at a concert, they're lyin' to you.
That's what's happening at a concert.
If they're not singing, they're lyin' to you.
"We love this town." "Fuck you.
No one loves Toledo.
You love this town?
Well, there's hundreds of apartments available here.
Why don't you buy one, Bono?
'Course you love this town.
You just made a million dollars in an hour and a half.
We live here. It blows.
You know, come on. I'm ready to rock."
Took a date to the concert and that didn't
go well.
Got into an argument.
She started crying. Which is awful.
I hate when a-- I mean, it's sad when a woman starts crying,
but I don't know what to do when a woman is crying.
When a guy is crying you just step back...
because he's clearly insane.
When a guy is just crying, you say, "No!
Act like a big boy."
But I don't know what to do when a woman starts crying.
Everything in my head sounds silly.
What I think I should say sounds stupid, you know?
"Tissue?
Hug? I don't...
Do you wanna get married? How do I stop this?"
I get the same feeling when a woman is crying
as I do when a toilet starts overflowing.
Oh no. No, no, no, no!
Oh.
Son of a bitch.
Now I'm gonna have to lock the door and live here.
We broke up a couple weeks later.
She broke up with me, which I prefer.
I don't-- yeah.
I don't want to break up with people.
It's too difficult.
Right? Breaking up with people. It's difficult.
'Cause you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, but you
want them to go away forever.
It's very tricky.
If you, uh, if you do break up with someone or they break up with you,
you don't wanna see 'em again, right? No.
Not unless you look great...
and you're with someone better than them.
Yeah.
And that never ever happens.
You're always in a Subway eating a footlong.
Like 1:00 a.m.
Miss me?
It's tough to break up with someone.
They, uh...
She said she was gonna beak up with me by text,
but her friends talked her out of it.
- [laughter] - Yeah.
She said it's impersonal.
I'm like, "Not with some of the Emojis they have now."
They got the little pile of poo poo and the ghost.
I gotta start over now.
Yeah, first dates at my age.
What the hell do you say on a first date at my age?
"So...
what did you wanna be?"
When you're young.
It's easier when you're young, man.
So much more of an innocent venture when you're young.
Right?
Remember that first dating pool of people you drew from?
Late teens-early twenties, remember that?
That was a fresh pool.
That was a clean pool.
People were excited to be in that pool.
I'm 30 years down the line.
It's a...
it's a dirtier pool now.
Yeah, it's the public pool.
It's Saturday about four.
I don't know.
It felt more liberated when I was younger.
I did dating.
I'd say silly things when I was younger
'cause I hadn't been lied to and dumped and divorced and...
Silly dumb things. "You complete me."
I said that once when I was younger. "You complete me."
If she had said, what does that mean? I'd gone,
"You got me."
I don't know.
"I can't live without you."
I can't say "I can't live without you" anymore.
I'm 50. I lived without her.
Yeah, it wasn't even that hard.
The best years of my life were without you.
I think you should go.
Actually, I don't know.
I know I sound cynical. I wish I didn't but...
I think adulthood does that to you.
It's, uh...
You don't get enough encouragement. That's a big thing.
I don't think you get enough encouragement as an adult.
You know, everyone is pulling for you when you're young.
"You can do it.
You can be anything you wanna be."
What do they say to you when you're an adult?
"Hang in there."
They might as well say, "It's almost over."
And they have those fairy tales too, when you're young,
stuff you look forward to,
Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy.
We don't have any of that. I mean, it seems silly.
But it'd be nice to have something a little...
Hope Goblin.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a Hope Goblin
who visits you in the middle of the night
and blows optimism up your ass?
You wake up feeling refreshed one morning
you're like, "What the hell happened?"
Hope Goblin.
"Thanks, Hope Goblin."
I guess you could see all this coming.
Remember when you're a kid, ever now and then
you'd look at your parents and they'd seem
anxious and pissed off for no reason.
Right, and you'd be like, "Jeez, what's their problem?"
Then you get older and you're like, "Oh, okay.
Everything sucks.
You tricked me."
No, things are good.
They are, they're fine.
You just have to, you know, contend with it.
Deal with it.
It's hard.
Being an adult.
It's just babysitting yourself all day.
Isn't that what being a grown-up is,
trying not to do the things you really want to do?
Here's being a grown-up in two seconds.
"Uh!...I can't."
I try not to eat too much or drink too much
or smoke too much or spend too much
or watch too much.
That's why adults go to bed early.
There's no really nothing left to fucking do.
"But it's 7:30." "It's over!"
"And if I can't have ice cream, what's the point?"
I couldn't wait to be an adult
when I was a kid.
Oh, I was looking forward to it, man.
I thought about it all the time.
You know why? 'Cause I wanted to stay up late.
That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid.
I wanted to stay up late. "Can I stay up late?"
"No, you can't." "Fuck.
Fuck. When I get older, I'm gonna stay up late."
Now I take a pill so I can fall asleep like that.
"End this nightmare!
I wanna go to sleep."
I don't even know if it's the sleeping I love so much
as I hate the waking.
That's an ugly change, isn't it?
From dreamland to waking.
One second I'm having sex with Charlize Theron,
the next I'm...me.
Wow!
This isn't what was happening before.
Hmm.
You ever wake up angry?
Anyone?
Right? It's weird.
Nothing's even happened yet and you're like...
"Fuck.
I don't like where this is headed."
You're two seconds in,
you're like, "Mm-mm."
This usually happens when you're broke.
Broke people wake up angry.
Right? Yeah, 'cause when you're broke,
that is the first thing you think of when you wake up.
"Ut...
Uh yeah.
Son of a bitch."
It's all you think about when you're broke.
"I'm broke."
Yeah sir, you're consumed with it.
You do your job, you do your errands,
but the whole time all your thinking is, "I'm broke."
I'm jogging. "I'm broke."
I'm broke jogging.
I'm doing paperwork. "I'm broke."
Even when you're having sex. "I'm broke.
Thank God this is free."
I'm not saying rich people don't get angry, of course they do.
- Woman: Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm just saying, it's hard to imagine
George Clooney rolling over in the morning going, "God dammit.
What the fuck have I done with my life?"
I need more money.
[laughs]
Yeah.
I need more money.
Some guy the other night said,
"Money can't buy you happiness."
I'd like to do my own research on that.
We're gonna run some different tests.
[sarcastically] "Money can't buy you happiness."
What a dick.
"Money can't buy you happiness."
Okay, but can I be sad in a nicer apartment?
That way if I die suddenly,
at least it'll be considered tragic.
They'll find my dead body in a beautiful apartment
and they'll be like, "Ah, too bad.
Look at this place."
If they find my dead body in the apartment I have now
they're gonna go, "Makes sense.
This is a dead guy's apartment.
Wow."
I have a tiny apartment.
It's tiny.
And you gotta walk five flights of stairs to get to it.
Five flights of stairs to get to a tiny apartment.
So it's exhausting...
then disappointing.
Yeah.
It's like taking a really long hot bus trip to Denny's...
everyday.
I don't have much money.
Older people say,
"Why don't you just work harder?"
And I say, "Because it's harder."
Older people don't think anyone younger than them...
work hard.
That's obvious. I mean, a lot of people--
it doesn't matter how old you are--
if someone's older than you, they don't think you work hard.
"You don't work hard.
Your generation has zero work ethic."
I worked harder than you."
"Okay.
I can beat you at Xbox."
Two things that don't matter.
They're right though. I think older people did work harder than us.
You know why? 'Cause there wasn't anything else
to fucking do back then.
He used to fly kites for fun!
I had a cell phone. I have a computer.
I got video games. They had a yo-yo.
I feel stupid saying it, a yo-yo!
I'd rather work...
than play with a yo-yo.
That's how bad yo-yos suck.
"Hey Nick, we got a yo-yo over here."
"Nah, I'm gonna keep digging."
If you handed a kid a yo-yo today,
he'd hang himself with it.
Yes!
Old people worked harder,
but it was a different country back then.
It was a manufacturing company. We were building stuff,
highways and cars and buildings.
Grandpa had to focus. He had to pay attention.
If he didn't pay attention,
he got his hand stuck in a machine.
Most of us are in cubicles.
If we don't focus, we...
go on to the Internet.
Yeah, I watched a guy
get his hand stuck in a machine.
I don't know.
I guess I'm not a hard worker.
I mean, I'm a hard-working comic.
- [laughter] - Exactly, yeah.
You're onto me.
I'm a hard-working comic,
which is like being a
very busy clown.
I mean, this is me working right now.
And I'm taking a break.
I don't even have to be anywhere till 8:00 p.m.
8:00 p.m.
I realized today if I was under house arrest
it would have zero effect on my daily schedule.
It would actually open things up a bit.
"All right, I'm in a house now."
I don't know. Maybe I've never been a hard worker.
I used to work fast food,
that didn't go well, either, I...
Yeah, I was bad though.
I was a virgin though. That's why I...
I don't think you could be a good worker when you're a virgin.
You're a little focused on other things.
It's lucky I didn't dry hump the salad bar.
I was dying!
He used to say the same thing though everyday,
"You act like you don't wanna be here."
"This is not an act, sir.
This is the truest thing in my life.
I really don't wanna be here.
No one wants to be here.
Even the customers are like, 'We shouldn't be here.'"
I remember those hard-ass managers
when you're like 15, 16.
Every time he'd come around the corner,
"Why aren't you doing anything?"
"'Cause you weren't looking at me.
Isn't that how this works?
It's how I get powered up by your vision."
So this is a good job, I guess, you know.
Ah, anyway, I have my days free. That's what I do.
If I socialize, it's during...
I called my buddy the other day.
I said, "Hey, you wanna go get some lunch?"
He said, "I can't right now. I'm taking a bath."
I said, "That's okay. I'm not hungry anymore."
He's taking a bath!
What kind of man takes a bath during the day?
What, did you kill a guy?
What are you, an old prospector?
Did you come into the big city for a bath and a whore?
Ladies, I get it. You take baths all the time.
You have a glass of wine. You unwind.
You relax. You light a candle. It's a good thing.
But not for a man.
No. If a man's taking a bath during the day,
something horrible has happened.
Seriously, ladies,
if you come home and your boyfriend's in the tub, run.
It's about to become part of a Lifetime movie.
"The Stranger In My Tub."
So I didn't have lunch with my friend.
Yeah.
I had lunch by myself in my apartment.
I had a can of soup.
[silence]
That's the right response.
It never blows anybody away when you...
say "can of soup."
Can of soup.
Even the directions on a can of soup
are pathetic.
"Heat and stir...
Do you think you can do that, loser?
Hmm?
Hmm, you fucked up the rest of your life.
Do you think you can heat and stir this soup?
You know what, just stir it.
We're gonna send somebody over to heat it for you."
Do you know why soups says "heat and stir" on it?
'Cause it can't say "open the window and jump."
It's against the FDA or something.
So I'm sitting there eating my can of soup at the kitchen table
by myself reading the back of the can of soup.
It's a big day for me.
You know what the back of the can of soup had on it?
"Fancy serving suggestions."
That's right.
It said, "Why don't you try adding chicken"?
"I don't know. Why don't you try adding chicken?
Didn't you make the soup?
If chicken makes it better,
why wouldn't you have started with fucking chicken?"
Yeah.
"I don't have time to add chicken.
I'm writing a suicide note right now.
I'm taking the top of the can and running it across my wrist.
And then I'm gonna take a bath."
So, uh, yeah, the whole soup situation got me down.
I told my friend I was down, he said, "Nick, remember,
no matter how bad it gets,
there's always someone worse off than you."
So now I'm depressed
and worried about this other poor guy.
Yeah.
If he dies, I'm fucked.
Yeah.
I'll be the guy,
"Well, at least you're not Nick."
And the whole...
The whole thing was my fault!
Because the whole conversation started with my friend saying,
"How's it going?"
And I said, "I'm depressed."
And, uh, you don't say that
when someone says, "How's it going?"
Right?
When someone says "How's it going?" You say, "Fine."
It doesn't matter how you're feeling, you say, "Fine."
You could be on a ledge, "Fine.
Just finished my soup."
I said, "I'm depressed."
He said, "You should workout more.
You should exercise."
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I hate my life, now let's extend it.
Mm.
Wow, look at the tight ass on that sad guy.
That's some sweet ass.
You ever get depressed, ma'am?
Yeah. Yeah, sometimes...
It's okay, right?
I had a lady the other night say, "I never get depressed."
She was sitting right there. There was no chair.
She was just sitting right there.
She said, [sarcastically] "I never get depressed."
She said it like that.
Uh, that depressed me.
That's how sensitive I am.
She said, "If I start to get down,
I look at the ocean or a sunset
or kids playing."
I'm like, "Yeah, I guess that works for a minute.
But I can't go to the park
and stare at kids all day.
Some guy's gonna come over,
"Which one's yours?"
"None of 'em.
Nah, it just makes me feel good."
I don't even think I'm depressed.
I think I'm just an adult.
I do. I think that, uh...
I think your general level of joy comes down a little bit, not a lot,
but a little bit, as you get older.
'Cause you got more worries, more responsibilities,
more stuff to think about.
Right?
Got more bills.
It's easy to be happy when you're a kid,
but I mean, you get older, I mean,
what do you get excited about as an adult, a real adult,
30 and above not counting kids,
what do you get excited about?
Sex? Money?
Booze?
Dessert?
There's others, but those are four biggie's.
Sex, money, booze, and dessert.
And sex and money are complicated,
so most of us end up drunk and chubby.
It's true.
I know there's some people, young people and they're
probably thinking "That's sad. That guy's sad, man.
I'm not gonna be like him. No way.
When I get to be his age, I'm gonna be active.
I'm gonna meet the right person and get the right job
and be in the right shape."
No you're not.
You're gonna be like me.
Walking the grocery aisles at midnight
like it's like last call at a singles bar.
Stopping in front of the cookies.
"Well...
who do we have here?
Double stuff indeed.
Let's go..
Shh.
No one's gonna hurt you."
Gotta work on my attitude though.
It is something you have to work on when you get older, you know,
'cause it's, it's so much stuff to...
It weighs on you.
They say get up early. Now see, that's a big one.
They say if you wanna feel good about yourself get up early,
accomplish something, then you feel good
the rest of the day that you've accomplished something.
But to me, getting up early
is the accomplishing something.
So when I do that I,
I go back to bed.
"I did it!"
Hard to get out of bed, man.
Bed is where all the good stuff happens.
Right, sleep, sex...
If you're single, dinner.
Hmm. Ever had a can of soup in bed?
Whew!
It's like being in the womb.
No, it gets-- no.
You don't wanna get out of bed though, do you?
Do you, people? You love your bed, don't you?
Don't you love your bed?
- [cheering] - Yeah.
Right? It's nice, isn't it?
The bed is so good that when you get out of bed in the morning
and there's someone still in there,
you fucking hate 'em just a little.
"You son of a bitch.
Mouth breather."
That should be one of the vows, "In sickness and in health,
for richer for poorer, and when I get out of bed,
you get your ass out of bed.
Piece of shit."
You don't wanna get out of bed, man, 'cause you're tired.
And you're ugly.
Yeah, you're ugly. You're ugly in the morning.
You're never gonna be more uglier than you are in the morning.
Yeah, that's why couples don't speak first thing.
They're in shock.
"Oh, please don't be mine. Please don't be mine!
Tell me that's a homeless man!
Yikes."
It's awful, man, you go to that bathroom mirror... "Uh!
Whew! What, did my pillow explode?"
It's a nightmare. Your hair is messed up.
Your eyes are bloodshot, your face is puffy.
You got gunk coming out of every crease.
It's like someone tried to choke you to death
and gave up halfway through.
Nah, it's taking too long.
At least he's ugly.
Tired and ugly in the morning, and you're dumb.
You're dumb just for like a minute.
Just for like a minute when you first wake up
you're kind of disoriented.
You ever have somebody ask you a question as soon as you wake up?
It's jarring.
"Have you seen my charger?"
"What?
Jesus Christ.
Slow it down for a second.
What in God's name is a charger?
And look away. You're hideous."
Tired and ugly and dumb.
You got dumb clothes on.
Right?
Sweatpants.
Morning sweatpants.
Those are different.
Sweatpants that will never see the inside of a gym.
Here's the deal.
If you don't workout in your sweatpants,
they're not sweatpants.
They're failure slacks.
You're wearing failure slacks!
The robe is also stupid.
I have one. It's pathetic though.
It's just...
a pathetic piece of cl...
It's just a blanket with a string around it.
"I'm ready for nothing!"
Might as well tape a pillow around your head.
It's productive as you can be.
Women look good in a rob. Women can pull it off.
Leave it open a little, it's nice.
Guys not so much.
It's a bad look on a guy.
Guy's look two things in a robe, sleazy or mental patient.
Come on, it's not a good look.
It's not!
No guy in the history of the world has ever walked out
of the bedroom in his robe and his wife's like, "Whoa!
Check it.
I didn't know you had a little flannel dress.
And you're wearing slippers?
It's gonna be a fuckfest in here!"
And I'm not trying to make you feel bad.
I have a rope. It just looks dumb.
Some things just look dumb.
Especially on men.
You ever take your underpants off before your t-shirt?
Huh, you ever walk around like that for a minute?
Warm up top, breezy in the basement?
Hmm, this is how perverts must feel.
"Come here. I saw you in the park."
It's not a very dignified look,
the no pants, t-shirt.
No one respects you if you're not wearing underpants.
"You kids get to bed."
"Why don't you go fuck yourself, how's that sound?"
Anyway.
I just like sleeping.
That's the whole point. Love sleeping.
I think there's two kinds of people in the world,
those who love sleeping
and successful people.
Yeah.
You ever fall asleep after eating too much
in the middle of the day?
That's a special kind of shame.
You wake up from that, you gotta go to fucking church.
I sleep too much.
'Cause I'm always flying everywhere and then I'm tired
and I just go to bed.
I do. I just, uh, sleep too...
Every time my friend comes over, I'm sleeping.
He's like, "You're sleeping your life away, man.
You're sleeping your life away."
I say, "No. I'm dreaming.
Yeah, I'm doing wild stuff in my dreams. Adventures.
What'd you do while I was asleep, clean the kitchen?
Straighten the garage?
I just fucked a werewolf.
Checkmate."
Did that joke last week, some guy yelled out, "Werewolf?
What are you gay?"
Yes, that's the weird part of that joke so.
Gay part.
No, I am not gay.
But at 50, after a bad divorce,
I am willing to look at the brochure.
I like being around gay guys.
You know, I like being around different kinds of people.
It's just nice. It's interesting.
It's a good part of, uh...
you know, living in this country, I guess.
It's like, uh, 'cause I grew up in Kansas
and, uh, suburbs of Kansas, so there wasn't a lot
of diversity in the suburbs of Kansas.
They're basically two kinds of people in the suburbs of Kansas.
White people and their kids.
Let me see Khaki.
You know, I live in a very gay neighborhood.
It's nice to be in a gay neighborhood. It's nice to be around
a bunch of gay guys, not because they're gay,
but because I'm not very masculine to begin with.
I'm about average.
But standing next to a guy in shorty shorts and purple high tops,
I feel like Clint Eastwood, man.
I do.
But I'm straight.
I'm working on it.
Working out.
Uh, trying to stay in shape and, uh,
older now and that's not fun.
Working out when you're older, I mean,
you know, working out when you're younger is fun.
I mean, you workout when you're young 'cause you wanna look good and feel good
and maybe meet someone and yee-ah.
You workout when you're older so you don't die.
Gee, I better get to the gym so I can live.
Do a little cardio. Do a little weights and do the crunches.
Or work that stomach, you know, 'cause I'm single.
Gotta try and get that stomach... [grunting]
That's a weird feeling... [grunting]
Lying there on the dirty ground... [grunting]
People walking by, "Is he okay?"
"[grunting]
I like soup!"
But you do it 'cause you wanna get that stomach.
That's what's everyone's after, the stomach.
Nice and tight so you can have that moment before sex
where you take off your shirt and you're like,
"You made the right choice."
Right?
'Cause we've all got that moment where we take off the shirt
and we're like, "Sorry.
It's been a long winter.
I was fucking a werewolf for a while and...
got me off my game.
No, I'm not gay."
I don't know. I just wanna be in decent shape.
I don't need to be in great shape anymore. Decent shape.
Yeah, I mean, look at me, I'm 50. I got white hair.
Wanna have white hair and six-pack abs?
I'll look like I'm from the future.
I'm not gonna be in great shape. I don't eat right, you know.
Does anyone do this? Is it possible?
Is that a myth?
Right, it's, yeah.
I'm a comic. I work late then I get hungry,
and I'm not gonna go looking for broccoli at midnight.
I'm not a douche.
I eat what's available at midnight,
pizza, cheeseburgers, fries, candy, ice cream.
I eat like I was raised by Willy Wonka.
Ate a lot of pizza, right?
Especially in this town.
Pizza's everywhere though, isn't it?
Jeez, pizza is just...
You can get pizza anywhere.
Pizza's become, you know, quite frankly, a whore.
I mean, anywhere. I travel the road. It's everywhere
They have it at gas stations. I was in Iowa.
They had in gas-- gas stations-- pizza.
Pizza used to be special.
Pizza used to have some pride.
I remember the first time I saw pizza at a gas station.
It was like seeing your best friend's sister
in a porno movie or something.
"Oh, Pizza. What have you done?
Pizza, you're better than this.
Let's go home, pizza."
I'm divorced.
Yeah, anyone else?
[silence]
Okay.
For those of you who don't know what divorce is,
it's when the person who loves you
more than anything in the whole world...
reconsiders.
I was only married three years.
That's not very long, huh? It didn't really take.
Three years. We were supposed to be together
till one of us die.
I never even had a fever.
Sometimes you'll meet people who will pull it off,
you know, 30 years. I have sisters
who've been married almost 30 years.
I've asked her before, "How do you do it? 30 years.
You make it work. You're still happy. How do you do it?"
And they'll go, "You gotta do this, this, and this.
And I'll be like, "Well, I'm not gonna do any of that.
[sighs heavily]
I thought you had a trick.
That does me no good."
Yeah.
My younger sister says, "You're gonna die alone."
That's what she said the other day, "You're gonna die alone.
Don't you ever think about that?"
"Well, not until now."
She's worried about me.
I don't wanna make it sound so awful, but she's worried.
She says, "You're gonna die alone."
I'm like, "That's all right. It's not a big deal."
I'm gonna be wearing a robe and...
It's not gonna be that attractive anyway so.
Besides, I'll have saved a bunch of money,
you know, from not having kids
and I could pay people for standing around my bedside.
Yeah, I'll dress 'em up like famous people...
Batman, the pope, Godzilla.
And as I'll be dying, I'll be so hopped up on drugs,
I won't know any different. "Oh, thank you for coming."
But it's not fun being single.
You know, I go everywhere by myself. I'm on the road.
I go out to dinner by myself. That looks bad.
I don't know. I think a woman
can go to restaurants, sit down by yourself
and it looks okay, but, uh,
I don't know, a guy walking into a restaurant,
sits down by himself.
I don't think anyone thinks, "There's an independent spirit.
I'm sure he's a fine gentleman."
That's why I don't go to as many places.
I'm not a club guy anymore. I don't go to clubs.
I'm not gonna go to clubs.
You see me in a club, you don't think, partier.
You think, concerned dad searching for his daughter.
"Have you seen this girl?"
I wish I had a cool reason to be single.
That'd be nice.
Like I was a grizzled cop who was married to the job.
"Yeah."
Or I was a bad boy who couldn't be tied down.
But I just don't get along with people.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
My sister says, "Don't give up, though."
That's her big thing, "Don't give up."
I'm not giving up.
I wanna be in a relationship. I've been single.
I think relationships are better.
Relationships are where you grow and change.
I mean, you could change as a single person.
It's just easier when you have someone right there going, "Change.
Don't give up.
You can do it." "You can meet someone at any time."
That's what she said, "You can meet someone at any time."
You can meet the love of your life at 70.
Ooh, I hope that's what happens.
The love of my life at 70.
That's like getting an iPhone 4...now.
Sure it works but who gives a shit?
I don't know. You know what I really want?
I think I just wanna be at the beginning of the relationship.
That's the best part.
The beginning.
Right?
So much hope.
It's like a gym membership.
It's gonna be different this time.
I'm gonna do all the exercises.
You know why the beginning of the relationship is so good?
'Cause you don't know the other person.
You only know a little bit about them.
It's the beginning of the relationship.
And they're only showing you the good stuff.
That's right. In the beginning of the relationship
is the movie trailer to the relationship you're gonna have.
Yeah. And like a movie trailer,
the other person is trying to trick you.
They're trying to sell you
on some sexy action comedy.
Yeah.
"Our relationship is gonna be a sex--" "No."
Relationships are not sexy action comedies.
They're short porno films
followed by a long PBS documentary.
Yeah. That's what it is.
'Cause sometimes the sex slows down.
I mean, inevitably, it's going to.
It just happens. It's not a big deal. It's just natural.
But it's jarring,
when that happens in a relationship when you,
you know, you have a lot of sex and then...
[snaps fingers] Nothing.
Everyone gets scared. It's like if you every time
you saw somebody, they gave you a nice piece of cake.
Every single time you see them, a piece of cake.
Day after day, week after week, month after month,
cake, cake, cake cake, cake.
Then you show up one day...
No cake.
You're like, "Whoa.
Where's the cake?
Didn't feel like cake today.
Hmm.
[clears throat] Will there be cake tomorrow?"
I'm not into the cake thing.
The cake thing.
Yeah, so anyway it's a...
It's an adjustment.
Sex is nice though.
Right?
- [cheering] - Okay, yeah.
I mean, that's kind of a rhetorical,
but...
Sex is the best of both worlds
'cause it's active, it's exercise,
but there's also pillows around.
It's kind of like kindergarten.
You're doing an activity, now you're napping.
"I want a juice box."
I act had sex once and the woman asked me to talk dirty.
That was interesting.
I'm not a big dirty talker.
I mean, I know how to talk dirty.
Fuck. Shit. Pussy. Cock.
But you gotta put it in some kind of order.
If I say anything in bed, I say, "Do you like that?"
That's what I say, "Do you like that?"
It's like a creepy survey.
"Do you like that? How about that?"
I think if you do talk in bed though, you do use that voice.
You may not use those words,
but you do have some version of that voice, right?
"You like that?" Something like that.
Some jazzy kind of baritone thing.
I mean, you have to change your voice in bed.
You can't use your normal voice.
You can't go, [high-pitched] "Do you like that?
So what I'm doing there,
does that feel pretty good there?
I'm really focusing on the nipples right now.
All right, I'm gonna wrap it up here in a second,
and, uh, well, we'll talk later.
Thank you very much. You guys have been very nice.
Thank you. Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.