Matthew!
Hey!!!
Where are you?
Matthew!!
Stupid.
Matthew! Are you gonna fuck me or what?
On it. On it like a bonnet.
On it like a bonnet - alright, fight club,
what the hell is going on here? - I'm a guest!
Unless someone signed you into the building,
you are not a guest. Alright? Please.
- Man, I miss my friend. - Don't take that tack with me.
My friend lives here.
Please don't put me in this position.
Why are you doing this?
I'm going to have to call the campus police.
Jordan, she's my guest. - She's your guest?
- Yes. She's-- Hey Stephanie! - Yeah.
Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you.
Stephanie... Sanders.
- Stephanie Sanders. Right here.
Just take care of her, okay?
Oh yeah, I got this. This is all taken care of.
You don't have to worry about that.
- Thank you. - Thanks, man.
- Thank you. - Sorry.
- Oh, rock-and-roll. - What?
- I said Rock and roll. - Oh...
Alright, this is us.
Us... You're funny.
Nice porn.
Yeah. Ha.
Nice panties.
Who are you?
I'm Jake.
Lainey.
That's a nickname they give people named Elaine.
Elaine's a great name. It's like Elaaaine!
Elaaaine!
Hey, if you ever even mention The Graduate again,
I will slit your throat.
Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up.
Welcome to my Thursday night.
You ehm...
You wanna watch porn and smoke drugs?
This sucks.
You know what I was gonna do tonight?
Judging from your outfit I'd say scale a mountain?
Lose my virginity.
Hold on a second... You were going to lose your virginity to
Matthew Sobvechik in 11B at Ween Dormitory?
He's the TA in my pre-med bio class.
I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him.
We fool around after he teaches me things I already know.
Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag such a
delightfully unhinged hottie, by being the most boring
fucking guy on this entire floor is beyond me.
Well, I'm in love with him.
Come on, there's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik,
the Pontiac Aztec of people.
Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik is basically
the same thing as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian
outback that he's about to listen to the Beatles for the
first time - and then I play Blues Traveler.
That's a cruel joke for I will have just tricked him into
thinking Blues Traveler is the greatest band of all time.
Okay, now if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik you will
be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life.
And that barely covered vagina of yours deserves better than
that. It doesn't deserve John Popper,
it deserves John Lennon. Okay? You understand me?
I'm talking about, like, the White Album. Not Hook.
Tell me what sex is like?
- Oh my god, you have got a one track mind.
- Fuck you. Enlighten me.
You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh?
- Tell me. - Okay.
You better be ready.
- You ready? - Yes.
Sex is like...
kissing with your entire body.
Very sensual experience. It's like shooting heroin
in a controlled yet moist environment. You know?
You know what it's like - it's like Times Square at night.
I mean just the right tinge of danger.
Oh my god.
What?
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah.
So I haven't technically...
- actually... really done it yet...
Why are you laughing at me? That's not--
But you're so old!
Fuck you! I didn't call you an old virgin!
I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute.
Why are you giving me shit? You can't get the
most boring dude in our dorm to sleep with you.
You know, that's ridiculous. You're the one who should be--
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset I was just joking around with you.
I thought we were joking around. So I was joking.
This was all very romantic and then you just fucked it up.
It was?
I'm so sweaty all of a sudden.
You're incredible.
You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day.
Hey!
Hey, Hannah! Hannah!
Leave me alone!
- Come on, I can do this all the way to Brooklyn--
Whoa easy. Easy... Easy...
Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style!
Thank god you stopped. Okay? Please. Please
- You're disgusting! - Okay, maybe you're right.
You might be right. - How could you fuck her, Jake?
I- Look- Oww!!
- How could you even kiss me after you fucked her!
What are we doing in the middle of the street?
- Because I hope we fucking die! - Please, come on.
Let's get off the street, okay?
Okay, look, look, look, look, look. Hey, hey, hey...
I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay.
And Lord knows I could use the exercise, but I do believe
there are exactly three points we should discuss. Okay?
First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity,
I distinctly recall you saying something about staying casual.
Yeah? - I only said that--
Most likely because you thought that was what I wanted
to hear. Yes? - Yes!
- Okay. Well... Me taking you at your word doesn't make me
an asshole. It does however make you a liar.
You're such a piece of sh-- - Hey second second point. Okay?
If you really, actually wanted monogamy,
why have casual sex with me for three months?
I mean, if you want to grow flowers,
you don't plant them in a closet. So either you're stupid
or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either.
You fucked my best friend!
Which brings me to my third and final point. Your chief
complaint is not that I screwed someone; it is who I screwed.
That's what it's about, right?
So much like the counter-intuitive plan to
secure an exclusive relationship with a guy that
you don't actually want to date - moi,
your issue with me and Sarah-- - Do not say her name!
- Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity,
not to mention a culturally infused female competition.
My heart goes out to you ladies. Baby. You're a bad liar.
You're not stupid.
And she can't hold a candle to you.
Can we please go home?
Please?
You know, get out of these wet clothes.
Dry each other off using friction.
Yeah?
- Yeah. - Good,
You got a girlfriend, Charles?
No.
Playing the field, huh?
Be careful, you know.
Why?
I don't know if I have time to answer that.
Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks.
Um, what were we talking about?
So I said to Jack- I said Jack, Lainey and I,
we're looking to buy. Maybe have a kid.
I hope it's okay that I said that by the way.
I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you?
Because I know you don't want to get married, but you know,
I do think it's important to make some sort of commitment to
each other and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington,
maybe Prospect Heights.
What's up little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook?
Sam. I have to read you something.
You've been writing again?
- Sweetie, that's great! - No... I was never writing.
- Honey, yes! - It was one short story...
- Yes, that is great! No, listen. Listen.
I want to tell you something; look at me. Look at me, okay.
I know you love teaching, but that's not a real thing.
I mean, this is great.
- Can you just please not interrupt me while I read this,
please. Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it.
- I don't think interrupt you, but go on.
- Don't. - I don't.
- Please don't interrupt. - I would love to hear it.
- Okay, mister. - Wow me.
- Sam-- - Lainey.
My therapist suggested I attend a twelve step program,
for recovery from a love addiction and romantic obsession
- I'm sorry um, hello... Did you say love addiction?
and romantic obsession...
- Sweetie, you might as well face it,
you're addicted to love. Huey Lewis.
- No, it's Robert Palmer. ...that I've had for the last
ten years. As a result I have been able to stay faithful to
you -for the past six months- - Okay, let me just stop you
because... I feel like--
- Sam, I'm trying to tell you something.
I know.
I would love to hear what you're telling me.
Can you listen to what I'm saying to you?
- I'm trying to-- Yeah, I'm listening.
I want to move forward in our relationship in an honest way.
I know it. being honest-
honest, critical appraisal is the foundation--
Sam, I cheated on you.
You cheated on me?
Baby...
how many times?
Sixteen...
I don't even know sixteen guys. Sixteen guys?
No, the same guy. Sixteen times.
- Who? - It doesn't matter who.
- Tell me who. My brother? - No.
- Was it my brother? - No.
Was it my brother?
Stop! You know I'm not interested in your brother.
Who's so fucking hot? How is better than my brother!
- I'm not going to tell you. - I deserve to know.
- No. - I deserve to know.
I've been getting his second fucking servings.
I've been tasting his sweat. Whose juices have I tasted?
Gross...
- If I've been drinking his juices I want to know who it is.
- I'm not going to involve him in this and make
this worse for everyone.
You involved my brother when you fucked him sixteen times!
Who can tell what that fucking swarthy man...
What? Get out of here! Get out of here! Please!
Why did you have to do this in public,
were you trying to humiliate me? Look it! Look it!
He's looking! I'm embarrassed. You won! I'm humiliated.
I was sacred that you would freak out.
Yeah, well you thought right.
Get ready for a classic Sam freak out!
Sam, wait. I'm sorry. Please...
I'm sorry...
I want to make this work. I'm trying to get better.
You can't get better, Lainey...
You're not an addict, okay.
You're just a whore.
You're a whore.
You're a fucking whore.
Before I did this program, I thought love was a feeling.
But that's bullshit. It's not a feeling,
it's a decision. Like everything else.
And I now see that when I was in my addiction I made the decision
over and over again to choose sex over my self-worth.
And it doesn't mean that I don't like sex now,
it doesn't mean that I'm not a sexual person. Gail.
I don't need to trolling online, looking for women to go down on.
I don't need to fuck eight guys in one night!
I don't deny what I've done. I embrace my past.
Yes, I did once call one of my neighbors in the middle
of the day when he was at work and said grab some condoms
and meet me at that delicious soft pretzel place.
Who cares? I did let someone put a protein bar
up my ass once. Big deal.
I did hack into my supermarket's Instagram account and posted a
picture of my asshole and say there was a sale on asshole.
And then said come and lick my asshole if you're bald.
Of all the gin joints...
No way.
- Jake! - Yes.
Oh my god. Were you just in that meeting?
Oh yeah. sure was. Uh -huh. I had to get out
of there though. It was making me super horny.
Wow, it's been what-twelve years?
I think it might actually be longer, yeah.
You look good.
- So do you. - Thank you.
Wow... the old virgin.
Don't you mean the one that got away?
Stop...
No, the last thing I remember we had that awesome night
together and you just sort of...
Disappeared.
Plus you were all hung on that guy that lived next door to me
the boring guy, Marcus-- - Matthew.
- That's right. I hear he's a lady doctor now.
- Oh? - Yeah.
Do you ever see him around, I assume at doctor things?
- Aren't you a doctor now? - Oh, I didn't do that.
I didn't end up going to med school.
I teach now. Kids.
- Cool. Great. - Kindergarten.
- Alright. - You? What do you?
A buddy and I created this CDN an we're selling it to
a digital media provider and - you're bored already?
- No. - You just asked me.
I know. I'm sorry. I have to--
Respond to that booty text I assume, right?
Aw come on, Lainey.
I was watching you in there.
I saw you checking your phone every five minutes.
All that tension in your shoulders.
Legs crossed. Playing with your hair.
- Why are you here? - Hmm...
To pick up women?
No, no. Heavens no. No not women. No.
Just you, evidently.
I'll see you around. Hopefully not here.
Yeah.
Hey. I'm on Facebook.
...what a weird thing to say out loud.
- I have one last question-- Come on. Come on.
When I sign this, what happens to everything that Xander
and I worked on. All the content we created.
We dissolve all past and current product.
And you'll work exclusively for us.
Yeah. Right? Time to settle down.
But what if we have--
No! I will straight up murder you if you do not
sign this immediately.
Xander, I'm looking out for us.
You're looking out for us? No. I'm looking out for us.
- You're being a dick. - Here's the thing, guys.
I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do.
So if you want to reopen the terms of the contract that's
fine, I'm just going to go grab some lunch.
Alright. Alright. Alright.
Okay.
You don't have to go for lunch yet.
Okay--
Congrats, boys. You have officially sold out.
Fuck yes! Oh my god!
I really thought you were going to fuck this up.
- Me too. - I really did.
He fucks everything in life up.
I have two beautiful children, both are gonna
have ridiculously terrible teeth; so you're getting braces,
you're getting braces, you're getting braces!
Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with?
Dinner maybe?
How about brunch with my folks, you'll love them.
You're smart, handsome and now have stocks vesting until 2018,
you can go get any woman you want.
Really? But I would still choose you.
Why? Because I happened to be in your eye-line?
Possibly because you're uninterested.
Most likely because you're stunning and successful.
- I'm divorced. - His loss.
I have a kid.
I love kids. Kids love me. I basically am a kid.
And I don't sleep with my employees.
- I quit! - Goodbye, Jacob.
Congrats. - Thanks.
- Huh. - What?
Paula's something else, huh?
Yeah. She really is.
She was vibing me pretty hard in that meeting.
Well you're a married man.
Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her.
Because I didn't want her to embarrass herself.
Yeah, that's good. let her down easy.
Yeah.
Elaine? Elaine Dalton?
Yes, um... Sorry. It's Lainey.
Only my father calls me Elaine.
Doctor Sobvechik will see you now.
You didn't have to make an appointment.
This used to be our move. Me pretending to be a patient.
You look great.
It's been a while.
I get worried when you disappear.
Me too.
It's really good to see you. What do you want to talk about?
- I can't see you anymore. - I agree.
Yeah, I think...
we need to be over.
I asked Emma to marry me.
She kept bringing it up.
I thought it was the right thing to do.
You and Emma got back together.
Yes. Did I not tell you that?
How's Sam?
He's...
fine.
Good.
I'm glad we ended it face-to-face.
You were right to come.
Will you do me a favor?
Will you erase your number from my phone?
I won't be able to do it.
Is this what you want, Elaine?
Yes. I want it all the time. It's all I think about.
Good afternoon. Doctor Sobvechik's office.
I'm sorry, the Doctor's unavailable at the moment.
He's getting married.
Who would marry him? Did she consent?
Is she in a coma? I mean, who is this person?
Where do you find her? Some sort of like, website for people
who want to have a horrible, painful life...
I think I need to stop having sex altogether for a while.
No, alright. The problem isn't sex.
The problem is Captain Amazing has monopolized your vag for
like a decade and now you're a pod person.
But maybe if I don't have any sex...
And become sexually anorexic? No.
What? Is that a real thing?
Yeah, of course it's a real thing. Sexual anorexia.
It's like depriving yourself of sex because of low self-esteem,
or abuse or other gnarly shit. - That's great.
That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing.
It's like enough with this shit. It's over, Jack.
It's like enough! I mean, you can do so much better.
I don't care if it's a woman or if it's somebody else,
just anything but the schmuck.
I feel like people are looking at us.
The guy I lost my virginity to was at my sex addicts meeting.
What do you think that means?
It's a sign. You should fuck that guy. A lot.
I don't think everyone should just be running around fucking
willy-nilly, Okay, in your specific case I do think you
should fuck that sex addict.
♪ One look in the mirror and I know the party's over. ♪
You have lipstick on your teeth.
Thank you.
This is my wife! This is Blainey.
Lainey. Lainey - with an L. What's wrong with you.
Bring it in here. Never make it end.
This is Lainey! Lainey, Naomi.
This is my wife!
Shots. I'm getting everybody shots. Shots for all round.
We're going to keep it going.
Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now.
Okay, stop screaming that.
- Rich as shit! - I'm telling you,
someone's gonna murder us if you keep screaming--
- I don't care. We're in a cool bar. I just bought a Tesla!
That's not true.
We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it.
Listen, are you guys...
are you guys sleeping with each other?
- No! - Oh good. Oh my god, good.
What are you guys talking about?
I'm telling her not to have sex with you!
Oh, well you're too late!
Because we lost our virginity to each other!
- Are you serious. - You didn't know!
Yeah, I told him earlier.
- We all knew. - You didn't know!
- That's a beautiful story. - Yeah.
- True romantic. - Right!
Here we go. Bring it in. To virginity!
- To virginity! - Get lost.
- I just gonna go outside for a--
- Naomi still has her anal virginity.
That's not true.
A lot of guys have been up there, just not you.
Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl -
- Lainey, her name's Lainey. - Lainey, sorry.
Quick question before you walk out the door,
are you the reason that my friend Jake here is the biggest
slut in the world?
- What are you doing? - I'm saying, like,
he puts his dick in like every sticky hole he finds.
- That's not true. - It gross.
- Xander! - But like I'm jels.
Come on.
- No, I'm just kidding. - I don't know.
I don't know. - I'm just kidding.
I know it's not you. I know it's not you.
I know it's because his dad molested him.
- What? - What?
- Now everybody knows! - He was a boy scout leader.
Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome.
- How am I welcome? - I just set that up for you!
Where is she going?
- Yeah, don't let her get away, man.
Dude, you have to chase after her.
- I know. - She's a lobster, man.
- Okay. Alright. - She seems...
amazing. - Awesome!
Hey, Lainey. Where are you going?
Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I want to thank you for tonight. It was great.
Just go in and have fun with your friends.
I just-I FaceBooked you because it thought I should
start dating again, I'm trying to get over this guy--
Was this supposed to be a date?
Oh shit, it was...
Oh hell. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, I'm a dick.
I'm sorry, I didn't know. I--
Hey, how about we go on a date.
This is a date now. - We'll go out--
- Oh, now it's-- - Yeah, it's a date.
Let's go on a date. This is good.
I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my jacket then I'll come out and
we'll date it up.
Matthew Sobvechik? The guy had all the charm
of a broken Etch-a-Sketch.
- It feels so freeing to tell someone about it
who actually knows him.
Okay, you're going to have to explain this to me.
I mean, is he packing? Huh? Is that what's going on?
Does it tip in hundreds?
Read you the Polar Express before bedtime?
You know, it's pretty average actually.
Ah, goddammit! Even his junk is boring.
God damn boring dick!
That's so weird, and you're a catch! It's true.
You know, I'm serious. You've got a strong vocabulary.
You look dynamite in a tank top. It's just - what gives?
I guess...
I guess, I just thought eventually he'd choose me.
And so I always chose him.
If he texted I'd think of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd--
That's psychotic.
Thanks.
Well, I mean it's not your fault.
You know, little girls are told someday they'll find The One.
What they don't tell you guys is that The One might be a complete
fucking dickhead with a boring heroin penis that turns you all
into a sex addict. That's what they--
- I'm not a sex addict. - Oh yeah. Yeah. Me neither.
- I went to a few meetings because my therapist suggested
that I go, that it might help. But it didn't, so I stopped.
- Okay. - What's your excuse?
- Me? - Yeah.
My girlfriend said if I didn't go she'd break up with me.
So I went to a meeting. She broke up with me anyway.
I'm cured.
Well why did she want you to go?
She... some have suggested that I have a little bit of
a problem staying faithful...
for long periods of time... or possibly at all. I guess.
And it all comes out.
Look, once I come to the realization that I'm with-
the wrong girl, I don't know how to end it.
So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people.
Yes. Exactly, yeah.
Obviously they get upset, but then comes the big old
rigmarole of like 'you're afraid to commit' and it's like
'no, I just don't want to commit to you.'
But I can't say that, because that's like mean on top of mean.
So it's no, no, no. It's not you, it's me.
I don't like you.
You know, like that. - Yeah, that's harsh.
That's harsh, right. You can't say that.
So instead I'd rather just say something like:
'I fucked your sister.' - Much better.
Well, it's honest.
You have to fuck the sister in order for it to work.
It's like I'd rather -
Be the bad guy than tell the truth.
See. You get it.
Yeah. But I'm psychotic.
But like an approachable psychotic.
That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier.
- You like it? - Yeah, it's Like Ted Bundy.
You can't get into a van by just being a jerk.
You've got to have a certain way about you.
...appetites?
- That would be - That would be something.
- Yes, yes, yes. - I'm hungry again.
Already?
You know, that's Dim Sum for you.
I have snacks at home. I have--
This is actually - this is my train.
What here? Oh yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Alright.
- So I'm probably going to hit the road.
- Yeah. - Jake, thank you.
We did it. This was a good date.
We did the date.
- I think it was the first I think it might have been the
first date I've ever been on so I don't really have much to
compare it to, but it seemed solid.
Good. Okay.
Shit...
What?
I- I want to fuck you.
- What? That's so-- - I know...
- No! - What do you mean no?
What did I do? Stop wanting to!
It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you.
I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable and it's just
like you might as well be wearing a sign that says:
Solve my problems with your penis!
Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about how we
screw up every sexual relationship we've ever have.
I know, right. And yet here I am, wanting...
So maybe we gotta just be friends.
Yes. That is the mature, responsible thing
to do for each other and ourselves, yes I agree.
Okay, but we've got to come up with a system,
if we're gonna be friends, and I want to be good friends--
It's fair. So maybe we come up with a safe word for if we're
having sexual tension and then we'll stop whatever--
If you're doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy.
- Feeling attracted. - It's mutual?
So it is mutual? You're saying it's mutual?
- It could be mutual. - That's a yes.
I may or may not have to use the word. We'll have to see.
Okay, alright. Well say it for me.
- Yeah. Anything. I'll do anything. You pick it, and yes.
- It's Avocado. - No. Can't do that.
No. It's an immediate veto?
I mean, it's too sexual. It's too sexual.
- Avocado is too sexual? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you've got to see the way I eat an avocado
and you'll be like that's you know, do that to me.
Guam.
- Guam, like the country Guam? No! No.
I knew a girl whose father was from Guam and she literally had
one of the best natural bodies I've ever seen in my life.
Noodle salad.
Noodle salad? that's a sex thing.
What?
That's a bunch of guys putting flaccid dicks into
someone's mouth. That is called a noddle salad.
That is not a thing.
I mean it absolutely is a thing.
I know it's a thing. Go to noodlesalad.org
Now I feel like you're just trying to find problems.
I would make the argument that you are just suggesting only
things that can only be perceived as sexual.
- Okay, so it needs to be more violent.
- Yeah. - Dick in a Mousetrap!
- Yikes! What is that? - Oh!
- That's awful! You don't like it?
- No! - That's the one.
- What? - We'll shorten it to Mousetrap.
- Thank you. Goodbye. - Mousetrap? Alright. Goodbye.
- I'm going. I'm going for it. - Yeah. Live on the edge.
- Goodnight. Careful. Bye.
Bye. - Bye.
♪ Your face will surely show it,
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! ♪
Yay!
Good singing. Good. Alright, free play. Everybody play.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Lyle, no, no, no, no.
Alexander had the ball first.
Why did you take it from him?
Hey, no. You've got to use your words. We don't do that.
- One of my students reminds me of you.
He's devastatingly handsome?
He reminds me of us.
He has no one to play with and gets angry.
So nobody wants to play with him cuz he's angry all the time.
No dates, huh?
- Haven't met anyone. I've been busy.
Studying for the MCATs, you know. You?
Nothing. Nada.
Have you texted Voldemort?
Trying to distract myself.
Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something.
Oof, mousetrap.
You should text me what you want to text him.
I miss your cock in my mouth.
I miss the way you feel on top of me.
I miss making you cum.
- Whoa, since when are you a porn star with killer grammar?
That's how I text with him.
- Okay, well you're sending porn star
vibes instead of Lainey vibes.
- You're one to talk. You're a completely different
guy with me than with other ladies.
That's not true.
- If you want someone to fall for you, you gotta be you.
- Yeah, I don't think I like me enough to introduce
him to other people.
Night.
That was fun.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
He looked so normal.
Like he hadn't even noticed we stopped sleeping together.
No, no. He noticed.
He's just not thinking about it the same way.
Right. Right, great. I'm a guilty slut and he gets
to be a heartless alpha male who fucking jogs!
No! That's not it at all. To Sobvechik,
you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party.
In a second he has to make a decision;
do I go home now or cancel everything tomorrow.
You know, no pre-meditation means no post-meditation.
It's not like months from now he's thinking, oh gosh,
I wonder how crack is doing?
Or I hope cocaine isn't mad at me!
You know. No dude thinks like that. Except Aaron Sorkin.
Are you saying I'm crack cocaine?
Yeah. Don't sell yourself short.
We wouldn't have The West Wing without you.
What is wrong with me?
- Nothing's wrong with you. Are you kidding me? You're great.
I mean you're funny, you're sexy, you're cool,
like... Oh... -
What? You run out of compliments?
Yeah. No. Do you remember that girl, Renee?
- Had a spectacular time with you last night.
I'm at lunch.
Just tried calling you.
Have you ever thought about taking a road trip?
At least respond so I know you're alive and okay.
GIF of a panda dancing!
Seriously - are you okay?
I was on the subway, did you text me?
Fuck me then ignore me... Nice one, Jake!
Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi!
I have chlamydia...
Okay, I was joking!!!
I do have HPV though... and I hope it's the one
that gives you dick cancer. Emoji of a heart. xxx Renee.
Well, that's sort of normal.
You actively stalked someone today, your perception of
normal might be a little skewed, my dear.
Okay, you slept with her. Rocked her face.
Yes. With my body.
You didn't call her.
I lost my phone in a cab.
And you unleashed her Khaleesi.
Wait. You mean like Game of Thrones Khaleesi?
Yes. Either A) we make multiple babies with you or
B) we cut your dick off.
Jesus...
I've got my fingers crossed out here for an option C.
C) You appease her.
And how do you appease your Khaleesi?
I spend about a month's rent on this.
What do you think?
Yeah, I mean you should definitely wear stuff over it.
Nice neg. Mousetrap.
Hey, you've reached Lainey. Leave a message.
Hey dude, It's me. I haven't heard from you in a
while so I'm gonna guess you either finally fucked Jake
or you got into med school.
Either way, mazel tov. Happy Hannukah or whatever the---
Just pick a TV and we can get out of here.
So tell me what happened.
Oh right. Okay, so I've been seeing this gal Thea, alright.
She's black. And-- - Wait. Stop!
Does this story end with you doing something super racist?
Oh my god. No!
Why are you telling me she's black?
I don't know. I--
I'm just trying to give you a mental picture, that's all.
Okay. Racist. Keep going.
Okay. Well, we go see a movie. During the day.
And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous but I do what
we talked about: I do not sleep with her.
You're so strong. I'm so proud.
Hey. Not all of us can remain celibate for a year, alright.
I'm just waiting for the right guy.
The white guy? Whose racist now...
- The right guy. - Oh, the right guy.
Oh, the one you waited for for ten year.
That right guy? You know, he's married now - that one?
What're we doing in this aisle?
Can I finish my story please?
I wait four days and then I call her and we go out again.
Alright? No sex.
I mean, we hook up but I don't, like, finger her or anything.
Awesome.
So I call her last night, and I'm like:
Hey, do you want to go see the new Wes Anderson movie?
- Ugh. - What? And then she's like:
Jake. What are you doing?
- And I'm like, Oh of course. Wes Anderson is such a
stupid white guy thing to do suggest, you know.
Okay, racist. And also dumb. Yes.
Do you two need any help?
No, we're good. She just takes a while to make a decision.
- I do. - Yeah, you got it.
And so I'm like well do you want to go see something else?
And then she says:
- Why haven't we had sex yet? Do you just want to be friends?
Because honestly, I have enough friends.
Where are you right now?
That was awesome.
Oh my god...
Oh golly...
Sorry if I was too noisy, but that was like--
I don't know what got into me. Hey...
Did you...
- No. - Oh.
But don't take it personally.
I don't orgasm during sex that much.
So? Lots of women don't cum during sex.
So? No, no, no. That has never happened to me before!
What positions did you do?
- No. We did everything. What's your favorite position?
- I don't know. The regular one?
The regular-come on.
From behind.
- Exactly. Because you hate your dad.
Oh my god. Mousetrap!
All set. And can I just say
we think you two are the coolest married couple ever.
- That's-we don't get that enough.
- So sweet. - Thank you.
- That's really sweet. - Happy holidays.
- Let's go, hon. - Happy holidays, yes.
I will just meet you out by our minivan.
- I'll meet you out front. - Okay, great.
I'll have to move the car seat and then there
will be plenty of room.
Car seat? Are we going to have a kid?
It's just like- when do you orgasm?
When does it happen to you? - When I'm with Matthew.
- Yeah, okay. - That's it.
That's it!
Okay, well that just explained everything.
That's-you haven't had an orgasm in a year?
Come on, that's bullshit. Not even when you masturbate?
Lainey, you've got to be kidding me!
You don't mast-- Why not?
What-I don't know. I've tried to! I try.
I just, I don't know, I - I get bored.
Bored? How's that boring?
- I feel good when I'm with Matthew.
I don't know. I don't know how to recreate that for myself.
Well fuck the TV, I'm going to teach you
how to finger yourself today. Right now, okay.
- What? - It's go time.
Sister. Alright? Let's go. Alright.
- Okay... - No, no. This is a good thing.
It's about time. Get it out. Okay...
For the purposes of today's tutorial your vagina will be
played by this former bottle of green tea.
- Looks just like it. - Okay. Good to know.
So, here's what we do. First thing you do is you take this
guy, this index finger
and you're just going to slide it in there like that, okay.
And you're going to curve it up a little bit and I want you to
tap the roof like that.
You see that - that's your G Spot - alright, you got that?
Yeah. I'll check it out.
- Alright, now next move, you're going to take the middle finger
here, you know, the bad boy right you're gonna pop that in
as well and then you're gonna have that one tapping the roof
and then this one - the middle finger - is going to be sort of
circling this sort of fleshy gap area.
My cervix? Jesus.
Yeah, sure. You know what it's called. Wonderful. Good for you.
Okay yes, so you're going to go after the cervix here.
So you're going to mind the gap, right. And tap the roof.
Mind the gap. Tap the roof.
- You got it. And at this point you want to start thinking
about something arousing. You know, like maybe you want to
think about the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps.
Gross.
Okay, and then you're going to start to get wet.
You're going to start to get wet and then you're going to start
to feel some contractions in your vagina.
At that point you're going to want to squeeze your vagina
harder than it wants to go, okay.
- And that's called-- - Kegeling.
Well it's pronounced kee -gul -ing, but it doesn't matter.
Uh, I got into medical school!
I think I know how it's pronounced.
What - you did? You didn't tell me that.
Oh yeah. I got in. Michigan.
Wow...
Lane, that's great... Alright.
I mean, are you gonna go? What are you thinking?
Well I mean I have until the end of the summer to decide. So...
- Keep going! - Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, um...
Okay, so do you know what a dirty DJ is?
- No. - You don't? Okay, great.
Okay, so the biggest misconception that guys have
about the clitoris, if they can find it,
is that they're too nice to it. Okay, that's the problem. I
mean the trick is to be a little rude to the clitoris, okay.
Oh really?
Yeah. Go to town on this little motherfucker right here.
You just-you just you know, so that's the dirty DJ -
it's like you're scratching a record.
Let-let-let the drummer
Let-let-let the drummer get wicked right?
And you just really want to work that little bugger.
You know, remember like the old IBM Thinkpads?
And that little nub. Right? Okay, so you just really
go after it like that - just like this.
So you have that - that's phase three.
So again - yeah, perfect. Natural...
So tap the roof. Mind the gap.
Oh, see. Okay, yeah.
Work all three. Look at that.
It's like you're doing oh boy, oh boy...
I feel like Anne Sullivan teaching Helen Keller about
water right now. That is amazing. What a breakthrough!
- Like that? - Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, just take a night, crack open a bottle of rose and just
have multiple orgasms. If you want...
I-- Primatologists actually believed that-that women
evolved this way so that--
they could mate with as many men in one session as possible.
Fucking awesome...
That's neat.
Multiple orgasms for multiple partners.
Gang bangs. And such.
Yeah...
- I'm gonna go home. - Yeah. Me too.
- No, no. You live here. - Yes I do!
- Okay now... - Bye!
- Bye now. - Thank you.
Yeah yeah yeah.
I think it's a little bit weird that a
straight dude had to tell you all that.
- I think it's sort of great. I mean, he's actually dating.
He's not cheating. And I hardly think about Matthew. Like ever.
Yeah. Because you're in a relationship with each other.
No we're not.
You're not out there!
This guy Jake is taking up emotional real estate that
could be occupied by a real option, okay.
You leased the that space out to Matthew,
rent free I might add, and now you've replaced him with
another unavailable avoidant breeder you don't fuck.
Like where's the fucking in all this?
Hey babe. Sorry I'm late.
Look at this little baby face. It's beautiful.
Very sick in the head though. Very sick in the head.
How's your fake boyfriend?
Oh my god! We're just friends!
Men and women can't be friends. It's like life 101.
- Stop lying to yourself. - Come one! That's bullshit.
It's the 21st century. We know that's not true.
You and I are friends.
Sex doesn't get in the way of our friendship.
I'm not attracted to you. And I have zero penises.
I am.
Hi, George. Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend.
I like bad girls with Daddy issues.
- She's twenty-two, she'll fuck anyone.
Wait. I'm sorry, no.
Serious, she's probably fucked everyone in here
but I don't even care.
You got a minute?
Not really. I'm kind of in the middle of something.
I was thinking...
Oh yeah?
Do you wanna come to Henry's birthday party this weekend?
Really? - Yep.
Xander, in the eight years I've known you as a father
you have never once invited me to any function
involving your children.
Hear me out. I was thinking... Maybe you and Lainey--
Ah, I knew it! No.
See, Lainey and I are not dating.
I know that. I'm not saying you have to date her,
I'm not saying you have to come as a couple.
I'm just saying arrive at the party together.
Come as friends - or whatever fucked up thing you guys have--
- We're best friends. - No, we're best friends!
- That's not true. - What?
Look, she's my best friend and I would say by circumstance and
certainly duration, you would be my next best friend.
You know what, I'll even allow that.
You're my last single friend, I can't have you mingling--
- Hey. - Yes?
We have a meeting with group sales in twenty.
Are you two prepared? Huh? Not at all.
Should I reschedule the meeting for when you are ready?
Five or six months from now? - I would make it a cool seven.
- Yeah, seven at least. - Shit, I'm not available then.
Oh well, I tried. See you in twenty?
You got it, boss.
- Mousetrap... - What the fuck is that?
That was repartee.
- That's exactly why I can't have you at the party.
Because you have repartee with everybody.
You love repartee. All you want to do is flit around the party,
flirt with the moms.
And then they all get mad, and then they turn on each other.
Then they yell at Naomi, then Naomi yells at me.
Then they won't let their kids play with me kids.
Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends.
I'm raising friendless children because of you.
Do you understand?
It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation.
- A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps.
We'll you've spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up.
- So bring Lainey to the party. - Okay. Fine.
I will, on behalf of your children - and Naomi,
I will talk to Lainey and see what we can do.
Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date.
I'm just saying, for the first time, I'm a little bit
optimistic you might not become that creepy guy.
But he's got a point. I'm going to be the creepy old dude!
Like, that sucks. And then what happens when my dick doesn't
get as hard as it used to, okay. Because that's going to happen.
It's going to happen, it's inevitable.
And young chicks don't put up with that shit,
they have no time for that. And older women are going to be
nowhere near into my nonsense. Okay? Just not into it at all.
It's at that point, what do I do?
I just buy the fedora and move to Miami, right?
Make a golf cart my own mode of transportation.
- I've never seen you like this. - I can't believe it...
- You're spinning. You're spinning, and honestly...
- get lucky and happy... - Honest you sound like a woman.
- ...bachelor parties at people third marriages...
Like that's- what is that? That's crazy.
It's him.
Him who?
He never calls. He always texts.
Okay, no! Don't answer that.
- Jake! Jake! - Don't answer it. No.
Give me the phone!
- No. Absolutely not. Lainey, what are you doing?
Hey, you don't do this anymore. Remember? We're okay.
I'm sorry, yeah. You got to breathe Lainey, please breathe.
Is there a problem?
Uh, yeah. My wife, she's prone to panic attacks.
It's this guy she's sleeping with. It's alright.
Okay...
Dude get the fuck out of here, I got it.
Alright, easy.
- I appreciate your concern, Superman! Fly away.
Baby. Just breathe will you. Okay? Will you?
Here, come on, sit down. You're gonna be okay.
It's alright, you just got to breathe.
Please. Okay?
Yeah. There you go.
Lainey, this is just fear. Alright?
A really, really large dose of fear.
That's all that's going on.
A little adrenaline - in a bad way.
Does that make sense?
Also...
Mousetrap.
Complete and total Mousetrap right now.
Oh my god.
Stop. You're so fucked up.
I'm fucked up? What are you talking about?
You went Kathy Bates in Misery in the middle of Central Park.
Come on . Maybe we're both fucked up. At least give me that.
Come on. You want to get out of here? Central Park sucks.
I mean it's a goddamn bird toilet anyway.
Almost done. Just one more.
This is the greatest movie ever made.
Yeah, of course you love it. Look at her.
God I love you...
That's you, baby. I love you!
I'm gonna murder you all. I love you!
That's the second time you said that.
Said what?
You called me baby just now.
And you said it the other day too.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
No, I mean it was a total accident.
I don't I don't know why I would...
Do you want talk about it?
Talk about what?
We're not a couple but we act like one.
Yeah...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
I guess I've been putting this conversation off for awhile.
We don't have to--
No. No. No. It's good. We should.
Okay, well...
You take this risk when you start sleeping with people.
You know, you risk losing them.
So for me, I've never slept with someone I
wasn't willing to lose.
Except one time.
And...
And it kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan.
And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay,
because I have no right to, you know. And...
So I just want to spend as much time with my best friend
as I possibly can.
Before I lose her again.
I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know it's like--
No. You're telling the truth.
Yeah...
So what now?
Hey, I got an idea.
- Hm-mm? - Will you...
take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party?
I literally thought you'd never ask.
- You thought I'd never get to this?
- I thought you would never get to this.
Where have you been all my life?
Right over your shoulder.
Waiting.
For the right moment.
Is that a yes or a no?
Happy birthday!
Look who it is. Look at this little human here.
Hello. Happy birthday. It's you're birthday!
Actually it's-- it's Henry's. He's seven.
She's not seven - but so happy you guys are here.
Oh my god - are you guys high?
We're actually rolling.
XTC? You know, that's how Henry was actually conceived.
- No kidding. - Yeah...
- Well that explains a lot. - Full circle...
Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys.
No offense, but seriously, just be safe.
You know what I mean.
But I'm sorry happy you guys are here.
It's so good to see you.
- Transformers guy didn't show up.
You kidding?
No, no, no. Oh my god - just kidding. No. Okay...
It feels soft and smooth.
No, and so there's a little bit of a meltdown.
It's a little bit of a crisis so I'm glad you're here.
Oh, is this for Henry? - Yeah.
Oh great. He loves New York ladies' flip flops.
Oh, no, no, no. those are mine. Those are for me. Those are me,
that shouldn't be in there. It's just a shitload of candy.
Great. Okay. That'll be nice.
Are those hot pads also for Henry?
Yeah. Can I just hold them now?
Okay, sure. Come in.
Okay, hopefully she goes down for her nap.
Okay - oh my god...
Okay, that kid has a hose. That kid has a hose.
You guys made it, huh?
Welcome to the hell scape that is my son's birthday party.
It's birth control.
Okay, when I say hello, you say hi!
- Hello! - Hi!
I'm Miss Dalton! So you say 'Hi - Hi, Miss Dalton!
Hi, Miss Dalton!
Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance!
Me!
Okay, everybody go out to the grass.
I will meet you there. I will be right there.
Naomi, put on track seven on my workout mix.
- Wait, Lainey... you don't have to do this.
It's not your responsibility.
Okay, relax. I do this for a living. Also,
two minutes ago, I accepted my body for the first time.
That a girl!
She dances for a living?
- No, deals with kids. - She told me to relax,
and the word lasted for like four seconds.
Okay, okay, okay. Great, alright.
Are you guys ready to learn a dance?
- Yes! - Yes! Okay, this is good.
Because everyone likes a person who can dance.
And this dance you can do anywhere - all you need is your-
- Body! - Yes! And just a little-
- Music! - Yes!
Okay, are you guys ready to learn the moves?
Yes!
Okay. Let's do this!
On my count...
here we go!
Five, six, seven, eight...
Ugh, I miss drugs...
Why don't we do drugs?
Because he have to control these lives that we gave birth to.
- First of all, I gave birth to them.
- Whatever. - We gave birth to?
I have not felt that free...
maybe my whole life.
What?
- I want that-- What are you doing?
Okay, he's going to put a stop to it.
Alright, now we're going to freestyle.
Who knows who to freestyle?
- Me! - Alright, grab your folks.
Who's the choreographer?
Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey.
Jake's friend Lainey - who he really wants to fuck.
Yeah, really wants to get deep up in there.
- Like gross. - So she's single...
Oh, one hundred percent.
This was an awful idea.
Oh wow, that's weird.
I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater.
Oh, this is good stuff.
Excuse me.
I'm Chris. This is Paul.
Lainey. Jake.
- Ah, hi you two. Are you guys married?
This is my son, and he really liked dancing with you.
Didn't you, buddy?
- Dude... are you really using your kid to hit on my friend?
Shut up. Ignore him. He's on drugs.
Hi Paul. Nice to meet you.
- We're heading out. But here's my info.
In case you feel like you might need it.
Come on, buddy. You can drive.
- Oh boy... in case you might need it?
Why would you need his info.
You're jealous.
I'm going to assume it is because you're coming down
off a powerful drug.
First part false. Second part true.
Chris Smith.
Hold on - what? His name's Chris Smith?
It is?
As in Chris Smith tree?
As in Chris Smith carol?
- No. - Holy smokes!
I always thought he'd be heavier with a beard.
- Leave him alone. - I love it. It's great.
Okay, I'm going to try it again, alright.
Just see if any of the water goes down, alright.
I love those Rush Hour movies. Oh my gosh. Anything that
African American says, anything and I'm laughing, you know.
Hm-mm. Yeah.
- Shit, that was dumb. - No, Chris.
It's fine. They're great. They're such good movies.
I was married for eight years.
And I just I haven't done this in a while.
Me neither.
Are you okay?
Be rude to it.
That was ridiculous.
The Dirty DJ was our thing! Okay?
- Jake! - That was our thing.
- Okay, let me be super clear here.
Please.
- We don't have things that are sexual.
We don't sleep with each other so we don't have things.
Okay, but you know what I mean, alright.
I taught you that as a gift to you.
That was not a Chris Smith gift.
So. I don't get mad when you bring other
chicks to our restaurant. - Our restaurant?
- Yeah. Oh, thank you. Our restaurant?
I didn't know we put a down payment on this place?
Come on.
- I love that you get ownership over a randomly selected
dumpling spot but me, I can't share with you the
slightest disappointment over you co-opting
an original idea of mine.
- First of all, you are not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.
I don't know who that is.
- And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding
scale morality. I'm not one of your dates.
- That is very true. You are not one of my dates.
Some water for you and the lady?
- No, the lady doesn't need it. She doesn't deserve that.
- I would like that, please. I actually would like the water.
- Sir, I can't stress enough- if we give her water I don't
know what happens. - Give me this water.
- See? She's addicted. She's addicted. This is an addict.
I have seen it a hundred times with her.
You gotta trust me.
You have lost your mind.
And you have lost your water.
So...
I guess we're tied.
I want to be able to talk you about this kind of thing.
I sense that. That's obvious. I just don't know why.
You talk to me about chicks you screw all the time.
That's different.
- Why? - Because I'm going inside them.
You're talking about someone inside you, that's just - Duh.
- Stop. - Grody.
This is the Bieder contract that has to go
to legal for comments.
Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute?
Ehm... I mean... a real minute?
A New York minute, I dunno, yeah a real minute.
Sixty seconds. Sure.
Okay. Ehm...
What was the other thing - oh yeah,
buzz me for the three o' clock. And that's it.
- Okay. - Yeah, don't fuck that up.
You got to let them have it.
Hey, will you sign this for me please?
Well I have to know what it is first.
Oh. It's a nullification of my contract.
It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander.
And why would you do that?
Right, no. because I want to go on a date with you.
Silly.
If you can just sign the back here - three places.
You can use my pen if you like.
And you can see I've executed my half, so...
You stand to make over five million dollars in
the next two years.
No shit? Wow... That's great.
But I mean I never really factor money into making my
decision making. But it doesn't change what I'm doing.
I appreciate the hardball, but obviously I can't take a
request like this seriously.
But he seriousness of my request is reflected in the hardball.
So I don't-I don't know what to do here.
Okay. I'll go on one date with you if you
answer a question truthfully.
Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah.
I answer all questions truthfully, but fire away.
What on earth makes you think I'm worth five million dollars?
What makes you think you're not?
Get out of here. Get back to work.
- I'm on break. - So take this...
- I'm on break. - ...and get out of my office.
Okay.
Alright. To be continued.
TTFN.
You know... I mean...
Ta ta for now.
My ex has my son this weekend.
And I know a place with cheap tequila.
We should go there. That sounds great.
Can you keep your mouth shut?
Yeah - I mean, not once we get there.
Tequila makes me so chatty. In a good way I think.
- You mean out here? - Yes, just mouth shut, please.
- Not going to say a peep. - Get out of here!
Back to work, you!
Yes!
There you are.
Hey, thanks for coming Lainey.
Partners always have to do these bullshit events.
I hope your heels are comfortable, because you're
going to be standing and talking to boring people all night.
I'm having a great time. Thank you for inviting me.
And these shoes are so comfortable.
Elaine?
- Hi, Matthew. - Good to see you.
- This is Chris. - Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Matthew.
- Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time.
Your name is Elaine?
Lainey is a nickname.
I didn't know that.
- Oh. Elaine. You've never met my wife. Have you?
- I haven't. - Let me introduce you. Emma?
Come here.
This is Elaine. - It's so nice to meet you, Emma.
This is Chris. - Hi.
- When are you due? - October.
- Congratulations. Your first? - Yes. It's a boy.
We're so excited.
Matthew will be delivering him.
- Oh. OBGYN? - Yes. You?
- Partner over at Garrison and Shingle.
- A man of the law. - Yeah.
- I worked with you guys when I was a mediator on
Thorpe V Bronwin. - Sure.
Elaine, what is it that you do? - I teach kindergarten.
- That's right. I think I knew that.
Would you excuse me? I'm just going to run to the ladies room.
Okay, can I cut to the chase?
- I would love that. I love cutting to chases. Do it.
- Okay, so you're a womanizer. - Hey... How did you know that?
Everybody knows that.
The interns call you Jump Back Jake.
I have a nickname?
A nickname. That's how bad it is.
- It's not bad. - Or that's how good it is!
Right. See, that's what I'm saying. I mean, I assumed they
would speak about me but I thought I would be more along
the lines of something like... - Stellar Yelp reviews?
- Yeah. Stellar Yelp reviews. - So can I ask...
Yeah, how do I stop you?
Were you a fat teenager?
Did you-no seriously, did you not get along with your mother?
Do you just not like women?
Do you feel suffocated by them as soon as you--
No, it's none of those things. God, those are all bad.
No, I think it was...
I think it was because I was a late bloomer.
Really? Me too.
That's amazing. No shit.
I mean, it's different for women.
I waited until my wedding night.
Did you grow up in America?
Holy shit. I don't think I've ever...
No, I've never met anybody that actually
waited until their wedding day.
That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity.
Okay, well I grew up very, very religiously.
What is your excuse?
Yeah, well my excuse. I think it's...
I thought it was something that should be special.
I think I literally sprouted a vagina when I said that.
Check, please...
There's a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in my pants
as we speak. - There are worse things.
That's true. Pollock...
Woof.
Yeah, but that's why I... yeah.
I mean, I had a bunch of friends who had done it and it just,
I don't know, at some point I realized it wasn't going to be
special and I just wanted to get it over with,
and it hasn't been special ever since.
So who was the girl?
Do you remember?
- Do you need to get that? - Nope.
- Please. - No. No. It's just a friend.
Well you can still get the phone.
I don't want to get the phone. It's just a friend.
It's no big deal.
- You call has been forwarded to an automatic voice--
Are you one of Matthew's patients?
No. I went to Columbia.
I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you.
Well I haven't seen him in a long time.
It shouldn't bother me but I don't like meeting his patients.
It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen
her... you know.
Of course.
Yeah, I'd feel the same way.
Lainey, everything okay?
Oh I got to go. Chris, I'm so sorry I'm leaving. I'm sick.
Oh no, well let me drive you home.
- No. Please... - Is everything alright?
I'm just not feeling well.
Oh. You should take our driver.
Emma and I are going to stick around for another hour or so.
But he can drop you off and be back in twenty minutes. Easy.
You don't know where I live.
That's so nice. Are you sure?
Yes. She'll never get a cab out at this hour. It's no trouble.
I'm really supposed to mingle a bit, but if you want me to come-
It's fine. I'll call you tomorrow.
Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better.
Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight.
It's no trouble. Thank you.
So it's the black Town Car. It's across the street--
I know what your car looks like. I don't need it.
- I like your date. He seems nice.
Fuck you, Matt.
Why haven't you returned any of my calls?
- I blocked your number. - Why?
Because I'm not an asshole.
Okay.
- No, no. - What? What?
You're so greedy.
Nuh-uh.
- What? What do you want me to do?
I want you to do nothing.
I want you to do exactly what you don't normally do.
Okay?
Okay.
...Fuck.
- Can you cum? - But you haven't.
- Cum inside me. I want you to cum now.
- Cum! - Okay.
...Oh fuck!
Oh Lainey...
Oh shit...
Who's Lainey?
Um...
It's a long story.
You want to tell me about it?
Yes...
I just tried calling you.
My phone died.
So. How was your day?
Swell.
Want to come up?
It's over.
He didn't choose me.
You never told him to make a choice, you know.
How was Paula?
That was a mess.
She nice to you?
Yes.
Good.
What's up?
Are we in love with each other?
What are we gonna do about it?
What do you want to do?
Nothing.
There's nothing to do.
I love you for free, Lainey.
I love you for free, Jake.
I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor?
Tempting. Tempting, but no.
Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow.
Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes?
Kara and George are shipping it to me on Monday.
- Cool. Alright. - I'm good.
You got it all figured out.
Alright, well last chance to ditch med school and run away
with me. Come on, what do you say? Let's go.
You just sneak in here, I'll drive. Bounce around.
- You know. Unfortunately I don't sleep with men
in relationships anymore. This new crazy thing.
- Gotcha. No that's okay. That's okay.
I stopped cheating anyway. Bad timing.
What happened to us?
We're getting a chance to start over.
That's true.
Just in time if you ask me.
Oh yes. Yeah. Before things got really bad. And weird.
Alright, well.
Goodbye forever.
Again.
Up top. There you go.
Thank you, Jake.
For what?
For teaching me how to love someone.
Anytime.
I'll get this for you - you've got to close this.
Yep.
It would be kinda cool though if you could just hang onto the
back. Eddie Murphy at the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop?
Remember that? Cigarette truck - never mind.
Alright. Drive safe.
- Go. - Bye.
Go be a hot shot.
Hi babe, it's me. Um... I hope the goodbye went well.
Oliver and I are on our way. Okay, see you soon.
Nice job, Oliver. You're a whirling dervish out there.
- A whirling dervish! - You got this, Henry.
- There you go, Henry. Right through.
How's that feel, blue? How's that feel, blue?
- Yeah, little legs but they move fast.
Get it. Get it. Reverse it. Reverse it. Yeah!
- Yes! Nice pass, man. - Get off me!
Sorry, I'm just a passionate fan man.
I'm sorry, go play soccer, what are you doing talking to me?
- What are you doing? - What?
You're embarrassing the kid.
They kid's having a great game, you're embarrassing--
Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry!
- That's better? - How's that feel, blue?
How's that feel, blue?
My love is conditional.
When we were kids, we had like orange slices after a game.
Thank you.
That's like four hundred dollars worth of frozen yogurt.
All the toppings...
- She just said it's every topping. Every flavor.
Hey, what's up dude?
Is it okay if I go over Henry's to go swimming?
It's cool with me. Is it cool with you?
At my house? You're going to go swimming at my house?
Yes, I am.
- Let me think about it. - What do you say?
Alright. I'll allow it.
- You sure you don't want to come to brunch?
Me and your mom?
We're gonna have some eggs Benedict and some frittatas.
- Yeah, because that's what kids want to do.
They don't want to go swimming. They want to go to brunch.
Thanks, Jake.
There you go.
- You have really changed, my friend.
- Yes. - I have to say I don't mind it.
I don't know what that whole thing was with Lainey but it
really turned you around in the right direction.
How's she doing?
- Lainey? - Yeah.
I don't know. We haven't talked in a while.
Look at her, passing out toppings like--
She's just like a dealer.
- What? - You're mad?
- No. - You're happy. You're both?
- You're crazy. - Are you mappy? You're mappy?
- I'm just going to say you're mappy.
- Have you thought this through? - It's a birthday gift.
- I can't go to France. I can't get off work.
- Do what you want, because I'm pretty sure there's going to be
a very nice suite in a five star hotel just waiting for you.
But you're right. It's a bad idea. Maybe you shouldn't go.
But I've got to find someone now with your exact name that can go
to Europe and use that room. Anybody here named Paula?
- Ssshhtt!! You're crazy.
- Settle up, people. No. Not at all.
I think this is a great idea. - When did you get this good?
I spent a long time being bad.
What?
I'm sorry, I just- I know this guy from somewhere.
- With the glasses? - I can't put my finger on it.
- From work? - No...
Neighbour?
No, I-I feel like he had longer hair.
Maybe he's an actor?
Maybe I knew him at Colum...
Columbia...
You know what -
you mind if I run over there just to see if it's him?
- Okay, baby. - Be right back.
Sobvechik?
Yeah.
- Oh, you're pregnant! - Oh my god!
Jake! Jake!
- Who are you, you fucking asshole!
Sorry. Sorry.
- Jake!
Somebody do something.
- That's for my girl! You shit!
Fuck you!
Get up! Come on.
- You fucking boring piece of shit!
Fucking tourist.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Matthew, my water broke...
Honey!
We need a doctor.
- I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor! Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
I am her husband.
That is my wife and that is my baby.
And this motherfucker I don't even know!
Let's go!
What are you doing?!
Jake, you fucking maniac!
That's my husband!
Oh my God, Oh my God,
No! No! No!
No! No!
Matthew! Hey! Hey!
He didn't do anything.
We were just having brunch and then this fucker comes out of
nowhere and decks him!
The Henley wearing bullshit motherfucker!
Oh my god, this isn't happening.
I need a tissue...
Hey...
- They're going to book you for assault.
What? Why?
Sorry. Bad joke.
- So you're going to need someone to bail you out.
Oh, come on. Paula...
I don't need a hardball.
My girl?
What?
Michael, Who's your girl?
- Well I can explain that, it's just...
Who's your girl, Jake?
- I was... that guy's a fucking asshole who was really shitty
to a good friend of mine.
You can't even say it.
You can't even look at me and just say her name.
I don't even...
Give me the courtesy.
- What are you talking- I haven't even spoken to her
since she left.
I didn't do anything wrong here, okay?
You've been playing house.
I let my son fall in love with you...
Oh come on, that is not true.
- You've been lying this whole time.
I have not lied!
I would not lie to you. To him. Okay?
I wasn't trying to hurt you.
Wow, you really, you really...
Really what?
- Two different people, my friend.
Oh come on. I am not, okay?
- But you're gonna figure it out.
- Figure what- what are you doing?
You're just going to go?
Okay. Great...
Great. Okay.
Great!
Wonderful.
Fucking...
Who wants more wine?
I'll take some.
Great.
Hello?
Hey, baby.
Jake?
- Yeah. Yeah. yeah. How are you doing?
I'm fine.
Where are you calling me from?
- Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail for cool
people who fucked up?
There's just one big old jail for everyone.
Jake. What happened.
- Well... I ran into our old college buddy,
Matthew Sobvechik.
Baby, what did you do?
Well.. I um...
I sort of beat he shit out of him.
Fucked up his life a little bit.
Why did you do that?
I um...
Well I just, um...
I just really miss you.
Yeah, I think about you like, all the time.
Even the word "Think" is wrong,
because I don't actively do anything.
You're just here.
Look, I didn't think I'd remember you.
I thought that I would forget about all of it.
And I didn't...
You know, I just-I know we're no good at this shit.
And that's why we agreed to stop seeing each other.
So we wouldn't fuck it up. But...
But I want you to come back.
I need you to...
Because ahh,
Because I'd rather fail with you,
than win with anyone else.
Hello?
Lainey? Are you still there?
Just keep talking.
I love hearing your voice.
I love hearing you say my name.
You do? Lainey!
Jake. Jake.
Lainey!
I love you so much.
I love you.
Lainey. Lainey. Lainey.
I love you.
I love you so much!
I love you!
I love you, Jake!
I love you! Lainey! Lainey!
What are you doing?!
Fucking take it.
Okay honey, you're on speaker phone in a police station.
Be very careful what you say.
Hello, police.
I love you. Don't- don't hurt any more people.
Easy! Easy! Watch it.
Back off. Back off.
Elaine! Elaine! Elaine! I love you!
Yes? Yes.
I will communicate the message.
Mr. Sobvechik will not be joining us.
We will have to postpone.
- Come on. This is the third time.
- My client has a newborn he has to spend time with.
- We have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit.
Your client is clearly dragging this thing out.
- My office will be in touch to reschedule.
- I forgot that Pinkerton was an alias of yours.
- You never caught that reference.
Madame Butterfly.
Just because I don't applaud your intellect
doesn't mean I don't notice it.
Matthew.
- I need you to swear that you didn't plan this.
I didn't plan this.
Jake's offering you a lot of money to settle this emotional
distress lawsuit so...
Just take it.
- Or what? Are you threatening me?
I don't need to threaten you.
Let me guess. I drop it,
or you tell Emma we slept together.
I'd tell her what I know.
Which is what.
- I know that you stop breathing when you kiss.
That when you lean in to whisper,
you put your lips right up against the back of my earlobe.
You kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat
over my shoulders.
I remember every compliment you ever gave me.
Everything you ever did to me in bed.
And the day you made me yours.
The day you said: Elaine, I wish I could have known you when you
were a little girl. So that I could've been...
Could've been your true love.
I remember too, you know.
- Would any of it sound familiar to Emma?
Some. Yes.
- I don't think she needs to know that things she holds close
to her heart were rehearsed on someone else.
Goodbye, Mathew.
- So is he going to drop the charges?
Am I allowed to leave the state?
He will. You may.
- Good, because I booked us a flight back to Michigan
at 10am tomorrow morning.
- Great. I have a final at three.
- Excellent. I'll help you study. I'll make flashcards.
So no honeymoon?
Oh no, no.
There's going to be a honeymoon.
I got us the penthouse suite down at the plaza
right down the road here.
Nice!
- But first I've got to take you downtown and make an honest
woman out of you. - Rings?
Shit...
Kidding. Xander's got them.
- I can't believe that we lost our virginity to each other and
saved ourselves for marriage.
That's pretty great.
- Yeah, I'm proud of us. Nicely done.
- But it's not like we haven't done it.
Of course.
I know what it looks like.
Yeah, yeah. It's been a while.
But I know what your situation is down there.
Oh really?
How's my situation?
You kidding?
It's perfect.
Oh well...
I'm pretty much a dream come true.
Mousetrap...
Do we really have to...
No, we don't.
Safe word to code word, I guess...
We should probably...
- Let's go fuck first, then we'll meet them down there.
- We gotta do it now, yeah. But we got to do it quick.
Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late.
- Absolutely... How long shall I tell him we're going to be?
A couple of hours.
Really? Luck guy, aren't I.
- Yeah, and then we'll still go and get married.
- Absolutely. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something.
What?
That.
Yeah.
Better, right?
So we got twenty blocks.
- Why didn't we just take the bus?
Oh that's a good point.
Should we get on the bus?
I wonder if we can find that route where we first did it.
Oh, you're such a romantic.
Yeah, yeah....
I love you.
I love you too.
Yeah. we'll be here.
Okay, have fun I dunno.
Okay, bye.
Um they're going to be here in like ninety minutes.
When have you ever had sex for ninety minutes?
With you?
With anybody.
You have not had sex for ninety minutes?
- I have had actual intercourse for ninety minutes.
- I bet their counting foreplay and stuff.
No well, maybe they are.
- Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all.
I bet this sex thing is a ruse.
For what?
They're having trouble.
Cold feet.
Second thoughts.
Second thoughts?
They literally just got back together.
- I know, but now they have to have this whole sex thing.
I don't know...
- First of all, we had sex at the last minute,
right before we got married.
I don't think that's true.
Really?
You don't remember someone sneaking into
my room right before?
Who? Who? I'll murder him!
Text us if you're going to do this.
We'll be there. I've got the rings.
The whole deal, so just ahh...
- We're gonna go have sex for nine minutes.
- Yes, we're gonna go have sex for nine minutes.
- Now I'm super happy with four to six.
- Four to six minutes or four to six inches?
Both.
- I can get to like six and a quarter.
I'll show you right now. It is so cold.
I can't get hard right now.
Just show me.
I can't get hard right now!
Alright.
I want to though.
Here...
- If they're gonna be ninety minutes.
Will this help?
- Yeah, oh That's doing something...
There's a kid looking at me.
The kid's locked eyes with me.
Hey. We made it work.
12 years!
Who would have thought.
Don't say twelve years...
I bet my brother seven and I would be out.
I had to give him 5000 dollars.
What?!
- Yeah. 5 years ago I gave him 5000 dollars.
Remember, you were so mad.
Yeah!
- Yeah. I paid him that because I lasted longer.
- You said you got into a car accident.
It's weird to look at you for this long.
What do you mean?
I never look at you.
Get a good gander.
What are you doing? Don't dance.
Don't dance, please.
I don't like it.
What are you... Don't grind up on me, weirdo.
There's not even music.
Really?
There's music in my body.
- Okay, now something's happening.
Let's get out of here. Let's go back to the hotel.
I want to do stuff to your body.
Upstairs. Downstairs. Right?
Yeah.
All right.
I love you, honey.
I love you.
Let's go!