Ii
♪ now, I'm walking down the street...
- Hey, dad.
- Man, eff this wanna be holiday.
- What?! The fourth of July?
You hate the fourth of July? - Yes.
- It's America's birthday. You don't like birthdays?
- After the bottle rocket smoke clears,
day after tomorrow,
all these mouth-breathers are gonna be in my store
buying half-off Christmas ornaments.
You know it and I know it.
- I don't know if I know it. - I don't know.
What are you looking at?
Oh. Wow.
Fifty shades of hey.
Go talk to him.
- No. He's... He's busy.
- He should be gettin' busy with you.
I can't go over there.
What if he- what if he slaps me?
- What? What if-?
What if instead of writing the declaration of independence,
George Washington wrote the declaration of
"suffering in silence with your raging ladyboner?"
- Okay. - What if instead of freeing the slaves,
Abraham Lincoln said "ye shall not pass!"
- Okay, well that's Gandalf,
but I know where you're going.
- Go talk to him.
- I can't go over to that guy,
he's like an angel that's come down from outer space.
- Yeah, so ask him to probe you.
I can't- I can't do it.
- Yes you can, and look, mister pretty's off the phone.
Come on. Do it.
- How many of those have you had?
You seem drunk. - I'm drunk.
Deb.
I haven't had dinner.
Deb.Deb.Deb.Deb!
Deb!Deb!Deb!Deb!Deb!
- Okay. - Deb. Deb.
- Here goes nothing!
- Do it.
Deb.Deb.Deb.Deb-
- oh, sorry. - Deb. Deb. Deb.
Do it. Now. Go.
See ya.
Oh, fuck me.
Ugh.
Oh.
What the...?
I dunno.
I noticed she had red hair, and that's about it.
Stacy and I had a fight, then this... person
and I started drinking and talking...
And drinking...
And the rest is kind of a blur.
No, now she's here. She's still here. Yeah.
And I don't know how to get rid of her.
No, I can't force her out.
I'm not gonna pull the fire alarm.
- White Russian and a whiskey neat.
- Thanks, Billy. - Oh... my gosh.
You know my drink? Whoa.
Well, here's to the long, straight piece in Tetris.
Clink!
- So, uh...
- I'm upset, too, frank.
- What are you doing in this gin joint?
- Let me talk some sense into him.
Uh-huh.
He looks drunk and ready to explain himself.
Yeah. We'll get back to you.
Okay.
Ryan, that was your dad.
Please explain to me
why you told him to take that job and shove it?
- No, I never said- - he says you did.
- I told him that I'd thought long and hard
but I had to turn him down.
I was gonna tell you tonight.
- I am your fiancé, alright?
You tell me before you make any stupid decisions and-
what exactly can we do for you, fraggle?
- I'm sorry. I-
this gentleman bought me a drink,
and we were having a conversation-
- are you drinking his white Russian?
I told you that was a girl's drink.
- This is your drink?
- Well, it was.
- I'm sorry. I drink them, too.
I just thought you were being amazingly intuitive.
- Oh, good for you sweetie,
why don't you just take it with our compliments?
Alright?
Billy!
Another Russian and bird over here.
- Coming up!
- Ryan, you need to call your dad right now.
You can still get this job-
- Stacy, I'm not working for my father's company.
- We had this all figured out.
You and i are gonna get married,
your dad is gonna get old, we're gonna take over.
What is going on with you?
Are you still into this "helping people" thing?
- I am done talking about this. Okay?
Like she said, we were having a conversation?
- Really?
What's her name then?
- Estelle. - Deborah.
- What?! You- you know my name?
- No, I...
You looked like a Deborah, so obviously I was wrong.
- No, my name is Deborah.
You were right!
I just said estelle
because I wanted to get you out of the doghouse.
- How would that have helped me?
- You know what?
You two enjoy each other.
Happy independence day, because we're through.
- Stacy, this doesn't have to mean-
- yes, it does, Ryan!
This is a package deal.
So you can say goodbye to these.
- Trixie and mayberry.
I love those cats. - You'll see them again.
She seems like a...
Sweet girl.
- Kev, come on, focus. Help me.
That is a solid move.
No, man, I'm not gonna- yeah, but that's your move.
- So? - Not everyone can pull that off!
Kev, you're breaking up or something.
Go back to-
kev, are you there? - Ryan-
excuse me?
- Mmm, morning.
I slept in, didn't I?
- Yeah, you sure did.
- So, what's on the agend'?
Brunch?
- Ah, no.
- Ooh. A black-coffee man.
I like it.
"L'm John Wayne, i don't need no breakfast."
- I actually already had my coffee but- - oh.
- Anyway, it's the 4th,
so I'm gonna go spend some time with my family.
And maybe you should too, right?
- Oh my gosh! I must look terrible but,
so soon but I guess i can meet your family-
- no. No, I actually meant your family. - Oh.
- But either way, i have to go right now, so-
- okay, well just...
Do what you gotta do, Mr. Magoo.
I've got a book and I'll just stay here.
I'll see you in a couple of hours.
- Oh, um... Hey, uh, look,
I don't exactly remember what happened last night but-
- oh. Well, a-
do you want the slow-motion instant replay?
- Oh, great.
Okay, hey, that's a- - oh, no.
- That was a family heirloom. But, uh...
You know what? Don't worry about it.
Please, uh- please.
- Okay, well... As you wish.
- Um... Well, look,
I think we can agree that this was a mistake.
- Oh! Yeah.
Of course! A mistake. What?
I'm glad you said it before I said it
because I was gonna say it.
There's a load: Off.
- Great. Okay. So we can leave.
Now. - Now?
Yes. Now. "Now" is even too late for me.
Like, I wish we could go in a time machine
and go back five minutes, and leave then.
- But we don't. We don't have that
so we just have to walk.
So here we go. - Where's a delorean when you need one, right?
- Okay-
- yep. Hello, mcfly!
Anybody home?
- Okay, there you go. - Much obliged.
- So, you know, if we run into each other around town
it doesn't need to be weird, you know?
We can just say "hello" or wave-
- what a nice morning.
It's...
Holidays are so peaceful, don't you think?
- I guess I never really- - "listen my children
and you will hear
of the midnight ride of Paul revere
a voice in the darkness,
a knock at the door
and a word that will echo forever more."
- Wow. That was actually nice.
- Thank you. - Have a good one.
- Oh. That's longfellow.
He's from here. Portland, Maine.
- Yeah, i know where we live.
- I used to recite it for my mom every forth.
She's in a better place now...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- ...Virginia beach.
They have a lot of activities for seniors there.
L try to go,
but I'm so busy with work at the TV station.
Hence, alone for the holiday.
- Okay, well...
God bless...
America!
- Hey, god bless you!
Whoever you are.
- Deb, it's rubes.
Call me as soon as you drag yourself
out of that fine man's bed, you complete whore.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Great, somebody's coming in the store,
and they look drunk and I feel like ass today.
Hey! You break it, you buy it, bucko-
shit! Ahh-
- happy holidays, you've reached yule mart,
we'll be open July 4th until noon,
and all day on the 5th.
You'll love our frankincense and myrrh-chandise!
Weep) Get it?
- Hi, I don't know if i should be your hero...
Homeboy didn't want to see me again after last night.
L guess in the light of day,
I seemed like some sort of monster.
Rubes, you gotta tell me what happened last night,
because I don't remember bupkis.
Was I some sort of jackhole or something? - Why won't she leave?
Hello?
Piece a caca phone.
Really?!
- Hello?
Joe?
Anybody?
" Nm!
Don't make me!
- The parade's really gone downhill this year.
Come on.
- Alright, Joe,
I got a large casco bay blend here.
Joe?
Alright.
Oh, hey man.
There you are. What's going on?
Dude, why are you eating a foot?
- Joe!
Joe!
- Oh god! Ah!
- Ah! Whoa! Oh my god!
What is happening! This is horrible!
- ( -
sorry, Joe!
- Come on. Come on. Come on!
- Wait, wait my place, my place.
- Okay-
- what is this?
- Well, I've never seen one before
but it seems sort of like a zombie apocalypse.
- Oh, you know, at least they're not the sprinter type.
They're more of the old-school, cerebral palsy variety.
- Hey, that's Manny, from up the street, okay?
He really does have cp.
- Oh, well I'm sorry. I was just trying to-
- whoa. - Whoa.
- Okay, some of them run!
- Oh, sorry.
- So, what are we gonna do?! - I don't know,
I don't have a whole lot of experience
with this type of thing!
- Why are you taking off your shoes?
- Because it's filthy outside!
- Okay, okay, calm down.
Okay. We need information.
We need to figure out if it's effecting everyone.
Okay. TV.
Okay.
Where's CNN? - I don't have it.
I got rid of cable a couple months ago.
- Oh, that's cool. I have some friends that did that
and it sounded so liberating...
But actually not helpful right now!
- I still get the local stuff.
- The annual event drew famished foodies
from bangor to brunswick
to support the fire department's annual pancake breakfast...
- Good! It hasn't spread across town.
- No, not necessarily. This is yesterday's broadcast.
- Which you know
because you were running the camera.
- Are you being weirdly sarcastic,
or how do you know that?
- You told me last night that you work at the news station,
now why would they rerun a news broadcast?
- That's what I don't understand.
Radio. Do you have one?
- Area, and wait for help. Repeat message 5-b.
- Couldn't we have taken the radio out of the- - shh! This is is.
- Stay in your homes with the doors locked.
The governor has declared a state of emergency
and alerted the national guard.
Symptoms of the ailment include: Slurred speech,
wild movement, an appetite for human flesh,
and both slow and fast walking.
If loved ones display these traits,
isolate them in a secure area and wait for help...
- "Loved ones." I gotta call Stacy!
- Wait. You guys broke up, right?
- I think I left my phone at the coffee shop.
- You went to a coffee shop?
I thought that you already had your coffee?
That's very interesting.
- Can I use yours?
- Oh, boy, I think that i should conserve battery power.
- Please.
Okay. Make it snappy-
- wait, seriously?
This is what you use to call people?
- Okay, listen, if you don't want to use it, please just-
- no, no, no, it's fine. It's just, uh...
- You don't know her number. - No. I-
shh! Alright? I'm trying to think.
- The prospects for your relationship
are not looking good.
- I always just use speed dial, alright?
Everybody does that.
- Listen, no one is judging you.
I'm just saying that when i care about someone
I commit their phone number to memory.
Like my morn.
Oh shark, my mom! Gimme-gimme!
Shh.
- Hello!
- Mom! Are there zombies there?
- Gotcha! You've reached my voicemail.
Please leave a message.
- Jesus, morn, i hate this gag.
- Just kidding, it's actually me.
- Oh, uh... Mom, are you really there?
- Well, of course, little Ms. Magoo.
Happy 4th of July!
- Have you been outside yet today?
- Why, yes, I was just down at the pick n' save.
- And are there people eating each other's flesh?
- I'm in Virginia beach, honey, not Florida.
- Mom! Listen to me.
The people here are infected with something.
I'm trying to get down there, but if I don't make it...
Take care of yourself.
- Deb? - I love you.
- Are you there? - Ma'?
- Can you hear me?
- You still using that janky old pho- - dammit.
Mm.
- Okay-
let's take stock of what we have and-
oh!
Board up the windows?
Way ahead of you, chief. Pee corner's over there.
- Hey, that end table was a matching set!
And we don't need a pee corner, i have a bathr-
you know what? We're getting out of here.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Alright, they're drawn to the noise.
We'll have to leave quietly.
- But you heard the radio. They said to hunker down
and wait for the national guard or whatever.
And just some food for thought, we might want to start bonding
in case we have to repopulate the world.
Just thinking out loud here.
- No. Please don't, alright?
Look, my fiance, brother, and father are out there.
They'll be expecting me.
- Breaking news:
People are kind of foregoing their holiday plans right now.
You'll be no help to them if you get infected.
- I'd rather take that risk
than be without the people I care about.
- Okay, whatever you want.
I'm staying put.
- But... I need you.
- You know, it's weird.
I know that we've only know each other a short time,
but I kind of feel the same- - you have a car.
- Oh.
What happened to yours, playa? Ls it in the shop?
- I don't have one. I ride my bicycle everywhere.
- Everywhere except across town in the middle
of a zombie apocalypse, huh?
Is that your one exception?
- Look, help me collect my people,
then we call all leave town together
and then you can get to your mom in Virginia.
- I can't stay mad at you.
We're gonna need some road snacks.
Oh, I foolishly thought that you kept food in here.
- Hey, we can survive on this stuff!
- For an hour, if we were rabbits.
Why do you have coconut water?
Is this Maine or gilligan's island?
- It's very hydrating.
Once we get in that car,
I'm not stopping until we get to va.
There's gotta be someplace around here
that we can get food.
- I check in on Mrs. Jones,
get her groceries once in a while.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
- Oh, no.
- Oh my god, is she...?
So sad.
To die alone on the 4th.
"Shadows are trailing
my heart is bewailing
and tolling within like a funeral bell."
Rest in peace, Mrs. Jones.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I was just reciting some longfellow.
I think it's nice to say a few things before- - no, no,
why did you open her eyes?
- That's what you do when someone dies?
To let their soul rise up to heaven.
- What?
No, no, you close their eyes.
- Uh... okay, trust me on this one.
- No. Trust me, okay.
Nobody does it that way.
- Uh, you're gonna feel pretty silly
when the lnternet's back up.
- Please. This was a sweet old lady, alright?
Don't be weird, just leave her in peace.
- Stop it!
- Ooh, taking control. Yeah, I dig it.
But I gotta do right by her.
Let your soul be free!
- You're being ridiculous. - No, you're being ridiculous.
And let go of my wrist, you're hurting me.
- I'm not touching your-
- whoa! - Whoa! What is happening?!
A little help here, chief! - I'm working on it!
Okay, I'm sorry, Mrs. Jones.
L'm really sorry to do this to you-
- forget the lamp, Martha Stewart!
- Okay. Okay! Okay, jump away.
Alright. And... clear!
- What are you doing?!
- What? Why isn't it working?
Deb, do something!
- But I don't know- - please don't struggle, Mrs. Jones!
- Oh, she's old.
- Yeah!
That was awesome. - Yeah!
- I mean, that was terrible, actually,
because she was my neighbor.
But that's a-
let's get the food.
- These are the crappiest snacks.
Didn't this lady eat any solids? - Shh.
- Whoa.
At least they're three floors down.
- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!
- Fire escape! Fire escape! - Yeah, sure.
Ii
- wait! Slow down.
- What are you doing? You should've left that stuff!
- Sorry! Fine! - No, no, no. D0n'tjust-
- sorry.
- Shit.
- Great. Now look what you made me do.
- That's it. We're toast.
- Well, it's stupid for both of us to die.
I'm gonna get you a chance.
- What are you talking about? - Shh.
Earn this. Huh?
Okay.
When the moment is right, you grab your bike and go!
Who wants a piece of this?!
Whoa! Whoa, ho, ho, ho!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Ride-'em-zombies!
Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
Come on, you guys. I'm right here.
Come on, you guys. Get over here.
Come on, you guys. I'm just right here.
Fresh meat! - Hey!
- Whoa!
That was awesome! You were awesome!
I feel so alive!
- Tell me you have your keys. - Yes!
Whoo!
You saved me, Ryan! You effing saved me!
I think we can be pretty sure you like me.
- Good god, do you live in here?
- No-
not any more.
- Maybe there's something more about this on the radio.
- "Don't you ever touch a black man's radio!"
It's Chris Tucker, "rush hour."
Radio's busted. Tape player works, though.
- Oh, well, that's completely useless.
- Ten points! - Ahh! Ahh!
Wha-what are you doing?!
- I know. Low hanging fruit, right?
- Ahh! No. No. Stop that.
- Don't worry about it.
This is like swatting mosquitoes for little ol' Otis.
- No. No. You can't just murder the zombies.
These are people.
- Um... Maybe they were once.
- No. For all we know,
some chemist could be working on a cure right now.
They could all be turned normal again.
- Sure and maybe we can all hold hands
and skip to yum-yum town,
where rainbows shoot out the butts of unicorns.
- I'm serious.
- Ryan, even if you're right,
would they really want to come back?
I mean, how would you deal with the fact
that you just ate your roommate's lower intestine?
Okay. Okay. I wasn't looking on that one.
- Please, Deb.
- Enjoy your life, zombies.
- I always knew this town was dead
but this is ridiculous.
Ra-cha-cha-cha.
- How many miles does this boat get?
- You're gonna bust on my car now?
- No, no, i was just thinking about...
When we need to fill up the gas again.
- No, no, i hear it in your voice.
Otis is offensive. Otis is unclean.
- Do you know, like, what the emissions from this car
actually do to the environment?
- I'm sorry, I must've missed that page
in "Ryan's guide to being a completely perfect humanoid."
- No, no, it's not about being perfect.
Clean energy is just the right thing to do.
- Energy is messy, okay?
I mean, it's really cute to eat organic millet
and drive around in a hovercraft or whatever,
but look around you, dude.
We lost.
We tried to save the planet, and this is where it got us.
- God, you sound just like my dad.
- Really? The guy sounds awesome.
What, are you adopted?
- Nice one. That's actually the family joke.
My brother makes it all the time.
It's a good one.
Look, I'm sorry.
My family is not a hallmark card either.
I remember every 4th,
my dad would bring us all up to the roof
to watch the fireworks over the eastern prom.
Then, one year, around dusk,
the guy's nowhere to be found.
So we go up to the roof...
And that's when we saw him.
He was lying there in the back yard,
right by the barbecue...
Almost looked like he was asleep.
He was changing out the propane tank.
It was the best cookout ever.
- That's the end of the story? - Um-hmm.
- That's a ridiculous- that was so strange.
It's all going one direction and then-
- that was a good memory. It's not all like that.
It's a mixed bag.
- Okay, well, anyway, um...
My dad is pissed because I won't work
for the family business.
- Really? What's wrong with it?
- It's rated the most environmentally unsound
business in the state.
- Waverly water treatment?
You're a waverly? Oh my god.
- How did you put that together?
- Because I work in the news, remember?
I mean, don't get me wrong,
that company seems like pure evil,
but the buckage must be pretty good.
- Yeah well, not for me. I'm not gonna work there
so my brother is gonna get it all.
- Hmm. Tough break.
- Where the fuck are we?
Wait. What are you doing?
- L just gotta stop in here.
- "Yule mart?"
No. No. We agreed, no more stopping.
My dad's place is just a couple miles up the road.
- Yeah, and we're gonna get there.
But my friend's inside, i have to see if she's okay.
- Fine. Five minutes.
But do we have anything deadlier than a bike chain?
- Urn.
This thing. - No.
- Oh, check the glove box.
Maybe that?
- You've had a gun this entire time?
- Yeah, it was in there when I bought the car.
It's mostly for show, though, it only has two bullets.
Comes down to it, we'll use it to tap out.
- "Tap out?"
- Yeah.
You know, if we get infected.
Tap.
And then tap.
- You just shot yourself first.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Ryan,
I haven't worked out the math on our murder-suicide yet!
- Okay, let me be really clear about this:
I do not want to be tapped out.
You say that now...
- No, seriously, if I get infected,
just let me run off into the woods or something.
- You'll feel differently when you get infected.
I don't want you to suffer.
- No, I could not be more sure about this;
I do not want you to shoot me in the head.
- Sure, sure, sure. Okay, okay.
We'll see, though. Okay?
Stay alert.
- Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
"Ah! "Ah!
- Oh what fun it is to ride in a
one horse open sleigh...
Deck the halls with boughs of-
- look at all this crap.
- You don't like Christmas?
- Are you kidding me? I freakin' love Christmas.
Which is why I think these plastic trees
are for tire stores and communists.
When I have kids,
I'm gonna take them every year to cut down a real tree.
- You realize it takes ten years
for one of those trees to grow
and only seconds to saw the life out of it?
- If there is a bigger buzz kill than you, sir,
I don't know what that looks like.
- I'm just saying that we should celebrate
planting a tree with the children
rather than destroying one.
- "We"?
- Yeah, you know, i mean, people- earth.
- Uh-huh. But you said "the children."
And if you meant children in general
you would've just said something like- - oh my god.
That sweater.
- Ruby?
Honey, are you okay?
- Oh, look out!
Well, it looks like she's full-on zombie, let's jet.
- Wait! We can't leave her like that.
- What do you suggest?
- Tap, tap-
- use our bullets on her?
- It's the right thing to do.
Besides, you said you didn't want to use them.
- But the gun's in the car.
- Here.
You distract her and lead her outside.
I'll do the rest.
Hey?
Sale on flesh over here!
Ruby?
' Deb!
What's going on?!
- Get on the roof! Trust me!
- I don't trust you!
- Yahtzee!
- Did I hurt you in a past life or something?
- I just thought, maybe you're right.
Maybe they'll find a cure for this someday.
- Well, if I can change one mind...
- Hey, you saved a zombie, kid,
you didn't undo apartheid.
- Okay, let's go find your peeps.
Hang in there, rubes.
- It's up here on the right.
Good. That's Stacy's car.
I'm glad she knew to come here.
- Yay. So glad Stacy isn't dead.
- Look, Deb, i hope this isn't going to be-
are you out of you mind?! - What?
We both agreed we were not gonna leave this car again.
- Until we get here, yeah!
Obviously, we have to get out to collect them.
- We don't even know if they're in there.
- Trust me. They are.
We always get together on the fourth.
It's my dad's favorite holiday.
- Well, prepare yourself.
They may not be the people you remember.
- Oh, I have no doubt they'll be unrelenting,
flesh-eating monsters
but I bet they won't be zombies.
- Okay. I deserve the things I want.
My needs are worthwhile.
I'm not hurting anyone by being myself.
- What are you doing, rain man?
- I like to take a second to center myself
every time I come here.
I deserve the things I want.
My needs are worthwhile.
L'm not hurting anyone by being myself-
- I want to be supportive and all,
but is this mantra much longer?
- Whoa.
Oh man, what is it again?
- Well, why don't you try Stacy's phone number?
- Will you just give it a rest, alright?
You're like the Terminator of sarcasm.
- You know, i drove you here in my car.
And you've been treating me like I'm just a bag
of wet diapers you have to lug around.
- Well, that actually sounds less shitty
than whatever we got going on now.
Oh, wow.
You know, I thought you were a cool guy back in the bar,
but now I find out you're some spoiled pretty boy.
- Excuse me. "Pretty boy"?!
I have a very masculine set of features, okay?
If anything, my look is "burnished rugged."
- Nobody who is that, says that. - I do.
- Your hair has not moved this entire time.
- It's thick, it requires maintenance.
You have no idea!
- You haven't taken a shower since yesterday,
and yet you still smell like sandalwood and lilac!
- Oh! Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to distract you from being
the weirdest person in the world!
Yikes!
(Gunshon
- oh god! Chaz.
Did you change the gate code?
- Depends.
How do I know you're not...
One of them?
- Because I'm speaking in words.
- What about her? - Gimme a break, Chaz.
- Hi, I'm Deb.
(Gunshob - oh!
Will you knock it off?!
- You're Ryan's big brother? You're so... different.
- Thanks.
We think he's adopted. - Oh, that never gets old.
- Can we please come in?
We've had a really long day.
- Wait. Excuse me, wait.
- What are you? Are you the rebound?
- Busted! How did you know, dude?
You're probably an uncle now.
No.
- I knew it.
- No, no. That's not- Stacy's here, right?
- Oh, she told me all about your big breakup, stud.
Looks like you didn't waste too much time
moving on, now did ya? - No, that's not-
we're just helping each other.
- I'm sure you are.
(Gunshon
Deb? I'm Chaz.
Clearly the more masculine of the two waverly brothers.
- You're a good shot.
- I aim to please.
- Okay. Open the gate.
- Well, you need the code, man.
- Okay-
- do you want it? - Yes!
- Okay, it's five, eight, zero, zero, eight.
That's "boobs" upside down.
- Wow, a gentleman, too. - Yeah.
- Ooh la la.
Thank you, Chaz.
(Gunshon
- whoa'. - Ah'. Geez.
- Dad?!
- Whoa.
This is like straight out of "meet Joe black."
:81')?!
- Oh my rye bread, you're all right!
We thought for sure- - no, no. I'm okay.
- Hey Stacy, did you meet Deb?
She came here with Ryan. Together.
- Where did you creep up from?
- Oh, I just came with rye bread.
- They helped each other get across town.
God knows what they had to do to survive,
isn't that swell?
- So helpful.
Do we tip her, or...?
- It was nothing. I was just... One hand stroking the other.
Friends with benefits, as they say.
- I'm glad you made it.
- Whoa! - Dad!
- Dad, look, I've been thinking,
I'm really sorry for what I said on the phone last night.
I've been thinking all day and I was worried
that those might be the last words
we ever said to each other.
- Could I see you in the kitchen for a moment?
I need a little help with my brownies.
- Mr. waverly?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Whoo. - I always help him with the brownies.
Hey, Deb, how much you bench?
- Right now? - Yeah.
" Forty?
- How could you be so boneheaded?
- Stacy's here, she's not family.
- Stacy's inner circle!
She's been here since last night, for god's sake.
- She has?
- The point is,
I spoke with the governor on the short-wave.
He's arranged a chopper evac
at the county line at 0900 hours tomorrow.
For the four of us. Not five.
- I'm sure Deb can squeeze in.
- Oh.
You're a big man now all of a sudden, huh?
Why did I not get the memo?
Well, this is bigger than you are, smart guy.
And you'd know that if you'd listened on the phone last night
instead of blathering on about your principles.
- Wait, so-
you knew last night that people were gonna turn into zombies?
- No. No, no, no.
These people aren't... What you said.
They're just ordinary citizens,
who happen to have contracted
a parasite-borne virus
that makes their corporal bodies decompose
and gives them an insatiable appetite for human flesh.
- Oh my god.
The water.
- Now Ryan, come on.
It's just a very complicated situation, alright?
We haven't got our arms around all the details yet.
- Well, get your arms around this:
Deb's coming with us!
- That's not an option.
- If you leave her out, i go too.
I promised her I would get her out of town,
and I'm keeping that promise.
Hmm.
You can't talk, Stacy, while I'm shooting. - I didn't.
- So, you're saying people became zombies
last night if they drank the city water?
- Or bathed in it.
Which explains how you were spared.
- Stacy! Deb is my guest, please.
- What? I'm not trying to be mean,
I'm just going by the look of her hair
and face and clothes.
But Ryan, you take a shower like every ten minutes.
Why didn't you turn...
Unless...
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Hi-oh!
Longest walk of shame ever!
- No! No! That's not-
nothing happened, we both just passed out.
- I mean... Something "happened."
- I'm sure it did.
While you two were getting gross with each other...
I took care of Stacy and her pussy cats.
- Ryan?
You were right, and I was wrong.
I've decided to keep the nutmeg in.
- I'm... glad you see it that way. - Mm-hmm.
- Nutmeg can be a bit much at times,
but that's no reason to abandon it.
- You guys are, what, trading recipes now?
When did that start happening?
- Chaz, would you give your ears a rest please?
- Okay, yeah.
- The important thing is we're safe.
We're all safe!
(Gunshon
- ho- holy frijoles!
- Oh man.
- Topper?
You still have that giant boozehound on the payroll?
Hi, Ryan.
- That "giant boozehound"
saved your privileged little ass numerous times
when you were a boy.
- Topper, just keep walking the perimeter
or no brownie for you.
- Yeah. Like when Leah schiffer
discovered me at hide-and-seek,
and got put in the hospital?
She didn't walk right ever again.
- Leah didn't play by the rules.
Society crumbles without rules. - Amen, pop.
- And speaking of crumbling...
I'm pretty sure my brownies must be cool enough by now.
Shall we all adjourn to the living room?
Leah schiffer.
Easy does it there.
Mmm.
Will you look at that, huh?
- Sorry, I'm still stuck on this water thing.
- It's boring stuff, dear.
Little bit too technical.
- Well, does it have to do with the
ultraviolet treatment process
that you're testing at waverly water?
- What?
No. Not according to public record.
Where did you ever hear such a preposterous fabrication?
- Well, I keep my ear to the ground for my job.
Deb clarington, news channel seven?
Your system is supposed to cut the cost
of purifying our water by half, right?
That's... Brilliant and ambitious.
- Well, yes. It was supposed to be a boon for the entire town.
- And we could sell the surplus to the bottling companies.
- But weren't you supposed to still be in beta
on the process?
- We-well, we were.
- Then, why the rush, frank?
- I told the governor that we needed more time.
That the pre-filters weren't catching
all the bio pathogens yet.
But he- he insisted that we roll it out before the holiday
so he could squeeze it into the q2 budget.
- And by "insisted,"
I'm sure you mean he gave you a huge kickback.
- How were we supposed to know that it was
gonna be a banner year for the ichabod virus?
The same thing that wiped out the indigenous wakanabi Indians?
- Wabenaki Indians, pop.
- Wabenaki Indians.
- I'm supposed to be proud of you,
that you wiped out the entire population of our town?
- You see that? You always go to the negative.
- I'm proud of you, pop. - Always.
- Population or no population.
- Come on. Relax now, babe.
We've got some catching up to do.
- Okay. Well, jeeze, it's been a hoot,
but I think I need to skedaddle down the road.
- No, Deb. Wait.
- Why, Ryan?
- You can't go back out there.
My dad arranged a helicopter for us in the morning.
Plus, you must be exhausted. We hardly slept last night.
- You know those times when you can taste
your own stomach acid?
I have that right now.
- I know what you mean.
- You know, I'm gonna be just fine, chief.
This was the deal.
We got you here, and now I'm gonna get on to my own family.
Thanks for the mammories.
- Nobody's going anywhere!
Till they taste one of my freedom brownies.
Chaz, give this to topper?
- You got it, pop. - For close range kills.
Stay.
The brownies are a 4th of July tradition
that we started when Ryan's mother was alive.
You remind me of her, in a way.
- I think we did that, like, twice.
- Well, if it means that much to you... of course.
- Yes.
- Ooh...
- Hmm? - You guys. That is-
so... good.
- I'm surprised Chaz hasn't added creatine
to his brownie yet.
- Hey, I'm just trying to stay strong for all of us.
What're you gonna do when the shit hits the fan,
huh, little brother?
You gonna attack 'em with your hair dryer?
Is that what you're going to do?
Huh, little brother?
- Whoa! Stop it. - Hey, hey, hey!
- Noogie. Noogie - stop it!
- Get off me!
- I'm gonna give you a noogie. - Get off of me!
- You guys are acting worse than those...
Things out there.
- No. I thought they were just ordinary citizens
who got a little wet.
- Shut up, you little piss-ant.
- I'm gonna wet Willy him, pop!
- I got him! - Hey, come on!
- You numbskulls. You idiots.
If your mother- stop it! - I got him.
- He can't get up, I got him. - Stop it!
- He's trapped.
- "Through the night rode Paul revere
and so through the night went his cry of alarm
through every middlesex village and farm
a cry of defiance, and not of fear!"
- What the bejeezus was that?
- That was longfellow. Deb's favorite.
- Ah, longfellow. You know he's from here.
Maine. Portland.
- You know, maybe it's not my place, but
you guys are with family.
We're lucky we're even alive.
- You see that, boys?
The little redhead's right!
It's the 4th of July, for god's sake.
- You're right. Yeah.
Let's blow some shit up, yeah?
- Yeah?
- Wait for it.
- Now? - Wait for it.
- Yeah. - Here comes the good part.
There it is.
- Oh wow. - Check that out.
- That's great. - Sweet.
Up next, i got a big aerial display.
It explodes and then a roaring bear face comes out.
- No, no. No, that's enough, that's enough.
We don't want to attract too much attention.
- What? Dad, I got all these m-80s-
you don't want to see the bear face?! - No.
No, I do not.
- - I shouldn't have even let you do this one.
Okay everybody, drink up. I'm gonna turn in.
We have to have our wits about us in the morning, so-
- ooh, quick question. - Yeah?
- Where's everyone sleeping?
Oh.
Well, Ryan and Stacy will stay in Ryan's old room,
and Deborah, over there, how you doing there, hon?
- I'm fine.
Okay.
She's gonna be in your room. Alright?
And you're gonna stand watch with topper.
- Mmm. - Come on. Walk with me.
- Humph. - Walk with me, Chaz.
- Come. - Uh.
- Come on.
I'm so glad you're home safe, babe.
- Yeah. Thanks.
- I'm gonna need your help with Ryan
in the morning.
- How do you mean?
- His new friend isn't coming with us.
- The adorable little ginger girl?
- I'm sure he'll throw a hissy fit.
- How- how are we gonna sneak out without her?
- I put enough horse tranquilizer in that brownie
to keep her sleeping through August.
I'm surprised she's even still on her feet. - Yeah.
- I'm sure she'll be going down for the count soon.
Hey, don't go soft on me now, boy.
She works for the news,
we don't want her doing some story on the water supply.
- No. - No.
Sometimes, you gotta put your own oxygen mask on first.
- Hmm? - Put my oxygen mask on first?
- Right.
- First. - Ow.
- Alright.
And Chaz? - Yeah, pop?
- Stop trying to bang Stacy.
Once was enough.
- If only it was.
- Oh, don't you tell me you're falling in love with her.
Ryan's back. Be realistic.
- What?
Is it totally unrealistic to think that I could be
the special one for once?
I mean, what's he got that I don't got?
Besides your great eyes.
- You gotta stay focused, boy. - Uh-huh.
- You hear me? Stay focused. - Okay.
- We gotta keep our shit straight
if we're gonna make it through this thing.
- Keep our shit straight. - Keep it straight.
Thanks, pop. - Yeah.
- Thanks for the rap, pop. - Okay.
Okay.
Okay! Alright.
Now you better get back to your post. - Okay.
- "Portland's water runs through him"?
Ew. Gross.
- I think you can forgo your sit-ups tonight.
I'll give you a workout.
- Wow. Uh. Stacy-
- I'm talking about sex.
- No, I know.
Um, I'm gonna sleep here on the floor, alright?
You take the bed.
A let's happened since you broke up with me.
- Are you gonna keep throwing that in my face?
- No. Hey, look, we need to talk, alright?
I think you were right to dump me.
- Ryan, you need to stop being a martyr, okay?
This is a sure thing.
Just relax.
- No, wait, i, I, I, I mean-
I'm saying... We want different things.
- Oh, really?
And what do you want? That nerd?
- Could you keep your voice down?
- What does she do for you, Ryan?
She ride you like this?
Like, oh yeah!
Oh, Ryan! You're the best!
Oh, yes. Oh, Ryan!
Oh yes. You're the best!
Oh yeah, Ryan! Oh yeah!
Oh yes! Oh, take me to comic-con!
Oh, yeah! Oh, Ryan!
Oh yes! - Stop it! Cut it out!
Oh yea ' h, r oh!' Van!
Oh, yeah. Oh, Ryan. Oh yeah.
- Yeah, Ryan! I shop at target! - Stop it! Cut it out!
Shh.
- Oh yeah, Ryan...
Oh yeah. Oh, Ryan!
Oh yes! Yes! - Cut it out!
" Oh yeah, Ryan! Oh, yeah!
Oh yes! Oh, take me to comic-con!
Oh yes!
- Oh, Ryan! Oh yes! - Cut it out!
- Oh yeah! Oh yeah! - Stacy, stop! Stacy, stop!
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! - Stop! Stop! Please!
- Oh, yes! Oh, Ryan!
I only wear vintage clothes! - Shh. Shh.
You're acting insane.
- What the-
if that cooze let out my cats so help me!
Trixie?
Mayhem]?
Trixie?!
Oh!
Chaz!
- Ryan! - What?
- The bastards have surrounded the house!
Time to put on your big boy pants, son!
- Dad, you don't have to talk to me
like I'm some kind of kid.
- Aim high.
And I'm not talking about life goals...
Shoot them in the head.
Let's move!
- Stacy,
how could you do that to me?
Didn't last night mean anything to you?
- Yeah, of course it did!
I think.
But, you know, Ryan is just so good-looking, you know?
That one's coming fast, Chaz.
Chaz?
Chaz, that one's coming kinda fast!
Chaz?!
Ah! Ah! Ow!
Ah! Stop it!
I'm too pretty to die!
Zombie bastards!
- Yeah, that a boy. Good job.
Chaz! Look out behind you!
"Ah!
- He's been bit. - Oh no, Chaz.
- He's been bit. Get him on the couch.
I'll take care of the door.
♪ I am not impressed by your puzzle
♪ I have already figured out I
what the-?
On! Oh, god. Ruby!
Honey, I'm so sorry.
I completely forgot you were in there.
What the-? Sh-
oh, I must be the most selfish person in the world.
Here I am,
acting like I'm doing you some kind of favor
by keeping you alive.
Deluding myself that there might actually be a cure for this.
But really I just...
I can't bring myself to end it for you.
I never would have talked to Ryan without you.
And though I deeply regret meeting that
elitist man-whore...
For one night, damn it, i lived, Ruby.
I lived.
What the ding-dong?
- Look sharp, people!
- Hi, could you shut it off, please?
Shut it down- thank you.
- Hi. - Good morning.
Good morning.
- So I guess you guys have heard about
the zombies in town.
- Zombies? Zombies?!
Guys, she says there's zombies.
Yeah, we've heard about the zombies.
That's why we're here.
So if you wouldn't mind taking the keys out
and coming inside that tent...
We got a little bit of coffee
and a whole lot of questions for you.
If we're gonna be honest here,
I was really looking forward to putting some distance
between me and this town.
I get it. I get it.
You're like "who's this powerful muckety-muck
trying to cramp my style,
when all I wanna do is try on lipstick,
and chase guys, and get as far as I can
from those gosh-darn flesh-eaters."
Am I right?
- If I say "yes," will you let me go?
- Let me put it this way.
That's a no.
N'
- hey, I got some John cougar mellencamp.
That always used to cheer you up.
- It's just John mellencamp now, dad.
And I haven't listened to him on purpose in twenty years.
- Son, I liked Stacy.
Although I'm not sure that she was the girl
your mother would have wanted you to marry...
I am sorry she got her brains eaten.
- Don't do this, dad.
- Do what? I'm just being real here.
- I'm not ready to be cool with you.
- Oh, good.
You think I wanted any of this, huh?
Look at Chaz back there.
When he turns,
who do you think's gonna have to put him down?
For all of his faults i loved that boy
like he was my own son.
- What do you mean?
- Well, Chaz was adopted.
You knew that, right?
- Son of a bitch. He was adopted?
- Bottom line is,
you and i have to stay positive
and remember how fortunate we are
to be in the governor's good graces.
- Fortunate? - Yes.
- If you weren't so deep into the governor's "good graces,"
we wouldn't be in this mess.
- Well, we're almost out of it, okay?
Ow. God-
buy a girl a drink first, will ya?
- I'm sorry about that business there.
Sincerely.
- I'm not infected.
I wasn't bitten. - I know, Deb.
I know.
We just have protocols we have to follow.
- You guys aren't real military, are you?
- What is "real"?
Is "real" like a construct of our own subconscious?
Or... is this "real"?
Is it "real"?
Are any of us "real"? - Yeah.
The rest of us are real.
- Alright, we're a private security firm,
hired to handle this situation.
- Whoa! Well, you guys are doing a bang-up job!
- Thank you. - I'm being sarcastic.
What are you gonna do now, kill me? - Kill you?
Deb! That hurts me!
Come on. I am a father, alright?
Look. Look at these...
Look at these little... Two little boys.
Those are my kids.
They are adorable, right? - Yeah.
- Now could I go back
and look at these little angels in their eyes
with murder on my brain?
I don't think so, Deb.
Nope.
Your test was negative. You are free to go.
- Oh.
Awesomesauce!
Okay, great.
Um... Oh, if you could just, uh,
get rid of that road block, I'll be on my way.
Oh, sorry.
I might have been a little confusing there.
You're free to go back.
- Wait, I'm sorry. "Back"?
- Yeah. Back to where you came from.
You can't ever leave that town
on kind of a "forever" type basis.
- Forever?
So, you're just gonna wall us all in with those things?
That's a fate worse than death!
You gonna tell that to your two lame-o kids?
- They're four and six, Deb.
They wouldn't understand the moral complexity
of that situation.
- Portland may be a small town,
but people are gonna notice if we disappear.
- The official story is radiation leak.
I don't think people are gonna be champing at the bit
to go check it out for themselves, believe you me.
- You're not gonna get away with this.
There...
People- people are gonna talk.
There's- there's social media. There's...
There's like, twerking. Myface.
- I don't think you've noticed but...
The Internet's shut down
and cell phones.
Deb, you would've had a better chance of getting out of here
if you were infected.
They're looking for case studies out there right now,
trying to figure out how to stop this thing.
- Wait! Wait!
I know frank waverly.
The governor is sending him a helicopter
and I'm supposed to be on it.
- You know frank waverly?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
- The rendezvous point is right up ahead here.
Throw a blanket over your brother.
We don't want to scare anybody.
- Oh god. He looks terrible.
- Oh jeeze. - God.
Whoa. Deb's car!
She's here! I hope she's okay.
- Was that girl ever okay?
Now let me do the talking.
- Some say shooting a gun is like an orgasm,
that must be why it's harder for women to shoot gun-
- what the hell is going on here?!
- Oh. Well, if it isn't don Juan DeMarco.
- No. No, that wasn't what it sounded like.
- Cop a squat here, one direction.
- I have very classic, masculine features, sir.
- Why is she restrained?
- Ah. You must be frank waverly.
- And you must be fond of digging ditches.
Because that's what you're gonna be doing
if I don't get some goddamn answers.
Now, you know the governor is sending-
- ls sending a helicopter. Yeah. I know.
- Hello, frank.
I thought I owed it to you to do this face to face.
You're not going anywhere.
- Governor! Why?
- We screwed the pooch, frank.
Well, you did.
At least that's how history is gonna show it.
- I have volumes of documentation.
This whole thing was on your demand!
- No. My people are at your home
and your office right now.
I don't think documentation is gonna be much of a problem.
- Well, you self-serving son of a-
uh!
Let the young ones go.
They had no part in this.
- I wish I could, frank.
Colonel Newton?
I think you saw these three try to rush the border.
I think you had to use some extreme measures to stop them.
And I think you succeeded.
- Sir.
- Goodbye, frank.
- Wait.
My dad has more than enough motivation
to keep quiet.
And I'm his son. - So?
- So, the only wild card here is her.
She's a reporter.
Wait. I'm not a reporter.
I mean, I would like to be a reporter,
I'm trying to be a reporter- - she films everything.
She's documented this whole disaster
with this tiny little hidden camera.
Somebody's gonna find that footage one day.
Wouldn't you like to get your hands on it right now?
- I patted her down myself, i did not find a camera.
- Deb, just give it up.
They're gonna search Otis eventually.
- Otis!
That's her car.
The footage is in her car! Let's go!
You, with me!
The car!
I've got the glove box. Dekker, you pop the hood.
- Try the trunk!
- No! Not the trunk.
- Pop it.
- Uh, governor? Sir?!
Mr. governor...
- What the- damn thing.
- What-? Holy shi- oh man, oh man.
Get that, get that, get that-
- ah. - Uh.
Hey, man. That was an accident.
That was a mistake, man.
Don't do it. Put your gun down.
I didn't mean to shoot him.
Come on, we know each other.
That was just a big mist-
"ah!
- Oh, this is all my fault.
- It's customary to say something like,
"no no, no, no, no, don't beat yourself up,"
words to that effect.
- Don't be too hard- - never mind.
It really is my fault.
But I'm going to make it right, for the two of you.
- What are you talking about? - Frank?
- Ooh, I'm bleeding out! Bleeding out!
- Come on!
- Ruby! No!
- Huh?
- Go. Go.
Lets go! - Okay.
- Dad!
- Ryan.
Ryan, I shoulda been there more for you
when you were growing up.
I could've helped you be a little more rugged.
- Why are you talking like that?
You're coming with us!
Like this?
I'm gone, son.
Bit by a zombie in a god-awful sweater.
Now listen up.
You stay with that girl Deb. Alright?
She's good for you. She's got moxie.
- Head back into Portland and stay alive
till this blows over.
I'm gonna buy you some time.
Go take care of her. Go on!
Go!
Ii
alright, come on!
End it for me, you pissants!
My dad.
Chaz. Stacy.
I can't believe they're all gone.
Nobody left to tell me what to think,
or what to say...
It's kind of scary, actually.
- That time my family was up on the roof?
That forth of July? And saw my dad?
- Yeah?
- He wasn't fixing the barbecue.
He was in my neighbor's backyard,
with no pants.
He was exposing himself to their family dog.
- Whoa.
- Apparently, he'd been doing it for months.
Basset hound.
He moved out after that.
I've never told that story to anyone.
- We're never gonna get out of here, are we?
- Does not look like it.
- All the roads will be blocked just like that one.
They'll be looking for us especially.
- Hmm. On the bright side:
No more lines at the dmv.
- Yeah.
I bet some of those workers would be more lively
as zombies.
Mm. Organ donor.
Delicious!
What was that?
Is that-? - That's my zombie.
- I didn't know zombies sounded like that. - Yeah.
You've never heard them, right? - No, I haven't heard them talk.
Oh my god.
Only you could make me laugh at a time like this.
That's mostly what I remember about the night that we hung out.
Was you just cracking me up.
No one thinks I'm funny.
They just think I'm strange or awkward or...
I say the wrong thing.
I'm so dumb to think that i could be an on-air anchor.
- I think you'd make a great news anchor.
Plus, I always wanted to slap the tan off right off of
Brent masters' face.
- Oh.
- Oh, my god, Ryan...
Ryan, we have to go. Now.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the fire?
- You mentioning Brent masters back there...
If the outside world could see what's actually going on here,
the government would have to do something.
The people would demand it. We'd have a chance.
- Yeah, but how?
All communications have been shut down:
Phone, cable, Internet, cell towers...
- Not satellite.
Get the lead out!
Our signal goes out to most of the outlying counties,
sometimes as far as Canada.
- Where is everyone, though?
I don't know.
I mean, it would be a skeleton crew
because of the holiday, but...
The morning staff briefing.
Livelier than usual.
- Hey, that's misti Raines, weather.
Still smiling.
- She's got so much Botox in her face
I don't know if she's ever going to decompose.
- And that's Jerry Chavez, sports.
- Oh, and he brought his wife's famous cupcakes.
Oh, Brent masters.
Even as a zombie, his hair is camera perfect!
Oh, is he coming?
- Urn, yeah.
- He was always mean to me,
but I'm gonna do him proud.
- Okay. Let's- let's go.
Control room's in here.
We could- oh.
- We have to turn the signal back on.
- Wow! You really know what you're doing.
- Yeah, I have my moments,
despite my track record.
- Here? What's this do?
- Okay, don't touch that.
And that's it,
you just lock the camera off on the anchor desk.
- On you, right?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess.
- What's wrong?
- Uh, I'm just, uh,
so used to working the camera.
Maybe I should do that, and you can do the announcement.
- Deb? Listen to me. - What?
- Not only is this an insanely perfect opportunity
for you to live your dream,
but people need to know what's happening here.
- What about you, Ryan waverly?
Are you living your dream?
- I want to be a personal life coach.
So yes.
- Well played, sir.
Okay.
You know, I'm gonna go clean up.
I can't make my broadcast debut with a scrunchie in my hair.
- Okay. Alright. - Okay.
- I'll be here. Hurry.
Okay.
- Deb? Are you all-
right?
- What do you think?
Is this okay for camera?
- It's, urn... You're perfect.
- I raided the weather girl's locker.
Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay, this is how i always see them do it.
In five,
four,
three...
- Good afternoon, I'm Deb clarington.
It was an independence day for the ages,
as a bizarre disease ran rampant through this
normally peaceful seaside community yesterday.
Homes were destroyed.
Countless family members lost...
And thousands left to wander,
in search of the only thing that would quench their now
insatiable appetites:
Live human flesh.
Unbelievable?
Maybe.
It certainly would be easier to swallow the coverup story,
about a radiation leak.
Indeed for all we know, there are only two souls left
uninfected in this once happy Hamlet.
Is it worth sending people in to save a fledgling newscaster
and her cameraman life coach?
Two days ago, i might've said no.
But then another story broke.
This one easier to believe for most...
But for this reporter,
it's the headline of the decade:
"Woman falls in love."
Sure, it happens every day, all over the world
but not to me.
Maybe a crisis like we have here speeds things up a bit,
but I don't think it can create something from nothing.
And even though this person may not return my affections
and I'm really not fishing here.
It's okay.
I'll always know, deep down, that he felt something, too.
So, I'm Deb clarington, saying "yes,
I think these two are worth saving."
So if you're watching out there, please tell the authorities
to send help to Portland, Maine-
" nm!
- No
Deb. Deb, I'm here.
- Hey,
- listen to me:
That's the greatest newscast anyone's ever seen.
Seriously, you'll probably win a peabody or something.
- Am I...
Better than Brent masters?
- Crazy better.
- Wait. "Crazy," like, i was like a crazy person?
- Shh.
- Can we get, like, two seconds?!
I don't know how long i have left.
- Yeah, I guess we've never seen anyone turn before.
Listen, Deb... - Yeah?
- If you want me to...
I could, um-
I mean, if you want.
- You would shoot me in the head?
- Well, i-
what? I thought-
I guess it'd only be one tap now.
It was your idea first!
- Tonight's top story,
a bizarre twist regarding a reported radiation leak
in Portland, Maine.
Now a broadcast apparently originating
from within the quarantine zone
went viral on the Internet just hours ago
prompting a lot of people to wonder,
what exactly is going on here?
- I'm Deb clarington, saying "yes,
I think these two are worth saving."
So if you're watching out there,
please tell the authorities to send help
to Portland, Maine-
ah! Ah!
No! No!
- Nine-one-one emergency centers in several states
report being flooded with calls
in response to the alleged zombie attack.
Some are calling to ask if the video is real,
while many others are concerned for the safety
of these two people.
- A background check on Deb clarington
revealed that is in fact employed at the station
from which she's broadcasting,
but as a camera person not an anchor.
Prior to that,
she was employed at a lady footlocker
until she was let go
for staging an unauthorized sock puppet production
of "Jesus Christ superstar."
- A lot has been said about videos going viral,
but for Deb clarington it's more like an outbreak.
The hits on her zombie attack clip is impressive enough,
but it's the number of her viewers weighing in
and creating their own online videos
that's truly staggering.
- As the chairman of the "zombie outbreak
authentication society"
I happen to know zombies, and that is not real.
It's too tan.
- I can tell bad effects work from a mile away
and this is the real deal, man. It's not bogus.
- Okay, that girl is my new hero.
What is going on right now?
- Deb, if you're still alive out there.
I want you to know... You are so hot!
- They say they're in Maine?
That's not even a real state.
- Deb honey, encouraged by your example,
I told a co-worker that he is the love of my life.
He's my boss, and happily married...
So we both agreed it best that I look for anothe rjob.
- Originally, I planned to debunk this vid
using basic physics.
Then, I thought about recreating part of it with some friends,
but those idiots actually think this thing is real.
- Is the video real, professor, in your own opinion?
- I believe that the woman in the video believes it's real.
Now, how sure are you?
- Well, she exhibits all five signs
of a person who is speaking the truth.
I expound more on this, of course, in my book,
"the five signs of truth."
Which is available today on my-
- what the fudge?
- As night falls on Portland, Maine,
more questions than answers.
Repeated calls to the governor's office from this station
and many others around the country
have gone unanswered,
but we will not rest until we get to the bottom
of this situation.
And now how about this hilarious cat video?
♪ Na-na, na-na, na, na ♪
- Yes! Deb!
You did it!
They'll have to investigate now. They'll just have to!
- Well, I'm really happy for you, Ryan.
But let's get real here.
We both know, in a few minutes,
I'm gonna be trying to eat your brains.
- Well, the joke's on you, then,
because it'll be a small meal.
- Really.
You're starting to look so delicious right now.
- And you're starting to look like you've
lost a lot of blood.
- Does it matter at this point?
- It matters to me. Where's the first aid kit?
- I think it's in the break room,
but it's too far unless we go through the studio.
- Then let's go.
- Okay-
- no. No, no, no.
- Whoa, whoa. I have an idea.
Hear me, undead!
This man is a friend to us, he means us no-
oh, god. I regret that!
Ah!
- Oh, that was awesome!
- Ladies first!
- Oh, wrong way.
Come on!
Ii
- stairs!
N'
- go.
Deb! Deb, come on. We gotta get going.
- No. - Get up.
- Ryan, it's the end of the line for me.
- Okay, l'll- I'll carry you. Come on.
- Where?
Listen, we've had a good run
but I'm starting to get hungry.
I can really see myself going to town on your liver...
Your spleen...
Maybe a couple pancreas'.
- Your pancreas is actually singular.
- Oh, well, thank you, bill nye.
Whoa.
Hey, hey. Stay with me, stay with me.
- Ryan, what are you still doing here?
You could outrun misti Raines easily,
and now you're bound to end up like one of us
or die a horrible death.
- I'd rather take that risk
than be without the people I care about.
- The people you...?
Oh. You mean me.
Duh.
I'm the people you care about.
- I really wish we'd gotten to watch the fireworks
together on your roof.
That would've been awesome.
But now I'm starving.
- Okay. Hey-
here.
Do what you gotta do.
- Thank you.
- Got 'em!
Hey. What's up? How ya doin'?
Deb, right?
We are huge fans.
You're good to go!
- Oh. Wait, what?
- You have a bite wound there.
Just keep it clean and change that bandage daily.
- No, she was bitten by a zombie.
- You're talking about what those people back there have?
- Yeah.
- You can't get that from biting.
- Yeah, that is really an archaic way of thinking.
I mean, a biter would have to have an open wound
in his mouth, literally gushing blood.
- Even then it's, like, a thousand to one.
What are you, some kind of zombi-phobe?
- No, no.
A lot of my best friends are zombies.
Probably.
We're just messing with you.
- These things are hideous.
- They're filthy.
But you can't get it from a bite so...
- Turns out it was in the water or something!
- Who knew?
- You said you wanted to eat me.
- Yeah, that's embarrassing.
- You talked about internal organs,
I mean, it got really specific.
- Well, I was delirious, okay?
- You sure you don't want to now?
- You said some things, too.
- I know I did.
- So, it's safe to assume that you like me.
- Hey, how did you guys figure out this virus so fast?
- Oh, we had a little help.
- Dad?!
- Ha-ha, Ryan!
Hey, Deb! What a night, huh?
Turns out, biting doesn't turn you.
- Yeah, we heard.
But how did you escape those troops?
- Well, like I said. Biting doesn't turn you.
Come on! What're you waiting for?
I'm already bit, you dumb pansies.
- Drop the weapon! - Come on, finish me!
- Ow. My head is killing me!
- We are approaching. Put it down!
- Make me, you dumbass!
- Dale! Chowder! Mad dog!
Chaz.
Jazzy chazzy.
That's my pop. Be careful with him, okay?
- Son! - Pops, we play billiards.
Be cool, that's my pops!
- That's my boy!
- Yep. Came to save you.
I wonder where Ryan is?
Off with his new girlfriend probably.
I don't see him.
What's up, douche?
- We're alive and we're under arrest!
- That's my boy. - Yeah!
- Now come on...
Hurry up and kiss the girl.
- Oh. - I got a date with the feds.
The town's overrun with zombies so,
they're gonna be bombing the hell out of Portland soon.
- Whoo!
Come on.
- I'm sorry i tried to eat you.
You don't have to kiss me.
- No, I was going to anyway.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
- Whoa! - Whoa!
♪ No matter what you do
♪ I'll keep my heart with you
♪ I'll wait through the war
♪ I try to push away
♪ though you know I'll stay
♪ and wait through the war
♪ with the days marching on
♪ I stumble, going through the paces
♪ like a bark to a bone
♪ I cried out, seeing all the faces
♪ no matter what you do
♪ I'll keep my heart with you
♪ I'll wait through the war
♪ I try to push away
♪ though you know I'll stay
♪ and wait through the war
♪ the night turns into day
♪ I'm hiding, shadows on the riverside
♪ with the years wiped away
♪ I stayed with you would call a suicide
♪ no matter what you do
♪ I'll keep my heart with you
♪ I'll wait through the war
♪ I try to push away
♪ though you know I'll stay
♪ and wait through the war
♪ no matter what you do
♪ I'll keep my heart with you
♪ I'll wait through the war
♪ I try to push away
♪ though you know I'll stay
♪ and wait through the war e
n'
♪ one night stand with no intentions
♪ wake up in the mornin'
♪ oh man, we're gonna lose our heads
♪ don't drink the water, son
♪ it's infecting everyone
♪ it's the night, it's the night of the living Deb
♪ let me hitch a ride in your big brown car
♪ runnin' 'em down like we're playing pinball
♪ don't drink the water, son
♪ it's infecting everyone
♪ it's the night, it's the night of the living Deb
♪ hear what I said?
♪ Now, your daddy he may be rich
♪ he's a mean ol' son of a bitch
♪ it's the night, it's the night of the living Deb
♪ night of the livin' Deb
♪ night of the livin'