[silence]
¶¶ [jazz]
AARON: If you wanna be successful with women,
you have to overcome fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment,
fear of inadequacy, whatever.
You can't be afraid.
As a rule, if I look back...
and she looks back, too...
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm Aaron.
The intro is important.
But follow-up is everything.
A lot of guys wait two or three days to call.
I think that's stupid.
Women wanna feel wanted.
I call 'em that day.
Hey, sweetheart, it's Aaron.
We met earlier today.
I take 'em to my favorite spot right away.
Never the movies.
You want their attention on you,
not some jackass movie star.
Good conversation is important,
but making 'em laugh is even more important.
But to close the deal, you gotta make it sexy.
And I know all about making it sexy.
I work in advertising, which is all about seduction.
You have to seduce people to wanna buy what you're selling,
and I'm good at what I do.
Very good at what I do.
I find most women give it up on the first date.
Of course, they always give the disclaimer.
I never did it this fast with anybody before.
That means she always gives it up fast.
I just go along with it.
I feel so honored.
The worst part is afterwards
when you just want 'em to go home.
Hey, sweetheart.
Let's get you home, okay?
Don't want you driving home too late.
That was amazing. You're amazing.
Legs behind the head thing was mind-blowing. I mean...
Sorry. I just have to get up early.
Got a presentation.
These are really cute.
So are you. Um...
Call me. Make sure you got home okay.
Okay.
And no, I don't hate women. I love women.
I just don't fall in love with women.
I live a very blessed life.
I'm in my mid-30s, I got a great job,
no wife and no kids.
And I damn sure don't feel like I'm missing out
on the whole wife and kids thing.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't have anything against that lifestyle.
It's just not for me.
[no audible dialogue]
..9231.
- Got it. Talk to you soon. - Talk to you soon.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm on my way to meet Kayla,
and I'm trying to figure out how to tell her.
As many times as I've done this,
you'd think it'd be easy.
But Kayla's different.
I really like her.
I met Kayla walking down the street, too.
Well, I didn't actually meet her.
But that's the first time I saw her.
And when I saw her again, I knew I had to make a move.
Hi, I'm Aaron.
Of course I didn't wait to call.
I probably called Kayla faster than I've ever called anybody.
Hey, Kayla, how you doin'? It's Aaron.
We met about 35 minutes ago.
We went to the spot for dinner and all that,
but it was different.
Kayla was easier to talk to
than anybody I've ever gone out with.
I mean, I genuinely had a good time.
Shit, she was making me laugh.
Of course, I put the sexy on her.
But she put even more sexy on me.
I was sure Kayla would give it up on our first night.
After all, most women do, right?
Instead, we ended up laughing and talking all night.
Even though she didn't give it up,
I let her crash for the entire night.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I even let her stay for breakfast.
Next thing I knew, we were hanging out.
And I have to be honest.
I hadn't had this much fun since I was a kid.
But she still didn't give it up.
I couldn't believe I was just letting it happen.
The more I got to know Kayla, the more I got to like her.
She had a lot of good qualities.
She had a great job at an accounting firm,
she had her own place, she was single, no kids,
she wasn't crazy, she worked out,
she didn't smoke but she liked to drink,
she listened to jazz and reggae,
she watched sports,
she didn't go to church, but she believed in God,
she liked dirty jokes,
and most importantly, she was really smart.
Checkmate.
Really, really smart.
Trust me when I tell you,
when she finally gave it up,
it was worth the wait.
It was weird.
Even when I wasn't with her, I was thinking about her.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
That was when I realized the time had come.
Hey.
How was your day?
It was okay. How was yours?
Fantastic. Even better now that I saw you, cutie pie.
So you all ready for tonight?
Yeah, we got everything delegated and planned out.
It should be a good time.
I bet.
Kayla, there's...
There's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Yeah, there's something I need to tell you, too.
You first.
Okay. Um...
Well, I...
don't really know how to say this, so I...
I guess I'll just say it.
I got a job offer in Chicago.
It's with the same company doing the same job
for the same amount of money.
I put in for a transfer a couple months back
because, I don't know, I guess I just wanted a change.
That was before I met you.
I don't have to take the job.
I just basically wanted to run it by you to...
see what you thought before I made a decision.
Trust me, I'm not trying to put any pressure or cables on you.
Just wanna know what you thought.
So what do you think?
I think you should take it.
- You do? - Hell yeah!
Chicago is a great city.
Maybe a change is just what you need right now.
If I had a chance to move to Chicago,
I'd do it in a heartbeat. Hell yeah!
Thanks for being so supportive.
So what did you want to tell me?
Oh, you know, it was nothing.
I forgot it already.
But I am so stoked to hear about Chicago.
I mean, you are so lucky!
Maybe I can even come visit you sometime.
Hell yeah. Sorry to cut this short.
I'd better go and give my notice.
You guys have fun tonight.
- Congrats again, gorgeous. - Thanks.
You know what, Aaron? I was really hoping
that when I told you I was thinking about leaving
that you would say to me
you would slit your wrists with a butter knife
or drown yourself in a puddle
or throw yourself in front of a speeding yellow school bus!
Guess I was wrong.
You are a really great guy, Aaron.
You need to stop being so afraid.
Afraid of what?
For some strange reason, I have an urge to go after her.
But it's getting late, and I gotta pick up Sean.
[horn honking]
Oh, oh! One second, asshole!
And quit honking the goddamn horn in front of my house!
You knew I was coming, motherfucker! Hurry up!
[door slams]
Sean and I have always had a great relationship.
We've been best friends since the fourth grade
when I used to get shaken down for my milk money
by Biff Bartowski.
Sean used to get shaken down by Biff, too,
so we decided to join forces...
and get shaken down together.
Even then, we made a great team.
Finally, when our balls got a little bigger,
we beat the shit out of Biff Bartowski.
We've been best buds ever since,
all through elementary school, high school,
college roommates, joined at the fuckin' hip.
Most of all, we were into girls.
Lots and lots and lots
and lots of girls.
Sean and I always worked as a team.
Sean's an engineer.
Although his job isn't quite as sexy as mine,
he's good at what he does.
Very good at what he does.
Sean and I vowed to never, ever settle down.
Unfortunately, the rest of the fellas
were dropping like flies.
I swear, every month I got another invite
for another guy's wedding.
It was like getting their obituary.
And after our friends were married,
they were never the same.
It was like they were suffering
from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Sean and I were gonna live the fun life.
We gonna love them ho's!
Forever.
Ah!
Until one night...
Sean met Irene.
¶¶ [romantic]
Sean took Irene to dinner, kept her laughing,
blah, blah, blah.
But the idiot forgot his wallet and cell phone.
Turns out Irene only had seven bucks herself.
[record scratches]
To make a long story short, Irene washed and Sean dried.
I'll say this about Irene: She must've really liked Sean
because she went out with him again.
And again and again and again.
Sean had fallen in love.
I'm not a hater,
but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little...
disappointed.
What?
Now come the bad times.
About six months ago--
God, I don't even wanna say it--
Sean proposed to Irene.
Of course she said yes.
Believe me, I tried to talk some sense into him,
but Sean being Sean wasn't trying to hear it.
And now his dumb ass is getting married.
Tomorrow.
[car horn honking]
You motherfucker.
Gross, gross.
I've been trying to talk Sean out of this marriage madness
since he first proposed.
I've tried everything.
You gonna come up for oxygen anytime soon?
No? Okay.
Tonight is my last chance to save my best friend
- from eternal damnation. - Bye, honey!
- We miss you! - Bye, babe!
Desperate circumstances call for desperate measures.
I can't fuckin' stand her.
She's driving me crazy over not having enough goddamn chairs
for the reception.
Goddamn fuckin' chairs!
It looks like you have a lot to look forward to
getting married there, buddy!
[groans]
So is loverboy ready for tonight, huh? Huh?
Without a fuckin' doubt.
Yeah, bullshit.
Oh, you'll see. Tonight old Sean is back.
I just hope you're steppin' up your game.
Oh, don't worry about me, Kemosabe.
You just let me do what I do.
So where are we headin'?
Floyd's.
- [engine starts] - Floyd's.
Get the fuck outta here.
You get the fuck outta here.
We met Floyd in college.
Floyd has always been just like he is now:
straight-laced, God-fearing, organized,
responsible, nervous and uptight.
But if you really wanna understand Floyd,
we have to first talk about his wife Joy.
Floyd met Joy right out of college.
If you ask me, she basically strong-armed Floyd to marry her
'cause she knew Floyd would be a good partner.
She and Floyd made a lot of dough doing real estate,
even though Floyd does all the work
and Joy takes all the credit.
Joy really cracks the whip on Floyd, too.
We've seen her grab him by the collar
and shake him like she was his mama.
The company is in her name,
the house, the cars, the bank account.
She even-- [chuckles]
I shouldn't laugh because it's pretty bad.
She even gives Floyd an allowance.
Poor Floyd.
Luckily, Joy's out of town for the weekend.
Took me forever to convince Floyd
to let me host the bachelor party at his place.
It had to be somewhere special.
- Floyd! - Hey, Floyd!
I promised Floyd it would just be Sean
and his six groomsmen.
I mean, come on.
How out of control could that possibly get?
Yeah!
Floyd!
I'm shutting it down, Aaron.
We are already off to a very bad start.
A very, very, very, very, very bad start.
Okay, Floyd, take a deep breath and calm the fuck down.
[exhales]
We agreed! No drugs! [echoing]
SEAN: What are you talking about?
Your convict cousin is--
He's brought drugs into my house,
and he's preparing to do them as we speak!
Oh, shit, Jesse's already here?
- I'm sure it's just weed. - Just weed?
Yeah, in fact, maybe you should smoke some. It'll...
[whistles]
Stay cool. I'll take care of it.
No, I can't stay cool!
Aw, perfect.
Who's here?
Harold. It's Harold!
How you doin', Harold?
Harold is another buddy from college.
Harold's got a wife, two kids, and a big job at a bank.
Overall, he's a great guy.
But Harold has a serious problem.
Porno flicks, cybersex, porn magazines, strip clubs.
You name it, Harold's into it.
Harold is one of those guys who doesn't mind spending.
And he never wants to go home.
I mean, he never, ever, ever, ever wants to go home.
But if you went home with Harold and saw his wife,
you might understand.
I don't like to call people ugly,
but Harold's wife is fucking hideous.
And God forgive me for saying this:
Even the kids are ugly.
I can honestly say that tonight's event
means more to Harold than anybody.
And he's not even the one getting married.
Maybe you could come socialize, huh?
Hey, guys.
STANLEY: This is bullshit!
That chick I met on ChristianMingle?
Lesbian.
Then I spent all my goddamn money on this goddamn liquor.
Fuckin' in debt 'cause of that monkey suit.
This is bullshit, man! This is bullshit!
Stanley is Sean's older and only brother.
I call Stanley the ultimate pessimist
because he has to be the most negative motherfucker
to ever walk the planet.
He sees the negative side of everything,
especially when it comes to Sean.
- Freeze! - Ohh!
Shit! Just the motherfucker I wanna see. What's up, man?
You ready to tie the knot tomorrow, cousin?
You mean get sentenced?
Hey, man, you're lookin' good. It's a slick shirt, cousin.
That's the ugliest fuckin' shirt I've ever seen.
- You deal with that. - Thank you, Stanley.
According to Sean, Stanley's only been remotely happy
one time in his life.
Supposedly, this is a true fuckin' story.
Stanley had just gotten married.
He thought his wife was the most wonderful woman
on the entire goddamn planet.
Stanley was actually in love.
But that night,
a demon killed Stanley's wife
and took over her body.
[roars]
From that point on, Stanley lived with a demon.
The demon eventually divorced Stanley and took everything.
He's got three kids the demon won't let him see,
but he pays child support for.
He's got a bullshit job where he's overworked and underpaid.
He's in debt, the IRS is on his ass,
he's got high blood pressure.
I could go on, but it's all bad.
Sean wanted his big brother to be his best man.
But I don't think Stanley felt too honored.
I can't afford this. This party is costing me
an arm and three fuckin' legs, man!
I always feel kinda sorry for Stanley.
It has to be shitty to go through life
always seeing and expecting the bad in everything.
I'm probably gonna get cancer...
in my cock.
Hey, man, I've been waitin' on you.
The man of honor gets the first puff.
Yeah, boy.
Jesse is Sean's favorite cousin.
I guess you can say that...
Jesse is a little on the other side of the law.
Jesse's done some bad things.
[man shouting]
Some really bad things.
And he's been locked up more than a few times.
But despite his rap sheet, Jesse has a heart of gold.
Fortunately, Jesse was released just in time
to be a groomsman in the wedding.
Hey, man, you take care of that?
Oh, yeah, man, for sure. Butterfly's bringing her girls.
Butterfly?
Butterfly is Jesse's wife,
and she's just as tough as Jesse.
Butterfly's done some bad things.
[woman shouting]
Some really bad things.
But whenever Jesse gets locked up,
Butterfly writes him letters,
keeps money on his books and visits him.
Even I have to admit,
Jesse and Butterfly are perfect for each other.
One of Butterfly's many hustles is managing strippers.
According to Jesse, she's got real quality product.
- Fuckin' A! - [Jesse laughs]
Yeah, man, she's got a batch of 'em comin'.
But listen, Butterfly don't take no shit
when it comes to clients messin' with her girls.
Don't worry about it, man. Listen.
We're all respectable men.
- It's all good. - All right.
Let's have a good night then.
Wait a minute! Aaron, what is he doing?
Floyd, listen. Hey, listen.
Nobody is going to jail, okay?
- But we agreed. No drugs! - It's just marijuana.
Besides, it's medicinal. It's fine.
[doorbell rings]
Listen, I'm gonna get that. You just sit down right here.
Relax and, uh...
inhale.
Yeah, there you go.
Don't forget to lock the door!
- Hey, you wanna hit this shit? - No!
I was really hoping Miles could make it.
It's been a minute since we've seen him.
We're all so damn proud of him.
We get excited whenever we get a chance to see--
Gus?
The one and only.
Gus wasn't invited.
Now surely you assholes know
that a party ain't a party without the Gus-Man, right?
How did you know we were here?
Hey, you never know what to expect from ol' Gus.
Guess that's what makes me such an outstanding person.
[spits]
Whoo! Yes!
It reminds me of that game against Mount Vernon High.
You remember that game, right?
Sean and I know Gus from high school.
Most people don't like Gus.
To be honest, I'm not too crazy about him myself.
And I smashed that puck
right through that goalie's five-hole.
Gus has a lot of unlikeable qualities.
For instance, he's always talking about himself.
Always trying to be the center of attention.
I'm just the type of person whose light is so bright,
it's kinda hard to be around me, you know what I mean?
I'm the type of person who women just find themselves...
And always using big words out of context.
Because my style, it's irrevocable, you know?
It's ubiquitous to my atmospheric surroundings.
But before you pass judgment on Gus,
you have to understand what helped mold him
into the asshole he is today.
Although this might be hard to believe,
Gus used to be the shit.
When we were in high school,
Gus was the number one hockey player.
Everybody thought he was gonna go pro, especially Gus,
but his fucked-up attitude fucked up everything.
Now, 20 years later,
he's still trying to convince everybody
how great he still is.
Oh ho ho ho ho!
Look who's in the motherfucking hittee!
Hey, hey!
Who in the heck is this guy?
I don't know him. He's not one of the groomsmen.
Why is he in my house?
Uh, I'm Gus.
Surely you've heard Aaron and Sean tell stories
about my glory days in high school, hello?
I was the shit, no?
Never heard of you, Gus.
Now, would you please get out of my house?
Gus, this was sort of an invite-only kinda thing.
Oh, no, no, that's cool. I invited myself, yeah.
Will somebody please tell this guy
that a party ain't a party without the Gus-man?
Hello, hello! [laughs]
I'm here to see my boy Sean bitin' the poison apple!
[laughs]
Gus, if you don't leave,
I'll be forced to call the police.
Is he forced to call the police?
Man, fuck the police!
I ain't afraid of no popos!
My heart don't pump no Kool-Aid!
Besides, cops wanted me.
They were begging me to join their ranks,
They were begging me to join,
but then I realized I'm too law-abiding to be a cop.
[laughs]
Follow me on that one.
Okay, okay, that's it!
Last warning! It's gonna get ugly
if you don't get the heck out of my house!
Floyd, Floyd...
Floyd, Floyd, calm down.
Can you cut Gus a break, all right?
Okay, sorry.
Aaron promised it would be eight people total, including me.
Eight people total.
I hear you, and we're sorry.
Look, I will admit, Gus is an asshole.
But I would feel like a bigger asshole if I asked him to leave
after he came all this way to celebrate with me.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So can you just do me this solid, please?
You promise he won't touch me anymore?
We'll try our best.
- Okay. - Okay?
Good. You look sharp, by the way.
- Very GQ. - Yes.
Can I borrow that tie sometime?
- Of course! - All right.
- It's all good. - It's all good?
To be honest, I really wasn't worried.
You guys aren't crazy.
So how's life been treatin' you, Sean?
- Life's pretty-- - That is so great, man.
My life is just fantastic. Things are so good with me.
They're just so good, you know?
They just keep getting better and better.
My team is doing great.
Then again, how could they not be
with such a great and pulchritudinous leader,
you know what I mean?
Hey, so how's the missus, huh?
Or should I say soon to be missus?
- Irene, she's-- - Oh, man, my wife Mary-Lou,
she's hanging in there.
Once in a while, she gets a little mouthy,
nothing that a quick backhand or a right hook can't solve.
You know what I mean? Hey.
Word to the wise about marriage.
You better establish your dominance
coming right out the freaking gate
because if you do not,
you will live the rest of your days
as a henpecked, yellow-belly eunuch.
Believe me.
I know.
- Wow. - Yeah.
[laughs]
Wow, that's crazy. Speaking of which--
Hey, do you remember that game that I won for us
against Schroeder High in our junior year?
I just pulled that article out yesterday and read it.
They had us down by 11.
The entire team had given up, but not me.
No, no, no, no. I knew if I wanted that win,
I had to take over like a real man.
That's when I sliced that big overgrown bitch Whittaker
right across his face and made him bleed out of his chin.
He was crying, bleeding all over the eyes.
- Do you remember that? - [doorbell rings]
I think that's Miles.
GUS: You don't remember that game?
I slashed him right across his fuckin' face, remember?
I was the fuckin' hero, remember that?
Make sure you lock the door!
Oh, yeah, there he is! How you doin'?
How are you, brother?
Good to see you, man.
Miles went to high school with us, too.
Later this year, he'll be retiring from a very successful
professional hockey career.
He's pretty fuckin' rich and famous.
But despite his success,
Miles is probably the humblest and nicest guy I know.
All right, how's the fam?
Oh, the girl's too informed, man.
You gotta give 'em mind, man. They miss Uncle Aaron.
I would love to. I would love to, man.
- Is everybody here? - Yeah, everyone's out back.
Oh...
shit!
- What's up, man? - How are you?
- Good, man, good seeing you. - Good to see you.
I don't know if any of the other fellas
have ever noticed how much Gus hates Miles.
I don't even think Miles knows it.
Gus's grudge goes all the way back to high school
when Gus was number one and Miles was number two.
I guess I can understand why Gus would be a little envious.
Miles is a star hockey player.
Gus is a high school hockey coach.
Miles married a model.
Gus's wife is... nice.
Miles is a millionaire.
Gus is broke.
Everybody loves Miles.
Everybody hates Gus.
- Good to see you. - You, too.
Hey! There he is.
- Hey, brother. - Oh! Hey, yeah.
- Good to see you, Gus. - Mmm.
Oh, man, it's been too long. How's life treatin' ya?
Oh, man, everything's perfect with me.
It's just-- Couldn't be any better.
Got the fuckin' world by the ass!
- Nice. - What's up with you?
Oh, shit! I've been meaning to tell you.
I saw that game,
your last game that you played against the Ducks.
Your game seemed a little off, you know?
Like maybe you couldn't get around the ice like you used to.
Isn't that a shame when players play longer than they should?
A guy needs to know when his time has come and gone.
You know what I mean, don't you?
- Yeah, I feel you. - Yeah, cheers.
There's supposed to be some bitches coming, man.
I'll see you in there.
- What are you doing? - Nothing. Nothing.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
You were about to call Irene, weren't you?
What?
No! No.
- Give me your phone. - No.
Give me your fuckin' phone! Get the fuck outside!
All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm going.
Sean's got it bad.
Worse than I thought.
Although it's kinda weird not getting any calls
or texts from Kayla.
[romantic music]
We used to randomly send each other funny texts
and pics throughout the day.
And sometimes we just hung out,
not even talking or laughing.
Just silence.
Even when I was sick,
like the time I thought I had the bubonic plague,
Kayla still came around,
took care of me and made me laugh.
[romantic music continues]
[record scratches]
What the fuck am I doin'?
Hey, Stanley, is Uncle Ulysses coming?
How the fuck would I know?
Do I look like a goddamn party planner?
Fuck!
Tom Cruise-looking motherfucker!
Uncle Ulysses is Sean and Stanley's uncle.
Actually, he's their great-uncle.
Uncle Ulysses is a real interesting dude.
He's sort of a Renaissance man.
He's traveled the world.
He's met, hung out and gotten drunk with everybody.
Presidents, kings, movie stars, gangsters, you name it.
He's been a soldier, a medicine man,
a fortune teller, a mercenary,
a migrant fruit-picker, a pearl diver,
and who know what else.
He never got married or had any kids.
Most importantly,
it's been said that he's nailed over 3,000 women.
I believe it.
Uncle Ulysses is most famous for being a party animal.
He's known worldwide as being the Yoda of drinking.
On countless occasions,
he's drank Sean and I under the table.
Literally.
Another thing about Uncle Ulysses,
he walks everywhere.
Whether it's 20 blocks or 20 miles, he walks.
And he carries that goddamn suitcase everywhere he goes.
Although I've inquired many, many times,
nobody knows what's inside his goddamn suitcase.
Like I said, Uncle Ulysses is a real interesting dude.
Aloha!
Hello!
How'd you get in here?
I told you to lock the front door.
- I did. - How you doin'?
Well, well.
Hello, you! [laughs]
- Good to see you, man. - Oh! Let's party!
Oh! Be careful.
Guys, what is this, like a gay circle jerk?
I came to see some titties and ass!
Tonight's collective toast is to a young man
who's committed to the most wonderful commitment
an individual can commit to.
Sean, I wish you love, life and liberty.
All right!
Sean, I love you, you're my best friend,
but it's not too late to back out.
- [laughs] - [applause and cheers]
[gags]
[spits] Oh!
[laughs] Pussy!
Hey, Miles, I wanna say congrats, cuz.
Irene's good people, man.
Hope y'all have a gang of little motherfuckers, man.
This is to you.
[applause]
There you go.
So long, sucker!
[laughs]
Whoo!
- Hey, man, pass that shit. - Come on, pass!
Pass, pass, come on!
Fuck.
Congratulations, Sean.
I just wanna wish you and your new wife all the best.
Please take it easy on my house.
Oh, no, no.
I've been looking forward to this a long time.
That's some shit. [burps]
Congratulations to Sean.
We go way back, my man.
Contrary to what these jokers are trying to make you believe,
marriage, it's a beautiful thing.
Just always keep it real with each other.
- Cheers, my man. - [applause]
God damn.
Here.
Why you gonna be an asshole, Stanley?
Suck my dick.
I wanted all of you to be a part of my big day for a reason.
Each of you helped mold me into the man I am today.
Yes, I did!
Good... and bad.
[laughs]
I appreciate every one of you guys.
I fuckin' love you, assholes.
[laughter]
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink!
Drink! Drink!
- Yeah! - Ha ha! Yeah!
Here! Keep it full.
Yeah!
Now we got a party.
It's all over the floor.
So when shall we be expecting these strippers?
Don't worry. We have plenty of live entertainment
coming shortly.
- That's what I wanna hear! - Me fuckin', too!
Strippers? Live entertainment?
- Yeah. - Dirty.
We had an agreement, Aaron. Eight people total.
Strippers and/or live entertainment
makes way more than eight people!
I'm gonna have to shut it down, okay?
Okay, guys! That's it!
Wait! Just shut the fuck up for a second, all right?
You're ruining the goddamn plan!
Look! Joy is far, far away from here.
Grow some fuckin' balls, will ya?
Just calm the fuck down.
Have a great time and enjoy yourself.
Can you do that? Can you calm down?
All right, let's have a good time.
[indistinct chatter]
Can I borrow you for a second?
Now I wanted tonight to be special.
I mean really special, okay?
Don't ask me how I did this 'cause I'm never gonna tell you,
but...
I was able to get Epiphany to come tonight.
What? Epiphany?
To the average person,
the name Epiphany probably doesn't mean that much.
But those who know
know that Epiphany is a stripper.
Actually, she used to be a stripper.
Now...
she's a legend.
Epiphany only makes special appearances
at select bachelor parties.
Mostly she's hired to bang the groom
on his last night of freedom.
Word has it, after a guy hooks up with Epiphany,
he's never the same.
Epiphany's unbelievably expensive.
But for Sean, she'll be worth every cent.
I don't-- I don't know what to say.
There's something else about Sean that I find amazing.
Sean has never cheated on Irene.
No bullshit. Never! That is fucking amazing to me.
In my humble opinion, cheating is inevitable.
How can you wake up to the same face everyday
and not get tired of it?
Like I always say,
a guy could line up all the women in the world
and take his time to pick what he considers to be
the most beautiful one.
In three months, he'll be tired of her.
Crap!
Everybody cheats. You have to keep in mind
men and women see cheating differently.
The woman wants to know...
I don't care if you fucked her!
Did you love her?
The guys wants to know...
I don't care if you loved him.
Did you fuck him?
I've never really had a girlfriend to cheat on.
But I have to admit,
after nailing the last few girls since I met Kayla,
I did feel a little bad.
Hey, sexy, let's get you home.
Don't want you driving home too late.
Matter of fact, I felt so bad
I actually confessed it to Kayla.
I couldn't believe I was snitching on myself.
I'd never done anything like that before.
It was like an out-of-body experience.
I expected her to scream, cuss,
scratch my eyes out and shank me.
But she didn't.
We just talked about it.
And she forgave me.
I mean, I know she wasn't my girlfriend or anything,
and I shouldn't care, but...
she forgave me.
Wow.
You don't need to say anything.
You know what to do.
Oh, fuck yeah!
- Yeah! - [cheering]
[doorbell rings]
Oh, shit!
¶¶ [rap]
Good evening, gentlemen.
Whoo!
You all ready to have a good time tonight?
- Oh, yeah! - [clapping]
All right. Here are the rules.
Number one: Do not touch the girls.
Boo! That's bullshit!
They can touch you, but you can't touch them.
I'm serious.
Number two: Tip.
Performing tonight for your visual pleasure
are the finest, the freakiest,
the most fascinating bitches to ever work a pole!
- Please! - Luscious!
Are you boys ready for the night?
Yummy!
Hello, gentlemen.
Precious.
Who wants to be spanked?
Yeah!
Chastity!
- Hey, hey, hey. - Delicious.
- Hello, hungry boys. - Dreamy.
I'll make your dreams come true.
Temptation.
- You want some of this? - Sin.
- You guys ready to party? - Seduction.
Who wants to get nasty?
All right, girls, go do your thing.
¶ Make that ass bounce ¶
¶ Up and down like a basketball ¶
¶ Your booty's so round Let's play ratchetball ¶
Shake that sweet brown shit, girl.
Mmm! I like what I see.
¶ Sit this here Get nasty on that ass you got ¶
¶ Girl, you better not go past me ¶
¶ I play the sexophone ¶
¶ I don't mind if you get a little jazzy ¶
[Harold laughs]
Whoo!
Dirty old man, you!
Ooh! That one.
¶ She a kidnapper Amber alert, Amber alert ¶
¶ Be quiet That's a grown woman ¶
¶ She be in the gym ¶
Get over here, girl!
Relax, beautiful.
Don't... touch.
Come on, relax. You and I got a nice rhythm going.
Hey, hey, if you're friendly,
there'll be a nice fat tip in it for you.
Baby, come on, big fat tip!
Hey, girls.
Do you wanna come out?
The guy's your man.
[all laughing]
HAROLD: Oh, my! If we must, we must.
[all laughing]
Shit! You girls seem like you may have done this
one or two times before.
Whoo-hoo!
[laughing]
I'm an Aztec god! Cheez-alcoatl!
Is it cool if later, I crawl up inside you and take a nap?
This is so fun to watch.
Touch your toes, touch your toes.
Go ahead, bend over, touch your toes.
Wait. Where we going?
All right, girls.
[laughter]
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
[laughs]
Remember, you said there's a big fat tip in it for me.
Trust me, baby.
It is.
[slap]
[laughs]
Ow!
Oh, hell no.
Hey, asshole, I told you!
No touching!
- What did I say? - Come on! What?
Ladies, that's it. Pack it up, show's over.
No! No!
Oh, come on!
No! No!
What'd you do, man?
What the fuck did I tell you, man?
Be respectful!
You motherfuck! [screaming]
- Hey! Hey! - Control this animal!
Fuck you! Fuck you! What the hell are you doin'?
You fuckin' fucked it up!
I can't believe you fags are making such a big deal
about these stank-ass fuckin' hookers!
[doorbell rings]
They're back?
DETECTIVE: Nice house.
Good evening, gentlemen.
I'm Detective Armstrong. This is Detective Gonzalez.
Well, well, well, if it ain't the popos!
Yeah, what can we do for you, Detectives?
Looking for this scumbag right here: Jesse Jameson.
You guys seen him?
Yeah, he escaped from prison.
Our sources informed us that he might be right here
at his cousin's bachelor party.
Is that true?
Which one of you is his cousin?
That would be me, Detectives,
but I haven't seen Jesse in ages.
Last I heard, he was still in prison.
That's right, Detectives.
We're all law-abiding citizens here.
We would never harbor a fugitive from the law.
[Aaron and Gus laugh]
That's crazy.
It's just a bachelor party.
Bachelor party.
All right.
You see this motherfucker,
give us a call, right?
Yes, sir, Detective Armstrong.
Absolutely.
Let's go. Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now wait a minute, gentlemen!
You sure you don't wanna have a little cocktail?
Gus, what are you-- Don't be silly.
They're detectives. They don't have time for that.
They've got crooks to catch.
Besides, they can't drink. They're detectives.
[laughter]
Oh, shit!
Sorry, dog!
[laughter continues]
Hey, I like y'all.
Anybody who said it wasn't fun drinking with cops are lying!
Y'all motherfuckers are crazy!
- We gotta go, man! - [laughter continues]
Oh, my God! What the...
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, they're gone, Jesse! You can come out now!
You're dead, motherfucker!
[yelling]
Get the gun!
Fucking gun!
- I got it! I got it! - Get off!
- Fuck! - [yelling]
That motherfucker almost got me busted!
Hey, I saved your ass!
If it wasn't for me, those cops would've left here suspicious!
Gus, shut the fuck up!
Dude, you broke out of fuckin' prison?
Yeah.
[screams]
God damn, Jesse!
Could've got us all busted for hiding you out!
We didn't know we were hiding you out! Fuck, man!
You said you served your time, dude!
I lied.
Look, man, I'm sorry. I have 16 months left.
Oh, God.
Does Butterfly know?
¶¶ [rap]
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
You're my favorite cousin, Sean.
You always been there for me.
I wasn't gonna miss your big day.
I did it 'cause I love you, cuz, I swear to God.
Jesus.
Fuck!
I'm so sorry.
Where the fuck is Floyd?
I had to shut his ass up.
[muffled scream]
[mumbles]
Hey, Floyd, how you doin'?
We're having a great time. Just wanna let you know.
And I'm really sorry about all of this.
Just so you know, before I remove this gag,
everything is cool, so just be cool, okay?
Did I hear shooting?
Are the police still here?
Did anybody get shot?
Did they get in the shootout with the cops?
Is anybody bleeding? if they're bleeding--
[mumbles]
No blood in the house!
No!
Get me out of here! [screams]
Dick don't even realize what an altruistic move that was.
The goddamn hero of the hour.
Hey, don't let the bullshit get you down, Gus.
You had good intentions, bro. That's all that matters.
Let's lighten the mood, keep the party going for Sean.
Cheers.
What makes you think I need you to lighten my fuckin' mood?
I can lighten my own goddamn mood.
Oh.
Oh, calm down, Gus.
Calm down? I am calm, okay?
I was really calm until you came over here
like Florence Fuckin' Nightingale
with your little toast.
I propose a toast.
Hey, everybody! Hey, guys!
I'd like to propose a toast, a toast to Miles!
Miles, the only guy I know
who's so perfect, his shit don't stink!
Cheers!
What's your problem with me, Gus?
What makes you think I got a problem with you, Mr. Perfect?
I'm not perfect, Gus.
Oh, I know that. I've been watching your games.
You damn sure ain't perfect, okay?
If I'd gone professional by now, I'd be better than ever
because I'd be using the knowledge and the understanding
and the wisdom that I've accumulated throughout the years
and combined that with my God-given talent.
But you're not me. You're number two!
You're still number two! Remember that!
MILES: Whatever.
Oh, whatever? Whatever?
I'll show you whatever. Let's take it to the ice!
- What? - You heard me, Mr. Hockey Star.
I challenge you to a shootout. First three points.
- I got sticks, pucks. - [Sean laughs]
What are you fuckin' laughin' at?
I got sticks, pucks and everything in the car.
I'm so real with it I even got a fuckin' goal!
Let's go!
What's the matter, Miles, you scared?
You're scared? Huh?
Let's rock it! Let's do this.
¶¶ [sports fanfare]
Watch close, chumps.
You're about to watch a master at work.
Oh, come on!
Do your thing, Miles! Show us that thing!
Watch close, punks!
- Aah! - Ohh!
Come on, Miles, punk-ass bitch!
Nothing gets past!
Oh!
That's why he's the motherfucking best!
Shut the fuck up! I'm just warming up!
Ohh!
Bee-yotch! You scared? Do you wanna get past?
Ohh!
Ah, shit!
Now watch the magic, bitches.
- Ohh! - It's good though.
Just follow through, brother. Just follow through.
Shut up! It's all part of my strategy, dumb-asses.
- Watch this! - Miles! Miles!
Go ahead.
Here come the pain!
Ohh!
All right, I got this.
I'm just warmin' up here anyway. Come on!
I'm a stenchy bitch. Nothing gets past me. Nothing!
This is what I do!
Ohh!
Thataboy!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! We done?
Oh, that's cool. I just forgot to warm up.
If I was playing on ice with my skates,
I would've rocked it.
Thank you.
Can I get a beer now? Can we finally start drinking?
I'll be right back. Gotta go take a leak.
[grunts]
[whistles]
Ah, yeah.
¶ Sweet smell of victory ¶
[humming]
[crying]
So what's up?
[sighs]
You all right?
I've been thinking about what you've been sayin'.
And the truth is,
the idea of spending the rest of my life with one woman
fuckin' terrifies me.
You have no idea how long I've been waiting
to hear you say this.
Look, Irene, she's a great girl, man.
But marriage, hey, this is...
Maybe you just need to slow down a little bit.
The problem is, bro, the wedding's tomorrow.
It's not like I can just call it off.
I'd go down as the biggest asshole
in the history of assholes.
It's never too late. It is never too late.
Sean, you and I have been best friends since the fourth grade.
We've always had each other's backs,
and we have each other's backs right now.
If you don't wanna go through with this...
I'll pay for everything.
I will take the heat.
You don't even know what you wanna do, do you?
Because you've lost perspective.
That is exactly why it is so important
that you have a taste the good life tonight
to get your senses back.
[exhales]
What time does Epiphany get here?
Yes!
[laughs]
All right. All right.
- I love you! - [laughs]
[exhales]
Pull it together, pull it together.
[exhales] It's okay.
You're still number one. You're still the Gus-man.
Oh! [grunts]
Hey, good game.
Yeah, man, good game, good game, great game.
- Hey, Gus. - Yeah.
Do you remember junior year,
the big game against Riverdale High when I missed the goal
- and we lost that game? - Yeah.
Do you remember what I asked you after the game?
No.
I asked you if you thought I had what it takes.
Do you remember your answer?
No.
Well, you asked me if I thought I had what it takes.
And I said yeah. Then you said,
"Then it doesn't matter what the hell anybody else thinks."
I said that?
Hell yeah, you did.
Gus.
I never forgot that, ever.
And I hope you didn't forget it either.
I mean, you're a coach.
A coach!
Just think about how much Coach Modesto influenced us.
You're doing the same thing for these kids.
That is a lot to be proud of, man.
[Gus scoffs]
You're right. Thank you.
- You bet. - Thank you.
Let's grab a beer, man. I wanna hear all about the team.
- All right. - All right.
Basically, I got a really good team, right?
But the teams today, they gotta be the laziest sons of bitches
- who ever lived! - Yeah, they are.
GUS: They really are.
Part of my plan was for Sean to get fucked up tonight.
I wanted him to have the kind of fun we used to have.
I don't want him to get too drunk
'cause if he does, he'll be so hungover,
he'll be happy to leave this life behind.
Plus I paid a mint for Epiphany,
and he's gonna enjoy it if it fuckin' kills me.
I ain't seen him this happy, man.
I just hope Irene ride like Butterfly.
I just have to know when to take his MFD,
his motherfuckin' drink.
I have to get me another MFD...
Not that I was checking,
but Kayla's social media page said that she was leaving
for Chicago tomorrow night to accept the job.
I guess it is what it is.
What? What? What?
I appreciate you being my best man, bro.
Where are you going with this?
I'm saying... I appreciate you.
I gotta take a shit.
I just wish we were closer.
Between me and you,
it's been pretty tight since my assistant coach left.
We're already losing.
Now we're the biggest losers in the state.
It's so fuckin' magnanimous.
And the principal just told me the other day
if I don't turn this shit around now, they're gonna fire my ass.
Coaching is my life.
If I lose that gig, I might just lose my reason to live.
I know I act like everything's great,
but I'm really struggling, man.
Bro, I feel you, man.
I'm struggling, too.
You struggling? Come on, man.
I was just hating when I said all that stuff
about you losing your skills. You still got it, okay?
Be proud.
I appreciate that.
It's the truth.
But I know I can't keep up with these young boys.
I'm not trying to. I just...
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself
after I retire.
I don't have any hobbies.
I don't wanna be a sportscaster
or an actor or anything like that.
I mean, between you and me,
it's all got me a little depressed.
Actually, it's, uh...
it's got me a lot depressed.
[sighs] I'm seeing a therapist.
It's really hard keeping a positive face
for my wife and family, you know?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
God damn!
I guess shit really ain't greener on the other side.
I mean, I'm just saying I'm sorry, bro.
Don't sweat it. I'm sure you'll find it.
It's gotta be something right under your nose.
I mean, you'll find something.
I wish I could have a real pro like you
to be my assistant coach.
That bitch-ass principal won't talk about firing me then.
Plus I'd have somebody on my team who understands the game
damn near as well as I do.
I'll do it.
Nah, I-- Are you serious?
Serious as an ice fight, man. Yeah, I'll do it.
Hell yeah!
Oh, man!
Let's go do some shots or something. Come on! Yes!
You're cool?
Ah.
I'm cool.
Good. Then stay cool.
Here, come on, okay.
Incoming!
[laughs]
Oh, you havin' a good time, Stan?
I want you to have a good time, Stan.
You know, you haven't smiled since we were kids, Stan.
Come on, stop with that affectionate shit.
- Seriously. - What? What?
Brothers should be able to share affection with each other.
Yeah, save that shit for your bitch.
What did you just say?
I said save that shit for your bitch.
Don't call Irene a bitch.
Fuck you.
If I wanna call her a bitch, I'll call her a bitch.
You know, I am so sick of your negativity.
What are you gonna do about it?
Bitch.
- You fuck! - Oh! Oh!
[screams] It's a fight!
[yelling]
Hey, guys--
Oh! Look what you did!
Whoa, whoa!
Hey, guys, look what he did!
[screams]
Shit! Shit!
[groaning]
Shit! Fuck!
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
You're brothers!
I can't feel my left side.
Sean started it! It's his fault!
And I'm sure you gave him a very good damn reason.
You are one very unhappy and bitter motherfucker, Stanley.
And that's something you have to work out!
But despite it all, your brother here
is one of the very last creatures on this planet
who loves you.
He really does.
And I think it's high time you recognized that.
[doorbell rings]
Fucking Ulysses!
You must be Epiphany.
Yes, ma'am, I will send him right in.
Just wanna say also that it's an honor
to actually meet you in person.
Finally.
Heard a lot about you.
Whew.
My friend...
it's the moment of truth.
You're a grown-ass man. I can't tell you what to do.
But here's your opportunity to prove to yourself
some of the old Sean is still in you.
I'm proud of you.
[sighs]
I can't.
What?
I can't do it.
AARON: What are you talking about?
I can't do it to Irene.
Sean.
What do you mean you can't do it?
Dude, you said you were gonna go all out tonight.
Come on!
Do you realize what you're about to do to yourself?
Get your ass in there!
- Hey, hey! - If you don't go in that room--
Get the fuck off my brother, all right?
If he don't wanna cheat on Irene, he doesn't have to.
And none of you guys are gonna make him feel guilty
about that decision.
Come on, bro.
I'll take you home.
Irene's waiting on you.
What the fuck is going on?
Are you serious?
Sorry.
GUS: Be a lot cooler if you did! [laughs]
Hey, bro, hold on a second.
Look, man, I'm sorry I yelled at you and grabbed you,
but I'm sure you can understand where it's coming from.
I'm just trying to protect you, man.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Party sucks.
Hello, Miss Epiphany.
It's an honor on behalf of everyone.
I would like to apologize for the delay.
And I wanted to let you know that I will personally
pay any penalty
or inconvenience made.
¶¶ [chorale]
Look, Aaron.
I'm in love with Irene.
I wanna marry her.
I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.
I know that sounds crazy to you,
but she makes me happy.
I hope you can find that kind of love, too.
See you later, yeah?
I'm gonna go home, make love to my wife.
Damn.
What'd I miss?
I failed, Floyd.
Thought I could stop it, but I couldn't.
All this was for nothing.
For nothing? For nothing?
I put my life on the line for nothing?
You're sitting over there feeling sorry for yourself.
I'm over here, I'm contemplating my own mortality.
Do you have any idea what's gonna happen to me
when Joy comes home?
Do you?
I'm over here mourning the loss of a best friend.
You're over there spooked by a woman
who's a hundred miles away from here, Floyd!
We have plenty of time to clean this goddamn fuckin' shit!
Calm the fuck down! God damn! Fuck!
What the hell?
Oh, no.
Oh, hey, Joy. Uh...
We weren't expecting you home so soon.
It's good to see you!
And just so you know, none of this was Floyd's idea.
This was all me.
I will pay for everything.
Floyd!
Calm the fuck down.
What did you say to me?
You heard me.
I said calm the fuck down.
It's time I remind you I am the man of this goddamn house!
Okay? So you, you can go to your room,
you can unpack your shit, and you can wait
while I finish with my friend.
Then... I'll come.
And we can have a sensible talk.
Do it now, Joy!
Okay. Floyd.
But when you come talk to me, be ready.
To be honest,
I think Joy is gonna literally beat Floyd to death.
But that's not important.
When Floyd stood up to Joy,
he faced his greatest fear.
And how many of us can say that?
AARON: Sure you don't want a lift?
No, thanks, I'll make it.
So did your production last night go the way you planned?
No, Uncle Ulysses, I can't say it did.
Well, son, every man has to walk his own path.
I don't think Sean really knows what he's getting himself into.
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, right?
Seems like you and I are the last soldiers still standing.
And thank God for guys like you, Uncle Ulysses.
You're a real inspiration to me. You never compromise.
You always live your life on your own terms.
I mean, 2,500 women?
That sounds like a good life to me.
Well, life is meant to be experienced.
I've done a lot of partying,
lot of women-chasing in my day.
Yes, you have.
But sometimes, at the end of the day
when I'm just sitting there with a drink,
I keep thinking about all the good women I let get away.
Seems as though, no matter how much partying I do
or fucking I do,
I just can't escape the truth of life.
I guess that's why I always keep it here with me.
Matter of fact, I think it's time I show it to you.
Oh, no, Uncle Ulysses.
- Look, I-- - No, no!
I don't need to see that. I really don't.
- No, you need to see this. - I don't need--
Holy shit.
Well, I guess I should be going.
See you tonight at the wedding.
Irene, do you take Sean
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold, to love and to cherish,
for richer, for poorer,
as long as you both shall live?
It's really happening.
And I'm standing here watching it happen.
Sean knows exactly what he's getting into,
but he still looks happy.
How can he be happy?
Suddenly, the faces of all the women
I've been with throughout the years
flashed before my eyes.
Damn.
I can't even remember most of their names.
I used to be happy with a variety of women.
But now...
even that's getting boring.
I used to be so happy in the club.
Thought if I wasn't out partying and meeting women,
I was missing something.
Now I realize...
I ain't missing shit.
Besides,
do I really wanna be the old man in the club?
You need to stop being so afraid.
What am I afraid of?
After all the theories and legends about the suitcase,
it was empty.
Empty?
What the fuck?
¶¶
What am I afraid of?
What the fuck am I afraid of?!
[murmuring]
Sorry.
And, Sean, do you take Irene
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to have and to hold, to love and to cherish
for richer, for poorer,
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
Then by the power vested in me by God
and the state of California,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
¶¶ [Wedding March]
Oh, shit.
No worries. I'll tell Sean.
You better hurry.
Fuck!
[engine starts]
Kayla!
Aaron?
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
What-- What are you doing?
Oh! You're still here!
[pants] I'm okay, I'm okay.
I just needed to tell you something.
If you leave, I will slit my wrist with a butter knife.
I will drown myself in a puddle.
I will throw myself in front of a speeding yellow school bus
full of bad-ass kids.
[sighs]
Just don't go.
Aaron, I really appreciate you coming here
and getting hit by a car and all.
I've had to do some thinking, too.
Now I'm the one who's afraid.
I've got a few things to figure out.
Like you said, maybe...
Maybe a change is just what I need.
Please don't think I won't miss you.
I love you.
I love you, too, Aaron.
I really do.
Goodbye.
[engine starts]
Well, I guess this is how it all ends for me.
It's funny.
You never know how life will turn out.
Sean is officially a married man.
As crazy as it sounds, I've never seen him so happy.
I can't help but wonder what the other guys are up to.
I hope they're all out there doing what makes them happy.
Or being with whoever makes them happy.
'Cause at the end of the day,
it's all about being happy.
Hell, I bet even Floyd and Joy found their happiness.
But what about me?
I'm not totally sure,
but I think the empty suitcase means...
life is empty without love.
At least I think that's what it means.
It's like I always say,
if you wanna be successful with women,
you have to overcome fear.
Fear of love, fear of commitment,
fear of yourself.
Whatever.
You can't be afraid.
Wanna know something?
I'm not afraid anymore.
¶¶