I look at all of you and I think, "What is this generation?"
A bunch of Ritalin addicted porn freaks
who are probably sociopaths.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
New boy.
- I'm Ed. - Hemingway.
Which of his works did you devour?
Please, don't say The Help.
Well... I read, actually,
I have The Old Man and the Sea, just randomly.
Death in the Afternoon, The Sun Also Rises most of the others.
I like those books.
Hey, gay book club.
Don't add homophobe to idiot, Valchek, okay?
People already don't like you.
Ed, what themes are important to Hemingway?
Proving you're a man by trying to get killed.
You don't say?
A bull, a big fish,
a woman, war,
drinking and driving. I mean, just crazy stuff, quite frankly.
All to prove that he's a...
He's a man, because his mom made him wear dresses.
Welcome. Mr. Ed.
Welcome.
Good morning Varga Prep, Virginia's finest.
It is August 20th and I am Chase
and these are your morning announcements.
Football trials will be this Thursday at 4:00 PM on the football field.
Please, bring your signed permission slips
and personal injury insurance forms.
Be part of the myth.
All of his teeth were stuck in my fist.
Did you just arrive here from a parallel universe?
Oregon.
I come from Oregon.
Nice to meet ya.
And, when you're in the chamber and the scan starts,
don't be frightened.
And, we'll have you out in a jiffy.
Have I died and become a baby?
How long?
This is the hardest part of my job.
Do you need a hug?
I'm just saying, I just...
Are you really gonna make this moment about you?
And your feelings?
You big baby.
Three months.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
No.
No, you're not.
You're just embarrassed.
Shit.
Shit! Fuck!
My, Gosh! Found it.
I found it.
Hi, Ed.
This is Jerry. We... We work together at work.
Nice to meet ya, Ed.
You too, Jerry.
Hey, neighbor.
You notice anything?
- No. - Remember I used to make you
alphabet meals?
Yeah, that was sweet.
Braised beans with bacon,
beef brochettes,
biscuit,
BJ,
Bo J, Borangejuice.
We have to make friends.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah...
The guy seemed cool.
The guy...
Just for a second...
Mom.
I love you, Mom.
So, to your assignment.
It is to put down your Candy Crush
and your commitment to narcissism,
and go talk,
converse, engage in a dialog with an old person.
To gain wisdom from the past, and in your case,
acknowledge that the past existed.
This whole school is about the past.
Only when it comes to football, McCall.
Sabres, Sabres, Sabres.
Thank you gentleman, you're needed back at Nuremberg.
Okay, so this conversation will then become an illuminating essay
of two thousand words.
Get to it.
So, I have got perfect nickels, I've never done these before, okay?
At $29.95, basically the cost of certification.
And I'm gonna give you the opportunity...
Hi!
Afternoon sir. I'm Ed,
just moved next door.
I have a school assignment
where we have to get the stories and wisdom of an old person.
Well, I can't help you, buddy. I... I don't know any old people.
Okay, unforeseen
semantic difficulty.
Hey, kid.
- How old are you? -17.
You drive?
So, sir.
Ashby. Call me Ashby.
Ashby.
So, let's start with the basics.
How old are you?
Let's just say...
I can't remember the last morning
I woke up with a piss-hard boner.
Yeah?
I wasn't... You know...
Wasn't...
I can still get the wood.
Okay.
What... What did you do for a living?
Sold napkins.
- Napkins? - Napkins, coasters,
I did straws for a while but it just wasn't my thing.
Sounds interesting.
Loved it.
Stop here.
I'm driving.
I'm 17.
Driving with...
Couple of shots in you, it's a skill.
All right.
Well, to the revolution.
So, what'd you think about, like, this baby?
Football try outs in 15 minutes.
Become part of the myth,
if you have the courage.
There you go, there you go.
Good work, good work.
Ed.
-It's Ed, right? - Yeah, yeah. Hi.
You know, I can't work you out.
Are you watching with jealousy or... Or fear?
'Cause you look pretty grim,
but then all of a sudden it's envy maybe or something.
I'm just watching.
I think not.
I'm a pretty good judge of facial expressions.
What are you doing here?
Are you just filming? You're a groupie or something?
As if I would let a football player touch my delicate flesh.
Then, what are you doing?
I'm a...
Studying their brains.
After football hits, you know how it jumbles up your brain.
Pre-season, mid-season, post-season.
- Why? - I think it's fascinating.
Also, my Dad's a neurologist
and we actually have an MRI machine in our house.
That's actually really cool.
Thanks. Most people think it's weird.
Most people are idiots.
Aren't they, though?
Yes.
- Come on. Yeah. - Go.
Longing-
It's longing.
Hi, sweetie.
My drink with John is turning into a dinner.
And, in fact, I... I think I'll see you in the morning.
I love you.
Buddy, you're the best. Buddy, you're the best.
Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy. - Virtual fist bump.
How's it going?
It's going good. Yeah.
I was just thinking of things we can do when you get here.
Yeah, wanted to talk to you about that...
Small promemo here.
I'm gutted, man
but Fawn has a line on some furniture in Florence.
The Italian thing is going crazy down here.
Right.
Don't give me attitude, Ed.
Sorry.
It's just so hard for me being away from you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Love you, bud, guy.
All right, okay, well...
Have fun in Florence, that sounds awesome.
Ciao.
Good one. Miss you.
So, I did some research.
Let's talk 'Napkinola.'
What?
You know, the congressional hearings in '88 into corruption
in the food services industry.
Mob intimidation, sex for contracts, some... Some real stuff.
Well... It might be overstated.
But, you worked for the sentinel services, right?
Thirty-five good years.
They were implicated in the whole thing,
two of the directors went to jail.
Think you know this.
Don't be embarrassed, seriously. Like, this is really exciting for me,
like, if you gave bribes or sex or drugs or beatings
or anything that'd be great, I'd really like to get an A.
We're here.
Hey, what was the deal with these...
These directors Burton and McCloud?
Do you have...
- Do you remember those guys? - No.
There was...
There was a time
when people had a
notion of time and a place.
The sense of decorum of
what should or shouldn't be said.
Shit. Sorry, I...
You're sad.
I'm not sad.
It's really not a big deal if you are.
Honestly, doesn't matter to me. I'm...
I'm not uncomfortable with emotion. Not that kinda guy.
You think, that's a generational thing?
Being, like, uncomfortable with emotion?
'Cause, like, your generation's so stoic.
Like, you could have lost 11 buddies in Nam
but, you'd only cry if the camera crews show up.
I always thought that was hilarious, like the families must...
Be like, now he cries.
30 years we have grim, stoic, drinking problem Dad.
Now we got Tom Hanks here, and he's like, crying in our scotch.
It's hilarious.
You, okay?
You want some water?
Yeah, get me some water and there's some pills in the...
On the bureau in the hallway.
Okay.
Kid.
The fuck...
Kid.
So nice to meet you.
I should have come over earlier and introduced myself.
Welcome you to the block.
That's so sweet. No, not at all.
I've been so busy anyway trying to learn the neighborhood.
I'm in real estate and I keep getting lost.
Bit embarrassing trying to show a client
a beautiful Georgian and then instead bringing them to a crack house.
Sure you'll get the hang of it.
- Ed. - Ed.
I've got a doctor's appointment in town.
I was hoping, maybe, you could drive me there.
Of course he can.
I promise, I'll get him back for his schoolwork.
He's told me how much his studies mean to him.
Really? More than he's told me.
You know how boys like to keep secrets.
Well, so, shall we go then?
Ed, you don't need that umbrella.
We're are not in Oregon anymore.
- Okay. - Okay, we'll see you later.
Hey, so...
Where... Where is your doctor?
We both know there's no doctor's appointment, Ed.
So...
Where am I taking you, then?
Well, I thought I might take you deep into the woods
and put a bullet in your head.
Ashby, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to see anything. I'm really sorry.
You know what I am.
I won't tell anyone. I promise.
- I won't tell anyone. - How do I know?
I know there's only one way I know to silence a man.
Oh, Jesus! Jesus Christ.
- Don't blasphemy, Ed. - Shit!
That's better.
Shit.
Did you tell anybody?
- Did you tell anybody? - No.
- Any of your friends? - I don't have any friends.
Ask anyone, I don't have any friends.
- Your girlfriend? - No, now you're just mocking me.
Yes, I'm mocking you.
I'm not gonna kill you, Ed.
I've been on the bench for 12 years.
And, this is it, Ed.
I want you to promise me.
That you won't put any of this crap in your report.
I promise you, I won't put any of this stuff in the report.
- Swear to God. - I'm just going to write a report
about a napkin salesman.
- Swear to God. - I swear to God. I swear to God.
I want you to look at me and tell me you swear to God.
Where do you want? Where do you want me to look?
Right in my face.
Okay, I just...
- Look at my face, Ed. - I just don't want you to kill me...
Okay.
- So say it. - Say what?
Swear to God?
I swear to God I won't write about it, that you are an assassin in my paper,
even though it'd make a better paper...
- Let's go have some pancakes. - Than a napkin salesman...
Let's go have some pancakes.
Okay.
Thank you.
Ashby, how many people did you kill?
Kid...
This is really interesting for me. I like history. You know, I like the past.
Why's that?
'Cause the present sucks.
I can roll with that one.
People my age think that history is like Kim Kardashian's first marriage.
I would like to know stuff, like, actual stuff.
You tell me, I won't tell anyone, I promise.
Ninty-three.
What?
You killed 93 people, 93?
Was there an assignment? Did they assign you a killing?
You work as a team.
I would execute the requests, and they gave me assignments.
They give you a dossier?
No. You get a name, an address or two,
air ticket. That's it.
Wait, so you didn't even know why you were whacking someone?
They were a threat to our country, to our national security.
End of story.
Weren't you curious at all as to...
Didn't you look at some of the guys, and be like, "Really?"
- No. - I get it. You don't wanna get
emotionally involved. The less you know, the better.
You just want him to be some, back of a head,
just some anonymous guy you can just...
You'll be like, bang!
I think you need to prioritize talking and eating.
Let me tell you something Mr. Video Game.
There's nothing fun about it.
There must've like...
There must've been some satisfaction though, right?
- What? - Such a well-defined thing,
like, you get a target, you got a plan, and you gotta execute the plan
and it's just a choice, me or him. You just gotta be like...
Deep, loud.
- You're a very strange kid. - I know.
I try not to talk too much so nobody will notice, but
hard to conceal. You gonna eat this?
Are you gonna kill me now?
Weren't you ever scared?
Yeah, of course. If I wasn't, I would be crazy.
What do you do, then?
You remember that you're gonna come home.
You know, you're gonna have to stare in the mirror and
you take a deep breath, and you go do your thing.
I still can't believe that you weren't curious
as to who you were killing and why you were killing them.
I got orders.
I obey them.
I'm gonna tell you something.
They all had that same look in their face.
What was the look?
That they knew they had it coming.
They all had that?
No, Jesus, no.
All right, now listen up.
We got just about a little over two weeks,
and most of you know what that means.
We got a lot to learn. We...
Hi. lam Ed Wallis.
And you are interrupting my meeting, why?
'Cause I'd
like to try out for your team.
Tryouts are over, kid.
Get out of my locker room before I tear your windpipe out,
punch holes in it and play it like a flute.
All right, where was I?
Putting together a lot of new wrinkles for this year, so we got a lot to learn...
I'm confused.
Somehow, I got it into my head that this school was great
because it was a meritocracy
and that it embodied what was best about America.
You know, that the cream rose,
and the best stepped onto this hallowed field
to make magic happen.
But, it's not. This is kind of all just about a bureaucracy,
and rules and timetables and that sort of thing.
Because, in that case, I'm...
I think I'm just gonna play Ping-Pong in North Korea
'cause I hear they value freedom there.
Thank you, guys.
Kid, what position do you play?
I'm a wide receiver.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
On the field, 10 minutes.
- All right. - Jesus.
Watch him, watch him.
Get him.
Nice spin move.
Low center of gravity.
- He's fast. - Better than that. He's smart.
Come on, guys.
Valchek, looks like you got some competition, son.
- Hey. - Yeah.
Wipe that smile off your face. You ain't shit.
Father.
Mortal sin keeps me out of heaven, right?
Well, forgiveness is for all who seek it.
God forgives all, though.
He must have standards, though.
I guess.
What, redemption?
Right the wrong?
If one can.
Yes, always knew you had it in you.
Just needed balls.
- I used to think, "Where's his balls?" - You did?
You know I'm coming to that game. I'm there, and I love you, buddy.
I just love these slow wind sprints, don%you?
- Hi. - Hi.
Are you from Architectural Digest?
Because you seem to be obsessed with my house.
I was just coming over...
Listen, do you have the history assignment?
I do.
Do you still need it? Because there's a rumor going around
that you turned into a jock.
I assume you'll turn back into a pumpkin at midnight though.
Probably. I'm in.
Seems weird.
No, it's not weird.
You realize I need to see your brain now.
Really? I'd be honored.
- Yeah? - Yeah, sure.
Music?
- You got any Pilgrim? - Of course.
My mom is dead, if you were wondering.
She had a cerebral hemorrhage which is a bit like an IED in your brain.
She was standing in line at The Cheesecake Factory one day
and boom.
Where were you?
Standing in line at The Cheesecake Factory.
My dad really took it hard.
They were really in love.
Not like most people who say they're in love
but then really never see each other.
They were loyal and tight and...
Like they saw each other brighter than anything else in the whole world.
He mostly works now.
My neighbor killed people for the CIA.
Really?
I would love to see his brain.
What's he like?
He's strange.
He wears, like, really funny clothes
and he has all these tattoos but not, like, hipster tattoos.
He has tattoos that I'm pretty sure he got in a Russian prison.
I actually really like him.
But I found out that he killed 93 people.
Lot of blood on two little hands.
Who said that?
Me.
Really? Sounded like you were quoting.
Yeah, well, I do that sometimes.
So people will put my sayings out into the lexicon,
-thereby rendering me... - Immortal?
Exactly.
You're pretty strange.
How so?
All right, well.
Guess... Guess that's it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Sign here. Just kidding.
All right.
Bye.
You're not coming to practice tomorrow.
You get that?
Hey.
Howdy?
Let's go.
Where are we going?
He died for this.
You okay? What are you...
- You gonna buy something? - Let's just get out of here.
Somebody's really chatty today, isn't he?
Would you like an ice cream or something?
What? No.
Let's go.
Is this a cassette?
I've literally never seen a cassette before. I've only heard about it.
Does it work?
Left here.
Who's Peter Frampton?
Slow down. Right here.
- Can I know where we're going? - To visit a friend.
What're you doing, really?
You're gonna see a girl?
- No. - Did you get all dressed up for her?
- I won't be long. -It's a nice vest. You look nice.
Look.
Like a ghost.
- Ash by. - Pete.
I didn't hear the bell.
No. I didn't ring it.
Of course.
You want some lemonade?
Or a whiskey?
It's early in the day, but late in the life, right?
Garret Hughes.
What about him?
He wasn't an enemy of the state, was he?
He was an enemy of the state of my bank balance.
Jesus Christ, Peter.
Look. Come on, Ashby.
Are you getting squeamish now after all you did?
We did?
I was meant to do it, but I got stuck on that Honduras thing.
You used me.
In our world, it's an office prank, Ash.
Are you mad about the money?
You want a piece? I'll cut you in.
I'll cut you a check and we'll have a whiskey.
I'd love to reminisce. We'll have some dinner.
Marjorie's in Florida. So, you don't get to see her pretty...
You're going to kill me, Ash?
I am.
Over some guy you didn't even know?
You'll forgive me if I don't believe...
I don't think I can fix this.
How's your friend?
Sort of grown apart.
That's too bad.
Hey, I made the football team.
- Congratulations. - Thanks.
- That's great. - Thanks.
What happened? They forgot to give you a helmet?
This kid took umbrage at my presence.
'Cause he thinks I'm gonna take his spot.
Well, I hope you got a few punches in.
No, I kind of have a pacifist view of these things.
I just think, violence begets violence.
Well, let me tell you something.
Beatings begets bruises.
Trust me. More beatings.
Hey, you wouldn't kill him for me, would you?
Would you just kill him for me?
I'm retired.
That's a shame.
But, the thing is I proved to myself that I can do it,
which is all I really wanted to do.
And I'm just happy that I made the football team.
I don't even need to, actually, be on it.
I really do have a big workload and SAT's to think about.
I'm really focusing on trying to get into Northwestern.
Where did you go to college?
So you're going to just quit?
I dunno. I mean, I have to balance up my pros and cons and look at my goals.
- Let me ask you something. - Yeah.
Is one of your goals to bullshit yourself into submission?
You know, I don't have to drive you.
Oh, I know. Hey, I'm grateful. Okay?
Okay.
And I'm gonna repay you right now.
Wait, you're going to teach me how to fight?
I ain't got that much time left.
What then?
If you're going to be a pacifist and an irritating personality type,
then you can at least learn how to take a punch,
as you'll, no doubt, have to be taking many.
- Put 'em up. - That's lovely, but...
Jesus!
- Stings a little. - Why did...
I didn't think you were actually gonna do it.
Slip to the right. All right. Don't be a bitch.
Slip to the right. Come on.
Relax. Just focus.
I'm not relaxed. I'm not gonna focus. Okay?
You're hitting me in the face. How's that supposed to make me relax?
Jesus! I'm gonna hit you back, old man.
I doubt that.
Are you gonna quit the team, huh?
There you go. Now you're feeling it. Come on.
Yeah, how does that feel?
Felt good to me. Come on, bring it.
There you go. Now you're feeling it. Come on.
Shit, kid.
Why did you do that for? I'm an old man.
Oh, shit. Shit. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
That's all right.
That's good. You've got a good right hand, son.
I do?
Right.
Well, we've got to celebrate.
Congratulations on making the team.
- Proud of you. - Thanks.
Any idea on what to do about this guy that hates me?
I have utter faith you'll work it out.
You're a really bad judge of character.
Maybe.
Madison.
Hale, aren't your parents judges?
There are always losers in the genetic lottery. D.
"The Adventures of a Napkin Salesman."
B+.
You know, I was awake through long stretches of this.
Heard you made the football team.
Yeah, I did.
Don't get hit too hard in that head of yours.
Your brain's showing occasional signs of thought.
Okay. This weekend, read The Catcher in the Rye,
the story of a spoilt whiny narcissist, with quite appropriate self-loathing.
Off you go.
Remember, you're all special and...
You all follow your dreams. Okay.
Hey, Smits.
You want to get a scholarship, right?
Yeah.
I guess, I'm the fastest guy in the team.
I am sort of your best chance at looking good.
You think, maybe you could help me?
Hey, Valchek.
How about you stop rowing on his face.
Garry Rhodes.
Twenty-two touchdowns.
NFL.
Green Bay Packers.
One testicle.
Vince Lombardi once said of him,
"You oughta check his pants again. He might have three of 'em down there."
Ferguson here, World War 2.
Well, he dropped the big one on the Japs.
Look at them.
Come on. Look at 'em, PlayStation faggots.
You are not you, anymore.
You are them.
You carry their flame. You carry their spirits.
And you have an obligation to uphold.
Tomorrow, you will rise with wings that you did not know you had.
And you will fly.
You will feel a spirit inside of you, that you did not know you possessed.
- And you will fly. - On wings.
And you will see a glow,
descend on the field.
And in that glow, will be the spirits of these boys, of these men.
And they will carry you, if you have the courage and the heart to be carried.
And if you do not,
woe be on you.
For if you are a cockroach at heart,
if you are a piece of chewable candy,
then this game will spit you out.
The chewable, rancid nothing that you are.
And this team will cast you out into your own dark nothingness.
Now, when you go out into that field, I want you to remember three things.
One.
Be prepared to die.
Two. Be prepared to feel a spirit inside of you, carrying you.
And three,
wear clean cleats.
I can't stand dirty cleats.
- What do we perform? - Deeds, not words.
- What do we have? - Wings!
- Who called us to this? - God did.
- Will we fail him? - No, sir.
Deeds! Wings! God!
- Come on! - Deeds! Wings! God!
- Yeah!
- Deeds! Wings! God! - Yeah.
- Deeds! Wings! God! - Yeah!
Deeds! Wings! God!
Hey, Dad. I'm just...
Oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, I figured you weren't...
I figured.
All right.
All right. You too, man. You too.
Bye.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
We must ask ourselves, "What can I do...?"
So, Dad's so right about it. I can't be trying to do this for him.
You know, I gotta just be doing it for myself.
I can't have you two being you two.
Focus is important. It's such a big day for me.
I just gotta focus. Gotta get my mind on it.
I probably should eat some carbs. Do I have time?
No, I don't have time. I'll be late. All right.
All right. Love you, Mom.
BYE. 'we, bye.
- Hey, football guy! - Hey.
Good luck.
_l_ley_ - Hi!
Thought I might come along.
That'd be great.
Yeah, his dad...
That'd be great.
Welcome to Rhodes Stadium.
And so begins another season in the hallowed history of VARGA football.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to your
Varga Sabres.
Ten, hut!
Boy can run.
Yeah. Well, he was chased a lot when he was young.
- Get here. Get here. - Hey!
Stay inbounds.
Bet you were, too.
I was.
That's changed now.
Well, when you're my age, you have to be more proactive.
That is shittier than shit itself.
Don't look at me. Catch the ball, take the hit.
Do you date, Ashby?
I tried it once or twice after my wife died.
But everyone's so desperate and filled with need,
I felt...
I just felt like I was being sucked into a black hole.
Yeah.
Score is tied. Last play of the game.
Let's go guys. Let's go out there.
Let's take it all home.
Can you catch this one, 27?
- Can you catch this one? - I hope so.
Are you frickin' kidding me?
On three. One, two, three!
Down!
Set, hike.
You were amazing!
You were so great!
I'm sorry, I can't stop crying.
He came out of my vagina.
And now he's this, like man with wings on his feet.
Did it really seem like I had wings on my feet?
'Yes! -oh, my God!
- Hail. O conquering hero. - Hey.
You were, dare I use a term stripped of its meaning, awesome.
You must be, mother of the prodigy.
- I am. - I'm Eloise.
I'm June. You're as cute as a bucket of kittens. I'm gonna eat you.
Not really my intention, but thank you.
Hey, Ashby, I didn't... I didn't know you were coming.
I'm a very enigmatic person.
That's true.
- Good game. - Thanks.
I'm taking us to dinner.
I feel so drunk with excitement, I want to take...
Sorry, ladies, sorry. But we've got to kidnap him.
Team party slash meetings slash, eh, poetry reading.
- You want to come? - No.
Are you sure?
Bye.
Shit.
Hi Dad. I got your gift.
I'm gonna drink 'em all.
Yeah. I got 'em.
Thank you. Yes, so sweet.
Yeah, totally.
I was definitely able to focus 'cause there were no distractions.
Oh!
Really?
The Sacred Heart game?
Yeah, that would be awesome.
Okay.
Talk to you later, Dad. Bye.
Hey Mom.
Dad's coming to Sacred Heart game.
That's great, sweetie.
Mom, look at me.
So fast.
Bye.
You can totally have one. I've got like 96 bottles.
I'm good.
I'm excited for you to meet my dad.
- It'd be awesome. - Yeah.
I'm going to tell you something, and you're not going to take it very well.
You gonna know it's the truth
because I know you are really a bright boy and...
But you don't want it to be.
So you'll...
Wriggle your ass around it and try to dive underneath it and everything,
but, you gotta face the fact that your old man is just a piece of shit.
No. I know it's easy to take a dim view of his actions,
and his occasional letting me down.
But he's just a man. He's trying to make a new family.
That's difficult to do. And I'm a pretty resilient and understanding person.
So, I get it.
Don't rationalize being a victim.
You used to be quite silent on our drives. I preferred that.
Means I could project the idea you were a nice person onto you.
Like how you project onto your daddy?
Let me tell you something, son.
You need to recognize a garbage can when you see one.
I'm starting to.
And you need to take care of your mom. You need to take responsibility.
Be a man. Let's go downtown.
You know, I had this dream last night, that eh,
I had swallowed a toothpick.
Why the fuck would I swallow a toothpick.
That's something that I would never do. Swallow a toothpick.
Shit, kid.
I'm just going to be a minute.
I'm not your butler.
I'm not your car butler.
What?
You don't know him, okay. And you don't know me.
- How dare you? - Can we talk about this later?
As if you didn't let your family down. Okay, I know about your daughter.
Yeah. That shut you up, huh?
I do my research, I ask neighbors.
And apparently, no, she didn't have cancer.
She OD'd. And where were you, motherfucker?
Were you off killing some South American dictator or something?
I'm outta here.
Hey.
I watched the tape of the game.
- My man. - Yo, Smits!
You run the line of least resistance.
That's kind of the point, right?
You never get hit.
Yeah, that's also the point.
It can't last. Just an observation.
So, how was it?
How was what?
Your sexcapade with Betty Danger.
Betty Danger?
How perfect! You don't even know her name.
I knew it was Betty, I just didn't know it was Danger.
No, it's not. They just call her that.
Why?
Because she has VD.
Not true.
Look, I may be jealous, even though we're not courting.
Look. I was really, really drunk and...
I mean...
We're not going out, technically.
Yeah, I know that. Thank you.
Whatever. To the victor goes the spoiled blondes.
Eloise...
I like you.
What an utterly shitty thing to say.
Sorry.
- Hey, Mom. - Hey, baby.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah. I...
Got stood up.
I sat there at the restaurant like a...
I don't know.
A homeless guy tried to pick me up on the way home.
So, that was great,
or embarrassing, humiliating, weird.
Very sweet.
I'm sorry, Mom. Just, you know...
These things happen.
Hello.
Hi, Jerry.
I am. I...
Yes, I would love to.
I'll see you then.
Buh-bye.
Wow. One door closes, huh?
I think he's nice.
You Okay?
How's Ashby?
Ed?
You're not like an asshole who's touching my son's privates, are you?
No, I'm not.
You're a good guy, right? I mean...
Just...
Don't let him down.
Who the hell can promise that?
What're you doing?
- What were you doing over there? - I thought something was wrong.
I... He's...
- He's not touching you, is he? - Jesus Christ, Mom!
No, he's not touching me. Stay out of my life, okay?
I stay out of your...
Sexca pad es.
My sexcapades?
- Yeah. - What is that?
Is that...
Wait, I'm a slut, is that what you think?
No. No, no. I'm not saying that you're a slut.
I go on dates, Ed.
I'd like to find love, if that's all right.
And if I have to kiss a lot of frogs to do it...
Okay, but do you have to fuck 'em?
I like sex.
Okay, Mom. That's enough. Thank you.
No, it's not enough.
I'm not done with you.
I'm a sexual being.
I enjoy having sex.
They're assholes, Mom. They're assholes.
None of them deserve you.
Okay? They don't deserve you.
I know. But, I...
Mom, they don't.
I don't see how you don't see it.
- I do see that. - You don't see it.
I've got to try.
I'm also going inside.
This is awkward.
I start here, right?
Two.
Set. Hut!
- Come on! Give me the ball. - Give it to him. Give it to him!
- Really? - He's just a pansy, man.
Catch the ball and then turn it up the field!
- Get in the game! - What are you lookin' at us for?
Catch the ball, take the hit!
Mistakes.
All I saw out there were mistakes!
These men on the walls are wondering why
I dressed you heartless cockroaches in the uniform of greats!
So, stop making mistakes!
Where're your hearts, huh?
Playing afraid out there!
Coach Wally, I think we need some tests.
Piss tests.
Fat tests.
Tests to see who here has grown a vagina.
I can look at a man's piss and know who he is. Give me that.
Too fat, Coach Wally.
Milk thistle, eggs, and plankton.
Come on. Next!
Look at your piss.
Needs vinegar. Coach!
Vinegar and lemon.
Spicy. But, thank you.
It's a neurolinguistic thing.
Just think coconuts, and it'll taste like coconuts.
I can cure polio with my mind too, if I just focus hard enough.
- Are you coming? - Where to?
Weird chick wants to take a look at our brains, or so she says.
Let's go.
You guys are getting the butter battered out of you.
So, I thought now would be a good time to get an interim look at your heads.
Check the damage, compare with pre-season, etcetera, etcetera.
So, who wants to go first?
Fuck it. I Will.
Lord knows, I hate sloppy-seconds.
Okay, just lay down on that table.
Cool. Just take your top off.
- I'm an A-cup. - I'll be the judge of that.
Hey Smits. What is he doing?
It's just fun. Relax.
You know, I'm kinda thinking she must be friends with all of us guys,
always hanging around videotaping us,
getting off on it later on, right, sweetheart?
How about those A-cups?
Fine!
What're you gonna do? Rape me?
Go ahead, and then we can use your brain scans
to see what a sociopath looks like.
So, on the table then?
Buddy, you're the best. Buddy, you're the best.
Buddy, you're the be...
Hi, again.
- Hi. - Hey, sweetie.
Jerry...
I'd really like to know your intentions.
- What? - Ed, honey...
Consider the weirdness of what you're doing.
My Mom's had a really rough time.
And my Dad, he was an asshole.
And I just really don't want that to happen again.
So, I'd just like to know your intentions, 'cause...
My Mom...
She's not a good-time Gussie.
Good-time Gussie?
Ed... Don't worry about it.
No, no. It's okay.
Well, I was waiting for...
I didn't wanna rush anything.
I know, she's dating other people.
But, I'm falling for...
I have fallen for your Mom.
- You have? - I was planning to tell you on a picnic.
- Does that freak you out? - No, I love picnics.
I should go.
- See ya. - Bye, sweetie.
- So... What do you eat on picnics? - Sandwiches.
Hey, Ash by.
Ashby!
You Okay?
Hey.
Look up. You all right?
Oh, my God.
You're not pissed at me, anymore?
Are you okay?
Do you need to get up? Here.
I want...
I'm hungry. I want...
I want pancakes at...
Diamond Diner Inn.
Okay.
What happened?
Fuckers keep losing.
It's been pointed out.
You look miserable when you play. You look like, you're...
You're afraid of getting hit.
You came and watched me play?
Go, wait in the car. I'm gonna go get my pills. We'll take a ride.
Feel free to clean up this mess.
Hey.
I'm sorry about what I said about your daughter.
Well, you were wrong anyway. It was Spain. I was in Spain.
You know, when she was...
When she was 19, she was...
She was troubled.
She...
She couldn't find her place.
Years and time went by, she just needed me to hold her hand.
You know, like when she was little.
You know, she used to...
Just hold on to my hand and she'd grip it really tight.
And she looked at me with, with them, with them eyes that...
That thanked me for knowing how to keep her safe.
Maybe she
looked around for me like that,
and I wasn't there.
I was off in South America and
Panama, Nicaragua, you know,
doing my thing-
Putting a bullet in a man's head.
Is that why you wanna get to heaven so bad?
I have to see her. I have to...
I have to make it right.
But she's, she's not my girlfriend, okay? She's just...
It's, it's ambiguous, but even so, it's turned into a fucking disaster.
I can't believe we came to Washington for pancakes.
- Pretty damn good? - Yeah, pretty good.
Know what?
- I know what your problem is. - You do? What do I do?
Well, first of all, you gotta stop bitching like a damn sheep on crystal meth
and you have to just ask yourself
how come I can't grow a set of balls and behave like a man?
You missed me, didn't you?
You have a very '50s view of the world, okay?
It's not all about having balls. All right?
And if it was, I have balls.
I got big balls.
Always gloating, this young man.
I've just made some strategic decisions that didn't work out.
Strategic decisions?
Yeah, like, in the way that I have handled the Eloise situation.
Like, if it'd gone any further with her, I would've stepped in for sure.
I know it.
- I think, maybe, you wanna think so. - No, it is true.
They're my teammates, okay?
We need unity, we're a team, and we're in a difficult place.
And Eloise, she just always makes it about them or me with her,
and that's a difficult bind to put a guy... What are you doing? What is this?
- What are you doing? - What is this?
- This is a pancake. - This is a pancake.
This is a...
I thought, maybe, you're gonna convince me it was a chicken.
Here's the deal.
Is she your friend?
Yeah.
Did you let her down?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I'm such a shitty coward.
- I'm such a shitty, shitty coward. - Come here.
Then don't be, okay?
You make it up to the girl.
But don't just apologize. You gotta make amends with the girl.
Okay?
- You feel me, boy? - I feel you, I feel you.
- You have a lot of friends. - I'm a charming person.
Guess that's a side of you I'm still waiting to see.
Love you.
Nice house you got here.
I knew it was you.
When Pete got shot, God damn it, I knew it.
Just had a feeling.
- Get out of the pool, Ken. - All right.
So I'm assuming you found out about Garret, right?
I did.
Well, I knew you would, eventually.
We were friends.
I know.
Eloise, hey, how's it going?
Eloise, what's up?
Yeah, yeah.
I know. I'm just calling, I just wanna say... I just wanted to...
- Hello. - Hey. .. Hey.
Hey. It's Ed.
I just wanted to come around and
apologize to you, or I wanted to make amends to you.
Is that okay?
Hey...
Ashby, what's up?
Hello?
Eddie, drive to the end of the block, now.
Listen, move your ass, drive to the end of the block, turn left, now.
Okay, Jesus.
You know, you were pretty rude back there.
I just got off the phone with Eloise.
Shit, you're bleeding.
- What happened? -It's okay, Ed. I'll live.
What's going on?
Just drive, Ed.
I may be imagining things, but am I driving the getaway car here?
- We call it "doing the lift." - Doing...
Doing... What did you do?
Did you kill someone?
- Ed. - Oh, my God.
- Ed, shut up and just drive. - Oh, my God.
Did you kill someone?
Yes, Ed. I killed someone.
What? You killed somebody?
Just drive, and I'll explain.
When I dropped you off, you killed somebody in there?
- Ed. - Why?
Ed, if you don't drive home, we are both gonna go to jail.
So drive.
So you killed two people because of what I said? Jesus Christ.
Don't blaspheme me, Ed.
Don't what, Killer Joe?
I killed a good man
because he came between them and some dollars.
I gotta right that wrong.
How does this do that? How is this righting the wrong?
You're the guy... You're the guy that killed him.
Remember? You killed him.
I gotta avenge his death.
It's not funny, okay? This isn't funny, okay? It's not a joke.
Listen, I think the fucker snapped off a photo.
- They took your photo? - I'm pretty sure.
Okay.
Okay. That means the cops are gonna know it's you. You have to run.
- It ain't gonna be the cops, Eddie. - Who then?
Entwistle. He'll know. He'll send his people.
His... What do you mean? They'll kill you?
No, okay. You have to run, okay?
We'll go to Florida. There's tons of old people there.
You'll blend in. Nob0dy'll even notice you.
I'm too old to run.
Please, or we'll go to New York, and I'll take the drive up
-every single weekend to see you. - What're we gonna do in New York?
Go see Jersey Boys together'?
I'd love to go see a play with you or something.
Eddie, the four of us, we killed an innocent man.
And we're gonna pay for that.
I just need time to get to Entwistle.
No, no. You can't kill anyone else, please.
Just stop killing people.
I'm... Fuck you, I'm just gonna call the cops.
I'm gonna call the cops.
They're gonna put you in jail, and you'll be safe and alive.
I'm dying, Eddie.
What? What?
I gotta few weeks left.
Are you lying to me?
No.
You're a liar and a psychopath, a manipulator. And you're just...
I just... How do I even know to believe you?
- I don't believe you. - I gotta few weeks at most.
I'm gonna need some proof.
Wait here, I won't be long.
You're late.
Yeah, it's a long story.
Look, I'm so sorry.
I really am so sorry. I was just such a coward,
and I am often a coward.
And you should know that about me, and I really will work on it.
But I just like you so much
and it keeps me up at night
and it makes me smile like an idiot and it's all I can think about.
And the fact that I was a shit to you
it just makes me want to tear my eyeballs out of my head
and present them to you on a velvet cushion
while an orchestra plays the theme from Harold and Maude.
See, every time I try to hate you,
you say something that makes me know we're meant to be together.
You really fucking hurt me.
I know, and I promise I'll never...
I won't, I'll never do anything like that again. I'm...
I'll be there for you.
Well, I will. I promise, I will.
As my gift, I brought Ashby.
Because I knew you wanted to look at his brain.
You know how to treat a girl.
Bring him in.
So, it turns out you're dying.
Hey, I wanna be with my wife and daughter.
How do you know you're gonna go to heaven?
You could go down.
Not up.
We should make a stop.
It's not a problem, really. We're always open.
Glad to have you.
Sorry about the mess, I've been eating dinner.
There, it's...
VVeH,okay.
Can't we do this in the church?
No, no. We're fumigating the church for roaches.
The fuckers are everywhere.
Can you at least put your collar on?
Yeah, sure, yeah. Help yourself to wings, whatever.
Father.
I've killed 95 men.
You, you... I'm sorry, you what?
Am I gonna have to repeat myself a lot?
I have taken the lights outta 95, maybe, 96...
I don't know the count.
Do you need to have the exact numbers of every...
Of everyone I've killed to absolve me?
No, I think a
blanket absolution is, is possible.
One of them, I know was wrong.
- One of them? - Yeah.
You can't ask for forgiveness for all of it unless you're truly sorry.
Well, I didn't... I didn't see that coming. l...
You've taken human lives.
I mean, evil triumphs when good men do nothing.
- You thought that you were doing good? - Yeah.
Yes.
I was... I was...
I might've been wrong, I suppose.
Don't you ever think that? I mean, you never...
Excuse me, Father, but you never got your dick sucked, right?
This, this is not about...
You thought about it late at night.
Yeah, of course. How can I not think about that?
Well.
Well, it's tough, but I...
lbehevedinu.
I believed in something that I thought was right.
Me too.
So... So, are you sorry?
I'm sorry that I... I had to live that life.
No.
I would've liked to have done something different.
You know. I wanted to be a baseball player.
I wanted to be a writer.
So, Father?
Can I be forgiven?
In your heart, do you think you're a good man?
I think I've tried. I've really tried. And um...
I don't know.
I mean, if I just tried, I tried to be a good man
and do my job and...
Will it be enough?
I absolve you of all your sins.
Go in peace.
Talk to me.
Talk to me, Ed. What are you gonna do?
I'll let you die the way you wanna die.
Okay?
I am not gonna call the cops.
You just have to promise me one thing.
Just, please don't kill that last guy. Okay, please.
Just, please don't kill that last guy because I will call, I'm gonna call them.
I will, and I know I should. I...
I just... I can't deal with it, I can't fucking...
I won't kill him.
Thank you.
Can I ask you something? Like...
Did you just use me to drive you around...
To do this, or...
Did you actually... Like...
Did you even care about me at all?
I've met a lot of people in my life.
But I never met anybody like you.
It's been an honor.
Hey, Ash by.
Just so you know...
I think what you did was wrong.
Young fella.
I'll just take that.
Entwistle, two sugars, right?
Well, Ashby.
What a surprise.
You hear Pete got clipped?
I did.
Probably screwed around
with the wrong guy's wife.
He didn't deserve to die.
- Garret Hughes. - Well...
What do we know about him? I mean, really what do we know about him?
Maybe he was a pedophile.
Liked young kids, young boys, young girls, you don't know.
What are you, God? You Moses? You have a tablet? You have a ledger?
You know,
you've always been a self-righteous prick.
We kill people.
That's what we do.
For our country.
Bullshit.
You like killing people.
We all did.
He was just another one.
You remember these?
Cuba.
If only Fidel drank tea.
I believe freedom needs to be protected.
And costs will be borne.
And scumbags like you will highjack that.
And just grab it for a big house and a big pool.
It's just a green sticker.
It's not poison.
I'd love to kill you.
But I promised somebody I wouldn't.
I think you might want to check Mr. Entwistle's undergarments.
For your half-time entertainment,
please welcome The Varga Marching Band.
Avert your eyes, that's right.
For the boys of the past are looking at you
and thinking to themselves
"Where are these boys' brains?"
"Where are these boys' hearts?"
We need you to think about that.
Fuck them.
Excuse me.
What did you say?
Isaid...
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em!
You know what? Fuck these guys.
Is this, this guys's fucking game? No.
This is our game. Ours! So, fuck 'em.
Yeah, fuck them!
Fuck them!
So, stand up!
And no offense to coaches but fuck you too.
FUCK you!
- Are we scared? - No!
Who are we?
I don't know either.
- I don't. Let's go find out. - Let's go!
Hey. Hey, just so you know,
I'm coming through you for the touchdown.
Just so you're prepared. I don't want you to have any excuses.
Okay?
Okay.
You Okay?
- You should... You good? - Yeah.
Let's go. Let's go.
No need for a song and dance.
Thirty-eight, go deep on three.
One, two, three, right.
Here we go, folks.
We are tied.
Ten seconds left on the clock.
Come on!
Hell of a play, son.
Nice catch.
You better be coming over here to kiss me.
I am.
You know, my wife and I...
We used to walk through here every morning.
It'd all be forest.
All of a sudden, just...
Voila.
Ashby! Ashby!
Ashby!
Ashby.
Ashby!
Keys are for the car which is now yours.
I mean, you practically stripped the gears anyway.
The will you are to execute,
I know it's an odd choice of words today of all days.
Garret Hughes.
His heirs are to get all my assets.
Then in my flesh, I shall see God.
Whom I shall see on my side,
my eyes shall behold and not another.
Word of the Lord.
Go in peace.
I guess, Eddy I should say something profound.
These being my last words more or less.
I got nothing.
Well, I guess...
Be careful of what and who you believe in.
Find someone that you love fiercely.
And who loves you back the same way.
And you treat them well.
And you know it's of value.
You look so pretty.
Also,
you shouldn't be scared of the world, Ed Wallis.
I kind of suspect the world should be scared of you.