WEBVTT

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(PHONE RINGING)

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(CLEARS THROAT)

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<i>MAN: Hello?</i>
Tracey, it's Bradley.

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Bradley, where the
hell are you guys?

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I am freaking out!

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<i>BRADLEY: Listen.</i>

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We fucked up.

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What are you talking about?

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Me and Doug are about to get married and
I haven't heard from him in two days.

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Things got a little out of
control last night and we...

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We lost Doug.

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The wedding is in a few hours!

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In Santa Barbara?

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Yeah!

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That's not gonna happen.

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(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

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Look, I know everyone's a little
miffed we couldn't do Vegas this year,

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but I'm telling you, Chief Loose
Slots is the next best thing.

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I don't care where we have
my bachelor party, guys.

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All that matters is that
we're celebrating together.

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And that we don't have AIDS.

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Anyway, I bet once you get
inside, it's not so bad.

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(BEEPS)

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All right!

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Hey, it's cute.

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I am honestly impressed
by how shitty this is.

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You don't even need a
blacklight to see all the stains.

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Maybe that's yogurt.

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Nah, it says right here in
the pamphlet, it is semen.

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Look, semen or no semen,

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the important thing is that Doug

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found his soulmate.

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DOUG: Thanks, man.

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Tracey just completes
in me, you know?

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Did you say, "Completes in you"?

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(GROANS)

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You know, that reminds
of the love shared

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between Peeta and
Katniss in <i>The...</i>

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I'm gonna need you to stop
talking about that book.

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No, I will not stop
talking about a novel

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that blogcritics.org/reviews
said was "a page-turner."

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Have you even read it?

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I'd love to, man.
It's just hard to find time

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to enrol in 7th grade
and cut off my nuts.

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Well then, maybe I'll find it hard
to find time to share my goodies.

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Oh, nice.
What do you got in there?

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I've got all kinds of fun stuff.

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I have Chernobyl potato vodka,

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standard-issue roofies,

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I've got Chinese black tar heroin,

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I've got drug mule
rectum-release opium,

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and some plug-in
air fresheners.

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How did that get in here?

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All right.
You got any bath salts?

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Tons.
Help yourself.

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I've also got skunk,
scoot, snap, flippers,

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flappers, floppers,
uppers, downers,

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and cyanide chewables.

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Cyanide?
Poison is the best.

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Hey! Those are my fun-time candies!

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No. Uh-uh.

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Every time we go out, we end up
blacked out and looking for somebody.

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Vegas. Thailand.
My nephew Ruben's Bar Mitzvah.

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Whatever, we got him back
in time for the service.

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Yeah, and then he puked
all over the Torah.

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(CHUCKLES)
Classic.

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No, not classic.
That is a holy document.

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(GROANS)

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All right, let's just get Zach
dressed and head to the roof.

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Dressed?

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Small request, you guys. Could
somebody scratch my nuts?

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I respectfully decline.

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Non-alcoholic beer?

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I told you.
No risks tonight.

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Pussy!

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Excuse me, I was
calling you a pussy.

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All right.

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Let's put our shitty rehab beers up

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and toast Doug and Tracey.

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I never thought your soulmate would
have an Adam's apple and a penis,

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but, hey, life's a journey, I guess.

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We're happy for you, man.

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Thanks, guys.

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To Doug and Tracey.

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BOTH: To Doug and Tracey.

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And to a night we'll never forget.

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Those look really good.

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Could you just pour it in my cone?

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(GROANS)

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What the fuck?

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Oh, God.

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(GROANING)

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What?

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Scuba guy on the ceiling.
That makes sense.

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Watch out!

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Jesus!

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You stepped on my balls, dude.

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Sorry.

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Where the hell are we?

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Fuck if I know.

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All I know is I am hungover
as shit right now.

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I think I'm legally dead.

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And my mouth tastes assy.

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Please tell me I ate cheese.

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I don't know.
My ass kind of hurts.

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Oh, no!
Did I do cocaine?

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I'm deathly allergic to cocaine.

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And I'm allergic to gluten.

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ED: I hope that's gluten-free.

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Oh, no.

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Did we kill Waldo last night?

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Um...

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Maybe he was fucked to death.

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(GAGGING)

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(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Morning, fellas!

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Oh, god damn it, who let Zach
out of the straitjacket?

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Is that a man-thong?

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No, it's a regular thong.
I wear them all the time.

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That's disgusting.
(GAGGING)

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Okay, we need to find Doug
and get the hell out of here.

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Somebody call him.
Where's my phone?

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Oh, holy shit.
Is this a rocket launcher?

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BRADLEY: Zach?

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Dude!

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Come on, we have to find Doug.

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But that was...

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Oh, my. Gentlemen,
this is quite a mess.

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Okay, this is awkward, but I'm
just gonna go ahead and ask,

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maid or hooker?

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Manners! That is no way
to speak to your escort.

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I always ask.
The answer's always the same.

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It's been real nice talking to
you, but we're just gonna go.

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I wouldn't do that.

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Okay.

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(SCREAMING)

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We're on a fucking train?

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I knew it!

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That means you're Effie Trinket!

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No, my name is Effing.

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And the three of you
are on your way to the Games.

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We discussed this all after
your courageous gesture.

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EFFING: Why don't you look at your phone?
(CHATTER ON VIDEO)

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<i>Fucking Reaping, bitches!</i>

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ED: Oh, that's my phone.

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Let me see it.

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Doug's trying to kiss me again!

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Doug, how you doing, buddy?

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Fucking Reaping, bitches!

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(ALL WHOOPING)

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<i>The first name of the girl...</i>

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Why is Lady Gaga on the screen?

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<i>And a happy Games goes to...</i>

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Change the channel!

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<i>...young Boo!</i>

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(BOOING)
<i>And now for the boys.</i>

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I volunteer!

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We volunteer for
the Hungover Games!

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<i>EFFING:
What a wonderful development!</i>

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<i>Three of our brave volunteers
to add to the race.</i>

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<i>May the chances be
ever in your comer.</i>

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Attica! Attica!

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Okay, Okay.

00:09:26.176 --> 00:09:27.350
Hey!

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Oh!

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(LAUGHING)
Okay.

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Will you keep it down?

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I can hardly hear myself drink.

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Haymitch!

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That's not my name,
you scruffy half-tard.

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It's Justmitch.

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Look, I'm enjoying all of this.

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I really am.

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Especially that
little blonde schoolgirl

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situation you've got
going on right there.

00:09:53.870 --> 00:09:55.922
But right now we
really just need to

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find our friend and be on our way.

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The Sponsors will eat that
bromance shit up with a spoon.

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Speaking of which.

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Okay, let me guess, now you're gonna
tell us how to win the Games?

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If you wanna live long enough to
find your pansy little friend,

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you'd best learn to listen to me.

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If there's two things
I know, it's hangovers

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and murdering for sport.

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And, hey, if you're lucky enough,

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one of y'all might
get out of here alive.

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Did you just say "one" of us?
Mm-hmm.

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Now if you'll excuse me,
I gotta find a vein.

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<i>WOMAN ON TV:
You're watching Capitol Sports.</i>

00:10:50.093 --> 00:10:51.932
Skip, it's my favourite time
of the year.

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The weather is warming, the
tig ol' bitties is coming out

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and right now, it's time
for the Hungover Games!

00:11:00.353 --> 00:11:02.026
A great competition
shaping up this year.

00:11:02.105 --> 00:11:04.525
Contestants from
the Superheroes District

00:11:04.607 --> 00:11:07.787
<i>and the Middle Earth District are
once again among the favourites.</i>

00:11:07.861 --> 00:11:11.123
<i>The Puppet District and the Depp
District are particularly intriguing to</i>

00:11:11.197 --> 00:11:12.621
<i>Stephen A. Timplesmith.</i>

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Johnny Depp. Is there any
weirdo this guy won't play?

00:11:15.285 --> 00:11:16.328
Straight freak!

00:11:16.411 --> 00:11:19.543
<i>Next up, we have The Real
Housewives of District 8.</i>

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Now these trashy bitches

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have about a 0% chance
of surviving the Games.

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White girls!
Got me one at home.

00:11:27.797 --> 00:11:30.301
Next up, we've got
the Django District.

00:11:31.217 --> 00:11:34.231
Now Django is tough, but let's
get this straight, Skip.

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He will never be LeBron.

00:11:37.682 --> 00:11:38.940
Now, on the Django team

00:11:39.017 --> 00:11:42.564
we have famed plantation
owner, Calvin Dandy.

00:11:42.645 --> 00:11:44.816
Ironically, he's a good
friend of mine.

00:11:46.024 --> 00:11:49.073
All right, next up we have the
Gratuitous Nudity District.

00:11:49.152 --> 00:11:50.659
Dizzamn!

00:11:51.112 --> 00:11:54.126
Everybody knows you cannot
make entertainment like this

00:11:54.199 --> 00:11:57.580
without some inexplicable,
unwarranted nudity.

00:11:57.660 --> 00:12:01.089
And finally our field is rounded
out by our outlying districts.

00:12:01.164 --> 00:12:03.335
<i>AUTOMATED VOICE: District 9, Avatar.</i>

00:12:03.666 --> 00:12:05.672
<i>District 10, Horror.</i>

00:12:06.336 --> 00:12:08.886
<i>District 11, Katnip Everlean.</i>

00:12:09.047 --> 00:12:11.467
<i>District 12, The Hungover Guys.</i>

00:12:11.549 --> 00:12:14.017
Hey! That looks like us and Doug!

00:12:15.345 --> 00:12:18.773
Look, we've got about
48 hours to find him

00:12:18.848 --> 00:12:20.853
and get him back to that wedding.

00:12:20.934 --> 00:12:22.191
Okay.

00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:24.855
I guess it's time for us
to kill some motherfuckers.

00:12:24.979 --> 00:12:26.023
(GIGGLES)

00:12:36.616 --> 00:12:38.953
WOMAN: All right, I need three
to run this drill. Let's go!

00:12:39.035 --> 00:12:41.005
I have the power!

00:12:41.204 --> 00:12:42.248
Come on, cunt.

00:12:42.539 --> 00:12:45.422
Oh, foo. Another year,
another murder.

00:12:45.625 --> 00:12:49.053
What a crop of freakazoids.

00:12:49.212 --> 00:12:50.849
(GRUNTING)

00:12:52.048 --> 00:12:53.306
Stop swinging that in my face.

00:12:53.383 --> 00:12:54.890
That is dangerous.
That is not a toy!

00:12:55.051 --> 00:12:57.056
Zach, will you stop? You're
making us look like idiots.

00:12:57.220 --> 00:13:00.103
No, Mr I Can't Even
Pick Up This Boulder.

00:13:00.181 --> 00:13:01.569
(YELLING)

00:13:06.229 --> 00:13:08.614
You're making us look bad
in front of the Sponsors.

00:13:08.690 --> 00:13:10.410
Why are they all dressed like that?

00:13:10.608 --> 00:13:13.242
Looks like a Lady Gaga
family reunion.

00:13:14.112 --> 00:13:15.784
Look, you see that?

00:13:16.281 --> 00:13:18.535
Our odds are pretty
shitty right now.

00:13:18.616 --> 00:13:20.785
ED: Hey, why do the puppets
have better odds than us?

00:13:28.251 --> 00:13:29.961
Go ahead and cross
check your information.

00:13:31.045 --> 00:13:33.264
Excuse me. Sorry, I hate
to bother you with this,

00:13:33.339 --> 00:13:35.641
but my friend is stuck.

00:13:42.807 --> 00:13:44.314
<i>World War Z, right?</i>

00:13:44.392 --> 00:13:46.029
<i>No. Walking Dead, actually.</i>

00:13:46.311 --> 00:13:48.067
Oh, right, right.
You were the one that bit

00:13:48.188 --> 00:13:50.148
that guy's ear and then
ate his face off, right?

00:13:50.356 --> 00:13:51.614
Guilty.

00:13:52.567 --> 00:13:54.904
So who else came
from your district?

00:13:55.278 --> 00:13:58.493
Just that crazy blood-covered
bitch over there.

00:13:59.032 --> 00:14:01.037
She scares the shit out of me.

00:14:01.117 --> 00:14:02.410
I can see why.

00:14:06.706 --> 00:14:10.966
Wow. Kaptain Kazakhstan is
really rocking that burlap sack.

00:14:11.169 --> 00:14:13.886
Look at the size of
those Oompa Loompas.

00:14:13.963 --> 00:14:15.256
You're welcome.

00:14:15.340 --> 00:14:17.926
That's quite a bit of
shrubbery he has down there.

00:14:18.009 --> 00:14:20.477
Can you say,
"Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia"?

00:14:21.387 --> 00:14:23.309
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

00:14:32.148 --> 00:14:33.240
Listen.

00:14:33.483 --> 00:14:35.570
They're looking at you
like you're a meal.

00:14:36.069 --> 00:14:39.034
Especially that flamboyant
Scandinavian guy.

00:14:39.114 --> 00:14:40.241
Ew.

00:14:40.323 --> 00:14:43.502
He wants to roll you in
sugar like a dick churro.

00:14:44.160 --> 00:14:45.833
So what am I supposed to do?

00:14:45.954 --> 00:14:48.374
They need to know
that you can take a punch.

00:14:48.957 --> 00:14:50.048
What?

00:14:50.250 --> 00:14:52.219
Yeah. Trust me.

00:14:57.424 --> 00:14:58.551
Okay.

00:15:00.093 --> 00:15:01.137
(GROANING)

00:15:01.719 --> 00:15:02.811
(GIGGLING)

00:15:03.388 --> 00:15:04.978
Okay, I'm good.

00:15:05.056 --> 00:15:06.349
All right, I'm good.

00:15:08.226 --> 00:15:11.109
The elbow didn't count.
Come on, come on.

00:15:11.187 --> 00:15:13.773
Now, just remember, this hurts
you more than it hurts me.

00:15:13.857 --> 00:15:14.948
(GRUNTS)

00:15:15.275 --> 00:15:16.366
(LAUGHING)

00:15:17.402 --> 00:15:18.576
Why, dude? Why?

00:15:18.653 --> 00:15:21.370
I don't know. I forgot why
we're even doing this.

00:15:22.282 --> 00:15:23.753
(ED GROANING)

00:15:24.659 --> 00:15:26.130
I'm pooped.

00:15:26.202 --> 00:15:28.338
I want a vitamin water
or something.

00:15:28.788 --> 00:15:30.129
Not bad.

00:15:31.708 --> 00:15:33.345
That means I need a vitamin water!

00:15:33.418 --> 00:15:36.099
Okay, okay, I'll get it!
I'll get a vitamin water for you!

00:15:40.341 --> 00:15:41.765
Not again.

00:15:43.261 --> 00:15:44.305
(GRUNTING)

00:15:53.897 --> 00:15:55.569
My right nut is numb.

00:15:56.149 --> 00:15:57.869
I can take a hit, Zach.

00:15:59.235 --> 00:16:00.707
I can give one, too.

00:16:00.779 --> 00:16:02.369
You ready for the thunder?

00:16:02.447 --> 00:16:03.918
Well, here's the lightning!

00:16:04.157 --> 00:16:06.079
Oh, son of a hooker, that hurt!

00:16:06.159 --> 00:16:07.452
Hey, watch it!

00:16:07.577 --> 00:16:08.835
Sorry, I didn't see anything,
I swear to God!

00:16:08.912 --> 00:16:10.502
My elbow may have grazed...
Ed.

00:16:12.165 --> 00:16:13.422
Hey...

00:16:14.167 --> 00:16:15.259
Okay.

00:16:16.461 --> 00:16:17.505
Uh...

00:16:17.587 --> 00:16:19.307
How are you?

00:16:19.589 --> 00:16:21.262
Hey...
Hi.

00:16:21.466 --> 00:16:22.558
...you.

00:16:23.760 --> 00:16:24.804
Oh.

00:16:25.136 --> 00:16:26.429
You don't remember me.

00:16:27.388 --> 00:16:28.729
It's Katnip.

00:16:28.807 --> 00:16:30.479
Katnip Everlean.

00:16:31.851 --> 00:16:34.402
I'm sorry. It's just
that last night, we...

00:16:34.479 --> 00:16:35.487
You were wasted.

00:16:35.563 --> 00:16:36.690
Yeah.

00:16:37.148 --> 00:16:39.367
You guys bought us drinks
after the Reaping.

00:16:39.442 --> 00:16:42.906
You said you were going
district-hopping, and you up and left.

00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:46.376
Jeez! You guys clearly have
a drinking problem!

00:16:46.825 --> 00:16:49.293
Um, is that a talking bird?

00:16:49.369 --> 00:16:52.050
I'm a talking jay, you birdbrain.

00:16:52.122 --> 00:16:53.794
For a nerd, you're pretty dumb.

00:16:53.873 --> 00:16:56.424
Sorry. He's really nice
once you get to know him.

00:16:56.501 --> 00:16:58.423
Yeah, just ask your mom.

00:16:58.503 --> 00:16:59.844
That's rude.

00:16:59.921 --> 00:17:02.389
Go away. How are you
feeling, by the way?

00:17:02.715 --> 00:17:05.433
Well, besides the raging hangover,

00:17:05.510 --> 00:17:07.597
the free-for-all
death match coming up,

00:17:07.679 --> 00:17:10.776
and the shit taste I can't
get out of my mouth,

00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:13.854
I'm actually doing great.

00:17:14.060 --> 00:17:16.314
Hey, look, it's Dumb
and Dumberer.

00:17:16.896 --> 00:17:19.198
A talking jay.

00:17:19.274 --> 00:17:21.326
So elegant.

00:17:25.613 --> 00:17:27.749
Hey, get your mitts off me!

00:17:27.824 --> 00:17:30.374
Where'd you go to school,
Penn State?

00:17:33.037 --> 00:17:34.509
Wow, okay, yeah.

00:17:34.581 --> 00:17:36.965
I'm not even gonna try to
process that right now.

00:17:37.041 --> 00:17:38.465
Excuse me?

00:17:39.085 --> 00:17:40.925
It's Katnip, Bradley.
We met last night.

00:17:41.004 --> 00:17:42.131
Yeah, Bradley.

00:17:42.213 --> 00:17:45.061
Yeah, right, okay.
About last night,

00:17:45.175 --> 00:17:48.223
do you have any idea what
happened to our friend, Doug?

00:17:48.595 --> 00:17:49.686
Uh...

00:17:49.763 --> 00:17:53.440
(LAUGHING) No. But I did wake up today
and I saw you all volunteered.

00:17:53.767 --> 00:17:55.854
That was really brave of you.

00:17:56.060 --> 00:17:57.614
That is one word for it.

00:17:57.687 --> 00:18:01.244
No, seriously. You guys were talking about
it so much you inspired me to do it.

00:18:01.316 --> 00:18:03.950
That's why I took my
little sister's place.

00:18:04.778 --> 00:18:06.913
That was stupid.
Sorry.

00:18:07.530 --> 00:18:09.452
You have a little sister?

00:18:09.824 --> 00:18:13.418
Is she into husky bearded guys with
low-level personality disorders?

00:18:13.703 --> 00:18:15.257
(YELLING)

00:18:15.789 --> 00:18:16.916
Nice!

00:18:17.082 --> 00:18:18.173
I like this girl.

00:18:18.249 --> 00:18:20.219
That got more hand than apple.

00:18:20.293 --> 00:18:21.930
(BUZZER RINGS)

00:18:22.420 --> 00:18:25.766
Attention, battlers,
battlers, battlers.

00:18:25.840 --> 00:18:28.973
The training centre is now closed.

00:18:29.135 --> 00:18:31.354
It is time to die.

00:18:31.471 --> 00:18:33.108
Make that work.

00:18:33.556 --> 00:18:36.605
That's my catchphrase,
you know. "Make that work."

00:18:38.144 --> 00:18:40.114
WOMAN: Hello?
A little help here?

00:18:44.359 --> 00:18:45.616
AUTOMATED VOICE: 20, 19, 18,

00:18:45.693 --> 00:18:47.284
<i>17,</i>

00:18:47.445 --> 00:18:48.786
<i>16,</i>

00:18:49.155 --> 00:18:50.366
<i>15,</i>

00:18:50.573 --> 00:18:52.045
<i>14...</i>

00:18:52.117 --> 00:18:54.702
Doug! Dougie!
Doug man!

00:18:56.413 --> 00:18:57.623
Doug? Doug?

00:18:57.705 --> 00:18:58.963
Doug!

00:19:00.166 --> 00:19:01.638
Doug? Where are you, man?

00:19:01.709 --> 00:19:03.465
Where the fuck is he?

00:19:04.629 --> 00:19:05.756
Doug?
Doug?

00:19:08.383 --> 00:19:09.936
Was that him?

00:19:12.262 --> 00:19:14.481
Hey, sweetheart.

00:19:14.556 --> 00:19:17.735
Looking for a white guy,
yea high, generic, unfunny,

00:19:17.809 --> 00:19:20.822
really forgettable.
Was that him right now?

00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:24.283
Come on, talk to me.

00:19:26.443 --> 00:19:28.115
She's a goddamn
mute or something.

00:19:28.194 --> 00:19:29.368
Man, fuck you, white boy.

00:19:30.989 --> 00:19:32.377
What are you guys doing here?

00:19:32.449 --> 00:19:34.952
You need to get to
your tube room immediately.

00:19:35.034 --> 00:19:38.001
Okay, you don't have to manhandle me!
Oh. my tea!

00:19:39.414 --> 00:19:43.424
You just got bubble tea
all over my control panel.

00:19:43.835 --> 00:19:45.555
Get him out of here!

00:19:45.962 --> 00:19:47.054
<i>16,</i>

00:19:47.380 --> 00:19:48.472
<i>15,</i>

00:19:48.548 --> 00:19:49.805
<i>14,</i>

00:19:49.883 --> 00:19:51.093
13,
(LIFT CLANGS)

00:19:51.176 --> 00:19:52.219
<i>12...</i>

00:19:52.302 --> 00:19:54.722
Jeez, guys.
Portion control much?

00:19:55.555 --> 00:19:56.647
<i>9,</i>

00:19:57.182 --> 00:19:58.273
<i>8,</i>

00:19:58.349 --> 00:19:59.524
<i>7,</i>

00:19:59.684 --> 00:20:00.858
<i>6,</i>

00:20:00.935 --> 00:20:02.027
<i>5,</i>

00:20:02.520 --> 00:20:03.612
<i>4,</i>

00:20:03.813 --> 00:20:04.905
<i>3,</i>

00:20:05.398 --> 00:20:06.525
<i>2,</i>

00:20:06.733 --> 00:20:07.825
<i>1.</i>

00:20:13.073 --> 00:20:16.205
No, no, no! Don't step off
the platform, we'll explode!

00:20:17.035 --> 00:20:18.292
Oh, God.

00:20:18.578 --> 00:20:19.670
Oh, God.

00:20:27.045 --> 00:20:30.307
<i>MAN OVER PA: Now the contestants
line up before the Pornucopia,</i>

00:20:30.381 --> 00:20:32.802
<i>no doubt picking out the
weapons they wanna grab.</i>

00:20:32.884 --> 00:20:36.396
Doug, Doug, come on, man.
Where are you?

00:20:36.763 --> 00:20:38.685
He must be on the other side
of that tent full of...

00:20:38.765 --> 00:20:41.233
What are those?
Sex weapons?

00:20:41.476 --> 00:20:43.398
ED: Where the fuck are we?

00:20:44.062 --> 00:20:45.901
<i>MAN:
This is a great time to mention</i>

00:20:46.064 --> 00:20:47.903
<i>that the weaponry
has been provided by</i>

00:20:47.982 --> 00:20:51.115
<i>Delta Venus, Queen of the Sex Toys.</i>

00:20:51.820 --> 00:20:53.457
(DRUMS POUNDING)

00:21:04.082 --> 00:21:06.336
Let the killing begin!

00:21:10.422 --> 00:21:13.049
Shit, come on! Maybe we can find
him before he gets slaughtered.

00:21:13.508 --> 00:21:15.595
I got this.
Yeah.

00:21:16.845 --> 00:21:18.647
Fuck! My hammie!
I should've stretched!

00:21:18.972 --> 00:21:21.273
Oh, I should've stretched first!

00:21:21.808 --> 00:21:23.730
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

00:21:27.564 --> 00:21:28.655
Yeah!

00:21:34.362 --> 00:21:36.284
Holy cow. White wine!
I hate white wine!

00:21:50.128 --> 00:21:51.765
Okay, barrel roll!

00:21:52.088 --> 00:21:53.381
BRADLEY: Shit, really?
Are you all right?

00:21:53.465 --> 00:21:55.676
At least tell me that looked awesome.
Yeah. Sure.

00:21:59.304 --> 00:22:02.317
Oh, it's a red man.
High five?

00:22:02.390 --> 00:22:04.395
No? How about this?

00:22:05.143 --> 00:22:06.484
You like?

00:22:12.817 --> 00:22:15.036
Put penis away, kemosabe.

00:22:15.320 --> 00:22:16.661
(ALL CHEERING)

00:22:48.520 --> 00:22:50.026
Is that labia?

00:22:55.777 --> 00:22:56.821
That is a bear!

00:22:56.903 --> 00:22:57.947
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

00:22:58.029 --> 00:23:00.283
Wait, wait!
No, no, no!

00:23:00.365 --> 00:23:02.536
Doug must have come up
right here! Where is he?

00:23:02.617 --> 00:23:03.709
Fuck!

00:23:38.153 --> 00:23:39.196
Whoa!

00:23:43.074 --> 00:23:44.166
Come on, man.

00:23:44.325 --> 00:23:45.666
Come back here!

00:23:45.952 --> 00:23:47.922
Fuck! And where's Zach?

00:23:49.122 --> 00:23:51.341
Well, hey there, boy.

00:23:52.208 --> 00:23:53.300
Ow!

00:23:54.919 --> 00:23:56.924
Goddamn women!

00:23:57.922 --> 00:23:59.346
Don't mind if I do.

00:23:59.466 --> 00:24:03.096
Now, now, don't do nothing
foolish there, N-word.

00:24:03.178 --> 00:24:05.432
I like the way you die, boy.

00:24:05.889 --> 00:24:07.312
(SCREAMING)

00:24:10.393 --> 00:24:11.781
<i>Django's free!</i>

00:24:13.938 --> 00:24:15.694
Take that, black!
Dude!

00:24:15.774 --> 00:24:17.992
You like baseball, Jackie Robinson?

00:24:18.359 --> 00:24:19.487
Oh!

00:24:20.278 --> 00:24:21.489
TEDDY: Shit!
Oh, that's cruel!

00:24:21.863 --> 00:24:23.998
Hey, you thirsty?
Here's some tea!

00:24:24.616 --> 00:24:25.957
Teabag!
Oh, that's nasty.

00:24:26.076 --> 00:24:27.410
That's real gross.
Bag, bag, bag!

00:24:27.452 --> 00:24:28.875
Please stop.
Just please stop.

00:24:28.953 --> 00:24:30.923
Wait, you want some fucking lemon?
Yeah, bag it up!

00:24:30.997 --> 00:24:33.251
Come on!
Jesus!

00:24:33.458 --> 00:24:35.545
I know that looked bad,
but, come on,

00:24:35.627 --> 00:24:39.095
let's keep in mind that the purpose of
this competition is to kill people, yeah.

00:24:39.172 --> 00:24:41.557
So that was technically
not a hate crime.

00:24:41.633 --> 00:24:45.595
I'm not a racist. I got like eight black
guys on my fantasy football team.

00:24:45.678 --> 00:24:48.651
I mean, not the quarterback obviously,
that's a thinking man's position.

00:24:48.723 --> 00:24:50.016
Seriously?

00:24:50.141 --> 00:24:51.233
(SHUDDERS)

00:24:52.811 --> 00:24:53.938
Oh, no, not this!

00:24:54.062 --> 00:24:55.154
Fuck this! Go!

00:24:55.438 --> 00:24:56.482
Whatever.

00:24:59.025 --> 00:25:00.448
(ALL GROAN)

00:25:02.195 --> 00:25:04.282
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

00:25:04.614 --> 00:25:07.462
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

00:25:07.534 --> 00:25:09.005
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

00:25:10.161 --> 00:25:12.712
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

00:25:13.498 --> 00:25:16.511
I just watched Django get
kerb-stomped by a teddy bear,

00:25:16.668 --> 00:25:19.302
two of our friends are MIA,
and, oh, did I mention,

00:25:19.379 --> 00:25:21.716
did I mention this, that my
mouth still tastes like shit!

00:25:21.881 --> 00:25:23.471
All right, dude, quit being a baby.

00:25:23.550 --> 00:25:26.010
My ass still hurts, too. You
don't hear me whining about it.

00:25:26.052 --> 00:25:27.855
It just won't go away.

00:25:28.346 --> 00:25:29.687
BOTH: Oh!

00:25:30.140 --> 00:25:31.812
What's happening, honkies?

00:25:31.891 --> 00:25:34.228
What the hell?
That Asian guy! Really?

00:25:34.310 --> 00:25:37.858
What? Oriental man cannot
practise acrobatics in the woods?

00:25:37.981 --> 00:25:40.484
You racist assholes think
I'm Viet Cong or something?

00:25:40.567 --> 00:25:42.370
Wait, why the fuck are you here?

00:25:42.527 --> 00:25:45.375
We had a sick night last night.
I still hungover.

00:25:45.488 --> 00:25:47.375
Just tell us what
the fuck happened, okay?

00:25:47.532 --> 00:25:49.039
You mean you don't remember?

00:25:49.200 --> 00:25:50.327
No.

00:25:50.869 --> 00:25:53.088
Human Centipede, bitches!

00:25:53.371 --> 00:25:55.293
What's a Human Centipede?

00:25:55.373 --> 00:25:58.221
Human Centipede only
the greatest idea ever.

00:25:58.334 --> 00:26:01.218
You sew a chain of people
from asshole to mouth hole.

00:26:01.379 --> 00:26:03.883
You share the same
digestive system.

00:26:03.965 --> 00:26:05.223
Check it out.

00:26:05.592 --> 00:26:07.597
We shit brothers!
Oh!

00:26:08.136 --> 00:26:09.180
I was the middle.

00:26:09.345 --> 00:26:10.603
No!

00:26:10.722 --> 00:26:11.979
What the fuck? Fuck!

00:26:12.056 --> 00:26:14.642
Why would we do that fucking...
That's disgusting!

00:26:14.726 --> 00:26:17.027
You have really potty mouth.

00:26:17.187 --> 00:26:19.073
You get it?
Potty mouth!

00:26:19.314 --> 00:26:20.986
Because your mouth was potty.

00:26:21.357 --> 00:26:22.650
(GAGGING)

00:26:26.029 --> 00:26:27.582
Just let it out, man.
(LAUGHING)

00:26:27.906 --> 00:26:31.583
Wait, hold on. I was in the
front, so I didn't eat any shit?

00:26:31.785 --> 00:26:34.418
Nope. You were total party pooper.

00:26:34.913 --> 00:26:35.956
Literally.

00:26:36.581 --> 00:26:38.752
(CHUCKLING)
Well, that's a relief, huh?

00:26:38.917 --> 00:26:40.554
ED: That's disgusting.

00:26:40.627 --> 00:26:43.095
(YAWNING)
It's getting really late.

00:26:43.379 --> 00:26:44.720
You know what they say,

00:26:44.798 --> 00:26:47.266
early to bed, early
to Human Centipede.

00:26:47.383 --> 00:26:49.436
I gotta go Human Centipede
with the Olsen twins.

00:26:49.511 --> 00:26:51.148
They've done it before.

00:26:51.221 --> 00:26:52.609
See you gay boys later.

00:26:57.602 --> 00:27:00.366
Let's find a place to sleep, buddy.
It's been a long day.

00:27:00.438 --> 00:27:01.945
Oh, Jesus!

00:27:02.107 --> 00:27:03.317
I didn't eat corn.

00:27:03.441 --> 00:27:04.699
Yeah, I did.

00:27:08.279 --> 00:27:09.703
(GROANING)

00:27:11.950 --> 00:27:15.378
Shit, human shit inside me.

00:27:15.453 --> 00:27:17.873
Hey, man, we've all been there.

00:27:18.957 --> 00:27:20.131
Really?

00:27:20.333 --> 00:27:22.338
Fuck, no, I've never been there.

00:27:22.419 --> 00:27:24.340
It's the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard.

00:27:24.421 --> 00:27:25.548
(CRYING) It is real gross.

00:27:25.797 --> 00:27:27.932
Hey, shit-for-breath,
be quiet for a second.

00:27:28.007 --> 00:27:30.688
Look over there.
Someone's got a fire going.

00:27:30.802 --> 00:27:31.894
That's dumb.

00:27:31.970 --> 00:27:33.013
Yup.

00:27:34.681 --> 00:27:37.480
MAN: I appreciate the spirited
conversation, gentlemen,

00:27:37.559 --> 00:27:39.362
but we all know there's no debate.

00:27:39.436 --> 00:27:42.021
I am the weirdest of all the Depps.

00:27:42.105 --> 00:27:44.490
I mean, for fuck's
sake, I'm a pirate

00:27:44.649 --> 00:27:46.986
who sashays round
like a bloody poof.

00:27:48.611 --> 00:27:51.032
And what of you there, top hat?

00:27:51.281 --> 00:27:54.045
Well, I do have my fair share
of psychological issues.

00:27:54.200 --> 00:27:56.965
My speech patterns mirror
those of sexual molesters.

00:27:57.036 --> 00:27:59.717
I keep a bunch of
dwarves as my slaves.

00:28:01.708 --> 00:28:03.760
And I masturbate in the chocolate.

00:28:03.835 --> 00:28:04.927
(GIGGLES)

00:28:05.003 --> 00:28:07.222
Every single batch.

00:28:07.464 --> 00:28:09.266
I think I might puke.

00:28:11.050 --> 00:28:12.438
(WHISTLES)

00:28:21.227 --> 00:28:22.948
Nice work, Tonto.

00:28:23.104 --> 00:28:24.990
Say good night, weirdos.

00:28:25.064 --> 00:28:26.951
A bloody smoke signal!

00:28:27.025 --> 00:28:29.326
You fucked us, you bloody Native!

00:28:29.486 --> 00:28:31.158
Tonto sick of white man.

00:28:31.237 --> 00:28:32.958
Yes, but we're all Depps, mate!

00:28:33.490 --> 00:28:36.254
Tonto especially sick of Depps.

00:28:36.576 --> 00:28:38.332
Are you gonna
rape and murder us?

00:28:38.703 --> 00:28:41.254
TEDDY: Keep it in your pants,
Scissorhands.

00:28:47.629 --> 00:28:49.385
Me next!
Me next!

00:28:51.382 --> 00:28:54.894
If you don't mind, I prefer
it in a chocolate factory.

00:29:00.517 --> 00:29:01.727
That's brutal.

00:29:02.727 --> 00:29:04.779
Now that's what I
call a deep throat.

00:29:05.271 --> 00:29:08.700
That means a dozen gone in the
first eight hours, Stephen A.,

00:29:08.775 --> 00:29:12.038
and I think I smell
an alliance forming.

00:29:12.278 --> 00:29:15.078
What the fuck do you mean,
an alliance?

00:29:15.198 --> 00:29:16.788
If it's supposed to be
every man for themself,

00:29:16.908 --> 00:29:18.701
they ain't gonna create
no fucking alliance.

00:29:18.743 --> 00:29:20.464
They're gonna be out there
killing each other.

00:29:20.537 --> 00:29:22.791
That don't make
no goddamn sense!

00:29:22.956 --> 00:29:25.755
I know. I can barely keep myself
from killing you, Stephen A.

00:29:25.917 --> 00:29:27.507
Can't fault you there.

00:29:30.755 --> 00:29:32.511
THOR:
That creepy, pale guy was bananas!

00:29:32.590 --> 00:29:34.227
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

00:29:34.300 --> 00:29:36.103
TEDDY: Hey, Thor, we get it.
You like cock.

00:29:37.137 --> 00:29:38.608
Fuck, dude.

00:29:38.763 --> 00:29:40.186
Don't stay here, don't stay
here, don't stay here.

00:29:40.265 --> 00:29:43.029
Anyway, guys, I'm pooped. What say
we just stay here for the night?

00:29:43.560 --> 00:29:46.146
ZACH: Do you guys think there's
a Chili's out here?

00:29:47.147 --> 00:29:50.195
I'll settle for an Applebee's,
but it would be grudgingly.

00:29:51.651 --> 00:29:53.324
What the fuck is
he doing with them?

00:29:53.403 --> 00:29:56.701
I think he's looking for a reasonably
priced casual dining restaurant.

00:29:56.781 --> 00:29:57.873
Thor?

00:29:57.991 --> 00:29:59.581
Awesome Blossom?

00:30:00.326 --> 00:30:02.581
Tonto?
Jalapeno poppers?

00:30:03.246 --> 00:30:05.002
Something for you, Bloody?

00:30:05.081 --> 00:30:07.501
If you talk to me again, I
will murder your whole family

00:30:07.584 --> 00:30:11.096
and terrorise whatever little Podunk
town you come from, you hear me?

00:30:11.171 --> 00:30:14.848
Okay, more fully loaded
potato skins for me then.

00:30:15.133 --> 00:30:16.521
How about a bear claw?

00:30:16.593 --> 00:30:18.514
Maybe a bun for the wiener?

00:30:19.137 --> 00:30:22.649
All right, table for six, seven.
Ladies?

00:30:23.516 --> 00:30:25.394
You know, I don't think
we fit the dress code.

00:30:25.435 --> 00:30:28.283
Oh, it's a Chili's.
You guys will be fine.

00:30:31.858 --> 00:30:33.578
I kill him now, yes?

00:30:33.651 --> 00:30:34.779
No.

00:30:34.861 --> 00:30:36.415
Let's lock him in
a burning gymnasium

00:30:36.488 --> 00:30:39.584
and wait till his guttural
screams slowly fade away.

00:30:40.033 --> 00:30:41.670
TEDDY: Easy, Scary.

00:30:41.868 --> 00:30:44.668
We need to keep that fat sack
of Asperger's alive for now.

00:30:45.205 --> 00:30:48.301
He's our best shot at finding
those two other fuck nuggets.

00:30:48.374 --> 00:30:51.673
Would you guys shush already?
I need to get my beauty sleep.

00:30:52.462 --> 00:30:53.719
(GROANS)

00:30:54.297 --> 00:30:56.267
I'm never gonna be
able to sleep now.

00:30:57.008 --> 00:30:59.476
I'm gonna have insomnia for sure.

00:31:00.637 --> 00:31:02.025
(SIGHS)

00:31:02.180 --> 00:31:04.351
This was the worst day ever.

00:31:17.362 --> 00:31:18.703
(SNORING)

00:31:32.210 --> 00:31:33.421
What the...

00:31:33.878 --> 00:31:35.089
Shit!

00:31:35.255 --> 00:31:37.723
Jesus! Shut up, Ed.

00:31:37.924 --> 00:31:39.846
Got hit with a fucking boulder.

00:31:40.593 --> 00:31:41.685
Hey!

00:31:45.223 --> 00:31:46.860
She seems friendly.

00:31:51.729 --> 00:31:53.201
What are you nodding at?

00:31:53.273 --> 00:31:54.566
I don't...

00:31:57.068 --> 00:31:58.741
Use your fucking words!

00:32:09.414 --> 00:32:11.300
She wants us to saw the hive off

00:32:11.416 --> 00:32:13.338
so that it falls onto them below.

00:32:13.418 --> 00:32:14.925
GIRL: No fuckin' shit.

00:32:16.755 --> 00:32:18.594
Vulgar little child.

00:32:18.923 --> 00:32:21.260
Oh, I have a Swiss Army knife.

00:32:21.926 --> 00:32:23.100
Okay.

00:32:24.888 --> 00:32:27.224
Uh, hey, you know,
I'm not really athletic.

00:32:27.307 --> 00:32:28.897
Do you mind just climbing up there?

00:32:28.975 --> 00:32:30.731
Take one for the team?
Come on.

00:32:31.978 --> 00:32:33.105
Nice.

00:32:38.276 --> 00:32:40.780
Oh, snap! Now looky here.

00:32:40.987 --> 00:32:44.119
Them motherfucking hungover honkies
got a trick up their sleeve.

00:32:44.282 --> 00:32:46.418
Is that a Swagger
Jacker nest, Skip?

00:32:46.493 --> 00:32:49.043
Correct, you are. Now these guys
are gonna have to be careful.

00:32:49.120 --> 00:32:52.050
Swagger Jackers
are no ordinary bees.

00:32:52.123 --> 00:32:54.045
They are
genetically engineered wasps

00:32:54.125 --> 00:32:55.383
that when they sting you,

00:32:55.460 --> 00:32:58.141
they drain your body's
natural swagger supply.

00:32:58.296 --> 00:33:01.345
In other words, they make
you a straight bitch.

00:33:01.424 --> 00:33:04.521
Precisely. And just a few
stings can prove lethal.

00:33:05.303 --> 00:33:07.439
I'm crossing my fingers, Skip.

00:33:07.597 --> 00:33:08.724
Me, too.

00:33:16.147 --> 00:33:18.651
I know you aren't trying
to cut down our nest!

00:33:20.902 --> 00:33:21.994
Does that hurt?

00:33:22.070 --> 00:33:23.114
Yes, it hurt!

00:33:23.238 --> 00:33:25.325
Dude, don't be a pussy.
Saw!

00:33:25.824 --> 00:33:27.117
(SNORING)

00:33:28.159 --> 00:33:29.370
Oh, God.

00:33:32.705 --> 00:33:35.007
They're not gonna sleep in
much longer. Hurry up, man!

00:33:36.292 --> 00:33:37.965
(SWAGGER JACKERS CHATTERING)

00:33:38.420 --> 00:33:39.511
Hurry up!

00:33:39.629 --> 00:33:41.183
Get away from the nest, jerk-off!

00:33:45.176 --> 00:33:46.813
TEDDY: Flew in my fucking hole!

00:33:46.886 --> 00:33:47.930
(SHRIEKING)

00:33:49.139 --> 00:33:51.108
TEDDY: Oh, shit!
Got a bee in my cock.

00:33:53.309 --> 00:33:54.863
(ALL SCREAMING)

00:33:58.481 --> 00:33:59.869
Oh, Jesus.

00:34:02.986 --> 00:34:04.327
Hey, you okay?

00:34:04.404 --> 00:34:06.824
A couple of Swagger
Jack-offs stung me.

00:34:07.240 --> 00:34:09.826
(SLURRING)
But I'm good.

00:34:09.993 --> 00:34:11.914
Hey, hey, hey, sure?
You don't look too good.

00:34:11.995 --> 00:34:13.501
I don't feel too good.

00:34:13.621 --> 00:34:15.045
No, no, no, no!
Bradley!

00:34:20.795 --> 00:34:22.219
I'm coming for you!

00:34:23.256 --> 00:34:24.549
You guys see that?

00:34:24.632 --> 00:34:25.676
(SCREAMING)

00:34:25.759 --> 00:34:27.265
Shit! Shit!

00:34:27.343 --> 00:34:29.016
This chubba has literally no swag.

00:34:30.388 --> 00:34:33.152
Hey! I was looking
all over for you guys!

00:34:39.898 --> 00:34:40.989
(ALL GROANING)

00:34:41.065 --> 00:34:42.821
BRADLEY: God, my face hurts.

00:34:42.901 --> 00:34:45.618
Oh, I can feel my
heartbeat in my ears.

00:34:45.695 --> 00:34:47.202
It's throbbing.
It's really loud.

00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:50.246
Hey. Does my head look weird?
It's so loud.

00:34:50.492 --> 00:34:51.583
No.

00:34:51.659 --> 00:34:53.711
But your body is super tiny.

00:34:55.872 --> 00:34:57.083
It is?

00:34:57.248 --> 00:34:59.253
Your body is super tiny, man.

00:34:59.626 --> 00:35:01.263
Do I look okay?

00:35:02.796 --> 00:35:03.923
Yeah.

00:35:05.673 --> 00:35:06.765
You're cool.

00:35:06.841 --> 00:35:08.728
I am cool, thank you.

00:35:09.094 --> 00:35:11.478
This is napping cool time for me.

00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:12.937
(GROANS)

00:35:13.223 --> 00:35:15.643
This is a terrible pillow.

00:35:16.810 --> 00:35:18.281
Sleep sounds good.

00:35:33.576 --> 00:35:34.668
Hi.

00:35:35.120 --> 00:35:36.626
I've missed you.

00:35:37.163 --> 00:35:39.334
I've missed you, too, Katnip.

00:35:40.166 --> 00:35:41.554
I'm only 17.

00:35:41.668 --> 00:35:43.056
What?

00:35:43.128 --> 00:35:44.255
Nothing.

00:35:44.337 --> 00:35:46.722
I have something to show you.

00:35:50.176 --> 00:35:51.268
ED: Yes.

00:35:51.594 --> 00:35:52.686
Yes.

00:35:54.806 --> 00:35:56.147
No!

00:35:57.851 --> 00:35:59.690
Why?

00:35:59.853 --> 00:36:03.151
Hey, are you having
a wet hallucination, Ed?

00:36:03.314 --> 00:36:05.783
Yeah, you know,
a nocturnal emission?

00:36:05.942 --> 00:36:09.406
God, just when I thought
I couldn't hate you any more.

00:36:09.571 --> 00:36:13.165
Hey, ease up. We didn't
choose this way of life.

00:36:13.241 --> 00:36:15.246
Yeah, it's no picnic.

00:36:15.535 --> 00:36:18.299
You know how hard it is
to motorboat yourself?

00:36:18.371 --> 00:36:19.664
God, please don't do it.

00:36:22.208 --> 00:36:24.011
This is the worst
wet dream of my life.

00:36:24.377 --> 00:36:25.421
See?

00:36:25.545 --> 00:36:27.597
Zach, how can you even ruin boobs?

00:36:27.797 --> 00:36:30.348
Hey, does my mouth
look like a nipple?

00:36:33.094 --> 00:36:34.268
Uh...

00:36:34.345 --> 00:36:35.852
It kinda does.

00:36:37.640 --> 00:36:40.191
Okay, this is getting weird.
Maybe we should wake him up.

00:36:40.351 --> 00:36:41.739
Okay, okay, okay.

00:36:41.811 --> 00:36:43.104
On my count.

00:36:43.354 --> 00:36:46.902
One, two, three!

00:36:47.567 --> 00:36:48.659
BOTH: Boom!

00:36:48.818 --> 00:36:49.945
Bearded boobies!

00:36:50.278 --> 00:36:51.666
(SHOUTING)

00:36:56.534 --> 00:36:57.958
How long have we been out, man?

00:36:58.203 --> 00:36:59.460
Couple days.

00:36:59.537 --> 00:37:01.749
I've been licking your wounds.
What?

00:37:01.831 --> 00:37:04.679
I've been watching you guys sleep,
nursing you back to health.

00:37:04.834 --> 00:37:08.013
Scrotal touching was just
for medicinal purposes.

00:37:09.214 --> 00:37:12.595
We saw those Swagger
Jackers sting you, man. A lot.

00:37:12.675 --> 00:37:14.515
Yeah, but their venom has no effect

00:37:14.636 --> 00:37:16.475
if you have no swagger to jack.

00:37:16.554 --> 00:37:18.394
Hold on a second.

00:37:19.057 --> 00:37:21.059
What the hell were you
doing with that gang, man?

00:37:24.562 --> 00:37:26.235
You were gonna help them kill us?

00:37:27.565 --> 00:37:29.902
You guys, I don't do
well with peer pressure.

00:37:29.984 --> 00:37:32.321
I didn't really want to murder you.

00:37:32.570 --> 00:37:34.825
But you would have?

00:37:38.618 --> 00:37:39.876
Oh, come on!

00:37:39.953 --> 00:37:41.839
I'm sorry!
I had a moment of weakness!

00:37:41.913 --> 00:37:44.713
I nursed you back to health.
Don't you feel swaggy?

00:37:45.875 --> 00:37:46.967
Yeah.

00:37:47.085 --> 00:37:48.259
Yeah.

00:37:48.628 --> 00:37:50.431
I really do, actually.

00:37:51.047 --> 00:37:52.388
It's because of this.

00:37:52.465 --> 00:37:53.592
Swagger Balm.

00:37:56.928 --> 00:37:59.514
"Ingredients, aloe, palm oil,

00:37:59.597 --> 00:38:02.101
"and Kanye West extract?"

00:38:02.308 --> 00:38:04.693
Tastes just like the real thing.

00:38:05.145 --> 00:38:06.236
(GAGGING)

00:38:06.312 --> 00:38:07.736
WOMAN: Hey, boys.

00:38:07.897 --> 00:38:09.653
We thought we smelt some swagger.

00:38:11.609 --> 00:38:12.737
Puts the rocks down, buddy.

00:38:12.819 --> 00:38:14.160
(WHOOPING)

00:38:14.446 --> 00:38:18.289
I just wanna get
sloppy drunk and slutty!

00:38:18.908 --> 00:38:21.127
Way too late for that, sweetheart.

00:38:21.911 --> 00:38:23.003
I get the blondes.

00:38:23.079 --> 00:38:24.123
Okay.

00:38:26.791 --> 00:38:28.298
That's rich!

00:38:28.752 --> 00:38:33.343
So then I divorced that asshole
and took half of everything.

00:38:33.840 --> 00:38:36.343
That's how I got my lucky charm.

00:38:36.843 --> 00:38:39.263
Is it that ring?
It's lovely.

00:38:39.345 --> 00:38:41.267
I'm not talking about that.

00:38:41.347 --> 00:38:42.735
I'm talking about

00:38:42.807 --> 00:38:43.899
this.

00:38:44.476 --> 00:38:46.278
(LAUGHING)
Is that a fucking ball?

00:38:46.352 --> 00:38:47.563
Neat!

00:38:49.647 --> 00:38:53.870
I told you, when I took half of
everything, I meant half of everything.

00:38:54.027 --> 00:38:56.708
You girls are such a treat.

00:38:56.863 --> 00:38:58.500
Great!
Here's to good friends!

00:38:58.656 --> 00:38:59.867
And you two bitches.

00:39:01.493 --> 00:39:03.414
Well, well, well,

00:39:03.536 --> 00:39:05.873
if it isn't the popular girls.

00:39:06.039 --> 00:39:08.376
Nice blood outfit, honey, but
that's worse than pleather.

00:39:08.792 --> 00:39:11.260
What is that, O positive?

00:39:11.461 --> 00:39:12.968
Awful.
So last season.

00:39:13.046 --> 00:39:14.090
What is that, gas?

00:39:14.172 --> 00:39:16.550
You got that on my Gucci dress!
Bitch!

00:39:17.133 --> 00:39:18.426
What are you doing?

00:39:18.551 --> 00:39:19.844
Do you know how much this cost?

00:39:21.805 --> 00:39:23.726
Wait, I just wanna
see where this is going!

00:39:23.807 --> 00:39:25.194
Zach, let's go!

00:39:25.892 --> 00:39:27.019
Game, set...

00:39:27.185 --> 00:39:28.359
No! No!

00:39:29.354 --> 00:39:30.695
...match!

00:39:31.272 --> 00:39:32.863
(ALL SCREAMING)

00:39:33.817 --> 00:39:36.830
WOMAN: My tits are gonna melt!

00:39:45.161 --> 00:39:48.009
You wanted to see me,
President Snowbama?

00:39:48.540 --> 00:39:51.921
Tell me, have you
ever been hungover?

00:39:52.544 --> 00:39:54.050
Why, yes.

00:39:54.421 --> 00:39:56.722
I'm actually hungover right now.

00:39:57.257 --> 00:39:59.641
Never pass out in a crowded bar.

00:40:00.593 --> 00:40:03.441
Yes, they shaved
a dick on my face, sir.

00:40:04.431 --> 00:40:08.108
These hungover contestants,
people seem to care about them.

00:40:08.852 --> 00:40:11.355
Yes?
Is that a bad thing, sir?

00:40:11.438 --> 00:40:13.490
The Games are a distraction

00:40:13.565 --> 00:40:16.033
so people won't notice
the crap we peddle out.

00:40:16.109 --> 00:40:19.206
Sequels, remakes, spoofs.

00:40:21.239 --> 00:40:23.624
When people start to care,
bad things happen.

00:40:23.742 --> 00:40:24.999
Ratings go down,

00:40:25.160 --> 00:40:27.247
beards get shaved.

00:40:27.620 --> 00:40:29.460
I've got it under control, sir.

00:40:40.633 --> 00:40:42.270
It's a kitty cat.

00:40:42.635 --> 00:40:44.605
'Cause you're a little pussy.

00:40:48.808 --> 00:40:50.813
Thank you, Mr President.

00:40:53.396 --> 00:40:54.950
(CANNON BLAST)

00:40:55.231 --> 00:40:58.695
Shit! Any one of these
cannon blasts could be Doug.

00:40:58.777 --> 00:41:00.532
We don't even know
if he's still alive.

00:41:00.612 --> 00:41:03.198
Hey, I'm scared, too, but the one
thing that's not gonna get us

00:41:03.239 --> 00:41:05.576
back to that gay wedding is
sitting here crying about it.

00:41:05.825 --> 00:41:08.127
There should only be
a handful of contestants left.

00:41:08.995 --> 00:41:10.122
We can do this, man.

00:41:10.246 --> 00:41:11.338
You guys.

00:41:11.998 --> 00:41:15.174
Hey, since we're standing around
sharing things, I've got a doozy.

00:41:15.251 --> 00:41:17.054
What the hell did you do, Zach?

00:41:17.253 --> 00:41:19.424
You know the air fresheners
that I plugged in?

00:41:19.506 --> 00:41:21.012
Best thing you ever did.
They were delightful.

00:41:21.091 --> 00:41:26.014
Well, it wasn't Lilac or Morning
Mist or Brazilian Breeze.

00:41:26.096 --> 00:41:27.768
It was Midnight Berry.

00:41:27.847 --> 00:41:29.603
What the shit is Midnight Berry?

00:41:29.849 --> 00:41:32.732
From the novels.
It's aromatic.

00:41:33.186 --> 00:41:35.487
What's so bad about that?

00:41:36.106 --> 00:41:37.992
Well, I didn't finish my thought.

00:41:38.983 --> 00:41:42.246
It's aromatic,
poisonous and lethal.

00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:44.123
What the fuck is wrong with you?

00:41:44.197 --> 00:41:45.917
Are you kidding me?

00:41:45.990 --> 00:41:49.872
I think you guys are getting hung up on
the fact that it's poisonous and lethal.

00:41:49.953 --> 00:41:51.709
They smell fresh.

00:41:52.080 --> 00:41:53.172
Smell.

00:41:54.207 --> 00:41:55.500
Jesus!
Fuck, man!

00:41:55.875 --> 00:41:57.002
God!

00:41:57.168 --> 00:41:58.426
(GROANS)

00:41:59.087 --> 00:42:01.092
Yeah, it says right
here on the label,

00:42:01.172 --> 00:42:05.598
"May cause transportation
to futuristic dystopia."

00:42:05.677 --> 00:42:06.768
"Maw.

00:42:06.845 --> 00:42:08.980
You're the reason we're here,
you sausage-fingered fuck!

00:42:09.055 --> 00:42:10.229
This is all your fault!

00:42:10.348 --> 00:42:13.527
Hey, you said you liked the scent!
Because I like floral scents!

00:42:13.601 --> 00:42:14.645
Well, there, he said it!

00:42:14.727 --> 00:42:17.445
So now I forgive you guys
and we can move forward!

00:42:17.647 --> 00:42:18.821
I... Ooh!

00:42:18.898 --> 00:42:21.698
I hope you die out here.

00:42:23.445 --> 00:42:24.488
No.

00:42:24.612 --> 00:42:26.203
You fucked up.

00:42:29.242 --> 00:42:30.998
That was harsh.

00:42:41.588 --> 00:42:44.305
The sloth is heading towards
the soup pot. Over.

00:42:44.382 --> 00:42:46.387
<i>MAN: 10-4, squaw without bra.</i>

00:42:47.177 --> 00:42:48.268
Nice.

00:42:48.762 --> 00:42:50.814
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Real nice.

00:42:53.600 --> 00:42:55.569
Stupid Midnight Berry!

00:42:55.727 --> 00:42:58.906
Why does something so fragrant
have to be so bad?

00:42:59.230 --> 00:43:00.274
(SIGHS)

00:43:00.356 --> 00:43:02.990
Thank God, thank God.
Thank God.

00:43:03.068 --> 00:43:04.111
(WOMEN GIGGLING)

00:43:17.624 --> 00:43:20.721
Get outta the way.
Get outta the way.

00:43:25.423 --> 00:43:27.760
Yeah, that's more like it.

00:43:27.842 --> 00:43:28.934
There.

00:43:33.181 --> 00:43:36.775
I thought I'd never say this,
but Daddy wants blue balls.

00:43:55.453 --> 00:43:57.505
<i>MAN OVER PA:
Attention, everyone. Attention.</i>

00:43:57.872 --> 00:44:00.590
We have some new
rules for you kids.

00:44:00.667 --> 00:44:02.055
<i>From this point forward</i>

00:44:02.210 --> 00:44:07.347
contestants of colour will be
granted special consideration.

00:44:07.424 --> 00:44:09.974
Yes, I'm talking about
affirmative action, people.

00:44:10.260 --> 00:44:11.351
Zach!
<i>It's the 21st century...</i>

00:44:11.469 --> 00:44:13.474
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

00:44:16.433 --> 00:44:17.690
Whatever you say.

00:44:18.351 --> 00:44:22.408
I think I speak for all of us when
I ask you to give us some privacy.

00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:24.034
With pleasure.

00:44:27.026 --> 00:44:28.829
WOMAN: Boys, have at him.

00:44:31.865 --> 00:44:33.206
Nice weave, bitch.

00:44:33.366 --> 00:44:36.130
Her hair is all natural.
Take that back!

00:44:36.661 --> 00:44:39.295
You wanna kill her,
you gotta kill me first.

00:44:39.372 --> 00:44:40.665
(SCREAMS)

00:44:46.504 --> 00:44:48.841
Blue scalp.
Rarest of scalps.

00:44:50.216 --> 00:44:51.604
Your turn, dumpy.

00:44:56.848 --> 00:44:57.975
Yeah!

00:45:02.020 --> 00:45:05.234
Gratuitous nudity no match
for gratuitous violence.

00:45:35.845 --> 00:45:37.815
Farewell, my princess.

00:45:40.475 --> 00:45:41.732
(CRYING)

00:45:42.393 --> 00:45:44.529
Maybe just one more squeeze.

00:45:48.775 --> 00:45:50.984
Go in a bit tighter.

00:45:51.736 --> 00:45:54.121
What the hell is he doing?

00:45:58.451 --> 00:45:59.702
Nothing on three.
I don't know.

00:45:59.744 --> 00:46:00.955
Oh, no.

00:46:02.747 --> 00:46:03.958
Oh, no.

00:46:06.292 --> 00:46:09.010
Vivian, would you
please get IT in here?

00:46:09.629 --> 00:46:10.887
Oy vey.

00:46:11.381 --> 00:46:12.804
What up, bitches?

00:46:12.966 --> 00:46:14.009
You fix computers?

00:46:14.134 --> 00:46:15.177
Hell yeah!

00:46:15.260 --> 00:46:19.222
I may be sociopathic gangster, but
I'm still Asian, motherfuckers!

00:46:19.931 --> 00:46:21.023
What?

00:46:21.099 --> 00:46:23.733
No, no, no, I really don't think you
should be messing around with...

00:46:23.810 --> 00:46:24.984
Finished!

00:46:26.146 --> 00:46:27.569
Excellent.

00:46:28.606 --> 00:46:29.864
Thank you.

00:46:32.485 --> 00:46:34.455
We're back up, people.

00:46:35.822 --> 00:46:38.752
Oh, come on, Zach!
That not cool.

00:46:38.825 --> 00:46:39.869
(LAUGHING)

00:46:39.951 --> 00:46:41.790
Excuse me.
You may leave now.

00:46:41.953 --> 00:46:43.875
What, I get no tip?
No.

00:46:43.955 --> 00:46:46.174
I take cash, credit, no cheque.

00:46:46.249 --> 00:46:47.459
But I'll take a bump of coke.

00:46:47.542 --> 00:46:50.181
All right, get the hell out of here.
Chop-chop!

00:46:50.462 --> 00:46:51.672
(SIGHS)

00:46:52.505 --> 00:46:54.807
What to do, what to do?

00:46:56.009 --> 00:46:58.345
You wanna get the ratings up?

00:46:58.970 --> 00:47:01.604
I got one word for you,

00:47:04.142 --> 00:47:05.862
bromance.

00:47:06.436 --> 00:47:09.236
That's not a real word.

00:47:09.397 --> 00:47:12.280
You wanna give
these districts a story?

00:47:14.027 --> 00:47:18.618
Well, you need to
keep these guys together.

00:47:19.157 --> 00:47:20.284
Not separate.

00:47:21.493 --> 00:47:22.667
Hmm.

00:47:24.788 --> 00:47:27.006
I got one word for you,

00:47:28.833 --> 00:47:30.044
heroin.

00:47:31.878 --> 00:47:34.512
"Heroin" is the one word?

00:47:34.589 --> 00:47:35.681
No.

00:47:35.840 --> 00:47:38.225
I'm just really looking for some.
You holding?

00:47:38.301 --> 00:47:39.559
I'm sorry.

00:47:39.677 --> 00:47:41.683
I got one word for you,

00:47:44.057 --> 00:47:45.398
dicksauce.

00:47:45.558 --> 00:47:47.777
"Dicksauce"? "Dicksauce"
is the one word?

00:47:47.852 --> 00:47:49.193
You can't buy that shit.

00:47:49.354 --> 00:47:52.568
Well, thank you. Your time
here has been so valuable.

00:47:52.649 --> 00:47:53.906
(SHOUTS)

00:47:59.781 --> 00:48:01.703
Bromance. Hmm.

00:48:06.579 --> 00:48:07.671
(PANTING)

00:48:07.747 --> 00:48:09.337
Hey, hey, hey.

00:48:09.707 --> 00:48:11.261
Is that water?

00:48:11.709 --> 00:48:13.928
Fuck it, I'm thirsty as hell!

00:48:16.423 --> 00:48:18.593
Don't put your mouth on that.
It's gross.

00:48:18.675 --> 00:48:20.228
Do you think it's filtered?

00:48:20.885 --> 00:48:22.059
Really?

00:48:22.220 --> 00:48:23.431
I only drink bottled water.

00:48:24.097 --> 00:48:26.440
Didn't you just have shit in your mouth?
All right! Fine!

00:48:26.516 --> 00:48:28.817
I didn't intentionally
have shit in my mouth.

00:48:28.893 --> 00:48:31.320
It tastes a lot like blood, though.
(SPITTING)

00:48:31.396 --> 00:48:32.488
What?

00:48:32.564 --> 00:48:35.198
<i>MAN OVER PA: Check, check.
Hot mic. Hot mic.</i>

00:48:35.275 --> 00:48:37.743
<i>Attention, everyone.
Attention.</i>

00:48:38.069 --> 00:48:40.454
There has been
a change in the rules.

00:48:40.613 --> 00:48:45.039
Yes, from now on, multiple
victors may be crowned

00:48:45.118 --> 00:48:49.709
<i>if they survive the Games
and share a long-standing bond</i>

00:48:50.039 --> 00:48:52.590
of exceptional male bromance.

00:48:52.751 --> 00:48:54.091
They can do that?

00:48:54.252 --> 00:48:56.933
Yes, I am allowed to do this.

00:48:57.088 --> 00:48:59.592
I can do whatever the fuck I want,
I'm a motherfucking Gamesman!

00:48:59.674 --> 00:49:00.718
Noted.

00:49:00.800 --> 00:49:03.055
So good luck to you all

00:49:03.136 --> 00:49:06.564
and may the probabilities
be ever to your liking.

00:49:08.475 --> 00:49:10.811
So that means we can
all get out of this alive.

00:49:10.977 --> 00:49:13.196
All we have to do is find Doug and

00:49:13.438 --> 00:49:16.692
Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach!
BRADLEY: We're sorry, buddy!

00:49:18.109 --> 00:49:19.402
Zach!

00:49:21.321 --> 00:49:22.958
Where are you, man?

00:49:24.699 --> 00:49:26.455
You dropped your glasses.

00:49:27.410 --> 00:49:29.830
Hey, quick question.

00:49:30.413 --> 00:49:33.261
If they can just change
the rules at anytime,

00:49:33.333 --> 00:49:36.050
why don't they just pick who they
want to win and make it happen?

00:49:37.128 --> 00:49:38.884
This is confusing to me.

00:49:38.963 --> 00:49:41.300
Don't worry about it, man.
It's just a plot hole.

00:49:43.009 --> 00:49:44.979
Hold on a sec.
What?

00:49:45.178 --> 00:49:46.566
Zach said they used these birds

00:49:46.679 --> 00:49:48.067
to find each other in the book.

00:49:48.139 --> 00:49:50.310
Like by whistling to them.
Hmm.

00:49:50.767 --> 00:49:52.274
Worth a shot.

00:49:54.270 --> 00:49:55.694
(WHISTLING)

00:49:59.317 --> 00:50:00.409
Yeah, that worked.

00:50:00.485 --> 00:50:01.577
Shut up.

00:50:01.820 --> 00:50:03.197
All right, one more time.
Damn it.

00:50:03.238 --> 00:50:04.495
Sure, I'll help.

00:50:05.115 --> 00:50:06.752
(BOTH WHISTLING)

00:50:07.617 --> 00:50:09.622
TALKING JAY: Suck my bird cock!

00:50:09.702 --> 00:50:10.995
Come on!
Really?

00:50:11.162 --> 00:50:13.167
Marco! Marco!

00:50:13.331 --> 00:50:14.672
We don't have time for this!

00:50:14.791 --> 00:50:16.084
Marco!

00:50:17.502 --> 00:50:19.721
Why couldn't you just say, "Polo"?

00:50:19.838 --> 00:50:21.309
There you are.

00:50:21.381 --> 00:50:22.934
Listen, not that I give a hoot,

00:50:23.007 --> 00:50:27.018
but your fat friend Zach's about a
half mile away from here with Katnip.

00:50:27.095 --> 00:50:28.269
How do you know?

00:50:28.346 --> 00:50:29.853
A little birdie told me.

00:50:30.014 --> 00:50:34.570
And by a little birdie, I mean a
chickadee who gave me a beakjob.

00:50:34.727 --> 00:50:37.408
You want to find
this overgrown garden gnome?

00:50:37.480 --> 00:50:40.659
Yeah. And Katnip.
And stop fucking yelling, man.

00:50:48.283 --> 00:50:52.542
TALKING JAY: Anyway, that's why I'm not
allowed to go near schools any more.

00:50:53.747 --> 00:50:55.134
Good to know.

00:50:55.206 --> 00:50:56.417
Yeah!

00:50:57.083 --> 00:50:59.302
You guys!
Oh. my God!

00:50:59.377 --> 00:51:00.967
I missed you guys so much!

00:51:04.632 --> 00:51:06.186
Yeah. Okay.

00:51:06.259 --> 00:51:07.433
Where's Katnip?

00:51:07.844 --> 00:51:09.398
She's over there.

00:51:11.848 --> 00:51:13.818
You've got the talking jay!

00:51:13.892 --> 00:51:17.356
Sorry, Bradley, but this guy just
made me crap down your shirt.

00:51:17.437 --> 00:51:20.322
Everything he says is so foul!
Yeah, he says disgusting stuff.

00:51:20.398 --> 00:51:21.442
Come on!

00:51:21.524 --> 00:51:24.110
Where are we going?
Fuck.

00:51:28.948 --> 00:51:30.076
Ooh.

00:51:36.790 --> 00:51:39.091
Maybe I should tell her I'm...

00:51:39.626 --> 00:51:41.465
No, no, I should not.

00:51:41.878 --> 00:51:43.089
(SIGHS)

00:51:43.797 --> 00:51:45.434
Wow, yeah, this is not...

00:51:46.132 --> 00:51:48.517
This isn't pervy at all.
Yes, it is.

00:51:51.304 --> 00:51:53.523
Hey! Perverted ass cracker!

00:51:53.890 --> 00:51:55.017
Hey!

00:51:55.809 --> 00:51:57.814
Trees are nice here.

00:51:57.894 --> 00:51:58.986
Ed!

00:52:00.396 --> 00:52:02.283
Oh, my God, you're okay!

00:52:02.357 --> 00:52:03.484
Hey!

00:52:06.152 --> 00:52:07.279
Oh...

00:52:08.279 --> 00:52:13.120
Um, that is a respect boner. A
boner achieved out of respect.

00:52:13.201 --> 00:52:14.293
Um...

00:52:14.619 --> 00:52:17.039
You know I'm 17, right?
La, la, la!

00:52:17.122 --> 00:52:19.209
What? I can't hear you!
It just got real loud in here!

00:52:19.290 --> 00:52:20.382
Hey, guys. hell.

00:52:20.500 --> 00:52:21.592
Hi.

00:52:21.751 --> 00:52:23.044
No sign of Doug?

00:52:23.169 --> 00:52:24.462
Nope. Nothing.

00:52:26.506 --> 00:52:28.060
Wait a minute.

00:52:28.133 --> 00:52:31.177
He came with your district. You were
the last one to see him at the arena.

00:52:31.261 --> 00:52:33.811
Do you have any idea where he went?

00:52:35.598 --> 00:52:39.442
Well, do you feel like telling us?

00:52:41.312 --> 00:52:44.327
Okay, I've had about enough of this.
Hey, hey, hey, come on!

00:52:44.482 --> 00:52:46.867
That's like a triple hate crime.

00:52:47.152 --> 00:52:48.243
Hey.

00:52:49.154 --> 00:52:51.123
They're just looking
for their friend.

00:52:51.197 --> 00:52:53.617
Do you want to tell them?
For me?

00:52:55.326 --> 00:52:56.999
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

00:53:06.171 --> 00:53:07.512
You got Norsed!

00:53:08.173 --> 00:53:09.264
Shit!

00:53:09.340 --> 00:53:10.728
What the hell is wrong with you?

00:53:14.095 --> 00:53:15.187
Oh, shit!

00:53:15.388 --> 00:53:17.025
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

00:53:22.020 --> 00:53:24.356
That took awhile. Who wants
to go get margaritas?

00:53:24.564 --> 00:53:26.735
What the frick do we do now?

00:53:26.816 --> 00:53:28.370
I don't know, Zach,
it's been a while since

00:53:28.526 --> 00:53:30.080
I've had to battle
the God of Thunder!

00:53:33.782 --> 00:53:35.075
Hey, blondie!

00:53:35.575 --> 00:53:37.378
Pick on someone your own size!

00:53:39.412 --> 00:53:40.705
(CHOKING)

00:53:43.708 --> 00:53:45.713
Yeah! Nice shot, Ed!

00:53:46.127 --> 00:53:49.888
I just killed a god.
Did you guys see...

00:53:49.964 --> 00:53:51.056
Oh, shit.

00:53:54.552 --> 00:53:55.679
Hey.

00:53:56.596 --> 00:53:58.566
You okay? Come on, wake up.

00:53:59.432 --> 00:54:01.687
You're a doctor, right?
You can help her.

00:54:02.393 --> 00:54:04.031
I'm a dentist.

00:54:04.771 --> 00:54:06.159
Check her teeth.

00:54:11.444 --> 00:54:11.693
ZACH: <i>♪ Ave Maria</i>

00:54:11.694 --> 00:54:15.206
ZACH: <i>♪ Ave Maria</i>

00:54:21.746 --> 00:54:25.210
<i>♪ Gratia plena ♪</i>

00:54:30.797 --> 00:54:32.968
You guys wanna hear some Wu-Tang?

00:54:34.801 --> 00:54:36.391
She was so young.

00:54:36.719 --> 00:54:38.107
What a waste.

00:54:39.597 --> 00:54:40.689
There, buddy.

00:54:40.890 --> 00:54:42.978
She had so much ahead for her.

00:54:43.309 --> 00:54:44.602
Her first kiss.

00:54:45.061 --> 00:54:46.651
Her first handjob.

00:54:48.106 --> 00:54:49.945
Her first bukkake.

00:54:50.608 --> 00:54:52.364
Unless you guys wanna
give her a send-off.

00:54:52.444 --> 00:54:54.199
No.
Wow.

00:54:57.282 --> 00:54:58.835
She's at peace.

00:54:59.117 --> 00:55:01.336
Or in some dark, endless abyss.

00:55:08.668 --> 00:55:09.795
Wait.

00:55:10.628 --> 00:55:12.598
We need to pay our respects.

00:55:13.006 --> 00:55:14.394
With a salute.

00:55:23.641 --> 00:55:25.232
Two in the pink.

00:55:26.060 --> 00:55:27.448
One in the stink.

00:55:27.520 --> 00:55:28.813
ALL: Forever.

00:55:48.124 --> 00:55:50.129
Can I ask you a serious question?

00:55:50.335 --> 00:55:51.972
Yeah, anything, man.

00:55:52.128 --> 00:55:55.177
Which one's the pink
and which one's the stink?

00:55:55.548 --> 00:55:57.269
Because they're both pinkish.

00:55:57.342 --> 00:55:59.014
And they both stink.

00:55:59.677 --> 00:56:00.769
Yeah.

00:56:00.970 --> 00:56:03.022
Remember when I told you
to ask me anything?

00:56:03.681 --> 00:56:04.974
Forget I said that.

00:56:05.141 --> 00:56:06.565
You don't know, do you?

00:56:06.768 --> 00:56:10.730
<i>MAN OVER PA: Hello. Attention,
everyone. Attention.</i>

00:56:11.064 --> 00:56:13.235
It is my profound pleasure

00:56:13.399 --> 00:56:15.535
to invite you all to

00:56:15.693 --> 00:56:16.821
a feast!

00:56:16.945 --> 00:56:18.036
Feast?

00:56:18.321 --> 00:56:20.706
And this will be no
ordinary occasion.

00:56:20.907 --> 00:56:23.457
<i>We know that you
all want something</i>

00:56:23.535 --> 00:56:25.421
and you want it bad.

00:56:25.787 --> 00:56:28.884
<i>And we are aiming
to be very generous hosts.</i>

00:56:29.124 --> 00:56:33.003
Now, there will be some
weapons available,

00:56:33.086 --> 00:56:37.558
but I strongly suggest
that you all BYO weapon.

00:56:37.715 --> 00:56:39.222
<i>Because I don't wanna get blamed</i>

00:56:39.384 --> 00:56:40.855
<i>if we run out like the last time.</i>

00:56:40.927 --> 00:56:41.935
<i>That was embarrassing.</i>

00:56:42.011 --> 00:56:43.139
Oh!

00:56:43.221 --> 00:56:47.860
I also really need
someone to bring ice.

00:56:48.017 --> 00:56:50.319
<i>I had a sign-up
sheet at the Reaping.</i>

00:56:50.395 --> 00:56:52.780
Nobody fucking chose ice.
What's the big deal?

00:56:52.856 --> 00:56:56.403
Come on, somebody.
Be a rock star. Own it.

00:56:56.568 --> 00:56:58.454
Ice, out.

00:56:58.987 --> 00:57:01.074
Has anyone seen
a 7-Eleven out here?

00:57:02.282 --> 00:57:05.379
Attention, everyone.
Attention.

00:57:05.452 --> 00:57:10.340
We are looking for a competitor
named Harry Ballsonya.

00:57:10.957 --> 00:57:12.428
Harry Ballsonya?

00:57:12.751 --> 00:57:15.799
<i>Please report to the
control room immediately.</i>

00:57:15.962 --> 00:57:18.596
I repeat, Harry Ballsonya.

00:57:18.757 --> 00:57:20.596
This will be the...
(ALL GIGGLING)

00:57:20.759 --> 00:57:23.309
Oh, damn it!
Who did this?

00:57:23.803 --> 00:57:26.769
Making me look like
a fucking asshole!

00:57:29.184 --> 00:57:30.571
(SHUSHING)

00:57:38.526 --> 00:57:40.697
We really should have brought ice.

00:57:41.237 --> 00:57:42.530
Don't worry about it.

00:57:42.614 --> 00:57:43.705
Hey!

00:57:43.990 --> 00:57:45.627
Is that a cell phone?

00:57:48.453 --> 00:57:51.335
Maybe we can use it to call the wedding.
Stall them or something.

00:57:51.498 --> 00:57:52.921
I'm on it.
Hey!

00:57:53.500 --> 00:57:55.220
I wouldn't do that.

00:57:55.293 --> 00:57:57.429
See those lumps of dirt?

00:57:58.088 --> 00:57:59.475
Dog poops.

00:57:59.631 --> 00:58:01.019
Landmines.

00:58:01.508 --> 00:58:05.351
If you guys are gonna get through
this, you better watch your step.

00:58:05.678 --> 00:58:06.770
Check it out.

00:58:22.028 --> 00:58:25.243
Hey, when you said, "you guys,"

00:58:25.865 --> 00:58:28.001
are you not coming with us?

00:58:28.535 --> 00:58:31.667
I need to go find
Tonto and kill him,

00:58:32.288 --> 00:58:34.009
but this is for you.

00:58:34.582 --> 00:58:35.840
Mm-hmm.

00:58:38.169 --> 00:58:40.009
Yeah, if you...

00:58:40.713 --> 00:58:43.217
If you just wait,
we'll go with you.

00:58:43.299 --> 00:58:45.351
We can protect you.

00:58:45.427 --> 00:58:46.980
(BOTH LAUGHING)

00:58:48.179 --> 00:58:49.271
Awww.

00:58:52.475 --> 00:58:53.602
Oh, you're serious.

00:58:53.852 --> 00:58:54.943
Yeah.

00:58:55.562 --> 00:58:58.659
Look, the only reason I don't
want you guys coming with me

00:58:58.731 --> 00:59:00.950
is because you would
completely fuck it up.

00:59:01.025 --> 00:59:02.912
No of fence.
Oh.

00:59:03.570 --> 00:59:04.661
Okay.

00:59:04.738 --> 00:59:06.908
I really do love you.

00:59:08.908 --> 00:59:10.664
Frankly, I'm surprised
you're still alive.

00:59:10.785 --> 00:59:12.541
Okay, got it.

00:59:13.913 --> 00:59:15.206
Bye, Ed.

00:59:17.709 --> 00:59:19.548
Yup, bye, Katnip.

00:59:20.879 --> 00:59:22.551
Be safe.
Yeah.

00:59:26.009 --> 00:59:27.562
Try not to die.

00:59:34.225 --> 00:59:36.195
Sorry, buddy.
She'll be back.

00:59:37.228 --> 00:59:39.565
Mm-hmm.
Although unless she has a birthday

00:59:39.647 --> 00:59:41.238
in the next couple of hours,
she'll still be 17.

00:59:41.608 --> 00:59:43.447
Yeah, got it.

00:59:43.943 --> 00:59:46.661
I know we're in a futuristic
dystopia and everything,

00:59:46.738 --> 00:59:48.541
but jailbait is jailbait, brother.

00:59:48.615 --> 00:59:51.961
Yeah, what dating site did you
get her from? J-Bait?

00:59:52.368 --> 00:59:53.412
Get it?

00:59:53.620 --> 00:59:55.921
Not now, Zach.
But good one.

00:59:56.915 --> 00:59:58.635
Hey! Hey!

00:59:59.584 --> 01:00:01.304
What the fuck are you doing?

01:00:01.377 --> 01:00:03.133
What Katnip would do.

01:00:04.047 --> 01:00:05.139
(EXCLAIMS)

01:00:05.215 --> 01:00:07.386
Okay, I'm good.
Oh, shit.

01:00:08.635 --> 01:00:10.106
God damn it.

01:00:35.662 --> 01:00:36.753
What?

01:00:40.166 --> 01:00:41.293
What?

01:00:48.425 --> 01:00:49.516
Oh.

01:00:51.636 --> 01:00:52.680
Hi.

01:00:56.057 --> 01:00:58.442
You mind if I just grab a weapon?

01:01:09.154 --> 01:01:10.328
(SCREAMS)

01:01:12.365 --> 01:01:14.619
It's too bad you couldn't
help your friend.

01:01:14.701 --> 01:01:16.254
A generic straight man.
What was his name?

01:01:16.327 --> 01:01:17.419
Doug.

01:01:17.662 --> 01:01:19.667
And he's not a straight man.

01:01:19.831 --> 01:01:22.679
Well, he's probably long dead.

01:01:22.834 --> 01:01:24.008
And soon,

01:01:24.085 --> 01:01:27.015
you'll be long dead, too.

01:01:28.506 --> 01:01:29.598
(SCREAMING)

01:01:30.008 --> 01:01:31.561
This is for threatening my friend!

01:01:31.843 --> 01:01:34.180
This is for being a bitch
to me in the woods!

01:01:34.304 --> 01:01:36.309
This is for calling my
hometown "Podunk"!

01:01:36.389 --> 01:01:38.857
<i>This is for not returning my sexts!</i>

01:01:38.933 --> 01:01:42.066
And this is for ruining the prom!

01:01:42.729 --> 01:01:43.939
Yeah!

01:01:45.440 --> 01:01:47.243
Holy fucking shit.

01:01:47.317 --> 01:01:49.536
You just brutally
murdered a young girl.

01:01:49.819 --> 01:01:50.863
Yeah.

01:01:50.945 --> 01:01:53.626
And the weird thing is I thought
it would take more hits.

01:01:53.698 --> 01:01:55.501
But I guess you live and learn.

01:01:55.867 --> 01:01:59.165
Or at least, she doesn't.
Am I right? Am I right?

01:01:59.245 --> 01:02:00.337
Yeah, whatever you say.

01:02:00.413 --> 01:02:01.505
Of course.

01:02:02.082 --> 01:02:05.428
All right, look, we can still
get out of this thing.

01:02:05.502 --> 01:02:07.673
We just gotta get this
bromance thing back in gear.

01:02:07.754 --> 01:02:09.889
Oh, be careful! Oh, Jesus.

01:02:11.549 --> 01:02:15.061
If you were Doug,
where would you be?

01:02:15.261 --> 01:02:17.681
Maybe these guys
can help us find him.

01:02:20.100 --> 01:02:21.772
Hey, little buddies.

01:02:22.727 --> 01:02:24.649
How are my favourite
imitation puppets doing?

01:02:24.729 --> 01:02:26.989
Oh, fuck! My hammie, again!
Kick his ass!

01:02:27.065 --> 01:02:28.488
Let's fuck him up!

01:02:28.650 --> 01:02:31.580
Wait, wait! I thought you puppets
were the good guys! What the fuck?

01:02:31.903 --> 01:02:33.457
We used to be.

01:02:33.530 --> 01:02:36.210
Yeah, but now we've
stared death in the face.

01:02:36.741 --> 01:02:40.710
We've seen the depths of human suffering.
And we're already dead inside.

01:02:40.787 --> 01:02:41.879
Yeah.

01:02:41.955 --> 01:02:42.998
That's awful.

01:02:43.123 --> 01:02:44.166
My God, I'm sorry.

01:02:44.249 --> 01:02:47.214
Come on, you bitch!
Yeah, you scared coward!

01:02:47.293 --> 01:02:49.381
You're not man
enough to fuck with me!

01:02:49.462 --> 01:02:51.763
You wouldn't last two minutes
in my world, you bitch!

01:02:51.923 --> 01:02:53.726
Is that the Mike Tyson rant?

01:02:53.842 --> 01:02:55.644
Fuck you.
Fuck you, you ho.

01:02:55.760 --> 01:02:59.107
I'll fuck your ass in front of everybody!
Yeah, that's definitely the Tyson.

01:02:59.597 --> 01:03:01.353
Enough talk!
Kill them!

01:03:02.267 --> 01:03:03.857
(ALL CLAMOURING)

01:03:10.483 --> 01:03:12.037
(SCREAMING)

01:03:26.499 --> 01:03:28.919
A mine is a terrible
thing to waste.

01:03:30.003 --> 01:03:31.889
That was actually
a pretty good one, Zach.

01:03:31.963 --> 01:03:33.007
Yeah?
Yeah.

01:03:33.131 --> 01:03:35.053
At least that was
just my reader copy.

01:03:35.133 --> 01:03:36.889
Guys, a little help?

01:03:36.968 --> 01:03:39.519
You four-eyed fuck.
You see this coming?

01:03:40.638 --> 01:03:41.682
(SCREAMS)

01:03:43.099 --> 01:03:45.187
Fuck me!
Right in the smarts!

01:03:45.810 --> 01:03:47.447
That's painful!

01:03:47.520 --> 01:03:48.813
But also hilarious.

01:03:48.980 --> 01:03:50.321
(MOANING)

01:03:55.612 --> 01:03:57.165
That's my girl!

01:04:05.830 --> 01:04:07.670
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, you're hurt!

01:04:08.208 --> 01:04:10.379
You should see the other guy.

01:04:10.460 --> 01:04:11.552
You killed Tonto?

01:04:11.628 --> 01:04:12.671
Yeah.

01:04:12.754 --> 01:04:15.803
Come on, we need to get you in the shade.
Can you walk?

01:04:15.882 --> 01:04:18.979
It's okay, I got you.
I got you, I got you.

01:04:19.677 --> 01:04:21.231
Move! Move!

01:04:21.679 --> 01:04:22.723
It's okay.

01:04:23.473 --> 01:04:25.774
You all right?
You're gonna be okay.

01:04:25.850 --> 01:04:28.318
It's okay, I got you.
I got you.

01:04:28.686 --> 01:04:31.155
I got you. There you go.

01:04:31.856 --> 01:04:34.870
You're gonna be okay. It's all
right, it's not that bad.

01:04:35.193 --> 01:04:36.996
(SHUSHING)
Ed, it's okay.

01:04:37.070 --> 01:04:39.157
No, no, no, it's not okay!
You need help.

01:04:39.239 --> 01:04:41.919
Ed, one of us had to die.

01:04:42.409 --> 01:04:43.583
Well, I wish it was me.

01:04:43.701 --> 01:04:44.912
Me, too.

01:04:45.370 --> 01:04:46.497
What?

01:04:46.579 --> 01:04:47.623
Sorry.

01:04:47.705 --> 01:04:50.126
That slipped out. Sorry.
Yeah, that came out real fast.

01:04:50.208 --> 01:04:51.679
It's okay.

01:04:51.751 --> 01:04:52.795
Um...

01:04:52.877 --> 01:04:54.051
Speaking of,

01:04:55.088 --> 01:04:56.215
since...

01:04:56.589 --> 01:05:01.560
Since this is it for me,
do you want to see them?

01:05:02.887 --> 01:05:04.145
See what?

01:05:05.557 --> 01:05:07.562
My boobs, dummy.

01:05:09.936 --> 01:05:10.980
I...

01:05:11.271 --> 01:05:13.607
I would. Very much.

01:05:14.149 --> 01:05:15.240
Okay.

01:05:18.445 --> 01:05:20.284
I know you've been
waiting for this.

01:05:30.290 --> 01:05:31.796
Pretty nice, huh?

01:05:32.292 --> 01:05:33.798
Unbelievable.

01:05:35.295 --> 01:05:36.422
Wow.

01:05:36.963 --> 01:05:38.553
No tan lines.

01:05:38.757 --> 01:05:40.844
Unbelievable.

01:05:41.551 --> 01:05:44.932
But if he'd move a little bit,
I could see them better.

01:05:45.472 --> 01:05:47.144
Ed?
Yeah, yeah.

01:05:48.892 --> 01:05:52.071
The light is starting to fade.

01:05:53.938 --> 01:05:57.284
Will you look deep into
my eyes as I fade away?

01:05:58.735 --> 01:06:00.491
Absolutely, Katnip.

01:06:07.285 --> 01:06:08.626
Ed, up here.

01:06:08.745 --> 01:06:10.086
Yeah? I'm sorry. I love them.

01:06:10.163 --> 01:06:12.666
I mean, I love you.
I love all of you.

01:06:13.958 --> 01:06:15.251
I know.

01:06:16.503 --> 01:06:17.630
Goodbye.

01:06:19.297 --> 01:06:20.341
I'll...

01:06:21.758 --> 01:06:23.728
I'll see you soon enough.

01:06:25.720 --> 01:06:26.978
Okay.

01:06:34.145 --> 01:06:35.818
Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

01:06:35.897 --> 01:06:37.024
Katnip?

01:06:37.107 --> 01:06:39.990
Hey, do you know something
I don't? Am I next?

01:06:40.110 --> 01:06:41.663
(CANNON BLAST)

01:06:49.369 --> 01:06:51.041
Yeah, she's dead, that'd be weird.

01:06:51.121 --> 01:06:52.663
That'd be weird. I'm sorry.

01:06:59.337 --> 01:07:01.757
I think it's time we made the call.

01:07:10.515 --> 01:07:11.856
(PHONE RINGING)

01:07:17.856 --> 01:07:19.327
Tracey, it's Bradley.

01:07:19.441 --> 01:07:23.154
<i>MAN: I don't know who you
are or what you want.</i>

01:07:23.236 --> 01:07:25.573
Fuck, I think I dialled
the wrong number.

01:07:25.655 --> 01:07:29.748
<i>What I do have are
a particular set of skills.</i>

01:07:30.368 --> 01:07:32.954
<i>If you give my daughter
back to me now,</i>

01:07:33.496 --> 01:07:35.050
that'll be the end of it.

01:07:35.331 --> 01:07:36.719
<i>But if you don't...</i>

01:07:36.791 --> 01:07:37.835
Okay.

01:07:37.917 --> 01:07:38.961
<i>I will...</i>
(ENDS CALL)

01:07:39.085 --> 01:07:40.296
Crazy.

01:07:41.379 --> 01:07:43.930
Definitely not Tracey.
Let me try again.

01:07:44.215 --> 01:07:45.389
(PHONE RINGING)

01:07:50.180 --> 01:07:51.223
<i>Hello?</i>

01:07:51.306 --> 01:07:52.349
Tracey, it's Bradley.

01:07:53.391 --> 01:07:55.313
Hey, man, what's wrong?

01:07:56.436 --> 01:07:58.156
I don't know.

01:07:58.229 --> 01:08:00.697
The first girl lever
loved just died.

01:08:00.774 --> 01:08:03.988
I watched you murder a girl
with your bare hands.

01:08:04.069 --> 01:08:05.622
We're as good as dead.

01:08:05.695 --> 01:08:08.910
And the worst part is
we lost our best friend.

01:08:08.990 --> 01:08:10.663
That's what's wrong.

01:08:11.868 --> 01:08:15.249
I can't help but accept some
responsibility for this.

01:08:15.413 --> 01:08:17.750
Yeah, no, I blame you
for the majority of it.

01:08:17.874 --> 01:08:21.505
Seriously? I mucked
up the bachelor party.

01:08:21.586 --> 01:08:24.635
I got us stuck in some
weird alternate universe.

01:08:25.256 --> 01:08:27.842
This whole thing just went
right down the tubes!

01:08:28.134 --> 01:08:31.646
I didn't even get to be a part
of the Human effing Centipede.

01:08:32.806 --> 01:08:34.359
What did you just say?

01:08:34.432 --> 01:08:36.603
I don't care how awkward it is,

01:08:36.768 --> 01:08:38.939
sharing a gastric system
is a life experience.

01:08:39.145 --> 01:08:41.067
I could have scrapbooked about it.

01:08:41.147 --> 01:08:42.987
No, no, before that.

01:08:43.817 --> 01:08:47.957
This whole thing
went down the tubes.

01:08:54.285 --> 01:08:55.329
Doug!

01:08:56.788 --> 01:08:58.460
Are you having a flashback montage?

01:08:59.958 --> 01:09:02.923
The tubes! I know
where Doug is! Bradley!

01:09:03.128 --> 01:09:04.219
<i>Where are you guys?
What's going on?</i>

01:09:04.337 --> 01:09:05.464
Bradley!

01:09:06.965 --> 01:09:08.851
Bradley? Bradley?

01:09:08.967 --> 01:09:10.141
<i>Bradley? Bradley?</i>

01:09:10.677 --> 01:09:12.230
Hey, Tracey! It's Ed!

01:09:12.303 --> 01:09:16.610
Ed! Ed, what in the H-E-double
hockey sticks is going on?

01:09:16.683 --> 01:09:18.688
We're gonna go pick
up Doug right now,

01:09:18.768 --> 01:09:21.782
<i>so don't you worry your pretty
little man face about it.</i>

01:09:21.855 --> 01:09:23.776
Okay, but we gotta go.
We'll see you real soon, bye!

01:09:23.857 --> 01:09:25.244
What the fuck, man?

01:09:25.316 --> 01:09:27.238
I know where Doug is!
Come on! Go!

01:09:27.318 --> 01:09:29.074
Let's go, let's go!

01:09:29.946 --> 01:09:32.331
Hello? Hello?

01:09:34.993 --> 01:09:37.619
This is it!
Doug's tube never came up!

01:09:40.165 --> 01:09:41.339
What?

01:09:41.875 --> 01:09:44.639
Well, if he's not down there,
where the hell is he?

01:09:45.795 --> 01:09:47.765
Okay, let's face it.

01:09:47.839 --> 01:09:48.931
Doug's not in the tube.

01:09:49.007 --> 01:09:51.890
There was no sign of him in the arena.
He is gone.

01:09:51.968 --> 01:09:53.142
That is a fact.

01:09:53.219 --> 01:09:55.937
You fucking idiots!

01:09:58.349 --> 01:09:59.642
(ALL GROANING)

01:09:59.726 --> 01:10:01.019
God fucking damn it!

01:10:01.144 --> 01:10:02.401
Jesus!

01:10:02.645 --> 01:10:05.030
That bush is angry!

01:10:05.356 --> 01:10:08.286
I'm not "that bush," you
bearded piece of afterbirth!

01:10:08.359 --> 01:10:09.652
It's me! Doug!

01:10:09.778 --> 01:10:11.415
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

01:10:12.197 --> 01:10:14.533
Shut up! All you guys,
just shut the fuck up!

01:10:15.533 --> 01:10:19.544
You guys forget me
all the fucking time!

01:10:19.662 --> 01:10:22.676
In Vegas! In this fucked-up
alternate universe!

01:10:22.749 --> 01:10:24.256
Yeah.

01:10:24.375 --> 01:10:26.003
I'm barely in the
goddamn movie trailer!

01:10:26.044 --> 01:10:28.464
It's true, I don't even
think he's on the poster.

01:10:28.546 --> 01:10:30.634
I never get any punchlines,

01:10:30.715 --> 01:10:35.769
and you keep leaving me
in enclosed fucking places!

01:10:36.137 --> 01:10:39.934
You think maybe we can talk to
you about this at sea level?

01:10:40.016 --> 01:10:41.487
Not this time.

01:10:42.936 --> 01:10:45.866
This time, I get the last laugh.

01:10:46.022 --> 01:10:48.158
Jeez, dude!
Wait, wait, wait!

01:10:48.233 --> 01:10:50.569
You're right!
You're right! We're sorry.

01:10:50.693 --> 01:10:52.615
<i>We haven't given
you your proper due.</i>

01:10:52.779 --> 01:10:56.077
You are the perfect blend
of handsome and humourless.

01:10:56.282 --> 01:10:58.003
Without you, there are no jokes.

01:10:58.118 --> 01:10:59.838
Hell, without you, there is no us.

01:11:00.245 --> 01:11:01.917
You may be a gay man,

01:11:02.789 --> 01:11:06.253
but you are the best damn
straight man we've ever met.

01:11:10.755 --> 01:11:11.799
Ah!

01:11:12.632 --> 01:11:14.768
I could never murder you guys.

01:11:14.843 --> 01:11:15.970
(ALL SIGH)

01:11:16.052 --> 01:11:17.096
You!

01:11:17.262 --> 01:11:18.305
Wait here one second.

01:11:19.431 --> 01:11:20.984
(ALL GRUNTING)

01:11:23.601 --> 01:11:25.108
You guys!

01:11:25.311 --> 01:11:26.902
That worked great!

01:11:27.480 --> 01:11:29.817
I'm so glad you're alive, man!

01:11:29.983 --> 01:11:31.620
Bradley, bring it in!

01:11:35.905 --> 01:11:38.539
You guys, this is just perfect.

01:11:38.616 --> 01:11:41.250
Nothing could possibly
ruin this moment.

01:11:41.661 --> 01:11:44.046
MAN OVER PA:
Hello out there, everybody.

01:11:44.122 --> 01:11:46.423
<i>Hey, remember that earlier</i>

01:11:46.499 --> 01:11:49.003
<i>"bromance revision"
I was telling you guys about?</i>

01:11:49.085 --> 01:11:51.304
<i>Well, you can forget about that.</i>

01:11:51.379 --> 01:11:54.725
There's only gonna be one
winner of the Hungover Games.

01:11:54.883 --> 01:11:59.771
So if you're a foursome of dudes
who recently bro-conciled,

01:12:00.096 --> 01:12:01.769
<i>you're gonna have
to kill each other.</i>

01:12:01.848 --> 01:12:03.485
<i>You're just gonna have
to fight to the death.</i>

01:12:03.641 --> 01:12:06.145
I'm sorry, I don't
make up the rules.

01:12:06.227 --> 01:12:08.315
Wait, I do.

01:12:08.521 --> 01:12:10.443
I do make up the rules.

01:12:10.523 --> 01:12:12.363
<i>Suckers!</i>

01:12:12.525 --> 01:12:15.243
Well, good luck and
may the odds be forever

01:12:15.361 --> 01:12:18.126
in your blah-blah-blah,
et cetera, et cetera.

01:12:18.698 --> 01:12:20.335
This is gonna be good.

01:12:21.326 --> 01:12:23.129
Nope. No way.

01:12:26.998 --> 01:12:28.884
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

01:13:02.909 --> 01:13:05.792
Wait, why are all these
weapons shaped like dicks?

01:13:07.330 --> 01:13:10.011
All right, listen, guys. Listen up.
Let's talk about this.

01:13:10.083 --> 01:13:12.669
I can't die now.
I'm about to get married.

01:13:12.752 --> 01:13:14.555
I have a wife and kids at home.

01:13:14.712 --> 01:13:17.560
I just lost Katnip!
She was my everything.

01:13:17.632 --> 01:13:19.055
She was also very much underage.

01:13:19.175 --> 01:13:20.563
DOUG: Seriously?

01:13:20.718 --> 01:13:24.729
Ed, buddy, there are laws against that.
You can't statutory rape your soulmate.

01:13:24.848 --> 01:13:28.110
Jeepers creepers!
You guys, don't you remember?

01:13:28.226 --> 01:13:29.400
We're a brotherhood!

01:13:29.561 --> 01:13:31.696
You heard the announcement.
It's every man for himself.

01:13:31.771 --> 01:13:34.239
No! I have an idea.

01:13:34.732 --> 01:13:36.370
We all need to eat these.

01:13:36.443 --> 01:13:38.738
They're Midnight Berries.
It's the only way to end this.

01:13:38.945 --> 01:13:41.365
That is what got us into this
mess in the first place.

01:13:41.448 --> 01:13:43.666
Yeah, these berries would kill us.

01:13:43.742 --> 01:13:46.838
But the Capitol won't
even let us swallow them.

01:13:46.995 --> 01:13:49.878
They'd rather have four
winners than no winner.

01:13:49.956 --> 01:13:52.341
So before we even
get these in our mouths

01:13:52.417 --> 01:13:54.173
they'll cancel the whole thing.

01:13:54.252 --> 01:13:56.055
You have to trust me.

01:13:56.129 --> 01:13:57.386
Absolutely not.

01:13:57.464 --> 01:14:00.097
Doubt me all you want,
but don't doubt

01:14:00.216 --> 01:14:02.802
my knowledge of
young adult fiction.

01:14:07.432 --> 01:14:08.476
I'm in.

01:14:08.641 --> 01:14:09.733
What?

01:14:10.477 --> 01:14:11.604
Me, too.

01:14:12.437 --> 01:14:13.611
Really?

01:14:16.483 --> 01:14:17.693
Fine.

01:14:19.152 --> 01:14:20.445
Me, too. I'm in.

01:14:22.697 --> 01:14:24.500
But only because
I love you guys.

01:14:24.991 --> 01:14:26.118
Okay.

01:14:27.118 --> 01:14:28.958
On the count of three.

01:14:30.622 --> 01:14:31.665
One.

01:14:31.873 --> 01:14:33.000
Two.

01:14:33.249 --> 01:14:34.590
Three.

01:14:44.469 --> 01:14:46.272
What do we do now?

01:14:54.687 --> 01:14:56.657
Come on!
Kinda tasty.

01:15:00.026 --> 01:15:01.319
(GAGGING)

01:15:02.487 --> 01:15:05.999
Zach, you dumb motherfucker!

01:15:18.336 --> 01:15:19.724
What the...

01:15:20.213 --> 01:15:21.305
Morning.

01:15:21.673 --> 01:15:22.883
You guys sleep well?

01:15:22.966 --> 01:15:24.093
Yeah.

01:15:24.300 --> 01:15:25.688
Pretty well.

01:15:27.595 --> 01:15:29.351
Anyone have floss?

01:15:29.681 --> 01:15:32.694
I think I've got Midnight Berry
seeds stuck in my teeth.

01:15:33.351 --> 01:15:34.525
Wait, wait.
What time is it?

01:15:36.062 --> 01:15:37.485
It's 10:00 a.m.

01:15:37.605 --> 01:15:39.029
We'll never make the wedding.

01:15:39.732 --> 01:15:40.824
Wanna bet?

01:15:42.694 --> 01:15:46.122
You guys think you can take me
out of the straitjacket now?

01:15:46.531 --> 01:15:49.496
Guys, I am just so pumped to be
a real member of this group.

01:15:49.576 --> 01:15:52.043
It's so cool you're gonna let me
have more lines in the next movie.

01:15:52.120 --> 01:15:53.377
That's right, yeah.
Totally gonna happen.

01:15:53.455 --> 01:15:57.083
Yeah, more lines, definitely.
(TYRES SCREECH)

01:15:57.917 --> 01:16:00.717
Come with me if you want
to attend a gay wedding.

01:16:03.423 --> 01:16:06.721
Sorry. Getting here
was a real bloodbath.

01:16:07.093 --> 01:16:08.564
What the fucksticks, you guys?

01:16:08.636 --> 01:16:09.728
Honey,

01:16:09.804 --> 01:16:12.023
I am so, so, so sorry.

01:16:12.182 --> 01:16:15.230
You had better have a good
explanation for this.

01:16:15.602 --> 01:16:18.485
Trace, the last three days
were, without a doubt,

01:16:18.563 --> 01:16:22.822
the most backwards, fucked up,
inexplicable experience of my entire life.

01:16:22.984 --> 01:16:25.120
I saw brutal death.

01:16:25.653 --> 01:16:29.331
I saw murderous talking
puppets. I saw gay Thor.

01:16:30.492 --> 01:16:32.544
But all I could think about was you.

01:16:34.287 --> 01:16:35.924
Can you forgive me?

01:16:37.373 --> 01:16:38.584
Well,

01:16:40.919 --> 01:16:42.924
boys will be boys.

01:16:47.383 --> 01:16:49.887
So are we gonna
talk about last night?

01:16:50.303 --> 01:16:51.430
Okay.

01:16:51.930 --> 01:16:54.767
Whatever the hell we think happened,
it obviously didn't really happen.

01:16:54.808 --> 01:16:57.572
Zach just got in our heads
with that dumb book of his,

01:16:57.644 --> 01:17:00.230
so just forget about it
and move on.

01:17:00.605 --> 01:17:04.152
I'm over it, too. I'm onto
<i>Fifty Shades now.</i>

01:17:05.110 --> 01:17:07.827
This rich guy is erotic.

01:17:08.988 --> 01:17:11.159
You know what?
You guys are wrong.

01:17:11.241 --> 01:17:13.246
Over the course of
one day, I loved,

01:17:13.326 --> 01:17:16.838
I lost, and I almost died,
like, 10 times.

01:17:16.996 --> 01:17:18.633
You also ate a boatload of shit.

01:17:18.706 --> 01:17:20.094
Thank you for the reminder.

01:17:20.166 --> 01:17:22.385
But thankfully, it wasn't real.

01:17:22.460 --> 01:17:23.931
You gotta let it go, man.

01:17:24.003 --> 01:17:26.589
You know what?
You can believe what you want,

01:17:26.673 --> 01:17:29.887
but I know my connection
with that girl was real.

01:17:30.969 --> 01:17:33.140
There's a lot of wiener
in this book.

01:17:33.888 --> 01:17:36.143
But I'm not mad about it.

01:17:36.808 --> 01:17:40.984
This probably would make
a really good TV movie.

01:17:43.022 --> 01:17:45.193
Get Alyssa Milano.

01:17:47.777 --> 01:17:48.904
Oh.

01:17:48.987 --> 01:17:50.493
Sorry.

01:17:50.655 --> 01:17:52.162
So sorry about that.
It's been a bit of a...

01:17:52.240 --> 01:17:53.663
Don't worry about it.

01:17:56.703 --> 01:17:58.174
Wedding's that way.

01:17:58.830 --> 01:18:00.087
(LAUGHS)

01:18:00.415 --> 01:18:03.547
Well, it was nice bumping into you.

01:18:09.048 --> 01:18:10.223
Hey, bud.

01:18:11.009 --> 01:18:12.219
We gotta go.

01:18:12.302 --> 01:18:13.892
I know. Do you...

01:18:14.471 --> 01:18:16.440
What are you stammering about?

01:18:16.723 --> 01:18:20.484
MAN: We are gathered here
today to celebrate the pure

01:18:21.144 --> 01:18:23.030
and magical love of

01:18:23.146 --> 01:18:26.989
these two deeply,
deeply passionate men.

01:18:27.525 --> 01:18:30.823
Guys, that's her. I swear
to God, she's right there.

01:18:30.904 --> 01:18:32.457
Stop, man. There is no her.

01:18:32.530 --> 01:18:34.417
Yeah...
Do I need to set you up with a shrink?

01:18:34.491 --> 01:18:35.534
I'm telling you, she's...

01:18:35.617 --> 01:18:36.660
Dude.

01:18:36.743 --> 01:18:38.084
Enough.
Fine.

01:18:38.453 --> 01:18:39.876
Letting it go.

01:18:40.163 --> 01:18:41.883
Thank you.
MAN: Some people say

01:18:42.916 --> 01:18:44.885
love is nothing but a battlefield.

01:18:45.502 --> 01:18:46.712
Not me.

01:18:47.045 --> 01:18:50.676
These days, people don't view
marriage as something to enjoy.

01:18:50.840 --> 01:18:54.055
They view it as
something to survive.

01:18:54.219 --> 01:18:56.722
So Doug, Tracey,

01:18:56.888 --> 01:18:58.727
with that, I say

01:18:58.890 --> 01:19:03.446
may the odds be
ever in your favour.

01:19:05.730 --> 01:19:07.616
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

01:25:01.252 --> 01:25:03.257
This tree has a vagina.

01:25:07.092 --> 01:25:08.479
(LAUGHING)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              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