WEBVTT FILE
1
00:00:46.980 --> 00:00:50.826
A handgun bullet travels
at more than 700 miles per hour.
2
00:00:53.387 --> 00:00:56.095
Hey, whoa.
Absolutely not. No.
3
00:00:57.925 --> 00:01:01.930
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.
4
00:01:02.496 --> 00:01:03.907
Okay. Good,
I don't wanna do it.
5
00:01:07.935 --> 00:01:10.939
Goddamn!! I'm alive.
6
00:01:12.339 --> 00:01:15.343
Oh, that's amazing!!
7
00:01:15.676 --> 00:01:17.849
I know, right. So..
8
00:01:21.682 --> 00:01:22.717
Ready to go again?
9
00:01:22.783 --> 00:01:24.353
Absolutely not.
10
00:01:26.954 --> 00:01:29.730
Don't just say "fine" and
then shoot me in the chest.
11
00:01:29.790 --> 00:01:31.463
'Cause it's not cool.
12
00:01:31.558 --> 00:01:32.696
Like at all.
13
00:01:32.960 --> 00:01:35.634
Okay. Jeez.
14
00:01:43.804 --> 00:01:47.308
I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.
15
00:01:47.407 --> 00:01:51.082
It turns out
somebody had. Mindy Macready.
16
00:01:51.211 --> 00:01:53.782
After her dad died, his
old partner on the force,
17
00:01:53.880 --> 00:01:55.621
Marcus, became her guardian.
18
00:01:55.749 --> 00:01:58.628
Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.
19
00:01:58.719 --> 00:01:59.754
Thanks.
20
00:01:59.886 --> 00:02:01.559
Steal it from a six year old?
21
00:02:01.722 --> 00:02:03.895
Marcus dropped
her off every day.
22
00:02:03.991 --> 00:02:07.165
But as soon as he
was gone, so was she.
23
00:02:08.929 --> 00:02:11.432
No one at school found out because
she hacked into the server
24
00:02:11.498 --> 00:02:13.671
and gave herself the award
for perfect attendance.
25
00:02:14.801 --> 00:02:17.907
Hit Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.
26
00:02:18.972 --> 00:02:20.645
Mindy was gonna
keep wearing the mask
27
00:02:20.807 --> 00:02:23.253
as long as there were
criminals to take down.
28
00:02:26.079 --> 00:02:28.423
But no matter how many
drug dealers she stopped,
29
00:02:29.416 --> 00:02:31.794
she couldn't stop
feeling alone.
30
00:02:33.587 --> 00:02:35.498
Me? I'd given up
being a superhero
31
00:02:35.589 --> 00:02:37.432
because it was
way too dangerous.
32
00:02:37.524 --> 00:02:40.334
Only problem,
I was dying of boredom.
33
00:02:40.427 --> 00:02:41.667
Like most high school seniors,
34
00:02:41.762 --> 00:02:43.969
I had no idea what I
wanted to do with my life.
35
00:02:44.031 --> 00:02:46.705
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.
36
00:02:46.833 --> 00:02:49.609
It's just TV, Dave, not
peace in the Middle East.
37
00:02:49.703 --> 00:02:51.182
My best friends Todd and Marty
38
00:02:51.271 --> 00:02:53.808
had no clue I was the first
superhero to go public.
39
00:02:53.874 --> 00:02:56.047
You guys watch
Spider-Man last night?
40
00:02:56.176 --> 00:02:57.712
Is it weird that Aunt
May gets me kinda hard?
41
00:02:57.811 --> 00:02:59.449
Not if you're
a granny-slammer.
42
00:02:59.546 --> 00:03:02.322
They may wear
costumes, but it isn't Halloween.
43
00:03:02.449 --> 00:03:04.156
They're real life superheroes,
44
00:03:04.217 --> 00:03:06.663
and in the two years since
the first ordinary citizens
45
00:03:06.720 --> 00:03:08.393
donned capes and masks,
46
00:03:08.488 --> 00:03:10.399
the movement has
started to spread.
47
00:03:10.490 --> 00:03:12.470
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.
48
00:03:12.526 --> 00:03:13.887
Yeah, you just
come home from work,
49
00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:16.463
you grab your gear
and you go out on patrol.
50
00:03:16.563 --> 00:03:18.372
Help us make the streets safe.
51
00:03:18.699 --> 00:03:21.543
I inspired all those
people to get off their asses,
52
00:03:21.635 --> 00:03:23.706
and now I was stuck on mine.
53
00:03:23.837 --> 00:03:28.252
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my old costume out.
54
00:03:30.844 --> 00:03:32.881
Sorry. Whoa!!
Can't you knock?
55
00:03:33.013 --> 00:03:35.687
You know, buddy, it's perfectly
normal for you to touch yourself..
56
00:03:35.816 --> 00:03:37.887
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
Get out!!
57
00:03:39.252 --> 00:03:42.096
If I was even thinking
about a Kick-Ass sequel,
58
00:03:42.189 --> 00:03:43.827
I had to get serious.
59
00:03:45.392 --> 00:03:47.394
Hey. Hey,
can we chat?
60
00:03:48.428 --> 00:03:49.930
Please, Mindy?
61
00:03:50.397 --> 00:03:53.401
Get in the cab.
Meters running.
62
00:03:55.202 --> 00:03:58.206
I wanna team up
like Batman and Robin.
63
00:03:58.405 --> 00:04:00.908
Nobody wants to be Robin.
64
00:04:01.007 --> 00:04:02.213
What's wrong with Robin?
65
00:04:02.342 --> 00:04:04.549
Weren't you like
Big Daddy's Robin?
66
00:04:04.611 --> 00:04:06.022
Robin wishes he was me.
67
00:04:06.113 --> 00:04:07.993
What I'm trying to say
is we should be partners,
68
00:04:08.014 --> 00:04:10.858
you and me, like the dynamic duo.
69
00:04:10.951 --> 00:04:14.057
I'm in the NFL, Dave.
You play pee-wee.
70
00:04:14.187 --> 00:04:16.098
So?
Train me.
71
00:04:16.423 --> 00:04:17.697
I wanna walk the walk,
72
00:04:17.758 --> 00:04:20.432
and you're the closest thing
I know to a real superhero.
73
00:04:21.962 --> 00:04:24.636
Aren't you tired
of being on your own?
74
00:04:25.432 --> 00:04:27.912
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?
75
00:04:28.802 --> 00:04:30.941
Someone who's got your back?
76
00:04:37.410 --> 00:04:39.890
And you'll do anything I say?
77
00:04:39.980 --> 00:04:41.152
Anything.
78
00:04:41.414 --> 00:04:42.449
Hit me.
79
00:04:43.083 --> 00:04:45.222
You're a 15-year-old girl.
80
00:04:46.119 --> 00:04:47.325
What the hell?
81
00:04:48.488 --> 00:04:51.435
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.
82
00:04:57.764 --> 00:04:59.266
Oh, goddamn.
83
00:05:00.634 --> 00:05:03.740
Mindy beat me like morning
wood every day for three weeks.
84
00:05:03.804 --> 00:05:06.808
Come on. Guard up!!
Left, right, guard up!!
85
00:05:11.444 --> 00:05:14.288
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.
86
00:05:15.949 --> 00:05:19.123
But, in a weird way,
I kinda liked it.
87
00:05:19.186 --> 00:05:20.450
It gave me a sense of purpose.
88
00:05:20.453 --> 00:05:22.433
What happened to your face?
Nothing.
89
00:05:22.522 --> 00:05:24.092
Like we were driving
towards something.
90
00:05:24.925 --> 00:05:26.131
Goddamn!!
91
00:05:26.293 --> 00:05:28.967
Oh!! Oh, that's amazing!!
92
00:05:30.430 --> 00:05:33.377
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.
93
00:05:33.466 --> 00:05:35.446
We were training
to really do it.
94
00:05:36.369 --> 00:05:39.509
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.
95
00:05:39.606 --> 00:05:42.143
But I didn't care. We
were having too much fun.
96
00:05:43.476 --> 00:05:44.955
Left, right, left!!
97
00:05:50.383 --> 00:05:52.727
Our own superhero team.
98
00:05:55.021 --> 00:05:56.694
It was gonna be balls.
99
00:06:00.460 --> 00:06:03.498
What the hell, Mom? Did you
delete the news off the DVR?
100
00:06:03.630 --> 00:06:05.837
Yes. Yes,
I did, Christopher.
101
00:06:05.899 --> 00:06:08.004
That was the one
with Kick-Ass.
102
00:06:08.068 --> 00:06:12.210
Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop
obsessing over this superhero.
103
00:06:12.305 --> 00:06:14.751
He is not a superhero,
Mom, he's a murderer.
104
00:06:14.841 --> 00:06:17.048
He blew up Dad with a
bazooka, for fuck's sake!!
105
00:06:17.143 --> 00:06:19.248
Your father died in a fire.
106
00:06:19.346 --> 00:06:21.553
A fire?
What is your problem?
107
00:06:22.382 --> 00:06:24.521
You!! You are my problem!!
108
00:06:24.651 --> 00:06:28.690
I am trying to raise you
to be a normal boy!!
109
00:06:29.155 --> 00:06:32.602
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.
110
00:06:32.692 --> 00:06:36.834
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch!!
111
00:06:36.930 --> 00:06:39.171
This conversation is over.
112
00:06:39.232 --> 00:06:40.905
Great. Then I'm leaving.
113
00:06:42.903 --> 00:06:44.541
Come on, Javier, be cool.
114
00:06:44.704 --> 00:06:47.344
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.
115
00:06:51.511 --> 00:06:55.960
I hate you!! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!!
116
00:06:56.049 --> 00:06:57.858
You threw away
my Red Mist costume.
117
00:06:57.918 --> 00:07:00.728
God!! I am not
the problem!! You are!!
118
00:07:00.854 --> 00:07:04.358
I wish you were dead!!
119
00:07:11.197 --> 00:07:12.369
Mommy?
120
00:07:18.705 --> 00:07:19.809
Don't touch that.
121
00:07:19.906 --> 00:07:21.044
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?
122
00:07:21.107 --> 00:07:24.884
It's a last resort. Like if all
else fails and you're about to die.
123
00:07:29.716 --> 00:07:31.889
Are you not scared to die?
124
00:07:31.952 --> 00:07:34.762
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?
125
00:07:34.888 --> 00:07:37.835
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man
or Batman got killed one night?
126
00:07:37.924 --> 00:07:38.959
It could happen.
127
00:07:39.092 --> 00:07:43.097
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain, you are going to die.
128
00:07:44.230 --> 00:07:46.733
My daddy was never
afraid of dying.
129
00:07:47.734 --> 00:07:49.611
Look where that got him.
130
00:07:49.970 --> 00:07:53.975
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.
131
00:07:55.241 --> 00:07:56.584
And that's why
he made me promise
132
00:07:56.643 --> 00:07:59.249
I'd never stop
defending this city.
133
00:08:01.247 --> 00:08:02.487
Cross my heart,
134
00:08:03.483 --> 00:08:05.156
hope to die.
135
00:08:07.420 --> 00:08:10.492
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?
136
00:08:11.992 --> 00:08:16.964
You're wrong, Dave. My daddy
was the first real superhero,
137
00:08:17.030 --> 00:08:20.807
not you or Red Mist.
It was my daddy,
138
00:08:21.601 --> 00:08:24.480
and it was an honor
to serve by his side.
139
00:08:36.149 --> 00:08:37.787
Hey, Min, how was school?
140
00:08:37.851 --> 00:08:39.353
Super crazy.
141
00:08:39.486 --> 00:08:40.965
Miss Mullins was out today,
142
00:08:41.021 --> 00:08:44.195
so we had Mr. Cooper leaching
us biology, such a grump.
143
00:08:44.290 --> 00:08:47.051
Oh, really? That's weird because
Principal Him off called me yesterday.
144
00:08:47.127 --> 00:08:48.538
You were supposed
to get an award
145
00:08:48.628 --> 00:08:51.165
for perfect attendance,
but you didn't attend.
146
00:08:51.531 --> 00:08:54.910
I followed you this morning. Saw
you get into a cab with some boy,
147
00:08:55.001 --> 00:08:57.038
and I lost you guys
over the bridge.
148
00:08:57.137 --> 00:08:59.981
So now you wanna tell me
where you really were today?
149
00:09:06.146 --> 00:09:08.854
I'm really sorry, Marcus.
I didn't wanna make you mad.
150
00:09:08.915 --> 00:09:11.555
Cut the waterworks, Min.
You're 15, not five.
151
00:09:15.488 --> 00:09:16.660
Okay.
152
00:09:17.557 --> 00:09:19.400
Look, he asked me to cut
class and go lo the mall.
153
00:09:19.492 --> 00:09:21.836
So, yeah, yeah, I did.
154
00:09:22.328 --> 00:09:24.399
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit Girl?
155
00:09:24.497 --> 00:09:26.534
I'm not gonna
find any ninja blades
156
00:09:26.599 --> 00:09:28.909
or throwing stars
under your bed?
157
00:09:29.035 --> 00:09:32.209
No. I just wanted him
to like me. Okay?
158
00:09:33.006 --> 00:09:35.782
Sweetie, skipping school's not
a way to get boys to like you.
159
00:09:35.875 --> 00:09:37.582
I'm so stupid.
Hey, hey.
160
00:09:37.677 --> 00:09:40.602
You're one of the smartest
little girls I know.
161
00:09:40.628 --> 00:09:42.151
Let's go get some pizza.
162
00:09:42.582 --> 00:09:44.186
What, you mean
I'm not grounded?
163
00:09:44.250 --> 00:09:46.457
Well, just consider
this a warning.
164
00:09:48.188 --> 00:09:51.032
Hey, you sure you wanna
give all your mom's things away?
165
00:09:51.091 --> 00:09:53.171
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?
166
00:09:54.694 --> 00:09:57.106
Damn, she had
a nice pair of guns.
167
00:09:57.230 --> 00:09:59.938
Dude, she's dead!!
Don't talk about her tits.
168
00:10:00.100 --> 00:10:02.046
I was talking about these.
169
00:10:02.102 --> 00:10:04.810
Oh, those.
Those were my dad's.
170
00:10:06.873 --> 00:10:08.819
Why don't you keep them?
171
00:10:09.375 --> 00:10:10.649
Are you sure?
172
00:10:10.743 --> 00:10:11.778
Yeah. I mean,
they belong to you, right?
173
00:10:11.878 --> 00:10:14.757
Come on, Chris.
You're your own man now.
174
00:10:15.381 --> 00:10:18.089
Just be careful, all right?
Yeah.
175
00:10:20.386 --> 00:10:21.729
Whoa!!
176
00:10:23.223 --> 00:10:24.544
Definitely don't
wanna keep those!!
177
00:10:24.557 --> 00:10:25.763
I'll take care of it.
178
00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:36.137
You take the day off.
Later.
179
00:10:39.973 --> 00:10:40.974
Hey.
180
00:10:41.074 --> 00:10:44.283
So, are you ready for
your first field test?
181
00:10:44.410 --> 00:10:45.810
What am I supposed
to do with these?
182
00:10:45.945 --> 00:10:48.755
Put them on and, uh,
go fishing.
183
00:10:59.325 --> 00:11:01.532
I'm the whitest pimp ever.
184
00:11:01.661 --> 00:11:02.867
That's the idea.
185
00:11:02.962 --> 00:11:04.942
Take the next right.
Comes out on Flatbush.
186
00:11:05.031 --> 00:11:07.011
You sure I should be doing
this without my gear?
187
00:11:07.100 --> 00:11:08.170
That's the point.
188
00:11:08.268 --> 00:11:11.112
Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.
189
00:11:11.171 --> 00:11:12.980
Dave Lizewski is the mask.
190
00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:16.384
Well, my "mask" is about to
get his teeth kicked in.
191
00:11:16.976 --> 00:11:21.118
Hey, queer bait, where are you
going with those bags, man?
192
00:11:21.214 --> 00:11:24.286
Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a 12-inch strap on.
193
00:11:24.384 --> 00:11:26.022
I'm just taking a walk.
194
00:11:26.119 --> 00:11:29.157
This really isn't what I do. I
usually just call the cops.
195
00:11:29.289 --> 00:11:31.235
Who are you talking to, man?
196
00:11:31.791 --> 00:11:34.328
Uh, I'm just on a call.
It was..
197
00:11:34.394 --> 00:11:37.136
You know, service round
here, it sucks, man.
198
00:11:37.197 --> 00:11:41.009
Now give me the bags, faggot, before
I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
199
00:11:41.501 --> 00:11:42.844
Come on.
200
00:11:46.139 --> 00:11:47.709
Okay, okay.
201
00:12:14.033 --> 00:12:17.014
Can you believe I let Mindy
beat the snot out of me for weeks
202
00:12:17.070 --> 00:12:19.243
just so I could get
my ass kicked again?
203
00:12:19.339 --> 00:12:21.080
So much for a team.
204
00:12:21.207 --> 00:12:23.551
You ready to die?
You faggot!!
205
00:12:26.112 --> 00:12:30.754
You know, all that homophobic
shit makes you sound super gay.
206
00:13:00.813 --> 00:13:02.417
- Come on, man.
- Come on.
207
00:13:04.884 --> 00:13:07.057
If I ever catch you robbing
again, shit-burger,
208
00:13:07.153 --> 00:13:09.724
I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on
your ass and cut your hand off.
209
00:13:10.223 --> 00:13:12.294
Promise me you're done
with your life of crime.
210
00:13:12.392 --> 00:13:13.735
I promise.
211
00:13:17.764 --> 00:13:19.675
Pants on fire.
212
00:13:20.733 --> 00:13:22.974
What do you think? I think
you almost got me killed!!
213
00:13:23.069 --> 00:13:25.106
No. What do you
think of my line?
214
00:13:25.171 --> 00:13:26.972
"Pants on fire."
I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.
215
00:13:27.273 --> 00:13:30.083
Run!! I'll tell them
you saved me. Go!!
216
00:13:31.077 --> 00:13:32.784
Female
suspect fleeing Flatbush.
217
00:13:32.845 --> 00:13:35.758
Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed
with nun chucks and a sword.
218
00:13:50.263 --> 00:13:52.504
Hey, Min. Hey, Marcus.
What's up?
219
00:13:52.598 --> 00:13:53.798
I see you answered your phone.
220
00:13:53.800 --> 00:13:54.870
That means
you're not in school.
221
00:13:54.967 --> 00:13:56.310
I was,
222
00:13:56.436 --> 00:14:00.475
but I wasn't feeling so good, and so
the nurse decided to send me home.
223
00:14:00.606 --> 00:14:02.779
Poor thing.
Well, I'm almost home.
224
00:14:02.875 --> 00:14:04.821
I'll make soup
and we can watch Jeopardy!!
225
00:14:04.877 --> 00:14:06.788
All right.
I'll see you soon, okay?
226
00:14:06.846 --> 00:14:07.950
All right.
227
00:14:33.806 --> 00:14:34.876
Shit!!
228
00:15:01.667 --> 00:15:03.340
You got my soup?
229
00:15:07.006 --> 00:15:09.043
Let me take your
temperature first.
230
00:15:09.108 --> 00:15:10.917
Oh, you're really clammy.
231
00:15:11.010 --> 00:15:12.785
I'll feel better
after a nap-nap.
232
00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:15.519
Close your eyes. I'm
gonna get you that soup.
233
00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:22.622
Is that blood?
234
00:15:23.790 --> 00:15:25.929
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.
235
00:15:26.292 --> 00:15:27.930
Your father was
like a brother to me.
236
00:15:28.027 --> 00:15:29.938
He was a great cop and a hero.
237
00:15:30.029 --> 00:15:32.202
But Big Daddy? That was
not your father, okay?
238
00:15:32.265 --> 00:15:35.269
That was someone who robbed
you of your childhood.
239
00:15:35.368 --> 00:15:36.779
And this?
240
00:15:37.637 --> 00:15:40.811
Hit Girl?
That's not who you are.
241
00:15:42.875 --> 00:15:47.881
You are Mindy Macready and you're
just starting high school.
242
00:15:49.148 --> 00:15:51.094
I understand that you don't
know who that person is yet,
243
00:15:51.150 --> 00:15:53.824
but you will,
you've just gotta try.
244
00:15:53.920 --> 00:15:55.092
I don't want to.
245
00:15:55.154 --> 00:15:56.394
You don't know what you want.
246
00:15:56.556 --> 00:15:59.230
You can't. You're not
an adult, not yet.
247
00:15:59.392 --> 00:16:03.135
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years
than most adults have in their lifetime.
248
00:16:04.430 --> 00:16:06.171
That note that
your father gave you,
249
00:16:06.265 --> 00:16:08.973
the one that you were supposed to
open if anything ever happened.
250
00:16:09.068 --> 00:16:10.979
What did it say?
251
00:16:11.070 --> 00:16:12.105
That you would take care of me.
252
00:16:12.171 --> 00:16:14.481
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?
253
00:16:14.574 --> 00:16:15.678
Well, listen up.
254
00:16:15.775 --> 00:16:18.483
I want you in school. I want you
to stop talking to that boy.
255
00:16:18.578 --> 00:16:19.955
And I want you to promise me
256
00:16:20.012 --> 00:16:22.618
that this is never
gonna happen again.
257
00:16:35.928 --> 00:16:37.601
Cross my heart,
258
00:16:38.598 --> 00:16:39.633
hope to die.
259
00:16:42.101 --> 00:16:43.273
Good.
260
00:16:58.217 --> 00:16:59.287
Mindy!!
261
00:16:59.352 --> 00:17:00.353
What the hell?
262
00:17:00.453 --> 00:17:02.533
First you almost get me
killed, then you stand me up.
263
00:17:02.555 --> 00:17:03.533
Dave, I'm sorry.
264
00:17:03.623 --> 00:17:05.227
I mean, I..
You are?
265
00:17:06.125 --> 00:17:07.126
I am.
266
00:17:08.628 --> 00:17:10.232
For everything.
267
00:17:10.563 --> 00:17:12.406
Oh, okay, great.
268
00:17:12.965 --> 00:17:16.640
I mean, "apologetic" isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.
269
00:17:16.802 --> 00:17:19.043
How many times do
I have to say it?
270
00:17:19.138 --> 00:17:21.311
Look, let's get out of here.
271
00:17:21.641 --> 00:17:23.848
You gotta ease up. I think
I might have broken a rib.
272
00:17:23.910 --> 00:17:25.412
Dave, I'm done.
273
00:17:25.545 --> 00:17:27.024
With training?
274
00:17:27.079 --> 00:17:28.490
With everything.
275
00:17:29.482 --> 00:17:31.826
Wait, you mean everything?
276
00:17:34.921 --> 00:17:37.094
You can't.
You're Hit Girl.
277
00:17:37.223 --> 00:17:39.396
We were gonna start a team,
you can't just quit.
278
00:17:39.492 --> 00:17:41.335
This is who you are.
279
00:17:41.427 --> 00:17:42.565
Not anymore, Dave.
280
00:17:44.764 --> 00:17:47.176
I'm sorry, but it's over.
I'm done.
281
00:17:47.233 --> 00:17:48.507
She just broke up with him?
282
00:17:48.568 --> 00:17:49.706
Just leave me alone.
283
00:17:49.769 --> 00:17:51.942
Will you stop apologizing?
284
00:17:52.672 --> 00:17:56.085
I don't know what's worse, that
you're fucking a 9th-grader
285
00:17:56.175 --> 00:17:57.711
or that you just got dumped by one.
Whoa, whoa!!
286
00:17:57.777 --> 00:17:58.847
Pedophile freak.
287
00:17:59.011 --> 00:17:59.955
It's not like that
288
00:18:00.046 --> 00:18:01.582
Then what is it like?
Please, tell me.
289
00:18:01.681 --> 00:18:04.685
I can't. It's to do with the
Kick-Ass thing.
290
00:18:04.750 --> 00:18:07.594
I've got a secret for you.
You remember Malik?
291
00:18:07.687 --> 00:18:09.928
Dude who volunteers
at your needle exchange?
292
00:18:10.022 --> 00:18:13.026
His baton is so much
bigger than Kick-Ass'.
293
00:18:13.125 --> 00:18:14.866
No.
Yeah.
294
00:18:16.362 --> 00:18:17.773
And by "baton," I mean penis.
295
00:18:18.030 --> 00:18:19.805
Yeah, I got that. Thanks.
296
00:18:20.199 --> 00:18:22.611
Fifteen gets you 20, pervert.
297
00:18:22.868 --> 00:18:26.213
A freshman, Dave?
You old, salty dog.
298
00:18:26.539 --> 00:18:29.713
What's the problem? Grass on
the field, play ball. Right?
299
00:18:30.276 --> 00:18:31.778
No, Todd.
300
00:18:31.877 --> 00:18:32.981
Chris, your tutor's here.
301
00:18:33.813 --> 00:18:34.951
Chris!!
302
00:18:35.581 --> 00:18:37.151
Chris, your..
303
00:18:37.483 --> 00:18:40.487
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
304
00:18:41.621 --> 00:18:43.123
My destiny.
305
00:18:43.422 --> 00:18:46.335
Chris, just because your mom liked
to get a little freaky now.
306
00:18:46.459 --> 00:18:48.405
I know what my role
is in this, Javier.
307
00:18:48.461 --> 00:18:51.806
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense.
308
00:18:52.331 --> 00:18:55.312
I'm a super villain.
It's evolution.
309
00:18:55.401 --> 00:18:56.573
Come on, come on.
310
00:18:56.636 --> 00:18:58.775
Just put those things down
before you hurt somebody, Chris.
311
00:18:58.838 --> 00:18:59.908
That's not my name.
312
00:19:00.239 --> 00:19:02.651
Okay, okay.
Uh, Red Mist..
313
00:19:02.775 --> 00:19:05.517
Red Mist was my superhero name.
314
00:19:05.611 --> 00:19:07.284
Henceforth I'll be known as
315
00:19:08.614 --> 00:19:10.355
The Motherfucker.
316
00:19:12.318 --> 00:19:13.456
After Mindy quit,
317
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:16.659
I decided to stop hitting the heavy
bag and start hitting the streets.
318
00:19:16.789 --> 00:19:18.928
Hey, Kick-Ass,
welcome back!!
319
00:19:19.025 --> 00:19:20.129
Yeah!!
Shoo!!
320
00:19:20.426 --> 00:19:21.928
You're the best, man!!
321
00:19:22.028 --> 00:19:25.475
Only problem,
I was still on my own.
322
00:19:26.098 --> 00:19:28.100
So I went online and found
a physics professor
323
00:19:28.167 --> 00:19:30.169
calling himself
"Dr. Gravity."
324
00:19:30.269 --> 00:19:33.375
Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.
325
00:19:33.472 --> 00:19:36.009
This is the zero G device
that I invented.
326
00:19:36.108 --> 00:19:38.349
Can levitate
any object up to a ton.
327
00:19:38.477 --> 00:19:39.649
For real?
328
00:19:39.779 --> 00:19:43.022
Hell, no, man. This is a
baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.
329
00:19:43.115 --> 00:19:44.651
But it fooled you.
330
00:19:44.784 --> 00:19:46.695
Hey, could I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?
331
00:19:46.819 --> 00:19:48.321
I'm not even
a physics professor.
332
00:19:48.387 --> 00:19:49.957
Just a copywriter
for an ad agency.
333
00:19:50.122 --> 00:19:52.033
But that's why
I love this stuff.
334
00:19:52.124 --> 00:19:54.297
You can be anyone you want!!
335
00:19:54.794 --> 00:19:56.740
You done many
team-ups before?
336
00:19:56.829 --> 00:19:59.309
Kind of. Yeah.
No, not really.
337
00:19:59.465 --> 00:20:01.502
I was getting kinda nervous about
being on my own, you know?
338
00:20:01.567 --> 00:20:04.571
Yeah, me, too. I never
even been in a fight.
339
00:20:06.138 --> 00:20:08.516
Well, hopefully
you won't have to.
340
00:20:08.641 --> 00:20:12.020
I friend ed a guy talking about forming
a team, if you're interested.
341
00:20:12.144 --> 00:20:13.714
I don't know how serious he is,
342
00:20:13.813 --> 00:20:15.253
but his picture
was pretty hard core.
343
00:20:15.314 --> 00:20:18.386
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.
344
00:20:18.517 --> 00:20:20.997
I didn't wanna freak you out
by bringing it up too soon.
345
00:20:21.053 --> 00:20:23.533
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.
346
00:20:25.257 --> 00:20:27.897
Your Uncle Ralph's not
gonna be happy about this, Chris.
347
00:20:27.993 --> 00:20:29.063
That's not my name.
348
00:20:29.161 --> 00:20:30.606
I'm not calling
you that, forget it.
349
00:20:30.696 --> 00:20:32.733
Javier, you worked for my dad.
350
00:20:32.832 --> 00:20:35.870
Then you worked for my mom.
Now you work for me.
351
00:20:35.935 --> 00:20:38.677
I'm probably the richest kid
in New York City.
352
00:20:38.771 --> 00:20:40.182
But if you don't like that,
353
00:20:40.239 --> 00:20:43.186
find yourself another
motherfucking job, okay?
354
00:20:44.710 --> 00:20:45.780
Yo, Kick-Ass!!
355
00:20:46.445 --> 00:20:48.356
Man, am I glad to see you.
356
00:20:48.447 --> 00:20:50.017
Is there anything
I can do to help, sir?
357
00:20:50.182 --> 00:20:52.753
Yeah. I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube.
358
00:20:59.692 --> 00:21:00.864
Come on. Come on.
359
00:21:17.610 --> 00:21:20.056
Run, Kick-Ass, run!!
360
00:21:22.481 --> 00:21:24.825
Jersey Shore motherfucker!!
361
00:21:25.651 --> 00:21:28.564
Hey, what, you not
interested in a fair fight?
362
00:21:29.789 --> 00:21:32.615
That is no fair fight.
Team meeting tomorrow.
363
00:21:32.641 --> 00:21:34.422
I'll e-mail you the address.
364
00:21:35.961 --> 00:21:37.907
Beware Dr. Gravity!!
365
00:21:38.063 --> 00:21:41.010
You had to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.
366
00:21:41.100 --> 00:21:42.579
I couldn't wait
to meet his friends.
367
00:21:49.975 --> 00:21:51.784
Hands in the air, Spring Roll.
368
00:21:51.844 --> 00:21:55.121
Empty the register and
don't do anything stupid.
369
00:21:55.247 --> 00:21:58.490
Come on!! Hey, where are
your security cameras?
370
00:21:58.617 --> 00:22:00.756
We don't have them. Too expensive.
Seriously?
371
00:22:00.853 --> 00:22:03.493
What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral?
You want to be filmed?
372
00:22:03.622 --> 00:22:05.158
Shut up and just
get on the ground!!
373
00:22:05.291 --> 00:22:08.704
And you'd better tell people
The Motherfucker was here.
374
00:22:08.828 --> 00:22:10.102
What's wrong with you, boy?
375
00:22:10.196 --> 00:22:11.504
Get on the floor, too, Gandalf,
376
00:22:11.597 --> 00:22:13.634
or I will bust
a cap in your ass.
377
00:22:13.766 --> 00:22:15.040
You're gonna bust your own face
378
00:22:15.134 --> 00:22:16.875
when that gun kicks if you
don't hold it properly.
379
00:22:16.969 --> 00:22:18.949
Just get on the ground!!
380
00:22:22.374 --> 00:22:24.285
God, will you hurry up!!
381
00:22:24.777 --> 00:22:26.347
I told you.
382
00:22:40.626 --> 00:22:42.537
Go!! Go, go, go!!
383
00:22:42.661 --> 00:22:44.140
Start the car!! Go, go!!
384
00:22:44.964 --> 00:22:46.966
It was amazing!!
385
00:22:47.399 --> 00:22:51.370
I feel so alive. I know who I am.
I know why I'm here.
386
00:22:51.503 --> 00:22:53.710
I'm gonna fuck this world up!!
387
00:22:53.806 --> 00:22:56.150
They will know The Motherfuckers name!!
388
00:22:56.242 --> 00:22:59.382
You've gotta find me some bad-ass
MAM types to train me, okay?
389
00:22:59.511 --> 00:23:01.650
Like a Chuck Liddell
or whoever.
390
00:23:01.714 --> 00:23:03.216
Fuck, I don't care
how much it costs.
391
00:23:03.349 --> 00:23:07.354
I just wanna be able to kill
Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
392
00:23:09.588 --> 00:23:11.329
I gotta tweet about this.
393
00:23:32.044 --> 00:23:34.081
All right.
Are you ready?
394
00:23:34.914 --> 00:23:37.451
Um, I don't know.
Am I?
395
00:23:37.583 --> 00:23:39.290
Yes, you are.
You look great.
396
00:23:39.785 --> 00:23:41.287
And Barbara's daughter,
Brooke, is really nice.
397
00:23:41.387 --> 00:23:43.697
What am I supposed
to talk to them about?
398
00:23:43.756 --> 00:23:46.635
I'd rather be water-boarded
than listen to Justin Bieber.
399
00:23:46.759 --> 00:23:48.602
You're gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be a disaster.
400
00:23:48.961 --> 00:23:50.269
How do you know that?
401
00:23:50.362 --> 00:23:53.036
Because it's a slumber party,
for fuck's sake.
402
00:23:53.432 --> 00:23:55.105
Dollar. Jar.
403
00:24:00.906 --> 00:24:02.613
You're gonna need a bigger jar.
404
00:24:06.478 --> 00:24:09.789
Pretty cool, huh? This is how
the beer gets delivered.
405
00:24:11.216 --> 00:24:14.993
Dude. You got a secret elevator
to your underground headquarters.
406
00:24:15.120 --> 00:24:18.158
Yeah. The guy I told
you about owns this place.
407
00:24:18.290 --> 00:24:19.997
It's like a real-life bat-cave.
408
00:24:20.092 --> 00:24:21.594
I know, right.
Oh, yeah.
409
00:24:28.233 --> 00:24:30.736
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.
410
00:24:33.305 --> 00:24:35.012
Welcome to Justice Forever.
411
00:24:41.013 --> 00:24:43.493
Hi, Detective Williams.
This must be Mindy.
412
00:24:43.615 --> 00:24:44.923
It is. Hi, Brooke.
413
00:24:45.017 --> 00:24:48.260
You girls have fun and I'll pick
you up in the morning, okay?
414
00:24:48.354 --> 00:24:49.628
I'll be the one
with the slit wrists.
415
00:24:49.688 --> 00:24:52.328
No, you're gonna be the one
that gets the awesome manicure.
416
00:24:52.458 --> 00:24:54.802
I am?
Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
417
00:24:56.428 --> 00:24:57.372
Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
418
00:24:57.463 --> 00:24:58.498
Hey.
419
00:24:58.630 --> 00:24:59.631
I know you.
420
00:24:59.698 --> 00:25:02.379
You're that freshman who took a ride
on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
421
00:25:02.468 --> 00:25:03.640
I did not ride his..
422
00:25:03.702 --> 00:25:05.702
If you just blew him, you're
totes a virgin, right?
423
00:25:05.704 --> 00:25:07.183
She didn't blow him,
look at her.
424
00:25:07.272 --> 00:25:09.047
Then what? Rim job?
Hand job? Fingerbang?
425
00:25:09.141 --> 00:25:11.485
Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at
least kissed him, right?
426
00:25:12.878 --> 00:25:13.982
Totes.
427
00:25:14.380 --> 00:25:16.792
You've never kissed
a boy, have you?
428
00:25:17.216 --> 00:25:18.559
Oh, my God,
that is so adorable.
429
00:25:18.650 --> 00:25:19.685
Maybe she's a dyke.
430
00:25:19.785 --> 00:25:22.026
Maybe I'll jam
my foot up your snatch.
431
00:25:22.121 --> 00:25:24.294
Oh, she's super bitchy,
I likes.
432
00:25:24.390 --> 00:25:26.336
Then what's
the big deal anyway?
433
00:25:26.392 --> 00:25:28.804
What could be so great about gagging
on some douche-bag's tongue?
434
00:25:28.894 --> 00:25:30.635
It's pretty fucking great.
435
00:25:30.729 --> 00:25:33.733
You know how you feel when you
watch that video by Union J?
436
00:25:33.866 --> 00:25:36.369
Holy shit, you don't know?
437
00:25:36.468 --> 00:25:38.641
This will change your life.
438
00:25:38.737 --> 00:25:42.583
Don't ever say you're
lonely Just lay your problems on me
439
00:25:42.674 --> 00:25:45.382
And I'll be waiting
there for you
440
00:25:45.978 --> 00:25:49.050
You guys love this shit more than
fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
441
00:25:49.148 --> 00:25:50.559
Who's Stan Lee?
442
00:25:50.649 --> 00:25:54.062
I'll carry you I'll carry you
443
00:25:54.420 --> 00:25:56.195
I'll carry you
444
00:25:57.056 --> 00:26:00.094
So you know that I'll carry you
445
00:26:00.325 --> 00:26:04.501
I'll carry you
446
00:26:06.698 --> 00:26:09.110
Like you've been
running for hours
447
00:26:09.201 --> 00:26:10.839
And can't catch your breath
448
00:26:10.903 --> 00:26:14.180
The demons are screaming
so loud in your head
449
00:26:15.007 --> 00:26:16.850
You're tired You're broken
450
00:26:16.909 --> 00:26:18.946
You're cut and you're bruised
451
00:26:19.044 --> 00:26:20.444
But nothing's too heavy
Just hold on
452
00:26:21.947 --> 00:26:23.392
I'll carry you
453
00:26:23.449 --> 00:26:24.587
What the fuck was that?
454
00:26:24.683 --> 00:26:26.356
I know, right?
I'm soaked.
455
00:26:26.452 --> 00:26:28.432
That? That is
who you are, Mindy.
456
00:26:28.520 --> 00:26:30.591
You may not dress
like us or talk like us,
457
00:26:30.689 --> 00:26:33.033
but when it comes to boys,
we're all the same.
458
00:26:33.192 --> 00:26:36.105
Twilight. Channing Tatum.
Union J.
459
00:26:36.195 --> 00:26:39.540
It's biology, bitch.
Don't fight it.
460
00:26:42.201 --> 00:26:43.271
I, um..
461
00:26:43.969 --> 00:26:45.107
I gotta go.
462
00:26:45.204 --> 00:26:47.616
But we were gonna go and get high
on bath salts at Logan's house.
463
00:26:47.706 --> 00:26:49.151
Mindy, I wanna
give you a chance
464
00:26:49.241 --> 00:26:52.552
that the rest of the girls
in our class would kill for.
465
00:26:52.644 --> 00:26:56.319
Don't you wanna walk out the door
every day in skin-tight clothes
466
00:26:56.448 --> 00:26:59.122
knowing that
everyone warships you?
467
00:26:59.218 --> 00:27:02.461
Don't you wanna sneak out at
night, raise a little hell,
468
00:27:02.554 --> 00:27:04.261
and show the world
what a strong,
469
00:27:04.323 --> 00:27:07.236
independent woman
is capable of?
470
00:27:08.227 --> 00:27:09.501
Don't you wanna belong?
471
00:27:09.595 --> 00:27:13.236
So you know that I'll carry you
472
00:27:13.298 --> 00:27:14.470
Can I wear this to Logan's?
473
00:27:14.566 --> 00:27:15.601
Yay!!
474
00:27:15.734 --> 00:27:17.236
It's gonna be so much fun.
475
00:27:18.737 --> 00:27:22.412
So we tried the cops
and tried the newspapers,
476
00:27:23.742 --> 00:27:27.451
and even set up a, you know,
a thing on the Internet
477
00:27:27.579 --> 00:27:30.253
for people to
help us find Tommy.
478
00:27:31.150 --> 00:27:32.493
Um..
479
00:27:32.584 --> 00:27:36.430
But we got nothing. We
never saw our son again.
480
00:27:37.689 --> 00:27:40.465
I came up with the name
Remembering Tommy,
481
00:27:40.592 --> 00:27:43.766
and, uh, we've been doing this
three nights a week. So..
482
00:27:44.429 --> 00:27:46.932
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.
483
00:27:47.466 --> 00:27:50.447
That's terrible, guys.
I'm real sorry.
484
00:27:50.536 --> 00:27:54.109
I became Night Bitch after my sister
was murdered and found in a dumpster.
485
00:27:54.273 --> 00:27:55.377
Holy shit.
486
00:27:55.474 --> 00:27:57.147
Doesn't bring her back,
487
00:27:57.209 --> 00:27:59.209
but at least I'm doing
something positive about it.
488
00:27:59.444 --> 00:28:01.390
Insect Man.
Yeah, um..
489
00:28:02.314 --> 00:28:05.124
I've been bullied my whole
life for being gay,
490
00:28:05.217 --> 00:28:08.130
so now I stand up
for the defenseless.
491
00:28:08.287 --> 00:28:10.460
That's why I don't wear a mask.
492
00:28:10.522 --> 00:28:12.042
Too much like being
back in the closet.
493
00:28:12.457 --> 00:28:14.368
Long as your
heart's in the right place,
494
00:28:14.459 --> 00:28:16.132
we don't care what you
put in your mouth.
495
00:28:16.228 --> 00:28:18.333
Fist bump.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
496
00:28:18.964 --> 00:28:20.568
Well, I became Battle Guy
497
00:28:20.666 --> 00:28:24.341
after my parents were mugged and
killed coming home from the opera.
498
00:28:24.403 --> 00:28:25.905
Did I tell you
that sick bastard
499
00:28:26.004 --> 00:28:27.745
maxed out their credit
cards on porno sites?
500
00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:30.217
I hope we get the chance to
say hello to this guy someday
501
00:28:30.309 --> 00:28:32.983
so I can personally levitate
his soul from his body.
502
00:28:33.078 --> 00:28:34.716
Oh, my God. Marty?
503
00:28:34.980 --> 00:28:37.517
Yeah, I knew
I recognized your voice.
504
00:28:37.649 --> 00:28:39.822
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
505
00:28:39.985 --> 00:28:42.522
I don't know no Marty.
New guy.
506
00:28:42.654 --> 00:28:45.260
Hey, asshole, it's me, Dave.
507
00:28:45.991 --> 00:28:49.165
Dave? Why are you
dressed like Kick-Ass?
508
00:28:49.328 --> 00:28:51.672
Because I'm Kick-Ass.
509
00:28:51.763 --> 00:28:52.901
You two know each other?
510
00:28:52.998 --> 00:28:54.534
Yeah, like since we were five.
511
00:28:55.200 --> 00:28:58.374
What's all this bullshit about
your parents getting killed?
512
00:28:58.503 --> 00:29:00.039
Yes, language.
What?
513
00:29:00.172 --> 00:29:02.846
Battle Guy, care to
update your resume?
514
00:29:03.275 --> 00:29:05.084
Uh..
515
00:29:05.677 --> 00:29:07.247
I'm trying to figure out
how to explain this
516
00:29:07.346 --> 00:29:10.122
without sounding like
a complete idiot right now.
517
00:29:10.215 --> 00:29:12.422
Yeah, I'm not sure
that's possible, Batman.
518
00:29:12.517 --> 00:29:13.587
I'm not, either.
519
00:29:14.219 --> 00:29:15.459
Um..
520
00:29:15.554 --> 00:29:17.155
Okay. Well, when I found
you guys online,
521
00:29:17.189 --> 00:29:19.760
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.
522
00:29:19.858 --> 00:29:21.898
I mean, Colonel, you're
ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
523
00:29:22.027 --> 00:29:25.031
Yo. Don't take
the Lord's name in vain.
524
00:29:25.197 --> 00:29:26.733
I'm sorry.
525
00:29:27.366 --> 00:29:29.903
I didn't think you'd
let me join the team
526
00:29:29.968 --> 00:29:32.039
unless I had a good story, too.
527
00:29:32.871 --> 00:29:36.978
All right, we'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.
528
00:29:37.709 --> 00:29:39.985
Wanna see something cool?
Yeah.
529
00:29:40.879 --> 00:29:42.722
I thought this could
be our meeting room.
530
00:29:43.215 --> 00:29:45.217
Whoa, this is so cool.
531
00:29:45.317 --> 00:29:47.627
Now this little renovation
was totally clandestine,
532
00:29:47.719 --> 00:29:49.892
which means nobody knew about it.
533
00:29:50.055 --> 00:29:54.231
Now, I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.
534
00:29:54.326 --> 00:29:56.067
Together we can make
a real difference.
535
00:29:56.128 --> 00:29:57.232
Whoa!!
536
00:29:58.563 --> 00:30:00.008
If you'd consider it,
Kick-Ass,
537
00:30:00.098 --> 00:30:01.907
we'd be honored
to have you join us.
538
00:30:05.671 --> 00:30:07.173
Hell, yeah!!
539
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:09.910
That's what I like to hear.
540
00:30:10.075 --> 00:30:12.749
Right, time for initiation.
541
00:30:12.811 --> 00:30:14.188
Turn around and I'll unzip you.
542
00:30:15.447 --> 00:30:16.448
I'm sorry, what?
543
00:30:16.515 --> 00:30:18.495
Just joking. Let's get
down to business.
544
00:30:18.583 --> 00:30:20.324
Gotcha.
545
00:30:20.419 --> 00:30:22.490
There you are.
546
00:30:22.587 --> 00:30:25.591
We saved you a seat in the
cafe, but you never showed.
547
00:30:25.691 --> 00:30:28.262
I usually head over to the
Olive Garden to carb load.
548
00:30:29.261 --> 00:30:31.104
I haven't had white sugar
since my first birthday.
549
00:30:31.163 --> 00:30:32.471
Do we need a thintervention?
550
00:30:32.597 --> 00:30:35.942
Come on, best way to tighten up
a tummy is varsity dance team.
551
00:30:36.101 --> 00:30:38.308
The sign-up sheet
just went up.
552
00:30:40.772 --> 00:30:43.343
It's still blowing
my mind. Kick-Ass.
553
00:30:43.442 --> 00:30:44.443
It's like finding out
your best friend's
554
00:30:44.509 --> 00:30:45.852
always been Will Smith,
you know?
555
00:30:47.045 --> 00:30:49.616
Hi, guys. What are you
talking about?
556
00:30:49.715 --> 00:30:51.023
Nothing.
557
00:30:51.316 --> 00:30:53.887
Nothing?
Yeah, Todd, nothing.
558
00:30:55.053 --> 00:30:57.055
All right.
See you around, guys.
559
00:30:57.456 --> 00:30:58.958
Todd, wait.
560
00:30:59.958 --> 00:31:02.802
Ow, watch it.
Watch me end your life.
561
00:31:02.961 --> 00:31:04.167
Come on. Forget it.
562
00:31:04.229 --> 00:31:06.539
Just one of the dickheads that
follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
563
00:31:06.631 --> 00:31:07.575
Who?
564
00:31:07.666 --> 00:31:08.866
The Motherfucker.
He's some guy
565
00:31:08.900 --> 00:31:10.402
claiming to be the world's
first supervillain.
566
00:31:10.502 --> 00:31:12.243
He's got 1,000
followers already.
567
00:31:12.337 --> 00:31:13.372
What an asshole.
568
00:31:15.140 --> 00:31:16.642
Get some!!
Uh-huh!! Yeah!!
569
00:31:16.742 --> 00:31:18.585
You got this, Motherfucker!!
570
00:31:18.677 --> 00:31:20.315
You really think
he's got a shot?
571
00:31:20.379 --> 00:31:22.086
I wouldn't take
his money if I didn't.
572
00:31:22.180 --> 00:31:23.853
MA is like chess.
573
00:31:23.915 --> 00:31:27.192
It's all about the moves. And
your boy really knows his stuff.
574
00:31:29.488 --> 00:31:31.263
Time to die, asshole.
575
00:31:33.992 --> 00:31:36.165
You all right?
I'm cool. Ow!!
576
00:31:36.495 --> 00:31:39.442
Good job.
Nice jab, buddy.
577
00:31:39.531 --> 00:31:42.011
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off.
578
00:31:42.768 --> 00:31:44.714
- on!!
- Shit!!
579
00:31:44.770 --> 00:31:46.181
Oh, you broke my leg!!
580
00:31:46.605 --> 00:31:48.414
- Come on. Do something.
- Let's take a break.
581
00:31:48.507 --> 00:31:49.884
Yeah, yeah, let's
take a break, guys. Come on.
582
00:31:49.941 --> 00:31:51.181
Street rules, bitch!!
583
00:31:55.347 --> 00:31:57.349
Chuck!! Get this girl off me!!
584
00:31:57.849 --> 00:31:59.590
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing, man?
585
00:31:59.684 --> 00:32:01.254
You all right, Chris?
You all right, buddy?
586
00:32:01.353 --> 00:32:03.094
Get off me!!
I was winning.
587
00:32:03.188 --> 00:32:04.690
No, you were crying.
588
00:32:05.524 --> 00:32:09.233
You know what? Screw this.
My super power
589
00:32:10.228 --> 00:32:12.071
is that I'm rich as shit.
590
00:32:12.130 --> 00:32:13.871
Hey, you wanna
work for me, huh?
591
00:32:14.466 --> 00:32:16.707
You wanna beat
people up for me?
592
00:32:17.035 --> 00:32:18.639
Sure.
All right!!
593
00:32:18.737 --> 00:32:20.444
Let's get you
a mask and a costume,
594
00:32:20.539 --> 00:32:23.816
and we will call you
Black Death.
595
00:32:23.909 --> 00:32:27.220
Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's
just a little bit incredibly racist?
596
00:32:27.312 --> 00:32:28.450
I don't give a shit.
597
00:32:28.547 --> 00:32:29.958
I want you to put the word out
598
00:32:30.048 --> 00:32:31.721
that I'm willing
to pay top dollar
599
00:32:31.783 --> 00:32:33.023
for every hired hitter in town.
600
00:32:33.084 --> 00:32:34.256
Come on, come on.
Just talk about it first
601
00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:35.389
Money talks.
602
00:32:35.554 --> 00:32:37.727
You wanted me to be my own man.
603
00:32:37.789 --> 00:32:39.268
This is what it looks like.
604
00:32:40.826 --> 00:32:42.737
All right, all right, I'll
make some calls. Yes!!
605
00:32:42.828 --> 00:32:45.604
Anybody else wanna
be a supervillain?
606
00:32:45.730 --> 00:32:48.176
Promise I pay better than
Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.
607
00:32:48.266 --> 00:32:49.836
What did you call me?
No, no, man.
608
00:32:49.935 --> 00:32:52.176
He took a hit to the head.
Doesn't know what he's saying.
609
00:32:52.737 --> 00:32:55.741
I've been studying
privately with Coach Podell.
610
00:32:55.841 --> 00:32:59.618
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.
611
00:32:59.744 --> 00:33:03.419
So, if you're half decent, I'll
make sure she puts you on the team.
612
00:33:03.515 --> 00:33:05.017
At least as an alternate.
613
00:33:05.116 --> 00:33:06.754
You'd do that for me?
614
00:33:07.185 --> 00:33:09.187
Besties stick together.
615
00:33:09.855 --> 00:33:12.426
If Brooke wants a pet,
she should just get a dog.
616
00:33:12.524 --> 00:33:14.765
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.
617
00:33:14.926 --> 00:33:16.928
All right, ladies, have a seat.
Let's get started.
618
00:33:56.301 --> 00:33:57.803
Mindy Macready?
619
00:34:00.972 --> 00:34:05.250
Chill. As long as you don't
fall on your face, you're in.
620
00:34:05.911 --> 00:34:06.912
Go.
621
00:34:20.592 --> 00:34:22.037
Four attackers.
622
00:34:23.862 --> 00:34:25.603
No escape.
623
00:35:18.416 --> 00:35:20.123
Oh, my God. You
could totally make captain.
624
00:35:20.218 --> 00:35:22.061
That was so much
better than Brooke's.
625
00:35:22.120 --> 00:35:23.497
Oh, my God.
626
00:35:23.588 --> 00:35:25.668
Brooke doesn't stand a
chance for captain after that.
627
00:35:26.424 --> 00:35:28.563
A bunch of people
with made-up names
628
00:35:28.627 --> 00:35:30.971
standing around
in homemade costumes,
629
00:35:31.062 --> 00:35:33.804
searching the web
for unsolved crimes.
630
00:35:33.898 --> 00:35:36.572
The comic book heroes
all have billion-dollar bases
631
00:35:36.668 --> 00:35:39.842
and headquarters on the moon,
but this is the real world.
632
00:35:39.971 --> 00:35:42.417
Scales, like a red, white and blue.
It's awesome.
633
00:35:42.507 --> 00:35:44.180
What's that?
Brick.
634
00:35:44.309 --> 00:35:45.344
Right.
635
00:35:47.078 --> 00:35:49.080
What do you think?
I think it does the job.
636
00:35:49.247 --> 00:35:50.658
People should get
what they deserve.
637
00:35:51.249 --> 00:35:53.490
Family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.
638
00:35:54.119 --> 00:35:57.100
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.
639
00:35:57.155 --> 00:35:59.999
And a pervert, pedophile,
640
00:36:01.826 --> 00:36:04.170
deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.
641
00:36:04.529 --> 00:36:05.769
Schwaniz!!
642
00:36:06.197 --> 00:36:07.437
Ouch.
643
00:36:07.499 --> 00:36:09.035
You don't wanna hit
with your closed fist.
644
00:36:09.134 --> 00:36:11.341
You might break your hand,
then you're defenseless.
645
00:36:11.436 --> 00:36:15.043
You wanna hit with open palm and pivot.
Open palm and pivot.
646
00:36:15.173 --> 00:36:16.208
Grab the back“.
647
00:36:16.541 --> 00:36:19.112
I never made varsity football
648
00:36:19.210 --> 00:36:21.121
or got cast in the school play.
649
00:36:21.179 --> 00:36:23.455
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.
650
00:36:23.615 --> 00:36:24.787
Knock out, bitch!!
651
00:36:25.283 --> 00:36:29.527
But if I had, I gotta believe it
would've felt a lot like this.
652
00:36:29.821 --> 00:36:32.859
When the cops can no
longer protect and serve,
653
00:36:32.991 --> 00:36:35.665
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv.
654
00:36:35.794 --> 00:36:38.206
We got the strength,
we got the nerve
655
00:36:38.329 --> 00:36:40.832
to give those in need
what they deserve!!
656
00:36:40.965 --> 00:36:42.967
Justice Forever!!
657
00:36:44.502 --> 00:36:46.504
We were in the ultimate clique.
658
00:36:46.638 --> 00:36:48.709
It didn't matter that
no one else knew.
659
00:36:48.807 --> 00:36:51.720
We knew.
And we felt like rock stars.
660
00:36:52.577 --> 00:36:54.989
Good night, guys.
Nice job. Battle Guy.
661
00:36:55.046 --> 00:36:57.720
Night, Colonel.
Thanks for everything.
662
00:36:58.016 --> 00:37:00.189
No, son, thank you.
663
00:37:00.351 --> 00:37:03.025
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.
664
00:37:03.154 --> 00:37:06.328
Without Kick-Ass,
none of us would be here.
665
00:37:06.558 --> 00:37:09.903
That's from the heart.
Don't let it go to your head.
666
00:37:13.031 --> 00:37:14.032
So..
667
00:37:15.266 --> 00:37:17.405
I'm not really that tired.
668
00:37:27.078 --> 00:37:28.079
Mmm.
669
00:37:28.179 --> 00:37:30.284
Mmm-mmm?
670
00:37:30.915 --> 00:37:31.916
Mmm. Okay.
671
00:37:32.016 --> 00:37:34.018
Let's leave the masks on.
672
00:37:34.452 --> 00:37:36.227
Yeah?
Yeah.
673
00:37:36.287 --> 00:37:37.459
Yeah!!
674
00:37:40.692 --> 00:37:42.569
First big mission's tonight
675
00:37:42.694 --> 00:37:44.367
and it's not community service.
676
00:37:44.429 --> 00:37:46.909
We're taking on
some real bad guys.
677
00:37:47.031 --> 00:37:48.772
What, can't your
team handle it?
678
00:37:48.900 --> 00:37:50.573
They're not you, Mindy.
679
00:37:50.702 --> 00:37:53.444
Remembering Tommy
owns a dry fruit business.
680
00:37:53.538 --> 00:37:54.881
Night Bitch teaches ballet.
681
00:37:54.973 --> 00:37:56.452
Night Bitch?
682
00:37:56.541 --> 00:37:59.249
What is she? A superhero
or a soft core porno?
683
00:37:59.377 --> 00:38:01.323
Maybe a little bit of both.
684
00:38:01.446 --> 00:38:04.655
Oh, God, you're plugging her?
685
00:38:04.783 --> 00:38:06.729
I'm gonna vom.
686
00:38:06.818 --> 00:38:08.126
You're like a ninja.
687
00:38:08.219 --> 00:38:11.496
Can't you just sneak out
after Marcus goes to sleep?
688
00:38:12.290 --> 00:38:14.292
You don't get it, Dave.
689
00:38:16.094 --> 00:38:17.471
I made a promise to Marcus.
690
00:38:17.562 --> 00:38:20.304
So break it. You're a
superhero, remember?
691
00:38:20.431 --> 00:38:23.002
Mindy Macready's
just a disguise.
692
00:38:23.401 --> 00:38:26.177
Yeah, well, I don't know what
kind of superhero Night Whore is,
693
00:38:26.304 --> 00:38:29.012
but if you really think
I'd ever break my word,
694
00:38:29.107 --> 00:38:30.677
you obviously have
no idea who I am.
695
00:38:30.809 --> 00:38:33.570
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.
696
00:38:33.578 --> 00:38:35.524
I know Hit Girl
couldn't give a shit
697
00:38:35.613 --> 00:38:37.093
about what high school
girls are into.
698
00:38:37.248 --> 00:38:40.752
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.
699
00:38:40.919 --> 00:38:41.989
Go to hell, Dave.
700
00:38:42.086 --> 00:38:43.997
What? You know I'm right.
701
00:38:45.423 --> 00:38:47.334
Hey!! Roid Rage.
702
00:38:47.458 --> 00:38:48.937
Me?
Yeah.
703
00:38:49.093 --> 00:38:50.533
You wanna take me
on a date sometime?
704
00:38:50.595 --> 00:38:52.632
Uh, yeah.
Sure. Um..
705
00:38:53.264 --> 00:38:56.108
My name's, um, Simon.
706
00:38:56.668 --> 00:38:58.670
Great, um, Simon.
707
00:38:59.637 --> 00:39:00.843
It's a date.
708
00:39:01.940 --> 00:39:03.351
Mindy, I'm sorry.
709
00:39:03.441 --> 00:39:04.511
Is there a problem, Min?
710
00:39:04.609 --> 00:39:05.644
Zero.
711
00:39:05.777 --> 00:39:08.656
Good. Because
I don't like problems.
712
00:39:09.881 --> 00:39:12.020
Dave, you been
sneaking out at night?
713
00:39:12.183 --> 00:39:13.184
Mrs. Neipert said
714
00:39:13.284 --> 00:39:15.230
she thought she saw you leaving
at 2:00 in the morning.
715
00:39:15.353 --> 00:39:17.799
Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.
716
00:39:17.856 --> 00:39:20.029
She tried to teach
her dog Spanish.
717
00:39:21.793 --> 00:39:23.466
Are you on drugs?
718
00:39:23.728 --> 00:39:24.968
Seriously?
719
00:39:25.029 --> 00:39:26.201
I gotta ask.
720
00:39:26.331 --> 00:39:29.676
You're my best bud and
you're growing up so fast.
721
00:39:30.134 --> 00:39:32.546
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?
722
00:39:33.538 --> 00:39:35.176
Yeah, I promise.
723
00:39:36.007 --> 00:39:37.315
Good enough for me, pal.
724
00:39:38.843 --> 00:39:41.517
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.
725
00:39:42.313 --> 00:39:45.817
Justice Forever!!
726
00:39:45.884 --> 00:39:48.694
I'm glad you got that out of your system.
727
00:39:50.188 --> 00:39:53.761
Oh, Todd texted me.
Again. What a loser.
728
00:39:54.993 --> 00:39:57.166
Dude, how bad-ass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?
729
00:39:57.228 --> 00:39:59.572
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.
730
00:39:59.664 --> 00:40:01.940
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?
731
00:40:02.033 --> 00:40:03.273
He's a born-again Christian.
732
00:40:03.368 --> 00:40:04.608
Shut up.
Yeah.
733
00:40:05.837 --> 00:40:08.374
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.
734
00:40:11.175 --> 00:40:13.519
I guess we're
about to find out.
735
00:40:20.385 --> 00:40:22.365
Hey. Where's the rest
of the team?
736
00:40:22.520 --> 00:40:24.227
Dr. Gravity has the flu,
737
00:40:24.289 --> 00:40:26.565
and Remembering Tommy got
Book of Mormon tickets, so..
738
00:40:26.624 --> 00:40:28.228
That's okay.
739
00:40:28.860 --> 00:40:30.100
Five of us should do.
740
00:40:30.194 --> 00:40:32.765
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?
741
00:40:33.031 --> 00:40:37.605
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.
742
00:40:37.702 --> 00:40:39.704
Boneheads in blue
take a blind eye.
743
00:40:39.871 --> 00:40:41.714
How do you know
he's here tonight?
744
00:40:41.773 --> 00:40:43.980
Because Thursday night
is poker night.
745
00:40:44.108 --> 00:40:46.748
Same five low-lifes
every week.
746
00:40:46.811 --> 00:40:48.449
Man with a habit
ain't hard to find.
747
00:40:48.546 --> 00:40:51.288
So what's the plan?
Are we sneaking in?
748
00:40:51.416 --> 00:40:52.759
I thought we'd knock.
It's more polite.
749
00:40:52.817 --> 00:40:54.091
What?
750
00:40:54.752 --> 00:40:56.754
Stay frosty, team.
751
00:40:57.288 --> 00:41:00.326
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.
752
00:41:02.593 --> 00:41:03.731
Jehovah's Witness!!
753
00:41:17.008 --> 00:41:19.181
I'm sorry, I just
zoned out for a second.
754
00:41:19.310 --> 00:41:22.689
Did you say that we're going
up against five gangsters?
755
00:41:22.814 --> 00:41:24.350
And bouncer makes six.
756
00:41:28.286 --> 00:41:29.458
And three-quarters.
757
00:41:29.520 --> 00:41:31.659
What the fuck do you want?
758
00:41:31.789 --> 00:41:34.963
Good evening, young man. We'd
like a word with Jimmy Kim.
759
00:41:35.093 --> 00:41:36.436
If it's not too inconvenient
760
00:41:39.163 --> 00:41:43.669
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.
761
00:41:44.936 --> 00:41:45.937
I'm sorry.
762
00:41:46.838 --> 00:41:48.442
I think we're in trouble.
763
00:41:48.606 --> 00:41:50.813
I just don't understand
why people feel the need
764
00:41:50.942 --> 00:41:52.819
to use that kind of language.
765
00:41:57.815 --> 00:41:59.021
Whoa!!
766
00:41:59.117 --> 00:42:00.460
There he goes.
767
00:42:03.154 --> 00:42:05.065
Oh, sweet Jesus.
768
00:42:05.156 --> 00:42:09.571
Battle Guy, what did I tell you about
taking the Lord's name in vain?
769
00:42:09.660 --> 00:42:10.798
Sorry, sir.
770
00:42:10.895 --> 00:42:13.307
Eisenhower, at the ready.
771
00:42:13.464 --> 00:42:14.984
Insect Man, I want you
right behind me.
772
00:42:15.033 --> 00:42:17.479
Everybody else spread out,
catch the strays.
773
00:42:17.702 --> 00:42:18.806
Oh.
774
00:42:18.870 --> 00:42:22.977
And try to have fun,
otherwise what's the point?
775
00:42:24.475 --> 00:42:26.978
Nice party.
Anybody wanna dance?
776
00:42:34.152 --> 00:42:35.597
Where are you going?
777
00:42:42.226 --> 00:42:43.569
Very nice.
Behind you!!
778
00:42:46.898 --> 00:42:48.400
Watch the birdie.
779
00:42:49.667 --> 00:42:51.169
Whoo!!
780
00:42:57.675 --> 00:42:58.779
Don't you move.
781
00:42:58.876 --> 00:42:59.911
Night Bitch!!
Behind you!!
782
00:43:05.083 --> 00:43:06.084
Wait.
783
00:43:07.618 --> 00:43:09.029
MARTY; LOOK out!!
784
00:43:16.594 --> 00:43:18.870
Okay, I got his right arm.
785
00:43:25.536 --> 00:43:27.106
You know, you shouldn't talk
with your mouth full.
786
00:43:27.205 --> 00:43:29.708
It's very rude.
Come on.
787
00:43:31.275 --> 00:43:32.549
Who the hell are you?
788
00:43:34.212 --> 00:43:35.418
We're the good guys.
789
00:43:35.480 --> 00:43:38.290
Oh, no, you're
the fucking dead guys.
790
00:43:40.885 --> 00:43:42.660
Eisenhower!! Schwantz!!
791
00:43:47.992 --> 00:43:49.767
On!!
792
00:43:51.129 --> 00:43:52.130
Ow!!
793
00:43:52.230 --> 00:43:53.231
Where are the girls?
794
00:43:53.297 --> 00:43:55.675
Come on, man.
I've got a heart problem.
795
00:43:55.766 --> 00:43:56.836
Oh, yeah?
796
00:43:57.668 --> 00:43:58.669
No.
797
00:43:58.769 --> 00:44:00.442
Do you want me
to solve that for you?
798
00:44:00.505 --> 00:44:02.451
Whoa, whoa!!
799
00:44:02.740 --> 00:44:05.914
Okay. The girls are
upstairs in the apartments.
800
00:44:06.010 --> 00:44:10.254
My little brother, he's on the
till-He's just a college kid.
801
00:44:10.414 --> 00:44:12.121
Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
On it.
802
00:44:12.250 --> 00:44:15.254
Ralph D'Amico is
gonna end you for this.
803
00:44:15.353 --> 00:44:16.764
Ow!! It hurts!!
804
00:44:16.854 --> 00:44:20.097
Yeah,
there's a dog on your balls.
805
00:44:22.193 --> 00:44:24.969
You want money? There's
50 grand on the table.
806
00:44:25.096 --> 00:44:27.940
Please just make him stop!! Please!!
807
00:44:28.132 --> 00:44:31.272
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?
808
00:44:31.369 --> 00:44:33.542
We're not here
to steal from you.
809
00:44:34.105 --> 00:44:38.679
We're hereto send a message to
all the other bottom-dwellers.
810
00:44:39.677 --> 00:44:41.953
- We're shutting you down.
- Come on.
811
00:44:42.013 --> 00:44:44.789
There is a van waiting outside
from a battered women's shelter.
812
00:44:44.849 --> 00:44:47.193
It'll take you some place safe.
813
00:44:47.285 --> 00:44:49.322
Go. Go.
We really can't leave.
814
00:44:49.453 --> 00:44:51.194
We have no money.
815
00:44:52.123 --> 00:44:54.125
Battle Guy, how much
they have on the table?
816
00:44:54.292 --> 00:44:56.169
Oh, it's like 50 grand.
817
00:44:56.294 --> 00:44:58.035
You got plenty now.
818
00:44:58.162 --> 00:44:59.641
Thank you.
819
00:45:10.341 --> 00:45:11.979
Good job, guys.
820
00:45:12.043 --> 00:45:14.546
Very tidy.
Very tidy.
821
00:45:14.679 --> 00:45:17.660
I can't believe you pulled
a gun on that guy.
822
00:45:17.815 --> 00:45:19.385
Were you really
gonna shoot him?
823
00:45:19.483 --> 00:45:21.394
Let you in on a little secret.
824
00:45:22.987 --> 00:45:25.661
Empty.
Don't tell the bad guys.
825
00:45:25.723 --> 00:45:29.899
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.
826
00:45:30.027 --> 00:45:32.234
Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
827
00:45:32.430 --> 00:45:34.740
"There's a dog on my balls."
828
00:45:37.768 --> 00:45:38.872
God damn it.
829
00:45:39.337 --> 00:45:41.339
Javier!!
What happened?
830
00:45:41.405 --> 00:45:43.942
Some douche just posted a link
to a story about a whorehouse,
831
00:45:44.041 --> 00:45:46.043
says that Kick-Ass'
team took them out.
832
00:45:46.110 --> 00:45:47.851
What the hell?
Where's my crew?
833
00:45:47.945 --> 00:45:49.117
Chris, everybody's just..
834
00:45:50.915 --> 00:45:53.794
Uh, can you ladies
excuse us for a second?
835
00:45:53.918 --> 00:45:55.124
Uh, no, they're my sidekicks.
836
00:45:55.219 --> 00:45:56.596
They can listen to
what we have to say.
837
00:45:56.721 --> 00:45:57.722
They're not
your sidekicks, Chris.
838
00:45:57.788 --> 00:46:00.064
They're prostitutes
and witnesses, come on.
839
00:46:00.191 --> 00:46:02.034
All right.
Sorry, no offense.
840
00:46:02.693 --> 00:46:05.867
Everybody's just too afraid of
your Uncle Ralph to take the job.
841
00:46:05.930 --> 00:46:06.965
But he's in prison.
842
00:46:07.064 --> 00:46:09.135
Doesn't matter.
He runs the family now.
843
00:46:09.267 --> 00:46:11.543
And he wants
everybody to lay low.
844
00:46:11.636 --> 00:46:12.944
But, fortunately for you,
845
00:46:13.037 --> 00:46:15.540
Big Tony doesn't know how
to lay low, so he's in.
846
00:46:15.640 --> 00:46:17.984
I don't remember a Big Tony.
Is he huge? He's ironic.
847
00:46:18.943 --> 00:46:21.617
5 foot 4, but mean as shit.
848
00:46:26.050 --> 00:46:28.724
He's go!! such a hard-on
for killing people.
849
00:46:29.253 --> 00:46:32.325
He's little and he kills.
Right.
850
00:46:32.957 --> 00:46:34.402
Call him "The Tumor,"
851
00:46:34.592 --> 00:46:35.593
Who's next?
852
00:46:35.660 --> 00:46:38.800
All right, we've got, uh, an
ex-Triad member looking for work.
853
00:46:38.896 --> 00:46:40.842
Easy, "Genghis Carnage."
Come on.
854
00:46:42.133 --> 00:46:44.579
You gotta quit with the
racist stereotypes, Chris.
855
00:46:44.635 --> 00:46:46.637
Archetypes.
Keep going.
856
00:46:46.771 --> 00:46:48.773
We got, uh,
Katarina Dumbrovski.
857
00:46:48.839 --> 00:46:49.977
Wait, wait. A chick?
858
00:46:50.107 --> 00:46:51.108
Yeah.
859
00:46:51.175 --> 00:46:52.620
Seriously, you hired a chick?
860
00:46:52.777 --> 00:46:57.453
Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in
the Gulag until she ate her eel/mate.
861
00:46:57.581 --> 00:47:00.187
Okay. "Mother Russia."
862
00:47:01.252 --> 00:47:03.664
Mother Russia and Motherfucker
both on the same team?
863
00:47:03.754 --> 00:47:04.824
That doesn't work, Chris.
864
00:47:04.922 --> 00:47:06.697
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.
865
00:47:06.791 --> 00:47:09.965
Just get them costumes
and get them ready!!
866
00:47:10.428 --> 00:47:11.498
Shit.
867
00:47:11.595 --> 00:47:13.438
Javier, thank you.
868
00:47:14.031 --> 00:47:16.477
I couldn't do this without you.
869
00:47:17.702 --> 00:47:20.706
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left.
870
00:47:21.205 --> 00:47:23.708
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.
871
00:47:23.841 --> 00:47:27.550
It's kinda like you're the
Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
872
00:47:27.678 --> 00:47:29.351
Did you just call me
your fucking butler?
873
00:47:29.613 --> 00:47:31.217
Yeah, is that not a compliment?
874
00:47:32.616 --> 00:47:34.618
Shit. My bad.
875
00:47:38.022 --> 00:47:40.161
There wasn't
much action most nights.
876
00:47:40.224 --> 00:47:43.728
I mean, there was always a
little action with Night Bitch.
877
00:47:46.464 --> 00:47:49.809
The reality of being a
superhero is lots of patrols.
878
00:47:49.967 --> 00:47:53.244
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.
879
00:47:56.374 --> 00:48:00.379
With all our new members, it seemed
kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
880
00:48:02.380 --> 00:48:04.758
Stop peeking, man,
you're gonna ruin it.
881
00:48:04.882 --> 00:48:07.886
Check it out.
882
00:48:08.886 --> 00:48:12.356
You can't fight crime in that Your
pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.
883
00:48:12.490 --> 00:48:14.026
What the
hell's "frog-eye"?
884
00:48:14.091 --> 00:48:15.729
Male camel toe.
What?
885
00:48:15.826 --> 00:48:18.650
I'm not really sure about
these names, either.
886
00:48:18.676 --> 00:48:20.357
"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."
887
00:48:20.998 --> 00:48:22.705
"Dr. Kick-Ass"?
Yeah.
888
00:48:22.833 --> 00:48:25.837
Yeah, they all
kinda seem derivative.
889
00:48:25.936 --> 00:48:27.244
Let me translate that.
890
00:48:27.338 --> 00:48:29.944
You can't just copy Dave's
name, you knob-gobbler.
891
00:48:30.841 --> 00:48:32.115
Okay. Um..
892
00:48:32.910 --> 00:48:34.048
Uh..
893
00:48:34.111 --> 00:48:36.216
Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.
894
00:48:36.447 --> 00:48:37.687
I got it. I got it.
895
00:48:39.517 --> 00:48:41.190
"Ass Kicker"
896
00:48:42.853 --> 00:48:44.127
Seriously?
897
00:48:44.221 --> 00:48:45.461
You're such a dick, Marty.
898
00:48:45.556 --> 00:48:47.092
I know this is why you guys
aren't texting me back,
899
00:48:47.191 --> 00:48:48.261
I'm not an actual idiot.
900
00:48:48.359 --> 00:48:50.532
Well, you could have
fooled me, Ass-Licker.
901
00:48:50.895 --> 00:48:53.899
Yeah. well, screw you guys.
Todd..
902
00:48:53.964 --> 00:48:55.875
No, really.
Fuck you guys.
903
00:48:55.933 --> 00:48:57.207
I'm gonna go find my own team.
904
00:48:57.301 --> 00:48:58.803
Todd. Wait. Come on.
905
00:49:00.638 --> 00:49:03.642
Todd was right,
we were being dicks.
906
00:49:03.741 --> 00:49:05.118
But the truth is,
the only person
907
00:49:05.209 --> 00:49:08.088
I really wanted on
the team was Mindy,
908
00:49:08.479 --> 00:49:11.722
but she was too busy
trying not to be a superhero.
909
00:49:12.216 --> 00:49:14.059
Okay, Min, he's here.
910
00:49:20.724 --> 00:49:23.398
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?
911
00:49:23.561 --> 00:49:25.472
Like the first time
Big Daddy sent me into
912
00:49:25.563 --> 00:49:28.237
a crack den with nothing
but a penknife.
913
00:49:28.933 --> 00:49:31.106
I've got some butterflies.
914
00:49:32.303 --> 00:49:35.307
You just be yourself
and you let me be nervous.
915
00:49:35.439 --> 00:49:39.080
Don't worry about me. I can
kill a man with his own finger.
916
00:49:39.143 --> 00:49:42.181
A word of advice, I wouldn't
open with that.
917
00:49:46.517 --> 00:49:48.656
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.
918
00:49:48.752 --> 00:49:49.924
Well, uh,
919
00:49:50.321 --> 00:49:53.268
how else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?
920
00:49:53.591 --> 00:49:55.593
Thanks.
You're welcome.
921
00:50:08.806 --> 00:50:10.012
Where are we going?
922
00:50:10.107 --> 00:50:11.279
To a party.
923
00:50:11.375 --> 00:50:14.219
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?
924
00:50:14.311 --> 00:50:17.622
Because that's where keg
parties usually are, right?
925
00:50:31.228 --> 00:50:32.673
Guess we're
the first ones here.
926
00:50:32.796 --> 00:50:35.333
This isn't where you
have a party, moron.
927
00:50:35.399 --> 00:50:36.844
This is where you
dump a dead body.
928
00:50:36.967 --> 00:50:38.503
What's your problem?
929
00:50:38.569 --> 00:50:39.741
I'm sorry.
930
00:50:40.971 --> 00:50:43.383
I'll stop being such a bitch.
931
00:50:43.474 --> 00:50:44.795
You actually seem
like a nice guy.
932
00:50:46.977 --> 00:50:48.081
So, um..
933
00:50:49.313 --> 00:50:50.587
You wanna hook up?
934
00:50:50.681 --> 00:50:51.887
And a total idiot.
935
00:50:54.752 --> 00:50:56.891
Simon, get back in the car.
936
00:50:57.388 --> 00:50:58.731
Now!!
937
00:51:08.265 --> 00:51:10.108
Yay, you made it.
938
00:51:10.267 --> 00:51:11.746
Brooke?
939
00:51:12.269 --> 00:51:15.250
This is to celebrate you.
940
00:51:16.006 --> 00:51:17.417
Celebrate?
941
00:51:17.508 --> 00:51:19.510
What a total loser you are.
942
00:51:20.244 --> 00:51:22.747
And we ditch losers.
943
00:51:23.781 --> 00:51:26.887
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?
944
00:51:27.351 --> 00:51:29.854
The cool kids saw
something special in you
945
00:51:29.920 --> 00:51:32.400
and invited you
to your first party
946
00:51:32.790 --> 00:51:34.428
where you'd sip your first beer
947
00:51:34.525 --> 00:51:37.472
and finally suck face
for the first time?
948
00:51:37.962 --> 00:51:41.034
Newsflash, you're not special.
949
00:51:43.634 --> 00:51:47.104
Fuck with the queen bee
and you're gonna get stung.
950
00:51:49.206 --> 00:51:50.879
Date ditch.
951
00:51:51.809 --> 00:51:52.981
Party at my house!!
952
00:51:53.077 --> 00:51:54.147
Pathetic.
953
00:51:54.244 --> 00:51:56.588
Simon, you can drive us.
954
00:52:42.993 --> 00:52:44.199
Dave?
955
00:52:45.629 --> 00:52:49.839
Oh, my God!! Mindy? Holy shit.
What are you doing?
956
00:52:50.601 --> 00:52:54.276
Just needed to see
my Robin, I guess.
957
00:52:57.307 --> 00:52:59.116
Are you okay?
958
00:52:59.777 --> 00:53:01.518
Hey, hey, hey.
959
00:53:05.949 --> 00:53:08.020
I don't know what to do.
960
00:53:08.285 --> 00:53:10.287
Those girls, they're..
961
00:53:11.321 --> 00:53:12.994
They're evil.
962
00:53:13.457 --> 00:53:15.835
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit?
963
00:53:15.893 --> 00:53:19.397
You should be out there in the real
world making it a better place.
964
00:53:20.464 --> 00:53:21.704
Dave, I can't.
965
00:53:21.799 --> 00:53:23.540
I know, you promised your dad.
966
00:53:26.303 --> 00:53:28.180
But he's not here anymore.
967
00:53:28.972 --> 00:53:31.816
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
968
00:53:33.310 --> 00:53:36.086
How am I supposed
to face them tomorrow?
969
00:53:37.648 --> 00:53:38.683
I'm so embarrassed.
970
00:53:38.749 --> 00:53:39.750
Why?
971
00:53:39.850 --> 00:53:44.321
You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're funny.
972
00:53:46.824 --> 00:53:50.431
You're the strongest person I've ever met.
You can do anything.
973
00:53:50.728 --> 00:53:52.674
And you're Hit Girl.
974
00:53:52.930 --> 00:53:56.241
Doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or makeup,
975
00:53:56.333 --> 00:53:57.778
it's who you really are.
976
00:53:59.603 --> 00:54:02.277
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?
977
00:54:02.372 --> 00:54:03.874
No!! Definitely not.
978
00:54:03.941 --> 00:54:05.420
I'm fucking with you.
979
00:54:08.679 --> 00:54:10.750
Just beat them
at their own game.
980
00:54:11.949 --> 00:54:13.951
By being yourself.
981
00:54:22.025 --> 00:54:24.869
Well, if you
really wanna be popular,
982
00:54:25.028 --> 00:54:29.033
consider two little words,
"sexy" "tape."
983
00:54:45.716 --> 00:54:48.322
Lois, you don't
need these ax wounds.
984
00:54:48.418 --> 00:54:50.921
If I can dress
like them, so can you.
985
00:54:51.722 --> 00:54:55.260
It's a gift from some drug
dealer who went missing.
986
00:54:56.426 --> 00:54:58.406
Just because you dress like us,
987
00:54:58.562 --> 00:55:00.473
doesn't mean you
can be like one of us.
988
00:55:00.798 --> 00:55:04.075
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine,
989
00:55:04.168 --> 00:55:07.012
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.
990
00:55:07.137 --> 00:55:09.117
Okay,
Captain Muffin-Muncher,
991
00:55:09.173 --> 00:55:10.811
have fun playing
make-believe.
992
00:55:10.908 --> 00:55:11.943
This?
993
00:55:12.009 --> 00:55:13.647
This is all make-believe,
Brooke.
994
00:55:13.744 --> 00:55:16.247
The reality is
you're an evil bitch
995
00:55:16.346 --> 00:55:18.758
who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.
996
00:55:19.650 --> 00:55:22.961
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.
997
00:55:23.086 --> 00:55:26.158
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy
998
00:55:26.256 --> 00:55:27.428
and I make adorable
999
00:55:27.491 --> 00:55:30.961
babies for my nanny to take care
of while we vacay in Paris.
1000
00:55:31.094 --> 00:55:34.837
My life is gonna rock
and yours is gonna suck.
1001
00:55:34.965 --> 00:55:37.138
And no matter
how slutty you dress,
1002
00:55:37.267 --> 00:55:40.771
no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss
that hole you call a mouth.
1003
00:55:40.871 --> 00:55:44.216
So why don't you spare us all the
whining and slit your wrists now?
1004
00:55:44.341 --> 00:55:46.014
'Cause the only thing
that's gonna ruin my day
1005
00:55:46.109 --> 00:55:48.885
is looking at your face
one more second.
1006
00:55:49.179 --> 00:55:51.125
Told her.
Damn.
1007
00:55:52.783 --> 00:55:55.024
What's that?
A ghetto cell phone?
1008
00:55:55.219 --> 00:55:57.813
Gonna call for
help with a come-back?
1009
00:55:57.839 --> 00:55:58.487
Hmm.
1010
00:55:58.522 --> 00:56:02.732
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled DARPA employee.
1011
00:56:02.860 --> 00:56:05.864
You see, it was designed for crowd
control, but deemed too severe.
1012
00:56:05.996 --> 00:56:10.001
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
1013
00:56:10.334 --> 00:56:12.644
He called it
"the sick stick."
1014
00:56:12.736 --> 00:56:14.579
Either your daddy
got ripped off,
1015
00:56:14.671 --> 00:56:16.981
or you're back in make-believe
land, sweetheart,
1016
00:56:17.541 --> 00:56:19.646
because we feel fabulous.
1017
00:56:19.810 --> 00:56:21.312
Not for long.
1018
00:56:29.987 --> 00:56:32.024
Oh, my God!!
1019
00:56:33.323 --> 00:56:36.167
You get away from me.
Please, you win.
1020
00:56:36.226 --> 00:56:38.832
I don't wanna win. I just want to
make the world a better place.
1021
00:56:55.345 --> 00:56:56.517
Dad?
1022
00:56:56.680 --> 00:56:59.251
You home? Dad?
1023
00:57:02.352 --> 00:57:03.512
Is this what you've been up to
1024
00:57:03.520 --> 00:57:05.727
while I'm out working nights
saving for your college?
1025
00:57:05.856 --> 00:57:08.132
You've been dressing up
and fighting people?
1026
00:57:08.225 --> 00:57:11.069
There is blood on
these stick things.
1027
00:57:12.029 --> 00:57:13.736
What are you doing in my room?
1028
00:57:13.797 --> 00:57:15.708
I was looking for drugs.
1029
00:57:15.766 --> 00:57:16.801
I was worried about you.
1030
00:57:16.900 --> 00:57:18.072
Okay, good.
Now you can stop.
1031
00:57:18.135 --> 00:57:19.978
No. Now I'm even
more worried.
1032
00:57:20.070 --> 00:57:22.107
Jesus, Dave,
drugs would have been better.
1033
00:57:22.205 --> 00:57:23.878
This is deranged.
1034
00:57:23.941 --> 00:57:25.887
Whoa. Some people
do a lot worse.
1035
00:57:26.043 --> 00:57:27.784
Oh, the people you hang outwith?
No.
1036
00:57:27.878 --> 00:57:30.119
The people I hang out
with are superheroes.
1037
00:57:30.213 --> 00:57:32.284
There is no such thing, Dave.
1038
00:57:32.382 --> 00:57:35.226
This is the real world
with real consequences.
1039
00:57:35.285 --> 00:57:36.628
When are you gonna grow up?
1040
00:57:36.720 --> 00:57:38.393
If it means
turning into you, never.
1041
00:57:38.555 --> 00:57:40.796
I don't wear the mask because
I'm ashamed of who I am.
1042
00:57:40.891 --> 00:57:42.893
Not like you.
1043
00:57:43.627 --> 00:57:44.901
What's that supposed to mean?
1044
00:57:44.962 --> 00:57:47.306
If you're not at work,
you're here doing crunches.
1045
00:57:47.431 --> 00:57:49.274
Why? So you can
look like someone else?
1046
00:57:49.333 --> 00:57:51.574
Maybe get a few more years
of doing nothing?
1047
00:57:51.635 --> 00:57:53.808
Your life has no meaning, Dad.
1048
00:57:53.904 --> 00:57:55.577
When you're gone,
who's gonna notice?
1049
00:57:55.639 --> 00:57:56.640
Where the hell are you going?
1050
00:57:56.740 --> 00:57:59.812
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's
what you do when you grow up.
1051
00:58:07.651 --> 00:58:09.927
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?
1052
00:58:09.987 --> 00:58:12.695
When your Uncle Ralph
calls, I don't ask questions.
1053
00:58:16.426 --> 00:58:18.133
Just the kid.
1054
00:58:19.429 --> 00:58:22.433
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.
1055
00:58:27.104 --> 00:58:28.811
Hey, how you doing?
1056
00:58:28.872 --> 00:58:30.180
Good, Uncle Ralph.
1057
00:58:30.273 --> 00:58:33.948
Listen, Chrissy, things have been
tough all around since your dad,
1058
00:58:34.011 --> 00:58:35.115
you know.
1059
00:58:35.645 --> 00:58:39.115
Well, I been trying to get the
family back on track from in here.
1060
00:58:39.282 --> 00:58:40.989
They record these things.
1061
00:58:41.051 --> 00:58:42.462
I know, it's fine.
1062
00:58:42.619 --> 00:58:45.190
The warden's a pal.
Now listen to me.
1063
00:58:45.322 --> 00:58:46.733
It's okay to have a bit of fun,
1064
00:58:46.823 --> 00:58:48.962
but you can't go hiring
a gang of heavy hitters.
1065
00:58:49.159 --> 00:58:51.036
Javier should have told you.
1066
00:58:51.128 --> 00:58:52.539
No, it doesn't matter.
1067
00:58:52.662 --> 00:58:56.633
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make
Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
1068
00:58:56.700 --> 00:58:59.681
Chrissy, you need
to forget that punk.
1069
00:58:59.736 --> 00:59:01.647
It's more important
that you stay out of this.
1070
00:59:02.005 --> 00:59:04.986
You're not like me,
or your dad, you're, uh..
1071
00:59:05.976 --> 00:59:07.148
Special.
1072
00:59:11.181 --> 00:59:14.185
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.
1073
00:59:14.818 --> 00:59:17.162
I know who I am now.
1074
00:59:17.220 --> 00:59:18.324
Oh, yeah?
1075
00:59:19.089 --> 00:59:20.727
And who's that?
1076
00:59:20.824 --> 00:59:22.201
The Motherfucker.
1077
00:59:27.597 --> 00:59:30.100
You think you're
the big bad guy, huh?
1078
00:59:31.835 --> 00:59:35.044
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.
1079
00:59:44.748 --> 00:59:45.954
Hello?
1080
00:59:46.950 --> 00:59:48.554
Javier, what's going on?
1081
00:59:48.685 --> 00:59:50.255
Chris, what's up?
1082
00:59:50.353 --> 00:59:51.873
What are you doing
on Lou's phone, huh?
1083
00:59:52.022 --> 00:59:53.797
Drop yours in the toilet again?
1084
00:59:53.890 --> 00:59:55.096
Everything okay?
1085
01:00:19.416 --> 01:00:22.420
Thank you for that I needed it.
1086
01:00:23.987 --> 01:00:25.295
For what comes next.
1087
01:00:25.388 --> 01:00:26.833
Don't be stupid, Chris.
1088
01:00:26.923 --> 01:00:30.132
Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.
1089
01:00:30.227 --> 01:00:33.765
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.
1090
01:00:41.071 --> 01:00:42.641
Voila!!
1091
01:00:42.739 --> 01:00:48.587
Presto and elegant, damn. Them
boys designed a very tasty logo.
1092
01:00:52.983 --> 01:00:55.793
What's the matter, girl?
You hear something?
1093
01:00:56.820 --> 01:00:58.766
Come on, let's go see.
Come on!!
1094
01:01:04.928 --> 01:01:06.669
Anybody out here?
1095
01:01:08.331 --> 01:01:09.935
I don't see anything.
1096
01:01:11.701 --> 01:01:14.841
Gonna have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.
1097
01:01:19.643 --> 01:01:21.486
I wonder what's bothering you.
1098
01:01:21.878 --> 01:01:24.950
I know. Tonight you die.
1099
01:01:26.783 --> 01:01:28.160
Ladies first.
1100
01:01:28.218 --> 01:01:29.993
You will not shoot me.
1101
01:01:30.153 --> 01:01:34.829
You are superhero. You help people.
You do not hurt them.
1102
01:01:35.292 --> 01:01:37.704
That's supervillain territory.
1103
01:01:37.794 --> 01:01:39.205
Or as I like to
call my little gang,
1104
01:01:39.329 --> 01:01:40.706
the Toxic Mega-Cums.
1105
01:01:40.797 --> 01:01:42.140
Hi.
1106
01:01:48.238 --> 01:01:50.548
Yeah, like your head.
1107
01:02:01.651 --> 01:02:02.755
Yay!!
1108
01:02:03.353 --> 01:02:04.491
Ooh, it's gotta hurt!!
1109
01:02:18.001 --> 01:02:20.504
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.
1110
01:02:20.904 --> 01:02:23.510
You used to be
Sal Bertolini, didn't you?
1111
01:02:23.573 --> 01:02:27.521
Did a few jobs for my dad back in the
day, before you got "born again."
1112
01:02:27.711 --> 01:02:30.920
I used to hang with
a lot of losers.
1113
01:02:32.549 --> 01:02:36.554
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?
1114
01:02:38.021 --> 01:02:40.092
Who are you supposed to be?
1115
01:02:40.190 --> 01:02:42.033
I'm The Motherfucker!!
1116
01:02:42.125 --> 01:02:45.538
And I'm here to end Kick-Ass.
Not just kill him.
1117
01:02:45.629 --> 01:02:49.202
I am gonna shit on
everything that he loves.
1118
01:02:49.266 --> 01:02:52.145
Let's trash this place, guys.
1119
01:02:59.643 --> 01:03:01.384
"Miranda Swedlow"?
1120
01:03:02.579 --> 01:03:05.992
Who's that, Sal? She one
of the whores on your team?
1121
01:03:19.963 --> 01:03:23.638
Night Bitch all
snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
1122
01:03:23.733 --> 01:03:26.179
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket.
1123
01:03:28.238 --> 01:03:30.149
Want me to kill his dog?
1124
01:03:30.240 --> 01:03:33.346
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.
1125
01:03:35.178 --> 01:03:37.180
Cut the old man's head off.
1126
01:03:37.314 --> 01:03:39.487
You guys hungry?
I'm starving. Come on.
1127
01:03:39.582 --> 01:03:41.687
Pizza, can we get pizza?
1128
01:03:41.785 --> 01:03:42.786
We're getting pizza.
1129
01:03:42.852 --> 01:03:45.662
Don't worry, I kill you first.
1130
01:03:49.159 --> 01:03:51.036
Justice For..
1131
01:03:51.661 --> 01:03:52.662
ever.
1132
01:03:52.762 --> 01:03:55.766
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.
1133
01:03:56.099 --> 01:03:57.840
According to Twitter,
a man claiming to be
1134
01:03:57.934 --> 01:03:59.880
the world's
first supervillain..
1135
01:03:59.969 --> 01:04:02.779
Hold you, no TV.
You're grounded, remember?
1136
01:04:03.506 --> 01:04:05.508
Marcus, I know
I made you a promise,
1137
01:04:05.642 --> 01:04:06.985
but I can't keep
being someone I'm not.
1138
01:04:07.043 --> 01:04:08.886
When I see evil,
I have to stop it.
1139
01:04:09.012 --> 01:04:12.221
Mindy, what you did to those girls
at school was unacceptable.
1140
01:04:12.349 --> 01:04:14.329
You could have really hurt them.
You're right, I could have,
1141
01:04:14.451 --> 01:04:16.294
but instead I sent them home
with tummy-aches.
1142
01:04:16.353 --> 01:04:17.957
Boo-fucking-hoo.
1143
01:04:18.021 --> 01:04:21.161
I don't get ii. This obsession that
you have with revenge is not healthy.
1144
01:04:21.291 --> 01:04:23.134
If you don't let me
and the police do our jobs,
1145
01:04:23.193 --> 01:04:25.073
there is gonna be nothing
that I can do for you.
1146
01:04:25.128 --> 01:04:26.630
You're never gonna
have a normal life
1147
01:04:26.696 --> 01:04:28.175
and you'll probably
end up like your father.
1148
01:04:28.231 --> 01:04:29.972
Marcus, they cut
a guy's head off.
1149
01:04:30.033 --> 01:04:31.979
Who else is going to stop them?
1150
01:04:32.068 --> 01:04:34.139
Kick-Ass? You?
1151
01:04:34.671 --> 01:04:37.345
You go to your room
and do your homework.
1152
01:04:46.916 --> 01:04:48.088
Now!!
1153
01:04:52.255 --> 01:04:55.702
Hey, guys, we're signing a
sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
1154
01:04:55.825 --> 01:04:59.705
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?
1155
01:05:01.331 --> 01:05:03.402
Did you guys see The
Motherfuckers Twitter page?
1156
01:05:03.533 --> 01:05:05.604
Who is this guy? And what's
his problem with us?
1157
01:05:05.735 --> 01:05:08.375
I don't know, but he has got
some elephant-sized balls.
1158
01:05:08.505 --> 01:05:11.076
He's been bragging on the web about
what they did to the Colonel.
1159
01:05:11.207 --> 01:05:12.584
Can that be traced?
1160
01:05:12.675 --> 01:05:15.417
I tried.
His IP address is masked.
1161
01:05:15.545 --> 01:05:18.226
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna organize a fight.
1162
01:05:18.348 --> 01:05:20.555
There are a lot of guys online who
said they're in if we need them.
1163
01:05:20.617 --> 01:05:22.722
Are you kidding me?
This isn't West Side Story.
1164
01:05:22.786 --> 01:05:24.697
We didn't join up
to be in a gang.
1165
01:05:24.754 --> 01:05:26.154
We did this so
we could help people.
1166
01:05:26.256 --> 01:05:28.361
Shannon!! right. We need to
leave this to the cops.
1167
01:05:28.458 --> 01:05:29.960
We better start
walking in pairs.
1168
01:05:30.059 --> 01:05:33.973
Motherfuckers tweeted that the
Colonel was just the beginning.
1169
01:05:34.063 --> 01:05:35.974
Anybody seen Night Bitch?
1170
01:05:47.310 --> 01:05:49.051
Are you sure
she's on that team?
1171
01:05:49.112 --> 01:05:53.288
Stupid gash posted on her superhero
page that shes dating Kick-Ass.
1172
01:05:53.416 --> 01:05:55.453
So, yeah, I'm damn sure.
1173
01:05:59.422 --> 01:06:00.765
Hello, Night Bitch!!
1174
01:06:00.824 --> 01:06:02.098
Hey.
1175
01:06:03.493 --> 01:06:05.996
Oh, she wants to take
the party upstairs.
1176
01:06:06.129 --> 01:06:08.268
We're gonna have a party.
1177
01:06:08.398 --> 01:06:10.241
She closed the door.
1178
01:06:15.305 --> 01:06:17.615
Don't worry, darling,
I'm not gonna kill you.
1179
01:06:17.740 --> 01:06:20.311
I want you to give a message
to your boyfriend.
1180
01:06:22.278 --> 01:06:23.780
Come on, wriggly.
1181
01:06:23.913 --> 01:06:25.085
Let go!!
1182
01:06:25.181 --> 01:06:27.957
You're done banging superheroes, baby.
1183
01:06:28.084 --> 01:06:30.690
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.
1184
01:06:38.428 --> 01:06:39.702
Shit.
1185
01:06:40.363 --> 01:06:41.671
What's wrong?
1186
01:06:44.200 --> 01:06:45.941
What are you doing?
1187
01:06:48.004 --> 01:06:49.142
Come on!!
1188
01:06:51.107 --> 01:06:54.452
God, okay, I'm just..
I'm not in the mood.
1189
01:06:54.544 --> 01:06:56.683
I guess evil dick feels limp.
1190
01:06:57.280 --> 01:06:59.783
Hurt her. Bad!!
1191
01:07:01.718 --> 01:07:03.356
Cops are coming.
1192
01:07:03.453 --> 01:07:06.900
Leave it to Mother Russia. She
makes 10 times what we do.
1193
01:07:07.023 --> 01:07:10.732
Fifty thousand a week.
Plus expenses.
1194
01:07:12.462 --> 01:07:13.634
Hey, watch out!!
1195
01:07:22.639 --> 01:07:23.982
Wow!!
1196
01:07:35.151 --> 01:07:36.653
Reverse it!! Reverse it!!
1197
01:07:45.562 --> 01:07:46.905
Don't move!! Freeze!!
1198
01:07:53.102 --> 01:07:55.343
Fifty thousand.
She's worth it'
1199
01:08:04.681 --> 01:08:05.921
Whoa, whoa!!
Why are they backing up?
1200
01:08:06.015 --> 01:08:07.858
Why is there a lawnmower
on the trunk?
1201
01:08:11.588 --> 01:08:12.760
Wow!!
1202
01:08:19.696 --> 01:08:21.403
We need back-up,
eight men down.
1203
01:08:22.532 --> 01:08:24.273
I think you mean 10.
1204
01:08:34.611 --> 01:08:37.820
Let's bounce!! Put the word out
I'm building an evil army.
1205
01:08:37.914 --> 01:08:40.224
All psychopaths
and ex-cons welcome.
1206
01:08:40.316 --> 01:08:43.559
I don't think you're gonna have a
problem when people hear about this.
1207
01:08:48.391 --> 01:08:50.166
They just disappeared?
1208
01:08:50.560 --> 01:08:51.971
All they have to do is
take off their masks,
1209
01:08:52.061 --> 01:08:54.473
no one's gonna recognize them once
they're back in their street clothes.
1210
01:08:54.564 --> 01:08:56.441
Your attention, please!!
1211
01:08:56.566 --> 01:09:00.912
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.
1212
01:09:01.004 --> 01:09:02.483
We got every law
enforcement agency
1213
01:09:02.572 --> 01:09:04.779
in the state working
to hit them at once!!
1214
01:09:04.907 --> 01:09:06.648
Why is Kick-Ass
on this list?
1215
01:09:06.743 --> 01:09:07.778
His crew does
community service.
1216
01:09:07.910 --> 01:09:11.016
I don't give a shit. Anyone wearing
a mask is getting detained.
1217
01:09:11.114 --> 01:09:13.526
We're putting an end
to this tonight!!
1218
01:09:14.083 --> 01:09:17.587
A lot of people said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.
1219
01:09:18.287 --> 01:09:20.460
But you gotta put it
into context.
1220
01:09:21.524 --> 01:09:24.334
The police didn't mind
our real life superhero stuff
1221
01:09:24.427 --> 01:09:25.838
as long as we were
picking up litter
1222
01:09:25.928 --> 01:09:27.635
or helping old ladies
cross the street.
1223
01:09:29.365 --> 01:09:31.868
But suddenly it was serious.
1224
01:09:32.435 --> 01:09:36.281
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.
1225
01:09:36.806 --> 01:09:38.114
Freeze!!
1226
01:09:38.374 --> 01:09:42.151
Dad had warned me that the real
world had real consequences.
1227
01:09:42.612 --> 01:09:45.889
As they pulled up, he must have been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.
1228
01:09:47.817 --> 01:09:51.162
Oh, shit, Dave.
What have you done?
1229
01:09:55.124 --> 01:09:56.728
Police, open up.
1230
01:10:01.397 --> 01:10:02.535
Hey.
1231
01:10:02.632 --> 01:10:03.633
Hi.
1232
01:10:03.800 --> 01:10:06.804
Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.
1233
01:10:09.806 --> 01:10:10.978
Wow.
1234
01:10:12.141 --> 01:10:13.882
You're actually pretty cute
under that mask.
1235
01:10:15.344 --> 01:10:18.325
I'm so sorry
about what happened.
1236
01:10:18.381 --> 01:10:19.883
Don't be.
1237
01:10:20.850 --> 01:10:22.659
It's my own fault.
1238
01:10:22.819 --> 01:10:25.425
We're gonna find these
assholes and make this right.
1239
01:10:25.521 --> 01:10:27.228
What's the point?
1240
01:10:29.325 --> 01:10:31.066
I mean,
we're really superheroes
1241
01:10:31.160 --> 01:10:32.833
about as much as
we're really dating.
1242
01:10:33.362 --> 01:10:36.036
We don't even know
each others names.
1243
01:10:36.999 --> 01:10:39.741
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.
1244
01:10:40.570 --> 01:10:43.608
I thought we were trying
to make it a better place.
1245
01:10:45.007 --> 01:10:47.009
Then why is it worse?
1246
01:10:48.878 --> 01:10:50.880
Maybe Night Bitch was right,
1247
01:10:51.347 --> 01:10:53.349
which means Dad was, too.
1248
01:10:54.350 --> 01:10:57.354
I mean, things had
gotten out of hand.
1249
01:10:57.854 --> 01:11:00.232
Maybe it was time for me to
stop crashing at Marty's
1250
01:11:00.289 --> 01:11:02.200
and start apologizing.
1251
01:11:11.968 --> 01:11:13.072
Dad?
1252
01:11:13.736 --> 01:11:15.545
Whoa, whoa.
That's my dad.
1253
01:11:15.705 --> 01:11:17.150
Your dad's Kick-Ass?
What?
1254
01:11:17.240 --> 01:11:18.878
Yeah, he just gave himself up.
1255
01:11:20.576 --> 01:11:23.386
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me.
1256
01:11:23.479 --> 01:11:24.753
Dad!!
1257
01:11:25.648 --> 01:11:26.718
Dad!!
1258
01:11:43.833 --> 01:11:45.437
Mindy?
Dave?
1259
01:11:45.568 --> 01:11:47.169
I need your help.
My dad's been arrested.
1260
01:11:47.170 --> 01:11:49.309
They think he's Kick-Ass.
Can you talk to Marcus?
1261
01:11:49.405 --> 01:11:51.248
I'm grounded.
So?
1262
01:11:51.340 --> 01:11:53.183
So that means
I can't get involved.
1263
01:11:53.276 --> 01:11:54.914
Look. Wait a second.
I wish I could help.
1264
01:11:55.077 --> 01:11:57.318
Mindy!!
Are you on the phone?
1265
01:11:57.413 --> 01:11:58.517
Look, I gotta go, okay?
1266
01:11:59.081 --> 01:12:00.287
I'm sorry, Dave.
1267
01:12:00.349 --> 01:12:01.487
Mindy, wait, wait.
1268
01:12:14.096 --> 01:12:15.803
Hey, what the hell
were you thinking?
1269
01:12:15.932 --> 01:12:17.843
Yeah, I could ask you
the same thing.
1270
01:12:17.934 --> 01:12:19.971
I can't believe
you lied to them.
1271
01:12:20.036 --> 01:12:21.674
I wasn't gonna do nothing
while you went to jail.
1272
01:12:21.771 --> 01:12:25.014
I chose this. You should let
me deal with the consequences.
1273
01:12:25.107 --> 01:12:26.552
I thought you
wanted me to grow up.
1274
01:12:26.642 --> 01:12:29.851
Yeah? When you get a kid of your
own one day, you'll understand.
1275
01:12:29.946 --> 01:12:30.947
I'm gonna tell them the truth.
1276
01:12:31.013 --> 01:12:33.118
No. Hey..
It'll just make things worse.
1277
01:12:33.282 --> 01:12:35.193
Look, I spoke to my attorney.
1278
01:12:35.284 --> 01:12:37.127
He said they gotta
let me out by tomorrow.
1279
01:12:37.286 --> 01:12:39.664
No actual crime was committed.
1280
01:12:41.791 --> 01:12:44.795
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
1281
01:12:45.795 --> 01:12:48.139
Well, the cops are out
there looking for them,
1282
01:12:48.197 --> 01:12:52.043
so the safest place for Kick-Ass
is right here, locked away.
1283
01:12:52.168 --> 01:12:54.512
I don't know how you got
into all this shit, but
1284
01:12:54.570 --> 01:12:58.814
you gotta promise me you will never
dress up in that outfit again.
1285
01:12:59.242 --> 01:13:00.812
Do you hear me?
1286
01:13:08.251 --> 01:13:09.753
I promise.
1287
01:13:18.494 --> 01:13:21.338
This evil lair owns!!
1288
01:13:21.497 --> 01:13:23.499
Do people still
say that, "own"?
1289
01:13:23.599 --> 01:13:25.408
Yeah, of course.
1290
01:13:25.501 --> 01:13:27.606
Your shark.
Somethings wrong.
1291
01:13:27.737 --> 01:13:29.257
Think you used
the wrong kind of water.
1292
01:13:29.338 --> 01:13:30.510
What the hell, Eyal?
1293
01:13:30.606 --> 01:13:32.916
Ifs fine, Chris. They're supposed
to lie at the bottom of the tank.
1294
01:13:33.009 --> 01:13:34.784
It's just their way of,
how you say,
1295
01:13:34.877 --> 01:13:36.117
settling into
their environment.
1296
01:13:36.178 --> 01:13:38.021
Don't screw me on this, okay?
1297
01:13:38.080 --> 01:13:39.252
You said we'd be
ready in two days,
1298
01:13:39.348 --> 01:13:40.588
we don't even have
a men's room yet.
1299
01:13:40.683 --> 01:13:41.923
Don't worry.
1300
01:13:42.018 --> 01:13:43.929
What's with the bags of shit?
1301
01:13:44.020 --> 01:13:45.795
It's fertilizer for the bombs.
1302
01:13:45.922 --> 01:13:49.267
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.
1303
01:13:49.358 --> 01:13:51.770
It will not work.
You need a chemical kind.
1304
01:13:51.861 --> 01:13:55.206
Do I have to do everything myself?
Just fix it!!
1305
01:13:55.364 --> 01:13:59.210
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.
1306
01:13:59.302 --> 01:14:01.782
Mmm, no. No.
Except it's not, okay?
1307
01:14:02.138 --> 01:14:04.880
That sad sack
is not Kick-Ass.
1308
01:14:04.941 --> 01:14:07.387
I've seen Kick-Ass,
he's like my age.
1309
01:14:07.443 --> 01:14:09.389
Guy's old enough
to be his father.
1310
01:14:09.445 --> 01:14:10.890
No shit, right.
1311
01:14:11.547 --> 01:14:13.891
I'm sorry, who are you?
1312
01:14:14.050 --> 01:14:17.156
I, uh, volunteered for your
evil army, like the others.
1313
01:14:17.286 --> 01:14:20.733
Right. I appreciate that.
Thanks for joining the cause.
1314
01:14:20.890 --> 01:14:24.337
This is the VIP area
for the core group.
1315
01:14:24.460 --> 01:14:27.134
I just thought it was
funny you said that.
1316
01:14:27.229 --> 01:14:28.731
Because he is
Kick-Ass, father.
1317
01:14:28.898 --> 01:14:29.842
Who?
1318
01:14:29.932 --> 01:14:32.003
Mr. Lizewski.
He's Kick-Ass, dad.
1319
01:14:32.802 --> 01:14:35.078
Shut up!!
1320
01:14:35.304 --> 01:14:37.978
Yeah. You're not
gonna tell anyone, are you?
1321
01:14:38.074 --> 01:14:39.417
No.
1322
01:14:39.809 --> 01:14:41.982
But you, my friend,
have just earned
1323
01:14:42.078 --> 01:14:44.615
life-time access
to my VIP area.
1324
01:14:44.814 --> 01:14:46.589
Go take a little seat.
1325
01:14:46.649 --> 01:14:47.889
Hey, get the kid a Frappuccino,
1326
01:14:47.984 --> 01:14:50.590
then put his little
punk ass back to work.
1327
01:14:56.158 --> 01:14:57.364
Okay.
1328
01:14:58.260 --> 01:14:59.603
Come on.
1329
01:15:12.174 --> 01:15:13.676
Can I help you?
1330
01:15:13.776 --> 01:15:16.882
The Motherfucker wants us
to take a picture with you.
1331
01:15:17.680 --> 01:15:19.717
It helps that my dad
is a really good lawyer.
1332
01:15:19.849 --> 01:15:21.481
Because I
don't think my beautiful ass
1333
01:15:21.484 --> 01:15:23.623
would last too long in prison.
1334
01:15:23.986 --> 01:15:27.695
Whoa, that's weird. Chris
D'Amico just texted me a picture.
1335
01:15:27.823 --> 01:15:30.861
Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?
1336
01:15:37.566 --> 01:15:39.045
MARTY; What is it?
1337
01:15:39.468 --> 01:15:40.538
Dude, what's wrong?
1338
01:15:44.340 --> 01:15:46.013
What is it?
1339
01:16:00.856 --> 01:16:03.598
The next few days
passed in a fog.
1340
01:16:05.528 --> 01:16:08.873
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris,
1341
01:16:09.198 --> 01:16:11.200
they couldn't find him.
1342
01:16:12.168 --> 01:16:14.842
The cops did show up
at Dad's funeral,
1343
01:16:15.204 --> 01:16:16.410
not out of respect,
1344
01:16:16.505 --> 01:16:19.714
but because they were scared
something would happen.
1345
01:16:20.409 --> 01:16:22.548
My dad was a decent man.
1346
01:16:22.611 --> 01:16:25.683
All he ever did was try
and give me a good life,
1347
01:16:26.682 --> 01:16:28.958
and I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.
1348
01:16:30.052 --> 01:16:31.861
I love you, pal.
1349
01:16:32.521 --> 01:16:34.728
I love you, too, Dad.
1350
01:16:41.564 --> 01:16:42.975
You guys came.
1351
01:16:43.065 --> 01:16:46.911
We'd love to help you track down
this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but
1352
01:16:47.403 --> 01:16:49.314
we just got out on parole.
1353
01:16:49.405 --> 01:16:50.816
No, that's fine.
1354
01:16:51.407 --> 01:16:53.409
I'm not looking for revenge.
1355
01:16:53.542 --> 01:16:56.989
Last thing I promised my dad was
that I was gonna give this up.
1356
01:16:57.379 --> 01:16:59.586
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
1357
01:16:59.715 --> 01:17:01.422
But you started this.
1358
01:17:02.284 --> 01:17:03.820
Now I'm ending it.
1359
01:17:13.062 --> 01:17:17.340
Dave, I'm so sorry. Do you
hate me for not helping?
1360
01:17:17.466 --> 01:17:19.468
No, not even a little bit.
1361
01:17:19.835 --> 01:17:22.782
You were right.
You gave it up.
1362
01:17:23.939 --> 01:17:27.682
If I had, too, my dad
would still be alive.
1363
01:17:29.845 --> 01:17:32.587
The only person
I blame is myself.
1364
01:17:46.295 --> 01:17:47.968
Let's do this!!
1365
01:17:50.833 --> 01:17:51.834
Get down!!
1366
01:17:56.372 --> 01:17:57.783
Mindy!!
1367
01:17:59.975 --> 01:18:01.045
Spread out!!
1368
01:18:10.119 --> 01:18:11.223
Keep your head down!!
1369
01:18:21.897 --> 01:18:23.035
Come on!!
1370
01:18:26.235 --> 01:18:27.373
Whoa, whoa, whoa!!
1371
01:18:28.871 --> 01:18:30.248
Get him!!
1372
01:18:30.839 --> 01:18:32.910
Get that van over here!!
1373
01:18:35.311 --> 01:18:36.813
Hurry up!!
1374
01:18:39.215 --> 01:18:40.421
Mindy?
1375
01:18:40.549 --> 01:18:41.892
Mindy!!
1376
01:18:50.859 --> 01:18:52.167
Mindy?
1377
01:18:58.234 --> 01:19:00.339
You gotta put this on.
1378
01:19:05.241 --> 01:19:06.743
I'm not gonna do it.
1379
01:19:08.611 --> 01:19:11.421
There's nothing left you can
do to hurt me.
1380
01:19:13.949 --> 01:19:15.428
You wanna bet?
1381
01:19:18.454 --> 01:19:19.524
Whoa!! Whoa!!
1382
01:19:21.123 --> 01:19:23.125
Game on, cocksuckers!!
1383
01:19:27.429 --> 01:19:29.136
There's a girl on the roof!!
1384
01:19:42.077 --> 01:19:44.079
She's still up there!!
1385
01:20:00.462 --> 01:20:02.601
I think I got her!!
Go check!!
1386
01:20:12.775 --> 01:20:13.913
Get out there!!
1387
01:20:30.025 --> 01:20:31.629
Come on!!
Move your head.
1388
01:21:00.322 --> 01:21:01.824
Pull over, pube-face.
1389
01:21:05.694 --> 01:21:08.800
We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker.
Where is he hiding?
1390
01:21:08.864 --> 01:21:09.865
Eat a dick.
1391
01:21:09.965 --> 01:21:11.171
You're gonna eat yours
if you don't start talking.
1392
01:21:11.233 --> 01:21:13.474
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.
1393
01:21:13.535 --> 01:21:16.141
There's nothing you can do that
would make me talk.
1394
01:21:16.805 --> 01:21:20.810
Look, hold on. I can't do this right now.
It's my dad's funeral.
1395
01:21:21.377 --> 01:21:23.880
Dave, your father loved you.
1396
01:21:26.148 --> 01:21:30.426
Just like my daddy loved me. And
I know it hurts, but maybe,
1397
01:21:31.086 --> 01:21:34.499
maybe that's the real meaning
of being a superhero.
1398
01:21:34.757 --> 01:21:38.364
Is taking that pain and turning
it into something good.
1399
01:21:39.428 --> 01:21:40.702
Something right.
1400
01:21:41.864 --> 01:21:43.901
Remember what you told me?
1401
01:21:44.433 --> 01:21:47.607
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
1402
01:21:49.671 --> 01:21:53.084
Now help me find some pliers. I'm
gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
1403
01:21:54.009 --> 01:21:55.215
Seriously?
1404
01:21:58.180 --> 01:21:59.716
- Hello?
- Marcus?
1405
01:21:59.848 --> 01:22:01.850
Mindy. What's going on?
Are you okay?
1406
01:22:01.917 --> 01:22:02.918
I'm fine.
1407
01:22:03.051 --> 01:22:05.190
We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.
1408
01:22:05.287 --> 01:22:07.928
He's recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.
1409
01:22:07.956 --> 01:22:09.902
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.
1410
01:22:09.958 --> 01:22:11.062
You promised me.
1411
01:22:11.193 --> 01:22:16.472
Know you see me as this little
girl, but I'm not and I never was.
1412
01:22:17.099 --> 01:22:18.271
You're right.
1413
01:22:18.367 --> 01:22:20.574
Daddy did take
my childhood away,
1414
01:22:20.636 --> 01:22:22.411
but I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.
1415
01:22:22.471 --> 01:22:24.417
Marcus, he gave me a gift,
1416
01:22:24.473 --> 01:22:26.919
a gift that I can't escape
no matter how hard I try.
1417
01:22:27.476 --> 01:22:29.752
And I don't need to spend the
next four years of my life
1418
01:22:29.812 --> 01:22:31.223
trying to figure out who I am
1419
01:22:32.281 --> 01:22:34.283
because I already know.
1420
01:22:37.085 --> 01:22:38.758
I'm Hit Girl.
1421
01:22:43.492 --> 01:22:45.995
I posted the address. Do
you think they'll show?
1422
01:22:47.095 --> 01:22:48.301
Chris has an army.
1423
01:22:48.397 --> 01:22:49.967
These real life super dweebs
1424
01:22:50.065 --> 01:22:52.409
have been waiting their whole
lives for a call like this.
1425
01:23:02.845 --> 01:23:04.153
Are you okay?
1426
01:23:04.246 --> 01:23:06.283
What? Yeah, no..
I'm fine.
1427
01:23:06.782 --> 01:23:07.852
Here.
1428
01:23:08.283 --> 01:23:09.853
Take this.
1429
01:23:10.185 --> 01:23:12.688
"Last resort"
really isn't my style.
1430
01:23:12.988 --> 01:23:17.494
Dave, this isn't a comic book. Real
people are going to die tonight.
1431
01:23:17.926 --> 01:23:20.133
My daddy was prepared
for anything.
1432
01:23:20.762 --> 01:23:22.105
Are you?
1433
01:23:27.603 --> 01:23:28.809
Yeah.
1434
01:23:30.639 --> 01:23:31.982
I am.
1435
01:23:40.349 --> 01:23:42.795
They should be back by now!!
1436
01:23:42.851 --> 01:23:43.852
It's definitely dead.
1437
01:23:43.952 --> 01:23:47.195
Says on the Internet you're supposed
to keep them in fresh water.
1438
01:23:47.289 --> 01:23:50.998
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.
1439
01:23:51.994 --> 01:23:53.974
Why are you looking at me?
1440
01:23:54.029 --> 01:23:55.804
We gotta get this shit started.
1441
01:23:56.298 --> 01:24:00.371
Oh, yeah. Have I got
a show for you bitches!!
1442
01:24:06.542 --> 01:24:09.045
Motherfucker, Motherfucker..
1443
01:24:09.511 --> 01:24:11.821
All right, party people!!
1444
01:24:12.214 --> 01:24:14.820
We are gonna
kill Kick-Ass,
1445
01:24:14.917 --> 01:24:18.660
the very first superhero,
together.
1446
01:24:18.754 --> 01:24:23.760
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces, feed that shit to MC Shark
1447
01:24:23.859 --> 01:24:27.102
and post it all over YouTube.
For real!!
1448
01:24:29.164 --> 01:24:30.108
He's kidding, right?
1449
01:24:30.198 --> 01:24:31.438
Motherfucker don't kid.
1450
01:24:31.533 --> 01:24:35.174
That's not it. I'm gonna give
each and every one of you
1451
01:24:35.270 --> 01:24:37.841
party favor fertilizer bombs!!
1452
01:24:37.940 --> 01:24:39.510
And we are gonna
get our riot on!!
1453
01:24:39.575 --> 01:24:41.521
That's what it
means to be evil.
1454
01:24:41.677 --> 01:24:44.851
We, my friends,
are the real 1%,
1455
01:24:45.013 --> 01:24:48.859
and tonight we are gonna fuck
this city up or my name is not..
1456
01:24:48.917 --> 01:24:50.954
Chris D'Amico!!
1457
01:24:52.254 --> 01:24:54.359
That is not my name!!
1458
01:24:56.725 --> 01:25:00.434
No, you're right. Your
new name's Little Bitch.
1459
01:25:04.533 --> 01:25:06.274
Oh, this is perfect.
1460
01:25:07.235 --> 01:25:09.875
Are you really that stupid?
1461
01:25:10.539 --> 01:25:15.249
There's two of you
and a whole army of us.
1462
01:25:16.311 --> 01:25:18.985
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?
1463
01:25:20.415 --> 01:25:21.723
MINDY; No.
1464
01:25:21.817 --> 01:25:24.297
That's why we
brought our friends.
1465
01:25:55.417 --> 01:25:58.261
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?
1466
01:25:58.687 --> 01:26:02.863
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.
1467
01:26:04.459 --> 01:26:07.770
You're gonna pay for
what you did to my dad.
1468
01:26:08.096 --> 01:26:12.101
Your dad? You blew up
my dad with a bazooka.
1469
01:26:18.640 --> 01:26:19.948
Oh!!
1470
01:26:45.367 --> 01:26:48.041
Are you ready to die,
little girl?
1471
01:26:48.236 --> 01:26:52.343
I might be if I have to keep looking
at that shit-stain you call a face.
1472
01:27:02.150 --> 01:27:03.151
Chris!!
1473
01:27:59.307 --> 01:28:03.050
Hold him down. I wanna see
what his guts look like.
1474
01:28:07.249 --> 01:28:08.887
That's enough from you boys!!
1475
01:28:12.888 --> 01:28:14.890
Nicely done, sweetheart.
1476
01:28:23.431 --> 01:28:24.637
That all you got?
1477
01:28:24.733 --> 01:28:27.509
No, I got my lethal
zero G device.
1478
01:28:27.602 --> 01:28:28.637
Bullshit.
1479
01:28:30.272 --> 01:28:31.512
No shit.
1480
01:28:47.689 --> 01:28:48.667
Are you okay?
1481
01:28:50.926 --> 01:28:53.600
Yeah. Thanks.
Ass Kicker.
1482
01:28:56.264 --> 01:28:57.368
Nice.
1483
01:30:04.666 --> 01:30:06.839
Jesus, you are such a pussy.
1484
01:30:07.002 --> 01:30:09.676
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?
1485
01:30:16.511 --> 01:30:18.252
We want to do good.
1486
01:30:18.380 --> 01:30:20.291
No, people want
to win the lottery.
1487
01:30:21.549 --> 01:30:24.587
People want to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.
1488
01:30:35.063 --> 01:30:38.772
You think you can kill me
with little needle?
1489
01:30:57.452 --> 01:30:59.454
That's not what it's for.
1490
01:31:03.458 --> 01:31:05.062
It's called adrenaline, bitch.
1491
01:31:07.062 --> 01:31:08.666
What was that, some cheap shot?
1492
01:31:08.763 --> 01:31:10.401
That was for the Colonel.
1493
01:31:13.768 --> 01:31:14.769
Ahh!!
1494
01:31:17.305 --> 01:31:18.306
That's for Night Bitch.
1495
01:31:26.081 --> 01:31:27.583
And that's for my dad.
1496
01:32:03.952 --> 01:32:05.863
What the hell are you doing?
1497
01:32:06.287 --> 01:32:07.789
Saving your whiny ass!!
1498
01:32:07.856 --> 01:32:08.857
No!!
1499
01:32:08.990 --> 01:32:12.460
I won't let you have this.
I'd rather die!!
1500
01:32:12.527 --> 01:32:16.634
What is wrong with you, dude? This
is not a comic book, it's real life!!
1501
01:32:16.965 --> 01:32:20.310
When you're dead, it's done.
There's no sequel.
1502
01:32:20.468 --> 01:32:25.178
You made this real. You started it!!
And I'm gonna finish ii.
1503
01:32:25.540 --> 01:32:28.885
I'll be immortal'
like an evil Jesus.
1504
01:32:39.354 --> 01:32:40.355
Wait!!
1505
01:32:52.934 --> 01:32:55.244
I'm alive.
1506
01:32:55.370 --> 01:32:56.678
Dave, I'm so sorry.
1507
01:33:05.947 --> 01:33:08.223
The feeling was indescribable.
1508
01:33:08.683 --> 01:33:10.890
Chris D'Amico, dead.
1509
01:33:12.053 --> 01:33:15.364
His wannabe supervillains,
defeated.
1510
01:33:16.891 --> 01:33:19.735
But did we make
the world a better place?
1511
01:33:20.695 --> 01:33:25.371
Or did we just finish something that
began when I first put on this mask?
1512
01:33:28.203 --> 01:33:30.205
The cops are coming.
1513
01:33:30.872 --> 01:33:32.374
They'll take
care of the bad guys.
1514
01:33:32.440 --> 01:33:35.387
We better skedaddle
before they get here.
1515
01:33:35.977 --> 01:33:36.978
We did it.
1516
01:33:37.078 --> 01:33:38.079
Fuck, yeah.
1517
01:33:38.146 --> 01:33:39.887
Hey, language.
1518
01:33:40.381 --> 01:33:44.887
You're right, if we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.
1519
01:33:45.887 --> 01:33:48.060
He'd be proud of you, Dave.
1520
01:33:48.723 --> 01:33:50.930
He'd be proud of all of us.
1521
01:33:52.827 --> 01:33:55.273
You know we can never
do this again, right?
1522
01:33:57.298 --> 01:33:58.641
It's over.
1523
01:34:02.403 --> 01:34:04.405
One last time.
Come on.
1524
01:34:08.309 --> 01:34:11.654
What do you say,
Hit Girl? Are you in?
1525
01:34:13.414 --> 01:34:15.257
Why the hell not?
1526
01:34:17.085 --> 01:34:19.087
Justice Forever!!
1527
01:34:30.798 --> 01:34:33.608
Thanks for the ride.
1528
01:34:34.102 --> 01:34:36.139
I'll see you at school.
1529
01:34:37.939 --> 01:34:40.112
I'm leaving New York, Dave.
1530
01:34:40.708 --> 01:34:44.212
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.
1531
01:34:44.445 --> 01:34:47.449
Why? He won't arrest you.
You just saved the city.
1532
01:34:47.615 --> 01:34:50.619
Yeah, well, I also killed
six guys with a cop's gun.
1533
01:34:50.718 --> 01:34:53.130
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.
1534
01:34:53.788 --> 01:34:57.395
You can't go.
People need you.
1535
01:34:58.626 --> 01:35:00.367
They've got you now.
Mindy..
1536
01:35:02.997 --> 01:35:04.533
I'm not like you.
1537
01:35:04.666 --> 01:35:08.136
You don't have to be a bad-ass
to be a superhero, Dave.
1538
01:35:10.171 --> 01:35:12.310
You just have to be brave.
1539
01:35:24.252 --> 01:35:25.356
What was that?
1540
01:35:28.556 --> 01:35:30.502
That was my first kiss.
1541
01:35:32.360 --> 01:35:35.830
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.
1542
01:35:42.770 --> 01:35:44.078
When Mindy left,
1543
01:35:44.772 --> 01:35:48.117
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.
1544
01:35:49.177 --> 01:35:51.748
Just like it had to
eventually happen,
1545
01:35:51.846 --> 01:35:54.918
that real people would
try to be superheroes.
1546
01:35:55.550 --> 01:35:58.258
Eventually it had to end, too.
1547
01:36:14.802 --> 01:36:18.614
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.
1548
01:36:18.740 --> 01:36:22.745
It's because the real
world needs real heroes.
1549
01:36:23.478 --> 01:36:26.755
And not some punk in a
wet-suit playing dress-up,
1550
01:36:27.315 --> 01:36:31.764
but a genuine bad-ass
who can really kick ass.
1551
01:42:18.332 --> 01:42:19.675
Hello?
1552
01:42:20.468 --> 01:42:22.971
Please. Don't go.
1553
01:42:23.804 --> 01:42:25.340
Don't go.
1554
01:42:26.741 --> 01:42:28.482
Is anybody there?
1555
01:42:31.646 --> 01:42:32.989
Hello?
1556
01:42:37.151 --> 01:42:39.597
Some help, please?
1557
01:42:39.754 --> 01:42:43.361
A shark bit my fucking dick off
and I can't get some water?