1
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,097
Koyaanisqatsi.
2
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:46,612
That music was very foreboding. It's
made a shiver go down my spine.
3
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,743
- That'll be the air-conditioning.
- I would've taken it off sooner
4
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,950
but I was having a fascinating
conversation with the proud father
5
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,831
of Norfolk's most
sun-tanned child.
6
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,618
Just passed his details on
to the Social Services.
7
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,334
The time is 11:59
and 55 seconds.
8
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:04,500
- It's midday.
- Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.
9
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,340
You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.
10
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,346
Mid-Morning Matters
with Alan Partridge.
11
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,721
Music and chat for the
Norfolk generation.
12
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,603
Sorry, it's the other way.
13
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,555
Later we'll be
taking dedications
14
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,441
for anyone wrongly turned
down for planning permission.
15
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,444
Which
is the worst monger?
16
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,823
Fish, iron, rumour or war?
Pretty clear, that one.
17
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,904
Now it's time for
today's large question.
18
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,820
Large question.
19
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,738
It's the near future.
20
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,330
An unprovoked chemical attack
from France, or possibly China,
21
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,586
has left us without
a sense of smell.
22
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,835
In a whiff-free world, what
smell would you miss the most?
23
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,882
- Tom in Diss?
- Petrol.
24
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,303
Nice. Wrongly referred to
by the Americans as "gas".
25
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,929
It's petrol, not gas.
26
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,761
- Dominic in Castle Acre?
- Money.
27
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,550
Yep. Joe in Holt?
28
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,639
- My wife's nightie.
- You kinky get.
29
00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:59,100
- Saucy sod.
- She died, you see.
30
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,312
- Smells matter.
- They do.
31
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,270
Hey, Greg.
32
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,861
This is a great station,
a real cracker.
33
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,943
Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um...
this is Jason Tresswell.
34
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,787
- Managing Director of...
- Goredale Media.
35
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:19,416
Our new owners, huh? I
Googled you on Yahoo.
36
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,703
That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights.
10-12.
37
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,546
Sleepy-time slot.
38
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,503
- So, are you on your way out?
- You tell me.
39
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,713
Is it true you're being taken over
by a bunch of corporate whores?
40
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:37,851
Er... Gillian, I'm 99%
certain that's not true.
41
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,104
WE'VE GOT A TEXT HERE FROM
42
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,311
An easy way to solve the
problems in Israel...
43
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,314
- A thorny issue... Would be for
Judaism and Islam to merge.
44
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,319
Wouldn't hold your breath.
45
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,230
- They both hate pigs.
- True enough.
46
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,399
You could call it Jislam.
47
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,867
I think you can go in circles, can't you,
trying to think of names for something?
48
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,868
Even er... a cat.
49
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,408
Well, nettles 'cause 'em,
dock leaves cure 'em.
50
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,703
It's a sting. It's Sting.
51
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:04,870
♪ Roxanne
52
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,256
- Sorry.
- Never, never criticise Muslims.
53
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,419
Only Christians. And
Jews a little bit.
54
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,675
Alan, it's started.
They're here.
55
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,681
We're being taken over.
56
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,774
So?
57
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,735
♪ Roxanne
58
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,690
♪ You don't have to
put on the red light
59
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,864
♪ Those days are over
60
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:40,031
♪ You don't have to sell
your body to the night
61
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,371
Hello?
62
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,089
Are you in the business centre?
63
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,963
♪ Coconut, everybody
64
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,344
♪ Like de coconut
65
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,764
♪ Coconut, coconut...
66
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,013
♪ Coconut, coconut
67
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,683
Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about
how ospreys died out in Britain
68
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,399
and had to be reintroduced from
Scandinavia in the early '90s.
69
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,067
Now I think there are
almost 500 of them.
70
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,861
Yeah. 480.
71
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,951
It shows we should treasure
and value our wildlife.
72
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,578
So, what you got, girl?
73
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,411
Well, the butchers want you
to do another voiceover.
74
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,124
"Bannan's the Butcher's.
75
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,131
Yesterday's meat at
today's prices."
76
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,672
You've had the mayor of
Hickling get in touch.
77
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,089
He listens to your show and wants to
offer you the freedom of the village.
78
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,266
- It doesn't even have a post office.
- They give you a big key.
79
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,969
- How big?
- That big.
80
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,887
- Tell him I accept.
81
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,432
Everything seems to be
chugging along nicely.
82
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,649
Everything OK, Alan?
83
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,822
Michael's just sent a text saying he
hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
84
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,490
- How does he...
- He steals it from a pub.
85
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,946
- Oh.
- That's a relief.
86
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,658
Shared a bag of salty
popcorn with him last week.
87
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,123
- ♪ Roll out the barrel!
- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.
88
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:09,879
Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty
casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.
89
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,590
Local folk trio Will-o-the-wisp
will be playing live in the studio,
90
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,670
and I'll be taking your calls on
my ever popular fireside phone-in.
91
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,258
Don't miss it.
92
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,010
OK, for those who haven't
slipped into a coma,
93
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,930
you are listening to the Breakfast Show
with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.
94
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:33,276
- How we feeling this morning, guys?
- Better than you, by the look of things.
95
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,109
- I had it large. I got on it.
- Take it easy tonight, then.
96
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,148
I would but we've got
the launch tonight.
97
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,784
North Norfolk Digital are
changing their name to...
98
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,112
- Shape.
- The Way You Want It To Be.
99
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,873
- ♪ Shape.
- The way you want it to be
100
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,120
Coming up next, Alan Partridge.
God bless him, how old is he?
101
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,209
60 or something. Got
to be, hasn't he?
102
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,998
55.
103
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,293
Alan, we love you, mate.
We love you really.
104
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,678
This one's for you
if you're listening.
105
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,972
It's Roachford.
106
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,800
♪ Cuddly Toy
107
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,771
♪ Well, I don't pour out
my heart like this to everyone
108
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,942
♪ Not anyone that I meet
109
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:25,154
♪ And I know it ain't the
wine, cos I feel just fine
110
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,155
♪ Can't you see, baby?
111
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,824
♪ I'm still on my feet
112
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,126
♪ Oh, but a cuddly toy
113
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:36,169
♪ That's my only joy waiting
for me when I get home, yeah
114
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,215
♪ And what I need
is a girl like you
115
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:43,922
♪ All I need, yeah,
to call my very own
116
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,972
♪ So you gotta feel for me,
baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
117
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,434
♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for
me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
118
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,725
♪ Girl, you gotta feel for
me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
119
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,440
♪ Oh, gimme some love
120
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,313
♪ Come on, now...
121
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,661
Your fog lamps are on.
122
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,207
Your fog lamps are on.
There's no fog.
123
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,368
There's no fog.
124
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:14,627
No fog.
125
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,754
♪ Oh, a cuddly toy
126
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,836
♪ That's my only joy
127
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,422
♪ Waiting for me when I get home
128
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,631
♪ Na-na
129
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,546
♪ And what I need
130
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,715
♪ is a girl like you
131
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,851
♪ Just to call, call my very own
132
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,480
♪ So, you gotta feel for me,
baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
133
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,313
♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for
me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
134
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,528
♪ You gotta feel for me,
baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
135
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,860
♪ Oh, gimme some love
136
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,492
Love that noise.
137
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,744
Michael, do it outside.
138
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,324
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning, Mr. Partridge.
139
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,123
- Paper.
- I was doing a fist bump.
140
00:08:56,286 --> 00:09:00,086
- You would say that now you've lost.
- It's instead of a handshake.
141
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,960
Some people say it's more
hygienic than a handshake.
142
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,800
But who's to say you can't
get shit on your fist?
143
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,341
- Did you hear him making fun of you?
- I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,
144
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,056
"There's only one thing worse
than being talked about."
145
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,312
- Cancer.
- No. "Not being talked about."
146
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,560
Oscar Wilde said that's
worse than cancer?
147
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,021
Yeah. I think he was at a party.
148
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,687
Probably just being
a gay show-off.
149
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,238
♪ Shape, Shape, Shape
150
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,370
Do you know what I really like?
I like waking up
151
00:09:25,383 --> 00:09:27,367
in the morning, breathing
in the air and er...
152
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,904
actually realising I've made it through
the night and I haven't wet the bed.
153
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,244
No, I am joking,
obviously, but er...
154
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:37,912
they were, of course, very,
very dark days indeed.
155
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,421
But they're all behind me now.
156
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,957
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Alan.
157
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,342
Alan Partridge has just
walked into the building.
158
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,720
Walking and talking,
like The West Wing.
159
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,673
- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!
- Mr. President, we have a code red.
160
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,763
- I've never seen the show.
- No, me neither.
161
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,520
Corner coming up.
162
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,148
You never know what's
round the corner.
163
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,272
More corners, usually.
164
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,730
Imagine a world without corners.
165
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:10,281
No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone
would be going round in circles.
166
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,583
Wow.
167
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,503
I enjoyed that.
168
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,756
I will tell you one thing.
169
00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,666
When I was going
through my bad times,
170
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:29,839
I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe
not the place to be and...
171
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,387
just because it's so flat and
there was a sort of a...
172
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,349
a bleakness about the
place, but obviously now...
173
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,980
You're a good broadcaster, Alan.
Don't forget that.
174
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,228
- I wasn't planning to, Pat.
- You seen this memo?
175
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,519
"Exciting new phase.
Here's to the future."
176
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,359
- My days are numbered.
- No-one's getting sacked.
177
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,432
It's like Bobby Brushes,
the caretaker, when
178
00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,367
the swimming pool
allegations came out.
179
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,614
- He was in bits.
- Yeah.
180
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,622
It turned out he was just helping those
lads towel off. He was being nice.
181
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,416
- He didn't even know them.
- Yeah, but where is he now?
182
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,454
- He runs his own business.
- There. He's back on his feet.
183
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,337
Rents out bouncy castles.
184
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,214
For adults, yeah?
185
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,343
- Look at this memo.
- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.
186
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,471
Goredale Media are simply
re-imagining our core brand values
187
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,475
and giving it a name more fitting
to multi-platform content delivery.
188
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,098
- They're people people.
- People people sack people.
189
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:21,435
No, Pat. People sack people.
People people please people.
190
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,817
- Can you have a word with them, Alan?
- Would you?
191
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,521
Er... sure. As soon as I can get
them all in the same room together.
192
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,531
- They're all up in the boardroom now.
- That's great.
193
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,988
Thank you. Thank you, Alan.
You're a pal.
194
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,370
Well, pals is pals.
195
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,376
If we're all looking at the last quarterly
figures for North Norfolk on page 6.
196
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,832
Then if you turn to page 5.
197
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:49,134
Hi, guys, don't want to be an
agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa?
198
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,088
- It's not a good time, Alan.
- It's fine, we've time. Come in.
199
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,596
Oh, we moved the other thing.
Yeah, it's a good time.
200
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,305
Alan. Alan Partridge.
201
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,603
Jason Tresswell, MD
of Goredale Media.
202
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,107
It's not "Alan Alan Partridge".
It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".
203
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,063
I know some people
do have two names.
204
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,103
Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.
205
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,021
Duran Duran.
206
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,986
Yeah, that's not as good.
207
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,947
Um... Kris Kristofferson.
208
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,162
Excellent small talk.
Gentlemen, to business.
209
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,867
I am here as one of the more
senior D-jocks at this station.
210
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,831
I'm here to talk about jobs.
211
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,460
Like a Nazi officer
this, isn't it?
212
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,541
Should er... snap
my heels together.
213
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,296
- Achtung!
- Guten Tag.
214
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,257
Silence! Sorry. I
meant to miss you.
215
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,513
I want you to do
something for me.
216
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:41,015
I want you to take all your prejudices,
put them in a box marked "prejudices",
217
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,143
put it to one side, wipe the
prejudice juice off your hands...
218
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,226
Can I just stop you there? Change
is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
219
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,690
I'm not scared of anything.
Not even an elephant,
220
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,605
which is interesting, because
there's one in this room.
221
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,566
- Wanna know his name?
- Pat Farrell.
222
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,360
It's Pat Farrell. Pat's
audience is old.
223
00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,701
Old people, much like
dogs, are blindly loyal.
224
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,537
And if Pat hi-tails it to
Cedar FM and they follow,
225
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,920
you've got a grey exodus on your hands.
A grexodus.
226
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:12,050
Hm. That prejudices box doesn't seem
quite so cool any more, does it?
227
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,757
Yeah, but we bought
Cedar FM as well.
228
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,263
I didn't know that. I
did not know that.
229
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,024
- The point is...
- You were talking about Pat Farrell.
230
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,693
Pat Farrell is a great guy.
231
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:34,698
He's always the first to
speak up at union meetings,
232
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,488
being a member of a union.
233
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:43,040
He's also Irish, which again, weirdly,
a plus point, if you like swearing.
234
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,950
"Feckin'
dis" and "Feckin' dat".
235
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,711
Some Irish people say “Feck
off" isn't as bad as "Fuck off"
236
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,713
but I think that's
bullshit or bellshit.
237
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,092
- The bottom line is, he swears too much.
- This is all very interesting...
238
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,093
I can sum up Pat
Farrell in ten words.
239
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,927
Pat isn't very good so let
him go, guys, seriously.
240
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,550
I can condense that
to three words.
241
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,309
Just sack Pat.
242
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,194
That completes my presentation.
243
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,531
Gentlemen, I'll leave
you to your biscuits.
244
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,497
Gloves.
245
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,161
Oh, fuck.
246
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,666
Glove.
247
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,213
♪ Shape
248
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,966
♪ The way you want it to be
249
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:39,922
Ahh! That was soft rock cocaine
enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.
250
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,182
And this was
Mid-Morning Matters.
251
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,725
Where once again,
252
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,931
- mid-morning... mattered.
- Mattered.
253
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,472
Supposed to do it in sync.
254
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,273
- Always leave a gap.
- Sorry.
255
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,809
Simple. Very simple.
256
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,984
- You're listening to Shape.
- The Way You Want It To Be.
257
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,283
Mm-hm. Right. And
will it take long?
258
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,834
It will take long. OK. Hi, Pat.
I'll catch you later.
259
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,045
I'm not happy about it, but...
260
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,083
I'll have to go along with it, won't I?
261
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:22,723
The... The problem is that the phone
rings even when I'm speaking on it,
262
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,848
so it sounds bloody weird.
263
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:30,021
In fact, I think it just did it then.
Did you hear it? Yes?
264
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,273
Yeah. He heard it too.
265
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:35,068
OK, well, I'll
leave it with you.
266
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,194
Mm-hm. Yep.
267
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,730
Yep.
268
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,694
All right. Thanks, Susan.
269
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,328
If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that
phone, there'll be hell to pay.
270
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,582
They wouldn't even let me say
goodbye to my listeners.
271
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,243
Just gave me 30 minutes
to clear out my locker.
272
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,955
Well, at least I'm getting
their mugs dirty.
273
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,208
Thanks, Alan. You
always stuck up for me.
274
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,297
Not like the others.
275
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,339
Well, I'll let you get back to...
Geoff.
276
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,802
- Who's Geoff?
- Geoff Susan.
277
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,512
Oh, yes, of course.
278
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,393
Ahh...
279
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,320
I did the right thing,
didn't I, Lynn?
280
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,195
I mean, I think he knew
his days were numbered.
281
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,325
More of an assisted
suicide really.
282
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,740
I just flew him to Switzerland and
filled out a few forms and...
283
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,454
...sloped off to the airport.
284
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,502
I've got to be honest, Lynn,
I'm feeling pretty crummy.
285
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,960
Pat's Irish, isn't he?
286
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,669
To be sure.
287
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,585
Why don't you donate
£50 to Sinn Fein?
288
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,470
Perfect.
289
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,135
Love that noise.
290
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,016
Keep me away from
the sausage rolls.
291
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,722
I'm wearing my chubby
clothes again.
292
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,975
- I noticed.
- What the chub, or the clothes?
293
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,764
- 'Dad.
- ' MS"Dad.
294
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,849
Not that funny, Lynn.
295
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,935
- ♪ Calvin Harris feat.
- Bounce
296
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,361
- I used to go with prostitutes.
- Brilliant.
297
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,323
Cocaine - that was a trigger.
Cocaine, prostitutes.
298
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,327
Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er...
luminous green bile.
299
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,083
Yeah, I was withdrawing.
300
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995
I've got my minder with me.
301
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,038
- Lynn?
- She might not seem tough
302
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,583
but I once saw her stamp on
50 cockroaches in a minute.
303
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,467
He didn't see. He was
in the next room.
304
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,503
- It was in Wales.
- It's true, yeah.
305
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,594
All I could hear was crunch, crunch,
crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.
306
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,851
I thought she was country
dancing whilst eating cereal.
307
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,013
I thought it was the End of Days.
They were legion.
308
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,601
Lynn likes The Bible.
309
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,604
I've never understood moths.
310
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,394
They only come out at night, yet
they're attracted to light.
311
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,802
I don't know why they just
don't come out during the day.
312
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,657
I've nothing to add to that.
If you substituted butterfly...
313
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,739
Could you go and get
me some sausage rolls?
314
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:52,826
If you substituted butterfly for moth, I
think it would sound like poetry, yeah.
315
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,787
Unfortunately,
Wordsworth didn't say:
316
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,795
"I wandered lonely as a moth to
eat some jumpers in a drawer."
317
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:03,211
"As if that wasn't bad enough,
it ate my sock upon the moor."
318
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,266
Yeah. It's just... I don't know
why a sock could be on the moor.
319
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,393
A mitten, maybe.
320
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,896
I actually spewed up some
of my stomach lining.
321
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,103
I don't know if you've ever done er...
done any horse, have you?
322
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,940
- I've ridden a donkey.
- No, no, no, I mean heroin.
323
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,525
I know what you mean. No,
I've not done heroin.
324
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,532
- I don't like subtitles in my films.
- If you can read, read a book.
325
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,240
Citizen Kane. Black and white.
I haven't seen that.
326
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:34,656
I tell you what, the best film for
me, ever, is still The Godfather.
327
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,916
- Ah, amazing film.
- Perfect film.
328
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,543
"I'm gonna make him an
offer he can't refuse.“."
329
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,545
- Amazing acting, though.
- Great acting.
330
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,001
I tell you what's even better
331
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:46,714
a lot of people are shocked when
I say this - the camera angles.
332
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,719
- Alan, I need a word.
- Camera angles?
333
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,263
It's rather delicate.
334
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,517
Remember when you took me for that
Christmas meal at the ice rink?
335
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,973
You remember that woman
disinfecting the boots?
336
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,313
The one that took
a shine to you?
337
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,600
I went home and you and her...
338
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,727
Well, it's... none
of my business.
339
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:08,148
It is none of your business, but for
the record, went back to her place,
340
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,818
watched Air Crash Investigation, then
I fell asleep in her big armchair.
341
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,406
A perfectly normal woman.
342
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,162
Well, she's here.
343
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,369
Lynn, get rid of her.
She's a drunk racist.
344
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,121
- I'll tolerate one, but not both.
- Fine.
345
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,541
But you said I could
pop by any time.
346
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,956
I know, but my career's
hanging by a thread.
347
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,295
- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?
- No, no.
348
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,923
You just wanted
sex, you used me.
349
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,679
Well, maybe you used me.
350
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,932
I-I didn't have much of a say
over what went on that night.
351
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,602
Didn't hear you complaining.
352
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,271
- I couldn't speak.
- See you round mine again, then.
353
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:41,976
I... don't know, I'm... I'm...
354
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:46,357
- What's wrong with my place?
- Well... all those dogs barking.
355
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,192
But it's their bedroom too.
356
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,490
May I have a word?
357
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,538
You're talking clap...
crap!
358
00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,496
I sound like a fucking
Chinky when I'm pissed!
359
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,548
There we go. All done.
360
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,169
- What did you say to her?
- I told her that God loves everyone.
361
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,629
Even sluts.
362
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,015
- Good night, Lynn.
- Night, Alan.
363
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,160
Hello?
364
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,287
V funny. Tee-hee.
365
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,706
Very impressive.
366
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,215
Oh, they must have left in a hurry.
Something weird's happened.
367
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:04,977
All right, you freaked me out, so just...
pack it...
368
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,356
There you are!
369
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,983
Pat? Agh!
370
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,609
I'm down.
371
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,497
You...
372
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,788
You step to me?
373
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,420
Simon.
374
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,175
Er...
375
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:35,336
Yeah, all right. I'll
go on without you.
376
00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:53,237
Stop! Stop! Stop!
377
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,819
- I need to commandeer this vehicle.
- What?
378
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,824
- There's a mad man with a gun.
- Um...
379
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,077
- He's Irish!
- Get in.
380
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:05,329
Why do you sit so close to the wheel?
I could steer with my balls!
381
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,745
- Where's the nearest police station?
- Just here.
382
00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,789
Oh... thanks.
383
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,050
Are you Alan Partrid...?
384
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,676
Assault, battery, kidnap,
chronic thuggery,
385
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,430
brandishment, actual bodily
harm, grievous bodily harm...
386
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:25,887
- ..harm.
- Just stick to what you saw
387
00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:28,393
and we'll decide if
it's ABH or GBH.
388
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:30,729
- You mean aitch?
- That's what I said.
389
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,518
Nearly, you said haitch.
390
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,685
"Ha" is the sound of the
letter, aitch is its name.
391
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,864
One is ha, the other is aitch.
Neither is "haitch".
392
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,902
- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
- Mr. Partridge?
393
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,319
- Something else we need to talk about.
- Oh...
394
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,579
- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, fine.
395
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,084
I've never been in a
police car before.
396
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,336
May I lower the window, please?
397
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,090
Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha
Papa arriving at the school building.
398
00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:00,971
- Officer.
- Mr. Partridge.
399
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:04,009
- You were at the police station.
- I was just in the car with you.
400
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,222
- If you want to follow me, please.
- Huh.
401
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,479
- This way, please, sir.
- Yep.
402
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,391
Let's do it.
403
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:18,314
Mr. Partridge, this is the Gold
Commander of the operation.
404
00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:22,326
- Seriously, is that what you're called?
- On this operation, yes.
405
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:24,403
I'm Acting Chief Constable
Janet Whitehead.
406
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,286
- An honour.
- And I'm Martin Fitch.
407
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:29,284
Send.
408
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,999
From Scotland Yard's
Hostage and Crisis Unit.
409
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,004
Here to lead the negotiation.
410
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,257
Er... little bit awkward.
Who's in charge?
411
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,964
Make no mistake, this
lady is in charge.
412
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:43,423
So here's the situation. Pat is
refusing to speak to us directly.
413
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:47,560
He's willing to give us three hostages but
only if he can talk to us through you.
414
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:50,044
Now, we need to know why
Pat has done this so
415
00:23:50,057 --> 00:23:52,394
we can draw things to a
peaceful conclusion.
416
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,354
Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him.
Deal.
417
00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:56,610
Sorry, wrong person.
418
00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:58,609
Come here.
419
00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:04,531
OK. Now, are you
on any medication?
420
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,695
Er... Just some cream.
421
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,742
I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but
that's the only thing about me that is.
422
00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:14,003
Do you suffer from any nervous
conditions, such as panic attacks?
423
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,255
Do I look like I suffer
from panic attacks?
424
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,542
I've had one panic
attack in a car wash.
425
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,837
It was a perfect storm
of no sleep, no wife,
426
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,673
and angry brushes
whirring towards me.
427
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,768
By the time the giant hair dryer
came on, I was in the footwell.
428
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,435
Does the idea of
weaponry trouble you?
429
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:38,228
Er... no. I've fired several rifles,
at fun fairs, and won prizes.
430
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:41,364
But I've never fired one
in anger, or at a cat.
431
00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,571
We'll have you fully briefed
by the tactical firearms team.
432
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,700
Cool.
433
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:48,362
We'll keep in regular phone
contact with you when you go in.
434
00:24:48,529 --> 00:24:50,122
Very cool. Sorry, go in?
435
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,749
- What, into the building?
- Mm-hm.
436
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,412
- To speak to Pat in person?
- Yes, is that not what you...
437
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,711
- Erm...
- Everything OK?
438
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,553
I'm just a little nervous about going
into a car wash... er... siege.
439
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,427
So what do you say, Al?
Will you help us?
440
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,103
Yep.
441
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:21,066
Guys, none of us choose
the hand we're dealt...
442
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,483
- You know...
- We do need an answer, I'm afraid.
443
00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:27,284
Do you have another
siege to go to?
444
00:25:27,443 --> 00:25:30,204
It's my understanding that if you say
yes, you're allowed a few words.
445
00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,577
- So you are saying yes?
- I was leaving that to the end.
446
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,367
- If you'd like to come with me.
- Sure.
447
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,535
Can I get a copy of that?
448
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:39,296
- Let's keep this simple, shall we?
- Roger, that.
449
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,207
- No heroics.
- Ten-four, good buddy.
450
00:25:41,415 --> 00:25:43,417
Do not physically engage him.
451
00:25:43,584 --> 00:25:46,053
- Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah?
- Where do you read that?
452
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,179
Big fans of you guys in TFU.
453
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:50,887
If I had my way, all police
officers would carry firearms.
454
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,929
I think that firearms should remain
in the hands of specialists.
455
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:57,314
I was going to say that only specialists
should be allowed to fire them.
456
00:25:57,473 --> 00:26:00,192
If you think I've just made that
up, you can call my assistant.
457
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:02,523
Alan! Read my lips.
458
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,939
If you jeopardize the
safety of any of my men,
459
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:08,450
or any of those hostages because
you've not been listening to me,
460
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:12,239
I will take off this police uniform
and I will make you pay for it.
461
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,749
You want me to buy your
police uniform off you?
462
00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:18,536
No. I'll give you a fucking
good hiding, is that clear?
463
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,579
Yes, that's clear. Yes.
That's clear.
464
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,840
You're close to me.
465
00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:26,339
Now, you're a smart bloke,
I know you can handle it.
466
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,675
- I know you won't disappoint me.
- I won't.
467
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:31,636
I aim to please you, and I...
I hope to impress you.
468
00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:34,469
- Good man.
- Yeah, you're a good man too.
469
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,225
Right, well, Dom
will fill you in.
470
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,528
He has to say all that
shit for the insurance.
471
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,405
- Right.
- Tell me this much, mate.
472
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,942
- What's your favourite siege?
- Iranian Embassy.
473
00:26:50,109 --> 00:26:51,235
Same. Why?
474
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:53,002
They used the sound
of a pneumatic drill
475
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:56,332
to disguise the noise of them removing
bricks from a neighbouring wall.
476
00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:59,285
- So they could smash through and...
- Take them out the game.
477
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,545
It's just a great siege.
478
00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:03,789
Right.
479
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:06,709
Do you want to see my gun?
480
00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:09,178
Does erm... Yes, please.
481
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,474
Let's clock the Glock.
482
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,803
You'll have to move
quicker than that.
483
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,723
- Any last messages for your kids?
- Oh... Er...
484
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,607
No, they don't speak
to me any more.
485
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:24,689
Yeah, "Why don't you
speak to me any more?"
486
00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:26,399
I wouldn't know the
answer, would I?
487
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,442
So just um... just...
tell them I love them.
488
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:40,910
Pat, Alan's coming in now.
489
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:57,472
- Greg!
- Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.
490
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:01,559
- They let you go as well?
- I'm relieved to be getting out of there.
491
00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:04,191
- Aren't there still women in there?
- Yeah, well...
492
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:07,770
I think it would be a bit sexist
to let all the women go out first.
493
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,234
Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.
494
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:11,944
Thanks.
495
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,493
Pat?
496
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,243
Pat?
497
00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:24,290
Pat?
498
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,597
- Prepare to die.
- I'm not ready to!
499
00:28:36,215 --> 00:28:38,183
Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.
500
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,344
It's me - Pat.
501
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,602
God, you...
502
00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:45,187
I just thought a little jokey costume
would, you know, put you at ease,
503
00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:48,353
- give you a giggle.
- Well... mission accomplished.
504
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,570
Oh, God.
505
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,697
- It's great to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
506
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,700
I bought you some cake, not
that you deserve it after that.
507
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,237
I should just crush it in my hand.
Oh, I already have.
508
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:01,327
- How the devil are you?
- Yeah, not bad, not bad.
509
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:02,912
How are you feeling?
510
00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:04,748
- Great!
- Good.
511
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:07,296
Oh, er... the police told
me to bring you this.
512
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,127
It's just a standard
field phone,
513
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:12,509
should you feel the inclination to
communicate with ze authorities.
514
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,138
Good thing about these things, they're
immune to the problems and glitches
515
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,390
you get with satellite phones.
516
00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:21,427
But, like I say, it's
just an option, really.
517
00:29:21,635 --> 00:29:27,108
I just realised, when you asked me
now how I was feeling, you meant...
518
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,268
Yes, I did.
519
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:33,280
- Does this answer your question?
- Yes, it does.
520
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,532
Oh, hello. Didn't
see you there.
521
00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,693
Someone's been in the wars.
522
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,157
- That's just Simon.
- Can he breathe through that?
523
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,197
Of course. It's just
like wearing a mask.
524
00:29:42,364 --> 00:29:45,163
At least when someone puts you in
a mask, you've got a safe word,
525
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,373
like "airbag", or "crayfish".
526
00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,752
What's the er... That thing?
527
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,550
Oh, we made that.
It's a head holster.
528
00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:57,430
- Never heard of one of those.
- Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?
529
00:29:57,754 --> 00:29:59,848
You insert the shotgun.
530
00:30:00,382 --> 00:30:02,350
Place on stand. And... voilá.
531
00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:04,978
Hands free. I can move around
the studio, do anything I want.
532
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,266
And if something happens...
I don't even have to look.
533
00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,814
Boom. Hit the target.
534
00:30:10,976 --> 00:30:13,195
Yeah... well, you don't
need an accomplice.
535
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,321
Well, I've got you now.
536
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,982
Yeah.
537
00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,827
Thank you.
538
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,328
So you're with the police now?
539
00:30:27,743 --> 00:30:29,745
Oh, this... no,
this is just...
540
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:31,879
I think it's Velcro.
There you go.
541
00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:33,586
Feck the police.
542
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,339
I think they thought that if
they did take a pot shot at you
543
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,174
it's a siege, you've got a gun
544
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,510
that the bullet might pass
through you and hit me.
545
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,925
Unless they use dum-dums, which
explode inside the body.
546
00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:46,262
I said, do not use dum-dums on
Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.
547
00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:49,227
Just use a high-velocity round
that passes through his body
548
00:30:49,431 --> 00:30:50,933
because he's a friend of mine.
549
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,943
And I suppose if I want to shoot
you, I can always aim for the head.
550
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,479
Exactly. Exactly.
551
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,940
Um... I don't even know
why I'm wearing it.
552
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,363
- So take it off.
- I'll happily take it off.
553
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:01,697
Go on, then.
554
00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:04,302
- If you want me to, I'll take it off.
- Fucking take it off!
555
00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:06,949
Oh, Pat, now you're making
me want to wear it.
556
00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,080
This is not my bag.
557
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,877
I'm-I'm-I'm... a disc jockey.
558
00:31:11,036 --> 00:31:13,004
I'm sorry you got the sack.
559
00:31:13,163 --> 00:31:17,418
I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in
bed watching funny videos on YouTube.
560
00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,429
"Sneezing panda" or
"Charlie bit my finger".
561
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:24,558
Have you seen "Fat woman
falls down the hole"?
562
00:31:28,929 --> 00:31:30,647
- That's hilarious. Isn't it?
- Yeah.
563
00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:32,774
I've seen it before, but, yeah.
564
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:37,029
That... That should be fenced off
really, but erm... I'm glad it wasn't.
565
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,026
Great.
566
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:42,151
Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to
ask, where are the hostages?
567
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,069
In there.
568
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:48,624
Oh, my God!
569
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,869
That's like some son of zoo
from Planet Of The Apes.
570
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,539
Danny looks a bit... bruised.
571
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,749
I lost my temper a
couple of times.
572
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,669
- Three times.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.
573
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:02,887
Go and say hello.
574
00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,890
- Give him a slap yourself, if you want.
- Oh, no...
575
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:09,761
No, I'll just...
I'll just say hello.
576
00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,395
- Alan...
- Look, do the police know we're here?
577
00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,184
Alan! What the hell's going on?
578
00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,025
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
579
00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,278
Cool it with the cross-talk,
you're professional broadcasters.
580
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:25,069
- I'm not, I'm a writer.
- We'll get through this with each other.
581
00:32:25,235 --> 00:32:27,038
I want everyone to shake
hands with everyone else.
582
00:32:27,051 --> 00:32:28,865
Now! Whether you want to or not.
583
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,907
This is ridiculous.
584
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:32,701
Ow.
585
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:34,911
Hello, er... Connor.
586
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:39,257
- Paper.
- Hi.
587
00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:42,420
OK. Pat will not communicate
directly with the police.
588
00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,634
Only through me.
589
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,141
So as of now, I am bullhorn.
590
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,803
- But I think we're gonna be OK.
- OK? He hit me!
591
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,644
Let's not get into who hit who or,
you know, who may have deserved it.
592
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,854
You need to keep him away from me.
Understand?
593
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,735
What I need to do, Danny,
594
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,108
in conjunction with Jason,
is crisis management.
595
00:33:01,271 --> 00:33:03,432
I'm sure he'll agree there
has been plenty of crisis...
596
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:06,239
- But no management.
- Cowabunga. Walk with me.
597
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,455
Alan, you do realise you're
in the box seat here?
598
00:33:10,614 --> 00:33:12,036
You've got the guy's confidence.
599
00:33:12,199 --> 00:33:13,291
Yeah. I don't know why.
600
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,712
I go for a curry with him once a year,
and even then I don't have a starter.
601
00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,122
Trouble is, he does.
602
00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:20,256
All I need to know is
can you handle it?
603
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,792
Well, er...
604
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,586
Would you ask that of a man
who'd gone paint-balling,
605
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:27,927
realised he'd left his goggles at
reception but carried on anyway?
606
00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:29,678
- Why?
- You're looking at him.
607
00:33:29,925 --> 00:33:31,848
OK, guys, quick wa-wa.
608
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,513
Just had a pow-wow with
Jase, upshot is...
609
00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,274
I'm gonna be his right-hand
man on this one.
610
00:33:37,474 --> 00:33:40,273
He'll be um... my left-hand man.
611
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,771
- Er...
- Sorry.
612
00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:45,657
The point is, Pat
has not gone mad.
613
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,701
He has a grievance. He
needs some son of outlet.
614
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:55,084
This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll
Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.
615
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,627
OK. Pat may have...
may have gone mad.
616
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,834
He may have gone mad.
617
00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:03,672
And now we have a text from
Cynthia in Holt, who writes,
618
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,551
Dear Pat, we are sending
you a bottle...
619
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,972
- Ma'am, you'd better listen to this.
- ..Of our homemade plum Brandy.
620
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,098
We use it to make
Brandy butter...
621
00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:14,683
- Why am I listening to shit radio?
- That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.
622
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,437
He's broadcasting
from the siege.
623
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,019
Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait.
624
00:34:19,224 --> 00:34:21,943
Can you gently remind Pat
that we had an agreement?
625
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:24,070
You are there to
communicate with us.
626
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:27,733
Listen, I don't know what it says
in your police operation manual...
627
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,618
- ..or in Psycho-babble Weekly.
- Penguin Book of Sieges.
628
00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:32,742
...or The Penguin
Book of Sieges,
629
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:35,995
...but out here in the field,
it's plenty different.
630
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:41,209
I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe
to grind, and he say, "No speaky."
631
00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:44,375
I would really like to establish
a dialogue here, Alan.
632
00:34:44,541 --> 00:34:47,715
A simple tri-lateral exchange, from
Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.
633
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,847
- Do you understand?
- No more interruptions or else!
634
00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:53,680
You think I don't have balls?
I've got plenty of balls!
635
00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:56,311
I've got balls coming
out of my arse!
636
00:34:58,430 --> 00:35:00,853
- Er... did you hear that?
- Yes.
637
00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:04,270
Well, that's... that's the
end of the call. Bye.
638
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,197
You are listening to
North Norfolk Digital.
639
00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,863
Shape.
640
00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:12,744
The Way You Want It To Be.
641
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,280
The way
you want it to be.
642
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,166
- Where are all my jingles?
- Jason wanted them deleted.
643
00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,645
- He won't have deleted them all.
- He did delete them all.
644
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:22,458
- He did delete them all, Pat.
- What?
645
00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:25,215
- It was jingle genocide.
- That's not helping, Simon.
646
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:28,297
The bastard. Alan,
take over for me.
647
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,550
- No.
- I'm gonna straighten him out.
648
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,475
Oh, and... keep it light.
649
00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:38,144
Right, um... OK.
650
00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,726
You're listening to the
Pat and Alan Show.
651
00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:43,184
- Mainly Pat.
- You, Jason. Yeah, you.
652
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:46,024
We'll be asking...
w-what time...
653
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:52,902
...does Mike paper slider
switch to... to...
654
00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:56,914
to mouse his chocolate cups?
655
00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:59,291
- It doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make sense
656
00:35:59,491 --> 00:36:04,247
but if you can rearrange to make
sense then you could win... bins...
657
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,335
and win...
658
00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:07,499
...and windows.
659
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:10,886
- Alan, help me!
- So that's our win a bin and window,
660
00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:13,839
re-arrange the sentence,
keep it light, competition.
661
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,508
Oh, shit.
662
00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:19,136
This is the theme
from Ski Sunday.
663
00:36:19,344 --> 00:36:20,846
Sorry for swearing.
664
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,106
♪ Theme tune
665
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:29,271
I've put up with shits like
you for most of my life...
666
00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:39,660
One hour.
667
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:44,077
And if that jingle isn't word
for word what I just said,
668
00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:48,715
I am going to shoot you in the feet,
then the knees, then the hands.
669
00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:53,216
And basically anything you've
got two of, like your face.
670
00:36:54,254 --> 00:36:56,177
Oh, yeah. Two-faced.
671
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,387
One hour.
672
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:05,850
One hour? This is impossible.
I'm gonna fucking die.
673
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,767
What are we gonna do?
674
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:09,902
You can't do a top-quality
jingle in an hour.
675
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:13,065
We can do this. Let me
tell you a story, um...
676
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:16,610
Back in the day, I was MC-ing a
conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.
677
00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:19,321
Some of the marketing
guys were doing karaoke.
678
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:22,161
I didn't join in, I tended
to shun Japanese culture.
679
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,667
This was the mid-90s,
it was more acceptable.
680
00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:27,921
But high on a cocktail of champagne
and cheap Fosters lager,
681
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,002
I lunged at the microphone.
682
00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:32,418
A few minutes later, I
was making grown men cry
683
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:35,554
with my rendition of Summer
Of '69 by Bryan Adams.
684
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,594
Thing is, I twisted the
lyrics to the Summer Of '29,
685
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:42,098
evoking memories of the Wall Street
Crash and German hyperinflation.
686
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,106
- Remember, these guys were in sales.
- Alan, where are you going with this?
687
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,608
The point is, he didn't think
he was any good at singing,
688
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,610
and it turns out
he was quite good.
689
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,067
- Yeah, that.
- And that if you really, really try
690
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,697
- you can do anything.
- And that.
691
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:57,405
I don't care! I'm
going to fucking die!
692
00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:01,034
Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your
head, shoulders, knees and toes.
693
00:38:01,196 --> 00:38:04,325
- Knees and toes.
- OK, man up, musos.
694
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:06,994
- I played synth in a jazz funk band.
- Great, who else?
695
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,128
I used to be the
drummer in Marillion.
696
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,381
Really? There's no time for that.
697
00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:14,133
- But wow and great.
- What are you gonna do first?
698
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:20,385
I'm gonna lay down
a rhythm track.
699
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,315
Oh.
700
00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,148
Lynn Benfield?
701
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,154
- I am she.
- Do you know Mr. Alan Partridge?
702
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,690
OK.
703
00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,574
He wasn't stealing crisps.
704
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,031
He just gets flustered at
self-service checkouts
705
00:38:41,194 --> 00:38:43,822
- and takes things without scanning them.
- Miss Benfield...
706
00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:47,913
He doesn't like being told to put things
in bagging areas by automated women.
707
00:38:48,076 --> 00:38:50,670
No, Miss Benfield, we're here
because Mr. Partridge is
708
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,668
currently involved
in an armed siege.
709
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,758
- Oh.
- We're informing you as his next of kin.
710
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,175
Take me to him.
711
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,601
♪ Pat Farrell had a
loyal following in
712
00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:08,517
♪ The local community
713
00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:11,646
♪ But Goredale Media
fucked him over
714
00:39:11,808 --> 00:39:14,903
♪ Cos they don't
care about loyalty
715
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,106
♪ The only things they
give a shit about
716
00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:20,947
♪ Is the profit margins
717
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,200
♪ And if they don't
re-instate him
718
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,206
♪ He'll take it out
on the hostages
719
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:29,785
♪ Even the ones with kids
720
00:39:29,951 --> 00:39:32,921
♪ Better get yourself
some body bags
721
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,050
That was beautiful.
722
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,428
- Could you make me some more?
- Ooh. Er...
723
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,264
- Definitely!
- Yes, maybe.
724
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,563
Local folk trio Will'o-the-wisp
won't be coming in now.
725
00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:54,352
Apparently, there are road closures
in Norwich due to a major police...
726
00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:56,937
Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.
727
00:39:57,103 --> 00:40:00,152
We're speaking to anyone who can help
us build a picture of Pat Farrell.
728
00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,908
- You said you know him?
- Ah, well...
729
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,615
I made three cakes for
him over the last year.
730
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:07,705
But there was nothing in them that
would have led him to do this.
731
00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:09,439
They were very plain.
732
00:40:09,452 --> 00:40:11,212
That's not one of our
lines of investigation.
733
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,244
Just tell us what
you know about Pat.
734
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,039
Irish. Shock of
brown, curly hair.
735
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:20,176
He's a strong man, with strong
arms and a good walk. Moves well.
736
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,761
- That's very helpful, Lynn.
- Oh.
737
00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,923
- Thank you.
- Now, how about some coffee?
738
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,057
Oh, of course. How
do you take it?
739
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,436
No, no, we'll get it for you.
Just sit there, I'll be back.
740
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,267
Oh...
741
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,432
Wichita Lineman
742
00:40:38,311 --> 00:40:40,484
I hate all this shit.
Telling us how to speak.
743
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:43,116
They think they're giving us
an identity but they're...
744
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:44,867
Turning us into nobodies.
745
00:40:45,026 --> 00:40:47,154
We're just unit-shifters
for the money men.
746
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,197
Sounds quite good.
747
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:56,921
Alan, did you ever imagine what
life would be like in your 50s?
748
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,879
I had hopes and dreams.
I think we all did.
749
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:02,635
Penny for them.
750
00:41:02,794 --> 00:41:05,217
Keep the penny,
you've got a gun.
751
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:08,975
But, yeah, I used to dream that one
day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover
752
00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,976
towing a speed boat.
753
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,309
I used to dream about growing
old with someone I love.
754
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,982
Hm. Both valid.
755
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,235
It's not gonna
happen now, is it?
756
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:26,864
I miss my Molly so much.
757
00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:32,999
- Who's this chap?
- That's Molly.
758
00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,376
Yes, of course.
759
00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,624
She's got such... brown hair.
760
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:46,884
A year after that was
taken, the angels took her.
761
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,551
Must have been a few of them.
762
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:54,642
Now I've nobody. No wife.
763
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,440
No family. No kids.
764
00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,735
I've gotta say, Pat, kids
don't make you happy.
765
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:08,151
Some of the unhappiest times of
my life have been with my kids.
766
00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:10,365
I remember...
767
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,407
a holiday on the
beach in Prestatyn.
768
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:18,287
The kids came over to me and
said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me,"
769
00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,547
and... you know...
770
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,918
I followed them about 200
yards across the sand dunes.
771
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:28,008
When I got there, finally, all
they'd done was dug a big hole.
772
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,390
Miserable.
773
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,604
Sounds lovely.
774
00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:47,278
♪ And the Wichita lineman
775
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:54,289
♪ Is still on the line
776
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:03,039
Go-o-o-od morning!
777
00:43:03,206 --> 00:43:05,129
Crayfish!
778
00:43:06,918 --> 00:43:08,420
I feel absolutely great.
779
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:11,715
There's a lot to be said for a
good sleep and a hot shower.
780
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:13,799
Yeah.
781
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,686
Sleep well, Alan?
782
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,314
Er... yes, thank you.
783
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,559
As the Shape siege enters
its first morning,
784
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,272
police are refusing to confirm
785
00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,571
the number or identities
of the hostages
786
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,402
still being held at gunpoint
787
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:30,404
by sacked DJ, Pat Farrell.
788
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:32,201
Fellow DJ Alan Partridge
789
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,737
is in contact with the police
790
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,201
who are now set up at
the school behind me.
791
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:38,366
What would you like
us to play, Iris?
792
00:43:38,533 --> 00:43:40,160
Always On My Mind
by Willie Nelson.
793
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,418
Aw.
794
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:45,207
I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately
that's not in the system.
795
00:43:45,373 --> 00:43:48,047
We are only allowed
play-approved tracks.
796
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:51,554
But, Pat, you've got a gun. You
can play whatever you like.
797
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:54,261
Leave it with me and I'll
see what I can do, OK?
798
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:57,806
Remember we used to
choose our own records?
799
00:43:57,969 --> 00:44:02,065
Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if
you were tired or couldn't be bothered.
800
00:44:02,223 --> 00:44:04,066
Yeah.
801
00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,193
You like country music, Alan?
802
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,979
Can't say I do, Pat.
803
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,657
It's just jilted spouses
complaining whilst drunk.
804
00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:14,159
Also known as a date,
if you're over 40.
805
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:16,946
When a listener asks for a
song and I don't have it,
806
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,207
I feel like I've let them down.
807
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,376
And Willie Nelson was
Molly's favourite too.
808
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:25,960
And Always On My Mind
was her favourite song.
809
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,888
Do you remember that?
The old road show bus.
810
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,303
Remember it? I took my
family camping in that.
811
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,437
- Yeah?
- That was a tough nine days.
812
00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:45,437
You see, this bus brought
joy to hundreds.
813
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,102
I wonder where it is now.
814
00:44:47,268 --> 00:44:50,021
Probably impounded after
it crushed those scouts.
815
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:52,065
No, no, it's in the basement.
816
00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:53,278
- Oh?
- Yeah.
817
00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:55,409
- Did not know that.
- I used... Oh!
818
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:58,367
- Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?
- Sure.
819
00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,093
- Give me the gun, Alan.
- Yeah.
820
00:45:14,587 --> 00:45:17,215
- The gun, Alan.
- I was looking at my clothes before.
821
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:20,555
Some people call it gear, don't they?
Others call it an outfit.
822
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,595
But I call it clobber!
823
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:25,681
Jesus!
824
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,441
Alan! Alan!
825
00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:29,565
Alan! Alan, give me the gun!
826
00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:32,067
- Armed police, stay where you are!
- Give me the gun.
827
00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:33,482
Drop the weapon!
828
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:37,531
Alan!
829
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:39,988
Alan, open the door.
830
00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:43,291
I'm just trying to find
some way to escape.
831
00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:44,496
Alan! Alan!
832
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:48,833
Ayatollah!
833
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:53,668
He's got a shooter.
834
00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:58,551
Aargh!
835
00:46:01,717 --> 00:46:03,765
- You all right, Alan?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
836
00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:05,430
Cuddle me, cop!
837
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,272
Argh!
838
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:09,058
Target down.
839
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:10,977
Yours, I believe.
840
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,737
You probably thought I was gay
when I gave you that cuddle.
841
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,273
Don't worry, I'm not.
842
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,942
- You're really cool, Alan.
- Yeah, we think you're cool.
843
00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:20,862
Thank you. Sorry, who are you?
844
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:23,865
Jason Statham.
845
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,290
Jason Bourne.
846
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,543
Jason Argonaut.
847
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,584
- Jason Argonaut?
- Mm.
848
00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,340
- It's Jason and the Argonauts.
- Yes.
849
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:34,671
Are you all right?
850
00:46:34,834 --> 00:46:38,805
You just said, "clobber" and
then "Jason and the Argonauts".
851
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:41,933
- Oh, sorry.
- All right.
852
00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:44,185
- We go?
- Yeah.
853
00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:47,188
Oh, er... by the way, thanks
for not taking the gun.
854
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:48,768
Oh... that's fine.
855
00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,942
You're listening to Pat Farrell.
This is Willie Nelson,
856
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:54,145
Always On My Mind.
857
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,607
For someone who's always on
my mind, my late wife Molly.
858
00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:01,119
♪ Maybe I didn't love you
859
00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:07,496
♪ Quite as often
as I could have
860
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,841
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you...
861
00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:21,005
- Does that man look 59 to you?
- I didn't look.
862
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:24,346
- I just put his name into Google Images.
- This is Pat Farrell.
863
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,305
That is a Pat Farrell. Do
I have to do everything?
864
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,890
Ma'am, you better hear this.
865
00:47:31,057 --> 00:47:33,185
It's taken from the
transcript of the broadcast.
866
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,573
I wish this was abroad because it would
make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.
867
00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,199
What's
Banged Up Abroad?
868
00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:43,487
- You don't know Banged Up Abroad?
- No.
869
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,575
Everyone
knows Banged Up Abroad.
870
00:47:45,738 --> 00:47:47,991
I don't. What
is Banged Up Abroad?
871
00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:50,660
You seriously
don't know Banged Up Abroad?
872
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,043
You have to be shitting me.
873
00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:53,796
"I've never
even heard of..."
874
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:57,299
Just get to the bit where they
stop saying Banged Up Abroad.
875
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,174
- I.
- Once banged up a broad.
876
00:48:04,340 --> 00:48:07,469
"That's the best you've
got, even with a gun to your head?"
877
00:48:07,635 --> 00:48:09,979
He's got a gun to his head.
878
00:48:10,638 --> 00:48:13,687
I remember once coming to in a skip
in the middle of the afternoon
879
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:15,476
with my underpants in my mouth.
880
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,528
"Oh,
these are not my pants!"
881
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:22,863
Oh, I can laugh about it
now but, you know, back then...
882
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:26,367
Sssh, ssh. What's that?
883
00:48:27,446 --> 00:48:29,665
Move
into position, over.
884
00:48:30,116 --> 00:48:32,039
It's the police.
885
00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:35,375
If you like canapés that are on the
turn, we've hit the motherload.
886
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,174
Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure.
Whatever happened to circles?
887
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,711
I mean I've heard of a square
meal but that's ridiculous.
888
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,921
I was just saying I've
heard of a square meal.
889
00:48:44,088 --> 00:48:45,590
Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.
890
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:46,882
OK.
891
00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:49,185
- We think it's the police.
- Wait.
892
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,805
- That definitely came from in there.
- That's just a cupboard.
893
00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,690
- It's not even an outside wall.
- Careful.
894
00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:57,227
- No, Jason...
- I'll protect you.
895
00:48:57,435 --> 00:49:00,985
It's not an outside wall.
Look, I'll show you. Look.
896
00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:04,992
- Michael?
- Aye, aye, Mister Partridge.
897
00:49:05,151 --> 00:49:06,573
What are you hiding
in there for?
898
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,864
I found myself a place of concealment,
like when I was on manoeuvres.
899
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,871
Take your light off. You're
blinding everyone you speak to.
900
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,501
- Now it's flashing.
- Sorry.
901
00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:19,257
Michael. You look like some
sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
902
00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:21,585
- How long have you been here?
- All night.
903
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,351
- What did you eat?
- I had me lunch box.
904
00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:25,134
- Where did you go to the toilet?
- No.
905
00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,173
I had me lunch box.
906
00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,717
Thank God it's got a smoky
finish with an airtight seal.
907
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,768
I tell you what. It
seals in the freshness.
908
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,097
No, Michael. It seals
out the freshness.
909
00:49:34,263 --> 00:49:35,810
What is going on in here?
910
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:38,226
Michael's just visiting
us from the cupboard.
911
00:49:38,392 --> 00:49:39,609
No need to get shouty-shouty.
912
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,066
Did those Goredale bastards
put you up to this?
913
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,903
- No.
- No, no. I've been in here a few nights.
914
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,783
- No, one night.
- No, a few nights.
915
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,785
A few nights this week
and the week before.
916
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:51,038
- Why?
- Me brother wanted the bed to himself.
917
00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:53,120
Ah, yes. Michael suffers
from night terrors.
918
00:49:53,282 --> 00:49:54,875
He thrashes about
like a big salmon.
919
00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:56,377
What's in the box?
920
00:49:57,203 --> 00:50:00,127
Er... Michael... Michael
let himself down.
921
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:05,465
I'm really sorry. I
done a shit in the box.
922
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,722
Well, get rid of it.
Throw it out the window.
923
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,761
Fall back! Fall back!
924
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,852
Armed police!
925
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,858
- Identify yourself!
- Identify yourself!
926
00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:23,063
Alan Partridge. Who the f...
Alan Partridge!
927
00:50:23,229 --> 00:50:25,778
You know who I am. I haven't
been off the TV that long.
928
00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:29,069
- "Identify yourself."
- Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.
929
00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:31,488
Yeah, tell them to stop
pointing their guns at me.
930
00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:34,658
- Lower your weapons.
- Yeah, lower your weapons.
931
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:39,120
Take your hand off your gun.
Take your hand off your gun.
932
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,664
And the other hand. I
can wait here all day.
933
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,374
Do as he says.
934
00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:46,135
Thank you. Why do you have to
turn it into a competition?
935
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,512
Just because I won. OK.
936
00:50:48,671 --> 00:50:50,344
OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.
937
00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,349
I told you I've got a
very sensitive tummy.
938
00:50:52,508 --> 00:50:53,680
Who are you talking to, Alan?
939
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:55,890
I've got Pat on the end of
the line in both senses.
940
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,772
I'm tethered to the building via
this rope and relaying messages
941
00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:02,231
from Pat via this state-of-the-art
Sennheiser 1,000 head set.
942
00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,441
Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm
telling them that now.
943
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:06,651
If you'd listened, you'd
know I'm telling them.
944
00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:10,318
- Pat says “Hi".
- Hi, Pat.
945
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,578
And hi to your fellow officers.
946
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:15,163
Hi. Hi, Pat.
947
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:19,460
Alan, listen. Pat works with us
here, this can all end well. OK?
948
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,179
- I give him my word.
- OK, just... Yep.
949
00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:23,456
OK. Pat, you've got to...
you're rambling.
950
00:51:23,664 --> 00:51:25,177
"You've got to be more concise.
What do you want?
951
00:51:25,190 --> 00:51:26,713
“I want a helicopter."
952
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,011
That's just an
example, by the way.
953
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:31,884
Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.
954
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,217
That might not
be possible, Alan.
955
00:51:34,383 --> 00:51:37,057
But let's dialogue. What
else can we do for him?
956
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:47,066
Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs.
What the hell's going on?"
957
00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:50,199
Pat, listen to me. That
was not an attack, OK?
958
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:53,827
We just had to dispose of a box around
the corner in a controlled manner.
959
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,229
Pat would prefer it if you
spoke through me, as would I.
960
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,833
Marlin says they deployed a
remote RV fitted with a disruptor
961
00:51:59,992 --> 00:52:02,045
to neutralise a suspected IED.
He doesn't know
962
00:52:02,058 --> 00:52:04,122
what you're talking about.
He's quite angry.
963
00:52:04,288 --> 00:52:06,089
He's honking in my ear
like a mad Irish goose.
964
00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:09,293
Aha!
We love you, Alan!
965
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,929
Um... do you mind? It's
not a radio road show.
966
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,512
- I'm trying to host a siege here.
- We love you, Alan!
967
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,223
Get away. Who said that?
968
00:52:18,594 --> 00:52:19,811
What's it like in there?
969
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,850
Ah... scary, stressful,
lots of shouting.
970
00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:27,107
A bit like being married again.
971
00:52:27,603 --> 00:52:30,026
And there's a crazy person
running around with a gun.
972
00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,113
So it's a lot like being married again.
973
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:38,702
And er... when I saw a guy with a shotgun
in his mouth begging for mercy then...
974
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,954
You're ahead of me.
975
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:42,596
You're ahead of me.
A lot of you are.
976
00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:45,542
He's still got his hand on his gun.
He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.
977
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:47,957
- I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.
- Alan.
978
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,467
I'm not retreating,
Pat's tugging me off.
979
00:52:50,626 --> 00:52:51,843
No, come on.
980
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,630
- We're better than that. Guys, seriously.
- Alan, wait!
981
00:52:54,797 --> 00:52:57,641
By the way, there's an extra hostage.
Meant to tell you that.
982
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:04,599
In a surprise development,
DJ Alan Partridge
983
00:53:04,765 --> 00:53:07,894
appeared outside the building,
while tethered to a rope.
984
00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:12,152
Footage of his address is already one
of the most viewed You Tube videos
985
00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:14,450
since "Fat Woman
Falls Down Hole".
986
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,531
Mr. Partridge, whose
Facebook page
987
00:53:16,694 --> 00:53:19,243
lists one of his interests
as hand-to-hand combat,
988
00:53:19,405 --> 00:53:23,831
has been acting as mediator between police
and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.
989
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:27,792
As people around the world
ask, who is Alan Partridge?
990
00:53:28,997 --> 00:53:31,250
That was a majestic voice.
991
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,971
You can keep Jesus. As
far as I'm concerned,
992
00:53:33,984 --> 00:53:36,548
Neil Diamond will always
be King of the Jews.
993
00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,261
You are listening to...
994
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:41,139
- ..the partridge and the poacher.
995
00:53:42,511 --> 00:53:46,857
And, what I believe is a world
first, I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,
996
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:50,610
broadcasting live from
a siege at gunpoint.
997
00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:51,861
Pure class, Alan.
998
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:56,158
And today, we'll be asking, what
was better in the olden days?
999
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,569
OK, Pat, shoot. I mean,
you know, start speaking.
1000
00:53:58,736 --> 00:54:00,158
- Terry in Necton.
- Egypt.
1001
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,706
- I'm liking this.
- They used to build the pyramids,
1002
00:54:02,865 --> 00:54:04,742
now they can't get you
a taxi to the airport.
1003
00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:07,002
Terry, I like the way you think.
Please call again.
1004
00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:08,788
- Will do.
- Nicholas in Weybourne.
1005
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,207
- Nurses were better in the old days.
- Bull's-eye.
1006
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,297
They used to be these Florence
Nightingale type figures.
1007
00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,259
These days it's just, you know,
short-haired women in trousers
1008
00:54:17,421 --> 00:54:19,014
washing their own
hands at a sink.
1009
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:22,468
Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable
has the greatest torsional strength -
1010
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,808
ie, which can withstand the greatest
twisting load before rupture?
1011
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,316
- Caroline in Sprowston.
- Beards were better in the olden days.
1012
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,813
- Love it.
- Sebastian in Holt.
1013
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,944
- UK manufacturing.
- Good. Good, but dull.
1014
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,980
- Paul in East Runton.
- Kill 'em all, Pat.
1015
00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:36,490
Shoot the women first.
1016
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:41,324
We'll also be asking, have you ever
met a genuinely clever bus driver?
1017
00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:43,660
I wonder what the listening
figures are for this.
1018
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,916
Yeah. Can you stop drumming?
1019
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,247
OK. Time for fact of the day.
1020
00:54:48,452 --> 00:54:51,205
Fact of the day.
Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.
1021
00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:55,714
- Cows don't have hymens.
- Absolutely correct.
1022
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,470
Cows do not have hymens, just
a partially opened cervix.
1023
00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:00,131
The time is 10:22.
1024
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:03,892
Right now, to your muster stations.
It's Bryan Ferry.
1025
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,094
♪ Let's Stick Together
1026
00:55:06,261 --> 00:55:08,434
Ah... that was... that was er...
1027
00:55:08,597 --> 00:55:10,395
- Very good.
- Yeah. Radio gravy.
1028
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:11,900
Wow.
1029
00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:14,733
I suppose you forget about the
gun after a while, don't you?
1030
00:55:14,895 --> 00:55:17,114
- No, I don't.
- OK.
1031
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:18,948
Good.
1032
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:29,042
Lynn! Lynn Benfield,
can we have a word?
1033
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,624
Oh, Alan doesn't like me
speaking to the press.
1034
00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:34,836
- We're not press. We're television.
- Well, I'm... I'm not really...
1035
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,841
We've got hair and make-up.
1036
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:39,215
Oh!
1037
00:55:39,962 --> 00:55:43,216
Back now to Norwich
where DJ Alan Partridge
1038
00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:46,386
- continues to bring news of the radio...
- Ah, Angela?
1039
00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:49,021
- Someone wants a word with you.
- Who?
1040
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,726
Him.
1041
00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:53,312
Tensions on the Korean
peninsula continue...
1042
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:55,603
- Why? ..Following
Kim Jong-il...
1043
00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,237
Oh... shit.
1044
00:55:57,396 --> 00:56:00,445
- .. Vegas, I was doing kind of...
1045
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,075
..for anyone's price range...
1046
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:07,827
..Mounting tensions
in North...
1047
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,888
..Erectile dysfunction...
1048
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,720
- Inside, Partridge seems unfazed...
- Ah, him.
1049
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,889
- Me on TV. Good photo.
- He tried instead
1050
00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:34,774
to calm the gunman by
joining him in the studio.
1051
00:56:35,309 --> 00:56:37,653
Yes, just your basic
disabled loo.
1052
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:42,237
You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad,
high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.
1053
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,151
Alan, calm down. You're
being all hectic.
1054
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:47,613
This is because you're on TV, isn't it?
You're all puffed up like a Robin.
1055
00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:50,119
It's like you can see in me.
1056
00:56:50,282 --> 00:56:54,287
Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk
about disabled toilet facilities, did you?
1057
00:56:54,453 --> 00:56:56,751
Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.
1058
00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:03,133
Oh, wow. Lynn, you
look fantastic.
1059
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,684
Good gracious.
1060
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,433
I'm sorry about the nasal whistle.
It's when I'm anxious.
1061
00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:35,745
You know... You know, "Shape -
the way you want it to be"?
1062
00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:38,289
- Yeah?
- Your shape's the way I want it to be.
1063
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,048
I'm on about your body.
1064
00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:47,177
- What might this be?
- That... is my damned todger.
1065
00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:51,928
And it's all the fault of
a certain Miss Angela...
1066
00:57:52,511 --> 00:57:54,479
I'm sorry, I don't
know your second name.
1067
00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:58,268
He's very brave. He was once
feeding ducks in the park.
1068
00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:00,569
One took a peck at him and
instead of retreating,
1069
00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:02,980
- he hit it with the back of his hand.
1070
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:06,571
- DJ Alan Partridge...
- Hi. You got time for a quick wah-wah?
1071
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,031
- What?
- Quick wah-wah.
1072
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,701
- Oh, you mean "wa-wa"?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1073
00:58:11,863 --> 00:58:14,082
- Sorry. You just did a different noise.
- Sorry.
1074
00:58:14,241 --> 00:58:18,041
Look... how are you feeling about this
whole media circus? How you feeling?
1075
00:58:18,245 --> 00:58:19,963
Between you and me,
pretty puffed up.
1076
00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,921
- Like an owl.
- Let's hope you're a wise one.
1077
00:58:23,083 --> 00:58:26,132
Nice. I pitched it up, you
knocked it out of the park.
1078
00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:28,137
Synergy. Oh, no,
that's lesbians.
1079
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:29,576
Let me tell you something, Alan.
1080
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:34,136
As far as the press is concerned,
you are the face of this siege.
1081
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:37,185
- I am siege face.
- Exactly.
1082
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:40,521
After this, you'll get more offers
than a whore at our Christmas party.
1083
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,905
I like that. Yeah, I like that.
1084
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,861
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1085
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:49,197
You'd know a thing or two
about that, wouldn't you?
1086
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,579
That would be... "Mm-hm. Hmm," he says.
That's a moustache.
1087
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,281
Seriously, did you give her one?
1088
00:58:54,448 --> 00:58:58,043
Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big
kiss she won't forget in a hurry.
1089
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:01,171
Hand on the outside of the bra. Er...
you know, reconnaissance.
1090
00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:04,676
And then I just held her
in my arms because she
1091
00:59:04,689 --> 00:59:07,128
told me she never knew
her mother, and I said,
1092
00:59:07,335 --> 00:59:10,509
"Well, my mother raised me
and lived to a ripe old age.
1093
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:13,642
But guess what? I never
really knew her."
1094
00:59:14,593 --> 00:59:17,267
Erm... and...
1095
00:59:17,429 --> 00:59:19,602
To get back on track, erm...
1096
00:59:19,806 --> 00:59:21,683
Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo!
1097
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,690
- I like you.
- I like you.
1098
00:59:24,853 --> 00:59:26,901
He likes me, Lynn. Jason
Tresswell likes me.
1099
00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,744
- Alan? Are you OK?
- I've got to be quick.
1100
00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:31,197
Pat thinks I've borrowed his
phone to play Angry Birds.
1101
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,029
- Of course. What is it?
- A computerised bird-throwing game.
1102
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,369
- No, I meant...
- I'm joking, Lynn.
1103
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,416
Enjoy me. Everyone else is.
1104
00:59:38,617 --> 00:59:41,166
Goredale Media think I'm
some sort of Christ 2.0.
1105
00:59:41,328 --> 00:59:44,582
Do you know, I'm within a brair's
headth of getting the breakfast show.
1106
00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,217
I'll call myself the Morning
Rooster, or the Talking Cock.
1107
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,844
- You're not thinking clearly.
- Yes, I am.
1108
00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:51,846
Lynn, I'll say this once
and I'll say it again.
1109
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:55,635
My career's getting a shot in the arm and
if I can stay in here to the bitter end,
1110
00:59:55,801 --> 00:59:59,647
I will be the biggest thing to come out of
Norwich since... Lord Nelson or Trisha.
1111
00:59:59,805 --> 01:00:01,352
Think about that and
what that means.
1112
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,734
Your priority is the
welfare of the hostages.
1113
01:00:03,892 --> 01:00:05,894
Good - put that out as a press
release and say I said it.
1114
01:00:06,061 --> 01:00:08,189
Alan, your ego's getting
the better of you.
1115
01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:11,825
I've just got to stay alert and focused.
I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.
1116
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:14,119
How effed up is that?
1117
01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:17,410
- Alan? Alan?
- Oh...
1118
01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:42,101
Ohh! Christ's sake.
1119
01:00:46,101 --> 01:00:48,229
Not now. Oh, God.
1120
01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:51,323
I'm caught on the latch.
1121
01:01:04,411 --> 01:01:06,254
Oh, come on. Please.
1122
01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:19,511
Stop, armed police! Get
your hands above your head.
1123
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:22,099
- I've just got...
- Get your hands above your head!
1124
01:01:22,262 --> 01:01:24,765
- I want to get those trousers.
- Do it! Hands above your head.
1125
01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:28,356
- They're my trousers.
- Get your hands above your head now!
1126
01:01:32,314 --> 01:01:34,567
What are you doing? It's weird.
1127
01:01:36,193 --> 01:01:37,911
There are paparazzi
all over the place
1128
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,822
and I do not want them to get
a photograph of my genitals.
1129
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,499
- Oh, come on!
- That's it, look at me.
1130
01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:55,674
And how were the
hostages when you left?
1131
01:01:56,588 --> 01:01:58,966
- Crouched.
- I mean, what's their state of mind?
1132
01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:02,853
Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany.
Yeah. Is someone writing this down?
1133
01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,355
- Yeah.
- Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.
1134
01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,982
Thanks for the forensic
trousers, by the way.
1135
01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,644
- Could you just um...?
- Crikey. Yeah, sorry.
1136
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,360
I was actually going to fashion a
sort of make-shift modesty sporran
1137
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,695
from the vacant arm flaps.
1138
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,249
OK, I
think we're done here.
1139
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:28,332
Any chance of freshening up? I just need
to wipe my face with a big hot towel.
1140
01:02:28,495 --> 01:02:31,499
Presumably you wanna use me
as part of your media strat?
1141
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:34,800
No.
1142
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,337
- Do you agree?
- 100 per cent.
1143
01:02:36,503 --> 01:02:37,675
Gotcha.
1144
01:02:38,380 --> 01:02:41,930
The police said you could do media
interviews when the siege is over.
1145
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,544
It will be too late then, Lynn.
People move on.
1146
01:02:44,557 --> 01:02:47,019
Goredale Media will move on.
1147
01:02:47,931 --> 01:02:49,933
But you're still
being talked about.
1148
01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:53,695
Only cos every time I look at the telly,
they're showing a picture of my arse.
1149
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,274
It's all right for you. Every other time I
look, they show a picture of your face.
1150
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,489
And then the next time - surprise,
surprise, my arse again.
1151
01:03:00,652 --> 01:03:02,495
I was only telling
people about you.
1152
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:08,252
You know, I was Goredale's golden goose,
and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.
1153
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,833
But why do you want to
work for people like that?
1154
01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:13,670
- Goredale are bullies.
- Yeah. And what do you do with a bully?
1155
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,877
You make friends with the bully
so they bully someone else.
1156
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:19,880
- "What doth it profit a man..."
- Doth?
1157
01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:24,351
"..If he gains the whole world yet loses
his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight...
1158
01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,638
Yeah, I know who wrote it. I'm
not going to sell my soul, Lynn.
1159
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:32,355
I want to, if you like, lend
my soul to Goredale Media
1160
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:34,152
on a long-term basis for cash.
1161
01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:36,234
It's a very different thing.
1162
01:03:40,984 --> 01:03:42,944
I don't know how you can
look yourself in the eye.
1163
01:03:43,111 --> 01:03:44,613
I can't, Lynn. My
nose is in the way.
1164
01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,952
You can talk, prattling away
on every news bulletin.
1165
01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,501
I mean, who the heck
do you think you are?
1166
01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:54,623
- I'm Lynn Benfield.
- You don't look like Lynn Benfield.
1167
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:58,168
I mean, what has happened to you,
with your attitude and your hair?
1168
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,087
You've literally
become a big head.
1169
01:04:01,296 --> 01:04:03,719
- I like it.
- I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn,
1170
01:04:03,923 --> 01:04:07,177
but a lot of people think it looks
like a photograph of an explosion.
1171
01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:10,596
I don't know if I want to
work for a man like you.
1172
01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,726
I don't know that I want to employ
someone who looks like a madam.
1173
01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:15,235
And I don't mean a Parisian one
1174
01:04:15,435 --> 01:04:18,484
I mean, one who lives in a terraced
house behind a train station.
1175
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:35,706
- Doors opening!
- Armed police! Armed police!
1176
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:39,046
Oh, shut up, will you?
Stop shouting.
1177
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:42,509
- Easy, Pat. Mind the steps.
- I'm able to walk down steps, all right?
1178
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,718
He means because the
gun's against my head.
1179
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,852
- Everybody has an opinion, huh?
- Hear, hear. Well said.
1180
01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:51,100
- On.
- Hi, Pat.
1181
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:53,765
Hey, Alan. What happened? We
were in the middle of a show,
1182
01:04:53,932 --> 01:04:55,809
and then your arse is
all over the Internet.
1183
01:04:55,975 --> 01:04:58,398
Looked like you had a Turkey's
head between your legs.
1184
01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,859
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
It doesn't have a beak.
1185
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,070
And, yeah, I took an
executive decision
1186
01:05:03,233 --> 01:05:05,656
to stow my cock and balls
up against my backside.
1187
01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,158
I can't believe you left
me with this nutcase.
1188
01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:10,289
Hang on a minute, you're
the one with the gun.
1189
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:13,076
- See? He's hilarious.
- He's solid. He's solid.
1190
01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:17,623
- Pizzas coming through now, Pat.
- Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.
1191
01:05:24,671 --> 01:05:26,514
Oh, hello.
1192
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:31,428
Actually, I want Alan
to bring them in.
1193
01:05:33,763 --> 01:05:37,267
That might not be possible, Pat.
Alan's not prepared to do that.
1194
01:05:37,434 --> 01:05:39,482
No... I am prepared to do that.
1195
01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:42,193
- It's not that simple.
- Do you want me to release some people?
1196
01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:43,865
Sure. Let's talk about that.
1197
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:46,151
Alan, what do you reckon
if I let the women go?
1198
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,321
Yeah, let a couple of the women go.
Maybe keep Angela.
1199
01:05:49,904 --> 01:05:52,498
- But her kids will be worried sick.
- She's got kids?
1200
01:05:52,699 --> 01:05:55,498
Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.
1201
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:57,996
I believe they're
a real handful.
1202
01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,133
Yeah, what was I thinking?
Let all the women go.
1203
01:06:01,291 --> 01:06:03,259
Pat, give me five minutes
with head office.
1204
01:06:03,418 --> 01:06:05,887
He's bringing them in now.
Alan, come on.
1205
01:06:06,546 --> 01:06:08,173
- Top one.
- Top one.
1206
01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:11,601
- Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one.
- OK, come on, son.
1207
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:14,721
Oh, shit.
1208
01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:20,526
Why did you say hello
to that delivery guy?
1209
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:26,445
Oh, him? No, he just reminded me
of a man I know called Mike Cable,
1210
01:06:26,608 --> 01:06:30,704
who did my accounts
from '97 to '98.
1211
01:06:30,862 --> 01:06:32,614
Actually, no. '99.
1212
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:34,999
Till he stopped because his
daughter was very ill.
1213
01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:36,910
Yeah, it was touch
and go, actually.
1214
01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:40,247
He and Sandra were in bits, they
had to cancel their holiday.
1215
01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:43,000
- It was a fly-drive to Tuscany.
- Hm.
1216
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:46,796
I must tell him, actually, that there's
a policeman that looks just like him.
1217
01:06:47,170 --> 01:06:48,217
What's that?
1218
01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:51,349
Must tell Mike that there's a pizza
man who looks just like him.
1219
01:06:53,009 --> 01:06:54,682
I'm famished.
1220
01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:59,432
- Ladies, you're free to go.
- What?
1221
01:06:59,641 --> 01:07:01,814
- Yep.
- God bless you, Pat.
1222
01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,102
See you. Bye.
1223
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:05,317
I'll make you a home-made
pizza when you get out.
1224
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:07,232
Yeah, these pizzas
are pretty good.
1225
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,573
- Cinderella.
- Yeah, well...
1226
01:07:11,736 --> 01:07:14,239
No, hers was... that was
a glass one, wasn't it?
1227
01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:17,993
Here comes the Tin Man.
1228
01:07:27,544 --> 01:07:30,798
- Just trying to find your pizza.
- Well, just give me that one.
1229
01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:33,641
- Hm?
- That one.
1230
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,473
- Which one?
- The top one.
1231
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:38,889
Oh...
1232
01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:41,065
- I'll take the pizzas.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1233
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:48,114
Woo-ho, stuffed crust!
- Thanks for coming back, Alan.
1234
01:07:50,733 --> 01:07:52,952
- What are you doing?
- I'm just seeing how you'll look
1235
01:07:53,111 --> 01:07:56,115
on the billboard for when you
start on The Breakfast Show.
1236
01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:59,285
- The Breakfast Show?
- Alan, can I have a word?
1237
01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:02,624
Yeah, sure. Just bringing
the pizza cutter.
1238
01:08:03,955 --> 01:08:05,923
Right, how many do you want.
Six or eight?
1239
01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,800
Oh, my God, that's a taser!
1240
01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:11,054
This is no use, it's a pizza cutter.
And that is not a pizza.
1241
01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:14,933
Thing is, how did it get there?
Erm...
1242
01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:19,146
Unless the pizza company are running a
competition in which you win a taser.
1243
01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:22,353
That doesn't make sense, does it?
Do you realise, it's the police?
1244
01:08:22,515 --> 01:08:26,611
The ruddy po... Do you know... They've got
some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.
1245
01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,487
I'm actually really
angry about that.
1246
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,740
You should keep that
as an extra weapon.
1247
01:08:30,898 --> 01:08:34,994
What kind of fool do you take me for, eh?
I'm one step ahead of all of you.
1248
01:08:35,153 --> 01:08:37,281
And I'm just a step
behind you, mate.
1249
01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:40,409
- Ooh.
- Never take your eye off the ball, Pat.
1250
01:08:40,575 --> 01:08:41,792
First rule of business.
1251
01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,746
Second rule of business, always
be prepared for an opportunity
1252
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,631
when it arises, like
I was just then.
1253
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:48,757
Yeah.
1254
01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:52,386
Course I wouldn't expect you to
understand that. It's Darwinian.
1255
01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,175
- You're a runt.
- Is that what you think, Alan?
1256
01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,353
I wouldn't quite, you
know, use those words.
1257
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,229
Well, I think... I think...
1258
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,557
The sort of the gist
of what, you know...
1259
01:09:04,724 --> 01:09:06,397
I just don't like bullies.
1260
01:09:07,435 --> 01:09:10,860
- Um... can I take this off, please?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
1261
01:09:11,022 --> 01:09:13,901
- No, I'm talking to him.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
1262
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,785
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you.
1263
01:09:16,736 --> 01:09:18,158
Are you all right?
1264
01:09:18,321 --> 01:09:21,700
Well, I was worried about the old head
but I think I've got a handle on it.
1265
01:09:22,784 --> 01:09:25,128
- Very witty.
- Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.
1266
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:30,629
He's treated this whole crisis
like a business opportunity.
1267
01:09:30,792 --> 01:09:35,514
He's taken a look around him and he's
thought, "How can I make this work for me?"
1268
01:09:36,464 --> 01:09:38,307
- Well done, Alan.
- Cheers.
1269
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:40,889
- Yeah, well done, Alan.
- Thank you.
1270
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:44,101
You know, you and me, we've
got something going here.
1271
01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:46,424
Pat might be a dinosaur,
filling his show
1272
01:09:46,437 --> 01:09:48,609
with chit-chat and
phone-ins like it's 1983,
1273
01:09:48,810 --> 01:09:49,902
but you're one of us.
1274
01:09:50,061 --> 01:09:53,065
You know radio's just business.
You'll do well out of this.
1275
01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:55,905
And er... I'll get you a glamorous
assistant with big tits
1276
01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:59,534
to take over from that frumpy old cow
you've got at the moment.
1277
01:09:59,696 --> 01:10:01,414
You know, Mrs. fucking
Doubtfire.
1278
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,545
Danny, er... Jason gave
me your breakfast show.
1279
01:10:08,579 --> 01:10:10,206
- Yeah.
- Is that true?
1280
01:10:10,373 --> 01:10:12,046
- Well...
- Twat.
1281
01:10:14,502 --> 01:10:16,049
Oh, my God.
1282
01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,839
Go! Go! Go!
1283
01:10:19,924 --> 01:10:21,847
Armed police!
1284
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,432
Armed police!
Everybody stay down!
1285
01:10:24,595 --> 01:10:28,190
- Stay down! Don't move! Don't move!
- Have you got any scissors?
1286
01:10:28,391 --> 01:10:29,984
Have you got any scissors?
1287
01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:32,145
Armed police! Armed police!
1288
01:10:32,311 --> 01:10:34,985
Studio's empty. Where's Farrell?
Where's Partridge?
1289
01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:43,373
♪ Roll
out the barrel...
1290
01:10:48,244 --> 01:10:50,793
Get into position,
get in front of that bus!
1291
01:10:51,581 --> 01:10:55,677
We got three on a bus. Three on a bus.
I want a green light on a sniper now.
1292
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,470
This cannot be happening.
1293
01:10:59,005 --> 01:11:01,428
Jeez, Alan. Look at this.
Quite alarming, isn't it?
1294
01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,931
Er... l think... I
think we'll be fine.
1295
01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:07,313
Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted
to stick it to Goredale one more time.
1296
01:11:07,472 --> 01:11:10,066
I don't mind in the slightest, Pat.
Goredale are tits.
1297
01:11:10,933 --> 01:11:15,404
Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae
insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.
1298
01:11:15,563 --> 01:11:17,986
What are you going to do about
it this time?
1299
01:11:20,443 --> 01:11:22,821
- Start the car! Start the car!
- Let's go!
1300
01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:31,166
Right, let's give
them some stick.
1301
01:11:31,329 --> 01:11:33,582
You're listening to Pat and Alan
1302
01:11:33,748 --> 01:11:36,092
with a message for the
Goredale Medias of this world.
1303
01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:40,718
If you think you can take real DJs
and turn them into radio robots,
1304
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:43,258
think again - because we're
gonna get up in your face.
1305
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:44,346
Great.
1306
01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:48,514
With a big fat slice of road show
radio right here, right now.
1307
01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,272
The time is 1:27.
1308
01:11:50,431 --> 01:11:52,149
This is John Farnham
and The Voice.
1309
01:11:52,642 --> 01:11:54,360
♪ The Voice
1310
01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:05,742
Today we're asking, why do
people keep their eggs in the fridge?
1311
01:12:05,905 --> 01:12:09,455
Once again, why do people insist on
keeping their eggs in the fridge?
1312
01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:13,793
And can a binman reasonably
expect a Christmas tip
1313
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:17,626
when he has point-blank refused
to dispose of a broken toaster?
1314
01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:20,762
Good question! And that
can be today's large question.
1315
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,890
Large question.
1316
01:12:24,841 --> 01:12:29,813
Oh, and we have some travel news.
There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.
1317
01:12:29,971 --> 01:12:32,520
That'll be due to wacky
blokes on a big yellow bus.
1318
01:12:34,517 --> 01:12:37,236
It's competition time, and
we 're playing pairs.
1319
01:12:37,395 --> 01:12:39,113
- Sid on line two. Black and...
- Decker.
1320
01:12:39,272 --> 01:12:40,364
- Spick and...
- Span.
1321
01:12:40,523 --> 01:12:41,524
- Hall and...
- Oates.
1322
01:12:41,691 --> 01:12:42,738
- Egg and...
- Bacon.
1323
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,277
Oh, it was gammon!
1324
01:12:44,443 --> 01:12:46,491
Can I just say, I
think Goredale are awful.
1325
01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:47,826
Yeah, they are bastards.
1326
01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,663
That's why I've washed my hands of them.
You know what I say?
1327
01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:56,878
I always say, "What doth it profit a man if
he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"
1328
01:12:57,915 --> 01:13:00,293
And people seem to like that.
They really do.
1329
01:13:06,257 --> 01:13:08,760
♪ You're the voice,
try and understand it
1330
01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:11,554
♪ Make a noise and
make it clear
1331
01:13:11,721 --> 01:13:13,849
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1332
01:13:14,015 --> 01:13:17,269
♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!
1333
01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:22,820
♪ We're not gonna sit in silence
We're not gonna live with fear
1334
01:13:22,982 --> 01:13:25,110
♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1335
01:13:25,693 --> 01:13:27,536
It looks like you've
touched a nerve, Pat.
1336
01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:30,995
These are my listeners, Alan,
ordinary working people.
1337
01:13:31,198 --> 01:13:33,086
They're not working, it's
the middle of the day.
1338
01:13:33,099 --> 01:13:34,998
Unless they're on flexi-time.
1339
01:13:35,703 --> 01:13:38,798
Oh, look. I used to live in one
of those after my divorce.
1340
01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,500
TV, kitchen - very nice.
1341
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,346
Hey, people, I'm looking at a
picture of Goredale Media.
1342
01:13:45,504 --> 01:13:48,098
Honestly, look at that bunch
of corporate mercenaries.
1343
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,853
What's wrong with doing radio
for the love of radio?
1344
01:13:52,303 --> 01:13:54,897
They would do anything
for 30 pieces of silver.
1345
01:13:56,057 --> 01:14:00,187
You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.
Radio for the love of radio.
1346
01:14:00,394 --> 01:14:03,022
- Sponsored by Castro).
1347
01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:06,450
Just gonna use the loo.
1348
01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:23,876
- Alan?
- Hi.
1349
01:14:24,043 --> 01:14:26,296
Alan, I want to talk to you.
1350
01:14:27,088 --> 01:14:28,180
Alan?
1351
01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:54,286
Oh, hi, Pat.
1352
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:56,792
Alan, how did you
even get in there?
1353
01:14:56,951 --> 01:15:00,672
Um... l just removed an aluminium panel.
Slid straight in.
1354
01:15:00,997 --> 01:15:04,342
- Er... textbook. It's good, isn't it?
- Your voice sounds funny.
1355
01:15:04,542 --> 01:15:06,681
I think the conical shape
of the toilet's turned
1356
01:15:06,694 --> 01:15:08,843
it into a sort of a
compact amphitheatre.
1357
01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:11,841
- It's weird.
- It is, Pat. It's bizarre.
1358
01:15:12,008 --> 01:15:14,812
It is and was a failed
escape attempt, a
1359
01:15:14,825 --> 01:15:17,640
sort of a Shitshank
Redemption, if you will.
1360
01:15:17,805 --> 01:15:20,558
Ah. The Armitage Shank
Redemption, eh?
1361
01:15:20,725 --> 01:15:23,774
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm laughing
like a drain and I'm in one.
1362
01:15:23,978 --> 01:15:26,276
Shake hands, Pat. Friends.
Friends, Pat, friends.
1363
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,319
Friends? I know what you
did, you fucking snake.
1364
01:15:30,860 --> 01:15:32,578
- "Just sack Pat."
- Huh?
1365
01:15:32,737 --> 01:15:35,081
- You're as bad as the rest of them.
- Pat, be reasonable.
1366
01:15:35,239 --> 01:15:37,958
Before you think of shooting
anyone, just for a second think,
1367
01:15:38,117 --> 01:15:42,543
what would drive a man to incarcerate
himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic.
1368
01:15:43,622 --> 01:15:47,593
- I'm not going to shoot you.
- Thank God for that. That's good news.
1369
01:15:49,628 --> 01:15:51,005
Sweet mother of God, no.
1370
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,307
Oh, angels and
saints preserve us!
1371
01:15:53,466 --> 01:15:55,343
Dear God, let them be firm!
1372
01:15:57,803 --> 01:15:59,680
Help!
1373
01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,984
Stop the bus!
1374
01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:06,270
- What's that?
- It's a septic tank. You can have it.
1375
01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:50,698
Oh... not again!
1376
01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,703
Damn gypsies tampered
with the sights.
1377
01:17:04,245 --> 01:17:05,588
Trust me, Susan.
1378
01:17:06,622 --> 01:17:08,374
Ow! Jesus!
1379
01:17:13,295 --> 01:17:14,763
Suspect is on Cromer...
1380
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,845
You're a fucking clown, Alan.
1381
01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,681
Ah. Hi, Pat.
1382
01:18:03,304 --> 01:18:06,478
I trusted you, Alan. I
thought we were friends.
1383
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,438
- But you let me down.
- Well, I...
1384
01:18:08,601 --> 01:18:11,070
- You got me sacked.
- Over here! Pat!
1385
01:18:11,228 --> 01:18:12,855
Look!
1386
01:18:14,064 --> 01:18:16,066
Oh, shit!
1387
01:18:17,735 --> 01:18:18,782
What was that?
1388
01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:22,619
I think it was supposed to be
some sort of distraction. Yeah.
1389
01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:24,704
- Brave but pointless.
- Excuse me?
1390
01:18:24,867 --> 01:18:26,995
Oh, God, get back inside.
Quick, now!
1391
01:18:27,161 --> 01:18:30,085
- We want to get down there.
- Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off.
1392
01:18:30,247 --> 01:18:31,669
- Where were we?
- I got you sacked.
1393
01:18:31,874 --> 01:18:33,876
- Yeah, you let me down.
- Pat, listen to me.
1394
01:18:34,084 --> 01:18:35,301
- I've got this.
- Pardon?
1395
01:18:35,461 --> 01:18:37,861
- I said, I've got this.
- How long is it going to go on for?
1396
01:18:38,005 --> 01:18:40,007
- Shut up!
- He's telling you to shut up.
1397
01:18:40,174 --> 01:18:41,676
- Calm down.
- Didn't get that.
1398
01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:43,469
- Too close to your mouth.
- Calm down.
1399
01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:45,636
- It's too close to your mouth!
- Did you get that?
1400
01:18:45,763 --> 01:18:46,685
What?
1401
01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:50,727
She's saying, if you put your air rifles
back, you won't be in too much trouble.
1402
01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:53,521
- This is a shotgun.
- This is an air rifle. That's a shotgun.
1403
01:18:54,313 --> 01:18:56,315
We'll leave you to it.
1404
01:18:56,649 --> 01:18:58,651
I surrender.
1405
01:19:07,326 --> 01:19:08,623
Pat?
1406
01:19:10,913 --> 01:19:12,711
Pat?
1407
01:19:13,582 --> 01:19:16,631
- I brought Molly to this pier.
- Happy times.
1408
01:19:16,835 --> 01:19:18,337
I scattered her ashes here.
1409
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,926
Ah.
1410
01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:22,845
Buried at sea.
1411
01:19:23,717 --> 01:19:25,811
Like Bin Laden.
1412
01:19:26,387 --> 01:19:28,481
And now here we are.
1413
01:19:29,515 --> 01:19:31,267
The circle of life.
1414
01:19:31,475 --> 01:19:33,898
Cirque du Soleil.
1415
01:19:36,897 --> 01:19:38,649
Turn your head away.
1416
01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,029
Let's just calm down.
1417
01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,160
- Pat, come on.
- Turn your head away.
1418
01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,242
- Pat, listen to me...
- Pat, you're scaring me.
1419
01:19:44,405 --> 01:19:46,783
- I won't ask again.
- Pat, I need you to stay calm.
1420
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:49,498
Turn your head away.
1421
01:19:51,245 --> 01:19:58,720
♪ Maybe I didn't love you,
quite as often as I could have
1422
01:19:58,877 --> 01:20:00,220
What are you doing?
1423
01:20:00,379 --> 01:20:08,379
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you,
quite as good as I should have
1424
01:20:08,846 --> 01:20:10,223
Stop it!
1425
01:20:10,389 --> 01:20:14,610
♪ And if I made you
feel second best
1426
01:20:15,144 --> 01:20:18,444
♪ Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
1427
01:20:19,606 --> 01:20:24,157
♪ But you were always on my mind
1428
01:20:25,404 --> 01:20:29,955
♪ You were always on my mind
1429
01:20:32,870 --> 01:20:34,588
- ♪ Maybe I...
- Pat, are you ready to...
1430
01:20:34,747 --> 01:20:36,841
Shut up, you dick!
1431
01:20:39,335 --> 01:20:40,678
Pat, what are you doing?
1432
01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,679
I want
to be with Molly.
1433
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:43,964
What?
1434
01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:47,847
I want to be with Molly.
1435
01:20:49,178 --> 01:20:51,397
- Pat, don't do this.
- Pat, don't do this!
1436
01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:53,057
Unbelievable.
1437
01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:55,976
- I can't reach the trigger.
- Pat, come on.
1438
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,983
Would you do it for me?
1439
01:21:04,068 --> 01:21:06,287
Yeah, course I will, mate.
1440
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:09,790
Course I will.
1441
01:21:12,534 --> 01:21:14,332
It's over, Pat.
1442
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:17,457
No more hurting.
1443
01:21:18,374 --> 01:21:19,671
Ow!
1444
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:20,959
Aaargh!
1445
01:21:22,336 --> 01:21:24,680
You fucking idiot!
1446
01:21:26,507 --> 01:21:27,724
Shit.
1447
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:32,642
- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.
- They've blown me to bits, Lynn.
1448
01:21:33,097 --> 01:21:34,690
I feel cold.
1449
01:21:35,808 --> 01:21:39,062
It's all right, Alan.
God is with us.
1450
01:21:39,228 --> 01:21:41,481
We had some mad times,
didn't we, Lynn?
1451
01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:45,659
There's some blood coming
from my mouth, Lynn.
1452
01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:49,493
- It's just spit.
- Is it? Oh, yeah.
1453
01:21:49,655 --> 01:21:51,999
- Alan, I'm really sorry.
- It's all right, Pat.
1454
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,251
- You've still got the gun!
- Aargh!
1455
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,881
Was I a good man, Lynn?
Was I a kind man?
1456
01:22:00,207 --> 01:22:02,050
Very kind.
1457
01:22:02,209 --> 01:22:06,555
I remember when you were defrosting your
freezer and you gave me all that bacon.
1458
01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:09,011
I'm ready, Lynn.
1459
01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:11,935
I think I'm ready.
1460
01:22:12,094 --> 01:22:14,313
Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull.
1461
01:22:15,013 --> 01:22:17,015
Have you come to
take my spirit away?
1462
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:19,685
Go, gull!
1463
01:22:21,687 --> 01:22:25,032
Gull... gull... gull.
1464
01:22:45,544 --> 01:22:48,013
What are you doing? I'm
watching it fly off.
1465
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:54,141
It's weird, Lynn. Yours will
be the last face I ever see.
1466
01:22:55,471 --> 01:22:57,690
- Oh, good.
- Hi there. You're gonna be OK.
1467
01:22:57,848 --> 01:23:00,897
- I've been shot in the heart.
- Your heart's there. It's your shoulder.
1468
01:23:01,059 --> 01:23:03,187
No, that... that's my heart. Ow!
1469
01:23:03,395 --> 01:23:06,069
- Can I have my job back now?
- Yeah, if you want.
1470
01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:08,909
Always On My Mind
1471
01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:15,540
♪ Maybe I didn't love you
1472
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,248
How long have
you been a paramedic?
1473
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:20,162
- About four years.
- Right.
1474
01:23:20,329 --> 01:23:23,299
And do you start in St John's
Ambulance and then work your way up
1475
01:23:23,457 --> 01:23:25,050
or are they separate
organisations?
1476
01:23:25,209 --> 01:23:27,883
- They're separate...
- She can answer for herself, Lynn.
1477
01:23:28,045 --> 01:23:30,468
- They are separate organisations.
- Right.
1478
01:23:30,672 --> 01:23:32,345
- Are you courting?
- Well...
1479
01:23:32,508 --> 01:23:33,555
Not you, Lynn!
1480
01:23:33,759 --> 01:23:37,730
North Norfolk's best music mix.
1481
01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,353
We've had a letter
from Louise in Thetford,
1482
01:23:40,516 --> 01:23:44,817
who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth
of people poking fun at garden gnomes."
1483
01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:47,265
They may be small and
strange-faced, but they
1484
01:23:47,278 --> 01:23:49,575
"bring a lot of pleasure
to a lot of people."
1485
01:23:49,733 --> 01:23:53,033
Now, that's a letter, once upon a time
I would have found offensively dull.
1486
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:54,321
- Yeah.
- Not now.
1487
01:23:54,488 --> 01:23:56,911
So maybe everything that
happened has changed you.
1488
01:23:57,074 --> 01:23:58,792
I think I have changed
a little bit.
1489
01:23:58,951 --> 01:24:01,329
Well, for my part, I was a
bit worried about my head...
1490
01:24:01,495 --> 01:24:02,712
- Here we go.
- But um...
1491
01:24:02,913 --> 01:24:06,634
- I think I've got a handle on it now.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.
1492
01:24:07,334 --> 01:24:09,757
You've used that joke about
three or four times now.
1493
01:24:09,920 --> 01:24:12,343
- I don't know if you're aware of that.
- I use it too much?
1494
01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:16,010
I wouldn't say that. I just think
we're in that area and... you know.
1495
01:24:16,176 --> 01:24:18,178
- What about the hat?
- Good for the bin, I reckon.
1496
01:24:18,345 --> 01:24:20,143
- Lose it?
- Yeah.
1497
01:24:20,305 --> 01:24:23,058
But I think, like you say, you're
coming on leaps and bounds...
1498
01:24:23,225 --> 01:24:24,568
and I think, 12 months' time,
1499
01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:27,229
you'll probably have forgotten
there ever was a siege.
1500
01:24:27,396 --> 01:24:29,569
- What siege?
- Er... exactly. That's good.
1501
01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:32,075
- You haven't really forgotten?
- No.
1502
01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:36,955
OK, time now for our weekly phone call
with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.
1503
01:24:37,114 --> 01:24:40,038
- It's...
- ♪ Ring-ring from Sing-Sing!
1504
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:43,579
Hello, Pat. Wagwan!
1505
01:24:43,787 --> 01:24:45,164
Er... Hi, Alan.
1506
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:48,925
OK, this week's question comes from
Sue, a dental hygienist from Grantham.
1507
01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:52,179
She asks, "Prison time is often
referred to as porridge"
1508
01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:57,389
but do they actually serve porridge,
and if so, is it compulsory?"
1509
01:24:57,551 --> 01:25:00,725
Yeah, they serve porridge but
you can have other things.
1510
01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:04,061
Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question
for you next week, until then...
1511
01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:06,147
Keep your nose clean, boy.
1512
01:25:10,897 --> 01:25:13,116
The Number
One Song in Heaven
1513
01:25:17,237 --> 01:25:20,116
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1514
01:25:20,490 --> 01:25:23,414
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1515
01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,630
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1516
01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:29,962
♪ The number one
song all over heaven
1517
01:25:30,626 --> 01:25:34,631
♪ If you should die
before you awake
1518
01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:41,262
♪ If you should die while
crossing the street
1519
01:25:43,430 --> 01:25:46,650
♪ The song that you'll
hear, I guarantee
1520
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:51,693
Colby, Philip? If you
guys don't dig the sounds,
1521
01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:53,607
sling us your pod, I'll dock it.
1522
01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:56,326
You won't like it.
1523
01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:59,201
Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.
1524
01:25:59,363 --> 01:26:01,161
A good beat's a good beat.
1525
01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:04,202
All
The Wrong Places
1526
01:26:06,119 --> 01:26:08,167
♪ All the wrong places
1527
01:26:09,915 --> 01:26:12,088
Sorry,
not listening to that.
1528
01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:14,799
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1529
01:26:15,170 --> 01:26:17,923
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1530
01:26:18,215 --> 01:26:21,094
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1531
01:26:21,343 --> 01:26:24,597
♪ The number one
song all over heaven
1532
01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:28,692
♪ The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1533
01:26:31,645 --> 01:26:35,149
♪ It reaches the earth
and winds all around
1534
01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:41,576
♪ And then it breaks
up in millions of ways
1535
01:26:43,407 --> 01:26:46,752
♪ It goes la, la, la,
la, la la, la la
1536
01:26:47,202 --> 01:26:50,001
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1537
01:26:50,330 --> 01:26:53,254
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1538
01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,800
♪ La, la, la la, la la,
la, la, la, la-la-la
1539
01:26:57,129 --> 01:27:01,100
♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1540
01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,472
For God's sake, if
it's that important...
1541
01:27:06,638 --> 01:27:07,935
All The Wrong Places
1542
01:27:08,098 --> 01:27:10,521
♪ Toe to toe
1543
01:27:11,059 --> 01:27:13,903
♪ We all stand tall
1544
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,320
♪ Row by row
1545
01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:20,698
♪ All eyes glow
1546
01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,739
♪ Like a rabbit
in the headlights
1547
01:27:23,905 --> 01:27:25,703
♪ Get your head right
1548
01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:28,961
♪ Start a new life
Shiver in the moonlight
1549
01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:32,293
♪ You must embrace it cos
if not you'll waste it
1550
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:36,211
♪ You're looking for love
in all the wrong places
1551
01:27:41,214 --> 01:27:43,433
♪ All the wrong places...
1552
01:27:47,971 --> 01:27:49,939
Sorry, that is awful.
1553
01:27:50,098 --> 01:27:52,146
The Number
One Song in Heaven
1554
01:27:52,309 --> 01:27:54,027
♪ ..or soft as a doubt
1555
01:27:57,189 --> 01:28:00,284
♪ Lyrically weak, but
the music's the thing
1556
01:28:02,861 --> 01:28:05,705
♪ Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it
1557
01:28:06,072 --> 01:28:08,916
♪ Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it
1558
01:28:09,367 --> 01:28:12,120
♪ Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it
1559
01:28:12,537 --> 01:28:15,416
♪ Gabriel plays it,
let's hear him play it
1560
01:28:28,303 --> 01:28:31,182
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1561
01:28:31,515 --> 01:28:34,485
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1562
01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:37,613
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1563
01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:40,991
♪ The number one
song all over heaven
1564
01:28:41,608 --> 01:28:45,658
♪ The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1565
01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,286
♪ It reaches the earth
and winds all around
1566
01:28:54,496 --> 01:28:57,625
♪ And then it breaks
up in millions of ways
1567
01:28:59,543 --> 01:29:02,922
♪ It goes la, la, la,
la, la la, la la
1568
01:29:03,255 --> 01:29:06,099
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1569
01:29:06,383 --> 01:29:09,307
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1570
01:29:09,553 --> 01:29:12,932
♪ La, la, la la, la la,
la, la, la, la-la-la
1571
01:29:13,390 --> 01:29:17,020
♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1572
01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:23,237
♪ And in your home it
becomes advertisements
1573
01:29:26,069 --> 01:29:31,542
♪ And in the streets it
becomes children singing
1574
01:29:31,908 --> 01:29:36,038
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1575
01:29:37,372 --> 01:29:42,469
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1576
01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:48,759
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1577
01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:55,899
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la...